Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Tree Sap. Crosswalk. Emergency. Pee Bottle.

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

How frustrating would it be to call 911 and have to navigate robotic menu options in order to get the help you need? haha let's talk about that, throwing your own son under the bus to save face, barking like a dog at other people's kids, pushing old people over, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/redaRG70_SESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Treesap, crosswalk, emergency, pee bottle. I'm blue I mean I don't die And I believe I will die I believe I will die There's so many songs That have come out now That use old beats Have you noticed that? Oh yeah And then

That's always happened I know But like Now I guess maybe I'm getting older So it's my songs They're reusing Yeah

That's the problem God damn kids And kids are like I love this song I'm like Would you probably Love the original too? Like what do you mean?

Yeah but then The one that you loved Was a rub off From one that our parents Listened to Okay Fine It was blue goddamn kids and kids are like I love this song I'm like but you probably love the original too like what do you mean check this out yeah but then the one that you loved was a rub off from one that our parents listened to okay

fine it was blue it blew no you were just wearing a lot of blue oh yeah so just why that was in my head

and I'm wearing my blue eyes today there you are you put your blue eyes in I sure did episode 20 you're my blue eyed co-host

hey wink in this song Van Morrison yeah sounds right Episode 20. You're my blue-eyed co-host. Wink. In this song? Van Morrison? Yeah, sounds right. Is that Jim Morrison's brother? This song's good. Yeah.

Blue-eyed kind of jam. That's like a Snoop D-O-double-G. Oh, biatch. E-what? What? That's what that song in the original Chronic. You go, biatch. Biatch. And then it goes, eee, what do I say?

I don't know what they say after that. My friend had that CD. I know. I had it on cassette. I think my brother had it on cassette. And he also had Ice-T Home Invasion. Do you remember that one? Yeah.

And the cover art was very not appropriate. I couldn't have those things. So I remember I would go down to my friend Casey's house and he had it. Right. And it had the weed leaf on it and everything. Yeah. I went down to my friend Casey's house and he had it. Right. And it had the weed leaf on it and everything. Yeah, I went down to my friend Casey's house and he had terrible parents. Yeah, they didn't give a shit. Thanks to everybody again.

Oh, speaking of, sorry. Oh, go ahead. I just had a thought. When everyone's like, I was like, oh, the Chronic, and they're like, oh yeah, I love that album. And they're talking about the Chronic 2001 when I'm talking about the original Chronic. Yeah, that's a mistake for the ages. That just shows how old you're getting. Yeah, that's sad.

30 some years old, I see. It's unbelievable. Thanks again to everyone who signs up, being a part of the gaggle. Been growing lately. I know. I berated Brenton to joining and he joined. So thanks, Brent. That was the end of last week's episode where just a little tiff between

you two and he ended up signing up so a tiff like it was a two-way street right he was talking shit though he came in he came in hot but if you can be a

part of the gaggle that would help us head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast we're almost to two hundo

find a link I know find a link in the episode description because at 2000 you're immortal I remember that being one of our goals.

Yeah, that's huge. That's still a ways away, though. Which is on par with us talking about how old you are with your Snoop Dogg references. Yeah. You can live forever. We were hanging out. I didn't realize how long it's been since I've done this. We were hanging out this past week writing some scripts.

Yeah. And we were sitting at a pizza joint over in Spokane, Washington. Spokane. Ooh. That's the best. Yeah. And we were sitting at a pizza joint over in Spokane, Washington. Spokane. Ooh. That's the best. Yeah. I'm not sure if people know. If you live in a city, and I happen to be in the area of two that are mispronounced

all the time. You have, well, you have Moscow, Russia, but in Idaho, you have Moscow. It's not Moscow. It's just Moscow because, you know, America. And then Spokane is spelled like Spokane. And it's been a joy of my life of watching bands. You gotta go snort some cocaine. Some cocaine of bands that come to town and then just fuck it up.

Thank you, Spokane! And you're like, all right. And they're all boo! Right. Like, who cares? How could they know? You just happen to live here. Why are you so upset about it?

You should be happy they even came here. That's what you should have, because they could have gone to Seattle, which is a lot easier to spell. Well, every time they go to the Gorge, which is in, it's not even in Quincy, but it's like 10 miles from Quincy, and it says Quincy on the, like a tour, but then they're always like, all right, Seattle, which is two and a half hours away. Not even close. Yeah, we used to have, it doesn't matter, but we'd have a half hours away. Not even close.

Yeah, we used to have a big rock festival just outside of town. It was in Idaho. They'd always come and they're playing an outdoor festival and they'd say, thank you, Spokane. Everyone's like, oh. All the North Idaho's hate that because it's Washington. Just missed it.

I know people do not like Washingtonians. Yeah, a lot of people don't like Idahoans either. We're just a couple of hated states. Look at us go. It's because you hate everybody. But we were having a writing session, and we ended up sitting there. I didn't realize how long it was. It was like five hours.

Yeah. And we were laughing. We were writing some good content. And then the waitress, who was nice the whole time, walked up and hey uh you guys are lucky not charging your camping fee and we're like oh buzzkill yeah like wow well she was even nice when she said it she's like at least i didn't charge you for the camping fee we're like oh shit um do you want to go no no i was just kidding just kidding it's like no you weren't you already opened you can't say. You ripped the top off that jar, and now we're packing up our shit, and fuck this place. Yeah, it was like, how do you come back from...

Oh, I was just kidding. Well, no, you're not. If you thought of that, you're not kidding. And we looked around. You were trying to be nice about it. We even made sure after that was said, we're like, oh, shit, is it packed in here? Because we were kind of... There was nobody in there when we got there, and then when we left, it was packed, and

I hadn't looked up from the table to notice there was nobody in there and there was i mean there was open tables but this we left there and we had to get you uh whatever fruity drink you needed at starbucks and i remember what you ordered but i oh that was a trip a caramel macchiato oh yeah and i was thinking about this when i was driving home was how insanely sensitive that microphone was do you remember that yes the window is almost all the way up in the car and you're sitting next to me we're not even talking to the person i'm not even right next to the speaker at this point and you just in a voice loud enough for one person next to you to hear you're like i'm gonna see the like i was like you tell her and then over the speakers goes so you're gonna get a caramel macchiato you want that hotter like what Yeah. Like, it was scary how sensitive it was.

Well, she said, I didn't hear her say this. She said, give me a minute or whatever. So then I was going to order something. You're like, hey, hang on. She said, just a minute. I was like, okay,

I'm going to get like a caramel macchiato. Like telling you. And then she's like, oh yeah, you'll get, oh, so you don't need a minute. You want a hotter ice? Yeah. Yeah.

But I guess it was like she bugged our car. It tripped me out a little bit. It was a little creepy. I have no idea those microphones were that sensitive. I'm going to rethink everything I say when I go through a drive-thru from this point forward. I'll tell you that. Just don't say anything inappropriate. Oh, well, it's me, so that's not possible.

You're so mature. I know. All right, you ready to get into the show? I guess. All right, let's do it. Hey, shut up. It get into the show? I guess. All right, let's do it. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Real quick, before we get into this thing, I just had another one of those English things

that I thought of this morning. When somebody said, they said give, and I was like, give, and then I thought of dive. Because my son's learning how to read, and they say the bossy E is what they call it when there's a bossy E, then it makes the I a- Sassy little E. It makes it an i sound so that makes sense right especially when you say give and you spell give when there's an e in there but you don't say guy you don't say guy absolutely don't so thanks to all the people that are sending in stuff examples tons of examples it's just validating it really is anyway uh so our question for today is coming in.

It's a combo between our mentally disturbed children, Samantha and Steve. And it says, would you rather slap a baby in the face once a year or push over an elderly person once a month? These are a couple of psychopaths. I know. Well, to be fair, they're each a little crazy. I think Sam came in with a slap of baby in the face. And then I replaced the back end of the one she sent in with Steve's, which was push over an old person once a month. Okay.

So they're both diluted. What? Diluted. Disturbed in their own way. I just had a weird thought right now just based on her name is Samantha. She could go by Sam. And then Samuel is a name for a Samantha. She could go by Sam. And then Samuel is a name for a boy and they go by Sam. Isn't that kind of weird?

