Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Truth. Truck. Sugar. Useless Baby.

Episode Date: November 22, 2023

Be honest. If Arnold Schwarzenegger and a baby were both drowning in a pool and you could only save one of them... you'd at least consider saving Arnold. Let's talk about that, doing a good deed but then thanking yourself in the local newspaper afterwards, the world's worst detective, pouring sugar on your butthole, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/5y852chR4UUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Brian And I give you a quarter How many cents do you have? Wait, say it again Oh man I was trying to think if it was a trick Is it a trick? No

75 75, that's the episode number I was just Oh Trying to Well that's why a trick. Is it a trick? No. 75. 75. That's the episode number. I was just trying to. Well, that's why I wanted. Can you say it again? Can you just play the intro? No. What's a 50 cent piece?

Yeah. Plus, and I give you a quarter. Well, no. Do I have a 50 cent piece? No, I gave it to you. Okay. And then I gave you a quarter. Okay, now 75.

See, I knew it. I wasn't sure if you said, I have a 50 cent piece. I give you. A quarter. No, I I have a 50 cent piece, I give you. A quarter. No, I give you the 50 cent piece, you give me a quarter. How much do I have now? Oh, you thought I was doing a riddle. I did.

I was just doing a, the simple open just blew. Yeah. You're like, I'm not falling for this again. I blacked out for the first part of it, and then my mind made up the rest of it. Nobody trusts anyone anymore. Now you're like, what? What? Are you, what are you trying to get me to say?

Well, we were just talking about AI, how you can't trust anything. AI McDonald's. So that's it. Nobody trusts anyone anymore. Now you're like, what? What? What are you trying to get me to say? Well, we were just talking about AI and how you can't trust anything. AI McDonald's had a farm. For all I know, you don't exist. I'm just a hologram. You're taking a nap and this is just Joe's AI robot. Fuck, I wish I was taking a nap. I got weird like right about a half hour

before you guys got here to record today. I started feeling like kind of sick. I don't really know. I don't know. So good luck. Should be fun. All the blood went to your horse cock and now you just can't work. You're a little lightheaded.

You get one boner. You get one boner and ruin the whole show. It better be a good orgasm if one boner could ruin your whole day. I don't know. Could you tell me? Oh, okay. Maybe this should be a would you rather, but I just thought of something. If you could, it was the best orgasm of your life every time you had one.

Yeah. But it took everything out of you, so your day was ruined. Oh, just the rest of it was napping and chicken noodle soup? No, no. Like, just miserable. Oh. Like, you just felt gross. But for the short amount of time, it it was like magical like a unicorn of euphoria

just euphoria yeah no like any no drug could recreate with that feeling i don't think so i don't think i'd wash out the rest of my life just for eight seconds of my life the rest of your day well yeah well the next day i'm gonna come again yeah are you kidding me that's the dilemma yeah just not take a break non-stop coming like i want to have a few good days and then uh and then now i'm due for a i'm due for take the day off for a miserable day you know how it is boss trying to get your boss to understand it you know me so here's the thing i could come in put in my nine to five be the best worker you've had, but just know on the side, I'm never coming.

I'm not even once. I'm going to be frustrated. Because watch, check this out. And he started jerking off. He's like, what are you doing? Just wait. Just wait. Yeah.

And then you're like, and I hate this job. And he's like, what the fuck is happening? Get out of the break room, Brian. You just picture like you're talking to your boss. You're like, no, just watch how good this is. He started jerking off and the boss watching. He's like, and the boss watching, he's like, just hang on a second. And he's just got to watch you the whole time, and you're like, I am Superman! And fuck this place.

And, you know, whenever I see in the movies, like, someone, when they put heroin in their arm, their eyes roll back in their head, and they're just like, and they roll back. It's like that. That feeling. I'm picturing that feeling. And just like them, the rest of their day is ruined. Yeah. It does make sense.

Make sure to follow us on Patreon. That's how you get all the bonus content. Approaching 50 hours of bonus content. Got some new bonus merch available, too. We're recording so many weeks in advance. Just check the website. Because I don't know what merch we're going to have, what merch we're not going to have. Because Thanksgiving, so we gotta

you know, we're going out about three weeks to get this all done and taken care of for you kids. You want to see content on the show? You send it in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com We're doing lap time with Uncle Zach. This week, Zach, it was a quick preview of what we're doing here

on show 50 Cent Piece Quarter. Science. Science! Weird science. That was science. Remember that? That was wrong science. That was groundbreaking. Episode one, baby. That's fun to look back on. Yeah, it was. That was a jam-packed first episode.

That mummy. Millions of dollars to get this. If you don't know what we're talking about, go back to episode one. You'll catch up. Anybody that's joining now, what? 75 episodes. That's a lot. It's a lot.

It's a three-quarters of a hundred. Of a dollar bill. Let's just stick with the money thing. Yeah, the fit. A quick shout-out from our son, Cody. He wanted to give a shout- out to a big old happy goddamn. God damn it. To Alex, whose birthday is coming up here on November 25th.

So squeeze that one. And I remember the shout out for that one, but then we record so far in advance. I forgot to shout out for my own daughter's birthday. Whoopsie. That was last week. Last week. Happy 13th birthday pepperoni bologna sandwich. Pepper is a, I i mean she's a character

you've if you've heard her on the show she's been on on the bonus stuff but my god you guys she's off the rails she's i'll just facetime with her i think yesterday or the day before and she was doing some dance and then tripped on herself and fell and ripped down the shower curtain and just disappeared into the bathtub. And you can see her. She's on it. We've got to thank you to our sons, Aaron W. and David Carpenter, sending in some gifts. If you want to send in some physical gifts,

we haven't talked about it for, I don't know, like a month or so. But, you know, we got the new studio. We're getting all the gifts collected. We've got to decorate Zach's, the Zach den. Just white walls and a fucking ton of recording equipment. So send that in. You'll find a link in the episode description. Hey, Aaron.

Hey. This is, David Carpenter set this in. And it is a picture of all of us and him and all of our faces have been replaced on Mount Rushmore. Hell yeah, brother. And David is George Washington. Well done, buddy. Yeah. And I'm not sure what prompted this exactly um but here it is and i and no reason needed no reason no reason needed david it is awesome thank you so much mr washington uh aaron w sent in a bunch of artwork that he's

done i'll just show some of them right here it's a whole stack but you've uh you've seen like the the artwork where they put like the bull down and they do the quick spray painting and then put foil over it. It has all the planets. That's upside down. The moon. The planets look crazy in the buildings. It's really really cool. And then he also sent in

some lock picking kits. Oh, what? Yeah, yeah. We get to learn how to pick a lock? This goes back to my childhood. Who hasn't wanted to? You watch some spy movie and they. I watched. I was a huge MacGyver fan.

And it clicks and they get in. And I have no idea how to use it. And I don't think you guys do either, do you? Are there directions in it? No, there's not. There's a YouTube tutorial somewhere, though. But there's a billion different instruments to figure the fuck out, and I feel like that's exactly what we should do. Start breaking into our neighbors' garages and just start amassing a collection of shit.

Just stealing shit. You guys aren't going to believe it. I've saved up so much money for a new car. And, like, you just cop lights in the background you're like you didn't buy that you're right i didn't thank you aaron w just doing cookies in a local church parking lot dude i'm gonna ruin all my doors at home good because i i feel like i'm gonna watch videos and i'll be trying this like i have to use the bathroom like sorry it's busy and you're like fuck it click click fuck you it is yeah yeah like now there's room for two of us in there i know what it looks like

you can start picking locks well you wouldn't have to i mean you don't have to take a house key anywhere nope well since i don't have a car key anymore oh man um yeah i have to put my car key in my wallet so it's just one single key that, you don't want to lose that baby. Yeah, so if I just had my lock pick and kick. Picture you went out on a date, successful date, you're like you want to go back to my place? She's like, yeah. And you show up and you're like, one second. And you kneel down in front of your house door and

pick the lock. This will just be a second. One second, and you have your ear up to it. You look beautiful, by the way. I love those shoes. It's like one of those things that you see when they like uh when they're robbing the bank yeah doing the vault the suction cup they hear it quick which is one more second truly your dress is amazing tonight trying to show this is your house trying to keep her in the mood where are we going yeah you are so hot yeah

she's trying to she's like you See how good I am with my fingers? She's like, yeah. I'll pick your luck. I'll pick your luck. You know what I mean? All right, let's get off and start the show for this week. Get into big number 75. Are you ready?

Yeah. Okay. Zach. What? Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Did you have something you wanted to squeeze in? No, it was stupid.

13, you were like, oh, let's get off and start the show. Oh. Can't you wait until the end of the show to do that? Come on, you tell me. All right, so here we go. Let's go ahead and start the show. If you had to pick between being the world's best tetherball player or finding $100 on the street, how would you spend the money?

