Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Urinal. Horses. Butter. Paper Cut.

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Who was the first person to look at a wild horse and be all like, "Imma climb on it." Let's talk about that, a plumber falling asleep in your crawlspace for three hours, setting up a drum-set on the side of the freeway to waste time, having to clean an entire semi-truck with your tongue, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/dLmqJsxkZF0Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

urinal horses butter paper cut we haven't done sports in a while and i have have to say, because it's 42, it's Jackie Robinson. Baseball's started. And hopefully the Mariners are undefeated at this point. Because tomorrow, from the time that we're recording this, tomorrow's opening day. Yes. And then we're going the weekend for a couple of games. So hopefully I'm happy when this comes out.

And if next episode you're super sad, well, we all know what happened. Episode 42. Man, moving right along. Yeah. Almost to 50. I know. Cruise right around. We're going to hit that year mark, which will be a little bit, you know, shifted.

Unless something horrible happens again. If the world ends, I mean, sorry, but we can't control that. Well, we're in a basement. What if the whole world got nuked and we were down here and we just kept recording? Well, it'd be hard to make a living off of it, but that's beside the point. We would be the last podcast. The last podcast. We sure would.

Last podcast on the left. On the left. That's left. That's all the last podcast that's left. Yeah. So thank you guys so much. Everyone who supports us on Patreon, if you do not, go do it. Patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast.

There's so many emails that come in. Turn my cell phone with that one. Like the little sign off just says sexy honk. Yeah. Which I think is just something that would never exist. Those two words together. Sexy honk. Sexy honk.

Honk, but not a honk. No. Yeah, that's a typo honky tonk sexy kind of sexy well yeah i mean to each their own additional content at the end of every single episode if you do support us on patreon so there's that and then send stuff in guys whatever you want to hear on the show hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and then if you have something you want to send in like a physical thing as long as it's like

not a nuclear bomb that'd be weird don't do that yeah then you can and a big thanks to our son Brad who did just that

he sent over some of his favorite beef jerky from Texas and I haven't opened it up yet or we haven't opened it up yet we do have it here

outside the studio as soon as we wrap up we're going to have something yeah we're going to divvy it up maybe we'll chew on the air maybe We do have it here Outside the studio As soon as we wrap up We're going to have some Yeah we're going to Divvy it up Maybe we'll chew on the air Maybe we'll try it On the bonus episode

Ooh yeah I learned my lesson For chewing on the air Chewing on the air So thank you so much If you guys do want to Send something in The physical

The P.O. box You will find that In the episode description Do you still say on the air With a podcast? Mmm The airwaves? Yeah On Yeah sure Sound waves Yeah on the air with a podcast the airwaves yeah um yeah sure sound waves yeah on the sound

waves that fits better yeah so some of our kids sent some shit in do you want to read it this is okay because i didn't look it up but i you wrote a little note in here yeah and i had seen this email come in so i know i know what it's talking about unfortunately i looked it up okay i'm gonna do it while you read it. Go ahead. All right. So this was from a few episodes ago, I think. This says, hey, fuckers. Hey.

Hi. I'm listening to your episode about how you get rid of a body. You morons. Wait. That one. You skipped it. Whoops. Whoops.

One more. One more up. Fuck. Okay. Fuck me. All right. Here we go. On the last show.

Oh, my God. On the left. What? Was that loud? No I'm watching I'm looking up what you're about to read about On the last show Superman escape room Hair evil emo Evil Elmo I'm evil

Tonight will be the night I will drive for you Over again Pepper and I do this thing Which I mean it's not like it's an original thing but from the other room i'll just go where are you it's like no i'm so sorry that's like our little marco polo at any moment that's where are you that's good you have that you know anyway okay uh there was a story where you guys got the, Jesus Christ.

We're doing it. There was a story where a guy got skin ripped off his arm and he drank bleach to pass his piss test. Yeah. Well, that injury is called degloving and it is nightmare fuel. I believe the most common version of this injury is caused by wetting rings that climbing and jumping off of a ledge. Have fun. So, I looked that up.

Yeah, I'm looking it up right now. It looks like a... I mean, you see the insides. It's terrible. I hate all of it. There's one where the guy's... Like, his... His package was starting to rip off. Something, his dick got caught in something.

A hot tub, maybe? something. A hot tub maybe? Yeah. A little hot tub jet? Yeah. Just sucked his foreskin out. That's how they do circumcisions. It's like, all right, get the baby in the hot tub. Stick your dick in a vacuum.

A Flobie. Who remembers Flobies? If you're hearing this right now, you're like, what the fuck's a Flobie? Look it up. Because that was our childhood. That's so funny. It's fucking. All right.

Lay the baby down. Fucking Flobie your foreskin off. I just picture a guillotine. Oh, yeah. Like a little cigar cutter. Yeah. Kind of thing. Yeah.

So if you want to look up what de-gloving accidents look like, go ahead. But our next email comes in. You won't un't unsee it yeah you will not unsee it you will definitely not unsee it but the next one sent in it just says hey fuckers oh wow that that sounds familiar like i just read i'm listening to your episode about how you got rid of it or how you would get rid of a body you morons burning a body is a terrible way to get rid of it. The heat you need to cremate bones is like 1,800 degrees Fahrenheit. So best of luck with that. If it were me, I'd throw it in a lake weighted down in the deepest part. Find yourself a deep-ass lake. Or a pig farm or alligators are pretty good ways to dispose of bodies that never want to be found.

Since they eat everything, the bones, you got it. P.S. I listen to a lot of murder podcasts and cold cases. I'm not a serial killer. Okay. Okay, have a nice life. Bye. That's what a serial killer would say. Exactly what they would say.

It's like when a crazy person says, I'm not crazy. He says, Nikki, Brian, yeah, my name's spelled with a Y, except I'm way cooler than you. Except for my iPhone. Well, it started out cool, and then you did that. It'd be a lot cooler if you didn't say that. The pig thing, I remember they did that on Deadwood. Like, they would just kill somebody and toss it to the pigs. I think that's, when we were talking about it, I think I was leaning that way, but I also don't have a pig farm.

That's a problem. So, you got to transport a whole thing. And then hope that the pig farmer doesn't see you. He doesn't notice that his pigs are eating a body yeah they better be really now he's in cahoots with you yep so now you guys are going to jail now you got loose ends yeah now you gotta kill him and throw him in the pen and then pretend you're the farmer the whole time yep yeah you gotta take his identity yeah because you just say that he went on vacation never came back i don I don't know. That's all he said to me.

I feel like farmers don't take vacations, right? They're just like a pig farmer. I don't see him in the Bahamas. You know, like if you're a pig farmer, that's just something you do all the time. Oh, yeah. There's no weekends. Don't take a little break from pig farming. No.

Yeah, now that you mention it. You're born into a pig farm family and you die pig farming. Now that you mention it, have you ever been on vacation or talking to like someone in a remote destination at a bar and you say, what do you do for a living? Has anyone ever said I'm a farmer? No. Not once. Nope. Nope.

I mean, I've heard farmers tan. That's it. That's the closest to a farmer being in Cancuna that I've ever, and not a single time. That's wild. Good observation there, guy. Yeah. All right. You ready to jump into the show?

I am. All right. Let's dive in. Let's do it. Head first. Hey, shut up. Start the show already. We're doing a Would You Rather.

We are. This one, I just went on the internet and found it. So, I didn't come up with it. Actually, I combined a couple different ones that I found online. But it says, would you rather have to clean an entire semi-truck with your tongue? Fuck that. Or get a paper cut between your fingers every time someone says your name. Also, fuck that.

Fuck all of that. So, disgusting or pain? Yeah. I mean, what is it about paper cuts that just have this? Like, this is... Jack, you watch Jackass, and you cringe. And it's the same feeling, and we've addressed this before. I mean, I can do broken arms and wrists.