Like they have the same nickname. I suppose so. But they're different names. I guess a majority would be like a Sammy, wouldn't it? For a girl? Like a, no? No. I worked with a Sam.

She was a girl. I've worked with a couple of Sams that are girls as well. Anyway, that's just weird. How hard is the slap? I want to figure that out. We have to determine that is a big factor in which direction of abuse I'm going. It's like one of those contests where the slapping contest. That changes everything.

You are slapping the baby. You're not slapping the baby. You're fucking like whacking the baby. You're hurting the child. So, okay, let's go in between that. Let's just go with a nice... You're looking to cause some pain, but you're not looking to kill the baby.

It's going to be a nice, hefty face slap. You want it to cry. You want it to cry. Yes, you do. It's the only way you're completing this mission. If it's not crying, you've got to hit it again. And it's... For whatever reason, when it brings up once a year year i always want to put it into some weird on its

birthday yeah like some weird event it's like happy birthday to you oh it's a it's a um like a small talk kind of thing around town like oh yeah the weather's been great are you going to slapping of the baby the slapping yeah are you going to slapping of the baby the slapping yeah slapping 2023 uh yeah i missed last year i heard it was a great one oh yeah you fucking rocked it everyone brings their babies to you yeah it's like a politician when you kiss it you just slap the shit out of it that means the best there's a booth it's a booth you're standing in the booth i love your work oh thank you just slap it and move on instead of like kissing your baby or signing an autograph, you just slap the shit out of their baby. Walking down like a politician.

You shake hands, shake hands, slap a baby, shake their hand. The handprint is what you need to see. Would you rather try to turn it into a whole event, which is going to get you some hate, or would you try to sneak in your slap? Like when the parents aren't looking, like they're at dinner, and you're like, fuck, I got to get the slap in. And you're like, okay, I'm going to the bathroom. You walk in by and you do a drive-by slap.

He's like, do-do-do-whack, and then run out of there. I think if you put on some sort of a cloth and make it a ceremony, then it's like a religious ceremony. Because they basically half drown their babies. Yeah. And then pull them out and then everyone's cheering and clapping. You just dunk that kid's head underwater. And if you look at history overall, slapping a baby. Yeah.

Oh, that's low. Yeah. On the shit they used to do to people. Exactly. So I think if you make it a ceremony and say this is a part of the growing up thing, then it's fine. That's your sales pitch? Like, come on. We got robes.

We got robes, and at least we're not killing them. Yeah, there's a booth. And then pushing over an old person once a month that's mean once a month is very frequent that's a lot you're gonna do more damage to the old person once a month than you will slapping a baby once a year what's let's say you're into it you really like pushing over old people where where's your ideal place to push one down the stairs i mean if you're if you're gonna yeah if you want to do some damage mine i was going more of the comedy i think across that's

not funny it can be depends on what they say slowly falling down the stairs oh oh oh just takes forever you're like uh crosswalk yeah that's the second place that i was thinking like right in front of other cars because they have their walker and you just what if you do with your car you just shove them over with your bumper that's i never thought of that push them over different you have a whole like uh device that when anybody goes it's like an acme in a right roadrunner yep cartoon you just wait for the right time once a month to push over an old person. You know that big hand they had in Jackass? Yep, and it swings and knocks him over.

Yep. Those are still, that's one of the funniest. An old person in a crosswalk? Oh, with one of those giant hands that they had in Jackass. If you don't know what we're talking about, just look up giant hand slap Jackass. Yeah. And what they did was they mounted this giant spring-loaded hand on the back end of a doorway. And then they called people to come through the doorway and then let it go.

And they're carrying food. It was in the morning. So they're like showing up to work carrying stuff. And they're just trotting in naked. Pam fucking blasted. Pam gets laid the fuck out. Yeah, he goes straight back. And they put like powder on it so it has an extra explosion.

And some other guys got hit really hard, but Bam's is the funniest. It's the best. It's mid-step. Because he goes straight back on his back.

So that would be fun to hide one of those in a nursing home. They're getting up. Yeah, they're all sitting around bingo. Bingo! Bingo!

Come over here to collect your prize. And you just push them. Or even if you didn't do the hand, just they get up i can't imagine they get up to collect their prize they probably bring it over to him give him a dollar whatever it was and then you just push them out of their chair maybe yeah push them on over and get them on the ground maybe they're already down there if you want to be nice they're doing old people yoga or something you walk in you're like boop or they're getting they're getting up because they already fell and you push them over again

oh quit pushing yourself quit pushing yourself this is the way you're falling down there why are you hitting yourself and you yeah i mean babies can take a lot more they're resilient they're gonna be okay it's gonna suck to slap a baby i've i think it's gonna be a hit and run the way you gotta do it in the jaw You can't do it in the head Cause it's still The skull's still forming Yeah the soft spot

Yeah you just avoid the soft spot And go for the jaw Which it is hard not to push that thing in Isn't it? Play with that soft spot on the baby No? You don't want You're like

God damn It's made for pushing Yeah I don't know There is a little indentation You kinda just wanna see how far it'll go It's a little test. Yeah. I don't know. There is a little indentation. You kind of just want to see how far it'll go. It's a little test. The eyes start twitching when you push.

That was it. That was it. Found it. Two inches in. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a baby's brain? Baby's brain. One, two, three. Three.

Finger goes through the skin. Three. Where are you going to go on this one? Where are you leaning? I feel like we're both going towards baby. I'm going to go for the baby just because once a month is a lot to shove an old person. There's some old people that deserve it. There's not usually a baby that deserves it.

That's something to consider too. I remember when I was little and I heard a baby crying, it used to infuriate me. Like I wanted to hurt the baby baby i think that's the point it's like genetically the worst sound you ever want to hear so it gets your attention yeah i didn't i just so we know i never i never hurt babies as a kid i just wanted to just wait until even back then i knew that i shouldn't hit the baby yeah yeah that was what does that say about me um level-headed this is something that's kind of a fucked up thought um and again i never have done it but until you're a parent and you have a little baby and you're on like seven your seventh day of no fucking sleep

and that is when it kind of hits you and you go oh i see why people shake babies yeah you're right there and you're like you're not going to do it but you wouldn't you can't even comprehend how someone could ever do that and then you have one and you have two hours of sleep in a week and you're like oh that's how people shake a baby i get it yeah i think we talked about this before but that whole thing i used to explain to people like there's there's got to be something in your brain that says don't shake the baby and if that thing doesn't exist you're going to shake the baby so i get why people want to do the baby and if that thing doesn't exist you're gonna shake the baby so i get why people want to do it they just lack that thing that says don't shake the baby the voice little checkpoint it's like don't do it if that checkpoint's taking the day off

that baby's gonna get shaken yeah if it steps out for a cup of coffee right you're shaking the baby man coast is clear i'm gonna get a little nap in yep yeah um how old is the old person this doesn't matter i go 80 plus pushing over you try to find a little nap in yep you know um how old is the old person i guess doesn't matter i go 80 plus pushing over you try to find a nice healthy ones you're not gonna hurt it yeah i mean when i think of the elderly person i think of like someone who's kind of struggling to get around you know so they'd be really easy to push over okay easy target they'd be a pushover literally um yeah i'm gonna slap a baby and i don't know that felt like the right sound i think we'll both slap a baby you And I don't know. That felt like the right sound. I think we'll both slap a baby.

You take one side. I'll take the other side. Same time. I mean, we smash their face together. It's kind of cute. They can take a picture. Shoot it in slow motion. Their cheeks are like.

There's no reason you can't make money off of this. Slow-mo baby slapping. And then we sell the picture. And then they put it up on their wall. See, that's the thing. If we get robes, if we get the robes and we have a camera, now it's an event. It's not weird. If we're just going around slapping babies, that's weird.

But if it's a thing, then it's like, this is an event. And it's raising money for like an anti-baby slapping charity. Yeah, and we've got a banner. As long as you have a banner. It says, slap a baby. Mm-hmm. You can charge. Slapathon.

Slapathon. The Can You Don't charge. Slap-a-thon. Slap-a-thon. The can you don't annual baby slap-a-thon. 2023 slap-a-thon, it will be when? Oh, man. I think about a one-year celebration next summer. Next June? Yeah. Or ish.

