Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | War Crime. Horse Farm. Wingman. Laser Tag.

Episode Date: November 8, 2023

Everybody loves getting those random spam tests around election time, but what if they started sending you pictures of your kids and threatening to end their life if you didn't vote for them? Let's talk about that, losing a good friend because you made them orgasm, caving in a gas station sign with a bag of water, basically cutting yourself in half with a chainsaw, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/oZh4_Lg2rGUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

War crime, horse farm, wingman, laser tag. Yeah. You hear that? Do I? Yeah. You hear that? Do I? Yeah. We were just watching the intro on a little preview monitor in here, and we thought, well, I mean, I'm not sure if we're going to, but we looked at it, and we're like, we should probably update this.

And then we both just looked at our fingerless leather gloves, and we're like, that's why. That's why. That's the only reason we need to update any of it. It's because it's fingerless leather gloves. We're sexy on there, but we're not intimidating or threatening at all. And that's what I want to... I'd rather be threatening than sexy at this point in my life.

They first tune in and they're kind of... They're like, am I in danger? I want to be a little scared. Is this like a thriller podcast? What is this? Is this strictly about Fight Club? It's a tough guy show. We're not supposed to talk about it though. Tough guy show! Tough guy show, yeah.

73? How about that? Almost three quarters of a way to... That's really fun. 100. Yeah, that's sweet. That's good stuff right there. Everyone that signs up to us on Patreon, thank you so much. Tons of bonus content. We've got merch deals. You've got

early releases, ad-free episodes, all that shit. Go check it out at patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. You'll also find a link in the episode description. We are doing confessions on the show today. Your deep, dark secrets. Big, big, old secrets.

Love myself a good secret. If you have something you want to see on the show, send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Just yelling out confessions. And I can hear Zach's heart stop out there. Because something that we typically do before every single show is give a little show rundown. Whoopsie daisy. And we didn't do that today.

So Zach has no idea what the show is going to be. I'm hoping there's some dick. Nope. No dick. Get that out. He's going to do Nope, no dick. Get that out. He's going to do the wrong stinger. Get dick out of there. No petty beef this week.

It's not lap time, Zach. Get that out of there. No lap time. Confessions. And then that rolls right into the back end of the episode. Roll into my back end. You know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean. So what you're saying is I'm going to fuck this up pretty hardcore.

And if you do. That's up to you. Yeah. I'll do my best. That sounds like an effort thing. Yeah. Yeah. A quick little story.

This is relating back to the adventure that Ezzie and I had at the bowling alley. Remember? Went in and we're like, what the fuck's going on? And then a short time after we realized it was just us and then everybody else in the bowling alley was deaf. Yep. So you're wondering why the vibe was a little different. And this was sent in here.

It says, for our senior trip, my high school went to one of those all-in-one mini-golf laser tag miscellaneous bullshit rec centers. I mean, every town has one. While everyone else did their thing, my squad and I had our sights set on laser tag from the start. Fuck yeah, you did. We weren't the only school to come here. So we had some competition. We knew what we had to do. We absolutely and effortlessly destroyed the other group of students.

A few times I was able to sneak right up behind them and take them out before they even realized that I was there. I felt like I was an off brand John wick. It was like they had no situational awareness whatsoever. Flash forward to the aftermatch, the boys and I were celebrating our hard-earned victory when one of us noticed the other group of students signing to each other. Turns out the other school visiting the rec center that day was a school for the deaf kids. Victory was not so sweet after that.

Your accidental ableist son, Tanner. Fucking wrecked those kids' ass, dude. Pussies. You hear us coming. Ironically, you're doing like the L on the forehead

so they know what you're saying. They're like, oh, yeah, no. They're taking it way too personally now. Universal L on the forehead. Not only am I

talking shit, I'm speaking your language while I'm doing it. Right. I was hoping I'd see you here. Fucking take you down. He's like, man, am I talking shit, I'm speaking your language while I'm doing it. Right. I was hoping I'd see you here. Fucking take you down. He's like, man, am I a fucking ninja?

Did I talk about it? I don't remember if I talked about it or not. This was a couple months ago. Now we had a birthday for Miles. My oldest went to a birthday party at Laser Tag here in town. And we played like two or three games. I'd won two and took second by a couple of points in the third one. Some kid was

following another kid around just shooting him, so he cheated to win that next game. He's like, this kid has no idea how to play this game. But I almost had the hat trick and won three. I was just picking kids off. It was so great. It's so much fun. Yeah. I hadn't done it in 20 some years. Probably the late 90s was the last time I did it. It feels good to whip Chitrin's great. It's so much fun. Yeah. I hadn't done it in 20-some years.

Probably the late 90s was the last time I did it. It feels good to whip Chitrin's ass. It does. Yes, it does. Yes, it does. We're on the same playing field. If I go online and play fucking Warzone, I'm playing against an eight-year-old and they're kicking my ass.

You know what I mean? So why can't I kick eight-year-olds in person? Welcome to my dojo, baby. Laser Tag was my show you got anonymous shit you can't see each other you're kidding i'm looking you in the face when i'm shooting your ass i'm barrel rolling i'm doing i know exactly what i'm doing dude i'm jumping rails to say no jumping jumping that rail you fucking kidding me real quick i want to show a real quick difference between um us and you know, wives or whatever.

So we were at home the other day and one of my kids ran out and he like jumped up on me. And I was like, oh, dude, be careful. And he said something. I was like, yeah, you're lucky I didn't knock you out or something like that. And he walks away. And then my wife was standing there making lunches or something. And I was like, you ever wonder like how many kids you could just take out like if a swarm of kids came after you and it's kind of like we had this conversation sort of a while back and uh and so i was just like yeah if they come you know if they start

coming out one at a time you got time to fucking cock just yeah but if they're coming out too quick the those eventually they'll swarm you they'll overwhelm you and i was like you ever think about that and she's like why do you ever think about that? And she's like, why do you think I'm interested in this conversation? She just looks and goes, where's the spatula? Oh, sorry. Never mind. I think it's in the dishwasher.

All right. Well, just me, huh? No, fuck me, right? Just me, right. All right. Fuck me. She's like, I get you and Joe talk like that. Why do you think I have any interest in this conversation?

I don't know. I was like, I don't know. You were here. Preparedness? I had a thought in my head and you were here. And I'm stuck with you? So you want to fucking entertain me for a second? Yeah.

So that was fun. That is good. There's a huge difference between you. It's a lot different when you're talking about your kid that's right in front of you, too. True. Thanks to everyone who sent in that Detachable Penis song. We're not going to play it, but if you're interested, it's King Missile, and the song is called Detachable Penis. So if you want to go hear a funny song about a detachable penis, go check that out.

It's funny. Sometimes I completely forget what we talked about in the previous show. So then checking the emails, and it's like seven in a row of just, here, have you ever heard this? I'm like, why is this relevant? Why now? Yeah. And then forgot that we talked about it.

Talked about having a detachable peen. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, let's get into the show. Let's get things going. Let's hop on in. Let's hop on in.

Exactly, boo. Hey, shut up. Start the show already what do you have what are we doing who said what are we doing uh who's that who's there this was sent in by danny okay danny danny likes yeah danny beer what you doing bud he says i already know it's gonna be nuts would you rather okay have a trumpet for a head that plays random notes instead of you talking? Okay. So it's not even like a song. Does it have a little mute on the end?

Oh, yeah. Satchmo. Satchmo. So it's Satchmo walking around but not playing anything. Okay. Or have to walk everywhere backwards and every 10 seconds scream, duck! As loud as you can. God damn it.

Danny. Either way, you're drawing major attention to yourself. Huge attention. At least you might accidentally save some lives screaming duck. Yeah. Because, I mean, at first. The odds eventually. Yeah.

Just in there, and he goes, duck! Whoa, shit! And everyone, you know, they do get out of the way. You might feel like you saved a life. Eventually. Eventually, you get lucky and you save somebody. Isn't that kind of crying wolf, though? Yeah.

Oh, is that the duck guy again? Yeah. He's like, I'm not ducking and then he gets shot in the head. Yeah. So something hits him on the golf course.

That'd be a funny place for this guy. Walking backwards, first of all. And then just a couple of fairways over, just duck! You're like,

what? It just always looking always so paranoid. Like, why am I? And courses are fun. Certain courses have like holes that go one way and then they'll come back the next way. So like for two, three holes, you just like you're following. You just hear this guy.