I don't know. But when a knee goes backwards, like when you see a leg press and the knees go the wrong way, just fuck you. I saw a video of a guy. He was on a bike, and he was riding a rail with the pegs. And then he landed, and he hits the ground. He's like, oh my God, my leg, my busted in half. And then he lifts up and his leg's dangling there. My arms are all tattooed.

My hand's tattooed and that hurt like a son of a bitch. But it's a different kind of. Oh. It's not like a shocking. It's just that's yeah of... Oh. Yeah. It's not like a shocking... It's just... Yeah, it just snaps. Yeah, it's weird. Because it's like...

It's that unknown. When I fell off my motorcycle, I broke my ankle. And I looked down, and I thought it was bone, but it was just scuffed. But I was like... I remember looking at it and going, okay, that's the bone. And then being calm. Am I alive? I always thought I would freak out more. Well, it turns out, that's the bone. And then being calm. Am I alive? I always thought I would freak out more.

Well, it turns out it wasn't the bone. So that's why I probably didn't freak out. Yeah. But if I looked down, my leg was just dangling there. Yeah. It'd be hard to keep your composure.

Anyway, we're going to have track here. What would you do? Well, I just, it's that the anticipation of someone getting ready to cut it, that, that anticipation is worse.

Well, it's more of just like, well, they can say your name. It's like, hey, Joe. Fuck. Oh, right. God damn it. Like, it just happens, right? Is there someone that follows you around with paper? I think I would see.

A paper boy? I think I can handle that almost because it's the anticipation. Like, knowing someone's going to slice your finger, the anticipation of, oh, just fucking do it. Stop talking about it. You're killing me. I'm kidding. It's the whole question. When I get blood drawn, it doesn't hurt, but that anticipation that I know what they're doing sucks, and then it takes 10 seconds.

Yeah. But it's that anticipation of it. Yeah, the pain's not even that bad. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Anticipation part, that does suck. I mean. Because it'd come out of nowhere, right? We talking you're like hey brian i'd be like oh god damn it yeah ouch but you know just goes down the line and just cuts between your fingers don't get to

pick which one i don't think sometimes between the pinky pinky and the ring finger uh different hands Different hands. Man. And obviously, I think I'm... Well, my name is common. So if... Let's say, I mean, my daughter, Pepper. Can you pass the pepper? Fuck! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. So is it just your name or someone acknowledging you?

I think it's just your name. Because if you just hear Joe or you hear a Brian, you're like, with an I or a Y? They're like, a Y! Fuck! God damn it. Brian. Plyan. You change your name to like, you know, Jinglehammer Schmidt.

Yeah, or just Plyan. Plyan. I want someone to name their kid Plyan. Just see how it goes. Good luck. Brian. Close. I always laugh at people like, why can't you just name your kids regular names like

mike and john and things like that why because we have we have a million of them already why not just give them something unique right yeah give them a little something to do out there they don't have to be a joe yeah yeah or a joe brian like joe bob riggs joe bobs anyway oh man okay so paper Joe Brian. Like Joe Bob Riggs. Joe Bob's. Anyway. Oh, man. Okay. So paper cuts, hate them. Cleaning a semi-truck with your tongue. Is there a time limit on the paper cuts on the finger? Like pain-wise? You know. Like a year.

Why are you asking me? It's your question. For a year. Like do you get it or is it five years? Because I think that does change things for me every time someone says your name for a year just go to the mountains no one says your name no see you're trying to find some loophole it's got to be it's got to be just you're living your regular life forever though no for a year but it's your regular you can't you can't avoid it it's just you're going about your regular routine.

Nothing changes except for you get a paper cut now. How do you feel about licking dead bugs off of like a windshield wiper? Just, does that bug you? No. You get it. No, probably not as, I mean, if I just had, if you take that as out of context and you just ask someone, how do you feel like about licking bugs at a windshield? Don't like it. Not a big, I mean.

But compared to. I haven't thought about it a whole lot, but. Compared to getting. Paper cuts. Paper cuts every time. Yeah. What I'm, what I'm more grossed out about is like licking the floor of a, of where people walk around. Like, cause truckers,

they, they're, they're going into grungy bathrooms and coming out. You'll be licking that gas station. You'll be licking that gas pedal. That's what I'm worried about. Like gear shifter. I licking,

licking outside stuff. Doesn't bother me. Like mud and dirt and bug. Not as much because it's not, I visualize like, I would rather do that than lick a toilet seat or something you know yeah it's people's bodily fluids that that and how well does it have to be cleaned does my tongue just have to touch every no it's got to be like square inch or it's got to

be shiny yeah it's you gotta i think you'd be able to eat a meal off of it. Yeah. Save some money. So much protein. Isn't that the saying? I want it so clean you could eat a meal off of it. Yeah. So if you cleaned it with your tongue so clean that you could then eat a meal off of it. Oh, man. I just ate a meal.

How long would it take? I think that's something else. How big is the truck? I mean, the standard semi truck. Let's go. It's old Jack Burton's from Big Trouble Little China. Okay. So there's a back.

18-wheeler. Yeah. Got the trailer. Got to lick all that, too. There's a bed in the back. I mean. If he's picking up Ladies of the Road, you know, Friends of the Road. Fucking piss jugs.

Yeah. you know friends of the road fucking fucking piss jugs yeah oh i mean i just despite i mean get it i know i'm gonna get sick but if you vigorously attacked a semi-truck with your tongue for a couple months i think you're done i mean that a day and a nine to five oh my god so you have to work up in the morning and you're like getting dressed or you're getting you're showering in the morning like you know that that's what you have to go do you're in you're in uh i mean it's gonna wreak havoc on your marriage like your relationship you're sitting in the counseling office so tell me what's going on and your face is covered in bugs well i don't know but i mean it all started when my husband started licking semi trucks wait let's go can we go back to the question yeah would you rather clean my trucks with your

see i you're talking you keep talking about the outside i keep thinking about the inside i guess the whole thing no you can't no i would much rather clean the outside about the inside. I think it's the whole thing. No, you can't. No. I would much rather clean the outside than the inside. You got to do both. Yeah. You're cleaning the whole truck. But I feel like you're not acknowledging the inside enough. You keep saying bugs, which, well, that doesn't sound nearly as bad as licking where his feet, his butt.

You're licking the seat. And his gear shifter. Just licking Chex and is in the this gear shifter just licking checks mix out of the seat and you know he's rubbing one out and yeah farting in that seat i guess it does depend on who's driving that truck it doesn't matter uh what a funny business idea though like if you were a car wash and you just had so many people licking cars just a bunch of people licking is it touchless no it's it's tongue it's just tongue we're safe well yeah there's if we ever decide like we need to save water

what we do but and you and my car has to be sparkling then there you go come to joey's tongue wash i'm going with the i'm going with the paper yeah oh you're going paper cut yeah all right just because it's i mean mean, it's going to suck. It's going to hurt. But I just, knowing you have to go lick a semi-truck every day. Well, is it just, is he done with it? And it's just sitting in a parking lot and it's like, it's overtime. You're just cleaning it up.

It's not like everyday new shit. No, it's parked, but it's been on a. It's parked out by the lake. It's been on a journey. I mean, he had to bring some shit to New York, and he's back. You know, back here in the Pacific Northwest. And that's what you're licking. That's what you're licking!

I can't do the paper cuts. I'm licking the truck. So, paper cuts for you. I'm licking the truck. Fine? Sure. All right. Let's do it.

