Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Turd Throw. Shoey. Popeye’s. News Baby.

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

AHHHHHH!!! THREE YEARS ALREADY?! You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for all the support over the last few years. Hopefully you enjoy this FLONG'ED out episode to celebrate three years of utter nonsense we like to call Can You Don't?! HUGS AND TUGS.*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/fspSPAIcWuUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Turd throw. Shooey. Popeyes. News baby. If I blow mine too hard I blow it out Zach you been sucking on this thing? Yeah it tastes like Maybe like a birthday cake Like your thing Three years of sucking on it Oh we have a new echo

That's weird it's a lot louder i know we'll figure it all out uh zach you're a lot closer i love it i know you're right here now without even pushing the the talkback mic go ahead and say something i love it see he's right here now he's right right across that wall uh three years holy shit of can you don't podcast what position did you play i played left host i played right host okay zach i played dickhead okay cocksucker in the other room if you're not watching the video version uh we brought back what we wore last year uh i'm a seagull is this a seagull that's a seagull i look like a seagull? That's a seagull. I look kind of like a melted snowman. Like a melted snowman.

I've got these wings. Yeah. Who's that? It's seagull for sure. Okay. Because that was a seagull in a rap song. And your dog. Yeah.

Dog the bounty hunter. Okay. So we got these things on. Zach's over there. I'm chilling. So he's wearing clothes. Kind of warm in these. Warm in these onesies. I'm chilling. So he's wearing clothes. It's kind of warm in these. Warm in these onesies.

Free onesies. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit hot. But we got a new studio. We're all set up. And we're celebrating three years. I just want to make sure.

We know a lot of time has passed over these three years. But I. Something that hasn't changed is I just recently shit my pants. Hmm. Okay. As one does. It's an ongoing theme. This one was one of the worst of all time.

Because normally, like the best case scenario for when you accidentally, it was not like an emergency situation where I ate something and I knew it was coming. It was an accidental shart. Hmm. And I was sitting down and uh you know we're getting the getting everything moved into the new house and the new studio and uh one of the things that we set up to entertain the kids was the electronic drum set and uh cassie was playing something and i was like oh no i'll show you the like show you an easier way to get that, like how to separate your hands and feet, whatever.

And to be funny, I was like, let me show you an easier way. And before I was going to sit down, I went to fart. And right in front of her while staring at her just shit my pants. As you were grabbing the drumsticks from her? I was like, I'll take it from here. And what I did. You tried enough. You've done enough.

And I just go and just just pump it just a nice splat and just my you know the face oh yeah oh she's like what i was like i 100 just shit my pants while you're holding the drumsticks i was like you take these and i'm gonna go do this um you're doing great keep it up I'm gonna go clean up a little bit Yeah don't even acknowledge it like you know what never mind You got this What smells bad did you fart don't even worry about that No it just smells like you're playing

What stinks is that yeah you can't figure out how to play this A basic four on the floor A four over seven and you're an idiot I'll be back in a second when you're ready As I walk upstairs to clean up my shit pants And just walk all cool away Knowing you have to go clean up poop i know i imagine that's quite the turn on uh yeah i actually think we still had sex nice oh yeah i mean at least you know it's clean at that point right i mean all day butthole you don't want to just dive into an all-day butthole

that's what my dad used to always say wait does cassie lick your butt uh she has yeah oh yeah it's not like it's just something that has to happen i feel like we've covered that before it's not just part of the routine like i'm fine with butt stuff but it's like if you decide to take the butt stuff off the table like i'm still in i don't need it it's just a silly fun thing do you shave back there position well i do i think we talked about that shave your crack i shave my crack and it's not because of butthole licking it's because there was a certain time in my life that i had a realization that all the hair is back there all they're doing is just

getting ground and shit yeah like every time you wipe you just just rubbing these poor little hairs and poop i mean they're probably there to stop chafing yeah but so you're just eliminating any possibility of of chafing no no you're eliminating the possibility of them helping you to not chafe yeah but they also are just holding on to poop they do do that yeah they do do that i do do that oh shit oh fuck you guys you guys you guys inform me that we have a there's a special moment that's happening right now yeah what's happening there's a little uh you just told me to write it in the notes it's been a long time coming But we've got something for you And I think you're going to enjoy it

And it means a lot for Zach To bring that Thing in right now Oh jeez Got it It didn't take me long to Oh there she is Oh my gosh

It's a 7 string with 6 strings on it It's my god damn with six strings on it. It's my goddamn seven string. Write some new songs. Joe's guitar that he's been pining over for the last how many years? I don't know. That's pretty sick. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude.

Is that flamenco? Guess what would be nice? All right. If I could touch your body. If I could get my guitar back i know not anybody will have it again oh zach you're never gonna borrow my shit again i borrow it yeah you can borrow it you have my microphones i do well you weren't using them yeah well that's how zach felt about this guitar and he's not wrong joe just joe moves from his old

place and just had stuff around and they didn't use so we just and when we were i was helping a movie the other day i was like wait we want to do this yeah thinking about letting this go i mean you're doing a lot stuff i'm you know i'm just not in that groove anymore yeah i figured why not let you use some of the nice microphones yeah well that that's awesome! So I got the 7-string back for three years. So that joke is now dead. Oh, yeah. It's still a 6-string. But there are some extra cat hairs that probably weren't on it before.

Oh, nice, nice, nice. And Zach can probably easily get back into this house and take it if he really, really wants to. Should have told Zach to keep his paws off of that thing. Alright, we have a massive show for you guys today Before we get into that

We have some other super big news Let's talk about Patreon Okay We've been kind of spitballing For a while now On how to really spice up what's going on Over in the gaggle Because we realized that we started it

We've had the same kind of perks and it's been a lot of fun but it's time to punch it up so we came up with what we've decided to call a honkathon oh well yeah but one little dizzy I mean it's a honkathon what you gave me was like the like a kid version of a marathon where they still give you a medal at the end. Like a little kid run. But this is a full one. This isn't a honk a half marathon.

This is a honk-a-thon. This sounds like so many different things. It sounds like a big thing. It also sounds like a car dealership thing, too. It's the honk-a-thon. Toyota-thon. So we got the honk-a-kathon so here's what we're doing we've set up multiple goals right there on our patreon page patreon.com slash can you don't

podcast and when we reach them with our subscribers we will do whatever it is that we have set for the number of paid subscribers okay because there's a difference between the people that are on the can you don't patron that are just showing up and checking it out and the ones that are actually subscribed. So there's two different numbers. And so we're going with the paid subscribers. And these first round of goals are just to get the ball rolling for the honk-a-thon. And we're sure that everything will get better. We'll mold it as we go, blah, blah, blah. So currently we sit at three 25. Okay. And here's what we're going to do will get better we'll mold it as we go blah blah blah so currently we sit at 325 okay uh and here's what we're gonna do so at 400 patreon subscribers for the honkathon brian and i will get a silly goose tattoo maybe silly goose on the loose maybe it

whatever it is it's gonna involve geese yeah um this is ridiculous brian you have tats yeah right now you're you're a puppy dog and we can't see the tattoos they're there though yeah oh they're there i i don't have any not one no not a one not a single tattoo how the fuck did you get through life like that especially being in a metal the metal band world and just no tattoos whatever so the fact that the very first tattoo that i ever get is going to be a silly goose tattoo is fucking ridiculous so that's 400 at 425 we're going to make brian go get his eyes tested probably long been a long time coming anyway so there's that and it's there's two different ways to look at it like one your eyes you've

been in denial and your eyes are actually bad and it's going to help you read which i feel like is better for everybody or they go and they say your eyes are fan or they're fine and you're just a fucking idiot yeah i think that the latter is most likely no because i feel like my vision's pretty good it sounds exactly like you being in denial at 450 brian and i are going to go on a hot air balloon ride together yeah i know that i've i've already risked my life once but i will do it again with Brian with why. Way up in the sky. This is something I've accepted that I

will never do. So, $450, we will travel. Again, all of these things are going to be documented. You'll be rewarded for helping us to better this show and allow us to invest more of our lives in this show. At $4 invest more of our lives in this show uh at 475

uh zach gets a camera okay we know it's a very high request we want to see zach when he talks okay but things cost money also zach having to worry about pushing a button when he has something to say that's like longer and switch over to the camera it requires additional training okay there's a lot hours hours of training there's a lot going on here so zach you're getting a camera at 475 at 500 patreon subscribers on our patreon uh there's going to be an additional patreon only bonus episode that's released every single month so that's more of exactly what you love and it's going to be exclusively available to the gaggle and the reason why that's at 500 is because uh in order for us

to cut back on other things that we have to do to make money and to make a living we have to have enough patreon subscribers that will substitute us putting time aside to put not do those and do these because we truly do love doing what we're doing but you can't just only do this if you can't afford to only do this that's just weird that you can't do that you that is capitalism baby and so you have to we have to be sure obama so again so the 400 through 500 uh this is just the start as we move forward i'm sure like we'll get the gaggle involved you guys will decide what we do for these different 25 subscriber increments of what you guys want to see what you guys want us to do uh but this is a great way to grow the show we figured uh what better time to announce the honkathon than on the three-year anniversary of the show that was a terrible one i thought i thought it was pretty good i like that

one uh so again head on over to patreon.com slash can you know podcast there's also a link in the episode description per always the hawk is on this november it's on come here hawk with us performing live zach flattery maybe that maybe like a high number a high number get a uh get zach to go perform an rv show we we yeah we like contact rrrv and get Zach to go play out there. And we just stand front row. Yeah. Just us two in front of him wearing the dog costume and a fucking whatever.

That would double my normal audience. Nice. All right. Okay. So reminder, if you want to see something on the show, send that shit in the email addresses. Hey guys,

it can, you don't podcast.com. Plenty of new merch. It's a great way to support us. Head over the show, send that shit in. The email address is heyguysatcandyadontpodcast.com. Plenty of new merch. It's a great way to support us. Head over to candyadontpodcast.com. So on the show today, we are doing, like we have done in the past, a little bit of every different segment that we do. So it'll be a little beefier episode as we celebrate a new studio.

Where's the beef? And again, three years. What position did you play? Let's get the show going. Zach! Yeah, dude. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already.

Okay. I bet you do major squeal on that fucking checker, dude. So this is tying back into one of our Patreon honk-a-thon tears. And this is a combo sent in from our sons, Chris and Bradford. Bradford. They write, would you rather have to wear high heel shoes 24-7 every day for a year? Or. You'd feel sexy.

Or have to listen to Brian with with a y read war and peace all right just slam on me and day slam on me day huh i'm just just the dog i'm in the dog house apparently i know just your reading skills i am wearing a dog costume so that makes sense you belong in a dog house okay um sniffing up the wrong tree or i think that was fun like the little like just the the first comment that you made about feeling sexy oh yeah like 24 7 for a year how long wearing some high-heeled shoes would you be over the fact that you feel sexy well i think in the beginning it would be complicated and then you would like well if i'm gonna do this i'm gonna get sexy with it what's the what's the complicated part learning how to walk and putting them on

yeah learning how to you ever seen some of those high heels that some of those girls wear it's almost like and i think that's important to for us to uh to establish as men like there's a high heel shoe that's kind of like the iconic shape right like the red stripper high heel shoe right is that what we're wearing because i know there's different versions there's different inches that you can wear it's gotta be is it a stiletto is that what they're called that's nice good word see stiletto is Is that what they're called? That's nice. Good word. Let's see. Stiletto. Is that what I'm thinking of? Jared Stiletto?

From 30 Seconds to Mars? Okay. See, this is what I'm thinking. It's got to be like... Zach's got a good one. Have you ever worn one before? No. Never? Either of you?

Maybe for funsies, but you just put them in, but not more than 30 seconds just trying to be funny. When I was in high school, a gal dressed me up like a girl for our french class and i had to walk around in heels for and i have size 16 shoes i don't know how they found those i think they were like 14 but i don't know what size that is for females 28 it was it was weird it was awful but not fun it was fun to try yeah. It was fun to try. Yeah. It's always fun to try. See, what I find funny is there's this, like this picture right here, the classic kind of like sexy stiletto. Yeah.