People are hitting balls off of other people's fairways. Yeah. Duck! Always walking backwards. That's a struggle. But I mean, what are you you gonna do with a trumpet for a head i mean that's just i mean it it goes to at least my brain goes to charlie brown and i know that's more trombone but like all the parents you know

um that's only part of the time though that's just the parents talking have a great jazz career. Just random notes. That's true. Improvising the whole time. Trying to keep up with your lead singer as a fucking trumpet head. All the key changes because it's just random notes. The key's in whatever. Just try to keep up.

Which one are we not staying in? And then the trumpet guy just goes. All right. So we know the next one's not A. So we're just going to guess. We're going to go E flat. He's just always flat. Yeah. He's just all over the place.

Trumpet head rapping. I can't even. I wish I had a better trumpet in my arsenal. Like how to impersonate and make a trumpet sound. Yeah. Cool. No, that's not it. Trying to. and make a trumpet sound. Like a big sound? Yeah. No. Cool. No, that's not it.

Trying to do... How does the trumpet sound? Is that a trumpet? Yeah. Or is that a French horn? It did sound Frenchy. We shouldn't get too picky. I'm like, that's not even close.

Yeah. Dude, this question isn't French horn head. This is trumpet head. God. Not saxophone. Put your lips tighter. Yeah, Kenny G, calm down. I don't know how to do it, but just a picture and I don't know, like rap god or something

with the trumpet head is funny. It's just all over the place. Just sitting at a nice restaurant, you're like, you take your wife out and she's like, I'm so glad you decided to take me out, but here we are sitting at a nice restaurant. You're just like trying to hold a conversation. Every Yelp review, it's, I don't know, three to three and a half stars. But it starts out, and it's just first, the food was amazing. Like some of the best ribeye like I've ever had in this area, hands down.

But the trumpet head guy really killed the atmosphere. What's with the trumpet head guy? Why is he taking my order? He's cooking in the back? Yeah. Yeah. And I'll have the number two. It's like R2-D2, but way more annoying.

Way more annoying. Yeah, trumpet in your face is not a pleasant thing. It would be like R2-D2 speaking at, like, what's that? I always forget his name. What's his name? Which one? Misa. I always forget his name.

Jar Jar. Jar Jar. Jar Jar. It's like Jar Jar annoyance, but speaking like R2-D2. Oh, man. That's too much. Imagine that. Can't.

It immediately makes me sad. Like R2-D2 having a conversation with C-3PO, but he's just speaking like that. Oh, no thanks. Good tip! Can you ruin Starmoor's... Starmoor's? Starmoor's. I can ruin Starmoor's ward.

Don't ruin it any more than it's ruined. Can you Starmoor's ward for me? I haven't slept for a couple days. You drinking back there? Shh, maybe. You found the kegerator? A little bit. No.

I'm a fool. And then walking backwards every 10 seconds, duck. Annoying walking backwards, screaming duck. Imagine walking into that same restaurant with your wife. You're walking in backwards, holding hands with her. Yeah. Yeah. Duck!

Yeah. You want to go for a walk? No. Like, sir, okay, and ma'am, what would you like? I would like the salad, the iceberg lettuce and a bowl of soup. And he's like, what would you like, sir? I'll have the roast duck. Yeah.

It's the only way you're getting away. Excuse me, sir, where's the bathroom? Okay. You push your chair and you start walking backwards to the bathroom. And they're like, and then right as the door closes, duck! From the stall. Oh, Jesus. So if you, no, I was going to say, if you tried to walk forward, what would happen to you?

You say autocorrect to fuck. Fuck is autocorrect, yeah. But it does it over and over again. And you're like, fuck, duck, autocorrect, fuck, shit, duck, shit. I'm going to have to pick the walking backwards duck thing. I just can't have a trumpet head. Let's just be honest here. Trying to eat with a trumpet face?

No way. But you're trying to walk backwards everywhere you go. You got to look backwards. Yeah, but at least you can do it. Do you dump more food in your face if you had a trumpet? Trumpet face? Yeah, just pour that soup in. What a scene.

Shoving food and it gets... Blowing food all over. Clam chowder. It's gargling. Yeah, picture a trumpet, but throwing like clam chowder in it while it's going. Too much.

Oh, honey, thanks for taking me out to dinner. That means you're welcome. That Britney Spears when she cuts her face off in South Park. Yeah. Damn, that's an old episode. That's a nice throwback right there. That's what it would sound like. What would you pick?

I'm going backwards. That's going to be my final answer. I'm going to go Trumpet Head. Trumpet Head just for fun? Yeah, just to be uh be different just be diff same we're definitely going to be different two trumpet heads and one duck all right let's move off to the one you turn uh two trumpet heads in a duck what's the other one walk back the nice song and that sounds like a hit single yeah put it on our first album that's great it sits

it's a cover of bush it's a parody of bush gotcha it's called gush all right zach roll it baby hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about what are you thinking about well it, it's November. Hey! Which means when this episode comes out, right about now-ish is election time. Right. Right. I think. Yay.

Yeah, that sounds right. I don't know if this is legal. I don't know if I should say this is legal. Can I do that? What? What are you about to do? Well, I don't... Do you want to whisper to me?

My wife usually just votes something and she's like here sign this i'm like oh who did i vote for this year yeah that's not that's not legal you're not going to jail yeah you're going to you're going to vote jail how dare you is that fraud it sounds like it no but you signed it yeah it's your fault you signed you signed away your vote but you gave it to someone else who you trusted. Yeah. Well, that's why, like, who are we voting for? Who's doing it? Sounds good this year. You tell me what to do, babe.

So, I thought it was funny. Okay. The other day, this was before, this was like the day before Halloween or on Halloween. Okay. So, a little bit ago. But I got this text from this guy running for city council in town. Okay. So a little bit ago. But I got this text from this guy running for city council in town. Okay. Here in Spokane.

Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful. I'm not going to say his name. Okay. But he sends this text out. Hi, Brian. Don't get tricked this Halloween by all the negative ads about this election.

This is blah, blah, blah blah running for city council. And then he adds in a, it would be a real treat. He goes a bunch of stuff. It would be a real treat if I could earn your vote on November 7th. Oh, fuck you. Nice little puns. First of all, getting texts like that drive me fucking nuts because it's like,

where'd you get this number? Who'd you buy it from? And don't talk to me like you know me or you care. Brian. Yeah. But then he, but Brian with the Y like, Oh yeah,

that's very specific. Uh, but then I thought it was funny. He's like, okay, that's annoying. But then it's like, Oh, it's cringy.

Cause he's throwing in fucking puns. And then that started getting me thinking like, if that's what they all, if that's what they all if that's what it was all the time like every sort of holiday whatsoever they had a little just everything's pun oriented where we're in thanksgiving now or uh so we just had halloween so the the next text i get is like uh hopefully that sugar rush got you didn't get you down got you down and got you to the the polls yeah speaking of that if you've seen the numbers i'm slightly down so it'd be nice if if that you didn't something about a crash yeah like that that post halloween crash

you know my my my numbers are crashing right now and I could use another rush to the polls. Right. If you want me to wrap it up. I don't know. There's a rapper joke in there. I tried. I tried to squeeze one in there. It's not bad.

When you're busy stuffing turkeys, remember to stuff the ballot for Tom Bob. For Tom Bob. For City Council in beautiful North Town, Spokane. I'd be, thanks if you were giving me your vote this November 6th or whatever. What if he just didn't? Oh, man, that's such a funny thought to me. What if he just didn't stop? Whoever this guy is, we're going to call him, what'd you call him, Tom Bob?

Tom Bob. Tom Bob. All right. Tom Bob for city council. Tom Bobberson. Tom Bobberson. Lamb. What was the Lambo? Jack Bobberson. Tom Bobberson. Lamb. What was the Lambo?

Lambo. Jack O'Lambo. Jack O'Lambern. Vice president. So Tom Bob, like he just doesn't stop. Like it's now two days after he goes, hey, Brian. Haven't heard back. Haven't heard back.

I'm guessing you just didn't like my puns. What's a better way that I could talk to you? Just let me know. I really need your help right now. And you just look at him and you're like, that's kind of weird. Put it away. Next day, you're fucking, hey, man. So I'm staying on the edge of the bridge.

Wait, putting this back on the top of your feed, just checking in. Just checking in, making sure you got it. Because right now, if you don't, you're going to see me in the headlines. On top of your feed, just check it in. Just check it in, making sure you got it, because right now if you don't, you're going to see me in the headlines. All on top of a bridge. I'm looking off the edge of the Monroe Street bridge right now. Speaking of the Monroe Street bridge, it needs some remodels, doesn't it? If you vote for me,

your tax dollars will go to the bridge repairs. To putting a chain link fence up so people like me can't jump off the edge. And you're like, what the fuck? Let me know. That's Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, what the fuck? Let me know. Let me know. That's weird. Put it away.