I think it'll be June-ish, considering we took those four weeks off or whatever it was. Yeah. Okay, let's slap a baby. I can't wait. All right, let's move on and get into what are you thinking about and i'm gonna do a thing about how i want to slap a baby i know now how does it feel like now i want to know a little bouncy it's worth a shit for science let's start with a pushing an old person down and see how that feels first yeah okay try it out feel it out and slap a baby yep and compare the two okay hey hey what's up babe

what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about this one is pretty embarrassing i mean i knew better i don't really have a reason why i did this don't worry i've done worse this... I feel like this is building up into something. It's not as bad as I made it sound. But for me, it was really, really stupid. So, at my apartment complex, I'm talking about

cars again and where you park. This is recent? Ish. Okay. Yeah. So, if you park in front, you're parking under a bunch of trees. If you park in the back, in the parking structure where Fuckface was, that I talked about on the show a couple weeks ago. Maybe last week, I don't remember. Where I left the note on his car.

You can park in two different spots. That one is the protected one. It's got shelter. That's where you're supposed to park. However, you can get into my apartment with street access. So the quickest and easiest one. I'm not telling you. You park right in front.

But when you park in front, you're underneath some trees. So over the course of the summer, I got some sap drippings on my hood. Saplings? Saplings. And they suck to get off your car. On the window, I put it off for a bit. It was on the windshield. I thought it was a chip at first.

It was just relentlessly. It would never come off. I tried a bunch of different stuff to get it off, and it would not come off. That's weird. I have no problem getting sa at first. It was just relentlessly. It would never come off. I tried a bunch of different stuff to get it off and it would not come off. That's weird. I have no problem getting saplings off. I know. You just got to wait. You got to wait longer, I guess.

So what I did is I, it was an early morning thing. And we went and I dropped Pepper off at school. And then I went back home and I parked and I had like an hour or so between that and having to go get Ezra dropped off at his school because they are three blocks away from each other, but they have our different start times. So that's convenient for parents if you have kids in different schools. And so I drop Pepper off, go back home. And I'm like, okay, I got some time. I'm sick of looking at the fucking sap on my hood. So I go out there and I'm working on the window one first.

And I'm just using like my credit card and some water to kind of try to get it off. And I did get it off with some time. I know. It gets worse. They should sell a credit card that's meant for scraping. So you're not using one of your own. I think they make one. Really?

Because you can put it in your wallet? Like a snow, like a window scraper. Please tell me I just invented that. I don't think so. I don't think I've seen it. It's got like a sharp edge that you can put in just no please tell me i just invented that i don't think so like i've seen it's got like a sharp edge that you could put in your wallet i think so oh fuck i think so um probably saw it in sky mall or something it sounds like a sky mall gift no this is i just thought of it all right i mean maybe maybe we both just thought of it and i think it's available let's do it i'm gonna step out and do some research. Do some research.

So here's where things went wrong. I decided for the ones on my hood, and I don't know why I did this. I was like, oh, I'll just get a sponge to get the sap off my hood of my black car. So I go in. The hood. Okay. Go in, get a sponge, come out. Don't worry.

It wasn't the rough side of the sponge. It was like the other side of the sponge. Now, what I wasn't thinking about was the fact that as you continue to get the sap off of the sap blob, those little pieces, it's not like sap is pure and has no anything in it. So I'm scrubbing it and it was too late because I did like three of them. And then once it dried, I realized I could scratch the shit out of like five different spots on my hood black too so it's just shining through just shot and i'm like you fuck i was like you fucking idiot so i look it up i'm like oh no did i just pull a huge dummy and i looked i do sponge and it's like don't

ever use sponge to get sad reasons not to use it was like hey i guess use the sponge that one's like you fucking idiot like on whatever cure or quaro whatever the that one page is reddit they're like no never use a sponge you stupid bitch you big dumb bitch i'm like oh no i just fell into this trap and i'm looking at it i'm trying to wash it off oh fuck so you're trying to wash off the scratches that you just made. I didn't know how deep they were. I was hoping I could just, it was like maybe little traces of sap. You know, I'm hoping for the best.

That logic does not add up. Yeah. So here's where that was dumb. Wait, it gets worse? Yeah, a little bit. So I was so embarrassed. I called the auto body shop. And in talking about what happened, I just blamed it on Ezra.

Yep. Yep. I was like, oh, no, my son. My son was trying to help me and didn't tell me. And he was a sponge. Like a moron. And they're like, oh, no. Like, you would never use a sponge.

That's what I said. They're like, oh, man, you'd be surprised how many calls we get it's usually kids or old people and i'm like yeah fuck those people neither one of those things they're so dumb both those things kids and old people push them down yeah and i was like yeah well you bring it in you will take a look not sure what we're gonna depends on how deep the scratches are if you'll be able to do anything yeah i tried to wash it off but the scratches didn't come out yeah of course it didn't please bring your car in here uh and i called like three different places to get quotes and

every single one was like sponge oh never use a sponge i'm like i know man i wish i would have told my son that he was just trying to help out he was trying to be helpful he's trying to be helpful and he ruined my car and i had to play that story all the way through even in person he goes yeah no we've seen all the time but another guy's like that usually old people though i'm like yeah you're telling me i would never i'm never no that's stupid um so that reminded me of one of my favorite things i've read online i had to go back and look up um i'm not it in I mean I'm going to tell you what it is I remember it but there was a story that got turned into like a meme of sorts

where this guy who was like our age playing online Madden against like a mid 20's guy right and he was playing so bad he was just getting rocked he was getting his shit kicked and the guy was just talking shit endlessly like typing him messages.

Like, you're fucking terrible. So, he just pretended to be an 11-year-old kid when he was, like, 37. To make the guy feel bad? Yeah. So, he would stop talking shit. He just pretended to be a little kid. And the guy's like, oh, no, I'm so sorry. This is my first time playing.

He's like, oh, no, my mom let me play. And so, he just pretended to be a kid to get the guy to shut the fuck up so funny oh i could totally see myself doing that it's like oh you're so just embarrassed by your your performance you pretend to be a child what was the uh what was the story about the guy that didn't have something with his car like he was pretending like oh that was an old uh is be dumb story yeah what was that oh one of my favorite of all time uh which i'm revisited right now the um this guy who didn't know how to change his windshield wipers right and it was pouring rain out so he didn't know what to do so he went into uh auto zone or whatever and to make things just a little more embarrassing it was a woman that was working and he's like fuck because i have to admit like to a woman that i don't know how

to change my own windshield wipers so he defaulted to the option to pretend he had gimpy hands that's right he pretended the whole time that his hands didn't work all the way down to using the credit card machine like he wouldn't like couldn't get and so she went out in the pouring rain and switched his windshield wipers because he didn't know how to thank you so funny thank you so much oh my god so in the same vein in the same vein as that yep just pretending you have to pretend your sons you go so far like oh well now i can't walk you have to lean into it yeah you have to pretend there's something. You go so far. Like, oh, well, now I can't walk. And you have to lean into it. Yeah, you have to, like, drag your leg in.

Yeah. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to get the job done and not have your pride shattered. You know what would be funny is if that person forgot they did that and went in another time and she remembered him. Or at a different place and he's just, like, magic with his fingers. Comes in doing, like, solving a Rubik's Cube. Yeah, he's doing something really

complicated. Super fingery. Super fingery. Goes to a party and he's like, hey, spins around and he's putting one of those sailboats

in a bottle. Oh, shit. His hands work flawlessly. Tiny little tools. Oh, he takes the little bifocals off. Oh, I didn't see it there.

Me and my immaculate working hands i just put together another boat in a bottle hope you enjoy the party um so that was it so i had to pretend that i was uh my eight-year-old autistic son in order to get out of some embarrassment i know i've done something like that before I can't recall anything but I just love that you're so embarrassed of something that you did and you just you can't admit it

and you'll just do whatever it takes to make sure they know it's not you and you'll lean hard into it got to what are you going to do at that point you're like finding a way to show that you you have an autistic son like imagine going there yeah like where you have this is the one like you this is the dumb idiot you bring him into the auto shop and start talking about how he's autistic this

kid is like what what are you doing sir can't you see how autistic he is look how much this guy loves sponges huh look how autistic he is uh and guy loves sponges, huh? Look how autistic he is. And I forgot to mention, one of the places I called guessed what I used. I forgot about that. I was like, oh, I tried to get sap off my car and I scratched it. And they go, use a sponge? I was like, well, I didn't. But my stupid kid did.