So that's what I pictured. I mean, those don't look like carbon fiber. It's a little too fast for me. But look how straight her feet go down. That looks really uncomfortable. Why do you have carbon fiber stilettos? I don't know. Just so fast.

It's more of the shape that i'm thinking on the back of it has a little like a little spoiler a little fin on the back to make sure you don't go too fast you can't lift off the ground you can't start flying um this is also i think what i think would be funny dude fuck this i look ridiculous okay so like so a woman's leg like a sexy woman's leg wearing these shoes. Okay, show me again. I was focused on my single horn. It's like iconically sexy, you know, like the shape of a nice leg in those shoes.

And then there's this kind of shoe too where it's kind of like open foot, completely open toed. Yeah, a little naked. But just picture like your legs or like picture Zach's legs with his giant feet in those shoes. With a little ribbon bow on the top. Over some hairy toes. I just want to eat you up. I picture, what's his name? Jenner.

Like Caitlyn Jenner. What does Caitlyn Jenner look like in high heels? Can't wait. I didn't expect to come today, but here we are. I also didn't expect to get my guitar back, so here we are. I don't know what to expect today. Yeah, things are going to get off the rails. I just pictured those giant fucking man feet inside of...

I don't know, but Zach has like extra man feet look at those look at those fucking feet that's what it kind of was when i wore it it's a little like that okay so a little lower oh those could be stabbed into the ground i don't know yeah oh geez okay but it says 24 7 so this is again with the bedtime uh no sports no exercise you're not going for a little jog running on the treadmill in a gym with those outside playing catch with your son in fucking stilettos i'm picturing going to like my base kids baseball practice you're in third base coaching third base all right come on bring them around you can do better than that two on the pond couple ducks on the pond for you come on knock them in like scratching your leg

wobbling a little bit redefining the hot corner yeah oh hey no you do that yeah you're like all right couple ducks on the pond and your ankle roll a little bit. Angle roll. I'm picturing the iconic halftime talks from coaches. I don't have any off the top of my head. But whatever. Like a Bears locker room is where I'm going. Or like Fighting Irish. Wait one for the Gipper.

Ankle rolls a little bit. Standing up in front of a football team. Yeah, wait one for the Gpper we want it ankle rolls a little bit standing up yeah we went for the gipper is the top oh my god so ridiculous but then waking up again middle of the night going to the bathroom like just tiny little things that you have to always i mean going to the grocery store you got to get over uh the embarrassment with i'm sure you would if you're hungry enough you're like dude I'm fucking getting this sushi from Safeway. Or chicken strips from the deli.

Dude, I am doing, you can't, I'm not going to just do like fast food. You got this, some tasks are going to be. That's what DoorDash is for,

dude. But then the other part of it is listening to you fucking read. Could you imagine DoorDash, like you DoorDashing with heels? Enjoy your meal. You got to get out real quick and run someone

over their big tunnel up the driveway. Roll your ankle. You got to get out real quick and run someone over their big tunnel. Roll your ankle? Ow, ow. They're watching on the fucking ring doorbell? Rolling up with your doorbell. The most confusing part is you're just wearing, like, a fucking Mariner's cap and a Mariner's tee with a fucking hoodie. And just normal shorts and high heels he's like what the fuck is this guy but you have to make your route so you got to get there on time you can't be late

taking a picture like naturally you'd be like like you kind of like do a little squat that's what i'm saying it's not comfortable sexy the shoes you're not gonna fuck with the balance of the shoes they open the door before you get there and you're like oh yeah sorry just dropping this off like your voice are you watching the m's game in there looking at your shoes like what the fuck are you like what is happening would you naturally kind of act a little more feminine i feel like the little steps in the in the the balance probably kind of act a little more feminine i feel like the little steps in the in the the balance probably kind of makes you go that way i think if i was doing myself doing that i just have to lean into it and just and play the whole play the whole thing out yeah that's the only way because yeah just so i mean a huge inconvenience but also uh listening to you fucking read sucks. Yeah. Especially War and Peace.

So, I've provided a link in here that I was hoping that you would click on and see if you can give it a go. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Well, the text is kind of small. Let me zoom in here. Is it, though? Yeah. Well, okay. here we go okay

uh let me let me find it just starts with well prince what's that how it starts yeah well prince so genoa and luca are now just family estates of the buono portis buono portis okay but i warn you if you don't tell me that this means war if you still try to defend the infamies and horrors perpetrated by the Antichrist, I really believe he is an Antichrist. Can you imagine this right now, of you reading as being something you have to listen to for how long? long like is it okay so and i did a little research and i was like looking into how fast or how long it takes you to read this book if you really put in the time every day of reading it like and you're a phenomenal reader it's it's like a month month and a half how really but i you're you and i'm looking at if you if this was just your job and i had to listen to you do this i'm guessing maybe four months of this of this like and i'm not sure if that i would ever recover all the all the little uh mistakes and like fuck and where where where was i reading yeah

imagine any imagine any audiobook where someone's like uh this means war if you still try to defend the image wait still okay where was i trying to defend okay now i want you to skip to another paragraph i'm gonna give you a little bit a little. First of all, dear friend, tell me how you are. Set your friend's mind at rest, said he without altering his tone beneath the politeness and affected sympathy of which indifference and even irony could be discerned. Can one be well while suffering morally can one be calm in times like these if if one has any feeling said this is torture for myself i would i wouldn't want to listen to this no who wrote this book uh mr warren peace warren g nice all right so i mean just based off that sample i'm going with

wear high heels 24 7 every day for a year fuck i mean i love you you know that yeah to death i mean i would i would pick it high heels i wouldn't want to listen to that i mean you'd pick high heels just because you don't want to read i'm self-aware yeah i'm self-aware well you know what's what's funny um i always get myself into weird predicaments so i was getting coffee the other day and this gal was she was you know chatting up like the coffee girls do and she said something about reading and i was like well i know i said something i was like i was like i didn't read it was like, well, I know, I said something about it. I was like, I was like, I didn't read, and I was like, I can read. And she's like, oh, yeah, sure you can.

Like, I really, I can. But it was just. If you have to say that. I know, but it was like, I said it out loud. I was like, no, I was like, I don't really like reading. I can read. I just, I'm like trying to, I'm trying to like explain myself. In the most like, like unimportant, minuscule situations, when you have to be like, I mean, I can.

I can read if I wanted to. That means you got to work on it. I just don't care to read. Listen, okay, as we celebrate the three year, and I brought this up to you because you were helping me set up the studio, and i laugh about it all the time one of my favorite things that you said in the last year of the podcast is you were you were going on a little bit of a ramp and you kind of paused and did that number you went and you came back with art is art and i don't know what to do about it that's one of the funniest things i've ever fucking heard in my life listen art is art and i don't know what to do about it. That's one of the funniest things I've ever fucking heard in my life.

Listen, art is art, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't. I really don't. Art is art, and I don't know what to do about it. That holds true, man. All these months later, still the same as it was when i said it no true words have ever been spoke yeah art is art and i don't know what to do about it yeah i'm taking the high heels just because i think i'd make i'd be fun i mean it's in the beginning it'd be like god this

is weird and then i would learn how to walk whoa these heels are wrong yeah to be like extra long but you'd be taller. You'd feel sexy. Give your butt and like your legs are a little tighter. Yeah, the little butt lift because you just got to work harder to walk. Because you have to because it's flexing. I mean, imagine walking, basically walking on your toes everywhere. Nope. I mean, I don't want to.

But I also don't want to listen to you read one piece. That's the option. Here we are. Zach, what are you picking? Oh, I'm definitely picking the stilettos okay okay clean sweep all right zach next thing let's go hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about what a terrible book have you read it no but you've read enough i read enough i've had enough i was reading genesis before we started and i uh i'm not sure which one's worse

gotcha uh okay so this is i mean this has been going on for a bit now, but anybody out there who is in a life where you have kids. I'm in a life. You in a life, Zach? I think so. What position did you play? Life. Is in a situation in your life where you've been married or not.

And you've had kids with somebody. And then that fucking falls apart. Sexual relationships. Yeah. And you had sex. And then a baby was made. And you had a baby. You guys took care of it or whatever the situation is.

But you're no longer together. But you guys still made this baby together. So then you move on with your life but the baby still exists so i guess we're gonna take care of this i in a lot of situations the both people that are involved in making the baby still like help take care of the baby it's not every situation but a lot of times that does happen yeah um so the situation I'm in, when I have two kids, and Cassie has a kid, and then other parent wants to be as happily involved, heavily involved, now you're in a situation where everybody sees each other a bunch, because you're all taking care of the kids.

Okay? So you're porking my ex-wife, huh? Yeah, you hear me. I got there first, you fucking So you're porking my ex-wife, huh? Yeah, you hear me. I got there first, you fucking bitch. You're giving it to her good, huh? You couldn't fuck it first, huh, bitch? Yeah. Plugging holes, huh?

I set the bar. Yeah, I set the bar. Now you're a bitch. You little bitch bar. Little bitch bar. Little bitch bar fucking holes, huh? All right. See you next week. All right bar fucking holes, huh? All right. See you next week.

All right, I got to run the safe way. Anyway. You couldn't stop off in your stilettos? I'm not a bitch. Who you calling bitch? Who you calling bitch? The guy in the fucking six-inch heels. As you madly stomp up the staircase?

I'm going to go watch the kids' concert the kids concert now your ankle rolls a little bit all right so uh and it's a great relationship it's it's fine i love him i love him to death uh so my so cassie's ex uh his name is brad and i mean we get along great we have since the very beginning uh but just being and i have no other way of explaining this by just saying have you met me right like there's no reason for me to do what i'm about to tell everyone i've just recently started doing besides have you met me yeah okay uh it's just the way that i interact uh comedy is my language and i just love to see what i can do especially in particular situations where like usually it could be a little awkward and i'm like how can i make

this worse see somebody squirm a little bit how can i make this worse yeah i know that feeling so i've recently started doing that it's probably been a couple months of this uh and there's probably been five or six different uh of uh instances of this particular situation and because of our different personalities uh i'm not going to go into that too much but what i'm doing is uh is extra funny to me so this happened probably three months ago uh we were doing like a kid exchange like we were dropping off bags and we had like a little conversation we were talking and then as brad was walking away for no reason and i couldn't stop it even if i wanted to you're like oh shit i was like this is gonna be great and i just said all right i love you and he looks at me and he just goes and walks off and i was like okay afterwards i was like

that was maybe like it's clear that we don't have the same brand of comedy we're not the same person and it doesn't make sense to do that and it makes it even worse that the first time i did it it was just him and i there's not even an audience nobody else no kids were around and i just said i love you i and then it moved on and blah blah blah and then the next time it happened it was like i think it was a softball game or a volleyball game i can't remember there's a good old talk and there's like a funny exchange. I did the same thing. I was like, all right, guys, drive safe.

I love you. Same thing. And then recently, just skipping ahead a few of the fucking love, because I'm not, the love is not reciprocated. It's not a two-way street. It's not, which makes it even better. Yeah. it's not a two-way street it's not which makes it even better yeah because like if he has ever had the fleeting thought of any fear or insecurity has crept into his brain where he's like i hope joe's not there because he's gonna say he loves me then i've won like i'm winning the game if he's

thinking about it at all because i don't actually love him yeah i mean i respect him i'm here for you i will support each other but i don't love you yeah okay so jokes on him if he's actually scared about it uh the one that really ramped it up is we were going to an orthodontist appointment and and uh he showed up and i didn't know he was coming and i there's reason i didn't i'll get there in a second. And he walked up. And I was like, oh. I was like, oh, man.