I'm just kidding. That was just funny to me. JK, how would you spend the money? That was just funny to me. JK, are you ready for the real question? Yeah. Can we talk about tetherball, though? Can you imagine being the world's best tetherball player? Who the fuck cares? Yeah.

I would much rather have $100. But if you can just show up to anywhere and just dominate. Who cares? Well, if you're asking a nine-year-old. I'm asking you, baby. Even a nine-year-old, if he had any wisdom, he'd be like, I'll take the $100. No, if he had any wisdom,

he would take the skills, he would hustle people. No one's getting hustled at Tetherball. You teach a kid to tetherball. That's a funny movie concept, though. And he'll tetherball for a living or whatever this saying is. World's best tetherball player going around hustling kindergartners for money. My youngest was just trying to play. We were picking up from school.

He was playing tetherball yesterday. Okay. There was a couple of kids. There was a couple of girls standing there. And the kid was swinging it and somehow was missing this girl's feet. She wasn't doing anything. So I had to walk over there. I'm like, maybe you should move back.

Because I was just waiting for it to hit her in the face. She knew she was watching the world's best. At least top five. Yeah. Okay. Here's the real question. You come across an old lady and a baby drowning in a pool. You can only save one.

Who do you save and why? The baby. Yeah, I mean. I know there's not detachable dicks. There's not fucking cum. I guess there's some boobs involved as an old lady. Is the old lady Betty White? No.

You don't know that yet just let's just say that these are this is just a random random people to start this question off it's a random old lady it's a random useless drowning baby which one are you going to save and why multi-useless old lady then too right sure because give me your they're basically like you know they're one starting useless and one's ending useless right so sure you could only save one which one are you going to save well i mean it's going to cost more baby will cost more yeah i mean they didn't say to keep the baby didn't say have to save the baby no i just mean like the the the weight on society that it'll cause. Right. Like if we, if we save the old lady,

she might live another week and then die. And then more money for us. Yeah. I mean, I was going to say, if you save the old lady, at least you can like talk to her about some reward money. Oh,

I thought you were going to say like, talk to her about her old days. Like she just tells you stories. No. That's okay. So I'm saving the baby. She goes, I swear to God,

I'm not always drowning. I used to do some really cool things. You're like i was a ballerina all right all right let's get you to bed grandma i was about he's like well by the looks of it not very good one right yeah well you're all she had an affair with you know rock hudson or something you know who's rock hudson old school actor. Yeah. Way back. I can't. He's the guitar player for Thrice. Oh, now I got it. Yeah, you got it. Nice, nice, nice, nice.

Didn't the Flintstones also have Rock Hudson, but they didn't change his name because his name was already Rock? I swear there was a Rock Hudson. It's already perfect for the setting. Yeah. Because they change it to Stone or Rock or something. He was like, no, same name. They're making a movie about Ronald McDonald. They just find some guy named Ronald McDonald.

That's easiest. Change shit. No one get confused. No one get confused. That's literally Ronald McDonald. Right there. Put a mask on him. Yeah.

So the old lady and a baby instinctually, I mean, all jokes aside, I would say at least, I mean, how high? 90? 95% of people? All jokes aside, you're saving at least, I mean, how high? 90? 95% of people? Wait, all jokes aside, you're saving the baby. That's what I'm saying. That's where I'm going. 90 to 95% of people just save the baby.

Right? Yeah, that old person's had their time. Sure. But that brings up the argument of wisdom versus youth. Which one's more valuable? Why is that baby's youth so valuable to you, opposed to the wisdom of the old lady? Wait, you're making it personal about yourself?

Well, no. Well, yeah, you have to save them. Well, I'm still saving the baby, because the parents are going to be like, oh my god, you saved our baby. And then all the grandkids of the old lady are going to be like, you didn't save my fucking mom? She was going to die soon anyway. You don't know that?

Everyone dies. The baby could die the next week. Sure, it could, but the chances of it are pretty high. Well, shaken baby syndrome. Yeah, well, that has... I don't know where that came from. What if you save the baby and then shake it to try to get the water out? To dry it? You have water in your ears,

babies? Why are you crying? Your ears have water in it? Here, let me get that out for you brian don't do that now that the old lady has hit the water there's a good chance that she's you know asphyxiated something and so she's probably gonna get pneumonia you gotta think a few weeks out you know yeah just saying yeah that's a fair point um babies people grow up into terrible it can grow up into terrible things i mean you could if you let that baby drown you could be getting rid of a ted bundy yeah is this the hitler argument i don't would you go back and go kill hitler if hitler was drowning in a pool would you save him okay now it's hitler and a baby is the baby's name adolf because then that does matter

we're in a little name tag uh adolf is probably a popular... It's kind of like Mohammed, right? There's too many Adolfs? Maybe over there, Adolf's not like a... To us, it's like, Adolf Hitler! It's like an average Joe. It's like average Adolf. Yeah. Actually, I don't think they use that name anymore

because of Adolf Hitler. I think the last name is also not on the books no more. No more. Yeah, I don't think you can just be like, you know what? I'm going to change. I'm going to change his last name to be better. I'm going to do all good things, like just add an extra T or something.

Can't just do that. Right. Okay, well, saving the baby. Got it. Now, what if you know? What if you know the old lady or you know the baby? What if your wife is drowning or there's a baby drowning which one are you saving well the here's the problem it's just some lousy baby if it's then they're

going don't save me save the baby but then you save the cheerleader if you don't listen to your wife anyway so you're gonna listen to her now what you're saying don't save me save this random useless good for nothing baby that's tough because you know having kids like i want my kids to have their mom like you could the baby can drown the parents they just start over again you know i mean like it's a baby just like try again yeah don't don't create a baby that wanders into pools yeah maybe put a cover on the pool if it was between my wife and a baby i'd use the baby as a flotation device to save my wife is that a sec out blow air into the baby fuck yeah and then cover its mouth so it's floaty oh my god my wife is way more valuable than some random baby just saying you know she's got 40 50 years left on the earth to do good shit so right

you know darty doing a lot of good shit why would you want to limit that because of a fucking baby what the hell's a baby gonna do we don't know there's so many dumb people in the world gonna just clog up the traffic yeah chances are the baby's gonna be some other dumb person it's just gonna be an average baby yeah that turns out average and just you just go through their life and complain don't do anything good yeah although their parents a pool, so there's a good leg up right there. I didn't say. Didn't say it's a pool. Could have been a pond, right? No, it says it's a pool.

Oh, it is? But it didn't say who. It could have been the old lady was babysitting the baby. I'm extrapolating. My bad. It could have been the old lady's pool. Fair enough. If you save the old lady, at least she'd get an apple pie out of it.

See, that's a selfish. I know. I get something out of this. Right. I'm not getting wet. I don't even like swimming I'm not getting in there unless I get a fucking pie or some money What do you mean you don't like swimming you weren't all-state swimmer five years in a row come on No, if the reward was oh my god. You got a baby like that's my award. No your reward isn't you get the baby Don't why why is it why are you thinking from a uh what do i get out of this because it's way more funny it's a financial decision damage yeah like i what if i have what take my my new clothes off what do i guess i had a birthday what if it's the next day after christmas i got all my new fucking clothes on how waterproof is

that apple watch really exactly it is up to three feet for like three meters for 30 seconds, something like that. Yeah. So it depends. And the baby's probably not going to float to the bottom. If it's in the deep end, you're screwed. I just love the concept of comparing a baby to an Apple Watch. I don't know why that was so funny. Like if a lousy watch can be fine at three meters.

Yeah, why can't a baby get a baby i think it's because babies make the apple watches good ladies probably right very much so yes both apple okay so apple watch two of the people that build iphones wandered out of the facility and fell in a pool fell in the in the eye pool i drown i pool and forgot their I life jacket. And so I drown. I savor. Or you savor. I savor.

You savor. We all savor. For I savor. And that's just the screensaver. I scream. I, little I, missing a whole market by not having an apple ice cream store. Ice cream. Oh, shit.

Okay, so let's go back to the knowing of the person. Now, what if it's like, again, what if it's just a famous celebrity and a baby? Like, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's tied to your childhood. And he's screaming in a funny voice. Help me! You got to get to the pool. You got to get to the pool. You got to get to the inner tube. Get to the tubey.

Get in my floaty. See, all these people are going to say, save the baby. Save the baby. But again, like, look, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or someone else who's done some really cool shit. I'm just going to pick on Zach for a second. Let's go... Mr. Watts.

I know you like him. Alan Watts? Alan Watts. Okay. You love him? You read his stuff? I appreciate him. Okay.

He's drowning. Okay. And there's a baby. Well, he's already dead, so he's probably... Say he's alive. Okay. He already did his work. And you know what he's done.

