Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Vegas Hooker. Spaghetti. Poisonous. Sorry Bud.

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

Some sad news to share on the show today but... everything will be ok. Let's talk about that, Bryan continues to be fucking awful at math, when does spaghetti become spaghetti and not just tomato noodles, ice cubes made from piss in the house you're staying at, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/doPwY9Y-eXwSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Vegas hooker, spaghetti, poisonous. Sorry, bud. Need this therapy session today, boys. Fucking need it! I see you crack the fucking beard. It's what noon? Five o'clock somewhere, I guess.

Is it noon? Oh, it's almost one. Oh, I'm good. What time zone is five hours? I'm not an alcoholic. What'd you say? I was wondering what time zone five hours ahead is. It's probably right in the middle of the Atlantic.

Yeah. No, I know what time that makes it. I'm saying what where is it five o'clock. Yeah, I feel like Atlanta. Some island that's hanging out over there. Maybe like a sliver of Iceland. Hmm. Yeah, I guess over there. Maybe Greenland right now. Yeah. And if you're in the North Pole, you're just like, do I get all the time zones? You're probably drinking all the time anyway if you're at the North Pole.

Yeah, you got to stay warm some out. We'll get into why I'm drinking a beer. in a little bit. Not out beer, that's number two, isn't it? Is this number two? Oh, no. It's a lightweight. We look down there and there's just a

can of Zinn, beer cans. How are we, how we, how are we going to show if you want. This is good. I need this. We get to the, what are you thinking about? We'll talk about it. But just, yeah, just one of those

where Brad is actually like, you sure, like you want to record today? I am. You sure about that? I am. You sure about that? I'm sure about that. That's why.

So we'll talk about it. Episode 197 of the Can You Don't Podcast, sending your content. Hey, guys, at Can You Know Podcast.com. I feel like we got a little push recently over there on Patreon. So thank you guys so much for signing up being a part of the gaggle. You know what I've noticed, Joe? What is it? People are, they took a little break during the holidays.

Who got a few emails lately. People are like, hey, I'm getting caught up on the show since the holidays. I was poor. Now I'm rich. Yeah. They're coming. Everyone's starting to come back. Spring is sprung.

Get in here. Let's go. Let's support this, dude. Oh, yeah, brother. Yeah, we work on our way through the old honkathon. You got goals set. It's all that stuff. But outside of just reaching the goals of the honkathon, it's the number one way to support

the show. And you get them early, and they're ad-free, and you get the 100 billion hours of bonus content. Boter content? Yeah, sure. Sure. I've been hard before. I'm hard now. Yeah, that's how you get it.

It's right there. And you can pick whatever tiers right for you, the 5, 10, 15, and then every now and again, the $100 golden goose slot will open up. But again, that's at patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Should we just get into this shit? I mean, why the fuck not? What's stopping us? Me crying? Maybe Zach pushing a button.

Oh, yeah, you do that. I'll do this. Okay. Hey, shut up. Start the show already. And if anyone's worried, if everyone, like, you worry about me. Oh, I thought you're going to say, if anyone's wondering what I'm drinking, you're like you were going to do a little plug.

I was. I was going to say, if you're worried about me, it's an 805, which I think it's a 5%. I'm going to, I'll be fine. Is that low? That's pretty low, isn't it? What? Like a good IPA is what? Oh, it's a 4.7.

Dude. Dude, my, my, uh... I can have 12 of these and still get hard. My high, uh, high interest CDs is higher than that. What's the limit in Utah? I don't know if you can have that in Utah. What? I don't know.

Keep going. Another reason I don't live in Utah. Why do I sound like I live in a cave? Oh yeah. I moved. I know. I moved all the all the like guitars and foam and things that weren't like whatever. Nothing will absorb the sound.

So now there's nothing out there where Zach is. Let's get ready to roll. All right. Let's get into it. This is a fun one. There's a good discussion to have here. if there were 1,000 that's a fair amount

small white tablets all lined up on a table how big are the tablets ah let's go like aspirin aspirin it's a nice little yeah not like an iPad oh yeah yeah yeah like a pill I hadn't considered a device

but not that kind of tablet 1,000 small white pills on a table and then each one that you ate, you earn $100,000. But one of them is poisonous and will kill you. How many would you eat? Only one of them? Only one out of a thousand.

Oh my God. I'd eat them all until I died. You would eventually would go one too many. Well, yes, correct. Whoops. You don't know when that's going to be. Zach, that was my first thought. But not just that.

It was the back end of, after I eat it and it is not poisonous and I am not dead, is that money like automatically put into my account or if I eat too much and I die, then I get nothing. Because if I can eat 200 of them and then 201, that one little thing, I got a little greedy and it kills me, do my kids get $2 million? I think it's got a race, right? It's not in the question, though. I think it has to, because you're... Clarify. Yeah, but you eat it. It's taken it.

But why? But why can't you show like this? And they just go like, like a game show. It's like, bim-it-it-it. Like, that's your bank. You got it. So you made it through one. And that money gets to, like, is now in your possession.

So when you die, your kids are taken care of. And they get that money. Because that right there changes my entire approach to, to 1,000 small pills on a table. And other things I hate about my mom. I was going to say, this kind of sounds like a cry for help. This is a little bit. Everybody's good.

Everybody's good. My mom also doesn't, she's not a drug out of her. I thought it was funny to say. I want to write a book about keep. It's going to be a book called keeping up with my mom and other things I hate. I saw why that's always been so funny to me. Because my mom walks so fast, like everywhere we go. So the whole, this, the title of the book is keeping up with my mom.

and other things I hate. Slow it out. Dude, you have no idea. She's a wrecking ball on snowshoes. So, my wife's like that. Yeah.

Five foot three. Like I say, I just hold on. I have to hold on my mom's coat. I'm like, where, why?

I can't even figure out where my wife gets the speed from these tiny little legs. And it's like, yeah, it's just, she's on a mission. Yeah.

Okay. So 1,000 odds are, I mean, they're pretty good. You could get through. Let's define a number together that we feel comfortable with. I mean, the odds are in your favor to eat at all, but you never know. You just never know. It could be the third one. Yeah. Because you could eat mathematically 100 of them, and that makes it a 1 in 10. So that also puts it in perspective. Because 1 in 10 is nuts. You know, I'm not fucking with a 1 in 10. Mm-hmm. That's kind of what this is. Like, if you get through 100, now you've whittled down to put yourself in a one-and-ten type situation. How much is $100 a million? Or, uh, whoa, what?

Is $100 pills? It's $100 a million? Yes, 100 pills. Wait, I need to look at the thing again. You don't need to look at anything. There are a hundred, there are a thousand small, and you get 100K. So if you eat 10 of them, you get a million dollars. Yes, correct.

So the 10 out of the odds are still in your head heavily in your favor to eat another 10 And then it comes down to like coin flips two million eventually Like and you have so much money Well how much would set up your family forever? Would a million dollars? I mean if they're smart with it What would they rather have you are a hundred million? Well not a hundred million you were a million you were a million dollars Oh man I mean I try to be a good dad

but I bet you they'd rather have a million. That's a better dad. They gotta split it. They don't have a million. They have to split it. All right. No. And you know how many,

I mean, Ezra's going to need to build a big shop to house all of his scoreboards and weather equipment. Scoreboards add up too, pretty quickly. If he's got 500K, a large portion of that is going to scoreboards.

Hardware and. in light bulbs. About a million? The only warehouse that has a ski lift to look at scoreboards. God. What a tour strap. See, what I think about is like, if I, let's say,

the world's biggest ski lift scoreboard warehouse? The world's biggest, the first and only. The first and only. The first and only. Biggest. Right off I-90. Blink and you'll miss it. First of what's kind.

And live this is. weekend, Zach Flannery. I was just going to say, and Zach's just drooling you. Dude, I can play... When an RV. I can rock the roof off that place.

Holy shit. Guys, this is like the best promotional idea. I've never seen any ski resort do. Imagine. Oh, ha! Guys!

You sure you want to say it? Yes. You're riding, so there's a ski mountain. If you're familiar with ski lifts, I think everybody is. If you're not, look it up where you're, get on the ski lift, okay?

And there's different musicians going down the mountain as you're going up and they play your songs. And they have a little portable speaker and they sit there and they play music to you that goes really slow. So you get to hear every single musician on the way up and then the way down, they go back up.

I wish you would step back from that ledge. And then eventually is like, you could. And then you can hear the next fucking guy fade in. So they're coming the opposite direction. Yes. People throw in dollars and change at them as they go by.

Good song, good job, bro. Yeah, they're wearing hats with QR codes. You can send them a tip. Dude, this is why I will never be president. I thought this was going to be a good idea. This is a great idea. I don't know. It's cold.

I don't want to be around. It's going to drop a guitar. Sounds like you need an 805. Loosen up. No. Get real. The business model alone. Is what, free? Yeah, I guess if it's just tip-based. Yeah.

If you're not paying the musicians to... And just the social media attention you would get for a carousel fucking concert. Okay. Anyway, back to the question. I think I could confidently get through... I could get through 10. Yeah. But you'd still...