I was like, now they're going to think that we're partners. I was like, now they're going to think this is like a weird polygamy thing. And he goes. And then he hands the bags and puts them in the car. It turns out he was just dropping off Paige's bags, not actually coming to the appointment. And he's walking away. I go, I love you. You guys in a spout? and it just gets better and better and then recently he did the same thing and now i shouted it i can't stop from the staircase of the new house like i'm a couple steps up and he's getting his truck and i go brad i was like thank you love you he goes and he gets in his truck and i don't know when to shut it

off because the idea yeah that you had a baby with this woman yeah and now you have this goofy ass motherfucker that's now in it helping raise your child who won't stop saying he loves you how do i stop you don't even if he sees me right now wearing a single costume like it's just love you brad i love you baby yeah you want to look deep in the camera ah yeah say some words to him i love you i mean it's always flipping it's friendly it's like i'm painting them down and being like listen don't tell anybody i love you yeah i mean but i'm a little scared that's where it's going i want so how how awkward do i make it you're right

this hood is fucking hot yeah okay i'm gonna take my i'm getting sweaty i had to uh i think the the next creepy step is because right now it's happening as you guys are walking away. It's kind of like, see ya, love you. It's kind of like in passing. But it's got to be like when he comes in and like hands you the bag and be like, thanks. And then you're. Grab his hand a little tight. Yeah, and look into his eyes.

I love you. I love you. He's like, no. Say it back. I love you. I've said it over. We get in a I love you. I've said it over. We get in a fight. Yeah.

I've said it seven or eight times. I'm not ready to say it. Why not? It's been three fucking years, Brad. I'm just not ready. How many people has he told? He's like, yeah, this dude Joe that's with my ex-wife. He tells me he loves me every time he leaves.

There's no way he would tell anybody. Like, it's just that's with my ex-wife, he tells me he loves me every time he leaves. There's no way he would tell anybody. Like, it's just that's the personality. That's the personality, yeah. There's no way. He wouldn't want anybody to know that that's... That I love him. That we're lovers. He must be homophobic.

He's not. That's not what I'm saying. He just doesn't want to get involved. Right. But anyway, does anybody else do this this is there a support group for this telling your your your girlfriend's ex-husband that you love them just because you know it makes uncomfortable is there a support group is there a 1-800 number i could call because i don't know where to go i can't just stop doing it you

could but nope where's the fun in that you're not me because what if what if you go you're you're talking to him and you say see you brad and you don't say it he's gonna be like wonder why he didn't say i love you maybe that's maybe that's the next step is it me yeah maybe he maybe that's the next step is the scene if he's like i mean if he's waiting for it all right i already don't say it every time oh you gotta do it every time no no i mean no maybe that's even weirder because it's like oh he really he really does and that's why he won't say it back i'm not consistent enough yeah it's too peppered in yeah you gotta be consistent joe you can't love me you can't love me some weeks yeah you can't love me sometimes you gotta love me all the time you only love me when i'm bringing bags right you know if

you don't love me at my best or my worst or you don't love me when i'm bringing bags you don't deserve to love me an orthodontist appointment oh come on don't say that it's fucking with me joe that's it just wanted to share that i think that's hilarious it's great and i wish you guys could see it like you get the you get the perfect reaction like film it next time it's even worse all right i'll see you later love you let Brett. He turns and I'm filming. I'm filming him walk away. I'm not above it. Yeah. It's just that perfect little side eye. Yeah.

Like acknowledgement. Acknowledgment. Lean. Oh, man. It's so good. And I don't know. I might be addicted. That's okay. I think if you're going to be addicted, you got to do it every time.

Okay. I'll think about it. Well, give it some thought. It's not ready for that kind of commitment. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go that hard in, but we'll see. All right, you guys want to move on to some dick? Yeah, brother. All right, dick stuff!

Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick. Brian! That's you, buddy. Oh, oh, my cue.

Both you and I have worked in, like, the news industry. Radio and TV broadcasting. Radio, yeah. What position did you play? I played radio, you played... TV, and I played one on tv real grandson so we know how this particular situation played out but that's not the point of what i'm getting at it's the point of what they didn't show and the dedication of this news anchor in this world in the news world because they pretend like it's so goddamn important right and because they can fire you at any moment and news anchors come in and out like they swap

them all the goddamn time it's very uh unusual i don't understand what you're talking about joe in the tv world i mean what would you say is it like would you say three years is about normal before they skip the fuck out of spokane probably go into a bigger market what position did you play and this lady her dedication to the craft is what i wanted to pay attention to here. So, pregnant news anchor stays on air during labor. And says, if I disappear, that's what's going on.

If I disappear, that's what's going on. Because, you know. If I go to appear, that's what's going on. We've been down here for three weeks, Debra. What have you been doing? I've been in labor.

How do you talk normally? I don't know. I just talk up here because that's what all the other news anchors do. As you can see behind me. Behind me. And the male ones are like, as you can see behind her. I can see behind her. I can see behind her. I can see behind her. I can see behind her.

You can see behind me. And the sports guys are like, yeah, I see behind you too. Speaking of behind her, Mariners baseball! We got a high pressure situation coming into my dick area, Jen. So we're going to Albany, New York. Local news. That's the capital. Yeah.

Olivia Janquief. Janquief? Went ahead with a three-hour morning newscast even after her labor contractions began and her water broke. That's the sound of rainfall. Keeping viewers updated about the coming birth of her first baby. Okay. viewers updated about the coming birth of her first baby okay that there are levels to like narcissism and and just pure okay like look at me self-importance yeah okay like just go but just go i know but that's one side of it right like you could do that other side is this industry is so fucking cutthroat

i get it that if you take off the middle of it you might never have a job again that's it okay now deborah's so if you yeah so if you stick it out then the news station is going to get negative ratings for not bringing back the live baby morning show birth lady right so you stick it out you hang out you give updates then you probably get a job when you come back oh god yeah yeah it was great weekend for sport oh god uh here's a great co-anchor line uh we do have some breaking news this morning literally her water because of breaking water olivia's water has broke and she is anchoring the news now in active labor early labor early labor replied olivia she kept doing it recording on facebook live i'm happy to be here and i'll stay on the desk as long as i possibly can but if if I disappear, that's what's going on.

Okay. So all of this, there's a couple, you guys have both, we've all, you know, pointed out the two different sides, attention seeking, right? But when it comes to labor, I feel like you don't want fucking cameras on you. Do you know anyone giving birth in the hospital that's like just make sure you document what's going on and the things i say and what's happening because i will never regret anything that's going on i think now yes with with the tiktok era and how everyone wants everything blogged or vlogged i I absolutely think that that's fair.

I didn't even think of that. Yeah. Call me old school. This might not even be the first time this has ever happened. Oh, I bet you it's not. The news director could have been like, you know, if we had her go into labor, this would be a big news story. We'd be the first on the scene but then i picture like

you know watching a live birth and all the things that go with that in the middle of weather there is a lot going on but picture let's just go to the to the farthest extreme we can olivia legs up on the news desk reading some really devastating like like mass school shooting news crowning and you can watch it and there's a little thumbnail in the corner of kids crying and then she running running with their hands up their hands up the fbi and like it's a whole gunfight but in the bottom right there's a head with a little bit of hair pushing through a vagina which one are you going to watch? I mean

If you've never seen a vagina before You're probably tuning in to that That's a tough sell It's not the vagina you're used to You know when you're 13 You're at the library And you're looking at the National Geographic book It's like, they're tits.

Okay. You know what I mean? Like, you just want to see something naked. Right. But, like, think about just, I mean, people at their worst part of their life. If you just meet them there, then that's not a good way to do it. So, you're telling me you've never watched... I'm talking about vaginas.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is you've never watched a movie where... Let's say the girl's getting sexually assaulted, and it's a violent scene, but you're like, whoa, is that a nip? No. What position did you play is there anything else you want to no i'm just i'm just posing a question is there anything else you're telling me you're 13 years old and you're like oh my god was that a nip i mean position did you play i guess i'm the only one

you're right i guess i'm the only one i're right i guess i'm hanging out to drive there were like a bunch of chuck norris movies that were like that and i was like eight when my mom this is violent but that was a boob and i've never seen you're just you're just excited to see a boob absolutely just fucking with you i just saw the opportunity to hang you out there that was forever and i took it baby of course of course there's a titty flopping around it's all i'm saying i don't care what's going on that's right it's all i'm saying man director knew what he was doing it's the apocalypse there's a fucking titty it's like okay i saw it and that was nice And that was nice. You guys saw that, right? You guys saw that, right? Yeah.

It was a nuclear bomb. It was a fucking titty. Yeah, but there's all this shit going on. And she's just trying her best, like, in between contractions to deliver the news. You're just sitting there on your couch in the morning. With your coffee. Folding laundry. Coffee.

Folding laundry. Coffee, folding laundry, like, just eating some fucking cereal and just like, watching this chick. She's like, Russia! Should have got that fucking shot. Yeah. Is it too late for the epidural? And you're just like. She's really doing it Kids running into the arms of their police officers

Oh yeah And the others Don't forget that Don't forget that That's all happening in the other Yeah and you're watching this And you're like Okay hey

Ralphie grab your shoes And you're just watching Some chick with her legs up on a news desk Pushing a baby out And then the baby comes out And the sports guy's like Oh get He's waiting They cut through He's got a catcher's mitt.

He's punching it. And then he walks into frame laughing and catches. And then the weather guy comes over with an umbrella. I hear a water breaking over here. He's got like a slicker on he comes over being funny with an umbrella slips on the water on the floor

fucking flatbacks himself as the sports guys catching a baby with a catcher's mitt and we're back at five you're getting the localmy for sure oh my god i think it's cuts the commercial and it's just a commercial for an rv show zack's plan i mean it's so funny because having it's one thing to just watch the news but when you've worked at local news too and you're just around every day and you know the stress too like it's

wild yes it's crazy but the idea it's it's always the fucking sports guy coming in with a little comic relief like one of my one of my really good friends was the sports guy and he just like that was him he'd they'd scoot him in he'd be like all right what do we got he's like he'd come in with some joke or whatever you know sports guy who was it can't say his name was he on public tv keith yes fucking that's the guy why can't you say his name i don't know his job was literally on a publicly broadcast national television show and you're trying to give a man a name. Yeah. I can't say his name. That was his job.

Yeah, I love Keith. But I could picture him with the catcher's mitt. Yeah. Sure could. Where'd Keith go? Bigger, better things? Bigger, better things, yeah. Anyway, that whole situation. You read the next news story, and then we'll move off to our next segment.

But I guess know how much you love airplanes. Because I want to talk more about this shit, because I know it's going to fucking piss you off. Oh, damn it. Oh, shit. All right. Low-cost airlines to launch standing-only seats in 2026. Because we don't have enough seats already on a fucking airplane.

We gotta squeeze a couple more rows in. Standing only? Like a fucking cargo plane? You know, it's like the fucking the round, the carnival ride. The roundup. And the super roundup.

Don't forget that, it's bigger it is bigger and it leans further a little bit it's a little bit bigger does it make it super i don't know you tell me i don't know you do the judge i don't know what you like if you ever grumbled about high or sky hair sky what position did you play fuck sky hair What position did you play? Fuck. Sky hair?

The fuck is a sky hair? So anyway, just a reminder. At 425, we're going to give Brian an eye exam. That's what I was thinking. You know what it is? Here's what I think it is. Here's what I think it is. I do a terrible job of getting this microphone out of my vision and i think i'm seeing double vision with the cords that's what's doing it that's probably it if you've ever grumbled about how does every

other radio show read sky sky high airfares get ready for a whole new level of frugality Plus a bit of legwork Oh Nice pun Nice work Get it According to Daily Mail A handful of Europe's low-cost airline plan Airlines plan from 2026 to swap out some economy seats

For Skyrider 2.0 A half-standing saddle-style perch that promises rock-bottom ticket prices. Sounds bonkers. You're not alone. Dude. Okay. Two things. Those, like, walking in the airplane, looking over, and you see some people.

There's fucking ten people on a roller coaster coaster and everyone else is on an airplane. So fucking stupid. It fucking kills me. Just stand in there. You can't reach it. The above harness. We just had to offer you something to drink. You can't drink it.