And a lot of his good stuff came super late in life. That's true. So would you just like say he was, I don't know, he had 10 more years to go. Would you save him or would you save the baby? I'd probably say, oh, God. Screw you, Joe. See? I still want to save the baby.

I know. And then we want to teach the baby Alan Watts' philosophy so that he can replace alan watts become the next finish his work yeah exactly it's your job now you sacrifice yeah you you will carry the torch imagine like you saving that baby and you're just an asshole parent just reminding that baby every day dad can i go out like blah blah like so i have some friends going out downtown and you just put your fork down and look at them. Never mind. I know you saved my life. That's right. Alan Watts died for you, bitch.

Alan Watts died for you. Did you slam your meatloaf down? This isn't the scenario, but what about this? What about, like, your favorite entertainer? It could be your actor, comedian, whatever. Band, whatever. Someone that you just, like, I love everything they do, I don't want them to ever go away. Versus like

the most attractive actress that you, like, she's got all these nude scenes coming up. Or something like that. And you don't want to, yeah, you have a little time machine, you know what's coming. It's like, oh man, she'll never have done these amazing nude scenes

and all this. Or just whatever. Whatever you're into. Or feet shots. Or whatever you're into out there. What a creepy reason to save someone. I know. Well, or.

Hear me out. But this is going off the selfish factor of, like, what I get out of this. Or, like, or that favorite. Maybe your favorite comedian is a woman. Maybe she's every one of those things. it's like silver silverman and if you're brian you let him die and you can fuck him because that's not illegal that's right we've been over that yeah they've only been dead for five minutes what if i did that and then the cop was like you can't do that i'm like why show me because it's illegal y'all what i didn't know oh my god is it buckle your pants you're like that's so crazy i

had no idea oh did you know that's illegal i don't know you told me what i got one for you joe that's just your opinion man what okay it's the members of thrice are drowning all of them and five babies five dead babies and you can save all of them but you have to pick one side of the pool. Yeah. Thrice or babies. I think that we're all good. Me and all the members of Thrice are going to sleep comfortably on a bunch of dead babies. Some nice little pillows.

You'll get a VIP pass for sure, Joe. Oh, man. I know it's just fun thought, but why is it instantly like it's just save the baby? Because it's got its whole life ahead of him. I know. But, okay, what if it's not an old lady? It's just a middle age. It's us. Some 40-year-old.

Like I said, the person that's drowning most likely would tell you this. Could you imagine if they didn't? Because, you know, I think like in the movies or whatever, like every hero is like, just save the baby. Don't worry about me i've lived my life could you imagine that same scenario the guy's like he's like obviously i'm gonna go after the baby right like yeah you see it and the guy's like no dude like hey baby look at can you be so hard to carry like i can still flap yeah i can still flap get me dead weight you're trying to lift. That's a baby.

I mean, imagine if they said that to you. Yeah, that'd be awesome. Screaming, fuck that. They're splashing the baby further away. You're going to go. No way. You have no time. You have no time. It's too far away.

Picks up the baby and throws it to the deep end. Well, fine. Oh, no. The baby's too far away. Who are you going to save? He's like, I'll just walk over there. No, goddammit. walk over there. No. God damn it.

Just save me. God. What's with you and babies, you weirdo? Yeah. Insults. Pedo. Fucking pedo. What are you doing trying to save a baby?

Why do you like that baby so much? I'm calling the cops. I'm calling the cops. I'm calling the cops. I guess I thought that was a fun little thought experiment. And we're actually doing a little bit more. A little bit more of that. We're doing another curveball here coming on the What You Thinking About.

Another fun one here. You ready to take a look at it? Well, would we decide? I mean, glad we're saving babies. Bums me out, but whatever. See, all we get out of that is just a saved baby, some happy parents. The question at its core is between a random old lady and a random baby. And in that scenario, you're saving the baby.

If you know the person, like if it was my girlfriend or it's like one of my family members and a baby, I got to save the family member. I don't know the baby. I don't know what that baby's going to do. But I know that my family members have kids and they can bitch at you too later for sure the baby's gonna not talk for another couple years yeah it's just a baby the baby won't remember anything

it's just a baby so if I don't have any tie to it I will save the baby but there's definitely a lot more implications if I have a personal connection to the person and no connection to the baby that's fair it comes back to the person and no connection to the baby. That's fair. It comes back to the monkey sphere. What was that called?

Yeah, monkey sphere, indeed. People you know over people that you don't. You don't know. Tribalistic little shits we are. I mean, yeah. Yeah, I guess. Fucking baby. It's just stupid.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, let's move on to what are you thinking about? We just stupid. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's move on to the what are you thinking about? We got a listener sent something in. All right. Hey, Zah! Hey.

Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? And we could go on forever about this particular one, but we're not going to. It's just another fun one to throw in here.

Because we're going to die eventually. Yeah. It's a little twist that we normally do for the thinking about. But it was sent in by our son, Gaping Gabe, who writes, Do you care if what you think is true? Well, I recognize that. Recognize that, baby. I remember hearing it a long, long time ago.

I brought it up to Zach before the show. He has talked about it in ZachCast. ZachCast? In ScatCast. Is that a different show? That's next year's show, yeah. Yeah, just keep adding them on, buddy. Just more casts. Have you ever heard that before, Brian?

Cast, cast. Do you care if what you think is true? Mm-hmm. So he just wrote a little bit with this, and I'll read it. It says, I love this quote, and I try to spread it whenever possible. Just wondering what your thoughts were when you first had that, oh fuck moment. The more I think about it, the more I seek out logic and truth. It became a pivotal moment for me. It was a very strange realization to have thinking, wow, everything could be wrong. Even

things I have verified to be true. And we're all just living a status quo lie. Trying to be more sensible every day. Truth is relative with every piece of knowledge gained until we find the end. Never stop seeking the truth and neither will I. I'm a fallible cunt, but I've learned to forgive myself. He says, Gabe, McSanchez, gape

the shade. McSanchez. Those are all the ones he goes at. Gape and Gabe. That's got some bounce to it, doesn't it? Do you care if what you think is true? And I mean, him bringing this back up, I have bounced all around, but I was curious to hear you guys' thoughts about it. We have a whole political party based around it, the Reasonableist Party. Reasonableist.

That is the motto of it. It is a joke. Yeah. But that is the motto is to the motto Just like every political party Am I right? Yeah, absolutely Okay But care what you think is true

And know how to figure out How to find out Those are our rules And don't be a cunt Don't be a cunt That's the first rule Yeah, that seems like That should be number one

Yeah, that should be A political thing, I think Yeah I will just imagine That TV ad coming Joe Paisley Will not Be a cunt

We at the Reasonable-est Party Do not vote foraisley will not be a cunt. We at the Reasonablest Party do not vote for cunts. We do not vote for cunts. Dick Johnson may be a cunt. Is a cunt. Yeah, is a cunt. But Joe Paisley would never be a cunt. I'm not a cunt. I'm not a cunt.

Living in beautiful downtown Coeur d'Alene. This non-cuntness is approved by Joe Bailey. Yeah, this is very much philosophical. Yeah, and I agree with that. I have this conversation not as much as I used to. When I first started getting, like, thinking about this sort of question, I was a lot more vocal about it. Mm-hmm Try not try not to anymore but once I was because I went from like Having thoughts and opinions based around the people that you're surrounded by mm-hmm I grew up in a small town. My perspective of the world was this way. I met other people, huh?

You can't even say it on the show. If you ever mention small town. Growing up in a small town. Riding ditch in a small town. Driving tractors in small towns. It's really the stop hammer time of our generation. It really is. Starting fire too. Okay.

Anyway, back to you, Brian. Back to you, Brian. As soon as i started meeting other people and stuff and really seeing other perspectives getting then getting into like deeper conversations like i my family wasn't religious um i went to like a bible camp but it was just one of those things like you just god was just a thing it was like uh you god just existed there was no questioning it it wasn't we didn't go to church but there's just no and then when i started asking questions and then i started getting into like this kind of question where do you care what you think is true and it's like to me it was like logic and reason science things like that that

are things are tested you know proven all this kind of stuff it was like i started caring more about opinions that people had or thoughts that people had or that i used to have just based on because somebody said that or it's like the people around you believed in something versus you know it's like well i never questioned it and now i'm like how i have all these questions and so i started thinking like yeah i you should care if something is true and true is a weird term i was going to say because there's a big difference between what is true and what is something that you have an opinion on yeah because a lot of times those are blurred there are things that are true like for an

example if we could this is a whole other thing but if you want to get into like god religion theology all that kind of stuff true to one person it's complete bullshit to another person yeah exactly so true is a weird term because when i think true I think I don't think there's any possible that the Christian God or the God of like the Bible that that could exist. I just don't see how that's possible to exist based on

reality based on what we have what we have what we learn all this kind of stuff, but there are other people who think that it is true it's it's like it is the absolutely true so we can argue about truth but there's really only one truth and then do you and then the the why like yeah how do you know it's true yeah how do you know why do you care like so where like why do you care so much of what you think is true and i guess it goes like

i mean further into just i mean mean, simple everyday things, too. Like, I mean, again, this is probably getting, like, a little too waxy. But, like, you're, like, I don't know, you're looking at, like, a pencil there. You're, like, that's a pencil. And you're, like, yeah, no, like, for sure, like, that's a pencil. And the other guy's, like, I don't know. Like, I call it this. And you're, like, no, it's that.