I don't know. Confidently, though. I could confidently eat 10. I don't know. Are they flavored? The odds are heavily in your... favor, but there's still the one chance that you get to give up and get out of this fucking shit hole?

You know. I wonder if we talked about this last week, how much different Joe's answer would be. He's looking for reason out right now. That's what I want. I'm happy. So far it sounds like it. I'm happy now. I'm sad in a way that we're going to talk about, but I'm very happy now.

I don't want to get out of here. I'm good. Okay. Future's bright. because you're so brown, I got to eat pills off a table. I don't know. Yeah, it's one, like, how did I get into this prediction? So you're thinking, like, what?

Would you not even touch it? Because you're scared? I'd just be like, no, thank you. Well, no, that's why your stipulation of the kids get to keep it changes it. Oh, yeah. Because I think if I ate 10 of them, that's a million dollars, you take $500,000 and you throw that. And some high interest saving shit. And over the next, I mean,

like kids are, you never have to work a day in their life. Or you could eat 10 and leave your family. You know, so that's something to see them grow up, though. It's webcams. Zoom call.

That's enough. I'll be dead, though. I can't Zoom call from the group. You eat 10. You get a million. You leave your family. Zoom call your kids. Wait, I thought it said you die.

If you eat the wrong one. What? What is happening? Brian? You stop a 10 and you don't die. What the fuck? No, you don't have to keep going. Yeah.

What? Oh my God. Have we been talking? Did you miss here the entire thing? And we're talking about two different things. No, if you... You can live through this. Right.

Yes. So you could eat 10, get a million dollars. Got it. I got it. And leave the table. Yeah, but you're talking about Zoom calls and not seeing your kids grow up. That's just a personal preference. That's what I was saying.

The odds of, uh, I wanted to see them grow up. up. So it would be nice to give them money, but there's a chance I eat the bad one and I die and I don't get to see him grow up. Well, yeah, I know. That's why I said, or the alternate is that you take your million and just leave your family. Oh, see, I miss how you said that. I didn't, I misunderstood how you said that. So I would just keep the money and leave my family. Like, what if you ate 999 and didn't die? That's great. How much money is that? So much money. Isn't that a billion? It's got to be.

Is that nine bill? It's, what is that? Is that compounded? Ooh, with the interest, throw it in a banking room. See,

it could just be nine hundred and ninety nine. Yeah, it's 99 million, right? 900, it's almost a billion for each one, right? 100,000, yeah.

No, you get a thousand for each pill. 100,000. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. That's what's crazy. It's like there are guys with billions and billions of dollars.

like this puts in perspective the rules were unclear and you ate all of them and didn't die and still died oh you're like like there's one left and everyone's clapping and you just pick it up and eat it that was easy they're like no you won you're like

no now I have see ya can you gag yourself if you don't yeah if you don't get to keep the money I would I mean I I'd be tempted to pick up one. See, that's the, that, that changes it.

Yeah. I don't want to leave my kids. Yeah. If I'm going to die, if, if I get to bank it, obviously that changes things. I want them to be set up for life. And no one actually cares in fucking a decade. I will be a distant memory. And they still have a whole lot of life to live.

So that changes everything. If you don't get to bank it, I would pop in there for one. Like, just sit down, just take it. just take a little taster. Because a hundred thousand would be great right now. You know, that'd be a cool trick. Deal or no deal?

Do I? So the bank makes you the offer. Yeah. Say it's 400 grand. And you, you refuse the offer, you choose another case, you get the bad one,

and you're stuck with that money. I think that complicates things if we keep it that way, where you could win a billion dollars. But if you die, Or you diet's gone. It's gone. So now your family lost you and they don't get any money. So it would make you eat like 300K.

Like we could do a lot with 300K. Dude, this is the best game show. Remember. Can you imagine like watching live? Family is in the crowd. They're in the crowd. They're in the crowd. They're going to watch you.

And they're talking about your hobbies and bringing your friends in from college. As you eat pills off a table. You're sitting on sitting on. sitting in a chair. And you put it in. The music's just like, shoo-bum-d-d-p-d-b-d-d- Yeah.

And you're just like, and then you're like, you swallow and everyone's waiting and you're like, all right, ding-ing, that's another, it's just like, yes,

it's like, $400,000. All right. It's like, all right. So, Joe, how much, how much is it? So you have $400,000 for your family.

You could take this money and leave with your family with $400,000. Until the IRS gets a hold of all of it. Oh, yeah, there's that too. Let's pretend that the IRS isn't watching. They get all of it. But if you eat one more, your kids have to watch you die live on TV. What's it going to be? The button wasn't pushing.

And what if they went out to your wife? She's like, what should he do? He should walk away right now and you just, run over there and grab a handful. I'm never going home! She hits me! But if you, I mean, that would be, that, let's say you live. So she's like, no, he should eat more.

He should eat more. And then let's say you live. Your wife cheering you on to risk your life. Right. This is seriously the best game show that could ever exist. Let's say you end up leaving after like nine. Then you die? And then you go, no, you leave with the money.

But now you have to go home and you're, and you're telling your wife, you're like, I could have been out of that. with 400 grand you forced me to do five more pills. But you didn't, sweetie. Now we have 900,000 dollars. Yeah, but I could have been fucking dead. Well, you're not. Well, you're not, and I knew that.

I had a feeling my lucky number's nine. Okay. God, this would be the best. You die, and it just cuts to an Arby's commercial. Like, that's the best. Like, ooh, wrong one. Roast beef, roast beef, roast beef, we got the meat.

Wopper, Wopper, Wopper, Wopper, Wopper. Yeah, you eat the wrong one. He was like, like the family's like, oh God, it's like, we'll be right back of this commercial break. Yeah. And they just bringing you

like some other family. The next contestant. And I would watch the whole thing. What position did you play? And then the new stipulation is, it's like you, or maybe it's the same game, but I'm just making this up as I go.

So you could say like, well, you can inherit his money, but now there are two, pills in the thing. So your odds got a little bit worse, but you already have the $400,000 a yet, but now your odds are worse.

Instead of the banker, it's the pharmacist from dealer, no deal? He's up in the room. He's up in his own special room. I'm pacing around just trying to kill you. He double-dosed this one. He's like, you're looking at your kids and they're like, do, the whole crowd's like, do it? You swallow

a butter of pills and die? You know the scene in Game the Thrones when Joffrey dies? Yeah. Where he's laying on the ground and his eyes are basically, he's bleeding out of his eyes and his veins are popping in his face. Joffrey dies? Son of him. Spoiler alert.

It's been long. But that, like, just picturing that on live TV with your family watching. And then the money. With a master's commercial in the corner? But the. Augusta. See, Augustine Ash.

Yeah. The most prestigious tournament. You're just fucking, like your kids' tears are hitting your face as you bleed out of your eyes. Daddy! Tune in. April 4. The money counters going back to zero. Wow.

Our next contestant. A couple guys, you know, with a stretcher. Just pick you up. Just drag you out. Throw in a dumpster. They pull up in a black van. I think. I think I could get away with 10 without being worried about my kids.

I don't care about dying. Like, money's not that important. It's just like, whatever. There's always money. There's jobs. You figure it out. But it'd be awesome to be in a spot to set your kids up. Yeah, with like a nice little thing where...

The problem is... And they can fuck it, but they could also not fuck it. And that's just kind of how it goes. The problem is if we go to the way where you don't get the money... I'm still eating 10. to 20. You not only do they not get the money, but you're also not there. It's not about necessarily you dying.

It's that you're, yeah, you're letting them down. Yeah, you're letting your whole family down. And your wife who made a plan for you to be there to, you know, it's like, or I'm giving them an origin story. And they're going to be an Olympic athlete. That's true. They're going to be a great bobsledger. But think of how much a couple hundred thousand dollars would go towards like bobsledding

camp and stuff. Like, quarter million to curling camp. Uh-huh. that can't be cheap those brooms you gotta have ice like the ice is always have to have ice

I'm picking 10 to 20 okay I'm gonna find the middle ground okay well 10 to 20 whether I get to bank it or don't so what are you picking I'm gonna get it Zach I'm gonna grab 500

eat them all at once and see what happens okay oh you just grab grab five and eat them 500 I mean that's a coin flip and that's fine 500 yeah I thought you maybe you're going for the 500 K

no 500 so 500 That's a smart move It's a coin flip I mean at this point What are we fucking doing here Zach's gonna go in And die

Yeah basically No but if he doesn't Like he just created like There's going to be awards In his name Yeah I think if you eat 10 and get a million dollars Then you're

Everyone would be pleased with that We were watching Beast games And with the family And you start talking about like Would you give up your teammates for the million dollars if you know get bribed and all that kind of shit like you want to be the good teammate but at some point it my wife she's like if you run that show and you didn't take that million i'd be so pissed so the idea of eating 10

getting a million and bailing out yeah the problem is is what after the end of the game they said okay let's see which how many more could you they're like eat eat eat and then we'll tell you when the bad one is so you're like i could have eaten 400 more before i got to the bad one and then they just gave you a gun to kill yourself. Yeah. So you die anyway, but at least your family is as a million dollars. They show you how bad you fucked up and hand you a 9 millimeter.