I was trying to look out for my son, take the credit. Bless his heart, man. He's just trying to help out daddy. You know, he's got autism. Yeah, a lot of it. On account of the autism. On account of the autism and pretty high on the spectrum. Pretty high on the spectrum.

I mean, you can only imagine how many car hoods he scratches with sponges, you know? This isn't the first time. First time. Every car I have and all my friends' cars, if they park it outside of the house, he gets out there with a sponge. Basically, do not park a car in my driveway or my autistic son is gonna scratch the shit out of the sponge i don't know it's just what he does sort of say he's into i don't know i don't take away his dreams you know he likes that and sprinklers um okay you guys let's head off you guys i'm just talking to you like you're multiple people i am me and randy me and randy let's go um let's head over and take a look at some dick stuff.

All right. Okay. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. All right. I'm first up.

Whipping it out this week. All right. I want to take a peek at it. This cracked me up. Of course, put me into a spiral of different environments for this type of person. But this was sent in by our wonderful daughter, Nicole. And this is a story of a dispatcher that clearly has no idea what they're talking about. A Winnipeg woman questions dispatchers training after 911 suggested she wake the intruding sleeping in her home.

The intruder sleeping in her home. So she has this guy who broke into her home. I'm just going to read it. Angela Chalmers waited 20 minutes for police to arrive, barricaded herself in her room. Here we go. The Winnipeg woman says she's been left shaken after waking up to find a stranger in her home and then waited 20 minutes. She's now questioning that response time and also why a 911 dispatcher suggested she should confront the intruder herself. Angela woke up to the sound of her dog Loki growling and barking at the top of her stairs shortly before 7 a.m. back on June 18th.

I came down to see what she was barking at. I walked halfway down the stairs and there was a strange man lying right there on my couch. It was terrifying. Chalmers went back upstairs and quietly alerted her roommate the pair barricaded themselves in a room upstairs called 9-1-1 while hiding in the closet only to be told police couldn't come right away what they said that the police were really busy and we'll be mind going downstairs and waking them up ourselves chalmers did mind yeah she and her roommate stayed upstairs until police arrived 20 minutes later and the pair ran downstairs and out of the house in the earl gray neighborhood wherever that is it took four officers to get the man out of the home after

he woke up and became aggressive so good fucking thing yeah so police say the incident is being reviewed and the 911 dispatcher who spoke to Chalmers has been provided feedback on the handling of the call, some of which deviated from standard practice, said Kelly Den, director of public affairs. Den said response times can vary depending on the call, blah, blah, blah. But the fact that she called 911, the person was like, um, so, so, uh, I mean, how hard is he sleeping? Did you try waking him up? Is he like snoring? Is he snoring I mean, how hard is he sleeping? Did you try to wake him up? Is he like snoring? Is he snoring? Like, why is this a problem?

We just get you all. We could send. Yeah. We'll send some officers down there, but they're just going to wake him up. You could do the same thing, right? That's fucking crazy. Why should we use your tax dollars to wake this guy up when you could do it? Yeah.

You're already there. Does he seem nice? I don't, I'm not willing to risk if he's nice. The only way I would maybe ever, and I still wouldn when you could do it. Yeah. You're already there. Does he seem nice? I'm not willing to risk if he's nice. The only way I would maybe ever, and I still wouldn't want to do it, wake up an intruder if he's sleeping, if I had my gun. With a 12 gauge, like poking him. Which is never a good way to wake up anybody. Because you're probably going to end up shooting him.

Because it's just no one wants to wake up to a gun being pointed at them. Well, that's the thing. Anytime you wake up quickly, you're always in a daylight. Whoa, where am I? Whoa you're always in a daylight whoa is this a dream guy shooting me or real guy clearly he wasn't there to rob so i get that angle because he would have just robbed and done something terrible he was probably fucked up and just wandered into a house to go to bed maybe that's worse though well maybe you don't know who this guy is yeah but he if he was there to cause harm or rob you he

would have done it and not just passed out on the couch so i'm guessing he was hammer drunk or on some sort of drugs maybe he thought he was at his friend's house and that reminds me of some of the have you seen the videos of the happy instances in this like it's usually college where someone they wake up and someone's just in their living room sleeping they're like hey man wake up like oh shit like yeah you're in the wrong house oh man blah blah these are like talking about how much like what they did last night and it was like that's a happy way so maybe this 911 dispatcher saw that happy video and was like just wake him up and film it yeah get famous yeah world star but uh other pieces of bad advice you could give in emergency situations as a 911 dispatcher is

what it got me thinking about. Where you call like, like, okay, 911, what's your emergency? My entire house is engulfed in flames. My family's inside. I can't find our dog. He's like, okay. What I'm going to need you to do is go right back inside and sit down on the couch. Just go back in there. Yeah. Just go back in there and sit

in there and then wait until you die. And then we don't have to worry about it anymore. Oh, okay. Thank you. Bye. This is a really big inconvenience for me. how big have you tried putting the fire out i have yeah yeah the whole house is on fire just head back in there and lay down you lay down for a bit let's make sure to see if this just stay low see if this blows over stay low get away from the smoke like an open stab wound and the 911 dispatcher's like put a couple m80s in there like set a put a bottle rocket in there and set it off and then get back to me later see just explode yourself explode yourself make it bigger you don't want to lay there and bleed out

like get it over with quick blow yourself up yeah it's just great emergency what a way to go i know it's like the guy with the gas and uh but um like first day on the job 9-1-1 dispatcher is what it made me think of where he's training and he has a literal script that he has to go through deviate because that's what it kind of felt like where he's like okay no intruder like going through the paper sleeping there's a key have you tried waking it up uh what sorry one let me get a second here um have you tried one second hold on one second have you um man is is it hungry like ah fuck sorry i'm sorry first day on the job this is the the animal it's like an animal book right uh or like you call like somebody calls in he's like fuck he's like well have you tried cutting your leg off and the guy's like i'm calling

to report a drunk driver oh shit oh this is mountain this was mountain climbing sorry one second um yeah that's fine where are you at where are you at like this has this like this weird script they have to follow no matter what it is what do you mean if i tried to cut my leg off what are you talking about i'm reporting a robbery oh shit um sorry i missed that part when you okay you're really nervous yeah oh fuck pages are shaking no you try one second one second one second. Have you tried calling the cops? Yeah! Have you tried turning it off and on?

Have you turned it off and on? Oh, it's a computer. Shit, hold on. I don't know why that's so funny to me. You're grabbing the wrong stack

of notes. Okay. Because the person on the other end would just be like, are you fucking kidding me? I know, Just so angry.

Sir, sir, keep it down. There's someone downstairs. Please keep it down. You said someone's sleeping, right? Well, that's one way to wake them up. Okay. You just can't, you know, just can't get it right. But that, it's a bad place for that first time on the jobber. Yes.

Yeah. Anyone's first day on the job where you're just kind of getting used to the the landscape of things but then put that into a job where you immediately have to interact with serious situation like your first brain surgery your first anything right like uh yeah picture like you're in the emergency room and you're the doctor and you make oh shit you make a wrong cut and like blood start you know shit he reaches in the pocket and he's like oh fuck um shit shit is there blood is there blood coming i'm spraying i'm gonna need um scissors and uh fuck um glue does anyone have any glue god damn it he's like oh you fuck everything up you're always so stupid

he's talking to himself smacking his head so stupid your mom said you'd be a stupid fucking doctor god damn it oh shit just always looking for stuff oh that's um but yeah i don't know why that was so funny in a 911 dispatcher. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Have you, um, oof. Oh man. Better you than me. You know what I mean?

That's what I always say. That's what I always say. Um, have you turned the car off? My house is on fire. Fuck. Put it in reverse and then put it back in neutral and leave it in neutral. Does your car have on star no yeah i know that's it for here from here forward i would always suggest calling on

star before 9-1-1 that's what i would that's what i would do that's what it says here anyway um anything else i can help you with funny and please stay on the line after this phone call um for review uh if you'd so kind, a couple minutes to do a review of this phone call. What is that called? I don't know. A survey. A survey. How was your experience?