Next morning you wake up. He's like, I have two kids. Do you want them to grow up without a dad? Vote for Tom Bob this Tuesday. You could be the difference. You could be the difference between my kids turning into delinquents. And who knows what they'll do. Ending up in jail because not having a dad or.

Or worse, murdering a member of your family. You don't want that kind of responsibility, right? You wouldn't want that, right? I mean, that'd be crazy if they did that in 10 years. I'll be long gone because I'm about to jump off this bridge. Let me know. We could nip that in the butt

real quick, though, if you'd head down to the polls. If you'd head down to the polls. If you can see, the numbers are way down. All the way down. Splats. It's been a long, long free fall. It's been a rough free fall for the last three weeks, Brian. Really could use your support.

Or if I stopped, to stop. And then you realize, wait, this is getting very specific is this is this an automated thing or is it him just doing it from his phone just him to brian with the y the next picture is like he's he's pulling his campaign sign out of your yard so i guess that fuck waste of money again your kids are in the background playing. He's like, it's over the fence into your backyard. He's like, man, they look,

they're playing ball really good right now. It'd be a lot harder to throw a baseball with two broken arms because you're using your vote. Jesus, Tom Bob.

What the fuck are you doing? Man, Miles is getting real good at throwing a baseball. It'd be a problem if you got ran over by a car tomorrow so specific you're a real bummer if you got hit by a by a dodge caravan yeah your little one look he's got he's got the legs of a of a free runner yeah or a cross-country

guy it'd be hard to win a cross-country race without any functioning legs. We sat on fire. You're like, whoa. It has, like, nothing to do with it. It'd be weird if his legs were charred. What? On account of... He's showing some real promise with that high jump. It'd be a bummer if he didn't have a house to live in because it got on fire. You're like...

Like, the threat doesn't quite make sense. Because you're using your vote. He was like, you would definitely have a better shot at winning state And track if you had a house to live in If you had a healthy home to live in And there wasn't a bomb in the basement Sleep tight I'll see you at the voting booth tomorrow

See you at the polls Reply stop to stop What were you saying Zach? I was laughing Although I would say Ad you know, advertising is already stupid enough. It already just insults us everywhere we go. Oh, absolutely. To add it from politicians who are arguably stupider than marketing people.

Yeah. It's like, oh. It's so patronizing. Yeah. But they don't seem to understand. They're not very self-aware. Or it's like you're talking to four-year-olds right now. The way you're talking is to children. but that's kind of maybe how they think

of us they do want to be in charge of us so do you want to be in charge of anybody besides your own chitrons no right well if you think that if you think you're that you're that important where all these people are listening to every word you say that's you're. You kind of are treating us like that. A few people believe us. If you send an email like that, though, I mean, you kind of disqualify yourself to a lot of... Yeah, a lot of people are like, I don't appreciate that tactic.

No, we should tar and feather those people. Tar and feathering needs to come back. Get that back in the books. Bring it. It's funny because I have this weird feeling about it because the text itself is annoying because like i'm getting a text from someone who doesn't give a shit about me he's just trying to get my vote vote someone sold my fucking number to him that so like that gets me mad but then it's like i don't know it's kind of funny you know like

it's like he threw in some puns in there. Like I can appreciate a good pun. Yeah. So I really want to be mad at him, but it's more, it's more just kind of like, Oh, come on.

You know, like how bad would it be day, day after election? He writes, he's like, I can't believe it. We won. I can turn on the news.

I think it's like a, there's been a slaughter at the voting booth. We won. I could turn on the news. I think it's like there's been a slaughter at the voting booth. We won. Turns out no one showed up to vote for the other guy. And I won. Just a trail of death. Or the other one, Nicky wins, you know, whatever, fair and square. And he's like, all right, two years.

You know, we got a great two years ahead of us. But in two years, I'm going to really need your help at the voting booth. So I'm not going to promise anything. Everything I promise is fucking shit. So I'm going to really need your help with the voting booth. So I'm not going to promise anything. Everything I promise is fucking shit. So I'm going to really need you to stand by me. And every day for the following two years, he just reminds you, hey, Brian, you're still counting your support, right? Yeah. I don't think so, Tom Bob.

That is the whole thing. It's like I, because the whole goal is to run again, right? So it's like, here's what I'm going to do. I'm like, hey, guys, I realized I didn't get this done. But I used to have enough time. So I could really use another couple of years here. Yeah. Get this fixed.

I had full intentions of doing all that shit, but it turns out it's pretty hard. Instead, what we do is we vote someone in and then vote them out. The next guy comes in, does the same thing. The same thing. Like, oh, man, it's weird. Nothing's getting done. Yeah, over and over. Okay, we have a lot of confessions to get to.

Let's jump into these babies. Zach, you got the right one ready? Yeah, you did! Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. Alright, you ready? You fucked that up. Good job. I know, you nailed it. Look at it. Look at it! Look at it. Look at it.

Oh, just look at it. I'm a professional. Yes. All right, so here's our first confession. A little sexual vibe. Yeah, of the sexual nature. Opening line, you can definitely tell where we're going here. It says, I lost my best friend because I made her cum. Bummer.

Over? Yay. For a little background, we are both women and are both in committed relationships with men. We make plans to go out, but her boyfriend wasn't available, so we went with just my boyfriend. We wind up drunk, high,

and dirty from swimming in the local waters, get back to my place, and I jump in the shower. She joins me. No big deal. Women just do shit like that right yeah more than men do i guess yeah can we can we have a separate show where we just get a bunch of emails from ladies talking about their about other ladies ladies just getting in a shower with another lady is that your thing you like no i mean oh it's not my thing but like i'll listen i mean i'm here i didn't leave right

i i the the lady on lady's great but i gotta see some penetration with a penis so if anybody has something like that i'm i bet you there's so hard to find that on the internet yeah it says yeah then her hand is around my throat and she's kissing me cool cool cool i'm down i pop out to see if my boyfriend cares and get the all clear. I go back to her. We mess around. I'm about to finger this bitch. Is that cool?

Is that fine? That's fine. That's fine. No problem, right? I mean, you're not going to be like, say it's fine now and then later bring it up? This isn't a test, right? Okay. All right.

Got the all clear. Cool. So I go back to her. We mess around. Then we move to the living room and get comfy. My boyfriend sends himself to bed so we can keep messing around honestly what a great wingman i get her off and she finishes with a oh god uh i'm glad to know i can still do that not even a minute later she says i don't know if this is going to be a deal breaker for him literally still mouth to puss and now she tells me her

boyfriend doesn't know and probably won't be okay with us hooking up. Had I known, I wouldn't have pursued it, but that doesn't really matter now. That is a funny time to bring that up. Like, just, like, you get eaten out and you're like, oh, man, I guess I'm single. And you're just like, what was that? What'd you say? I picture this, like, stop and look up, like, what'd you say? Let me get this straight. Hold on one second.

Okay. Let me get this straight. You didn't okay it? Okay. It says, anyways, we aren't friends now because she's decided that she wasn't going to tell him and that it'd just be easier just to not be friends anymore. I'm not sure how she explained it to him that we are no longer friends, but that's not my relationship, not my responsibility. However, an evil little part of me loves knowing that I can get her off while he can't and now she has to live knowing that.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I haven't been able to tell anyone except my boyfriend what happened. You didn't have to tell him. He knew. Yeah. He was listening. He was watching probably. It was pretty devastating at first, but I realize now that she came on to me, then ended our friendship because she made a mistake that she couldn't take back bye that's a it's a

lot to unpack it's a good it's interesting that is kind of funny confession to think about like him and they're getting it on and she's just not having an orgasm and she's like oh man really could use suzy right now could really use anything but this guy it's kind of you know the movies when they have like one person and then they they kind of like blend and then they're looking at each other in bed so it's like that she's just like the guy's like she's like she's bored and then the other chicks laying in bed, just like being like fingering herself or something. Or yeah, just being happy with her boyfriend. Because everything was talked about and figured out.

Watching a movie. Yeah. Watching a movie. She's like, taking a shower. Could be eating puss right now. All right. You want to read our next confession? Sure.

All right. Do it. Hey, daddies. I'm writing in to tell you that the time I basically committed a war crime on a gas station in Europe. Nice. Maybe that's playing up a bit, but I was still pretty nuts. Okay. So for our senior class trip, we went to Europe.