They're like, do it. The crowd just ch- fucking your... And it's always some it's the people watching at home are like, you fucking eat more. Like, you're not the one... You walked you walked away with $300,000. If you blow your brains out right now, we'll give your family $10 million. And just watching dads crying,

blowing their brains out. On live TV. cuts to a Whopper commercial? The new Whopper Wopper Wapper Wapper Wapper Wapper Wapper Wapper Wapper Wapper Wapper Wapper Wapper You roll Do do do It cuts back to another

It doesn't matter It doesn't better With the mentos Oh man The Masters I think 10 10's a good number Because it's like

Well, Zach's at 500 So where's that He's crazy I knew he was crazy I wanted to pick a question to start today's episode just to find out how nuts Zach was. And we just learned a lot. Well, we're about to find out something about you too. I'm going to know.

Zach? Yeah, you ready? Hmm. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? I'm pregnant. again flush it out um so I was talking

I was talking to to Aaron my ex-wife kind of feels like and what it's been you want to try it again I'm just thinking back

like it's been so long um four years today about just like how long 17 years is right

and then I was also calculating the comparisons of our life and this podcast and our friendship and how these things just like keep kind of lining up, right? Like, yeah, things happen. People die. Got it. But then, like, you lost your dog. Zach had to put his dog to sleep. And then just before recording this podcast, I had to put our dog to fucking sleep. And that's fun. Fuck Like Just get out of here

And just lay in there And look in this old Doggo And then just picturing What he's been through with us Like I am When you got him I'm not really

Like not even the same arena Of a person that I was When we bought him out of a box So we have like There's a a fun event in Cordillane called Cardalane I mean of course it is

and it's nothing but fist fights and muscle cars, dude and it's awesome there's always a helicopter trying to find someone like it's great like it is if you miss Mullets come to Cardalane

because you'll you'll be full you'll be all set fulfilled you'll be like I've seen enough like it is that event and it is a lot of fun, but it's a huge classic car show,

whatever. And they have a whole parade and that's a shit show every year. And they just keep doing it. It's great. And so... Can't stop now. Dude, it's always a problem.

I think they stopped. They're like, that's enough. And then they held off of one year. And then all the mullets were like, no. They went to the city council meetings. I've been growing. I've been growing this for Cardalink. You can't do this.

This is in the Constitution, probably. So anyway, Cardalane, and this is back when Aaron and I were like kind of like first dating, when you look at our 15-year relationship and marriage, you know, straight out of college and I was working at a school that was, like, an alternative, alternative, alternative school. If you got kicked out of everything, including prison, you went to the school. and I was like two years older than these kids. And I'm just like being like, you should listen. And they're like, I should kill you.

Like just gang tattoos. I'm taking away knives and guns. Like just and then take away a, like, yeah, take away a fucking switchblade. And then be like, here, this is eight times eight. Like it just, it was a weird place to be in. I was like, I can't do this forever. But that was the work experience I had when I first left college. I knew what I wanted to do.

But what I did have experience in was running the sports camp for kids with disabilities, and they're like, this school is perfect for you. So I got the job. And then when that year was up, I was like, I'm not doing this anymore. So at the year end party that the school had, I made some great friends at the school that I worked at. The janitor was very Russian. He made his own vodka. And so we got invited over to his house.

how many y'all. He had many scruples. And so I went to his house and we're all there and we're drinking his homemade vodka and I am fucking hammered. And Aaron calls me and she's at Cardalade. And she goes, hey, there's a weeder dog in a box. Do you want it?

We never talked about dogs ever, really. She goes, just a weeder dog in a box, do you want it? And I was like, how much is it? 100 bucks. And I went, fuck yeah. And she goes, all right. and then I got home and she was drunk at Cardalayan

I was drunk with a Russian janitor and my work friends and I got home and I had a tiny weiner dog and that took him out of the box well yeah yeah we picked him up and brought him home and it wasn't until later that I realized I lived in a place that didn't allow dogs

but that was a conversation but vodka doesn't care Vodka's like just get the wiener just when you're offered a wiener box A wiener box Yeah I mean not gonna turn down Dick in a box

I So yeah We're and I was like Oh yeah I'm supposed to have dogs here And I have a fucking weaner dog And then we were told it was a weaner dog Turns out it was a fucking

Jack dick So it was like a mix between Jack Russell and weiner dog Named it after One of my best friends His hometown of Riree Which I know Sounds like an Asian saying Riley

Riree Oh Rire Oh Rory Oh Rari but it's a small town in southern Idaho which actually is where the television was invented if you want to look it up but he's from there

and I always thought it would be a great name for a fucking animal just Rai Rie and so I named him Rai Rie and he has been with us since I was 23 I'm 40 and this fucking jack dick rocket sausage

has just been here the whole time through all the kids like I had the house sit and when I was house sitting again straight out of college he ate a Victorian couch I looked I was like this is I know this is a problem

like it was beautiful I was like someone loved this thing and made it how much is it worth and I remember looking it up and it was like a fucking $13,000 fucking couch 17 years ago

fucking nut it was it was beautiful Beautiful. It was like, red cush, velvet. Just like, oh my God, fuck you. Took hours and hours and hours. And like behind the chewed up cushion that he ate was my fucking dress shoes that he also ate before he ate the couch. And I'm super gluing the cushion together and rotating it inside of the cover. So that they never knew. Maybe no one will notice. They never knew. Got away with it. But he's been through that. Like all the houses in Spokane, that house sitting house, our first house that pepper came through or came home.

from the hospital too and then a little like a little like a skip house where we thought we could maybe buy it and own it didn't work out another rental pregnant with ezra got the other house and ezra's just walking around with us this whole time from 23 to 40 i thought i thought he's gonna die fucking seven years ago he got a softball size lump on the side of his body and i was like well this is it he's like fuck you this he's like i will carry whatever most of malignant tumor this is for the until you're 40

bro but it was really sad I've never been through that I've had like childhood dogs and cats and like something happens and they just like die but I've never been in a spot where you have to make the

judgment call where you're like you know it's fucked up and I think we joked about that on the show I don't know fuck probably half a year ago now where it was like we're just

like, no, you, this is the right thing. And the dog's like, I'm good. Like, you don't know. And that's the part in my brain that was fucking with me was that he does, he has no idea what's happening. He's just like, some new guy came over the house with a needle. Yeah. Yeah.

He's like, wait, why are you guys both here petting me and crying? We haven't seen both of you together in a while. Yeah, it's been a bit. But even that doesn't connect from a dog standpoint. He's like, yeah, it's, you know, it makes sense. This checks out. he doesn't know he's just so tired and hurt

and I remember being over there like a couple weeks ago and his legs hurt so bad he doesn't want to walk down the stairs so he just jumped down a flight of stairs onto his face and I just went whoa

and then Aaron goes he jumped down the stairs and I was like yeah yeah he's been doing that he's been doing that and I was like oh he goes yeah he can't walk down him so he just jumps down

him, which is a really bad alternative to walk down him. But it probably hurt less than every step. It is just face, like full handstand on his face and then go to the bathroom. But yeah, it was, it was really, it was sad. It was, it's really weird. I know a lot of people have been through that where you have to make that call. And the injection goes in and like, just looking at him and he has his eyes and his face and the things that are the dog has and then you watch like the pu-you-you-could

watch it go away the life you can watch it leave and that's fucking nuts and I'm just glad I don't need that in order to come some people do yeah there's serial killers out there and that's the fucked up thing about it is like these thoughts are going through my head because I can't shut my brain off now my brain's thinking about how many dogs have gone missing because some someone had to come about it serial comer comer it was like, I need a dog to I need to kill this thing in order to come. Uh-huh.

So there's just missing pets. They're in a mass grave because this guy wanted to come about it. Mm-hmm. Fucking you. Just the life coming, falling out of some family pet. Yeah, so about an hour before. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, so about an hour before we recorded today. That's what I was doing. So anyway, that's why I'm... It's healthy coping to drink a bottle. That's what my therapist said. She said, I strongly recommend you just drink and ignore your feelings. It sounds like you're the best therapist I've ever had. A bit good therapist.

I mean, it was the bouncer or the strip club, but. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, whatever you got to do to get through it, right? The strip clubs. You lose your dog, so you go to the strip club. Can you imagine? Oh, my God. How are you doing, Big Boy?

Oh, my doing. Oh, what happened, Big Boy? I'm going to put my dog down. Oh, my. Is that why you're wearing sweatpants? She has to go dance on a pole watching you sitting there. Watching you hold up pictures of your dog. Crying under your sweatpants?

She's squeak. Can you do something that a weir dog would do? Can you lick your butt? Can you lick your butt like a weir dog? What? Huh? Put your leg up higher. Anyway.

So yeah. Fuck that. That's sad. He's dead. Yeah. Sympathies, brother. But he's going into a garden. And that's fun.

So all the things. A big tree will grow out of his body or something. Thanks, Brian. You can have a wry cucumber. Sick. Sick sediment. Sentiment. Sediment.