Let's go to the next thing. Okay. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit

What are you thinking about? For whatever reason, I feel like my brain lately Has been going on a little more vacations And it's normally a mess in here It's bouncing all over the place But lately it's been, you know It's trying to figure itself out It's out on a coffee break Yeah, it's been uh you know god it's trying to figure itself out it's out it's out on a coffee break yeah it's doing some soul searching uh just isn't taking selfies

yeah it is climbing mountains taking selfies i know but this particular thought i forgot i was watching some show and it was you know discovery channel it was like a mini documentary series that was showing you was showing these different inventions and how important they were. And of course, you have your standards that it was talking about. And if you had to guess some standard inventions, what would you guess? Like the big ones. Dildo.

Yep. Boom. That was number one. It's got to be sexual, right? That was number one. Followed by the airplane, maybe? There's airplane at three, electricity at at two dildo at number one yeah that makes sense it doesn't mess but uh and like telephone plumbing plumbing electricity

light bulb like these are the ones that you would expect to be there and as i was watching the show i started thinking about like just other inventions or situations in humanity where what the fuck did they do beforehand and then how did we figure out that we could do this okay and then the the number one spot that my brain went was who was the first person that looked at a wild horse just you know doing horse stuff yeah just out there just in a field doing horse stuff yeah frolicking like the the wind is the majestic mane and this guy goes i'll fucking get on it right yeah because ride hasn't been invented yet no you see yeah yeah you don't know you're riding it yet you're not not going to say, I'm going to go ride that. They're going to be like, what are you talking about?

Like who just looked at it, it was like, that looks like something that would be totally fine with me getting on the back of it and just having a life together. And because of that thought, it's a drunk thing. Yeah, that doesn't happen sober. No, this is not a meth thing or a cocaine thing

or a weed thing. This is a drunk thing. You get drunk, you look at. No, this is not a meth thing or a cocaine thing or a weed thing. This is a drunk thing. You get drunk, you look at stuff, you're like, I'm gonna get on it. Yeah. That's just one of those things. No one is high and then you find them on top of a traffic light. No, that's a drunk guy. So he's, you know, got to be with a buddy.

And I think it's just that stereotypical, like, watch this. Yeah. Okay. Before we get into that fuck does anybody ever if you're by yourself have you ever been drunk and be like i want to get on that well actually yeah but not really like not not to the degree that you would if someone was watching yeah yeah because you need that person to go oh yeah you definitely should get on that you how are you gonna do it well i mean i picture this other guy saying back i'm gonna get on he goes he goes what that thing's huge why would you do that because i know but i can jump really high goes they're so smart like like it's the einstein of the animal kingdom the horse and i think that

i mean i'll talk more about that in a second wasn't around, wasn't born yet when they were making this decision. Sure. So he's not using that reference. Yeah, it was someone, other smart person in the village. He's using Aristotle. Horses like the Aristotle's of animal kingdom. Right. And, you know, he's looking for that.

You should totally do it. And he goes, fuck yeah, dude. He runs out there and then it works out. Like he gets, he's on the horse and his buddy's like no fucking way and the horse is like dude what yeah and he's like and the horse is cool with it yeah like that's the weird over time the horse is like let's do it gotta break it yeah and it's because you feed them and then how many times you get your fingers chomped before you realize you gotta flatten them out yeah it's just so funny to me and then don't stand behind him no well you figured that one out yeah same guy yeah but the first time he tried to ride it well yeah because he's like i'll do it so he can't see me

i'll sneak up on him oh he saw you it's the last thing you want to do is sneak up on a horse that's the first scene okay it's two dudes wearing whatever, drapes, like on a fence. And he goes, I'm going to get on. He goes, you should totally do it. And then gets the quick cut scene and he's got a hoof mark. That didn't go well. Blew his eye socket out. And he goes, I'm still going to do it.

I know where I went wrong. Yeah, I know where I went. Next time, I'm not going to sneak up on it. He needs to know that I'm coming at it. And it was fine. And he had its mane. You don't tickle its little head. Massive jaw.

You got to rub down its nose. In between the eyes. That's a big reason why I grew up in Idaho. I've ridden plenty of horses. I just don't like riding horses. Because I was on some shitty trail back ride that was called horseback trail thing trail back trail horse and i'm riding and there was a moment between me and the horse we're kind of like looked up at me and i was like i shouldn't be here

like i just felt it he was like dude he goes you too i didn't think out of all people joe fucking paisley there's definitely there's a there's a rider and horse relationship oh that's a real thing you the horse the horse knows if you're not comfortable i mean i was fine it was just that moment where you looked at me and i was like you're way too smart for me to be on you yeah this is i don't know and uh but like like if they think about your smartest friend yeah you got your whatever like my smartest friend i'm going josiah he's a literal aerospace engineer he wouldn't have been there with you saying you should ride the horse that kind of no easily yeah no but just picturing me jumping on his back and then him being fine with it

like just because i feed him he's like all right where do you want to go bud uh you get on his back let's go hey yeah yeah like kicking digging your needles into his hips no i'm gonna tolerate that shit you have to find a new smart friend he's gone that's so funny when you break it down riding a horse when you break it down like that, like, what are we doing? Honestly, like. We're going real fast. But we're like, we're just on another animal.

And then telling it to turn and stop and go. And fucking metal bar through its teeth. Yeah. That's so confusing. What a confusing relationship. You're petting it like i love you and you get on back and get this fucking spurs on you're like yeah just fucking dig your heels into his gut he's like fuck i thought you loved me and then it breaks its leg and you pull out your gun you're like he's like dude what are you doing what are you doing i'm still i can still

live right yeah but you're no good to me anymore. Wyatt, no, I'm your friend, right? I can't pay for this. Well, you're about to become glue. Yeah, bye. Anyway, yeah, so I just thought that was a wild thought that I'd share with everybody. Where did the term beating a dead horse come from? It's the same situation.

Like the horse is dead and you're so pissed that he died? Why would you keep beating this horse? What kind of fucking monster are you? Where does this come from? I want to do a whole segment on weird phrases. Yeah, where did it come from? Who was beating a dead horse

to someone who was like, dude, you shouldn't beat a dead horse. He goes, whoa. But it's not... You get away with beating a dead horse for a bit yeah as long as it's like it's just for a little bit every time you hit it like a new thing comes out yeah like a thing to talk about yeah and then after a while it kind of like this conversation you're like whoa whoa and then another funny thing to think about is um like what did what did referees do before whistles were invented just yell at them hey

hey you hey and i doubt they had numbers before then so they're like hey hey what's your name jeff jeff get. Jeff. You can't just hit him like that. He was going to shoot and you hit him. And then how do they know that play can resume without a whistle? Hey, okay, on my mark. Go! Yeah. Ready?

What? Said go. Go. Now? Are we going on three or are we going on go? Right. Just kick the ball. Fuck. Take it back even further or we're going on go? Right. Just kick the ball. Fuck.

Take it back even further. What were sports like before? Like when they're inventing basketball or football, I'm assuming they didn't just have a referee. Yeah, probably not. Or an umpire or something. They probably didn't have rules yet. Like what are they enforcing? Yeah, they don't have any rules.

So you're playing a game and then you're like, Ow! You can't do that! And like, why? Why can't I do that? Ouch! Because that hurt! It hurt me! Well, who says I can't do it? I did!

I don't like that! And then the guy's like, well, it's fine! And then someone's like, well... That was pretty fucked up. What do you... Another guy walks in. Hey, show of hands! Yeah, who thinks...

Show of hands! Who thinks you can't hit their arm when they're shooting and then it raises this angle fuck god damn this team raised their hand it's a split decision and then friggin jeff some guys sitting over in the audience like jeff get over here yeah what do you think hey what do you think happened uh i mean he did hit it and obstructed the shot well so you're gonna be in here we needed you a third party in here now you stand here and you you let us know when someone hits somebody. Yeah.