Wow. And my buddies and I quickly devolved into throwing stuff from our hotel room windows because they were all very tall and we were assholes. Got it. It started small from stuff like single serving boxes of Frosted Flakes. Mostly empty water bottles. Change. Things like that. Change. That could

definitely penetrate a skull. Wasn't that always the thing? Like Empire State Building. Penny would go through someone's head. Well, we got a hotel that was next door to a gas station. We were trying to figure out what we could throw that would be fun, but also disposable and were coming up short. And then one of my friends brought a plastic grocery bag and said, let's fill it with water and throw it under the roof of the gas station. Being dumb as fuck, we all agreed and thought it was a great idea.

Yeah. Filled it to the brim and tied it together to keep the water contained. Ran from one end to the other and launched this hate crime off the hotel room. I can see that being a good idea. For sure at the time. I just like how he phrased it. Launched this hate crime. Just see ya. At the time, you just want a splash.

That's all. You're just looking for a splash. I'm trying to picture where this is going. I'm about to find out. Ready? Yeah. Hit it. Wound up falling short of the roof, thank God, but it hit the top of the gasoline pricing sign, and the concussion from it was like nothing I'd ever heard.

It literally shook the entire hotel we were in. I'm going to do some math real quick, just so Joe doesn't have to get it wrong. At 8 pounds, with a target roughly 65 feet away in free fall, it would have hit the sign with around 17,000 foot-pounds of force, which is comparable to a 50-cal

bullet. Luckily, the object was soft plastic, so it had a lot to give. When we looked in the morning, the entire top of the sign was cratered in. Man. I'm just glad that nobody got hurt, and after that, we were too nervous to throw shit off our hotel buildings anymore. I don't care if you guys use my name. I don't care if you guys use my name, and I don't apologize for this long-ass email.

Why is throwing shit off buildings so much fun? Good question. I was just in Coeur d'Alene last weekend. Why is throwing shit off building so much fun? Good question. I was just in Coeur d'Alene last weekend. I was spitting off. Yeah, what is that? I know, but why? It's like, look, physics. Yay! I think so.

It's just watching it fall. Yeah, just like a primal instinct. You're like, me high, me throw thing down. Like rolling tires down a hill. Fuck yeah. was trying to think of like standing high throwing shit yeah standing balcony that's not about me throwing throwing bag and water bag of water so much 17 is i mean given he got his conversions correct 17 000 pounds of force and then no evidence right because it's just water and it dried up yeah it just exploded and they're so like they probably the i pictured

the grocery bag still being stuck to the sign a little bit and they're like how the fuck did that grocery bag do that but i mean yeah i can the relief being that happy you didn't hit the roof of the building because what could have happened he just shot through the fucking roof just kills the yeah the person working there just like what an embarrassing way to die too get hit by a bag of water who had that on their bingo card? Cause of death. Bag of water? It's like that big snowball the other week. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the giant snowflake.

No evidence. Yeah, it kills you and then melts. Sounds like one of those riddles. Yeah. What's stabby? Mm-hmm. What could fall through a roof? Have no evidence and then kill somebody and then be embarrassing to their family.

Like, hmm. Who could that be? Yeah. I mean, imagine like the, you know, the, the ring on the, you push the doorbell, family opens the door and there's an officer of this hat off standing there. He's like, we lost him. Oh no. What happened? He's like, hold on.

Hold on. Um, he got, he got hit by a bag of water. Trying to do that with a straight face when your family's... What? Fucking what? A bag of water, ma'am. Like, did the bag suffocate? Did it go...

No. Just water. No. Just water in a bag. Yeah. Fucking crazy. Anyway. anyway anyway there's no evidence as you can imagine have a good day yeah no sign of foul play probably was but no there's no sign of it because you know it was a bag of water and the signs destroyed so i don't know

there's a lot of there's a lot of irony in this whole thing and we're just pretty bummed that he's dead and pretty well we weren't there to see it. All right. So we'll see you at the funeral. See you at the funeral. Three while water. But they don't have water at the funeral, so you want to bring your own bottle of water. Okay, let's move off to our next confession. This one. Am I gross for being slightly fascinated by horse dicks?

No. Not sexually. Although I am a straight woman and I just like dick. I am a male carrier and I deliver to a lot of very rural towns. Some of these towns are mostly dominated by Amish households who tend to have a lot of horses.

Every time I go there, I tend to look around at the horses just to see which ones are males and which ones are sporting enormous dicks. And I can't help and I can't help but have it catch my eye. It's kind of like when you see a car accident and you just can't stop staring. Maybe it's because their dicks are human-like, especially people like Joe.

Hey-o! I don't know. Am I gross for this or would y'all consider it natural? No, I mean, dicks are funny. Dicks, man. You can't not look at a massive horse dick. You can't just be like, it's not there. It's there.

Yeah. I mean, it's one thing to go searching out horse dicks. If she goes out, if she's like, yes, got a delivery to the Smiths today. Look at, look, so many dicks. Look at the horse dicks. Like singing little songs as she drives out there. There's a dick. There's a dick.

A lot of dicks. A lot of dicks. A lot of dicks. Horsey dicks. Like if you're getting pumped to go out there to look at horse dicks, I mean, I doubt you're alone, but i i don't know i don't want to say it's weird i guess i haven't spent when i grew up and plenty of farms around there was not let's let's let me just try and put it this way there wasn't a single time that i was going out to like a buddy's ranch right and i was like fuck yeah i'm so pumped i'm having a play date at Ben's. Because I can't wait to see all those horse dicks.

Like that's never been a thought. Not one time. Not one time am I just being like, today's going to be a great day to look at horse dick. My cousin and I, we used to go out to his farm. And we used to throw apples at the horse's butts and it made him fart. Nothing sexual. Nice. Just it would hit him in the butt and he would kick and fart.

It was hilarious. That is fucking funny. Even funnier if a big dick's bouncing around with it. I mean, I get that. That would have added extra points for sure. Extra points. Just swinging dick around. Throw an apple swinging dick. You know what I mean? Are you just bored with horse dicks though, Joe?

Is that the problem? Just looking at his own dick. Just another... Once you've seen one horse cock, you've seen them all. Oh yeah, you mean like every morning? Actually, I was designing some cards and I had to actually put a dick on a horse. It's a pretty interesting look.

It's like a churro. Yeah, it's just like I had to pull a dick dick on a horse. It's a pretty interesting look. Like a normal? It's like a churro, yeah. It's just like I had to pull a dick pic from somewhere of a horse dick. Nice. I was like, wow, that is really odd looking. Yeah. Alien looking, yeah. Alien looking penis.

Have you ever watched a horse get ejaculated? No comment. Maybe. Have you had to jerk off a horse? Never had to jerk off a horse. Nice. You've seen it? The little sleeve that they do?

I signed up for it, but they didn't allow me to. They did a background check? They're like, no, no. You know how bad your background has to be to not be allowed to jerk horses off? Your credit's too low, sir. You have to have a sketchy background. If they do a little, they're like, it's just formality. No one has ever been turned down from jerking horses off.

590 credit score score no horse jerking for you this is just something we got to do with the llc like to keep that intact and they do want and they're like you're to get away from my horse like they're like you're not you know we're near the stable zach you can't even milk cows with this shit you gotta man what did you do if there was a if there was a fucking uh waiting period or some sort of a fucking like a waiting list or no no like a waiting period like you go sign up to jerk horses off and they're like all right you gotta run a gun yeah like you gotta wait you gotta you you gotta run your background check and we'll call you in three days.

You gotta cool off first. Yeah, you're cooling down, period. Because they're just thinking you're going there to like, you get something out of it. Like, I'm just going to jerk horses off. Yeah, they're like, listen, everyone looks at some weird point from time to time. You gotta cool down, period. Okay? We're going to need you to go home.

Just go jerk off. Okay? Get it out of your system. Get it out of your system, and then come back here and you tell me you still want to jerk a horse off. But just go flush it out. Get the jitters out, and see if you still want to do this for 48 hours. It's basically like you go to a sperm bank.

They send you into a little room. It's like, oh, you want to jerk this horse off? Sure do. All right. Come back. Pop in here. They hand you like a... They like oh yeah you want to jerk this horse off sure do all right come back pop in here they hand you like a they handcuff you yeah that's the only question they ask all right take a seat uh i think it's gonna do like picture of a horse dick out like how does that make you feel yeah that's pretty cool all right cuff him cuff this motherfucker get him boys get

him out of here. Unbelievable. I don't know. I think that's kind of cool, Dick. What do you think about that? What does that do for you? Nothing. How about this one? It's a fucking cow udder.