Yeah. Sediment. Yeah. And it's sedimentary. And I set in Terry lifestyle where you don't move. Well, that's his life now. But rest in peace, rocket sausage. Yeah.

When we first started recording the show, when we came over there, he'd always come down for some pets. Always. But then the other dog, Quigley, would just fucking take that over. He would just take that over. That's enough.

Oh, poor old man. Get out of your old man. It's so sad, man. And they're, you know, you said how they're just there the whole time. Same with our dog. When we got to, together we lived at this apartment complex

Amber brought her home unbeknownst to me it was just like oh I have a dog now and now this thing's going to die in 15 years and I have to do with it but we also weren't allowed to have pets so we had to move out of our place so she was with that place

our first house our second house which was the first with when our first was born and then she was there the last house and she was there for the entire kid's life so all they know you just especially when they're house dogs or house pets, they're just there all the time.

Hello. Like you just, you wake up and you hear the little, like the nails on the wood floor and stuff. And that's, that's the worst. I think coming home and them not waiting at the door or the window and then not hearing their little nails fally around.

Yeah. I get it. So that's, that's big sad. But, um, hold on. What echoy shit did you just? I said it fucking sucks.

It does suck. It does suck. It's been a lot of loss. on this show. Yeah. We're collecting. Yeah. You should make trading cards of dead things.

Okay. Sounds good. If there's a place to get money, I'll do it. You guys want, like, feed pictures of my dad? Or whatever? Is that not, is that too far? I have a hard time believing that pictures of, like, 60-year-old men's feet are doing much. You'd be surprised.

I would be very surprised. I would be very surprised. Yeah. Brian's. Me too. All right, let's move on. Let's move off

to some dick. Rest of peace, Ryrie. All right. Brian, you want to read this motherfucking thing?

Not really. Who want to see pictures of my dead dog? No, you sent him yesterday. They were alive. He was alive then. I know,

but still his face. He's what? Uh, dude, whenever, real quick, then I'll get off of it. Sometimes you get on,

like, social media, Facebook or something, you're scrolling through. And then all of a sudden you see a post. It's like, this little guy's been with, I'm like, fuck. Like there should be a filter. Yeah. A sad filter? Only give me the good, baby.

Like I wasn't expecting that. Now I have to think about this today. Sorry about that, everybody. Did you do that? Yeah. Oh. Well, you're part of the problem. Yeah.

Okay. He was loved. He was loved. so let's see you're so fast let's let's take a little detour here to another Las Vegas going to another animal in Vegas so we've talked about in the past this kind of like just shit you do when you're drunk yeah the stuff that you wouldn't if you were sober you wouldn't I mean you maybe you're like oh it'd be crazy like the you don't but you don't actually consider doing it yeah and then you drink a bunch and

And then it's three, four, five o'clock in the morning. The wall's gone. And you're like, no, I'm going to do all of this stuff. I'm going to do it. This guy did it. I'm going to write it. Yep. Ontario man accused of chasing flamingos, taking one to Las Vegas hotel room.

This is exactly the location that I, well, it's either Florida or Vegas. Right? Yeah, it's Las Vegas hotel room. Yeah. Okay. And then there's a warning. This story contains. Images depicting alleged animal cruelty.

So you know what's going to be good. I don't think he was mean to it. He fucked it. A Canadian tourist from Ontario is facing animal cruelty charges. Is that echo? I know. He fucked it. Wow.

Charles, after police alleged, he broke into the Flamingo Hotel's wildlife habit. Which I've been there. Habitat. I've seen this habit. What did I say? Habit. Oh, Habitat.

I mean, habits is a word. There's a lot of habits. It's a habit at. Mm. He has the habits at. Chase several flamingos and carried one of the birds back to his room. They're all just squawking and running away. Help!

Hopping on one leg. Help! Officials with Las Vegas Metro, police say the incident happened in March 3rd shortly after, guess what time? Not a normal one. 5 a.m. Was he going to CrossFit? No.

He was stealing a flamingo. If you're up at 5 o'clock is one of those those hours that if you see someone you're like that dude's up and at him get ready to take on the world or that dude is like he should have been in bed. That dude's drowning an issue. He doesn't know why he's here. Yeah. So officials note the bird suffered injuries after the man attempted to pop its wing back into place. Did you skip a? Yeah, you skip a little something.

Oh, surveillance footage. Video to recover the man's cell phone show a series of encounters with the birds inside the habit hat at the Flamingo Hotel Casino and later in the hallway. Okay. So you didn't skip much. No. Okay. As a result, Canadian tourists identified police as Mitchell Grant Fairbarn was arrested on March 3rd about 6 a.m. So they dispatched pretty quickly.

Yeah, like 6 o'clock in the morning. they're like, we got a guy abusing the flamingos. I don't have enough coffee. Oh, God. Oh, that's why it took so long

for them to get there. Dude. Or that guy's like getting ready to get off of work. What's worse? You ready to go home at the end of your shift? And start of,

that's a little pump up. You're like, I'm ready to go. End of, you're like, I just wish someone would stop stealing these fucking flingos. Why are they even there? is what I think at the end of the ship. Let's just,

can we just get rid of the flamingos, please? What led up to the incident? According to the report, hotel surveillance video captured Fairbarn, entering the habitat area in the early morning hours. Fuck these pictures. He's... The one in the elevator?

Hold on. Look at this. He's holding it. He's holding his neck. He's just holding it by its neck. I told you he fucked it. But he's... Quit yelling!

The guy's not wearing shoes and he's shirtless. Oh, he's wearing cross. squeezing not he's no shoe where does crox go he lost them dude he fed him to the I think all this clothes are

in the bottom of the picture there oh my god this guy what a vagus experience yeah I mean pretty neat I mean trinket

so the video shows him holding the bird down as he attempted to escape later paying it to the ground again again while taking a photo with his cell phone right friends will never believe me! I have to get a picture.

If you just hold still, we can be done with this. Flamingo eventually escaped and swam away. What? How did he swim away? I don't know. I'm thumbing through, looking at all these picks. About seven minutes later, police alleged Fairburn targeted a second Flamingo.

He said he waded into the water, chased several birds, and eventually grabbed one, dragging it across the habitat, and holding it by its legs and neck while attempting to, attempted to break free. He was seen walking into the out the flamingo wrapped in a gray shirt before entering the elevator and traveling to the

14th floor. So he didn't just lose his shirt. He was using it as a... As a net? Or like, trying to keep it warm, maybe. Oh. Well, executing the search warrant in Fairbairns room, a large bloody feather along with multiple small pink colored feathers were located. They also recovered the gray shirt allegedly used to carry

the bird. Look at this picture. Let's see what... The bird's injured wing. Yeah. I'm there's more pictures down below that where he's in an elevator with someone else and this is the guy who just got up yeah he's going to the gym and he's like he's like you won't fling you that's that's what we're talking about this guy is getting up to go work go down to the gym like the hotel gym he's got a coffee he's got a big day mm-hmm this guy's like you fucking want to pet it at least that guy knows where to find the cocaine now you want

you want to put it what's on his back dude It's like some kind of sunset. Like a sublime tattoo. Thorne. But seeing the contrast, you were joking about it, but now seeing it in the elevator, like you get on the elevator,

you have your coffee and you're getting on the elevator to head down to the lobby or like maybe go for a walk or something outside. And this dude is just finishing his night. By himself. Not with a group of friends.

Like, by himself. That's usually how it happens. you would do that by yourself? No. That's not what I said. I said one gets away from the group and something always happens. And I mean, I spent plenty of time in Vegas. And this is, fuck it, let's share it.

I was down at a bachelor party and we lost one of our friends. Just, we don't know what happened to them. We were all having fun. And we were in a dance club. And everyone was having a blast. I remember seeing his face and, like, just laughing and he just fucking disappeared. Everybody's got that friend. And everyone went home and we were hanging out.

Again, it comes, you know, the sun tells you that you're going to hate yourself. And that thing popped up over the desert mountains. And we were like, oh, no. We still have three more days here. Like that thing. What are we going to do? And then everyone was like, where is? And no one knew where he was.

But we were so fucked up and so tired, we just went to bed. Then we woke up, and he wasn't there. He's still gone. So now it's like two in the afternoon. Oh. It's the hangover. No, no, no. And he is gone.

And so now, because he is a smart guy, we start getting a little worried. Because he's not like that guy. He's not like the get super fucked up. and vanishes all the time, fella. He's not that part of the friend group. He's usually somewhat responsible type of guy. And he's gone. So a couple of us get together, and we start calling police stations.

Jesus. And hospitals trying to find our friend. No one has him. And we're like, well, we're not going to go dig up the desert. If he's dead, he's dead. Right? Like so. If he dies, he dies.

So anyway, are we still going to the rooftop party at Twin? And we did. And we still didn't see him. We didn't show up. It was that fucking next night that we go back to the hotel that we're all staying in and we're walking back. And we just see him sitting there at a fucking black chat table with a hooker with the biggest tits you've ever seen in your life. And the biggest lips, she looked like she was a doll. you would buy.