Okay, great. And then we hit somebody and go, hey! And they're like, Jeff, we can't hear you. Can you whistle or something? Like fingers in the mouth? Yeah. That's actually pretty good. Thanks.

My dad could do it so loud. I know. I could do a high-pitched one that hurts my own ears. Don't do it. I won't. I won't do it so loud i know i could do a high pitch one that hurts my own ears don't do it i'm like i won't i won't um but then so then that gradually like okay well we're just gonna hire jeff did a decent job we're just gonna hire him now so uh now he's dressed like we are so we need to what's a what's a ridiculous looking thing that'll stand out what would we never wear yeah what's the most ridiculous shit that any team with respect and is looking to like build a fan base what would we never wear i don't know we're dressing

like a zebra fuck yeah no respectable team is gonna dress like no one respects zebras anyway so here's a here you can whistle here's a zebra shirt let me know when i hit somebody that's that's so funny and then we're gonna yell at you when you when you do your job right you get pissed about i didn't hit him well i thought you did you you hired me to do this i made a decision now you're mad at me coaches in general is so funny that's a topic for another time though like head coaches in the nba it's just so funny to me like what are you doing here i mean i get it there has to be somebody like that is gonna tell everybody because there's so many ideas everybody has all these different ideas so you have to have one guy to a bunch of

grown-ass adults that are the best in the world and he has to be like we should run this play best than you ever were way better than you ever were did i say best or better way better than you way better than you ever were perfect example phil jackson coach i mean phil maybe phil jackson by all by all coaching standards everyone everyone thinks Phil Jackson is a genius. And he had the triangle offense. Great. He also had Michael Jordan, Scotty Pippen, Dan Trombe. And he had Paxson.

And then he was inherited Kobe Bryant. Yeah. Shaq. Yeah. So that helps your strategy. Is Phil Jackson a genius or did he just have some of the best players of all time terrible analogy and then we can move on it's like if when you're going to war it's this picture like the civil war and you are hailed as the best uh commander of all

time general general of all time but you also were the only one that has a nuclear bomb yeah it's like well of course you were because you had a fucking nuke yeah like it's the same thing it's like yeah no you're pretty good because you had all the best players of all time so or you just had guns versus yeah swords and bows yeah wow wow how'd you do it what a brilliant strategy using guns i know it just came to me one night. Wow, cool. Well, somebody else invented them, but we just bought some. They put all the work, and then you just told them what to do with them.

Yeah. You're the best ever. All right, let's move on to Dick. Okay. We've got some fun stuff in here. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's Dick. Hey, Joe. Yeah? Speaking of Dick. Yeah? Is it cool? Then it's dick back Hey, Joe, speaking of dick Yeah? You were talking about horses And they have large penises Yeah, they do I just got to thinking about it for a second

We didn't even mention that they didn't have saddles No, you were just barebacking Yeah, so it's one thing to try to get on a horse After you've broken it It has the whole way you get the stirrups and everything on it so you can climb on we just try to get on a big fucking horse with nothing and it doesn't want you there how did you do it like how did that i want to go back if i could go back in history they're like where do you want to go i don't't want to go to all these cool things. I want to go to the first guy that got on a horse.

Right. And see how it happened. If you could have dinner with anybody, and you just pick who's the first guy that got on a horse. I want to have dinner with the first guy that rode a horse. What? You'd be the only person that ever answered that question. I promise you. Yeah, that's the whole thing.

It's like the first time for something. That guy's got quite a story. God damn it. And he's probably such an idiot. What? We'll move on. Yeah. But I want to touch on this more in the future.

Okay. The first time somebody did something and like what it must have been like. Yeah. For someone to just go from nothing to inventing an airplane yeah or i mean just going back and uh to what we hit on like who was the first person that was like like whistled like whoa yeah fuck that was loud how'd you do it yeah and some people can't figure it out you got you got to put yeah it's all with the tongue it's all on the tongue uh okay so our first dick story it's uh

we talked about some bowling a bowling alley last week so i figured why not continue to talk about bowling this week um this was sent in from our daughter amanda there it's it from eldon missouri missouri missouri and it's some reviews for eldon lanes okay. Okay? So good. Because as you go through the one stars, even some of the two stars, this guy, I mean, he's pissed. You can tell. And he replies to

all of them. Flag for Sheriff? He flags them for Sheriff. Some of them, he doesn't have a direct thing to write back. He says, hey, sorry that we you know, we fucked this up. Like, please private message me so we can be better. But sometimes he writes that and followed up by, I'm going to kill your family. Like, it's not.

But, like, we'll just lay some groundwork here. This is from the reviewer named Paige. One star, about a month ago. Says, guy and his wife that runs this place, just hateful as can be. It'd be great if they weren't so hateful. What did they do? But it just goes on and on and on. That's weird.

It's one thing to be maybe inconsiderate or not helpful, but hateful? Yep. Okay, it's coming in from Ashley, one star. Coming in hot it says unfortunately we had a very bad experience with the man working at the counter i ordered an alcoholic drink my husband and i both showed our id we sat down and our friend took a sip of our drink the man working aggressively rushed our table and very rudely asked for the id which she was more than willing to show however the man working then made

very hateful and snide comments accusing my younger brother of trying to drink if you're sure if you're watching us like a hawk through our games surely you can see that my brother clearly was not trying to drink very rude and immature definitely will not be coming back five people found it helpful here's the response wow from the owner i was not rude aggressive snide or accusing anyone of anything i simply asked to see an id of someone who i don't know to be a legal drinking age and while she was going to get her id i simply asked the young man sitting at her table if he was 21 and if he planned on taking a drink he said no so i left you to your bowling like so okay i picture that just um and we'll read some more here

but picture this gentleman just staring at this table from behind the counter just looking through the shoes like whatever he's doing right pretending to be working and just, in the second that sip. And just, he jumps and slides over the counter. Like, does a little, like, 80s car hood slide. ID, ID, ID. He's not, okay, he's not wrong. But again, pretty aggressive, it seems like, okay? And I mean, you'll just all you'll see so this

one coming in from jared he says owner was super rude you're going to reply back like you didn't come up yelling and freaking out so now we got a reviewer who's scared to even review it because this guy's gonna flag for sheriff right he's not he's not having it and he this is what you know goes i'm sorry that you think that asking for an ID is super rude. When you see someone take a drink of another person's alcoholic beverage, we will ask to see the person's ID. So this guy is just hawkeying these tables to, like, make sure that someone, you know, isn't going to be taking illegal sips of alcohol. Like, it's that big of a deal. Have you ever been out?

And that's like a... No, but maybe he's got a... Maybe he had something... Like, alcohol. It's that big of a deal. Have you ever been out and that's like a... No, but maybe he's got a... Maybe he had something... There's been bars that have been shut down because it came out that they were serving underage. Maybe he was worried about his place getting shut down. I bet. Yeah, maybe he got in trouble one time.

So now it's... I mean... He's trying to do his job now. Yeah, well, also seems like he doesn't like doing his job as charity will let you know one star horrible horrible experience never going back can't believe they stay in business the guy in charge is grouchy and doesn't belong in a bowling alley all the grouchy people that are in a bowling alley if there's i mean if there's one spot for a grouchy person i'd say that bowling alley that's what they probably should be so the owner comes back we're sorry

you had a horrible horrible experience please pm us so we can better improve our customer service thanks for your feedback all right so there's one that this one is great so this is coming in just larry local guide so i mean he's he's earned his badge he's done enough reviews uh on google review that he's now being called a local guide um oh i didn't know that yeah so larry said uh this place is cc i don't know what that means is that like a bowling crummy closed caption i don't okay charged my grandkids for a soda they did not get after their... I thought you were going to say he charged his grandkids. Like a bowl? Yeah.