Other. Other. You have to write it in. Not great. Imagine writing, it's like, okay, superior, good, good, good. And then it says other. And then it says, please leave a comment about the thing. do you do that and then what are you writing there back in the 911 dispatch like you have to go in for your review they're like all right well johnson um surveys

aren't looking good uh here's one here's one it says someone called in reporting a drunk driver and you you said uh you asked if they would cut their own leg off and um so that's that's that's not good and then yeah no and then you you did suggest our competitor on star before which is not the best sales tactic mr johnson i'll do better i'm working on it could you imagine well you guys you gave me the script yeah i know we gave you the script but it's like uh it's a guideline that's a guideline could you imagine you call in you know when you call into like a bank or whatever it's, this call may be recorded for quality insurance.

You do that for 9-1-1. Once again, you're in a major emergency, and you call, and it's like, this call may be... You just want to talk to somebody. Press 1. Ni si entendo, no se puede. Nueve, nueve. Listen closely, as our menu options have changed.

Have changed. If you're on fire press one if you could if you might be on fire too or you might be on fire soon press two fuck three wake up a burglar is there a burglar sleeping on your couch press three beep if you know the extension let with two weeks now, dial it at any moment. If your house is on fire, press one. Like, Jesus Christ. Oh, fuck.

If it has to do with a fire, then they run through the things that could be on fire. Right. Is it your microwave? Press one. Is it TV? Is it in the attic?

Press six. It's like all the way down. Okay. Zero, zero, zero, zero. Operator,

operator, operator. Really quick, I have have a they'll be answered and the order was received yeah and then fucking we all know that one dude that just makes me think of like a company that has to come up with the music that guy's sitting in a room he's like that's the jam that's the best one oh my god who is it that you call i think you call apple they let you pick the genre of music at least.

Yeah, they do. Like you want rock or pop or country. Do you have any metal? Do you have... That is the best one. When you get that, that's just a banger. It's like, wait, am I watching Nightmare... Or was it Friday the 13th?

Now I want to look it up. How would I... How do exactly type that into Google? Hold. Hold music. How are you spelling it? I don't know. Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Will you get put on hold?

God, I'm sorry. Damn it. I think this one might be it. Let's find out. I don't know. It says best one. There's no way there's multiple best ones. This has to be the best one. It's consensus best one. It has to be. Let's find out. I don't know. It says best one. There's no way there's multiple best ones. This has to be the best one.

It's consensus best one. It has to be. It's loading. Is there going to be an ad? Yes! Yes! Oh my god. A 911 will be with you immediately.

Your call is very important to us. Your call is very important to us. Help me! Oh my god, it's so funny. Alright. Should we take a look at your wiener? Well, hold on. I think we might have to postpone mine because I have a story on the lines of this.

Oh, it does? Oh, it is? Sort of. Oh, okay. Okay, in college, we had a friend that lived a couple minutes away. So, I lived in a mobile home. Our friends lived in had so i lived in um a mobile home our friends lived in one and then across the street was some more friends so we had like this triangle of houses and the first year we were all living there and we used to party every weekend it was it was nuts and we had another friend he would just get shit-faced and We all have that friend. Yeah. And so the next year, we moved, I moved across the street to the other house.

Okay. And now, so now the people that live in our old house are three young girls, college girls. Okay. And I live across the street. So in the middle of the night, I get like a, I get a bang on the door like a knock knock knock on the door okay and i open the i open the the door and it's a police officer and i'm like uh what's going on because i was sleeping in another room with my gf at the time okay so he's like um so there was that we just got a recall a call that someone came over that came into this house that was harassing the neighbors across the

street so he was over there hammered out of his mind ended up in our neighborhood banging on all the windows on the door banging on my window where i used to sleep and you sleep and so they're calling the police saying someone's trying to get into our house they're banging on the door saying let me in all this kind of stuff and he goes is that so the cops like is he came in the house is he in here i'm like no he's like no idea like no there's no one there's no one in here it's just me and my gf and like there's no one in here and we're having this back and forth so then i he leaves i shut the door and then i'm like that's fucking weird so i walk into my room and he's just and he was one of those loud snores and i'm like oh my fucking god i just lied to this police

officer that's i'm hiding or harboring harboring or harboring a fugitive basically yeah so then i go back into her room and we're laying on there like that cop thinks i was just like so the whole time the cop's thinking this guy's full of shit and i was serious yeah because i didn't know he was in my in my fucking house it's like damn that cop was like god he's convincing yeah he's like i actually believe this yeah but now i'm wondering did i want did i watch him walk in there right yeah so i mean he thinks i'm lying to him and he's in this house the whole fucking time but just he was so fucking hammered he thought we still lived in that house across the street and then terrorized these women that's awesome i i wish you were on the back end of that you're like officer no one is in here

then you hear like chips in the background you turn around he's like what's up copper he comes around the kitchen you fucking's up, you fucking pig? He's just eating Doritos. Got him. Like, oh, shit. Oh, God. The look on your face would be so good. He's like, tell him I'm here. Fuck.

You're like, what the shit? He's like under your couch, behind some cushions. I'm right here, Brian. Well, anyway, I thought that was funny and that is very funny i've never got to tell that story and that made sense because it's a good spot to put it um okay i mean do we have time for my dick still let's give you let's give your dick a ride all right um do you want some background music see i don't remember what i did my oh yeah yeah give me some yeah all right 13 people come forward after texas janitor is accused of urinating in water bottles cool nice sweet move janitor yep a houston janitor accused of urinating into fellow employees water bottles could be

facing additional charges now that 13 other people have come forward to similar complaints. What? What is he doing? Is it like a fetish or something? Lucio Catarino Diaz, 50, was arrested last week and charged with indecent assault and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Okay, easy. After a female... Listen, I haven't seen her pussy, but, I mean, that seems like an overstep.

Look, deadly weapon. It's a vagina. Well, same. Same as a gun. Might as well be a gun. It's his penis. Oh, it said Lucille. No, Lucio.

Lucio or Lucio. Oh, okay. I thought you said Lucille. That's even more. Yeah. I was going to say, because that seems like a dude thing. I was very surprised. Could you imagine a female trying to, she's like.

Putting a bottle over a broken fire hydrant. Just dribbling all over the place. Like. Yeah. Anyway, so I thought it was a girl. I think girls can get a pretty straight stream. They don't have to do it. They just got to get some other stuff out of the way.

Oh my God. Back to you. All right. Deadly weapon after a female co-worker accused him of the incident, which she said took place at a medical office building. That's a good spot for it. This individual is a sick man. The unidentified woman told Houston ABC affiliate KTRK-TV.

The woman told the station that she first noticed a foul odor in the employee's water dispenser in August and decided to drink only from water bottles that she brought from home. Free of piss. Yeah, piss free. According to the news, the woman found out the bottle had been tampered with after she left it half filled on her desk when she took a sip the next day. She said it had a funky taste and smelled similar to what she noticed the employee water dispenser.

Oh my goodness. She said, I thought this thing was half-naked. I didn't realize it had a funky taste and smell similar to what she noticed the employee water dispenser oh my goodness i thought this thing was half nitty i didn't realize i had a full bottle yeah yeah that's piss that's definitely piss that's all right man that's that's watered down piss right there that's just what if you had to mark i picture a world where you like things have just gone so bad in the food and beverage industry where you have to have things marked as piss free like for whatever it was it was a pandemic right of people pissing and stuff and it's like cool Things have just gone so bad in the food and beverage industry where you have to have things marked as piss-free. It was a pandemic of people pissing and stuff. And it's like, Coors Light, now piss-free.

Well, they always have to tell you, don't stick your penis in the egg beater. It's like, do not place penis in the egg beater. Why not though? That's what I want to know. But somebody did that, so they have to put it on a box now. You don't know what I'm into. Maybe I'm into that. I can stick my dick in whatever egg beater I want. Stick my dick in mashed potatoes.

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. So she threw her personal... Uh-huh. I'm going to keep going. I'm thinking about how... Why would you do this? I'm guessing they were not nice to this janitor.

That's the only thing I can think of is revenge. Maybe. Maybe I'll be able to explain it. Keep on going, baby. So she threw her personal bottle away, purchased another bottle, and set up a hidden camera in her office. The footage she captured shows Diaz uncapping the water bottle, unzipping his pants, and putting his genitals in the bottle on two separate occasions. I've always been curious about this. Do they call a man's penis his genitals?