I don't know. That's pretty cool. Cuff him. Get the fuck out of here. Not in my sperm bank. Not in my fucking sperm bank. That's like some weird straight versus... Jerking for Jesus? Like super weird rules? At a religious themed sperm bank?

Jerking for Jesus? Flipping like reading the Bible? Does this do anything for you? No, I hate this. Get out of here. This is one of the sexiest, sexiest verses in the whole Bible. Nothing? Get out of here.

That would be a fun top five. Sexiest verses in the Bible. Sexiest verses in the Bible. Which one? The one where everyone gets burned? Or the one where, like, you know, other things that are in the Bible because I haven't read it in 40 years i this i love this little playground that we're in right now where there's some stipulation to to like whether you're whether you're you're okay to go jerk these horses off but if you come back like sorry there's a ding like you got dinged somehow like there was a you put in your thing and you're like're like, you're checking your credit,

and you're like, oh, sorry. Like, what is that thing that they're like, sorry, we can't let you jerk this horse off. Listen, this was right on the, we met, this was right on the line. The board voted. The board voted, and you need to get out of here. It was unanimous. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. It was five to four.

It was close. But you're not jerking off horses today. All right, Zach? Not again. Yeah, try again. Try again in a couple weeks. I'm going to go find a llama. Yeah.

Well, I mean, there's got to be something around here I can jerk off. I know there's some quadruped dicks around here somewhere. What about that one? He's so old. He's just in a corner in an alley jerking off a dog. It's fine. This is better. This is okay.

At least I'm doing something with my day. Fucking drive all the way out here. Waste of gas. I don't need to jerk off anything. No, last thing and then we'll move on. I don't know if I want to. You said, well, we have to. When you said there's a ding, for whatever reason, I pictured it like when you're renting

a car or like a jet ski. You have to go around and write the damage you're going out to dick jerk horse farm and they make they take you fill out the little graph you look at the dick you're like a little blemish there so that when you're done you don't get charged for the damage. I didn't do that. I was there when I got here. It's like the UPS truck. Or not UPS, like a U-Haul truck. They're like, a little something here on the fender.

Make sure to write down anything that you see, so you won't be held accountable. So you're walking around this horse dick. A pad you walk around. Circling the balls. You're like, mm-mm, that one's bigger. I don't get charged for that.

Left one's hanging a little low. I don't want to get charged for that. No way I'm getting charged for that again. Learn my lesson. Exactly. Experience, baby. That wasn't an experience. Now, would you like to get the uh the the horse the

the coverage the extended coverage any coverage no that's a ripoff i got it last time i'm not paying for two left nuts so no thank you actually are you sure are you sure oh my god once walking around circling stuff. Oh, so hot. No, you think that won't show up. Man better circle it. Better safe than sorry. You just got to write everything down.

You just circle the whole dick. I've just gotten in so much trouble. We're going to say this is all the way. This was all here before I got here. Now give me that dick. I just visualized like an review for that, too. Some sort of review. It's like a horse jerking off farm.

And people, when they go home, they write the reviews. Like the five-star versus the one-star. It's all five-stars and then just one person, Zach. There's like eight one-star reviews and it's Zach. And he's like, they wouldn't let me jerk off a horse again. Fuck this place. Again. Again.

I came in three weeks in a row. Would not let me jerk this thing off. Nothing but five stars. I went through everything. All the steps I needed to. I jumped through

all the hoops. I sanded my hands. Or whatever. I don't know what the requirements are for a horse jerk for it. Okay. I'm visualizing

like someone being like one, horse wouldn't come. Horse barely came. Took forever. I was late for dinner. Forearm burn. I got in trouble with my wife because I was late for dinner because this horse would never fucking come. And I know I'm good at it because I come so fast. One star.

The last horse, I mean, it was like that. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it was the connection or whatever. Like, he looked me in the eye. This horse wouldn't even look at me. And fucking, I was late for dinner. He never came. Waste of time. One star.

Would not recommend. Go down the street to Jimmy's Jerk Farm. I was going to say. Don't waste your time. Yeah, go down to the other one. Quit wasting your time at Jerk for Yeah, go down to the other one. Quit wasting your time and jerk for Jesus. Head down to Jimmy's Jerk Farm, where they actually take care of their customers.

You even get a gift bag. To go? A sample? You even get to keep some of the semen. Okay, let's move on to our next confession. Go ahead, Brian. We got it. We got to get on to it.

Oh, I don't know where we're at. Okay. That one. I've been with my husband for eight years. Okay. Married for four. Nice. The last month or two, things have been going downhill.

Fuck. I've been talking to another guy for a while now. I was up front with him about being married and all that. Okay. Irregularly. Nice word. That's such a weird word. Hook up.

I asked him if he was single because I could handle hurting one person, but not someone I didn't know. Sounds heartless, I know, but I don't give a fuck at this point. Okay. I got it. He informed me he was single. Okay. Three days later, I'm scrolling around Facebook when I see a familiar face and the people you may know.

I click on it and it's mr single himself the profile you ask his wife's now i kind of have this subconscious moral dilemma but i think at the at the point of not caring anymore i'm at the point of not caring yeah that one's that one's tough and i actually remember this one coming through the emails and I responded. And it was just like, well, tread lightly. It all goes the same way. Like either handle it now and just, and just get out and do what's best. If you're not happy or you, you got to throw the fucking brakes on and go 100% back into your marriage.

Like you take, I mean, things are going to be different forever. You've already, you've already stepped outside. And once you do that do that it's just like it's so easy to do it again like once that line is crossed and you somehow have rewired your brain into being like i could do these things uh speaking from experience the line gets a little blurry it just and eventually just fucking goes away and it's not fair for anybody involved especially your husband i mean i don't know what he's doing. I don't know the ins and outs of the relationship. Like if there this would be what I what I mean by that.

Like, let's say it's a fucking abusive relationship. The husband is an asshole. Then you're like, well, I'm going to fucking do this. I'd be like, all right, cool. But there's still another person involved. There's a lot of guys. Why? Exactly.

There's all of this other shit involved. Totally. And so just know, just know the chances of it exploding are way up there. How do you want it to, how do you want it to go down? Maybe you should seduce the wife. Yeah. What? And then that way, well, then that way.

Cheat with both him and his wife. Yeah. And then convince them to not tell each other Right, and then have the wife bang your husband So then everybody's got a secret Or then you're just like, oh, I caught you all And then like, well, let's just have like an orgy now Anyway, I just want to fucking head on down to Jimmy's jerk farm

Fucking rub some out Anytime you're thinking about cheating on your wife Go down to Jimmy's jerk farm I can see some out. Anytime you're thinking about cheating on your wife, go down to Jimmy's jerk farm. I can see the billboard right now. You think about cheating? It's usually like jerking for Jesus, right? That's the jerking for Jesus sign. Thinking about cheating?

This lust got you down? Come out to jerking for Jesus and let one go. Or whatever. Just say nay. Just say nay. Just say nay. With the happiest horse it's ever been. For all teeth. Come see happy. Happy.

Come see sunshine. Happy slappy. Come see sunshine over at fucking Jesus Jerk Ranch. I don't, I'm going to have to, I don't know when this email came. I'm saying, I'm just going to tell you right now. Put the brakes on. I know you don't give a fuck. And you reach that point where you don't give a fuck.

Then I am going to say, do the right thing. And just, you got to get out. You got to get out. You got to get out. Either get out of your marriage and get out of the relationship and just be single and just get back out. But just fucking put all the brakes on, put all the brakes on. That's the only advice I have. Just don't do it.

Don't do it. Yeah. Don't do it. Honestly, it's like any lie that you're in, it's just like that stress of like, I got to keep living. Just, yeah. It's best to just do, you know. Yeah. Put it into it.

Brutal. Brutal. All right. So here's the- Real quick. Oh. Real quick. You get music for it then.

I love the idea of somebody reviewing. I went down to G's Jerk Farm because I was feeling like I needed to. I was feeling lustful. I went down there and jerked off a horse. Didn't change. And my wife has never been happier. You're like, what?

Or I still had to. So I went out and cheated. I almost cheated. I wish I would have gone out to Jimmy's Jerk Farm. Instead, I still had to. So I went out and cheated. It didn't work. I almost cheated. Yeah. I wish I would have gone out to Jimmy's jerk farm. Instead, I'm divorced. My kids are from a broken home. I should have just jerked off a horse.