For a soda they didn't get after the urinal blew up in my face when I opened the bathroom door. What? That's a lot. Okay. But thinking... Those are two way different things. Wait, he charged them after this? Are they...

Like they're related? Like they're connected somehow. He's like, I was going to give you free soda until the urinal blew up in your face. Get the fuck out of here, Larry. Okay. I mean, like it was rigged. Like it was a booby trap. So I don't believe Larry for a second.

A little bit of a drama queen. And here's the response from the owner liar but wait isn't this isn't this other guy supposedly supposed to be local he just he just hates enough places and reviews enough places to be like a local guide i'm guessing you got like a okay award all right like it's not like his name he doesn't his profession isn't listed as local guide it's just something that gives uh you know comes to you as you leave a bunch of reviews so it says liar your grandkids got their soda and weren't charged full price because we had to shut the water off after your daughter's boyfriend broke the supply line to the men's urinal and it didn't blow up in quotes quotes in your face you walked in the men's room after you heard

the line was broken fucking larry i don't know i believe the owner yeah like larry he's like what's going on here it's just spraying into spraying into his, like a clown's mouth. It's draining. Yeah. It's draining under the restroom door. He's like, well, what's going on in here? And just pushes it open. Tsunami of water.

But it just, I mean, all the reviews. You were rude to the wrong family. Okay. If you like to bowl, don't go here. The owner came out and cussed us out because we accidentally hit the humidifiers and this is one of my favorites all right from the owner for one thing okay out the gate for one thing i did not cuss you out i told you to roll the bowling ball properly and on the lane. Not only did you hit the humidifier, which has not

been on the lane, you hit the camera that takes data for the automatic scoring and broke a screw that secures it in place. I spent over an hour repairing the damages that you did. I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but we can't have public chucking, we can't have people

chucking bowling balls and breaking things you are more than welcome to turn as long as you can bowl properly it doesn't mean that seems reasonable right yeah i'm sure i just this bowling alley what the fuck is going on in here? Like, what is- Freaking Thunderdome inside this place. This is where you come if you want to just fuck off. Like, does anybody bowl in there for real? Owner was rude, will never be back, place is horrible, needs new management, lame music,

lame people, lol. And he just, you know, sorry you didn't like the music that was being played on the touch tunes, our customers pick it it is that what he said as far as far as the lameness of the people sorry not everyone could be as cool as you lol sick comeback god man i want to meet him i want to meet him um but i you know hopped over and looked on yelp it It's more of the... A lot of the same. A lot of the same. But yeah, looking at photos of the bowling alley, I mean, it's your typical bowling place. It's got the cool carpet, mood set.

It hasn't been updated in quite a bit. Has anyone ever changed the carpet in a bowling alley? They just rotate it. Yeah. Do you spend... That's something you spend your all your money on your profits yeah yeah i'm you have to at some point it's like cigarette smoke in it it just baked in anyway so i thought that was funny but then this was also sent in by

one of our kids and it's just a video i'm going to play for you okay um this was sent in by our son jesse it's uh it's off of tiktok and it has nothing to do with this particular bowling alley but it's something that i didn't know that it was even a thing you could get like it's like that you could just go out in the world and get this and this lady this girl has like the best response because it's exactly what i think our response would have been i've been like crying laughing for the last 24 hours over this. I like truly mean it. And I don't think I'll ever get over. My grandparents died last year, like one, two, both of them gone.

And our parents and like uncles decided not to take any of the money from the inheritance that they were entitled to and just pass it along to the grandkids. So all of us got a little bit of money. My fucking stepbrother bro it's been six months and my he it's gone he doesn't have anything they went to a financial advisor on monday and he doesn't have anything left what can i do it's not funny but he spent it all on designer scented bowling balls what is that her laughing one of them smells like blueberry muffins

what designer scented bowling balls that's a thing i just dude how funny is it to come back around and be like all right hey we have a like you're just picturing my family right we got money from my when my dad passed away right and then a couple months later the group a group chat starts and it's like hey you know everyone still has their money right we're thinking about going in on this house like a family house so we have a place to visit blah blah and then you have to write back god i don't have it anymore what what what happened well i spent it all on designer scented bowling balls like how do you how do you remain in the family but i guess the cool part is you do have a bowling ball that smells like blueberry muffins how much are these things i've got i don't know

i'm assuming that kid got a few like thousands of dollars right oh yeah i would assume so but god that's so funny um anyway so oh my god this is like a thing there's like i just googled it what's the point like yeah i mean i guess bowling balls don't smell good but yeah it's a fucking bowling when you get ready to to yeah like when you when you stand up to the lane like you're ready to go everybody holds the ball up to their face and you don't want it to smell you want to smell something yeah you might smell like donuts or like a winner what'd be a funny thing for it to not it's gonna smell like cigarette smoke no matter what so there's that but you know ether or those like uh little sniffing capsules that wake you up when you're passed out oh yeah like

get you really a little popper thing oh i'm here yeah here we go turkey turkey here we go and then just right into the gutter right yeah i guess because you know you have a designer right into the uh humidifier put into the humidifier and then off the camera so good okay let's uh let's see let's take a peek at your at your dick there let me show you what you got there for me, buddy? Alright, where did this take place? Doesn't really matter. It's in California. Yay! Firefighter discovered missing, in quotes,

plumber asleep in crawl space under California home. I like the carryover from last episode of this one. Just shows you a bunch of crazy shit going on out there. Okay, what happened? Let's go.

A missing plumber that sparked a rescue by Los Angeles firefighters fell asleep in a home's crawl space. A worried homeowner called for help when the 50-year-old plumber did not return for three hours after entering the 2,100-square-foot home's crawl space Saturday, March 25th. The home built the home built in 58 had a three foot high crawl space beneath it. Using special equipment for confined space rescues, firefighters spotted the plumber inside the crawl space. When they cut two holes to the floor, the chainsaws to rescue him, the sleeping plumber woke up and crawled out on his own fire set.

He was uninjured. The incident took place northridge northwood so i don't know i'm trying to picture like the guy like did he just falls like if you're a plumber like he he was probably tired right he's busy he's tired and so he's just kind of like you know what i just i'm gonna close my eyes for a couple minutes i'm gonna rest them yeah yeah three hours goes by do you wake up to just to a chainsaw through the floor and funk and people screaming your name and that's what you wake up to i mean terrifying but also for him from his perspective, he wakes up, he goes, not again.

Like that. Maybe he's narcoleptic? Yeah, sure. Or he just stayed out too late. He's, you know, trying to get over some, you know, his drinking habit. Super hungover, goes in the crawl space, you know, going to rest his eyes for a bit. And then he just wakes up and goes, oh, no. And the firefighters know who he is.

Oh, it's Fred. Yeah. He drops out like fred god damn i'm sorry guys i'm sorry or they get the call and they're like we have a report of a missing plumber no he's sleeping they're like fuck fred what's what who does he work for i don't know fred plumbing yeah it's fred fred's plumbing fred's pipes fred's pipes I just It's so funny to me To think about The idea of like Like in the

These guys Sticking their head down And they're looking And you just see this guy like Hey guys What's going on? I just had the craziest dream I feel like someone was drilling And I was I I mean, I was on the job and I was plumbing

and then I just like woke up to you guys cutting through the floor. And they're like, just fucking. You ever have one of those dreams where you hear noises and you think you're like dreaming about what's going on? Like, why is there a chainsaw down here? Oh, you guys. That's because of you guys. Yeah.