Not gertie. And she's just like, you got it. Like, just, he's like, yeah, he's just sliding chips. And we all just walk over without saying it, we're saying his name.

And we're just like, you know, I'll just make up a name, Chad. We're just like, Chad. He's like, oh, hey, guys.

Oh, hey, guys. You're okay? And he says, of course I'm okay. Like, we haven't seen you for a fucking day. His phone's dead.

No one knows. We were on the brink of calling his parents to see if they could track his bank account. But he figured that might be a... He probably would rather be dead than us do that. So we didn't do that. Like, we thought you were... He's like, no, I'm fine. We're fine.

And then later we get the story that he went back to a hotel room with a hooker and got a blowjob. And then after getting a blow job, she said, you know what? I think you're really great. And then just fucking kidnapped him. and he was bouncing around to house parties all over Vegas for a fucking day. What? With no phone doing all the drugs and drinking with a hooker who charged them at the end? And he lost like $8,000 because there's just a bunch of huge dudes that were to kill him if he didn't pay.

So it wasn't just one date? It was the whole day date? The whole day, he disappeared the night before. And no, but she charged him for the whole day? day because he was arm candy. So she brought him to all these parties. And so now she's like charging him for just like

like a literal escort. Right. And they had whatever, had some sex and got a blowy. But he just wanted a blow job. And she goes, you know what? You're awesome. I'm going to take you to parties. What she didn't do is whip out a menu. I was going to say, hey, if we go do this, I'm going to charge you the whole time.

And then he had to pay because everyone was going to kill him. So did he pay and then went out with her again? No, no, no. This was part of the whole. Sorry, I jumped ahead. We said bye to him because he wouldn't leave the fucking blackjack did. Because what we didn't know at the time, it was her, and then the other people at

the table were the ones that were making sure he wasn't getting away without fucking paying. Oh my God. So he didn't say anything, but he was so fucked up and out of his mind. So it's always the one that sneaks away that gets in trouble. You got to stay in your herd. Yeah. I don't know what happened.

I don't know. The hyenas got it. It was like within 30 seconds. He was like, this is the greatest night of my, just disappeared. Never saw him. But he's alive. He's doing well. That's terrifying. I know.

But he had, he has some, I mean, some crazy stories I'm not going to get into. But he, he, I think he got like an $8,000 worth of a fucking night. I'll tell you. One of the greatest nights of his life. He will never, he can never talk about it ever again. Yeah. But what he shared with us sounded like make believe. but like you know because it's so ridiculous

there's no way he would make it. Yeah, you can't make it. You can't. It all made sense. Like if I was trying, if I was a lawyer, I'd be like, no,

dude, he checks out. It's like Mike Tyson was there and a tiger. Oh my God, dude, he had the wildest fucking stories. So good. See,

that's what's crazy about a place like Vegas too is the average person you go down to Vegas and you have a wild night. Mm-hmm. Like the actual things that are going on. Mm-hmm. there's just so much

there's so much stuff going on that you have no idea that it's going on your friends think you're dead and you're fucking snorting coke off assholes and you're like I've never felt more alive

and I didn't tell anybody I left he couldn't his phone's dead just we're like should we call his parents and he's just like fucking sucking coke out of buttholes

he's fine he's never been better I love how you all show up and he's sitting at the table just like hit me. It's just like not. And we're like Chad Chad! Like he didn't just disappear. Oh what's up guys?

Where are you been? Do you have your appendix? Like it was just like just learning, having it all fall into place and he's just been awake for days. Is cocaine off a butthole better than normal cocaine?

I think by just by definition, yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Just because the situation you're in. The situation, it's like I, I'm counting my blessings. How do you propose that to someone? Like, you know, we got this cocaine and do they just know? No, they proposed it.

Okay. Yeah, they know that what they're doing is a cool trick. And then now you can get another $8,000 out of some fucking weirdo. Yeah. That's a pretty good, good night of work. I don't think you had to pay for any drugs either. So that's a bonus. That's like using a coupon.

I think it was built into the cost a little bit. Yeah. Baked in. Yeah. It was baked in. present this at your at your hooker at checkout save 25% off

butthole coke use promo code butt coat imagine trying to like trying to make sure that trying to like the receipt

I didn't do that and you get your readers out you look at your hooker receipt I don't remember that anyway he's threatening to kill you oh my god you need to

but like they're so nice about it They're like, I don't want to be a problem. You're like, well, clearly I don't either. But I'm going to have to win money to pay you. And he did. That's why they're all sitting there to win his money back. Oh, that is a movie. And he did it.

He did it. They're not even money that's his. He had to win the money so he could pay his debts. Just to give him something so they'd follow him around for a little longer so we could try to win more money. Sounds like it needs like an 80s. soundtrack. Yeah, dude, that's that's one of those movies that's like the guy's brother.

He's got to get him out of the trouble because his brother gets into some shit. I know, I hear him. It's just one of those. Let's jump ahead to Petty Beef. All right. Here we go. He's here. For the golden geese. Stephen Guerrera.

What'd I say? Is that right? Garrow. Gero. Gero. Guera. Grera. Gler. Back to you.

Matthew Leonard. Jason. Jason. Jason Clacer. Daniel Aki. Daniel Spatz. Neil Daphony. The Sofa K.

Jordan Haldi. Todd Zayton. George Sassado. For a little bit longer. Maggie Stucks. Damn. Whoa, right is the music cut out. Wow.

It's almost like we meant to do it. Yeah, brother. All right, let's bounce off to some petty beef. That sounds like a great idea. Fucking let's go. Zach, you fucking yeah! You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.

The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. I'm just playing through my head. Just making sure I didn't get anybody in trouble. I think we're good. Yeah.

I think we're good. Chad is fucked. I think Chad's fine. There were no names. No. And it's like, you weren't there. You weren't even there. You didn't get it.

This is a big place. Yeah. You want to read Petty Beef? Sure. Okay. Let me zoom in here. I just, I haven't thought about that hooker in so long. Like, if you put, if you could, if you could put a bike pump into Dolly Parton.

Like, her face and her tits and just go, it was a fake person and he was just trapped was she at that party or did he wander off and then meet her on the way I think he got picked off at the dance club we were at when he was like yeah yep you got it he was like you me me you yeah and that's where it started that's where he vanished but everyone did

like everyone's going in and out drinking doing drugs so you just like people just came in and out of your life and then he just went out of my life You have to wonder when a plastic surgeon does surgery like that and they look at the final product, do they go? Nailed it. Nailed it. Yeah. Like baking a cake?

Or is the first thing they say, no refunds. Yeah. You sign the thing. Yeah, no refunds. Get out of here. I think some people want that look, though. No way. They made her money.

Yeah. The boobs. I mean, yeah, she was still hot, but. But when you, it's sober. You're like, whoa. drunk you're like yeah right and he and he did that

all right part of that I mean it's there you fucking got them fucking you don't have to work for it no he's got to pay for it all right back to you and win money and develop a gambling edition

win your money back to get killed that never goes well They always get more in debt. It worked out. Hey, daddy's and Uncle Zach. I have a petty beef for you. Can't wave.

Years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child with my dad, X. Long story for another time. His cousin moved in with us, with his wife and her child. I crave spaghetti. I crave spaghetti. Segway. Segway, watermelon. And hot Cheetos all the time.

Okay. We didn't really have much money in those days, so we always bought cheap, bare minimum food. One day I was really craving spaghetti. And all we had were the noodles and sauce. No meat. This comes in later. I made enough for all of us. And when it was done, I made myself a bowl because I was pregnant and hungry.

And I told the cousin that spaghetti was on the stove. He went into the kitchen and was in there for a little while, came out, came back out and asked where the food was. told him was on the stove and the pot. He went back into the kitchen and then came out asking, where? So I got my fat pregnant ass up to show him. I lifted the lid off to only pot. I'm tickling. Off the only pot on the stove to show him.

He looked at the food and then looked at me and said, that isn't spaghetti. I told him, yes, it is. And then he came back in and said, but there's no meat and spaghetti. has to have meat. I proceeded to tell him that it is Spaghetti. With or without spaghetti, meat, as the noodles are spaghetti.

He kept arguing with me saying that has to have meat to be spaghetti. What a weird rule. I showed in the box and pointed it and it said, Spaghetti! That's what I would have done. That's crazy. How do they buy spaghetti noodles?

He came back with spaghetti noodles. I told him the type of noodle is spaghetti and if you just took a noodle out of the box you are eating spaghetti I proceeded to say

all the ways you can eat it and would still be spaghetti I never thought in the show I'd really appreciate you yelling spaghetti I guess didn't know what's going to happen

but here we are back to you he just kept saying that it has to be meat it has to have meat to be spaghetti what a weird argument I told him that

when you look at a menu and see spaghetti is always, or almost always says spaghetti and meat sauce spaghetti with meatballs. We went back and forth for a while with me saying it is still spaghetti because of the noodles. And him saying it has to have meat to be spaghetti. I told him that he prefers it with meat. I also prefer it with meat, but we do not have it, so I may do. But that does not mean that it's not spaghetti without meat. at that point I was done because I was pregnant and hungry

and I just wanted to eat my spaghetti my ex came in and asked what we were arguing about so I explained the whole thing and I'm not sure if he just took me to my feet it's all they're yelling about what's going on out of here because of the spaghetti oh I'm getting hot or if he thought the same as me for the next week or so anytime we were around someone

knew I would ask them if it is spaghetti with or without meat and everyone agreed with me. Yeah. I would just give him the look and then go about my day. So anyways, what do you guys think? Is it spaghetti or with or without meat? Stay saucy, my friends. Lina.