And then, like, at what point do you have to be like, ah, fucking whatever. Our moral priorities are like taste buds. We all have different moral priorities. Some people like individual liberties and that's their number one. Some people like the common good, the greater good kind of thing,

the collectivism. And that's literally both good people, but they have different priorities. It's a good book on that. Yeah. And it's hard to fault someone based on their like even even people that are like really religious i just you know i don't see at all their side of it but it's not that i'm right and they're wrong they are in my brain they're wrong

because based on what my view of the world is but they have that view but for some reason and you can't really blame them for it yeah because they're that's just the perspective they have i think the just the the one little bit that i'll add here well it's just again like just remembering what you think you're saying is a truth could definitely could be an opinion so be careful 100 there's opinions are truth our opinions are not true yeah the middle between bullshit exactly and you have to be careful don't ever think that your opinion on something is the truth about anything and don't appeal to authority either that's just because a lot of people say something well just because a lot of people say something doesn't mean it's true. Even in science, we've learned that throughout all of history.

Yeah, absolutely. I got some of that for you today, actually. Oh, yeah, nice. When we get over to lap time. Exciting. I guess that's my issue with any sort of idolizing anything, whether it be a deity or a person or anything. Ideas or a person or anything ideas or yeah it's like if you if you believe so hard wholeheartedly in that thing you don't have room for any sort of other thought and i don't care if you're it's a far left or far right they're just as flawed because they don't see anything other than that so ideology is the enemy of reason

it really is absolutely yeah uh okay well that's i think it's a that's a that's that's enough to chew on for the what are you thinking about but something to throw into everyone's brain just uh like what did it and why do you care why do you care whatever stance you have on anything why do you care be ready other people think that it's true be ready to fucking if you're gonna go deep into it and actually say do it explodes yeah because i ended up in the fetal i had a radio show and i said things to p and i thought i cared if what i thought was true but when i really delved into it it's like do i do i really do the due diligence to find out and do i really really care you know i ended up in the fetal position and i had to drag

myself from the lowest point of my life because i didn't think that i cared yeah yeah yeah and i did it publicly i did it in public the my idiot yeah my extent of caring is if it affects somebody in the negative that doesn't you know like i don't i don't care what someone believes or what they believe in or what they put there but if they're they believe in that thing so wholeheartedly that it directly affects a bunch of people negatively when it turns to laws and shit yeah like that's that's when i have the the problem with it is because it's you know like if it's not based on reality even things in reality you know that can be real will affect others negatively but i would rather base it on things that are um observable in the observable world we can see that and base things around that than people's

thoughts or wishes or hopes absolutely exactly so the answer is vote skynet exactly actually uh so bring in ai yep get rid of anything all people all human interaction fuck them fuck them um okay get rid of laws get rid of laws all of them anarchy baby let's do it now we're talking survival of the fittest uh Can I show you a little slice of my dick? Sure. Alright. Zach, will you let me do it? A little peek? Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Real quick, Joe. Yeah? How come, like, ball cleavage never took off? How come ball cleavage never took off? Yeah, like, women's tits. Oh, just let them hang out? You know, like, you see cleavage, but they don't show like women's tits. Oh, just let them hang out? You know, you see cleavage, but they don't show nip. Mm-hmm.

Like... I love how we just went through this like giant, heartfelt, like philosophical adventure. And we play one segment sounder and we come out and you're like, ball cleavage.

Well, like, I mean, like, if you could wear pants where your wiener's a little bit, showing just a little bit of nip cleavage. Yeah, just the tip. Yeah. No, not the tip. The tip is like the niener's showing just a little bit of cleavage. Yeah, just the tip.

No, not the tip. The tip is like the nipple. Oh, put a little sparkle on it, like bedazzle your balls and let them hang out the bottom of your shorts? Yeah. Or just out the front of your pants? Yeah. Like a little window? Well, the balls hanging under would be kind of like the underboob on a crop top shirt.

Right. Yeah. Or just the base of your dick, but the head's covered, kind of like the nipples are covered. I think it's because boobs are awesome and balls are fucking weird. Amen. Yeah. Okay, so this first one... Some might disagree. At least looking at

the headline, not funny. Because give me a second. Dead skydiver found on front lawn of Florida home and in quotes says, the worst I've ever seen. Florida. So detectives are investigating after a skydiver found on front lawn of Florida home. And in quotes says the worst I've ever seen Florida. So detectives are investigating after a skydiver was found dead in the front yard of a residence near the air park in Florida. A 30 set authority said back on Saturday, a man outfitted in parachute attire and gear was located just before 1230 PM on the lawn of a home in Titusville.

I thought it said Titsville, Titsville, about 50 miles East of Orlando. Uh, a home in Titusville. I thought it said Titsville. Titsville, about 50 miles east of Orlando. The Titsville Fire Department responded and said the man was pronounced dead at the scene. Again, none of this is funny. Identified the man, 69-year-old Frederick Morello. Rest in peace. And they have, I'm going to link on over here to a news story about it.

So you can hear a particular interview that took place about this. And they have surveillance camera. You'll see here. A story in Titusville developing tonight about a skydiver crashing in a family's front yard and losing his life. Here's that report now from News 6's Brad Dillinger.

If I talk like this, people think I care. We've been speaking with neighbors off of Mary Lane where they say a man using a parachute made a hard landing just down this road and died. One neighbor catching the incident on their surveillance camera. Surveillance video capturing the moment a man landed in a front yard. We're stopping the video right before the hard landing, but you can see the reflection of the skydiver coming in on the back of this SUV. He landed right here. James Scaniers tells me it was

his front yard where the man landed. He says he tried to help. I was asking the person that landed on the ground, hey man, can you hear me? Can you hear me? You okay, man? But he did not answer. In Titusville, police had not released many details about what happened, but in a statement said the man was pronounced dead. I'm going to go ahead and pause this for a second. Just talk about that first part of that interview. So the headline saying, worst I've ever seen. Hey man, you okay?

And this guy walks out and he goes, you good? And so. She's like, oh shit, man. I know. When the police department is saying saying worst I have ever seen. And this guy is just like, I don't know. I'm gonna see if he's fine. So not really not lining up quite yet.

I've seen him come this way and land almost here. But the landing ship is way over there. So how did he even get over here? Good question. Wind. Who is a Vietnamietnam veteran how the fuck would he know just that setup question i don't know you tell me that made the cut and he goes the where he's supposed to go is way over there how'd he get over here and then he

puts the microphone in his face and he goes i don't know i hear a man that has no idea this was happening until he walked out his front lawn. What happened? What happened? You tell me. I think it has to do with physics. I don't know. I just got here.

I don't know. I just got here. Okay, keep going. Airborne Experience says this incident left him with questions. Look at the video and look at what happened. Why did he fall so hard if all the safety mechanisms were in place, so to speak? Something tell me there's a problem there. You think?

God, there was a problem. Fucking news stories. Here's some obvious things. Here's some things. He's like, I don't know. He had a parachute, and then something went wrong. And they were like, put it in the clip. That's good info.

This is expertise. This guy knows what the fuck he's talking about. What's away from this neighborhood is the Skydive Space Center. We stopped by to see if the parachuter came from their company, but we were told no comment. Titusville police have no- They came from their company and they're like, well, you tell me. Did it have Skydive Palace on it? Yeah.

They're like, yeah. I'm like, no comment. Well, nothing to do with that Yeah. They're like, yeah. I'm like, no comment. I don't know. Fucking nothing to do with that asshole. Like what? Like trying to shun him? Yeah. We all know what we're doing here.

That motherfucker. No idea. He probably stole all that stuff. He didn't come from Skydive Palace. No way. We all know what the fuck we're doing. Not said if the man was with the skydiving center. Scarniers says their community needs answers.

I forbid them right here. You know, and from a safety perspective, we need to make sure things is the way it's supposed to be. Now there are some... From a safety... I'm just thinking about myself now. I might be walking out to get the mail. Right. From a safety perspective,

like this is a, like every neighborhood watcher or whatever gets together. Like, what are we going to do about the skydivers falling from the fucking sky? Like, I am sick and tired of losing sleep over whether or not I'm going to hit by a falling skydiver. That's going to be like a platform of a local city councilman or something. I'm not a cunt. And I hate getting hit by skydivers. I approve this message.