Genitals are just for everybody. But wouldn't it just be a genital? Maybe for every everybody's a general but wouldn't this be a genital because he didn't stick his balls in there too he just i think it's like is it your dick and balls become is the genitals what or why is genitals plural god i love the internet especially when they're talking about just his penis genitals genitalia refers to all organs of a reproduction system so but he's still talking about genitals genitals i don't think it's ever just genital is it that's what i mean that's why i'm confused because he didn't stick his balls in there why is it stuck his penis there's never genital is always plural is what cora has i just

wonder why that's another minimalist language thing. I'm trying to think about a water bottle, how wide that top is. Can you stick your wiener in there? Like, you've got to have a... Is that a skinny dick? It must be like a Yeti cup, whatever. Like, you unscrew the whole top and you have a gaping hole to shove that thing in. Nice and easy. Oh, yeah.

So, you threw her personal bottle away. Okay. Yeah. So, get the top off there. not just like the little squirt part hey i'm getting another ad for toenail clippers for seniors again that's two weeks in a row two weeks in a row um when's the last time you trimmed your do you talk about showing your toenails a lot and then it gets that information that looks up how old you are and it's like this this is exactly what he needs. This old dude. Pulls out his penis and cuts his penis,

or, pulls out his penis and puts his penis in my bottle. Basically, he rinses his penis in the water, she told the news station,

described in the video. So he's dangling his whole, Yeah, and he's just sloshing the water around. Oh, what's a one way of a bird

bath? The woman reported the actions to the police who then questioned Diaz. Investigators said Diaz admitted to

urinating the urination during questioning and he claimed that he had a sickness and the only I got a sickness

and the only cure is more put my dick in the water bottle. More piss in my co-workers water bottles. Police said Diaz did my dick in the water more pissing my co-workers water bottles police said diaz did not know how many times he urinated in co-workers water supply oh man i can't too many to count i lost count at 27 28 somewhere around there with further testing

the woman learned she had herpes which diaz also tested positive for wow she claims she got the virus from diaz according to the whatever doctors speculated the victim could have contracted disease from him though it is very rare i like it possible though they're talking to diaz like yeah yeah yeah of course i pissed at him i did not stick my dick in balls in there and wash them right that'd be ridiculous fucking kidding me no i'm not a i'm not an animal monster did i piss in 400 water but yeah yes did i stick my dick in them and shake it around and wash them off no fuck god crazy i love when people are crazy i got a sink in my office why the fuck would i do

that i always find it so funny when people ask themselves questions that they get to answer yeah did i piss in the water? Yes, of course it is. Did I wash my genitals in there? No. No. Come on. What are you doing here? Come on.

What kind of line of questioning is this? Look at me. Look at me. Do I look like a fella? Do I look like a guy that would wash my genitals in someone's water bottle? Without them knowing? Just like weird. If I'm going to do that, I'm going to do it in front of them like a man or like the color he's like he's like okay you think i'd wash my

dick and balls in a blue water bottle come on what the who you think i am who do you think you think you're talking to you're talking to uh the same guy that just pissed in 400 water bottles i already said i did it man guilty as charged oh oh you got me oh no who got the big water bottle piss guy oh good for you you cracked the case we can all go home well you can't sir oh shit you got damn it he's like hoping to get out you're you're being taken into custody and uh before being released you're on $75,000 bond yeah he said in the jail just clean ass dick and balls though right well he's now in the he was in the custody of ice so okay that's something the ice is balls his genitalia but he could be facing additional charges not 13 other people have come forward with similar stories in the last 24 hours a houston police department spokesman

told huff post man i don't i mean all right it goes on but that's wrong i feel like that's good enough don't be wrong with this man um yeah wow so it never says that he was like mad at people i think he was just he just enjoyed doing it. From what I get. The classification of a penis being a deadly weapon. That's something that I didn't know could happen. Well, I guess if you piss and they drink and get sick and they die from it. I guess it's a deadly weapon.

Guns don't kill people. Penises and water bottles. Yeah, penises and. Water bottles kill people. Water bottles filled with urinate Urinate There you go Urinate

What flavor? Lemon Yeah Exactly That's what he should have done He should have just Pissed in there And marketed lemonade

He should have He's a better marketer He could have Gotten away with this Yeah Once again It's like with the cloaks And the robes

As long as you bottle it up And put a wrapper on it Now it's a business Either you like it Or you don't yeah right it's not for everyone it's not for everyone for sure it's hell not especially because every time you drink you get herpes bummer not my problem and you know what that means it's like uh drinking this or whatever could cause whatever it's like drinking this could cause herpes herpes ish could your risk drinking your own risk drinking your own risk all right let's take a look at some some petty beef are you ready for that yeah okay silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all

sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings This is Petty Beef. She writes, hey guys, I got some petty beef Three men in a Kayla I've seen that adult film Hey guys I'm fucking you Hey guys, I got some petty beef Between me and my dad My real dad, not you guys No, you fuck asses So after having a random child

Approach me in a restaurant After having a random child Who's in a restaurant. Oh, I thought she had. After having a random child. Who's this? When did I get pregnant? Approach me in a restaurant. I posted on Facebook that I wish I could be like a dog and bark or growl at random kids who approach me. My dad decided to comment on that post saying that he's, that that is effed up and I should have some compassion. I argue that kids should not go up to strangers. And that's how children end up getting kidnapped.

I think that if children approach every adult and every adult is welcoming and nice, and the kids are never going to know what adult has bad intentions, if they think they can approach everyone. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm in the right here, but I just wanted to hear you guys talk about this and want to hear your thoughts on it. I kind of just think my dad gets disappointed because everyone else in our family loves kids. So having him hear that his own daughter doesn't like kids makes him upset. However, I wish he could grow to terms with it since this isn't his first time I've told him that I'm not a kid person.

Love your daughter, Kayla. I mean, they say, yeah, there's some. She's not wrong. She's not wrong, but she's an asshole. Yeah. There is that. If I'm in a restaurant, and again, until you have kids, I'm sure we've mentioned this, maybe not on this show, but I have definitely in the past, where you don't fully understand. You get on an airplane and there's a kid crying.

Yeah. When you don't have kids, you're like fucking dumb parents. They should have left the baby behind. Yeah. Why did you bring a kid on an airplane, you dumb bitch? And then you have kids and you're like, oh man, that sucks. They're probably going to visit family. Probably the kid. Why did you bring a kid on an airplane, you dumb bitch? And then you have kids and you're like, oh man,

that sucks. They're probably going to visit family. Probably visit family or you can't make the kids stop crying. Like, that kids suck.

Like, that's just what they do. But I will say that if I'm in a restaurant and I have a young ass kid, a two year old, that escapes my grasp, what's going on over there?

Watch it dinging. I don't know, shut it off. And a two year old approaches kid, and it's mine. Walk over to another table, and the adult, fully grown woman. Like a cat. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with you, lady?

You're lucky. Next time, I'll kidnap him. What are you, a fucking lun lunatic would have got away with it your kid is too nice i get someone's gonna take him i get her reasoning it's like i'm saying i'm a normal person right yeah what if she what if they what if they came into a psychopath just like jesus she might they might show up with some up with some real problems. You never know who they're talking to. If she just starts licking her butt or vagina right now, she's just like. And then starts licking her twat at the table.

A little kid comes up to show them a picture. She jumps off the chair and bites her ankle. Starts biting the kid's shoes. If you're going to go for it, you've got to lean all the way into the dog thing. You've got to be eating dog food. Yeah, that's all you have at the restaurant. You have a little treat. You have a dog bowl with your name on it.

It's like it says Kayla on it in the little paws. Little paw writing. Just waiting for a kid to walk up to you. Can I pet your dog? As a kid, like a family, they're not coming to talk to you. They're just walking by your table. Because that's how dogs are. You just walk by the window.

Just all you fucking whole family. You're walking to take your kid to the bathroom. You get too close to the table. Whoa. I'd sit down and be like, did that fucking lady just growl at our kids? You look back over, just mean mugging you. I will say that it would be pretty fun to do that. Like, just to see how people would react.