You can't reach it. Put your shoes in a cubby. Oh my god. So you have to remove your hat. So there's that part of walking into an airport or an airplane where everyone's sitting down you're looking for there's just people standing up strapped into a chair and then the name skyrider 2.0 implies there's a 1.0 i'm just gonna do a quick google search they're like this isn't gonna work this one needs a harness

like what was skyrider 2.0 it was like literally just like like an iron a vertical ironing board and they're like no even this is fucking too uncomfortable the weight will just push you back that's probably what they thought you slide up like the gravity hits your head on the overhead compartments when you level out the 30,000 feet or whatever, it slides back down. It slides back down and they give you water. And some pretzels before you go back up. Every time there's turbulence, you're like... They're like, this is ridiculous.

Alright, we need a 2.0. We need a 2.0. One that doesn't slide. We need a saddle in the middle. Just to make sure we squish their junk while they fucking stand on the airplane. They're going to have to do a little legwork, but I think they're going to be okay with it. Dude, and it says dirt prices. Like, bitch, pay me to get on this airplane.

I'm not paying shit to stand on a fucking airplane. Did you find anything for Skyr 2.0 uh no or the biggest advanced numbers to make it look more it was 1.0 but it was uh yeah nothing worth just worthwhile not the worst flying home about uh so do you want to know uh let's see what do we want to talk about here? What does it look like? Imagine balancing on a paddle bicycle saddle, padded bicycle saddle, only this one is strapped to the cabin floor and ceiling, and you're cruising at 35,000 feet.

That's pretty much the gist of Skyrider 2.0, dreamed up by Italian outfit, Avoin... Who hates poor people. Avointeriors? Yeah. Avionteriors. Back in 2018. Here's the lowdown. Okay.

So, lean, not lounge. You'll rest about 45 degree angle, weight on your legs and core muscles. Think of it as a mini workout. That's one thing i want to do when i fly across the country is work out feather light build each per each purchase roughly half the weight of the of a regular seat cutting down on fuel burn belted in yes there's a seat belt no free falling mid turbulence so that was the 1.0 that was by shaving off bulk and tightened up space between

rows airlines reckon they can they reckon airlines reckon they can cram up cram in up to 20 more passengers and the hops lasting two hours or less okay so just for sure more money man just someone screaming like an international flight. 14 hours. My fucking legs! Shh! You did this to yourself! They're just yelling

at each other. God. Such a disaster. Legs going numb. Does this thing recline? No! SkyPoint 1.0 did slightly stand up um let's see what uh what's in it for them ultra low fares rumors suggest you could grab a one-way ticket for as

little as one to five pounds okay so it is low real Real low. Oh my God. Just picturing again, because you know, airplanes is this picture like a seven 37 and they're like, we can, we can get some poor motherfuckers to stand up in the back on some bicycle seated ironing boards. So let's slide, slide all the seats a little bit forward.

And then you're in the last actual seat and you just have someone standing over the top of you you look over your shoulder the guy's crying right there he's just standing there being like please let me sit the pencils look good this is a bad idea imagine like imagine like him but he's let's say he's in a good mood. He's just kind of sitting there. Hey, top of the day, dude. What are you reading?

He's like asking you questions about your book or your snacks or whatever. You shouldn't have texted that. Having someone staring over your shoulder. And they look back and they just have a fucking harness. Just staring at you in a business suit. You shouldn't have texted that oh yeah how's business going well i'm standing up behind you not great sweaty as fuck watching a movie oh my god you're reacting to the movie behind you you look over your shoulder he's just a suit guy shaking he's trembling and sweating i would be please don't turn it off it's all i've got i want my five dollars back

how much longer on the flight sorry to bother you you turn around he's fucking shaking and sweating you click on the in-flight navigation and see how much longer the flight is what you turn your hair and point it back here? Put your air back here. Sorry to be a bother, but it doesn't look like you're using the air conditioning. Can you push the little nozzle back here? We didn't get any. Because we paid four cents!

No, yeah. No drink, no snacks, none of that stuff. Good stuff. All of that stuff. Good stuff. All right. Anyway. I love the deal, but I'll pass on the leg day for 40,000 feet, someone said. Okay. Three pounds to Paris?

Tempting. If only I could recline. Yeah, then buy a chair. Yeah, but buy a normal seat. Or then buy a normal plane ticket. Pros and cons? Laid bare. What does that mean pro there's no pros pros cheapest flights in yonks perfect for quick city hop bragging rights i stood on a plane cons no lying back limited snoozing might feel like cattle herding if you're tall. Cons. Everything. Yeah.

Cons. The entire flight. The whole idea. That's wonderful. There's more, but that's all we need to talk about. Well, let's move off to confessions. Okay. Because we're doing a little bit of everything today. Zach, you ready for it?

Yeah. Let's hit it, baby! Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. Man, all that laughing. Maybe a sweaty seagull over here. Already sweaty.

Yep. So, I'll read our first confession. And let's just dive into it. You ready? Yep. It says, Hello to Joe, Brian, and Commie Uncle Zach. Hello. And it says, into it you ready yep says hello to joe bryan and call me uncle zach and he says joe get with

the program and spell your name weird like the rest of us come on anyway i just recently came across your podcast about eight months ago when i got out of rehab for the eighth time apparently i have a problem insert eye roll classic i i ran through the entire catalog you guys have kept company through many long hours in the kitchen three out of five stars wouldn't recommend but love your guys's work nonetheless i get it okay salutations check ask history check disproportionate amount of stars versus appreciation check. So now on to the confession. So I was 17 at the time and having running it in with a hooker. It's not a term that I am familiar with.

Running it in? Running it in with a hooker. It sounds like a fender bender. Yeah. But running it in with a hooker. He means having sex with her i get it now to be fair i never paid her so you're a thief at the time although a thief a pussy thief give that back just a little labia bandit yeah i did give her plenty of money later to take care

of a kid which turns out isn't mine sorry i'm getting sidetracked and that's a whole other story this is gonna be a while yeah so where was i oh yeah hooker 17 all that so there i was getting ready for a big weekend i was turning 18 that weekend eight ball of coke some weed and a couple bottles of tequila. Remember the part where I mentioned I might have a problem? So we get started early. Me and the hooker. We'll call her Liz. Just me and the hooker.

Great children's book. Just me and the hooker. Yeah. It's about fishing, but also a bunch of sex things in there. Let's call her Liz for convenience. Start drinking and smoking. So by about 10 or 11, we are wasted. I lived in an unfurnished second floor of the house.

Fuck. What? Gosh, life could just take some wild ups and downs, you know? How did I get here? I could buy a couch or a chair or an eight ball and a hooker yep both are gonna sit on my face couches i mean if i could sit on this couch or she can sit on my face i can't fucking couch or a chair so i know what i'm doing all right of a house that was overlooking a couple vacant lots so i have to piss and although i

really didn't want uh want to attempt to walk up the stairs i was tired of trying to piss over the little half wall mostly where's your bathroom mostly because i kept trying and only about a half of it over the wall successfully the last time so i do some coke i love how he had enough sense to be like this isn't working dude i try i've tried to piss over this wall last time. Can't clear it. So what I'm going to do is do some coke, hoping it would sober me up enough to get down the stairs in a controlled way. Take a piss and come back. I successfully managed the way down, but took way too long pissing on the fence and started to get way too drunk again.

Okay. I have some questions um how long were you pissing because the effects of cocaine are in a minute like you get a little more than a minute out of doing a little bit of coke and he's like i started getting too drunk again like there's a timer on, like, I don't know, whatever. If you've got a high tolerance of cocaine, half hour, hour, that you get, like, the buzz out of cocaine where it makes you feel like you're not that drunk again. So, is he pissing for a half hour? He probably. Or is his tolerance so high, you only get, like, you only get a down the stairs trip. And then halfway through pissing, you're like, fuck, didn't do enough.

That would be a problem. It's either that or, yeah, he sought a lot less time pass than actually did. Yeah. So I yell at Liz to come down and help me out. She comes and starts to lead me back up the stairs. So I'm starting to get horny from the combination of drugs and staring at her ass as we climb the stairs. God, isn't that the truth if you watch i mean we're climbing stairs and like i'm behind cassie and i love her just immediately i'm like

i'm fucking you know what i'm gonna do i'm fucking calm you want me to come in and i get inside and i and then she's like anyway so what we have to figure out the funeral arrangements i'm like i forgot about that I forgot about that. I forgot about that. I was just thinking about fucking coming on it. You want fucking coming in it? It's funny. Can we put off the-

I was thinking about coming in it. Can we put off dental insurance and talk more about me coming in it? I know you wanted to go do that other thing, but I was thinking about coming in it. Oh, there's a choir concert? Well, how about instead of that, I fucking come in you? How about we just stay here and not come in in it? God, guys are stupid. Anyway, looking at our ass as we climb the stairs.

You can't help it. We can't. By the time we make it all the way up, I'm only thinking about one thing. And then I feel a strange pressure in the back of my shorts. By this time, we're at the landing at the top of the stairs and she's turning

to look at me as I reach back and feel around to see what's going on back there. Just how drunk this guy is. What's going on? No, but how drunk that search must have been like what's in the bag like just jerky moment like the movements are all like i'm gonna see what's in my britches something's in there i don't like it my hand finds this cylindrical object about the size of a toilet paper cardboard cardboard roll how funny would it be if that was it yep uh spoiler

guys check the cardboard roll in my butt while i was going down the peat and i knew i needed toilet paper later so i pull it out and look at it and surprise surprise it's a turd so i whip it a fucking surprise oh always something so i whip it over the wall into the vacant lot next door i thought i was quick but liz well he wrote seen me throw it yeah that's not yeah i was quick but liz saw me throw something and she asked what was that what was that i tried to respond casually and just managed don't worry about it don't worry about it you don't even need to know about it Listen you've said enough So there I am

Just shit myself and chucked a turd But while I'm still horny So I proceed to talk her into having sex With me again All while trying to casually wipe my hand on the wall Fuck He's just like You like me when I come in in there Fuck! He's just like, you like me when I come in in it?

You like it when I'm coming in it while I finger paint? It's you, Liz. See, I made your name and your heart. Writing Liz and shit on the wall. He just draws a heart and Liz and shit. And runs out of poop, so he sticks his hand back in his pants. Need to touch it up. Touch it up. Boop.

Love you. I talk to her and it's sucking me off. And realize that she for sure can still smell the remnants of what had just happened. And mind you, she's also super faded. So I proceed to push her head down. And the combination of the smell and sucking dick caused her to puke on me in our bed. Oh, yeah. Are they even in a bed at this point?

Like, where are they? I mean. I'm so lost. In a situation, and I'm not trying to be mean. In a situation where a hooker, if they're at the hooker, if she has more furniture than you do, you got to turn your life around. She has a bed, and you are going to her house because she has a bed. Okay. But mama didn't raise no quitter.

So we finished doing it and wind up passing out curled up together and shit in a puke covered bed. All in all the best birthday ever. Ever. There's my story. Hopefully you found this as funny as I still do. Top that. If this makes it on the show, shout out to all the people who have recovered from addiction and are still in the throes of It we all have felt the effects of it on us or the people around us today

I have little over a year and a half sober way to go and though I stumble through life like an idiot I still have one less thing to worry about I love you guys, and I'm grateful for all you do I would like to change this to I love you guys, and I'm grateful for all you do. I would like to change this to congrats. Instead of smarty pants, congrats shitty pants. Congrats shitty pants. This is for you. It's dedicated to you.

Jeez Louise. That was fun. That's a wild ride. That was. All right. You want to read just one more? I'm sure. This last little confession here.

Well, that's not a little one. Talking about, I don't know. Alright, so back in high school, it was like most high school, other schools, I'm sure. There were Clicks, Jocks, Hicks, Goths, et cetera, et cetera. Well, two buddies and I were part of the Hicks.

We grew up on farms, chasing cows, riding tractor. The football coach talked to us and joined the football team. It didn't turn out well. We grew up on farms chasing cows, riding tractor. Woo-hoo! What? Woo-hoo! The football coach talked to us and joined the football team. It didn't turn out well. While on the football team, we were kind of outcasts. We were the big, dumb hicks. Dude, those are the linemen in a lot of teams.

You need those linemen. Yep. Underappreciated. Yep, I get it. That's what she was. But the quarterback's girlfriend seen something she lacked. Okay. She broke up with him and started dating me.