I approve this message. No, but it reminded me of, uh, like the opening of that, of that clip. They talked about how the guy landed and he was equipped with parachute stuff. And it's like,

no fucking shit. So I'm, uh, this world where the, like this detective shows up and they're talking to the guy and they're looking at it and there's a guy exploded in the driveway with a parachute attached to him and everyone's like i don't know i'm pretty sure he came from skydive palace but he was trying to it's i mean it's only two miles that way and he's like let's not jump to

conclusions here yeah he's like he's like i don't i don't see skydive palace on the back of this parachute like well for sure he was skydiving it's like how do we know that yeah it's like well we got surveillance footage of the guy coming down he's like well did you see him land no we just have him swooping in at 300 miles an hour right into this exact spot it's like we don't have footage of him landing though like we just gotta you know we gotta keep doing our doing some homework do you even care if what you think is true, for fuck's sake? Right. And the guy just, he's wearing all the jacket stuff.

He has, like, a flag, another flag that says, I love skydiving. And he's like, a little button on his shirt. Yeah. That's kind of all I got. I die for skydiving. It just says, like, I voted, but it's like, I skydove. I skydove and live to tell the tale. He bought it when he went out.

The detective's just looking at it. He's like, I don't know. It could be anything. You know, it's a weird world out there. Never know what you're going to get into. No idea. But just, yeah. His name is James No Fear Johnson.

The whole fucking thing. The whole news story. You had all the pieces for a nice, compelling story. And you came out with that shit. And it just made me just laugh. More about the news in general. How news will cover shit, especially locally. The reporter's like, I'm not going to do any research.

I'm just going to ask this guy what happened. Who's lawn. He's like, I don't know. I just don't feel like it's safe. I love how, I mean, just because it's in the guy's lawn. So, like, imagine if anything was going on. Like, let's say a missile, like a stray missile went into a neighborhood, blew this house up and killed his family. And the guy that ran over to check on him he's like so gaza's over there right

like why why would dismissal hit here land in your i'm just thinking for like from a safety angle like this is not right that's dangerous you gotta figure out what happened this is pretty dangerous well thank thank you print put it on the news um Good insights. Good insight. Thank, buddy. The second story, and then we'll get off to lap time with Uncle Zach here. Can you imagine doing this? I mean, this is such old man shit to do. Man, 89 years old,

cut neighbors' hedges as they, quote, hadn't bothered, and then he thanked himself in the newspaper. Nice. That's so fucking funny. So this feller, I mean, you got the whole, but Keith Haynes claimed he cut back a hedge

grow to make a path more accessible for pedestrians and wheelchair users. Then he wrote to his local paper saying he'd like to thank me, saying the tenant responsible for it hadn't bothered to keep the hedge cut. His actions have divided opinions with some residents, including someone who was blind who was thanking the man,

while others said his gardening efforts had left an absolute mess. How'd the blind guy know that he did it? Because he's not, if I keep reading, he gets poked in the eye and stuff when he's walking. Says the hedge was growing over the sidewalk. What's the problem? What's it to you? You're already blind. What, are you using them? Is that what you're saying are you worried that you're gonna lose your eyesight

but he says like he walks into like stinging metal and things because you know he's you know the stick is down doesn't have a not walking around with a helmet on um but so he's thanking him other people are saying great job other people because there's an old man thing to do he just cut them all you know he didn't pick them up he just kicked him in the street and then he fucking writes into the paper and look i'd like to nominate fucking myself me me for the biggest award for the key to the city is there a cash prize yeah he's like i like to recommend me for Key of the City. He sends a picture of him with his hedge clippers. God, that's such a... With a big pile of shit in the sidewalk.

He's standing on them. Or he's standing in front of it, clipper, it's just giant fire in the background of the shit he's burning in the street. First of all, big thanks to me for doing what my fucking lousy neighbors wouldn't. But Keith said he did go over and talk to him like he informed them that he was going to cut their hedges and they didn't do anything so he just took that upon himself to be like i'll do it that's yeah i mean it is though it's like this guy's got nothing better to do nothing to just so um there's a lady that lives

across the street from my kid's school okay and. And she's one of those ladies that, like, when school's in and out, you know, starting and finishing, she's, like, in the window just watching people walking down the street. She's commented a couple times to my wife about parking too close to a hydrant to pick up the

kids. Like, honestly, who fucking cares? The fire truck will pull up. If they need to, they'll put a fucking hose through your window They don't care and rightfully so whatever But she comes walks across the street to in one day my wife's she's trying to wrangle the kids In the car and she's over there like now you need she's just you know like get the fuck away from me and then a couple days ago we parked in front of her house and went and got the kids, walked across the street, busy street. So let's just get across the street, lady.

And we're getting in the car and she comes running out of the sidewalk and walks right up to me and leans down and grabs up a little tissue, like a dryer sheet or something like that and she goes uh yeah hey your daughter dropped this um just wanted to give it to you and i pick it up and it wasn't even ours but it must like she just saw it she thought we did it but she ran out of her house to run over to make sure that we picked up like that's all she does that's. She waits for school to get out so she can go out and just like and get on somebody for something. Here you drop this. What kind of life is that? Oh my god, thank you so much. I don't know what I was going to do with this

dryer sheet that's not even mine! It makes me want to just go fuck with her all the time. You just go over there and like board her door shut. Like right before, park really fast and run up there and fucking board it up. Drop a bunch of shit in her lawn. Yeah, board up, throw some McDonald's bags and then go grab your kids and get the fuck out of there. Definitely save the baby that's drowning over her, I guess. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if I would have known that. She's drowning. Not that that guy is the same way, but it's like, it's that personality. No one's doing that but an 89-year-old man. Like, oh, they're not going to do it, so I got to do it for them. And then thank yourself. Yeah. God, that's funny.

That is funny. That is really funny. People that are, I mean, mad about the mess, I guess, I mean, I can get that. But like, well, dude, at least clean it up. Then thank yourself. Mm-hmm. But he's like, fuck, I did all that work and no one was around to see it. Guess I better thank myself in the local paper.

Okay, let's do some lap time. I'm excited to see what Uncle Zach has for us this week. Hey, fuck that, dude. Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach.

Sit on my lap, you little shits. Science! Science. Oh, there he is. little shits. Science! Science. Oh, there he is. I'm sorry. It's okay. I'm juggling. What are we doing?

What are we doing science stuff? Lay it on us, man. You got our attention. I'm focused. I took my meds. Okay. Okay. All things sound good now.

Cool. Well, last time we talked, I think I might have induced a little anxiety, trying to remove anxiety. So I thought I'd look at some of the cool things that humans have been up to in the last five years scientifically. You know, I love that. Okay. So this should take some anxiety away, if we think about it.

So first of all, the universe, we used to think, was about 13.7 billion years old. Okay. It's not. It's about 26.7 now. Oh, so double that. Double that. Billion. Yeah.

Fuck. You should feel very confident in the science of that because they were just off by several billion years. Yeah. We also found new relatives to the human species. There's Australopithecine, Sabira, I think is what it's called, but it lived 2 million years ago and there's a good chance that we fucked

it. Whoa, what? Yeah. Is that different than just Australopithecus? The Australopithecine. This is Australopithecus. That sounds like something you use to rub paint off something. It does. Australopithecine? Australopithecine.

But I guess there's a few different species that they found recently. And one of them, it's actually called Homo naledia. Naleda? Hey, man, I ain't no Homo. I knew you were going there. But it lived about the same time as humans did, so we probably fucked it and or killed them. You said two billion? Fucked it, then killed it.

No, we're talking just 236,000 years ago. Oh, okay. And humans were probably running around 250,000 years ago or so. You think? They think so, maybe. 100,000 years ago, maybe at the lowest. But then there's also the hobbits. You guys probably heard about that a few years ago.

There's these little people. They lived in the Philippines. They're about three to four feet tall. I cannot pronounce what they're called, but they're basically homo bilbo bagginses, something like that. Homo bilbos? Yeah. So basically 6,000, 7,000 years ago, or let's see, 67,000 years ago they lived. Okay.

So we definitely fucked and or killed them, just for the record. But then we move along. Gene editing, something that we learned about when we were kids i love this topic the crisper technology like acid wash is that no even more different genes even more advanced than that but apparently china and night in 2018 they decided to genetically modify human embryo and put it into a woman's uterus and they gave birth to two twin girls who were modified so that they were resistant to HIV, which pissed off the entire world because there were lots of other things. Wait, they did this where? In China?

Mm-hmm. I thought they killed girls in China. They do. So why did they make two girls? Well, because they made them then tested HIV on them. Correct. So they could kill them. Got it.