And she's not wrong of like, she is and isn't wrong like okay you you go ahead and do your thing i was just i was just gonna say that i get the idea that if kids think that they can approach anyone that they could be taken but there's got to be some middle ground oh god damn okay two things first thing uh in a restaurant or whatever not a whole lot of kids getting kidnapped in restaurants. Okay, that's first thing. So if you're picking your growl spots. Right. Pick a different.

Sure. Fucking still weird. But now I'm picturing Kayla and I don't know, she has to have an accomplice. They drive around in an unmarked white van and they pull up next to kids. And it opens and they just go. She started barking at these kids. Instead of grabbing them and pulling them in the van you're lucky this could have been a kidnapper this could have been a crazy person

i could have been a lunatic i could have been nuts real nutcase you got away with it today go home what the fuck so the next time they see a white van approach them they know it's gonna yeah they know it's gonna be a whole adult adult ass person barking at him if she does it like that i think she's doing everyone a favor yeah it's the scared straight it's a situation thing yeah like you at a restaurant? No. Borderline superhero, Kayla. Yeah. If you go around an unmarked white van and pull over and yap at people, just fucking.

I could have got you right now, couldn't I? Go home. He's just fucking. I don't know why, but now I can picture DMX in an unmarked white van what come on you know what she should do is put a chain

like wear a chain and jump out of the van and have to get yanked back you know like come at him like she's gonna take him and then get yanked back this has nothing to do

with what we're talking about one of my favorite rappers like to laugh at. He still made some good music. Do you remember Mystical? Yeah. And the way that he rapped?

I don't remember his style, but I remember him. So sweet. It's just, he goes, He's just like, what? And that's his whole thing.

I don't remember that. It's like super quiet. Like, I don't remember that. He's like, what? Yeah, he's like,

whoa. Sounds like an auctioneer. I don't remember that. It's like super quiet. Like, I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. Like, what? Yeah, you're like, whoa. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. What? What? Sounds like an auctioneer. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you.

I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. So, Kayla, your daddies are, I mean, I'm half on your dad's side. Don't bark at kids in restaurants. You got to pick your locations better.

You're not doing shit for being a weirdo. I'm all on board with what she's doing if she does it in a white van like we were talking about. In a restaurant, you're not saving anyone's life. No. Maybe even at a park. Now picture in a restaurant where this is just normal behavior for adults. This kid's just like, what is happening? Every table.

Spinning and crying and every dog's like... Every table. What the fuck is getting on these people? What's going on here? Okay, let's move on. Okay. happening every table spinning and crying and every dog's like every table what the fuck is getting on these people what's going on here um okay let's move on okay that's settled so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we are doomed yeah so groovy dude our good news for this week and i just love exoskeletons in general have you looked into this so no the headline here says a joy for him a boy with cerebral palsy can now walk and play using his exoskeleton. He's not like doing a dance number by any means, but it's just helping him not sit in a wheelchair and be able to do nothing. But eight-year-old David, who suffers from cerebral palsy, has difficulty moving his

body and has relied on a wheelchair for years. Their neurological condition also caused him to become deaf. He communicates with his parents in sign language. Now, he enjoys playing with a ball and drawing as much as other kids his age, as much as the next guy. As much as the next guy. Maybe the next guy fucking hates it! Maybe he hates balls!

Thanks to a new robotic exoskeleton. At first, it scared him, and his hands were very tense. David's mother. God, he looks like a transformer or something. You can get where this article is going. And a lot of it does talk about therapists being able to use this to achieve many things in the future. I mean, yeah.

It's not just this realm. It is everything. I would not be surprised. I have no idea how far it's going to be. But there's a world in a lot of instances where wheelchairs are just gone. Like something happened, whether you were born with it or developed a disease or an accident. Now you have all these buildings with ramps. Yeah. You could blow those out.

We got fucking exoskeletons. Change the code. But it just gives them so much more mobility. And this in, I've seen it in like the army sense or like in a warehouse. Have you seen these videos? Yeah. Where like a warehouse worker has an exoskeleton. Oh, no.

It didn't just pick up like a fucking forklift. Oh, is that super strength? Yeah, because you just walk over like you normally would. Right. And then when you go down. Hydraulics. Push a button that says like, yeah, let's do it. And you just move like you normally would and he just picks up a forklift like he's.

Can you imagine just moving a truck? Yeah. Just picking up a truck like, oh like oh man i don't know where the keys are i don't want to wish i wish i would have had an exoskeleton when that guy parked like a jackass yeah like i'll be right back motherfucker you just you lift it up and like put it out underneath the sap tree i'll just throw it now he's out there waxing this or scraping his paint he comes out he goes god how do i get this sap off? I'm like, I know how. Yep.

You give him a sponge. Then you walk away and look at the camera and wink. Wink, wink. But I love the exoskeleton world is just so cool. It really does have the, I know. What is happening upstairs? Our roommates are being noisy. But I guess the amount of things you can achieve and change in this world with these exoskeletons, I mean, it's so cool.

I would like to watch. We've joked about having two different leagues of football, right? With steroid league and then boring league. But MMA with exoskeletons? Yeah. Dude, what's that movie where there are robots fighting? There's that video. Remember the Rock'em Sock'em Robots?

Yeah, but wasn't Wolverine in a movie? Didn't they make a real movie Remember the Rock'em Sock'em Robots? Yeah, but it wasn't Wolverine in a movie. Didn't they make a real movie out of Rock'em Sock'em Robots? It was the Wolverine guy. Was it? He was going like this, and the robot mimicked his moves, and they were fighting. Oh, I never watched. But he wasn't in it.

So he's basically like an Iron Man suit. You climb into Iron Man, then you're fighting. Like a Mech Warrior. Remember that game? Oh, yeah, Mech Warrior, yeah. So that's what it is. You climb into a suit, and you're fighting. Like a mech warrior. Remember that game? Oh yeah, mech warrior, yeah. So that's what it is. You're climbing in a suit and you're a super human. I'm pumped to see

where these things go. And of course we're human so we'll find a way to fuck it all up and make it violent. Now we're going to be envious of people in wheelchairs because they're not going to be in a wheelchair, they're going to have an exoskeleton. Everyone's going to be just jumping off of buildings to go get an exoskeleton. Like hoping to break your back. To be paralyzed. Just so they can get a sick deal on an exoskeleton like hoping to to break your back to be paralyzed uh just so they can get a sick deal on an exoskeleton my insurance my insurance won't cover it unless i jump off

this roof uh and hope for the best because yeah you have to there's a real fine line between paralyzing and dying um you want to be not almost dead but not quite dead you got to be able to use the exoskeleton so i guess if you were a paraplegic, that would even work for that too, right? Someone else might have to use the exoskeleton. I guess it depends. Your brain. It's based on your brain. Your brain waves will be like, I want to move this.

And then you just walk. God, what a world. It's awesome. It basically attaches to your neurons in your brain. And when you think about moving your right arm, it moves it for you. This is a weird that's crazy this i mean and again it's just uh going off what my brain's thinking about we just read a movie where things would switch where everybody like in a wheelchair is now super get the shit out of you yeah like that's what i mean we'll be envious to those

people those people yeah come on yikes uh meant that's not what i meant please you called your letter to the senator uh okay this is something i found on the internet actually i didn't one of our kids did and it is great the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison right? Let's check it out. Together. As a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome!

Hey. Joe, I think Kayla is upstairs. Why? Oh, the dogs? You hear that? There's some kids walking by the window. Don't trust any homes! Don't come too close, you could get kidnapped!

So this... Elephant noises. Maybe do that. This was sent in by our son, Vincent. And again, we're venturing over to the wonderful world of Etsy. Oh, I thought you were going to say wonderful world of butt plugs. Of butt plugs. Which... It's anal beads.

Which, I mean, fine. No, but what this is right here is it's a butt plug sink plug or for your bathtub um but it's just yeah it's just a couple butt cheeks but it's an actual like a tub tub drain plug and it looks like anal beads yeah coming out of the butt that's awesome how funny is that and i know before you're going to blink and Christmas is going to be here. And this would be a wonderful gift to get for the person who closely resembles a butt plug in your family. Which is all of them. Amazing reviews.

I mean, almost all five stars. Is this on Amazon or is this like just an Etsy thing? I'm guessing it's just on Etsy. A lot of stuff that's on Etsy is only there, but who knows. But some of the reviews, like, these are delightful. I'm sure they are. These guys are amazing. Great product, great customer service.