And how about the homeowner that just like gave up? Yeah. That's kind of also weird. she didn't offer me anything to drink maybe that was the problem was too much to drink on the front end hey but i mean how leaning your head down there what'd you say hey yeah like you down here whistled at him and then just called the cops tried a little harder but also she didn't check on him for three hours and then she just said he was missing it's I mean pretty did he just walk there was a truck outside

maybe well did she start getting scared that he was hiding in her house somewhere I just get this like what if she's just laying there and she's like oh no he's dead and I'm not dealing with this I have to go down there and find the dead plumber i had the worst day i'm not nope i am not helping with a dead body today she got back from her workout yeah because she still wasn't there i guess i'm calling the cops i mean what a good use of tax money didn't even try that's so funny too because it like i

imagine like police car showed up a couple fire trucks because the whole every time something happens six cars roll up did you ever did you ever take a snooze on the on the clock oh yeah yeah when i was when i was ksoi i'd work from 3 to midnight, and then sometimes I'd work the morning show. I did 36 straight hour shifts before, where I would lay, there was a little couch in the back there. I had to sleep for a little bit. Try to sleep. Funny. Obvious enough, yeah, with KXOI.

It was a work event, so luckily my boss was understanding, and it just went way too late. And then I had to get up and do the morning show um so i just went under the desk where where i did the morning show and just went to bed for a couple hours and he came in and he woke me up and i was like i can't i can't do it right now and he goes all right that was it and he just left and i slept under the in the studio under the desk some i mean there's some jobs when you're working like a like this guy could have been maybe he was just working overtime or saying he's he's this is his sixth house in the last two days and he's just been it's been all night

fucking thing he's like dude i just i need a minute you'll be great as if he if he knew the job was going to take 10 minutes but he built billed her for three hours, took a nap. Yeah, I mean, there's no way that hasn't happened. All right, should we take a look at the Petty Beef? Yeah. It's a grossie. You ready? Yeah.

Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef are you ready to do this one ready this petty beef brought to our attention by our daughter Rosie brought to you by Rosie. So check this out, Bright Guy. Okay. My boyfriend doesn't wipe his bum after diarrhea. So it says, I'm a female, 22, lying in bed with my boyfriend, who's a male, 28, who is going to sleep with no pants on. He's just come back from the toilet.

He now tells me there's no point in wiping your bum after you've had diarrhea because it quote doesn't stick to your bum and is a quote waste of paper this is crazy right is it a red flag i feel like i'm going crazy that's a brown flag yes it is buddy absolutely is it's a wet flag not i mean like there's not a whole lot to debate here yeah it's what like okay you made it to 28 years old that great way to go somehow you did it slip by yeah just slip through whatever with just the stinkiest diarrhea splattered butt like what are you okay like when you're doing like the like a juice machine like uh you know it's like you're pouring a slurpee it's not it's coming back up sometimes and that's gross in itself but if you just leave it because it doesn't stick to your bum like unless how high is your toilet right like like you don't get any yeah like you don't get any splatter

are you on a 15 foot high bowl and that's the only that's the only way i can think of this maybe being okay it's no it's not okay it's like a porta potty there's just a big hole it falls into and so it just goes there and you don't get any issues with it bouncing around in there um but just calling it quits because it doesn't stick to your butt or your bum no way okay the the only way that i can maybe justify this is if it's like you know if he's sick or something and after you've pretty much shit everything out it's kind of just water squirting out of your ass yeah even i'm not i'm not okay condemned condoning condemned i'm condemning i'm not condoning but maybe that's maybe some something like that was going on where he's just like oh it's not shit yeah you know it's still

gonna stink it still came out of your orifice but fuck i hate it no it's there but there's there's no no no there's no way i'm like i'm trying to find a way to defend this guy this is in a related topic but nothing to do with this this uh this petty beef in particular but let's talk about when you go poop how close you are to a shower does that determine how well you wipe like if you're going right into the shower afterwards yeah what do you do do you go for determine how well you wipe? Like if you're going right into the shower afterwards, what do you do? Do you go for like a, do you just give up?

And you're like, well, I'm just getting a shower anyway. Yes. Okay. So before that, did you find yourself altering your, your habits just because you're going to be taking a shower?

Yeah. You give it one wipe or no wipe. Cause you're getting right in. I would still, still wipe it down. But if there was some, like, I'm not going to like,

you know, go to town. You're not going to clean it yeah yeah mr clean mr clean would you break up if you found out that your love interest right was spent her entire life or his entire life doing diarrheas and then not wiping afterwards and thinking that's fine would you be would you go would that be too much i don't know i've never broke up with somebody before yeah but would this be enough like a stinky and it smelled that's that's something else too like you're during lovemaking you know it just smells like Depends on how much good is on the other side of it. Yeah. You better be.

She's a 10. She's a 10, but she doesn't wipe after diarrhea. God, dude. So guys will put up with a lot more like female. I feel like that would be easier. Guys will, you'll put up with a lot of stuff if they're, you know. If someone's touching you? Yeah.

If someone is sitting next to you and having conversations with you. If someone's willingly gets naked with you. You could just bee poop. Yeah. But if we have sex, if I can hump a bag of diarrhea oh i'm gonna do it what he's not i don't know i think that might be too much i guess it depends on when you found out too i mean you already yeah you're you kids deep yeah i guess like and and i and i'm wondering here like was this a one-time thing when it, like, he just did it and like, why don't you wipe?

It's like, you know, it's just diarrhea. It's not sticking to my butt. But if it's like a thing that he's done his whole life, like, that's his thing. Like, if it's diarrhea, I'm not wiping. I'm just, I'm out. Just like, it's something. It's just my family's proud of. It's on our crest.

His family, like, works in a, like, a toilet paper factory. So it's this weird,'s on our crest his family like works in a like a toilet paper factory so it's just weird like conserving yeah yeah it's like they know they know how much paper is wasted on diarrhea and they pray at night well if they work for they want it to be used right well yeah maybe whatever not for this story they're holding hands at dinner at night like okay let's you know bless the food blah blah blah thank you jesus and what do we always say if it's diarrhea don't wipe that's right what do we always say we always say if it's diarrhea and then the kids say we don't wipe that's right amen enjoy your casserole fucking whatever uh so yeah just wipe your butt after diarrhea i think we're all there if you if you have some rebuttal

you get it that we're missing send it in if anything comes out wipe your butt after diarrhea. I think we're all there. If you have some rebuttal, you get it, that we're missing, send it in. If anything comes out of your butt, wipe it. Right? Yeah. Probably. Well, farts. What if you're so crazy? That's so funny to me.

After you fart, you wipe your butt? I've had to sometimes. Well, yeah, you're scared. You're doing a little check. But you just wipe your butt. You just have some wet wipes that you carry with you all the time? She's a 10, but she wipes after she farts. Okay, let's take a look at some good stuff.

All right. All right. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. doomed yeah can you play drums yes i actually went to college on a percussion scholarship oh i cannot i suck at drums now it's just it's not like riding a bike kind of but not all the fills are gone and little tappy taps i guess you can play just a general thing but yeah i could play't there. I could play in a band. I could not show off.

If you're like, drum solo, I'd be like, you do it. I just don't have, I've lost that, the next level part of it. I was never that good, but good enough to get a scholarship. There's so many people that are better than me. Let me just say that. Maybe this guy's better than you. Probably could be. Which guy?

This guy. A man runs out of gas on interstate, sets up drum kit to kill time. This is amazing. On Tuesday morning, a man driving on the Baltimore Beltway ran out of gas. So he did what anyone would do. What Joe would do. Hey! He pulled over to the shoulder on the I-695, set up his drum kit and began to play until help arrived.

According to the Baltimore Sun, Maryland state troopers eventually spotted the drummer and pulled over to investigate. He told the troopers he decided to kill time by practicing. The troopers bought the man's story, called the state highway administration, chucked a refill of his tank, and then sent him on his way without issuing a citation. Police spokesman didn't identify the mystery drummer. You better. Well, you can make him give him a citation. Police spokesman didn't identify the mystery drummer. You better. Well, you can make him give him a ticket. God damn. Sorry, we're going to have to cite you for...