I'll never not listen to Jimmy again. Oh, how things could have been different. I guess I would have jerked off. I just would have jerked off happy the. Happy the whatever quarter horse. The apple. What are they called? Split a jerked off happy the... Happy the whatever quarter horse. The Appalachian... What are they called? I wish I knew more horses at this point.

Clydesdale. Clydesdale. It's going to have a sizeable feet. Talk about having your hands full. Yeah. Bugweiser. So my best friend in high school, John, who was 15, had a crush on Brittany, who was 18. He had told me about her, how he thought she was a contender for the one.

There's a ton of quotations in this thing. I then made it my wish to wingman my ass off and get my guy the girl. One day after school, we were all hanging out together. I'm making sure to give them room. I'm talking them up, calling them cute together. That is a good wingman. I mean, you've played that role before? I've done that before for friends.

Yeah. He's probably the best person on the planet. Yeah, but then usually what happens is they're like, wow, you're such a good friend. I'll blow you instead. Well, fuck. Here we go. Everything I had ever known. Right in front of him.

About attraction at 14. It seemed to be going well. We went back to his house, hung out, and played video games. They took the two-seater couch, and I took the recliner. I mean, probably more comfortable anyway. She got bored with the games, and one of us mentioned hide and go seek for nostalgic fun, so we did. After a couple of rounds hiding in closets and bathrooms in the house, we end up all hanging out in one closet together in pitch blackness. Jackpot!

Here's the perfect time for me to give them their space and let the magic happen. Whose hand is that? I ask as I feel a hand graze the front of my pants. Sorry, says John. Thinking that he might have done it on accident, I don't pay attention to it as we all just keep talking. I feel it again, but this time it stops, grabs a handful,

and then Brittany kisses me. John is still talking. Still put the moves on. Anyway, so there it was, drinking off his horse. Ah, man, so that was the third lamp I broke that day. My mom was like really upset. You're just tugging your dick? Mm-hmm.

John is still talking and doesn't notice anything as she continues to feel me up. Then one thing led to another, and while John was still standing there talking to a distracted audience, Brittany and I do nothing. I fight off every dumb caveman thought in my brain and took the lead to leave the closet. She and I hooked up a couple days later, and that's when it happened. But I had to put in the backstop, maybe as well make it a fakeout. Might as well make it a fakeout. Might as well make it a fakeout.

I haven't told John about it, and Brittany said she was going to because she felt bad about it. But I haven't heard anything yet, and John and I still talk from time to time. I still feel bad about it, but take small comfort that, one, I didn't initiate it, and two, teenage boys will fuck anything. Three, she started it. Or maybe I'm a dirtbag. You decide this Sunday. Beautiful downtown Coeur d'Alene. Sunday, Sunday.

We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge. Kid's seat's still five bucks. Five bucks. Sponsored by Little Richard's Hot Dogs. And by Jimmy's Jerk Farm. Jimmy's still five bucks. Five bucks. Sponsored by Little Richard's Hot Dogs. Sponsored by Jimmy's Jerk Farm. Jimmy's Jerk Farm. Happy wife, happy horse. What?

Well, you called that one, Brian. You knew exactly where it was going. The whole fucking, you're like, yeah, well, fucking, then you start kissing this chick in the closet. I've never wingmanned and ended up hooking up with the person I was wingmanning for trying to get with the other girl. Because you're a good wingman. Yeah. Well, yeah, sure. There's been times, though, where you, like, early on, high school shit, like, you know

someone you know, like a buddy, like, likes this girl, and then, like, things just don't work out with them, and then months later, you're like, okay. Are you free game? Am I right? So you're like Maverick, just leaving your wingman and plowing the fucking mig a couple days later. These are all references I don't know. Top Gun. But I'm sure they're great.

Top Gun references. I am. Who do you think you are? I am dangerous. Ice man. Ice man. Who do you think you are? Ice man! Okay, read the next confession for us, Bray Guy. Okay, here's a little goose grease for you.

When you want to shoot shit with your gaggle. That, here's a little goose grease for you. When you want to shoot shit with your gaggle. Oh, that's good. Yeah. A little goose grease? Yeah. This fuck sounds expensive. Growing up in the vast

woodlands of Michigan's Upper Peninsula. It sounds like downtown. Yeah. Welcome to beautiful Michigan's Upper Peninsula.

We're over a third of the state's land mass contains about 5% of the population, and logging is a primary industry. So many fucking horse decks out there. I recently had an astonishing realization. My only knowledge about chainsaw safety was provided to me by a general surgeon during a routine breast biopsy. What? That's a sentence. Tell me more.

I'm listening. While on a surgical rotation in nursing school, I was able to stand in with a surgical team as they performed various scheduled operations. One of them was a routine excision of a small breast mass. The well-seasoned surgeon there that day took the opportunity to regale his captive audience with a few of his more gruesome tales from the surgical trenches. Okay. Hold a coffin. And the surgeon's like, stop me if you've heard this one. Yeah, so there it was.

So there it was. Balls deep in a chainsaw. While we began cutting into the twilight sedated patient on the table, he started with asking, does anyone know how to properly use a chainsaw? There was no response other than a few uncomfortable laughs and uneasy glances from behind surgical masks. That's always been my, it's like just, that's kind of seductive though too. Like just like seeing like a nurse, like a, she might be ugly underneath the thing, but there's something about her eyes looking at you You know, I mean nice eyes. Yeah, at least got that. Yeah

Uh, where was I uh, he went on well, then let me tell you how not to use one He then told us about what he called his traumatic and tragic case when he was on his trauma rotation as a resident in doctor school Just on the street. Right next to Jimmy's fucking. Jimmy's Jerk Farm. Yeah. Jimmy's Jizz Factory? Talk about horse glue, am I right?

I was going to make a glue joke, too. Woman was brought into the ER, having sustained massive deep cuts to her breasts and chest wall from a chainsaw. Yikes. She had been clinging to life when she got there. The story he was given was how the woman received her injuries was epic. Apparently, the woman had been having a rootin' tootin' argument with her lumberjack husband after a few too many drinks. At some point, she became physically violent with him, and he attempted to de-escalate the situation. He locked himself in the bathroom.

This occurred back in the late 60s, early 70s. A lot of the houses in the area were old. Mining area early 1900s have solid wood doors. Okay. This enraged the woman even more, leading her to grab his chainsaw out of his trunk, fire it up, and take a running lunge at the bathroom door, slamming the running blade against it with all her might. Man.

This is where he inserts a lesson of chainsaw etiquette and physics. With the rotating blade and the dense, solid, flat surface, you need to approach it slowly with steady force. Otherwise, it will immediately bounce back at you in the same amount of force you essentially and will essentially bisect you. Oh, man. So now I know. So now I know. So now I know, and knowing is half the battle. Yeah, Joe. This is a doctor story.

Oh, you're not going to believe this one. This is something that the doctor probably told is a doctor story. Oh, you're not going to believe this one. And you're just... This is something that the doctor probably told around a Thanksgiving table. Like, you know, cutting into his turkey. Oh, this reminds me. This is the craziest shit.

Can you actually agree? Hand me the breast. Yeah. Speaking of breast, this one chick came in fucking basically cut in half. And she was fucking running to the door of the chainsaw. We passed the gravy.

We passed the stuffing. I mean, if this lady was full of this stuff, the stuffing. And we came shooting out. Fuck, this is good, though. But it's such a doctor thing. Like, the lesson is the most fucked up story, but they're also jaded. Yeah, they've seen it all. They've seen it all.

There's nothing left. They don't fucking care. Nice bedside, or table side manner. Yeah. Oh, man, There's nothing left. They don't fucking care. Nice bedside or tableside manner. Yeah. Oh, man. It's not the craziest thing at work today,

hon. Yeah. What was it? All right. Just dive into it. Yeah. 11 p.m. This guy came in

holding his penis. You're not gonna believe this. In his hand. And it was me. He rips the sheets off and his dick's gone. Ha ha.

Gotcha. Ha ha. Abracadabra. Happy anniversary. Okay, this is our final confession for today. Around early 2004, before I joined the military, me and my boy went out to Hooters for a fine gourmet dinner before I shipped off to the shittiest state in the United States, Texas. Sorry if you're from Texas.

I don't mind it. I've been plenty times. Congratulations to the Texas Rangers. Yeah, go Rangers. I've been plenty times. Congratulations to the Texas Rangers. Yeah, go Rangers. That's fun for them. Fuck them. Fuck them! Yeah.