They were condemned by the wider world for sure. Got it. Then you look at space and you see that we've looked at Pluto recently. We've looked at Jupiter. We've been on Mars so many times that they're flying helicopters and shit and they're converting CO2 to oxygen there. Pretty neat. They also discovered a giant black hole closer than we thought in the past. It's twice as close as the last one we saw.

It's called Gaia. And, you know, that's probably one of 100 million that we haven't discovered yet. So that's also very nice. They also, you know, we talked about how mosquitoes murder the fuck out of people. There's a malaria vaccine. It's not really a vaccine. It's more of a treatment because it cures about 30% of people. But that will save millions and millions and millions of people.

Yes. So it works on about 30%. Gotcha. And that went under the radar. There's more. Yes, there is. There's more. Yes, there is. It gets more.

The largest volcanic eruption ever recorded in history happened just recently in the South Pacific. And it was so devastating, it sent water into the atmosphere like 58,000 Olympic swimming pools worth of. How many football fields is that? 17. Okay. Yeah. Or no, maybe 18. 16. Oh, yeah.

18, I think. Okay. But it warmed the atmosphere temporarily, and that never happens. So the world's largest volcano erupted recently. That should be good. Robots are better now than we even thought before. There's a company called Amica, A-M-E-C-A. They're in Britain, and they have created a fucking robot that is pretty fucked up.

Okay. It has teeth and has a very eerily lifelike bullshit fucking attitude kind of going on. Can you fuck it? You will definitely want to fuck it. Cool. But it is androgynous as of now, but it has teeth, bro. They're giving robots teeth. Also, they discovered a woolly mammoth recently, 30,000 years old, preserved, and they're gene splicing that bitch because why not?

We talked about this. Yeah, the McMammoth. It's back. McMammoth's coming back. The McMammoth. Right, so Jurassic Park is something we have to look forward to.

Here's another couple things. I'm looking forward to them bringing back the woolly mammoth. Yeah. I think that'll be pretty neat. If we killed it off once, we'd kill it off again. Things aren't gonna get out of hand.

Imagine all the wool that we could get. Like, they could shop. Oh, woolly. They could stop killing. I'm fucked. It would change the economy is what we could get. Like, they could shop stop killing. I'm fucked. It would change the economy. That's what it would do. Yeah. That's gonna be great. Here's a great one. Bring them back so they can kill them for

the wool. This is crazy. So, we think we're super smart on this planet, but mushrooms fucking talk to each other. They learned that recently. Probably about us. I don't know. But there's a web of underground shit that is similar to our nervous system. And they use 50 fucking words.

They talk to each other that closely resembles human language, too. They're not fucking around. 50 fucking words. So they could probably fuck us up in the future. But they're talking about their injuries and food and what's on TV. That's pretty nuts. Can they drive Mario

carts? The conversation underground between all the mushrooms? But they're using and what's on TV. That's pretty nuts. Can they drive Mario Karts? The conversation underground between all the mushrooms. But they're using up some of the words because he goes, why do we look like dicks? And then, ha, ha, ha, wall, wall,

L-O-L, totally, for real. You just have to talk about how they look like dicks. You know they have to have a sense of humor, right? Yeah, but they've been around long enough to develop a good one. Well, they're a fun guy to be around. They got a dirty sense of humor. Get it?

Yeah, Brian, I get it. Well, I got a few more things. These are just some random fire. Rapid fire? Some kind of fire. Random rapid. So CER it is. Well, I got a few more things. These are just some random fire. Rapid fire? Some kind of fire. Random rapid. So CERN, you know, they created a black hole like they thought they would, and it's pretty interesting, and it's acting just like they thought.

Wait, what did? CERN. What's that? It's a big telescope. It's a Haldron Collider. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't know enough about it.

Ice volcanoes they found on Pluto. That's kind of neat. They revived dead pig organs recently. That's a thing. So there's zombie pigs running around. They crashed a spaceship into an asteroid and altered its course for the first time in history. That's pretty. Bruce Willis.

That'll probably not be a problem in the future. No. They actually completed the sequencing of the human genome. For the last 20 years, we've had 92%. And they knocked out that last 8% in the last few years. So congratulations to us for that. Computers. Yeah.

There's hydrogen-powered bullshit. Oh, check this out. They put human brain cells in fucking rats. That's good. That should be fine. Why'd they do that? I have no fucking idea. You're going to turn into Splinter.

They can tell dick jokes, too? Probably. Just a bunch of rabbits and mushrooms talking to each other? Rabid mushrooms? Yeah. A couple more. People have discovered that people are awake in comas now, and they've figured out how to make video

versions of your dreams, so that'll be sweet for the future. That's exciting. And last but not least, they're pretty sure that we live in a simulation because the furthest you can go down with a microscope, you find things that can be basically classified as 101010. I saw that guy talking about that. That was crazy. We're not headed towards a technocratic nightmare hellscape at all.

And that's my lap time with you guys. I had a feeling there's going to be a twist in there, you big dick. What's crazy, though, when you think about it, it's like all that stuff that we've discovered and figured out. And then to think that this is the shit that's going on. This is kind of what I was saying earlier. I find it so hard to believe that something... So definitive? Yeah. It's like, look at all this shit we're figuring out all the time.

You think guy down there that read book knows everything? And that guy's got all the answers? He's got it? Fuck. I know. I'm surprised they're so far off. I was actually, there's watching something. It's narrated by Morgan Freeman.

Oh, the. This is, whatever it is. It's that, it's that like dinosaur. It's like going back in history, then up to us. Our life on our planet or something. Yeah. And I've, I've watched all of it and i was enjoying it um but it's and then cassie girlfriend she was that she was how the how the fuck do they know like four billion years and they're just like yep four billion i

mean you know four to fourteen billion i got so many years it's too much for our little brains too many years and i know how they study it, but to come out crazy, they're like, yup. Like you absolutely know what billion, the difference of a billion years is so massive. But when you just say like,

Oh, five to 10, five to 10 doesn't sound too bad. But when you're talking five billion years, that's so many, it's so, but you have to fucking years. Like I,

I always, I kind of wondered that. That was, I remember going to a museum or something, and they had, like, what a past relative could look at. And I was reading it, and it was like, this was blah, blah, blah. It lived, and I remember thinking, like, how do they know that? They have a way better idea than i do yeah but the smartest motherfucker that's still that's still a lot to be like i know but what i think what they're doing

though it's obviously it's the best best guess because the knowledge that they have in geology you see layers of the earth yeah yeah so they it's it's you know you you have a line and you start putting the pieces in and then you can kind of fill in those gaps based on how you got from here to there yeah yeah so it's you know like a lot of it's just that it's like we know this we know this so history repeats itself or you can look back far enough like the big bang you know it's like it's everything's moving this way. What must mean that it came from a center point, right?

So science requires one miracle and that's the big bang. Cause we have no fucking idea what the hell happened there. But then after that miracle, it's fucking empirical bitch. That's an interesting thing too, though, because you have, you have positive energy and you have negative energy and they,

they contrast each other. But when they come together, they also equal each other out. So you have basically nothing and even thing, and then something can change. And now you have something. So what is the miracle expanding into nothing? But it could have, I, I, i someone someone one time was like the chances of the big bang happening to to make everything the way it is to make the sun the way it is to make our earth livable it had to be planned out it had to be it has it has to be just so and it's

like well sure to our standards it has to be just so. But we just are one solar system and one star that is this way. Another one could be completely different. And it is completely different. And to say that it has to be just so is a little crazy, too, considering the whole thing is trying to kill you and give you cancer. Exactly. So it's not like we're living in a perfect set up climate. No, it's not perfect at all. It is endlessly trying to kill you, as Zach discussed last week.

Well, if you look at evolution as a whole, I mean, this is going down a rabbit hole, but as a whole, when you look at what animals are made up of, any engineer that does work on efficiency, I want the easiest, simplest way to get from here to here. Our bodies are so complicated no person building something would ever build it so stupid because the way that you can see like nerves and stuff like that their laryngeal nerve the way that wraps up and

all this kind of shit like no one would wire something like that we got our sewer system right we're near the playhouse so yeah right yeah yeah the playground the sewer system let's just put those together what's the worst that could happen imagine disneyland like that dude there's this like look into the giraffe so that that nerve i'm talking about and in humans or you know we all have it it's like you know it's that long or something on a giraffe if you look at animals like like that, it goes all the way up and all the way back down the neck and then connects. It only needs to go that far. But it shows like over time how something is adapted to situations. And if anybody was making it like that, they wouldn't have fucking made it like that.