Probably that big old fucking cowboy dick ears. Yep. I thought you were going to say cowboy hat, but... Oh, it could have been. Well. That turned the entire team

against me, her, and my two buddies. Makes sense. So one night we were at a bonfire and the rest of the football team showed up ready to fight. That's exactly what happened. There were about ten of us hicks and we sent them back to town with their tails tucked between their legs. I tell you what.

Following Monday, me and my two buddies were on the team, get called to the coach's office, and were informed that we were no longer part of the team. Oh. They don't condone violence blah blah blah. Well why does football

Yeah we don't condone violence because go out and crack each other's heads. It's either kick them off or lose your quarterback so Yeah. Small town stuff. Yeah.

Coach isn't going to lose the quarterback. That's right. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Yeah. Let's go.

Let's go. There's only so many of them. You know what move that's from? Let's go. Let's go. Varsity. Yeah's go. Let's go. Yep. Let's go. Let's go. There's only so many of them. You know what movie that's from? Let's go. Let's go. Varsity Blues. Let's go. Yep.

Jon Voight. Yep. Yep. Damn. We were pissed. We didn't start the fight. We just finished it. Mm-hmm.

Ding. So we began to try and think of ways to get payback. Here comes a confession. Another buddy of ours' dad had recently passed away. And we killed him. So we went home and killed him. Again. The end.

While throwing some old prescriptions, my buddy found a prescription of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. And he kept it and thought we had fun to try one night. Well, instead, we crushed it up in about 20 of them, little blue pills, and then homecoming Friday during wood shop, I snuck into the football locker room and dumped the Viagra powder and the Gatorade mix. Later that night, we were watching the football game and halftime approaches, and we start seeing a few of the boys on the team start rearranging themselves on the field. A few minutes later, you start seeing the other boys doing the same they all start looking at each other and

talking assuming they're trying to figure out why they all have boners hey man you got a stiffy so listen i'm trying to run the player calm but i got this fucking boner hit me in the dick just hit me in the dick. Just hit me in the dick, brother. See what happens. In the middle of the game. We even got the coaches. The rest of the game, the coaches stood in one spot on the sidelines with their clipboards over their crotch, hiding what we had done. To my knowledge, nothing was ever figured out, but the Hicks sure got a good laugh out of it.

Great show, guys. Enjoy the content. Sorry for the long email. Just had to give some backstory before I confessed. That's a good laugh out of it great show guys enjoy the content sorry for the long email just had to give some backstory before i confessed that's a good one awesome i feel like i either like read this or saw this like it sounds like a like an early 2000s teen movie it does what do you recall this uh well no revenge of the nerds they put that the chemical in their jock straps well maybe they got influenced by something that we all saw. But I think the boner thing did happen in a movie.

I'd be funny if the confession was just... Just a plot of Star Wars? Just a plot of a movie, yeah. So my dad turned bad. Yeah. And he was fighting for the wrong side for all these years. And then I fucking... His name, I'll keep it... We'll call him daddy garth bader call him call garth bader

i just can make sure we keep anonymous yeah and my name was duke uh sister fucking maya uh all right well we have one more confession i'll just rip through it really quick here it I had a sister, fucking Maya. All right, well, we have one more confession. I'll just rip through it really quick here. It says, hey, big daddies, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I was a late bloomer when it comes to learning about sex. I knew boys have a ding dong and girls have boobs and bleed every month. So when things got hot and heavy with my first boyfriend, I was very unaware of the basic biology.

I was like 14, dating a much older boy. Parents, what the fuck? One time he spent the night and my parents said he could sleep on the couch. Being the teenager that I was, I snuck out to the couch one night. I ended up touching his ween a lot. He liked it a lot. Yeah. When he came, me, not knowing anything about dick, screamed, what the fuck is that?

What the fuck just happened? And he replied, it's come. And was like oh my god ew he's like dude what are you talking about it's crazy to think that's the goal what are you fucking so weird about the whole thing so that's why i'm here dude knock it off it's crazy to think that's how i learned about semen even crazier that i used to be so grossed out by it when now 28 years old i am very not grossed out by it, when now, 28 years old, I am very not grossed out by it. I feel kind of bad for the dude, for my reaction, but honestly, he had a good time regardless.

Hope you find this as funny as I still do. She's like, not only am I not grossed out, but I fucking love it. I fucking love it. I can't get enough of that. All right, let's get into our petty beef.

Zachy Poe! Silence in the court. You are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef yeah all right this son of sending Get the fuck off me. Balloon? Sent in by our son, Corey. With a K. K?

Huh. This weekend, I needed a shitload of pavers and bricks to complete a backyard home project. I went to the local Menards and loaded up a shopping cart with pavers. And as I was pushing the the cart something went awry evidently the carts are not meant to support that much weight the frame broke or sorry yeah entire half of the sentence yeah it didn't break it bent forward but i just pictured it breaking yeah where did the frame of the cart bent forward and then you just took that you looked at and you went broke yeah sometimes my when you're teaching my kid how to read say he'll do the same thing like he's reading a part and yeah my wife does most of the work uh now i can read kid books just fine

you're reading you're like what's, what's this? She goes, the. Te-he. I actually rap kids' books. That's what I do with them. No, but he'll be reading and then he'll just like, he doesn't know the word. So then he'll see the picture and then just. Get a little context clue. He'll like just say the word based on the picture. I'm like, you just looked at.

You can't just do that. You can't. It's not even close to the word, dude. No, I know. There's a picture of a penguin, but that is ice. The word is ice. It's going to work for you now, but wait till you're a grown man. Wait till everyone else cares.

And everyone's listening to you read. On a podcast. It makes fun of you not to talk for it. It goes out to thousands of people. And all your closest friends make fun of you every time you show up. Every time I read, everyone just stares at me while I'm reading. Knowing I'm going gonna fuck up and it's just a matter of time before it happens imagine that imagine that all right good night go to sleep all right good night love you remember it could be worse i left the cart where it was and

ordered the bricks from to for pickup instead am i the asshole that's a good one that's a good one and the first thing panic mode yeah the first thing that popped into my head was just like this justification. And there's a weird rule that the rules change depending on the size of the store. Okay. Right. If you're in Home Depot versus. A big ass box store versus like a local store. Don't the rules kind of.

Sure. Can't you push them around a little bit? A little malleable? Yeah. I mean, it's usually like it's Bill down the street that owns a hardware store. It's the name of it's Bill's Hardware. It is. It's Bill's Hardware.

And when you get there, Bill's there. If you spill a bunch of bricks in Bill's Hardware, Bill has to take his old ass over there and pick up all the bricks. Right. But if you do that at home Depot, some chat, some kid, 18 year old kid named Chad's going to go over there and he's paid by the hour.

So he doesn't give a shit. No, he's just there to do that exact thing. But, uh, like the situation of like putting stuff back in the right place. So I've always done that. Yeah.

And I, I know plenty of people where they pick something up they walk around with it then they just grab it and they just put it back on the closest shelf it's like a it's like a car seat and they're like we don't need this car seat this car seat was just put with the peanuts or like a refrigerated item in like the cookie section like that's see that's crazy i've never done that but like if you pick up a fucking psychopath like you pick up a chips and then you go over and then there's like a chip that you feel is better a better deal and it's equivalent enough and you just put the chip bag back over there like that doesn't fly everywhere like i'll let you get away

with that shit in walmart but, like, a Safeway. Or whatever. Whatever you got that's, like, a big supermarket. Like, I still think it's a little bit fucked up that you just, like, you changed your mind. And somebody else has to walk around and hunt down your fucking bullshit. Isn't that the equivalent of someone not taking their fucking cart back? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but that's a whole different thing. But that's probably the same kind yeah but that's that's a that's a whole different that's probably the same kind of person that's doing that that's what i'm saying yeah yeah probably and there's like but like the the the cart rule that i know that we've talked about before is like if you're dealing with a bunch of shit like i i have admitted to leaving the cart not in the best spot because the kids are fucking fighting in the car and i can't just walk away for 45 seconds and leave them punching each other i can you can or i'll put the fucking cart in a safe place and then make sure i take care but i've always a cart putter backer it has to be an emergency situation um shout out to carton arcs but like it feels like walmart it's like

you walk you're like oh shit like what's going on like over here in the clothes you just fucking clothes hangers hanging on the and on the ground oh and they're sideways what the fuck what are you guys doing people are just it's like they're just slapping clothes out of the way to look and they're don't like it there there are they pick up 10 of them and go not my size and just throw it on the ground. Don't even like it. They pick up 10 of them and go, not my size, and just throw it at the rack. They do. Like they're fucking animals.

They do. Right. And it's acceptable in some way in a Walmart. Yeah. Why? Because it's Walmart? Probably because the class of people

that are shopping there, there's like, you know, there are different classes of people. Yeah, I get it. And there are, and the stores reflect. Just to be clear, I will still shop at a Walmart if there's something I know there are different classes of people yeah i get it and there are in the stores reflect just to be clear i will still shop at a walmart if there's something i need from a walmart yeah i don't like going to walmart but i'll if if i need some at walmart but it's it's definitely like a uh the and i've used class probably not correctly it's like the

the mentality of the person shopping there the higher up you go you are who you surround yourself with yeah but it almost resets again when you get to like let's say like really rich people The mentality of the person shopping there. The higher up you go. You are who you surround yourself with. Yeah. But it almost resets again when you get to, let's say, really rich people who are shopping at a place and they're like, Ew, I don't like it. Or it's like, I'll throw it away because they're better than everyone. So you kind of get this weird person that's like, I don't give a shit. I'm not thinking about anybody else. I'm just going to throw it on the ground at a walmart and then you get the same person at the other end of the spectrum who's just like i

don't give a shit about people fucking throw it on the ground and then you have like the target people who are targets are usually pretty you know even targets they have their moments they do but it's a little bit it's a little better than walmart i'm not i i'm not exactly sure what i would do in cory's situation like the cart just collapse and you're just like i'm not doing this and you just go order it for pickup i think it would depend on if you were with somebody too like my some sometimes the way that i do things is if i like if you and i did it if we were together versus if i was by myself i would be a little bit more timid and panicky and i might just want to get the hell out of there i don't know i mean you

didn't break it obviously the the bricks broke it like everyone's going to understand that might be a little bit of like a human condition thing like you don't feel like dealing with it you don't feel like walking in there and being like hey i had all these bricks and the fucking cart broke. So that's out there. So you're going to pick this up. I'm going to go order online. So you hire whoever you guys, the lowest totem pole person, get them out there. And then I'm just going to pull up my truck and do it the way I should have done it.

Yeah. Because this is a disaster. I don't fault. I don't fault Corey. I don't know what a what a menards is herman it's a in the south right it's like a i'm guessing kind of a home depot situation the only way i knew what it was is because that was one of the sponsors of a nascar driver oh shit he drove that menards car fucking yeah number seven i get it that's what yeah i would think about that every time i heard it uh at cory i don't think you're an asshole in a shopping experience if the equipment you're

provided fails you for what the product you're trying to get like if you brought your own cart in some fantasy world where like you parked and then out of the back of your fucking f-250 got a shopping cart out loaded up and then that broke and you're like ah fuck it like but if it's their equipment their equipment failed it's kind of their problem you know what's funny about that is you go into like a trader joe's and you bring in your own bag they almost they almost look down on you if you don't bring your own bag like fuck you you pretentious asshole uh but you don't bring but so like what if it was like that where you go to like a hardware shop and like people are pulling carts out of their other trucks right

exactly and you're like that one's not gonna work bring your own cart how about bankruptcy no one's coming to shop there literally if you're like safeway was like i have bring your own cart i was like how about find a new store good luck i'm not fucking doing this yeah i don't know let's if think of yourself in the store if you were if you're looking for drills you're like on the right looking for drills and some guy this happens and he just walks away like what would your what would your thought in that moment be like what the fuck why you this guy's just leaving he just dropped all of his shit and he just fucking left i think if the cart broke i would just be like ah it's the cart's fault like what are you supposed to fucking

do well you could tell somebody yeah go in and tell somebody which cory you could have done that yeah but you didn't yeah there is that my personality i probably would have told told me and then help them pick up oh okay no because i'm better than you that makes sense all right uh zach do you have any insight on this not really all right cory well i think think that if it's their shit and their shit breaks while you're trying to buy their product, then it's free game. You should just take the damn cart home, probably. Yeah, it's free game. Steal it at that point.