I looked it up, and it's actual sex toys. Oh, yeah. On Amazon. Can you type in butt plug plug? It doesn't really, it's like, I don't know. I think you had a stroke. It says silicone butt set plug. I was just thinking about it. I pulled this this up and all these butt plugs are on here and then you know it says new and i imagine it says like get it's like 47 of new and used when the option

do you imagine you yeah could you imagine using gently used thoroughly washed and i saved two dollars ship it uh but if you want to get the butt plug plug just go to etsy and type in butt plug sink plug and then that'll bring it up but it is really funny i want the bronze one i want all of them it's a collector it's like collecting all the pokemon but butt plugs for your sink all right let's uh let's hear from some of the kids. Collect all three. Collect all three. Blah, blah, blah, blah. All right. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

Children, here's our first message coming in from our son, Butch. Believe me, we fought his mother on the name, but she wouldn't budge. So, Butch writes, Fathers, listening to you at work has become dangerous, especially since Brian stumbles reading. What are you talking about? I laugh so hard, I am nearly on the brink of passing out. And that's not a good idea, especially when driving a semi on the freeway. Yeah.

That's true. Don't be blaming Brian for you killing multiple families. Yeah, just because you murdered a family. Just because you murdered a family. Well, you're in a semi. You could murder a whole... Imagine a car accident and you just plow through seven, eight cars. Yeah, don't slow down. The mention of jerking off in a roommate's shampoo made me think of a guy I worked with about six years ago.

We were talking about passive-aggressive things we did to our wives and girlfriends, all fairly normal things, tightening jars, hiding things they use, stuff like that. In their butt. Mm-hmm. But this guy, he proceeds to tell us that when his girlfriend made him mad, he would jack off into her workout socks and then put them back in the drawer to dry so that when she finally went to go use them, they'd be scratchy on her toes and that'd make her toes slimy. Also, when the foot would sweat and rehydrate the residue mid-workout that's some long play stuff there none of us looked at

him the same afterwards your truck driving son butch i thought he said your truck driving son of a bitch truck driving son of a bitch i'm a truck driving son of a bitch Cody Dangle that's pretty fucked up because it's because you're not even around to see the reaction you're just like she's gonna have to deal with this

yeah how do you she's like god man I don't know what it might be my shoes like she's complaining about her swampy shoes I need some more air

I need more I need Crocs shoes that have air why did I just picture crocs with cum feet and it squishes out the holes you're like squish out the little croc holes oh yeah well that's something i've never i never jerked off with someone's socks but there's an idea uh you want to read our next story well have you ever jerked on of something i've jerked off Well, have you ever jerked off into socks?

Have you ever jerked off on something of someone's? No. Other than a body part? No. I haven't. I haven't, like, revenge jerked off on anything. Have you? No.

Yeah. I don't think so. A lot of people have, though. I see you have a little smile. No, I was trying to think of a funny situation, but that'll take forever. Okay. Okay, read our next to think of a funny situation, but that'll take forever. Okay. Okay, retard, retard.

Because I'm not that sick. Next one. Our second email coming in from our son, Austin, who writes, Hey, daddies. Hey. I have recently had an uncle who has cheated death many times due to cancer and various other reasons. Okay. Passed and wanted...

Okay, he passed. And wanted to have his ashes thrown in the ocean next to my grandfather, who we continually go... There's no way that's going to be next to him. Well... In the ocean? The ocean's massive. You'll see.

Keep reading. Okay. Next to my grandfather, who we continually go out and visit and sink beer cans to. I get it. Littering the ocean. Fucking turtles. Whatever. Fuck you.

That's the last straw. As a family and my cousins, in total, seven people, we went out and finally spread the ashes. We took our boat out and it was very and winty. God, see, this is why, you illiterate fucking kids, this is why I can't read.

Because maybe if you could write good. So we took our boat out and it was very and windy and the ocean was rough that day it was it was a rough day in the ocean that day i read like a very serious narrator reading it like that heading out to sea it was very and windy and the ocean imagine what's his name uh morgan free morgan. It was very windy that day. It was very and windy. It was very and windy. And the ocean.

Okay. After making it to the mic marker. See, you fucking assholes. Mike, you're doing this on purpose. After making it to the mile marker, my cousin opened the lid and the window blew ashes everywhere covering her from the knees down. After she decided she was done, so my... Wait. After this, she decided she was done, so my cousin took over.

After a wave hit the boat and the ashes were dropped onto the deck, continuing the mess. Meanwhile, my brother, who was probably hammered at the time, was panicking about having taken a big breath of my uncle. And kept making spitting noises. Long story short, we had to make a complete mess of my uncle and kept making spitting noises long story short we had to make complete mess of the pontoon and my uncle ended up being more spread over our lawn after spraying the ashes or after spraying the ash covered boat down afterwards side note in college uh when my best friend passed uh we as a group spread him and into a joint and smoked him making him forever a part of all of us keep up with the podcast i'm a huge fan thanks daddy oh man yeah i there there are multiple we have many emails that

have come in about fucking up an ash spreading situation the ceremony and whatever it is it's it really is darkly funny because it's one of those moments in life where i mean it's it's the end and you're having this thing it's you know it's just like it's one of those moments in life where i mean it's it's the end and you're having this thing it's you know it's just like it's supposed to be this like somber but celebration and like a final release and then something always goes wrong or a lot of times it does where it just ends up in somebody's mouth yeah and why is that that's what she said and why is that so funny to me well because again because it's supposed to be so serious and that that's always going to be funny to me well there there are multiple situations like that like making love do anything anything that they do

in a movie that's very when they do it in a movie it it goes great fantastic it's all emotional and the music and everything and then when you do it yourself like like when you're drunk it's never just like oh yeah it's just like oh trying to get a shirt off it's just sloppy so the same thing when you do like that it's like everyone's trying to be serious and somber remember this person and then you're choking on their ashes i just love the brother who's drunk like oh my god he's like throwing up his uncle he's drinking like swishing it around his mouth spitting it out and the boat's rocking and everyone's crying. Just a beautiful moment. All right.

Well, that is episode 20. We knew it was going to be a good one. We called it last week. I think, Joe, I think this was my favorite. New favorite, top of the list? This is my food new favorite. New food. My food favorite.

Yeah, Joe, I'm going to have to save. I wish I could talk, dude. This is my food. Sign up. Become a part of the gaggle. If wish I could talk, dude. This is my food. Sign up. Become a part of the gaggle. If you support the show, then we love you a lot because that means that you love us enough to give us money, which is important to keep the show going. It really is. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast.

Go find the tier that's right for you. Instagram, Facebook, look up Can You Don't Podcast, YouTube channel, Can You Don't Podcast, and then something you want to send in, a confession, petty beef, just a story, something that you recap that we covered last week or the week before for, hey, you guys! Send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com, rate and review us wherever,

and then thanks to the babysitters, the ones that the mods Of the Can You Don't Playground If you go on Facebook search for Can You Don't Playground That'll bring it up go join the nearly 25,000 people that are in there Fucking off everyday It's a very large group

You know what Tell you what I'm so excited Because Joe going back to that when we're sitting in the restaurant we've come up with some pretty funny skit ideas and i'm really excited to get some of this shit out video funny the video side of can you don't is coming it's something that we've been trying to do what we we knew we were going to do uh just has taken a little longer to get it launched because of certain things but now that we're going to get it rolling, we're excited to roll that out, get that going as a part of this Can You Don't presentation.

Some funny fucking videos on socials. I feel like today was a whole skit. It was. This is posted. Posted as a reel. As a reel, yeah. This whole episode is like, Jesus Christ. This has to be real long.

Real long. All right, let's do a joke. Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right, dad joke on the back end today. My landlord texted saying that we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. So I wrote back, sure, my door is always open.

No wonder the electricity bill is so high. Yeah, that's it. That's the joke. That's a funny joke. What are you doing, heating up the neighborhood? All right, episode 20 is done. Tomorrow or next week, we get drunk. It's episode 21, but probably.

Oh, yeah, we'd be legal. Yeah, let's not get drunk. 20 is another one of those ages that's just here. At least it's a round number. It's like a nice... 19 and 20 just suck all right guys bye whatever and stuff Bye.