Is a hot dog bun, a hot dog without the meat? What did you just fucking say to me? If you grab a hot dog bun, is that a hot dog? If it doesn't have the wiener in it? No, hot dog is the meat. The hot dog is the meat. spaghetti's not the meat.

But the hot dog bun. I think that's a hot dog bun. Right. But it's not a hot dog bun. But it's not a hot dog. dog when you eat the bun by itself. No, because it's not labeled as such. Right, but it is a hot dog, but not a just a bun bun.

It's not a spaghetti noodle. It's a, it's a new. It's a new. It's a new. You have spaghetti and you have spaghetti sauce. And you which usually has meat. What? I don't know. I'm fucking around. You having fun? I'm having a great old time. Well, but the, but the noodle I'm taking a hot dog bun is not a hot dog. I am taking so much more seriously now because he's like sounds like God. Sounds like, yeah. Oh, go deeper. You need to do better.

Eat the hot dog, Joe. Your dog is in a better place. Eating little doggy spaghetti. No, spaghetti is spaghetti with or without sauce. A hot dog is a hot dog without the bun. You're reversing it to make a point and you're wrong. Wow. In Italy, don't they just have, like, they'll just have spaghetti noodles and sauce and then they'll have, like, meatballs.

but some people eat it still with just noodles and sauce and that's spaghetti. What is officially spaghetti? I think we could clear it up with some chat cheap tea or something. What is it officially? People don't know. Ask the computer. No, yeah,

I mean, there's a difference between asking technical and if you're like, hey, what do you eat with your spaghetti? They would be like, oh, I put ground beef in noodles and sauce or whatever, then whatever.

And they assume those things are together. But I think that's not. It's still spaghetti if there's no meat. Absolutely. I grew up eating that spaghetti. Being poor as fuck. Where it was like sauce and noodles, that's spaghetti. Yeah.

Otherwise, what else is it? Chef Boyardee. Yeah, it's not, yeah. Well, Chef Boyardy. It's, uh, God damn it. Like, why? I can't think of it. SpaghettiOs?

Yeah, thank you. Fuck out. I mean, there's spaghetti O's. It's still spaghetti. My stepdad used to call it, uh, dog food. Hmm. He'd like, yeah, like, what do you want? My dog food?

Yeah, just crank it opening. That noise? Yeah. The air pockets. It slides out. I feel like just because a company called it spaghetti doesn't necessarily mean a spaghetti. Do you trust them that it's spaghetti? Italy called?

Or do they just want your money? I think it's, Italy spaghetti. Yeah. It's a type of noodle, like fetichini. I'm just talking in the spaghetti. That's why there's chicken alfredo. and there's just Alfredo Spaghetti noodles

A tomato sauce You use canned tomatoes Tomatoes tomato sauce paste Um garlic onion and olives It is enhanced with ground beef Or sausage topped with Parmesan cheese So it's enhanced with that

But just the AI Overview is spaghetti noodles Like a tomato sauce That's the Whack I mean nobody I think anybody Like if you go out and you make

Spaghetti now Obviously you're going to make it with me Because it enhances it like it is better, but I think the origin of spaghetti is probably without meat. Let's see. Spaghetti origin. Lena is right. And what a funny argument.

Like, look at this. Forget Marco Polo, the real origin spaghetti and tomato sauce with Massimo Mantrali. That's just noodles and sauce. Hey. Yeah. With a tomato in it. Well, I'll shove my own dick up my ass then.

Whoa. Can I watch? Awesome. If you guys would like, that'd be so fun. Patreon, join us on Patreon. See,

I don't, I don't want to eat it like that. 500 subscribers and Zach fucks his own ass. I was going to do it anyway. Zach's on camera than Zach fucks his own ass? I'm going to write, is it spaghetti without meat? Let's see,

is it spaghetti? I'm just going to see what this says, though. Is spaghetti? Is it spaghetti without meat? Let's see what it says. Without? me. Yes, is absolutely still spaghetti without meat. Meatless spaghetti often called vegetarian and maranada spaghetti is popular, nutritious, and classic dish. That doesn't mean that it's actual

spaghetti if you have to put a quantifier at the beginning. Zach. Vegetarian spaghetti. Well, because if you wrote this, if this was years and years ago. American. If you have to say vegetarian spaghetti, that means you're adding a quantifier to spaghetti, which means spaghetti is not vegetarian, and therefore wrong. I think you're, you've whitened it up. You've, you've Americanized it. Just like, like white people taco night. White people taco night.

You know, it's different than like traditional. Italian people are European, bro. Wait, what? What are we doing? Zach has a little bit of reverb, dude, and he's lost it. He's just saying shit out there. You shall not pal. Italy doesn't

It doesn't seem like Europe Italy is kind of its own place right It's in the heart of it This is another argument It doesn't seem like it seems like it's its own place And you think about Italians I love boyfriend walking out to cousin And your wife or a girlfriend

Fighting about spaghetti It doesn't have me It's just like What the fuck is going on out of here Your pregnant wife's a bitch what he's a bitch he's like okay can we settle this in the morning no shh shh

that's very funny sorry I'm reading about this it's just I'm not reading I would like to know is someone do a deep dive figure this out when when spaghetti was originally invented as a dish did it have meat in it I'm sure we could

look that up but I'm not going to do it live on the show my guess is no it was it's just a tomato-based sauce and noodles, and then we started adding meat. We started adding meat, and it made it better, but the origin of it was without meat would be my guess. That makes sense to me.

All right, let's move off to the hooray, we're not doomed. So fuck you, Zah. I'm going to grab another beer. All right, play it, bye. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! All right.

I forgot. We're on Hooray, we're not doomed. Okay, Joe left. So, he's going to go take a poop, I think. 40 minutes later. We're going to talk about a good story that took place. Like a dumbass. Virginia girl collects five-

Huh? Echo. Echo location. Are you working? Do I sound like Zach? No. Just do the whole show from a show. distance with

Brian Ha ha ha ha funny Virginia girl collects 500 pounds of shelter supplies instead of birthday gifts I feel like her parents told her to do this I'm sorry That's okay

Most children want This is Pierce or Prince It's okay Oh I showed up just the time Prince George County Virginia Mm Most children want toys and gifts on their birthday Kinsley

stop it I'm sorry I know it's a good story but I just You have a hard time with good news I do because it usually Well I can't hear him I can't hear Zach

It's written so well Here's my So you know how sometimes When you're talking about something Like you could go directly To dark humor And like I can make a joke About my dead dad or my dead dog

Because it helps me get through Not timing, dude. But when I read a story, instead of going, wow, that's so sweet, I usually, and I hate that I do this, I usually go like, well, someone's getting something out of it. Like when a company's like, oh, they stepped in and did this and like, yeah, they got a huge promotion from it and a huge tax write off. This news station didn't find out about this on accident. That's what I always think about. Yeah. Because I worked in the news.

Exactly. And as much as I... You have to call them. They don't know what you're doing. Right. You have to let them know what you're doing to get this type of coverage. So is it... Are you just doing this out of the kindness of your heart?

See, God damn. This is... Self-serve-servie. I'm ruining... Your own story? I'm ruining this. Okay. Back to you.

Okay. So, but then her name was Kinsley. So then it was even more. I was like, of course. That's trauma. This girl... You used to be optimistic and now cynical. it's okay.

Optimistic to autistic. Well, no, I've never been, I've never been, I've always been a little. Not, my wife always called me pessimistic and I was like, no, I'm more realistic. Where, which is exactly what a pessimist would say. Well, because there's a difference between, uh, it's right to justify. Pessimism is always like, there's, everything's bad, everything's terrible. I don't think that.

I'm just more like, when I hear something, it's like, sometimes I, it's like, sniff out. I'm not going to get my hopes. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Exactly. So,

Prince George County girl recently celebrated her sixth birthday. Um, and this is why I tend to lean that way because she's six. Mm-hmm. Like, is she going, fuck. Maybe you should read it.

Okay. Prince George County girl recently celebrated her sixth birthday with a simple wish. Instead of presents for herself, she has family, friends, and strangers to donate supplies for homeless animals to give to shelters, caring for dogs and cats in need. What about the beavers and the squirrels and shit? I'm like a six-year-old girl.

I'm reading it. Oh. Okay. You asked me to read this so that you didn't have to do what you're about to do. I'll just shut up. Look at me. You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

People came through in a big way. Anything? Nope. So far, Kinsley has collected 500 pounds of dry food. Eight cases of wet food. 20 blankets, five handmade quets. and a pile of toys. Sounds like a Christmas song.