And they're like, well, the eye is so complicated. No one. It's complicated because it's been changed over time you know so the reason i'm saying this is because just because something is complicated doesn't mean that it was intentional and you needed a brain to do that it's all honestly it's kind of the opposite so like all the stuff that we're learning now it happens over long periods of time to get to the point to where it is yeah it's too hard to wrap our minds around macro and microaggression or aggression evolution it is but once you start looking into it and understanding oh then then

it makes like that's where i'm at and like i can look at that and go that to me makes sense where this over here and from an unbiased point of view i can look at that and go based on other animals isolation all this kind of stuff yeah i see how that would happen based on this is like there's one answer and i just like i can't it doesn't work for me in reality well that's that austroepithecus that we saw. It actually has it's an evolutionary step in humanity because it walks similar to how we do, unlike some of its ancestors. So that's kind of showing it to us. Yeah. Look at this fucking gorilla that saves that kid and tries to breastfeed it and watches over it.

There's an elephant that can do math. And then we look at they're like, oh, my God, it's so amazing that it does that. Like, why did that an animal cares for something? Why is that so amazing that it does that. Like, why? That an animal cares for something? Why is that so amazing? Does exactly what it's supposed to be doing? Yeah. We do the same thing, but we also kill each other for no reason. Amazing.

Amazing. Designed. Anyway. Off of that note, let's take a look at some good news, though. Okay. This is too much bad. All right. Good news.

Roll it. So you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah this is a good idea that i i know these exist out there but the idea of doing it on a national scale and then everyone fucking doing it is so cool but kenyans get a tree planting holiday to plant a hundred million seedlings jesus that's a lot fuck yeah like i mean because we have earth day but earth day is usually like some boring ass event in your library like that's what we get it's like hey come on out and there's different organizations that do go out and they do plant trees but how cool would it be if it was a national thing that everyone could get behind where it was a holiday it was set aside everyone gets everyone could get behind where it was a holiday, it was set aside. Everyone gets the goddamn day off,

whether it's planting trees or cleaning up trash, like just something that everybody in the community could do one time a year, one philanthropy where it's like, Hey, no work today. Go clean up your fucking neighborhood. Like it would work.

Everyone would be out there. It would be, it would be a great thing. Well, think about how Things would change if we change Mindsets so like I was just having the conversation at lunch today there's so many people like I try to do I Recycle but sometimes I don't feel like what taking my thing to recycling I'm just gonna throw it away and it's something like oh, you're not recycling dude 93 of the time i recycle fucking chill out so you have so many people that

are just like you you have to recycle you have to have to so then it makes people annoyed with the whole idea like the notion of recycling now i'm doing it at a spite just to fuck you over because you're so vocal about that you know like where if people just realized as a whole like let's just try to do a little bit better for everyone not take a hard stance to to piss off other people just try to do a little bit better community overall the whole world would do better so even you, Brian! So even talking about this one day like this, just like, I don't know, just stop criticizing for someone

that didn't recycle something and do it a different way to where we all just sort of do it. Because it's the best for the entire community. It's the best for the country. Without putting someone down and bullying them because they're not doing something, that's just going to piss them off and do something out of spite. Because I know from experience, I'm not speaking out of my ass, like the people that I grew up around, when you hear someone talk about recycle or the environment, it their conservative anti like that's every yeah it triggers that that reaction and they just get they get pissed because all they hear is someone

putting them down for not doing it yeah telling them what to do so now i'm gonna throw the trash out into the field just because to to fuck you right when you if you did it in a way where it just helps everyone if we don't do it it's not so like you're not putting anybody down and in the target to reach a hundred million planted trees you want to take a guess on how many seedlings one person has to plant uh two that's it that's it? That's it. Two. Everybody in the world? Just in Kenya. Oh. Two! You can walk out and be like, I don't have a time for this. You can be walking

or driving somewhere and just be like, and accidentally participate in tree planting day. Like it's like throwing some shit down. I love how we leave it to third world countries too. To do something great and cool. Yeah, like we have all this fucking time and money. Nah,

fuck it. I know. It's just, I just wanted to also put that out there. How fun would that be? Even on a, on a city level, like just have everybody do it.

And if you market it right, everyone would do it. It'd be just a fun thing to do. I know I would go out there and clean shit up and plant trees. Yeah. And go to Mr. Mr. Beast.

Mr. Beast has got a whole philanthropy YouTube page where he built a bunch of fucking wells in Kenya and shit. And it's like, he just did it because he's like, well, no one else is going to do it. So he did it. But he also set up a thing where you can go and contribute. I don't know. He just gave a half a million people water. That's pretty awesome.

Yeah. I don't know. He's just got a different mindset. It's great. Okay, let's move off to something I was able to find. It's also kind of a little twist, which is the theme, it seems, for this week's episode. And I know there's some bad to this,

but that's not the point of it. Let's get to it. Come on now. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes! That's awesome! Now, again, I know not good. The big giant companies don't always have your best interest in mind. But I just like the concept of this. And it goes a little bit back to last week. We were talking about like following the analytics. I'm not sure if you remember that.

Like if all you did was follow the analytics, we were talking about cars and their rear lift gates and shit. Then no one would invent something new. Like people would be like, I don't want my phone to do that. I want my phone to make calls. I don't need to type people on it. So the analytics would have been like, yeah, I don't want my phone to do that. I want my phone to make calls. I don't need to type people on it. So the analytics would have been like, yeah, I don't want that. And then they make the iPhone.

You're like, never mind. It's fucking sweet. So Amazon, whether you love them or hate them, they're offering medical help now. So it says Prime members get high-quality, convenient care from One Medical. It includes 24-7 on-demand vital care nationwide and easy-to-set-up office visits for any of the One Medical's hundreds of locations across the U.S., all while saving $100 on their annual membership fees. It's like $9 a month to have on-call doctors 24-7 through Prime. I've always wanted Costco to run health insurance. And I, I try to think of these things too. When I look at these companies, I'm like, where,

where would they benefit next? Like, I mean, pharmaceutical, there's just so much money there. So you're like, yeah, you'd, you'd expect them to go there. Yeah. Big rubber, big rubber, big pharma, big pill. Um, like you expect them to kind of dive into that. Um, but I did not expect Amazon to look at the medical field and then look at technology and be like i you don't have can you when you go to visit the doctor you talk to the doctor for what three fucking seconds you wait for 45 minutes yeah talk for and then you three the nurse does your vital signs and then you sit in there by yourself for 20 minutes doctor comes in for five and then you pay your copay and then they kick you out.

So kind of a, at least as far as I'm concerned, a little bit of a broken system. It's a little weird. It's like, hey, you got to go do this. Give us money so that you can go get the medicine that you need. Like, it's just what it feels like. And so Amazon's looking at that and be like,

you don't need to fucking go in there. And you can have it on demand. You can add your family members to it. Obviously, that costs additional things. And then, like I said, they have on-site medical centers too across the country, which I'm guessing if it goes well and expands, you would have all these Amazon medical buildings in whatever size town where you could go in. But you don't have to go in until they tell you to go in. Because originally you'd be like, these are my symptoms. My kid is really sick.

The doctor can see them. They can talk you through what to do. Doesn't that just make fucking sense? I mean, I don't necessarily like that it's Amazon doing it, but it's because it makes me feel weird. You guys know what I mean? Yeah. Well, there's actually a private system of a bunch of doctors around the country there's a website for it i can't remember the name but they basically give

you a menu and you pay like a hundred dollars a month or something for almost all of the surgeries they can do all of the basic stuff for you you pay more when you have to do surgery and stuff like that but according to them most almost everything in the medical field is something you can do over the phone so they offer that service too so it reduces the cost i mean you imagine walking into a place balls they won't do that now i mean for five bucks more can they milk my prostate over the phone but maybe i mean no probably over time i mean you could help you have your in-house robot your little maid and they call it over to milk your prostate you're on amazon you're on your echo on video alexa alexa finger

my butt okay okay back to you zach just imagine having i couldn't find it a menu where you walk into a doctor's office and you know how much it's going to cost that that by itself undoes a lot of this wastefulness that we have in our system where we spend six hundred dollars for an aspirin you know insurance companies man all right yeah it's a big big problem a lot of people think it's just the doctors fucking everyone over it's absolutely big big problem a lot of people think it's just the doctors fucking everyone over it's absolutely not no no they're like you fuck it that's how you make all your money it's like no insurance companies and big pharma just skyrocket it to fuck each other over and government guaranteeing things too they've made quite a mess of things

anyway so i thought that was cool one medical if you want to go check it out i also was blown away the first time i've seen um i forget what it's called amazon touch your palm or something it was in century link where you don't need your phone or anything it just scans your palm yikes yeah so but again it's like why is that yikes i don't know it feels weird because just having it scan my phone in some regards is getting more information than if it was scanning my palm um but you just hold your palm up to the reader because everyone's palm is fucking different and it knows it's you and then lets you in you pick your shit out then you walk out you scan your palm again it knows what you took and away you go how far away are we from minority report where they just customize advertisements 20 years walking you think so 20 years yeah i mean they already kind of do it but

it's just not like on billboards that you're walking around. I'm sure it does it in some places. They just got to figure out if it's more beneficial to walk around and have it advertised to you or just put it in your pocket. Right. Pump it to your brain. Yeah, exactly. Just pump it to your glasses that you're wearing or pump it to your phone. It's probably way more. It has a way more reality.