And a free cart. Brian thinks you're a piece of shit. All right, let's move off to some lap time. Are you ready, Zach? No. Oh. Tell me when you go. There it is.

Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. It's gotten hot in these little costumes, hasn't it? Hot in these rhinos.

Very hot. What are we doing for lap time? We are doing some brainy meats Okay But it's from the AI universe Oh And so the idea is The last year has been a very heavy AI year

Yeah, it's fascinated the human race, hasn't it? Hey, I like this idea All the songs Oh, yeah And so I thought, you know, what we're trying to do with lap time Is bring some insight, some stuff that you might not have heard, help your life. And I asked the AI, what are some of the quotes from human beings that are wise that would help make us a little better and have our lives be a little better? Okay.

That was the premise of this. And it picked some really good ones. We do Brainy Meats on the Just a Ride podcast all the time, and a lot of these have showed up there, but this is kind of fun. Okay. So I just am curious. A lot of times on Just a Ride, it it's like i'll read the quote and then we just kind of sit there go oh yeah i'm smart so it might be a lot of that but okay here's one from socrates the unexamined life is not worth living yeah so meaning you know urging critical thinking basically over blind acceptance yeah i think that's very true so crates was a smart guy that's so crates god so crates uh he also said the only thing i know is that i know nothing which is interesting yeah i think that the the older i that i get the more you realize how much you don't fucking have any idea what you're talking about. But if the things that you do understand and they give you any sort of happiness, then

that's a win. Yeah. It's the value of questioning over assuming knowledge for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Here's, I like a lot of these. These are fun. This one comes from Aristotle.otle so we're going way back ai is way about the classics says we are what we repeat repeatedly do excellence then is not an act but a habit i really like that one because you don't just fall into things you you work hard and sometimes chance favors that you know preparation oh that quote sounded like something that tiger woods would say right it's probably on this wall in his house. Yeah, probably. When he was a little tigger. So it's basically consistent actions, emphasizing discipline and achieving virtue.

So this is fun to see. It's weird that people from that old thought that way. Yeah, a lot of wisdom has been forgotten in a lot of sense. And people had a lot of time to think about how to figure out life and so they didn't have tv to distract them yeah for a podcast you have trailer park boys more time to actually sit there and think about things yeah if you sit there all day and think you're like hmm that's a good thought fuck i wonder if this is fucking me up my brain And not watch people smash their nuts on a handrail. And be like, oh, wow.

It might have degraded the human IQ a little bit. Who knows? Just like this podcast. Indeed. This is from Frederick Nietzsche. And it says, he who has a why can bear almost any how. Brian with a why. So, he who has a why to live can bear almost any how. Well, Brian has a why and he can't read.

Yeah. Fair enough. How do I read? But I love this. If you have a purpose in life, it makes life easier because you can get through most things. So it's about resilience, right? I think that's probably why people off themselves, they feel like they don't have a purpose. Yeah.

Why am I here? I don't want to be around. If I don't want to be around anymore, no one else wants me around anymore. I might as well not be around anymore. Yep. So I get that. We're still in the classics. We got Plato.

The life of a man is of no greater duration than the breath of his nostrils. Speaking of, I love the smell of Plato. Plato? Smell of Plato? Yeah. And the taste. The smell. Do you ever eat some glue and Platooh? Smell of Play-Doh? Yeah. And the taste. The smell. Do you ever eat some glue and Play-Doh together?

Like a little sandwich of deliciousness. Was that early meth? For kindergartners? I think so. That quote doesn't make any sense. Say it again. Okay. The life of a man is of no greater duration than the breath of his nostrils.

So, duh? You can't live without breathing it's basically focus on what truly matters and it's it's about life is very short maybe i'm just too dumb to get that one well ai thinks it's really good it's funny because though it's like it's it's someone just said like dude you can't live without water. And then they're like, the flow is of the, you know, it's like, it's coming up with a like a. The molecules of the water. Of the tongue.

Is nothing without the consumption of it. Yeah. It's like. So I just drink water. I can't live without drinking water. Fuck. Why do you say it so weird? That sounds wise, but are you high, Plato?

It just sounds like. Are you fucking nerd? They just spoke so much cooler back then is really what it comes down to, I think. And I believe. That's all. all yeah thus cometh the yeah if you do not breathe through your nostrils you will perish you will die you will die oh the way he said it sounded really cool yeah it's just good bedside manner is all it was basically this is another classic greek philosopher heraclitus heraclit? I don't even know his name. Harry Clitus?

Harry Clitus. I can't wait to hear what he has to say. But you've probably heard a version of this. Rub me counterclockwise and bring forth the water. If you do not sip from the cave you will perish fuck you harry clintus well harry clintus i'm trying i can't find it you cannot rub what you cannot find

now i can't see all right you probably heard version of this, but no man ever steps in the same river twice. Meaning that life changes so fast that both the river and the person evolve. That's true. So, yeah. So, everything's changing. So, calm the fuck down, I guess. I like this one. This comes from Dostoevsky.

It says, the greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness. Ponder that. That's true. All right, we'll fuck off. What do I like to not have happen? Light without darkness without light is just darkness. I like this one, too. Harry Clittis.

We've got to have a Harry Clittis shirt at some point. All right, this one is from Albert Camus, a French philosopher. Easy for you to say. Philosopher. Philosopher. Thank you, philosopher. Listen, I've been out all night, philosopher. I'm a philosopher.

That's a philosopher. No, I've only had two drinks, philosopher. Have you seen anybody seen Harry Cletus? Harry Cletus, he was in the back seat and he rubbed him oh god he's a genie harry clintus is a genie this one this one i think a lot of people listening might might relate to the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion yeah i like that that's a good one it's a tough it's a tough world to live in yeah but i get it i like it i like the inspiration

he's basically defiant individuality in an absurd world yeah yeah uh let's see there's a few more here the mind is everything what you think you become that comes from buddha from the bodhisattva think good be good a lot of these are about the mind like yeah you kind of choose the filter that you see the world through and it kind of says a little bit about you yeah uh let's see a few more the function of i don't like that one let's see was it harry clintus it was harry clintus again the function of the bump is to come water forth you must flicketh the bean you must flicketh the bean

to get the squeam Heraclitus if you flicketh the bean you'll get the squeam that's the shirt Herodotus that's the shirt isn't that Herodotus

Herodocleth I have no shirt. Isn't that Herodotus? Herodoclith? I have no idea, dude. There's so many of those. Odysseuses and Maximuses. Odysseus. Yeah. Epictetus.

He had nothing cool to say. He was an assassin. Cretus. I've looked into it. Assassin is Cretus. He was an assassin. It's Cretus. He helped me. All right.

This comes from a French author that I'm going to butcher the name, but it's Andre Guidet. Okay. And he says, one does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore. Okay. Don't be a bitch. Go adventure. Be a bitch at your own risk. Go float.

Yeah. Risk-taking for growth and discovery, says the AI about it. Just get out of here. All right. Makes sense. Another one. Search the clitoris without the hesitation and you will find the treasures you seek what i really what i really like about

this is that it's gone all over the place as far as what it thinks are great philosophers so this is from confucius so chinese philosopher very confucius yeah from the heraclitus i can't find it that makes me very confused the hair where'dlitus! Where'd it go? Hiding it! It was here and here it gone. To know what you know and what you do not know, that is true knowledge. It's kind of the art of war

kind of thing. A little bit. To know what you do not know is the act of knowing. Apparently the French are very good at philosophy. Because here's another one. This is jean-paul satcha and it is this is the easiest one and i think it makes sense hell is other people that's just the i hate people shirt yeah but also the flip side is the the pointing out that the not the world is being surrounded by people that aren't you so that's the hell yeah it's not everyone else it's you it's you are the hell it's your

expectation it's your on your your inability to navigate the world because we're all the main character so hell is everybody else is like yeah but you're fucking hell to someone else yeah that's the whole point it explores how others judgment shape our self-perception yeah exactly yeah it yeah that they i hate people shirts it is funny because it's like i mean they're when i'm driving i fucking hate other people um because but it's it's because maybe i left the house too late or i didn't plan accordingly so So now everyone's driving slow. Everyone's a cunt. And it's like, no, they were just going their speed.

They don't have places to go. I was just in a hurry because I didn't plan my day accordingly. I didn't play the accordion. We're driving accordion. Harry Cletus. I drove an accord and played an accordion. Wow. All right, just a handful more and we'll get through these real quick.

This one is from Albert Einstein. Have you heard of him?ion. Wow. All right, just a handful more, and we'll get through these real quick. This one is from Albert Einstein. Have you heard of him? No. Okay. The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge, but imagination. Do you agree?

I like that, because I don't think I'm book smart. I think I'm like, I think a lot of things smart. Well, AI wants you to be more imaginative. They've got the knowledge. AI's got the knowledge. You guys figure out the fun shit to do.

I mean, I like to use my imagination. I agree. I believe that quote also misses the most important component, and that's drive and follow-up to imagination. Absolutely. But it's prioritizing creativity over road learning. You have to know what to do with your imagination. Yes. Because if you don't have the tools involved to take the steps and you just sit there and think about shit, that's useless.

It is, but so. To everyone besides you. But if you want to have an impact on the environment around you, you have to know what to do with your. Because everyone has an imagination. They're different. But if that's all you have, then you're on acid. Like you're literally the high guy at a party. And you're like, I have so many good ideas and i'm seeing shit and it's like if you don't know how to execute or do something with it then it's just a it's kind of a waste yeah it is weird to

think about like when someone you when let's say you go to like a trivia thing and you're like answering all the questions someone's like dude you're i didn't realize how smart you were and it's like all i did was yeah about dumb shit i would just or i or i read more books or i or i sought more information it's like the information i didn't come up with the information all i did was memorize it from somewhere else so does that really make you smart because you memorized information from somewhere else somebody else did the work did the legwork to figure all that out i guess pictured the worst trivia ever you show up and it's a calculus equation they're like all right question number one you look up it's just a fucking calculus equation you're like fuck they hand you like a i know who britney spears kissed

katie perry kissed a girl and she did like it she liked it i don't know that there's like it's just like real life trivia and you're like fuck this dude it's like not about what album this song was on or what year it came out it's just like normal fucking math and science shit you're like fuck you know what's also funny is if you uh like if you're if you're into sports and you're like dude i could name the entire fucking black socks all the players that when they're like dude that's crazy like you know a lot about sports or like but if you do the same thing with like pokemon you're like fucking nerd yeah i don't know about it what a same thing what a fucking same thing i don't

respect you but respect me for the same thing because you like sports so you're a fucking man but you like pokemon so you're nerd more acceptable yeah yeah shit all right three more okay uh this is from seneca a roman he used to be a seahawks quarterback seneca see i knew that because i like sports wow did you know that? I did not. You're a fucking nerd. This is also about imagination. We suffer more in imagination

than in reality. So the idea is that overthinking future fears. Absolutely. So this is, Seneca is one of the stoic, main people of stoicism. This one,

I was so happy that AI picked this because Christopher Hitchens is one of my favorite thinkers of the modern era. Was. Yeah, was. Screw you, Brian. I'm coming in there. Okay.

He says, quote, the essence of the independent mind lies not in what it thinks, but in how it thinks. I fucking love that quote. That's really good. Yeah. I can't remember. I think that's from Letters to a young contrarian great book it reminds me of a of a honk about it if you got a patreon subscriber but at the uh the end of every single bonus when we talk about like these certain things um like you have different questions that we answer but it reminds me of like the

the importance of it's so easy life Life is such a fucking shit show. And I don't know how long ago we talked about this. Life is such a fucking shit show. It's so easy to be miserable. Yeah. So it's like you're, you choose how you, what miserable things do you want to have an impact on you?