I hate to do this. Drums. We're going to cite you for being shitty at drums. What do you write on the reason for citation? Bad. Drumming. Off tempo? Not my tempo?

Yeah. Okay, fine. It's five bucks, and the reason tempo not my tempo yeah okay fine it's five bucks and the reason it's not my tempo yeah okay fine that's the only one but i love the little line in here where it's like in the troopers bought it like what do you what else is he doing like are you playing guitar no playing drums he goes okay let it slide let it slide. I'll let it slide. But it really looks like you're playing guitar. Nope. Just the drum set. What a, I mean, awesome.

Great. Love it. I've been in a situation where, yeah, I've gotten like the guitar out and played. I waited for AAA. Never set up a drum set. But- They were painting the ass to set up. That's why, basically why I quit playing drums.

I quit fucking carrying them around. Singing and having a guitar is way easier than when we played shows. It was like our drummer just every time he was like, we had to carry his shit in. Like he'd bring this whole fucking drum set, like carrying all this stuff in. And then we're hammered. And he just uses the hi-hat snare, one cymbal and a kick drum. What songs were you playing? I mean, Highway to Hell.

Me? No. This guy on the side of the interstate. Highway to Hell. Life is a Highway. Life is a Highway. Yeah. Life is a Highway.

What is the... I'm gonna ride it. Yeah. What's the name of that? Is that called Life Highway? I don't know what the official name is. It doesn't matter. But all the Highway songs.

Roots' I Can't know if the official name is. It doesn't matter. But all the highway songs. Roots' I Can't Drive 55. So I picture him playing that, but then also just screaming over the drums. And I'm sure you've seen the video of the guy that turned his motorcycle into a drum set. Yes. Okay. Because that one's also awesome. Way cooler than what this guy did. Way cooler.

If you haven't seen that, I'm guessing if you look up motorcycle drum set, there can't be a lot of them. But how annoying is that, too? That type of guy? I mean, cool. It's great. I don't want to see you off your motorcycle drum set. Because there's no way you're going to be just a chill guy. If you're looking for that much attention to drive around your town and play drums while

you're on a motorcycle here we are talking about it right there's no way like we'll find ourselves in a conversation where you either a don't bring that up or you have like it's just like a nice humble thing a little note to add yeah about uh about anything that's being brought up at dinner but uh he won ups he's always one up in people everything he has has a drum set like his kitchen sink a little mini drum set he's washing dishes and then grabs the soap yeah he uses uh he used the spoons yeah right all right let's uh let's move on to something that, I mean, I've been waiting for this for a long time. Oh, okay.

Okay. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found yes that's awesome all right we've done some some some talking on this show about mowing lawns right you love it it's like you can't wait to get home put some new patterns in your grass i'm so excited for spring you just

so can't wait to get out my backyard is a fucking disaster right now anybody who lives by wants to make some money come do my lawn but this is like the next level and this has been in talks for a really long time and it's taken a long time to develop because i mean this thing fucks up one time just you take one time and it's gone. This company's gone. But the company, it's in the Kickstarter phase right now. Heisenberg. Heisenberg. And it's an all-in-one robot mower that has vision, AI, will track your entire yard. And it goes back to its own charging port outside.

It's like a Roomba. Yeah, it's a Roomba for your grass. And when they... A Roomba. outside a room but yeah it's a room but for your grass and when they i love when they got going they're they're looking for ten thousand dollars right and they're 1.5 million that's crazy right so people are pumped about this there's 10 000 away from 1.5 million i know which is sweet i mean fucking awesome until they get a lawsuit and lose it all and i'm not gonna play the video i will say that was it was not lost on me that the amount of money they've raised and then the video they

made to promote this product is fucking shit well because they didn't have the money when they made the video the camera work i mean it's okay but the audio is so bad and the acting is terrible just get them out just move on show the product like we don't need this guy being like well deborah what the best thing about and then the auto is like like it gets super blown out from time to time like guys how well as a media producer you're yeah and an audio guy it's like well let me show you in the love mic like it's really close and then it goes back away and it's oh man um but this thing yeah it'll do your whole lawn the job and how cool was that like the roomba fine i mean room was aren't that great i'm waiting for a better someone's going to

come along and make a better roomba like when you get a notification are you really complaining about a roomba it? It vacuums your fucking house for you. It does not a good job. You ever get a text alert that says, I'm stuck? Yeah. What year is it? What year

is it? How about, Roomba, I don't have to put a little laser up that says don't go here. How about like knock your dog food dishes. And suck the rug into my mouth and then go, I'm stuck. Like, yeah, because you ate a rug, you fucking idiot. It's like we have this little table in our living room area and it always gets stuck on. It's like.

Like, so whatever is next, bring it on. Come on. We need like one that can pick itself up. Just does a better job. Duts itself off. Yeah. And then when it's broken and we got a new one, it knows it and it puts itself in the trash can.

We just need C-3PO pushing a lawnmower. Right. But until we get that, I am pumped about this thing. I'm sure they're going to be real cheap. Yeah. But back to where i started you get heisenberg and other companies that are doing this like lawnmeister um they know you get one mistake one fucking cat goes in this ai lawnmower you're never gonna be able to like to absorb that

public shit show of being like, I mean, they're great. How many cats he sucked up? One. That's okay. Fuck it. Not buying it. But it does.

It has a. Well, this video is showing that it's going towards a dog. Yeah. And it doesn't vacuum up the dog. Yeah. Of course, it's going to run over some hoses. There's going to be a little learning curve for the AI robot. Or it goes out in the street

like it just loses itself just going down the street it goes on the curb traffic goes on the curb just you're like fuck and then you did it like i'm stuck yeah you look out there it's like chopped through a pole some kids some kids laying there with his leg cut off i'm stuck yeah he's bike sideways blood everywhere and you're stuck ai i'm stuck ai lawnmower ran over a toddler like oh no uh i wonder if that would be your fault or heisenberg's anyway so i'm excited for the future they're gonna figure that out we're never gonna have to mow lawns again yay i can't wait all right say it here from the kids? Yeah. Oh, God. Yanni? Am I boring you? No, I am sleeping like shit.

All right, let's hear it from the children. Okay. All right. Thank you, God. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

Email time. This was sent in by our daughter,ney who writes hey step daddies for some reason britney just i don't that name just always sounds sexy to me i think you said that last time we had a britney right in but i think it was maybe with one t i don't know what it is probably britney spears it's been bedded in your life like that she was so she's kind of a wreck now though kind of that was nice of you. Hey, stepdaddies. So I was listening to Juice Clan's tampon fork unicycle today on my way to work. Yeah, sorry, I'm behind.

I can no longer listen when I'm at work. They updated the safety policy because everyone started degloving themselves. She did not write that. Updated the safety policy and we can no longer have headphones in while we're on the floor. So I have to listen in the car when I'm at home working on my crochet or playing my games. Anyway, back to the story. A whole paragraph of apologizing. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So I was listening to that episode and Joe read the story about the tampon being in the vaginal hole and such. The rotten sled. Yep. It was the rotten sled story. Yeah, that whole thing.

That whole thing. Yeah. Once again, it is on Urban Dictionary. So if you want to go give it a little upvote, you totally can. Well, I have my own story. Not as gross, but just as hilarious. So I was like maybe 16, 17 years old. It was Christmas Eve.