Yeah, successful rate than putting it on a billboard. Pump it to your Neuromix. You're wearing your augmented reality glasses or whatever, and you look up at that board, and it's different for you based on. On what you're looking at? Oh, yeah. You know what? I think the cool thing about this is, if you're having to wait too long in the Amazon waiting room, you just go pack up a couple packages, keep yourself busy. Because I imagine it'll be at the facility, you know? You just order like a faster doctor.

Yeah. Or you just order like something to play with, like a slinky. Yeah. Like, I could use a slinky while I'm sitting here. Yeah. Yeah, right. It'd probably be a same day delivery at least. All right.

Let's hear from some of our listeners. I'm not sure if we're going to get to both, but we might. We'll see. Go! All right. Let's Hey, you guys! Alright, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow,

that's cool. Hi. I'm trying to figure out... Okay, one second. I gotta... I gotta re... I don't know if I can... I know we'll listen to it a couple times, but I'm trying to time this just right. One second. Okay, I got it.

So our son came across this, Scott, and he sent in this email. It just says, I heard this song on Facebook. Made me think of you guys and Brian saying, driving tractor. Hopefully this works. Living house. Love the show. Been a fan since day one. So this is another one from one of my favorite accounts to follow. There I ruined it.

And this is claims to be an AI version of Luke Bryan doing like a country song. Just like your stereotypical thing that you would hear in a country song. And my God, is it funny. Here we go. Truck, jeans, beer, girl, creep, boots, truck, tan legs, train, dog, beer, Dixie cup. Got a beer in my beer and a Chevy in my truck. Got a dog at the wheel, cut off, jeans, truck,

dirt road, bike road, beer, moonlight, red, white, and blue, girl, Friday night. God, that's so funny. One more time. Truck, jeans, beer, girl, creep, boots, truck, friday night god that's so funny one more time truck jeans beer girl creek boots truck tan legs train dog beer dixie cup got a beer in my beer and a chevy in my truck got a dog at the wheel cut off jeans truck dirt road bike road beer moonlight red, and blue girl Friday night. That's one of my songs that I wrote is kind of like that. It's better, though.

Damn it. God damn it. Fucking robots. You got a Chevy in my truck. I had a line, like, something about a beer and a beer. I don't remember what it is, but it's just like holy country inception. Just all of it. Pandering. They're nailing the voice,ing the voice though fuck yeah i don't know if that was real if it was someone that was singing along to it my understanding is ai is not quite it's not gonna write the

fucking words and the melody for you well you know what's funny about that is they probably luke bryan wrote enough songs to where he's said all those things. They could have just cut clips out of the thing. Yeah. I'm sure I don't know what they did, but like. It definitely could have been. That's how cliche country. Can be. Okay.

So this is our last one and then we'll wrap it up here. Second email coming in from our butthole fixing daughter. Lily says, Hey daddies. While listening to episode 72, you guys were discussing prolapsed rectums in the Would You Rather portion of the show. I work in a hospital. We had a case in the ER where a person had a chronic prolapsed anus. Chronic? What are you doing to it?

We're trying to research how to fix this shitty situation. We discovered that the actual treatment for this is taking granulated sugar and putting the medical sugar directly on the prolapsed rectum. This causes a chemical response with the tissue and causes the rectal prolapse to fix itself. Whoa. Here you do it. Yeah. Imagine the shock the patient had when the nurse and doctor walked in the room with a dish of sugar and explained that these sugary buttholes the answers.

We all had a good laugh for the rest of the day, and thankfully that patient didn't have to come back for the same issue again. Yeah, just pouring sugar in their butthole. Pour some sugar on my butthole. On my rectum. Prolapse this fuck. Love the show. You guys make my day,

especially when the chaotic zoo in the city's ER makes me question humanity. Much love, your red-headed stepdaughter, Lily. Nice. Keep pouring sugar on buttholes, Lily. You're doing the Lord's work. Speaking in that realm, go check out my song, Proctologist. Proctologist. It's now up there on

Spotify's and the Apple's. It's a hit. I love that shit. Sitting mic, making songs. Trit. Writing lyric. Playing guitar. Oh, that works. Yeah. I love that shit. Sitting mic, making songs. Trap. Yeah. Writing lyric. Playing guitar. Oh, that works. Damn it. Telling joke. Telling joke. Singing songs. Standing mic, telling joke.

Alright, well that's show 75. A little twist from what we would normally do. Hopefully you guys enjoyed it. We had fun. Sign up, become a part of the gaggle. The show continues each and every week with the bonus content. You get that by signing up. Thanks to everybody. A lot of new ones in the past week. The show continues each and every week with the bonus content. You get that by signing up. Thanks to everybody. A lot of new ones in the past week.

So thank you. That's patreon.com. Get that trial, too. Yeah. Patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook at canyoudontpodcast. Of course, the YouTube channel for the video version. Something you want to see on the show or something you want Zach to talk about while we sit on his fucking lap.

Email that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com and then keep on rating and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. It truly does help. Spreads it, gets it out there whenever you guys do that. All ones. Yes. All ones. If you can put zero, go ahead and do that. And then everything Uncle Zach does, that's scatcast.com

Scat cards out now. Scat cards out now. Scat cards out now. Get them other. Fuck, it'll be like two weeks from now, though. No, that's when they'll be out. Booster packs, baby. Okay, cool. So the cards are out now.

Scatcast.com. The whole universe. Go check it out. You ready to wrap shit up? I am. It's a fact this week. Fucking fact. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? And we most definitely did not talk about dicks enough. So the record of the world's longest distance semen ejaculation goes to Japanese man Horst Schultz. No way. Too close to horse. Guess what his record was? 18 feet, 9 inches. Whoa. And the highest height? 18 feet, 9 inches. Whoa.

And the highest height? 12 feet, 4 inches. With the highest speed being 42.7 miles per hour. I always had a, I had a video idea for this. I was going to call it the, um, something like the Jackoff Olympics. And it was basically like, it just, yeah, you walk up to like a football field looking thing, like a mini one, and you just- Blow it.

And then like a javelin, you put a little flag. And we landed. Like the guy whistles, then scoots out there. He runs out there, yeah. Puts a little marker down and scoots out of the way. Yeah. Oh, man. 18 feet, nine inches.

42 miles an hour. That's like, I mean, where we're sitting right now, that's easily hitting Zach. Yeah. Thank you for putting it that way. 18 feet. That is a lot. So if I could just ejaculate that far, I'd hit Zach right in the face. And then 12 feet.

Think about your average ceiling. That's 8 feet. Oh, basketball hoop's 10 foot, so that's another 2 feet. Your guy going fucking over that. Oh, my goodness. That's like LeBron. He's LeBron aton it comes how far is a free throw free throw line about that i think it's about a free throw i remember covering of this

fact i'm not sure if it's exactly this fact a long time ago but i'm not sure people uh i wonder if he's good at free throws with his jizz 15 15 feet i think they they must have broke the record because that's over the distance of a free throw. I remember the last time I talked about it, I think it was a free throw. So, hell yeah, Horst. Cool name, too. Horst? I mean, I'm picturing Michael Jordan in the dunk contest. Just running, leaping, flying through the air.

Tongue out. Tong now tongue out and this guy was even farther higher and faster and faster than that where's that where's his nike sponsorship like a picture that in slow motion where he's running just through the air and then picture this guy just like up the side it's like flying next to him ripping out of the frame with a slow motion camera just way too quick for all of it I don't know if anybody remembers this but I had a Superstars video from like the late 80s and they had music to go with it and my and Michael Jordan's was take my breath away By Berlin. Mm-hmm. And so the beginning of the video

It's like it's like Top Gun to just showing the Jets and everything and then a jet takes off and right when he goes up To dunk it and they kind of overlay it. Oh, it's like Top Gun just showing the jets and everything and then a jet takes off and right when he goes up to dunk it and they kind of overlay it with it. It's really cool. For the late 80s, it's really cool.

Then a jizz rope hits him in the face. Yeah, right in the face. Ah! Right before he jumps, he slips on some cum. Changes everything. He's like Ballpark Franks.

What? That was one of his sponsorships. A lesser known. Yeah, a lesser known. Okay, that's it. We'll keep going for the one to subscribe. If not, we'll see you guys next week. Bye!