Cause it's important. There are sad things. You don't want to be a psychopath where nothing is sad and you are stoic and you have no feelings so you have to use this filter to accept the real sadness and the perceived sadness the things that don't require or don't deserve that amount of attention because they're always going to come and go regardless of how big of a deal you think they are and then that's how you find your happiness i think people can dwell on those things absolutely and it just drives them nuts i think that i mean that dove into politics and media and all that

stuff when we talked about it it's like yeah you let this shit just infiltrate you it's going to it's like or just fucking don't and just look at what's actually happening, what you actually care about, and then start structuring your happiness around those pillars. Because those are really the only important things. It's kids, friends, partnerships, relationships, job. And then you have to be a little careful about what you're letting in. Because if you just let it all in, the world is fucking terrible. Yeah. And stoicism isn't really about uh no emotions

it's about controlling your emotions so that it doesn't damage others or yourself well yeah but to a degree but if you really don't feel anything there's a difference there's no way to not feel things stoicism knows that you will feel things it's about understanding what you're feeling and channeling it in a way that doesn't destroy things. But, okay, that's the outward part, right? But, like, there is a, I guess the argument that would be, if you practice that enough, eventually you're putting up an inability to actually properly process those feelings that you should be processing because you're worried about how you're going to project them back. No, because it's an internal thing first.

I mean, I'm the same way. like terrible things will happen and i take a breath and i look at it and i think we've talked about that too like think to talker talk to thinker yeah and a lot of men are think to talkers where you take it all in and you want to make sure you have all the information before you say something back um but that also doesn't guarantee you're processing whatever tragedy has happening in your life. And there's different things. There's different calibers of this. Like your dad dies.

If like this happens and you, and you just go, and you're just scared about like disrupting the world around you, but you're actually fucking destroyed inside. Is that good? No, but being reliable to people around you, if you're the head of a household or something. What if it fucks up your life?

What if now you're mentally fucked by not taking the proper steps and discussing it? That's what I'm getting at. I think stoicism, if you dig into it, will help you unfuck your brain when it comes to your chemicals and the way you react to them. I really do.

And I am that. I agree with you 100%, but I also look at it as brain when it comes to your chemicals and the way you react to them yeah i do and i am that i agree with you 100 but i also like i look at it as i think i might be fucking it up by not being vocal enough about the sadness things and bad things that happen to me that i just brush off for sure you should definitely talk to people when you have those kind of things for sure yeah but it's about not you know coming to them and start slapping them and shit oh yeah well yeah that's bad well a lot of people do that a lot of people can't control their emotions so stoicism is a great way to understand things but it's not for everybody a lot of people see it as

absolutely heartless and that kind of stuff and i see why uh let's just do one more okay this is from i was so excited to see that ai picked this it's from richard feinman an american physicist big dicks are better yep dick feinman he says the first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool and that's my favorite quote of all of these that is a good one yeah god we're idiots we are that's the the main takeaway from all of it you know reminds me reminds me of a song lyric I wrote back in the day. I tried talking to myself, but I saw all the excuses coming. Shit.

Yeah, dude. Yep. I think that quote's better than a couple of the ones I read from. Harry Clittis. Harry Clittis. So here's a question for you. Blocked. It's just, it's, I guess so um what am i how was that how

am i gonna try to phrase this so like do we think obviously they're very smart people god damn it was i'm gonna try to say um that we can you say that chord again zach yes but i put it away let's see yeah they're written on his dick yeah hold on hang on put my dick away he's cheating on a test this whole time he's jerking off and like the second he stops jerking off all his notes shrunk into his pants and he can't read it it's under the first the first fold the first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool so it's warning against self-deception in science and in life believe what you want to believe yeah we think we think therefore we aren't right but i i guess i i was just ah fuck i i forgot your truth matter it was

something about it was something about like we we as humans are very smart but are we smarter than like let's say like other animals or are we smart in regards are we smarter than them or did we figure out like tools that kind of thing and then it like what like are we smarter than a fucking bald eagle for what a bald eagle can do in its environment you know i'm saying like are we in its own realm in its own sphere yeah like i mean we can't do its things. Well, they're instinctual level thinkers. Yeah.

And so they're reacting to things that are in their genes. They're better at certain things, but we could also kill a bald eagle. Yeah, we could. And we could also catch fish, and we could also climb a tree. We could also kind of fly, if you want to stand up for cheap. I'm not going to eat gold. I get what you're saying but they can't they don't have they're not doing the same thoughts about their own existence as humans are no they can't and

they can't they can't do that so i i guess i'm wondering like i guess like when i hear quotes like this like uh it's i don't even know what i'm trying to say like feel it out let's hear it i love you i don't even know what i'm trying to say like is it is it is it truly is it are they truly meaningful or is it or is it just us like thinking like thinking more into like we're bored. Are we just bored? I think that's a great challenge to philosophy in general. Yeah. Because a lot of times I hear certain things

and it's like, not those old ones, because when I hear things now when people say something prominent, it's like, there's no zero meaning to that. You're just bored. Philosophy isn't for everyone, but sometimes it,

it strikes a chord. And I think that's kind of the point. That's the point for sure. It's just sometimes. And sometimes, I mean, just to be honest, like I'm not like deep into philosophy,

but I, I like it is I could read a quote one time and then the next time, two years later, I read it and it's a, it's a totally different thing that I read. Oh yeah. So it's a space, it's a space that you're in either.

It's going to connect. It's going to spawn your own brain to, I've, you know, to expand into a new thinking that it hasn't been in for a while or ever, or it's going to fucking be nothing. It sounds like complete garbage and a waste of time. So I wonder like hearing one of those quotes and then hearing another quote, it's gonna fucking be nothing and sound like complete garbage and a waste of time so i wonder

like hearing one of those quotes and then hearing another quote like on shrooms or just like in a state of yeah oh you guys are you guys are both weed heads like just just in a state where your mind is completely you just accept things completely like uh, uh, I don't know. Like I, I mean, living your life by a philosophy quote would be a rough sell, but as long, right.

As long as it just gets you to be like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Live, laugh, love. And if I just went out there and lived and laughed and loved,

I would have fucking AIDS and be locked up in the St. Louis. That's what would happen. If I just did that that i'd be alive i'd be on the corner of like of an intersection going while hugging people and they'd be like you have to come with me yeah you those people that say you have to come with me it's the police a lot of philosophy is about trying to figure out the filter of your mind because the way we look at things right so if you're if you have to do a public speech and you're nervous reshaping that filter so it's like because

nervousness is really close to excitedness and being like instead of being afraid i'm excited to share the information i'm excited to tell people these things that will shift the way that your brain acts and it'll shift the way that your chemistry works yeah and so a lot of philosophy is just like change your filters look at your belief system and maybe that's not correct you're likely that fooling yourself so it's weird up your perception it's weird because i totally i totally see what you're saying because i you know like the idea of getting up and doing something in front of people is terrifying and whenever i tell people that they're always like really i had no idea you do video it's like but getting up there and like performing just you in front of an audience is fucking terrifying it is and i don't know how i would i mean the more it's like

the more you do it the easier it would get i don't know if a quote could like could i don't i just i just don't know if it could like change my perspective on being terrified or practice and it takes other things too yeah how to breathe and having an experience and yeah all sorts of things and then last thing and then we we'll hop off this we're gonna move on to hooray we're not we're not doomed but bouncing off the back of exactly what you were saying brian there's a reason why people have affirmations the affirmations that you read in the morning or whenever you're doing them and sometimes i mean i don't know about a lot of times but it's philosophy quotes because they don't always hit it's just a little tiny bug in your brain

that at some point in your day it might remind you of the dumb quote or whatever you said to yourself in the morning that's going to just make it concrete that you have a chance. So you pick out your favorite quotes, you read them to yourself in the mirror, and that is what, you know, it just, it makes, it refreshes them because our brains are dumb and you forget. Says the guy in the bird suit. Says the guy wearing a seagull costume sitting in a basement with two fucking idiots all right so it's just i just picture i was just picturing like what you're saying totally makes sense my affirmation was like doesn't matter what costume you wear you're a great guy and i read that every day doesn't matter how hot and sweaty you get doesn't matter how hot and sweaty or if you talk about shit in your pants you still got a chance a lot of these things last

thing for me is you're trying to trick your subconscious yeah believing things that are probably good for you yeah and your conscious doesn't know shit your subconscious is going to act on the on the fear and change it into courage yeah i just was picturing this guy standing in front of the mirror and he's like, but it's the live, laugh, love quote. And it's just like, and then he's at his meeting. He's got to do his big pitch

and he's like, just remember live, laugh, love. It is what it is. Yeah. It's what it is. It is what it is. It is what it is. It's what it is.

It's what it is. And he's like, it's what it is. And he goes out there. It is what it is. It's what it is. It's what it is. It's what it is. And then he goes out there. Live, laugh, love. Like in a football locker room. Yeah. All right.

One, two, three. Live, laugh, love. All right. Let's move on for some good news. That was fun. Thanks, Zach. Love you. Yeah.

All right. Push the button. Fuck yeah. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah. yeah all right so this is just ridiculous but just a reminder that uh australia is more fun than we are so crocky yeah they are they are so uh before we watch the video i just want to tell you guys about this australian

politician who is getting out of politics he He's signing off on his career. And what he did was a shoeie. Do you guys know what a shoeie is? Yeah, you drink beer out of a shoe. You drink beer out of a shoe. Everything in Australia ends with an E. Yes. It's a chippy. You're right. You're right. It 100% does. And here's a video of this guy signing

off on his career doing a fucking shoeie. I thought so long and hard about how I will finish finish this speech and i'm used to getting told off so we might as well get this over and done with but i would like to say to the members and the constituents across wa thank you for two fantastic terms cheers members order the honorable kyleable Kyle McGinn will take his seat Now Take his seat after he does a fucking shooey The Honourable member is very well aware That he

Ran a very fine line in offending The dignity of the council So I assume his speech Has concluded imagine being that so politics suck everywhere huh that's the hoa lady right there she's like oh i know you want to have fun at your house but no yeah doesn't matter where you are the hall monitors always want to be in government always watching so uh here's the thing i've always thought about australian people uh so you know like when we, we're like, oh, they're so cheeky.

He's like, all right. It's bippity bop. And we're just like, but it's funny because, like, there, they just all talk like that. So, they're all sitting around an office going, all right. Or breaking up with each other or tucking their kids in. Yeah, exactly. Or I'll think I can see your face no more. Can you say it, like like not like a clown this is really serious i know

i'm being serious crikey but like a very serious A doctor You've got cancer You're gonna die Alright So your heart's about to explode So what we need to do is get in there Take some plows and rip some coals out

And we've got You know you've got like a 2% chance of living Thanks doc Yeah no problem Or I'm gonna hit it Anyway just take the shoeie You know, you got like a 2% chance of living. Thanks, Doc. Yeah, no problem. Oh, I'm going to hit it. Anyway, just takes a shoeie. Off you go then, I'm about to hit a shoeie. It's just, it's so funny because it's such a fun accent and it's such a funny sounding accent.

But to them, it's just their normal life. One of the best. He's like like what are you fucking cunt they always call each other cunts yep as they should because it sounds good he's being a fucking cunt you're like don't don't yell at jeffrey he's being a cunt that's not even no. No, I'm getting into like. British. British, like Beatles. It's a fine line. Yeah. It's easy. What's in it? It's easy to make that transition.

It is. It is. Anyway. I found something on the internet. I'm going to show it to you guys. All right. All right. The internet is pretty wild.

Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes and i will say outright this this isn't the this is never going to be the final prod product of the uh what am i trying to say the field that i'm going to tell you guys about okay this guy just came up with an idea and what he has sucks but whoever steals the idea from him is going to make it awesome okay because that's how the world works uh a company with more money is going to come along and make this actually it was a great idea let's take it yeah i, it is a great idea.

You didn't patent that, did you? And it's one of those where you didn't... Like, there's no reason why any of us three didn't think of this fucking idea. We probably did. We didn't. So, we're going to a Lino Lakes man who has invented a flying pooper scooper

called the Poop Copter. Okay? What? Yes. It's exactly what you think it is as the owner of a corgi named twinkie caleb olsen is familiar with the age-old problem so he found a solution that makes sure his uh enjoining or enjoy fuck me ingenuity thanks yeah ingenuity doesn't read I'm a seagull. I think I'm better at reading big words. You're not fucking better at anything. If it was only big words, I would fly through it. Let's hop back over to our... War and Peace.