Well, it should have been the Mariners. Where was I? Oh, can I just mention really quick here for people that aren't from the area of Spokane or Coeur d'Alene? There's a Hooters between the two towns. It used to be a Hooters. Now it's a church. I just wanted to make sure they know that.

Yeah, it's a church,ers. Now it's a church. I just want to make sure they know that. So that's fun. Because we are badasses, we decided to order three entrees smothered in their 9-11 sauce. And I have a stomach of steel, by the way. We'll see.

I feel like we should clarify that it's probably the 9-1-1 sauce and not 9-11. Well, never forget. We split two dozen shrimp, two dozen wings,

and some type of French fry concoction all soaked in their 911 sauce. We hammered it all home and bounce. Now, I'm 6'3", at the time about 190 pounds, and this asshole drove a small-ass Chevy S10 single-cam pickup. We're heading home, and about five minutes after we left, I felt my stomach do something it's never done and has never done since. It cried. I told my buddy he was 60 seconds, he had 60 seconds to pull this fucking truck over before I shit myself. This was no

exaggeration. He said I was fine and to hold it. You're good, dude. You're good, dude. Are you sure they didn't go to Arby's? That sounds like an Arby's experience. It sure does. I told them the next exit he needs to pull off, we're going to have to stick a match in this thing when we get home. He senses the fear in his voice, and he immediately cuts off a handful of cars and catches the next off-ramp. I told him to stop the truck right now.

We're halfway down the off-ramp, and he pulls over, jumps the curb into the grass, and I jump the fuck out. There were trees lined up right off of the off-ramp, and I fucking beelined it right to the closest tree, drop my pants, mount the fuck up, and unload my insides. I feel the backsplash on the back of my calves. It sounded like a pressure washer pointed straight into the ground.

Fuck yeah. As my eyes rolled into the back of my head, I came to and realized, I thought for a second I was going my head, I came to and realized. I thought for a second I was going to say I came. I also came. I also came. I also jizzed my. So anyway, I went home and came out to my family.

I'm just like, the what? How did we get here? As my eyes rolled back into my head, I came to and realized all the fucking cars, headlights exiting the off ramp are pointed right at me. I started to panic and had no idea where my boy was. Just so exposed. I hear a bit of noise, and I'm thinking, God damn it, is it the cops? Sure enough, I look right, and there's my buddy posted up on a tree next to me shitting his brains out, too.

We both start laughing, and I ask him if he has any napkins or anything in his micro-machine truck, which he did. Thankfully, his truck was partially parked on the grass, half hanging over the curb, so he didn't have far to go. The whole time, cars were slowing down, got several cars flashing their bright lights at us, intentional or not. We clean up, jump in his go-kart, and leave.

To this day, we laugh about it all the time. Since the end of 2020, or since 2022 into 2023, I've been through a metric fuckton of shit, but you guys have helped me through it all. I love the show. I refuse to listen to anyone else, and rarely do I actually laugh my ass off. Most recently, the episode where you guys lose about the dude who sleeps with his teddy bear. I'm not sure.

Some missing word in there. We talked about the guy that still sleeps with his teddy bear, worked the graveyard shift, and woke up at 9.30 p.m. I even went to YouTube to watch it. I can't even over-exaggerate how awesome you guys are. I listen to you guys every night while I wind down and dread the day when I have to wait like a fucking peasant for the next episode. Keep up the good work and tell Zach he's the cherry on top. Aw. Thank you.

Love a good shit story. Yay. Good stuff. on top. Oh, thank you. Love a good shit story. Yay. Good stuff. All right. Well, thank you guys for the confessions. If you have one, please send them in. All of them. We want to see them.

We'll do another confessions episode down the road. Just head to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. That's where you send that in. Plus anything else you want to see on the show. All right. For some good news. Yes. Let's fucking Zach it that in, plus anything else you want to see on the show. Are you ready for some good news? Yes. Let's fucking Zach it up then, dude.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah! All right. What is it? What is the good news? Student, well, this is going to be funny because all the people that give me shit for having an electric car.

Oh, nice. Students build world's first off-road solar-powered SUV and drive it across Morocco. That's pretty fun. Students in the Netherlands have designed a solar-powered SUV that doubles as a small camper van to produce the ultimate concept car for off-grid adventure and sunny climbs.

Love it. Driving 620 miles across Morocco, the Stella Terra, as it's called showed a wide variety of advantages over existing electric suvs morocco has a huge variety of landscapes and huge services in quite a short distance car test on every type of service in a car like this sound like the micro machine guy yeah um anyway yeah you can read about it if you want yep but how fucking cool is that because that's the one thing like um i had trucks and stuff like that and i've always thought about like

getting some sort of a solar setup yeah to be but you still have to like drive up there then you can set up and run everything off solar but if you could just drive and run all this shit off solar and basically be free of any sort of like i have to stop for anything no charge station just go just go off road and just go into the fucking wherever wherever you want to go they're gonna figure it out and the that intersection that point when they have solar power vehicles that never have to stop mixed with you don't have to drive it is going to be one hell of a time to be alive like you're just like i don't know like you work from home and we just get in a car and you just fuck off and then you wake up in new york city like by the time you have to do anything you're

in like you could be across the entire country it'll be like a bullet train solar bullet train amazing yeah just whatever see you there i'll be in i'll just work i'll work this week and then i time it right i took off on whatever on wednesday and by the time the weekend hits i'm in fucking miami and you just work yeah they'll have basically like they're like like an office it won't have to look like a car you talked about that like we're just so used to it having to have car things if you don't need all that shit, it's just a living room now. Yeah. You'll have TV and couch and it just drives you across the country.

Just sitting couch, hanging living room. So much cross-country jerking off will be occurring. Yes. Sitting couch, jerking horse. To go fucking horse cock to jerk off. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's awesome.

I'm very excited about the advancements in the solar powered or the, yeah, solar powered world. Maybe I shouldn't ruin this by saying, do they have like a horse cock dildo that you can buy? Yes, certainly. Come on.

That was the silliest. That was the silliest thing you've ever asked. I'm just going to tell horse. Horse cock dildo. Okay, you look that up, and we're going to move off to the, hey, look what I found. Hanky's toys. Hanky's toys? Yeah, that's what the website is. There it is.

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! You want to show this real quick, Zach?

You want to show it? Just real quick. As long as we don't get in trouble for it. Oh, yeah, maybe we shouldn't. Oh, that's my computer. Uh-oh. Yeah, don't show it. Yeah, don't show it.

Okay. It's gigantic. Gigantic horse dick? It is nice. It is nice. It is nice. It's on the hankies toys. Oh, horse cock dildo porn video.

It's not going to go there, though. Well, you could. But yeah, it's there. It's a whole thing. I mean, if they got dragon tentacle dildos, bet your ass they got a horse dildo. I guess that was, well, yeah. They got a horse pussy. I know that much.

Yesterday, I saw a Darth Vader dildo with all the buttons and all the weird shit on him. Nice. That looks like that. Did you come? Did you come yet? I am Luke's father.

What? I'm your stepdaddy. I'm your stepdad. So, holiday stretch. Heading into the holiday season, right?

Tons of holiday movies. Tons of movies. And the reason I thought about this was, was looking around i forget if they can't think it was nightmare before christmas because we had talked about it and then i was

thinking well i wonder if you can watch that right now and then i started just bouncing around to different streaming platforms and i got it like two in and i just stopped and i was like there's got to be something better because there's so many streaming platforms. There's got to be a one easy, one stop place. A one stop shop. For me to figure out where something is streamed. So there is. And it's justwatch.com. That's it.

It's that simple. You go in and you just search for whatever movie you're looking for. And it tells you on what platform it is available. And it tells you like some of them you have to buy uh and then some places you know whatever it just tells you exactly where it's at but some like some have it for free like netflix is like free on netflix but it's 2.99 on prime video but it tells you all that stuff give me give me a movie let's see if it's screaming somewhere barbie well all right barbie will be there so i I look up Barbie.

I'm going to push enter on Barbie. There we go. Zach, you want to bring it up here? So it tells me that you have it available on Cinema, Cinema something. It's for $20 on Apple TV, $20 on Amazon. And the different versions of Barbie. Play, blah, blah, blah.

Microsoft Video. Who has that, first of all? I didn't know that was a thing. Yep, didn't know that existed. Zach, give me a movie. RoboCop 2. RoboCop. Wish I would have thought something cool like that.