And a big fucking pile of toys. And she is not done yet. During her spring break, while most children will be playing, Kinsley will be delivering the donated items to area shelters. I did this. We've done this for birthdays. Just like give something you want to donate.

but it's not it's not self it's just like I don't want to throw your shit away like when you have a kid that's in these weird in between zones they don't there's no need for the dumb gifts but it's the parents that put this together right I don't remember I think we did this

back when I was with Aaron we did this with with Ez with Ezzy yeah the parent you guys did it with him well he wouldn't I agree it's not her it's six year old girl coming you know you know what mommy but she could have

you could have saw at this day and age, she could have saw a TikTok video. I'm guessing there was a push from Aaron because I was probably working that I don't remember this happening, but when that decision was made, I was like, that makes sense. I throw away tons of plastic shit all the time.

So even if it was planted from the parents to say like, hey, this is a way better idea, in the end, it is a way better idea than just getting gifts from strangers. I agree. It's a better idea. It doesn't sound like you agree with anything. No, no, no.

It sounds like what you want to do. No, because we do the same thing. Is Kill Kinsley. No. Well, because the idea that she came up with it. So, like, here's the problem I have. And it's not even a problem. We do this kind of, every, we do this kind of state.

We go to the giving tree or whatever and we, we buy gifts for kids. What? Just the funniest way to say that. I don't know. We fucking go down to the giving tree or whatever. whatever. No, we go down the thing. Yeah, we care. We do it or whatever. And like, yeah, we're happy. And it's fine. It's just fucking like, whatever with the giving. It's like, why am I down here? Just give? Fucking whatever, dude. So we, we, with our kids, we, we do that kind of thing. We'll go down the thing and be like, you guys pick out a toy and that we can give to some kids. Because you guys are very fortunate. You can, you basically get whatever you want.

And not all kids have the opportunity to do that. Some kids don't get anything. Some kids are lucky if they have a coat for the wintertime. And their Christmas present is a coat. Where for you, it's like, oh, you got a new Nike coat because it goes with your outfit or whatever. This kid doesn't even have a coat. So we try to do stuff like that with them. So they know how fortunate they are that they have the things they are.

But my kids, my six-year-old kids not coming up to me and being like, you know what? Let's get some codes. You know what I want to do is I don't want anything for my birthday. I want to give it all away to somebody else. It feels like a parent thing. But so good on the parents. Yeah. So good on the parents.

Yeah, I hear you. For doing that. But framing it like it's the six-year-old girl. Like it was an epiphany? That's, I get it. That's all I'm saying. I just came up with this in my sleep. That's all I'm saying.

I hear it. Not that it's not a great. thing. I get it. I think we just tag team the fuck out of that. God, I just, I'm sorry. I just feel like, I just and you're

poor little Canadian girl. What do we do with this guy? Are you okay? I don't know. I just, they're so, like, we're just surrounded by so much stuff with social media and the internet all the time that I just like,

what's, like, Even a good story? This whole setup is really fucking my next segment. Should we get there? You're going to hate it. Yeah. Wait.

What? Do you have more to say? No, no, no. Thanks, Kinsley. Zach. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool, or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome. I love that for us. I'm sure Kinsey has a blog now, too. I'm sure she's going to write it.

It's going to be great. So I saw these, and I got excited about warmer weather. Recently, I mean, it did just snow. We just got a big old windstorm, like six inches. It's kind of power went out. But it's going to warm up. I think it's like when it's 70-something, like 73. this weekend? Like, fucking let's go.

And I have seen these in the wild. And I've seen them before I saw them in the wild. And I was like, that's stupid. That's a dumb thing. And I'm telling you, if you have children, then you want to get ready and you want to have the best

spring kickoff party or whatever little thing in your backyard. You need to check out these reusable water balloons. Have you guys seen these motherfuckers? Some kids had some down in Mexico and they were throwing them at each other in the pool. That was the cartel.

And those were bullets. They were bombing airplanes. I mean, same thing. Right. Usable fuselage. But these are cheaper. Yeah. So these little balls,

they're rubber, and they have a magnetic ring that divides it at the equator. So it's a tiny little planet, little globe. And you dip them in water and then you just go and shut them and they turn into water balloons.

and if you are if you have you have you have to adjust your like how you're going to toss them you can't throw them like a baseball they'll blow up point then because you'll kill them but they'll also blow up in your hand right so you have to like have a little you have to adjust how you're going to toss them like a little whip on the end but the payoff is one have them forever and so and so will the next civilization because they're rubber and plastic you don't to clean up the mess that's it the number one want you don't have to do shit. You just dip them in water and close them up.

And it's the same fun. Kids aren't looking to like kill people. They just want to throw some shit. A little violence with laughter. Same way I like my sex, you know? And this is perfect. And they're not expensive. So if you go on Amazon,

just search for reusable water balloons. The ones that we're looking at right now are like 25 bucks for 12 of them. And they are awesome, especially for little kids. Like, it's just like something they can always do all the time. Easy to clean up. And with warmer weather around the way, if you want to have the best spring backyard party ever,

fucking get them. Okay? Because I saw those and I was like, I've seen these and I want to market them. In this episode brought to you by Super Soaker. Dude, Super Soaker 100. 100. Use promo code water balloon.

Wet ass hooker. You know, the, There's pros and cons to this. You don't know. The pro is you don't have to clean up the mess. All that. The cons are like, they have those ones now that you buy a whole thing. Oh, I'm aware.

And you plug the thing and they fill up like 30 of them at once. So that you fill them up in no time. But then the cleanup is terrible because you have so many. Because you don't put the work in. Yeah. So you don't put the work in. You're a lot more conscious of it. But you just fill up 50 of them in, like,

Like instantly, yeah, I get it. So what I was going to say is what I've always thought would be the perfect thing is thinking of a way to make those biodegradable. So you still have the traditional water balloon, but when it explodes. So I always thought, you know, like Airsoft guns, if you could figure out a way to do wet, like watered, watered airsoft guns, watered airsoft beaies that would beodegradable and you could just go around and have like. they fed your lawn. Put some. I mean, you could put some fertilizer in there, but that's pretty dangerous. Inside, pine saw.

Mm. Clean the, clean the house. Go ahead. Have it out of kids. Have an aerosol fight that just cleans the floors. Let's go. Be sweet. See, if you could figure out a way to monetize that.

Yeah, I like it. But just make old traditional water balloons biodegradable. And then you've got the best situation, because now you can just pump up a whole bucket full. But you got to stare at them for like so long. Biodegradable and holding water, I feel like it's a problem. And then you have to stare, it's like, it's been months before they disappear. That sucks.

Yeah, but months is better than just six million years. What's funny is you think about like, think about like us uncovering dinosaur bones now. Years later now, people are uncovering just shit like this. It's like, what are they? How small were hot wheels cars? How small were these hats? It's just a water balloon? What is a Pokemon?

What is a Pokemon? How do I catch it? Like all these time capsules that are being forgotten. Someone's going to open one up and there's going to be like a fucking Mickey Tettleton rookie card. It's 300 years old. What was this fun sport? Anyway, so those are there. Check them out.

Let's hear from the kids. I think it's time. It's time. It's time. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow. That's cool. These are going down. Is that hitting the spot? This is going. It's going down. It just feeling good. Tricking a podcast with my friends.

Day, Tricking! Cricking a podcast. Oh, I've been so sick lately, too. I should have done that. Anyway. Yeah. Sometimes you just got to scream it out. Oh, fuck.

Maybe you should take the first one. It's pretty long. I had COVID, by the way. Do you really? Yeah. But didn't go to the hospital. Bing bong. Hey guys, first email coming in from our son, Eugene.

It's the Eugene, right? We only have two. We have one. Yes, this is the Eugene you're thinking of. This is the Eugene. Yes. Okay. Hello, fathers and unc.

Hello. It's been like two years. I still think about the guy who fell asleep after his bathroom accident. Some might call it that trauma. This was an old story. Okay. I call it Tuesday. The good news is we now have a cleaning company that comes in frequently to clean.

The bad news is I still have to carry chlorox wipes and gloves because people can still be gross or maybe just homeless. That's a funny sentence. You can either be gross or just homeless, which encompasses everything, I guess, you're homeless. Now there's a new story, but it's not as entertaining as the last. On this day, I decided to wipe down the throne and handle my business. I reached the point where my wipe, what? Where we wipe. Oh, I reached the point where we wipe and go on about our day when someone came in.

That didn't. Why did he drag us into us wiping with him? I don't know, but I thought that maybe was on you, but I think that was on him. That was, it was 100%. Like, he just put me there. I was like, no, I'm not there. You are wiping. We are not wiping.

together. The all familiar place where we're all together wiping our butts. At first, they were like, sorry, bud. I could hear them backing out towards the door. I was about to reply with a that's all right. But then he stopped and said,

I'm sorry, bud. Have you seen pictures of yellowstone? National Park, Joe. He said, I'm sorry, bud. I really have to pee. So he kept talking and apologizing while peeing. while peeing and washing his hands, then left saying, sorry, bud. God, that's creepy.