So we were having the big old family get over, you know, a little gathering. And this year it was bigger than usual, too. We had rented out a tampon. Yeah. The vagina. What? We had rented out a hall for the evening. There was a whole bunch of people that I didn't even know Because they were on my stepdad's side of the family

Or my stepsister's friends She was like That sounds like a porn 13 years older than me Yeah, this is how it all starts Brassers I had started my cycle earlier this week Plus I had a job at Subway

So I just left my job Because we closed early And I was at the party So I changed my tampon actually right before I left and we closed up. Well, I went into the bathroom to change it again. Just like your vagina is closed up now. Yeah, like you're supposed to, but there was an issue. It was stuck.

I was pulling on the string, but it wouldn't come out and it hurt like hell. So I pull up my pants and go out to find my mom. I find her and I whisper the problem in her ear. And she looks at me like, you want me to help you with that? Well, my aunt is within hearing distance of my mother and gives whisper the problem in her ear and she looks at me like you want me to help you with that well my aunt is in the hearing within hearing distance of my mother and gives her the questioning looks my mother repeats it to my aunt my mom then looks back at me and is like did you try to pee then take it out i shook my head yes and then it still wouldn't come out and it hurts a lot so now

i have my mom and my aunt in the bathroom with me trying to get this tampon out of my vagina i'm crying because it hurts my aunt ends up ends up leaving the bathroom and comes back with butter of all things to put up there what butter way to get it out just grease it up 20 minutes later and some butter and more peeing we got this totally white cotton thing with a string out of my vagina and i'm in pain and crying and can't sit right for the rest of the night hope you enjoy stepdaughter britney excuse my excuse my ignorance here but isn't the tampon up up the vagina isn't the pee hole on it's like on the outside yeah it's a whole different hole yeah so what would pee i don't know moisten it i don't know i guess she wasn't wet enough something to get it out yeah yeah the old broken fire what hurt down there mom and aunt didn't yeah i just get her wet enough to

i just love like the idea of being like she's like checking their pockets like you got anything oh and she leaves and just comes back with the like one of those little cubes of butter she goes in the fridge or something yeah like he's got any butter. A plastic knife? What for? Well, my niece has a tampon stuck in her vagina and we're going to just butter it out of there. Oh, yeah. No problem. What's your response to that? We have a used one in the fridge. Use that one first.

Reminds me of a little bit of the, what was it? Myself and Mary. What was it? When the balls get caught in it and then everybody. Yeah. The beans above the frank. You got the beans above the frank you got something about mary yeah oh that's what and the firefighter like calling people over to all take a look at it me myself and mary i just combined me myself and i'm killing it uh all right we want to get the second one just uh again uh on the ignorance factor

wonder what kind of paint like where what's the pain if someone right in if you're female and you use a tampon what kind of pain is it and where it's stuck why is it hurting yeah why what's it hitting to make it hurt um i'm just curious like irritate i don't know yeah irritated because she said it was like it was she was crying because it hurt so like expand or something like what's the pain like couldn't i don't know i don't know i wish like times like this i wish i had a vagina because it's not stretching that's hurting it i imagine it's like the something inside that's yeah some irritation and something's blocking it okay let's read this other one then we'll get off to the the bonus butter shit yeah it was just the butter

it was uh can't believe it's not butter it's margarine cheese whiz mar it's like they gotta get out fabio to help yep all right that'd wetten her up probably fucking fabio all right hey guys i'm catching up on episodes i heard you talking about female teachers having sex with male students yeah we were talking about that well what if i was to tell you i was a female student that had a male teacher that a male teacher had a crush on okay she was a person okay it was my senior year of high school oh should i read this like a like a book that fabio's on the cover of or that one lady that had her picture taken yeah and put it on there without her knowing i was working backstage of uh that

year's musical so lots of hours of hanging out school backstage this one male teacher i don't even remember his name and i wasn't in any of his classes but he was in his early 20s just started talking we laughed and hang out we'd laugh and hang out a lot. Got to know each other, and then it turned weird. But remember, I was dumb and only 18. He started to leave me with handwritten notes at the water fountain outside of his class. Does that sound like one of your books? This was in the 90s. He would tell me the time to go pick up the notes.

I'd get out of my class and get a drink or use the restroom. Then he'd take me on some dates. Quotes. To just hang out. Then one day, he did take me to his house. Oh, boy. We did not have sex, but we did kiss, and he rubbed some of my barely lady areas. Oh, man.

Just like rubbing her. Yikes. After that, I started to realize It was just too weird But not before I got him to buy me A handful A handle of vodka For after prom He came over to my house

To drop off this giant thing of vodka I was trying to Let him down nicely And tell him I wasn't interested in him any longer But again remember I was young and dumb He wasn't understanding at first Until I With both hands Launched a baseball bat At his car any longer but again remember i was young and dumb he wasn't understanding at first until i

with both hands launched a baseball bat at his car oh man luckily he backed up his car in time and didn't and didn't hit it but i think he got the point after that anyways that's my story bye p.s please don't say my name okay we didn't Thanks Thanks Yeah with 40 exclamation points Creepy That's creepy Yeah Yeah I mean I guess I left you something out at the drinking fountain

What a weird What is he doing? He's like hey you know what I'm gonna just put this in the public place What? If someone gets there first They might see it I have a locker no it's not risky

enough i'm gonna put it right here on this fire alarm i'm gonna tape it to this this exit sign i'm gonna put it on the board you have a bolted board it'll have an arrow pointing to it it'll say from mr clark johnson or whatever his name is i gotta hope that's not his name and you'll know right yeah exactly you'll know you know which ones are for me okay okay you got it to so and so from but that to that to the to the home i love how he's just he's just like we didn't have sex but he was rubbing my barely legal parts my baby barely legal lady parts uh i had a teacher that uh dated a student oh yeah guy teacher girl i mean no one caught them but we found out later and then she graduated uh she got her pregnant and they got married i think they're still together that sounds like the american eternal

story yeah but he's like he was not in his early 20s he was like 40 and she was 18 at the age fun i mean some people are just into older people some people are into younger people i know as long as it's consensual right yeah i mean none of my business i don't care i'm not friends with you i'm not going to their house for dinner i'm gonna fuck yeah do whatever you want some ladies just like they're like a mature they don't want to mess with children. They want to mess with a mature man who knows what he wants. Yeah. Because women mature fast. And will die.

Yeah. And leave her with their fortune. With money. Yeah. Something like that. That's a big gap though. Like when you're 40 and they're 65, just like the later years with that big of a gap are going to become real weird. A little shady.

Okay. Well, that's. Yeah. I mean, that's your mom or your dad's age. All right. Well, that's show 42. I had a fun time. We ripped right through.

We're heading out of here. I was going to make a. A tampon out of a vagina. I fucking knew it. If you want to hear all the extra content on the back end of all of our episodes, just sign up on Patreon, patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Become a part of the gaggle. Honk with us.

Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. Got a YouTube channel. And then something you want to see on the show, an article, a confession, whatever it is, petty beef. Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com. That's where you send it. Then rate and review the show. And thanks to the babysitters that moderate our Facebook page, our little group in there, the Playground.

Thank you. Keep the kids in line. Keep the kids in line. A little ruler. No knuckles. No tackle football. No. Touch, two-hand touch.

Two-hand touch when I'm looking. And when I turn my back, y'all start tackling each other. Yeah, blast them. Alright, I got a joke for you. Alright, let's hear it. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Hey, Brian, did I tell you

I can't take my dog on walks along the beach anymore? Why not? I mean, he just keeps getting attacked by the ducks, which, you you know probably because he's purebred wait hold on oh purebred you you emphasize pure that's why i didn't catch the bread part of your bread yeah it was purebred pretty funny it's all about emphasis it is pretty funny did he get it up six or get home safely you know he lost some chunks yeah that's it all right guys that must be rough yeah all right we'll see you guys after the show and if not we'll see you next week Outro Music