War and Peace, and you fucking... You tell me if you fuck me. You tell me. Everyone's got a dog. Everyone's got this problem. So it felt like a big problem that felt worth my time to try and dressing, said Olson. Olson has curated what he believes is the world's first aerial bound dog poop removal system called the poop copter. He says the drone can remotely scan the dog poop in a specific area like a backyard or open field.

When it detects the mess in real time, it will swoop down and scoop it up. Now to tell you guys how it does this, what he has come up with is like, it's a drone. And then on the bottom of it, there's like little things that close. And what he does is the drone rotates and it opens and closes this. Like a shutter eye of a camera. Which is going to be covered in shit. And it's a terrible idea. Like there's got to be a different way to get down,

like a vacuum, something that would just suck the shit out of the lawn, and then maybe spray some water on it, and then go back and take care of itself. I feel like we're in a spot where there could be a cleaning station for your poop copter. Olsen hasn't gotten that far. Unless you wait for it to dry up.

It's still, I mean, come on. If you're picking it up clean or fresh, that's going to get, yeah. Changing blades or a fin on your poop copter after two years of scooping up dog shit. This is what everybody says when something just makes it start. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. No, I'm saying this is great. I'm saying this model isn't it.

Yeah. But it's starting the whole talk because fuck picking up dog poop. He better get credit for it. It's one of the biggest reasons that I don't have a dog anymore. There's dog hair and there's fucking poop. That's it. I love dogs. I've had dogs ever since I got out of college, all the way up until recently.

And I'm just like not having my stuff covered in dog hair and not having to pick up dog shit is fucking awesome. Okay. I love them, but come on so if you could solve that issue because you can't solve dog hair unless you get a robot that's gonna start combing dog hair then i'm in but dog poop sucks especially living up here in the pacific northwest where it's cold and then after that cold go fuck yourself you pick up what a hundred pounds of dog shit and just like you have to man and like just pulling it out of ice grass fuck dude i gotta share this there's so much dog shit go fuck yourself i grew up with eight you don't love me enough yeah so i i hear you and i actually did come up with this idea yeah in my in one of my business classes, my friend and I came up with the Super Poo 5000.

Okay. And this is in like the 90s, bro. Was it a robot? No, it was a little laser, almost like a sprinkler head. We did a little commercial with it, and it would tell whether it was a dog or not. But yeah, it would disintegrate the poop. Obviously, it's not real. But we came up with the whole business plan.

We did a commercial for it, and we had a little prototype and so i yeah after picking up thousands of dog shits a year in the ice and snow yeah even worse in the summertime when it gets all melty and yep just melts into the grass then your kids go out there and and you just have to block out the fact they're sliding through dog diarrhea yeah when you when you grab it and you're like pulling it up and it's peeling you're pulling it through the grass god it just paints it that nice bright brown and you're like this is clean because what are you gonna do with it because get back in there with your shit bag and fucking do something about it no you're gonna wait for it to dry and hope it never happens.

I had to haul a garbage can around, a full-size metal garbage can. See, so this is a great idea. It was. The drones just fly around, detect it, and then fly down and pick up the shit is awesome. I would buy it. I know. So I hope that the next model of it is really ready to go.

The 2.0, not the 1.0. No, I don't think olsen's got it yet i watched it i was like that's not it i was like great idea but that's not it it's like someone that came up with the tv but it wasn't it was like oh yeah but it looked like the first like computers you're like almost it does make sense that a corgi inspired it little dog big shits yeah long dog big shits seinfeld's's got an old stand-up joke. He's like, if aliens ever came down and looked at us and you see one creature's walking and the other one's walking behind you carrying their shit, it's like, who's really in charge here? Yeah, exactly.

We're so obsessed. There are businesses. There's a massive business in our beautiful downtown Spokane. Their profession is they just have a monthly service. They can clean up your shit. Monthly? Do you go outside?

Do you ever use your yard? Well, no. I mean, you can have it daily or weekly or monthly. How much does that cost? A daily pooper scooper? Thereers there are tears oh my god you spend a thousand dollars a month when you can do it yourself a couple dog shits but it's what you're talking about it's that fucking going out and doing it i know but a drone just go get it baby olsen i applaud you you got it um we're gonna wrap things up here in a second with one of the

most fucking insane stories that i've ever read my entire life and i hope you guys have not you've not seen this email zach fucking hit it all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool and we're gonna do this sound bed so double fucking not those shoelaces because here we go this is our son anthony he writes hey stepdaddy's brian joe and the only uncle who still lets me sit on his lap zach long time listener second time writer been listening to joe's shenanigans since is we dumb loved every episode of can you don't so far I was just listening to the episode where you talked about your crazy Uber Eats delivery experiences and asked us kids to send in our stories, and boy, do I have a doozy for you.

Might not be the funniest story, but boy, is it wild. You guys have no fucking idea. Back in late 2019, early 2020, I was unemployed for a few months, and instead of just sitting around being broke, I decided to make money in the easiest way i could and that was to find a new job at doordash or uber eats for the most part benefits dude you know vision and dental vision for curbside tires something that you'll never use the biggest issue i had was mostly dealing with this company's customer service terms when something was wrong with an order or being annoyed when I didn't get a tip after driving someone Taco Bell nine miles. Until this day, it was a pretty normal day for deliveries, and I was going into an apartment

building to bring the food to a person's door. Where I live, this is pretty common, a lot of complexes won't lock the outside door, or most tenants won't leave the door propped open 24 7 anyways as i'm making my way up the stairs i hear the sound of a door slamming open and a commotion of someone barreling out screaming oh my god help me proceeded by frantic banging on doors the commotion makes its way down the stairs towards me as i see a man cupping his eye over or covering his hand over his eye blood gushing down his face and all over his clothes when he sees me he immediately starts yelling she's crazy man you gotta help me to which i responded and asked if he's okay He immediately moves his hand from his face to reveal to me a knife sticking out of his eye and goes, Do I look okay?

She fucking stabbed me. She's crazy. I can't see shit. You need to call for help. Which I immediately start to do. As I'm calling, the woman, who I can only assume is the one who stabbed him, based on the blood on her clothes, strolls down the stairs and proceeds to try to convince me to hang up the phone because he's fine. He's just overreacting.

And naturally he yells, bitch, do I look fine? And then proceeded to get into a yelling match, continuing the argument I'm assuming led to this whole commotion. She then turns to me and drops the best line I think you could hear in this scenario. Please, do you believe me? He's over-exaggerating. Oh, no. He's making this a bigger deal than it actually is. As a knife is literally sticking out of the man's face.

He starts yelling at her again, calling her crazy and psycho, etc. And finally, she says, Terrell, call me fucking crazy one more time! Which, of course, Terrell says, you're a fucking crazy psycho bitch! Oh my god.

And I'm guessing something snaps inside this woman because she reaches for the knife and pulls it out! No! You just gonna play guitar? inside this woman because she reaches for the knife and pulls it out! No! Nope. You just gonna play guitar? That's being a seagull. Ha ha ha ha!

Terrell screams louder than I've ever heard any human scream before, stumbles into me as now I'm covered in his blood, and lets out a very colorful list of expletives. She then starts waving the knife in the air and screaming. She'll do it again too.

Who's next? As Terrell's trying to stumble away. I just wanted to deliver Popeye's to apartment 313. Oh my God. I tell her police are on the way, which I think makes her then panic as she runs back upstairs where she came from. I tell Terrell to hold tight as he's now

sitting on the floor mumbling. Keep an eye on her. One. We're just asking for one. He's sitting on the floor mumbling to himself and I continue to deliver the order. Excuse me. Excuse me, two chickens. Through sleet and snow and

coming right on through. Are you Donald? You got the Popeyes? Excuse me. Excuse me. Two chickens. Through sleet and snow and stabbed eyes. Coming right on through. Are you Donald? You got the Popeyes? Mm-hmm. I can only imagine what these people were thinking when they opened the door to see me half covered in blood, wide as a ghost from what I just witnessed, probably sweating and handing them their food and telling them to have a nice day. Oh, my God.

Unfortunately, I can't leave yet because the police needed me to stay to give the statement since I just witnessed this whole ordeal. Police and paramedics show up. Terrell gets carted away in an ambulance. His girlfriend gets taken away in handcuffs and I get to go on my merry way after talking to the police. However, I get back to my car and find that DoorDash has suspended my

account. It will refuse to pay me any of the delivery paying tips. Apparently there was blood on the bag of the delivery paying tips apparently there was blood on the bag of the food and the customer put in a complaint about my appearance in the blood on their food and doordash saw that as a safety violation and suspended me i tried to fight it but doordash refused to budge without a police report. However, the police were hesitant to give me a report

since I wasn't directly involved in the incident. I mean, kind of, though. In a way. What followed was a few weeks of back and forth with local police and DoorDash. Officer DoorDash. Customer service to eventually get my account unsuspended, which by then, I had been offered a new job and didn't need my DoorDash account anymore.

Moral of the story, don't get in the middle of a couple's knife fight when your only weapon is a steaming bag of fried chicken because it might mean getting your DoorDash account suspended. Oh, and they also never paid me for that delivery and said that the customer refunded the tip based on my appearance. Hope you love the rollercoaster of a story.

Sorry if it was a bit of a long one, but it was quite the story I had to tell you guys. Love the work you guys do. Thank you for making me laugh harder at a podcast than I ever have in my life. Three out of five stars. Wouldn't change a thing. Love your son who now thinks differently about eyeballs. Anthony. P.S. Brian, sorry if you read this. I tried to make it easier for you to read. wouldn't change a thing love your son who now thinks differently about eyeballs anthony p.s brian sorry if you read this i tried to make it easier for you to read make sure someone makes

the font bigger for him he does can i also get a sexy honk from brian oh so you're gonna insult me yes and then and then make a request that's the moral of the show it's great i love those sensual honks fill in my ears while I work. Don't be a baby. He's made up for it. He watched it. How about I give an extra long one at the end of the show? You should have.

What? Hmm? Now it feels weird. Wow. I feel like I'm not a dancing monkey for you to just make the question. That is our three-year show. Hopefully you guys had fun. Something to see on the show.

Reminder that email is heyguysatcannotpodcast.com. And a reminder that the Honk-a-thon is on. So go subscribe. Helps us reach those goals. We'll get that posted up. But it is the number one way to make sure that this show keeps going. Rate and review us where you listen to podcasts. Go check out what Uncle Zach's doing at Scatcast.

A big thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Facebook page for the Kenyon Playground. I think that's it. What a monster of a show. That was a flong of a show. I know, and we'll get to the bonus stuff here in just a second. Let's wrap it up. Zachy Poe!

Good God. Wrap it up already huh it's a weird like dilemma to be in like being like hot in a onesie

seagulls outfit I mean first of all like talking I mean just I wanted it was not lost on me for lap time like doing

philosophy talking while you're sitting in a dog outfit and I'm in a seagull outfit and then I'm like are we just thinking too much are we just bored are we just bored no take me seriously reminds me of the joke we always made about like serious things happen on halloween yeah when you're fucking dressed up as mario yeah something gets hit by a car

yeah fucking mr peach yeah yeah mario and a fucking harry potter jesus fighting yeah jesus jesus is trying to break it up. Yeah Anyway, so I just want you guys to know that I did recently take a poll Mm-hmm, and I found that a hundred percent of people in the tent were angry when it collapsed. No Not that makes sense. Oh God caught it on my leg. That's a good one. What happened? Oh, guitar down. That's all right. One string's already broken. My bad. That's all right.

All right, well, we did it. Nope. Oh, jeez Louise. You can't even do... I can't do anything right. All right, well, I'm going to wait for you to sit down, Brian the dog. And then we'll say goodbye. That was rough, man.

Oh, nice. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. I don't want to be around anymore i think off to the bonus you ready yes brother we love you guys thank you so much for three years Outro Music