Just let just do what you're doing. Let me do what I'm doing. I am, I cannot stress how sorry. I can't stress this enough. The whole time, I'm stuck in limbo and questioning if I should give him a reply, or just let him continue with what appeared to be an anxiety-fueled one-sided conversation. I am so sorry. Fine.

maybe I'm the asshole for not giving him a response, and yet he could have just gone into the urinal, done his thing. Hopefully, wash his hands and moved on. That would have been like three, four minutes tops. That seems like a long time for a pee, by the way. And I would have forgotten all about it. And instead, I was held hostage by another pair of shoes on the other side of the stall. I feel like the stakes on my end were a little bit higher than the urinal guy. I mean, he was standing, and I could have left at any time.

I would have had to wipe, pull my pants up flush, and then confront this judgment because we knew I blew it up in there. Then I have to wash my hands or wait for him to finish, washing his hands, depending on the timing of everything. I think Eugene also has some anxiety. Yeah, and he's also going a lot of I and we back and forth. We're not there, yeah. Like, he said, I have to wait, but we are wiping your butt. We're not. If we're wiping your butt, then we also have to wait.

It's not just you. If there's five of us and they're shitting and wiping asses, we could take the urinal guy. If we could. Yeah. But no, he folded under the little bit of pressure of being in power without realizing that this was what it was. Maybe this is just the petty beef. Maybe it was a total of eight minutes, which was four minutes too long that I will never get back. Not to mention the amount of time I've had to find meaning in this experience in my head.

Don't do that. Like he's just, he brought it home with him. What does it mean? He took this home with him. The other guy just went about his day. I guess picture him like outs. Hold on. Let me finish this.

Then came up with several subplots and imagined life event scenarios that must have led to this pair of shoes to be unsure of himself in that moment. Or maybe I don't need to try to find clarity in every shitty situation. Well, anyway, we'll have a show, whatever. Your son, Eugene. I'm just picturing like, God. I mean, brains, human brains are a fucking nightmare. Like when they go, like usually pretty solid. I feel like you guys are also pretty solid.

Like you have a thing and you have a train of thought that you work your way through emotions and how to regulate and perceive this insanity that is earth. Right. But when shit starts spiraling, like I picture Eugene going home after just taking a normal shit. Mm-hmm. When a guy apologizes too much. And his wife's like, is everything okay, hon? And he's out on the, he's on the porch swing. I don't know.

Just. Is everything okay? I don't know. Baby, you never talk to me. You don't want to know. Sure, something didn't happen today? No. I mean, he's like, I mean, something did, but I don't know.

Come on, you can tell me. You can tell me anything. She just like whips the towel, a dish towel over his shoulder. He's like, oh. Tell me about it. And he's like, oh, oh.

This is a pair of shoes. And he kept apologizing. What? I know. You were talking to shoes? You don't get it. You know, I don't get it. Tell me more about it.

I said you don't get it. I said that a rock. Just swinging on a little porch swing. Okay, well, if you ever ready to talk about it, I'm here, I'll never be ready. He kept saying sorry. Bud. Sorry,

he was so sad. And I was poop. And he kept saying sorry. I couldn't leave. Okay. Okay. What do you think that means? If I knew,

slowly rocking in a cheek. Okay. Honey, well, I love you. We're having spaghetti tonight. There better be meat in it. No meat.

The chair speeds up a little bit. Fucking, fuck, no meat, two shoes? What does it mean? Starts questioning everything. Meatballs in my Reeboks in my Reeboks. That ends up being like a weird dream too that you get... Eugene, get your shit together, dude. Just go poop and wipe your butt, dude.

Quit trying to make us wipe your butt with you and quit worrying about shoes. People are weird. All right, what's our second email? All right, this one's coming in from Eric. Okay? Boys. That's us. Joel told a story about staying at his deviant friend's house.

At a similar experience that I thought Joe would laugh and Brian will hate. Anyway. My company struggling to find a nice... My company struggling to find a nice hotel in Anchorage and complaining about staying in a crummy hotel to my friend. It's set up to a viral video. My company struggling. It's like, just say, my company was struggling to find a nice hotel. And then it's that voice.

My company's struggling. That woman's voice. Complaining about staying in a crummy hotel to my friend. Okay. She told me she and her husband were out of town and I could just stay at their house. Great. Love it. I was looking in a freezer for ice when I saw a large plastic storage container.

Me thinking I was about to learn some kitchen life hack opened it to see what they stored in there. It wasn't the dildos. clamps or vibrators that shocked me No sir It was the ice cube tray full of piss I quickly closed it up And put it back Never mind yikes

So Joe It could have been worse than seeing an industrial Eye hook on the ceiling Keep up the funny content and be listening Since Isby Dumb days best Eric Oh man Well thanks for sticking with us That

There's a point in my life that I would have cared but like I don't give a shit about any of that at all anymore like not even close like you but if you give me a spot like hey of course you can stay in my place and I roll in there and there's a fucking

gib suit with an eye patch on a mannequin that has a dildo you're thinking good for them I'll spin it around and go to bed like I just like fuck I just go do that shit right don't go out there don't kill people

don't rape don't be a pedophile don't be an asshole but if you can go back to your your habitat and put a leather fucking cat suit on with a dildo where your mouth is supposed to be

and everyone's happy fuck yeah no one's getting hurt everything's fine you're not involving anybody else you're getting all your stuff out at home that was it that was the same feeling with the fucking eye hook I just looked up and I was just like oh yeah As long as this is consensual, I'm doing good for you.

I'm doing like an inspection. Yeah. You're talking on it. I'm like, all right. Well, as long as this is consensual. Just the home inspector.

It is. I promise. It is. Okay. Because if it's not, if it's not, like he's pulling on it. He's lifting himself up.

If it's not, that's going to really hurt your property value. Imagine the resell. of that house. 100% 100% consensual. Okay. And he's like,

what about this? He's like points over at this like huge scrap-all, like a dildo suction cup to the wall. Is this structurally sound? Yeah. You fucking tell me. It's bolted into the wall. He's like,

he's like, try to, okay. I mean, it's a big dick. It's a big of the dick, bigger the problem. My dad used to always say, but it's a great earthquake detector. you know, like a T-Rex?

The dick knows first. Dude, I'm just picturing that the movie, take a clip from the movie. Yeah, like scary movie, like so kind of knock off. It's so good. What were you going to say? Exactly what you just said. Yeah, go ahead.

You're sleeping, and you're going to go. And there's dulling your wall just, whoop, who. Yeah, I guess pictures you sitting there watching. in some show like flicking through channels and like in your per rift like off of the left side you're laying in bed and you just have a huge

earthquake detector dildo suction cup to your wall and it's got the key for the different magnitudes about how much of a how much of a wobble you get oh that's a six pointer eyeballing to see how much it wiggles but no you just like you think you're losing

your mind a little bit there's just like I mean it's a girthy it's kind of like a prop like it's a funny joke you would buy for your friends that type of suction cup dildo and it's just a like two feet long and just the biggest dick

and you're watching a show and you're like and you just like no sound you see the head of the dick you're like and you're side eyeing a dildo you're watching the movie

is that earthquake you just keep checking over you're muting the show was that earthquake it's just someone coming up the stairs like you live in apartment complex. Just someone opening a garage door?

That's why you have the magnitude meter. Just, oh, you pause the show and look at this big dick and it's like, and it just says over here it goes garage door. We're good. That's a garage door wiggle. That's good.

Piss in the ice cube tray. That's a bit much. Yeah. It's not for me, but it's for somebody. Yeah, it is for somebody. Yeah. Not going to yuck your yum. That's episode 197.

Can You Don't? Send your content. Hey, guys. at can you know podcast.com. Support us on Patreon. Patreon.com. slash Canyono podcast. Zach is awesome.

Love him to death. Go check out what he's doing over there. He keeps forgetting to bring in things that we're supposed to sign. It'll be easy. I feel like it's two months behind. Probably. At this point.

That's okay. Our signatures will look the same. Scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. Shout out for the babysitters that moderate the Kenyono Playground on Facebook. At one point, there was like 700 and something posts pending in there.

Talk to some people. We're all caught up now. All right, you have a joke to wrap this thing up? All right, let's fucking do it. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I should drink for every show. This is fun.

Back to you. Why are pirates called pirates? I don't know why. They just are, Joe. They just are. Ar! Wait, Zach, you have the echo. Arr!

Oh, no, you have to leave it open. We have to hear the echo. No, no, no, no. Turn the mic on. Hold it open after you do the R. I did that. No, no, you cut it off. R.

Yeah, the gates too, the gates too strong. You got to let it. Are you holding it? Are you holding the talk mic on? Yeah. But keep it on. R. This isn't working.

It's just fucking dumb. It's always something. Let's just do it. Just give it R and then hold the mic open. Fucking R. Hold it. R. See, it's clipping.

It's not, though. I'm holding it down. It's got to be the gate. The gate is too abrupt. It's not as subtle. It's just like, what townhouse is that just going? What the fuck is going on over there? All right, off to the bonus stuff.

Love you guys. Bye. Appreciate the support.