RoboCop 2, 1990. Let's see if it's available anywhere. You can stream it on Fubu and you can rent it for $3.99 on Apple TV. Kickboxer. Those are the watch nows, but it has all these other best priced stream, rent, buy, you see them all listed

there. You can watch it on Roku, but it has ads. So it tells you every single place it is. I just pulled up Kickboxer. Yeah? We got, yeah, Voodoo, Tubi with ads, Pluto, Plex, all those. So that's a nice little thing. Juststream.com.

I like that. I like it. Because I actually do that. I'm like, we'll be like, oh, what movie do we want to watch? I'm like, okay, where can we find it? And then I have to Google it. And then usually it's not where it says. It was like a year ago or something.

Has the updated list that's not actually updated. No matter what happens when you go to Prime, it's like $2.99. Prime's like like here's all these videos you can watch with ads and then we have five of them for free yeah thanks for your money um okay let's hear from some of our some of our kids this week i think it's time to do that hey zake pooh all right let's hear what you guys think really you want You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right.

What you got there? Whoa, what's that? Our first email is coming in from our son, Mike. Okay, hey, Mike. Hey, Mikey. Hey. How you doing? Hey, daddies, Papa Joe.

Okay. Oh, hey, daddies. Okay. Papa Joe, you keep talking about getting busted with your switchblades at the airport. Yeah. I'd like to confess to you of what I got away with. Okay. Papa Joe, you keep talking about getting busted with your switchblades at the airport. Yeah. I'd like to confess to you of what I got away with. Okay. My ex-wife, should this be a confession?

My ex-wife and I went on our honeymoon to the Bahamas in June of 08. Me being me, I kept an eye on security when we were on our way off the plane in Freeport. Where the fuck that is? Okay. Wednesday, we were almost out of money with 77 bucks left, and I hit 950 in one hit. Nice. We decided to celebrate

and wander through Freeport looking for nightlife. It's like, well, we can put this money away. It's like, nah, fuck it, dude. Fuck that, dude. Let's go spend it. Yeah, let's go.

What are you, a pussy? Fucking pussy still. Okay. Local was watching us from a bar and said, Bud or blow? He had to repeat it because we were dumb tourists. My ex looks at me, blow? I reply, Bud? Well, we decided on Bud and we were shuffled away in an early 90s century for a long drive with a strange person.

What are you doing? Getting Bud is what they're doing. Oh, my God. and we were shuffled away in an early 90s century for a long drive with a strange person. What are you doing? Getting bud is what they're doing. Oh, my God. The hurricane ravaged countryside at 10 o'clock at night in a rundown apartment complex. As he's inside getting our quarter for 50, she and I are planning our escape plan in case it goes wrong. Well, it didn't go wrong,

and he handed us some of the most beautiful buds I ever saw. When I heard bud, the first thing I thought of was beer. Like, you want blow or bud? Budweiser. You want cocaine or Budweiser? Would you like cocaine or vitamin B? Oh my god. Ibuprofen or Molly?

Just so far away from each other? The ends of the spectrum. Gatorade or ecstasy? Okay. Whenever you go to someone's house, would you want a beer or water or whatever? If it was that. Cocaine or meth?

Yeah, cocaine or meth. Which one do you want? I don't know where I am. Most beautiful buds we ever saw. We went back to the motel to have crazy motel smoke. Nice. Okay, so now I set the picture for why I did what I did next. It was good weed, and I wasn't leaving it behind.

As I said, Eagle lied to security on the way in, and I knew we would make it out of the Bahamas, but wasn't sure about the U.S. I stuffed a bag of minus four or five bowls into my cargo shorts, and I walked right through customs lying through my teeth when asked if I was carrying any plants or vegetation. When we got to our seats, my ex leans over and says, I can smell it. Needless to say, I was a bit paranoid for the rest of the trip to Denver, even after my ex body spray treatment. Sorry, not sorry for the length. Big Mike. P.S. And boy, I have some poop stories for you because I used to work at a gas station and clean the bathrooms. Oh, man.

My own personal story is an amendment to the story. Love you, brother. Bye. Oh, man. Yeah, send some of those in. I love a good poop story. Man, I'm glad you didn't get caught. Yeah. Back in my weed smoking days, I remember that, but not like going through security, but over to a friend's house and you'd smoke and you thought everything was fine. And you'd be sitting there later and be like, I can just, my whole body smells like weed.

And you sit next to the parents. You're like, there's no way you don't know. We got stopped at the Canadian border. In a bunch of weed? I didn't know. I didn't know. I had gone to bed early and my two friends were up smoking that night. No.

And then they had some weed on. We were going to a Pearl Jam concert in Vancouver. Nice. And we get stopped and they're like, then they finally told me. And I was so fucking sick because I was like, I have to call. I was like, I'm going to have to call my mom and say that we got busted for weed at the Canada border. That's a fun one. But they let us go. Good.

Good. That's nice of them. Fuck yeah, dude. Cool Canadians, man. Canada used to be a real country. It was kick-ass then. Oh yeah, I remember that. Okay, let's read our last little bit here. It's coming in from our fighter son, Jim, who says, I similarly,

hey similarly age daddies, and a nice warm hug for Uncle Z. Totally weird for you to be father figures and my uncle because we are the same age-ish. And fuck, I please don't understand the Ancestry.com bullshit necessary to explain that one branched. How to fucking explain that one branched Charlielie brown ass family tree that was a hard one to get through but i got it sounds like me reading i'm also not into daddy talk so fuck you twice please get to the point all the please all the please will make sense but please on to the redeeming end of things i don't want to be a downer but i've also at times struggled with possibilities of self-harm i I was the male in an abusive relationship

marriage for 13 years. I'm talking please explain your black eye via stupid stories about an accidental elbow picking up the keys type of abuse. That's fun. I officially ended the marriage when my now ex-wife attempted to hit me with an aluminum bat in front of my at the time

six-year-old daughter. Thank God you got out. That's such a weird thing for for men too because it's like trying meeting that yeah like trying to tell some of my wife beats me yeah you're scared you're terrified to go home yeah um i know it happens all the time i had primary custody custody after that please and thank you and then went through financial problems that ended up in me relinquishing a 50-50 custody due to said self-harm concerns. The four things that kept me going were, number one, knowing my daughter was far better off with me in her life. Two, thinking about my parents having to bury their child. Three, music.

And four, comedy. It's good that you thought of those things. Absolutely. You have to have that list there. I'm telling you. I thought of the openness of how you have spoken about the darkness you can be in and the places our shitty meat brains can take us in those rough times. It really helped me get out of that place. Life is still on the edge as I piece my world back together nearly a year and a half later. Still fighting custody, still fighting my ex in court, but still using comedy as one of the things to make me smile when I want to cry.

And for no reason PLEASE! Also still holding my sweet baby girl as the highest reason to stick around on the space dirtball or the pale blue dot, as Carl Sagan would have said. Billions and billions. Billions. Nice Sagan reference. Your choice as to which description is more classy, but the fact remains that I would

never hurt her like that. You've helped me laugh when I needed to, and I thank you. You've helped me laugh when I needed to, and I thank you. Your openness has helped me when I needed it, and I thank you. So, you are thusly pronounced twice unfucked and are back in my good graces. Please! Jesus Christ. Keep up what you do. I look forward to hearing each week's episode.

I do not apologize for the length of the email. So, fuck off again, and I send my own sexy honks to my weird-ass family. Lovingly, Jim Barr. Says, P.S. If you do read this out loud, I'm sure you can pronounce all the words. Boy in. You didn't.

P.P.S. If my tally is correct, I said fuck you three times and I took two of them back. So I guess love you, please. But fuck you. And I love you too. You sure you don't have Tourette's too? That's got to mean something. P.P.S.PSS I think that's how

that actually works I used autocorrect to type the subject line hope you read it anyway still love you listen every week and thank you again please

so all the pleases are when we were doing that one oh yeah remember the petty beef about the husband and wife and the wife still makes

the husband say please for everything that's okay what do you say? That makes sense. Yeah. Well, we're glad you're here, Jim. Yep.

Life can be a fucking bitch. So is your daughter. Yes. Life can be a bitch. Anytime you get in that situation, just always remember that. Picture that face asking, where's daddy? Yeah. That's the, can you imagine?

Being like, why didn't, am I not good enough? It's just too much. Too much. Yeah. You can't put that on them thinking that they did something wrong well that's episode 73 hope everybody had fun i know we did yeah it was a hoot it was a hoot and holler did it uh become part of the gaggles you can hear all of the bonus content head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast along with the bonus content you get merch deals exclusive

merch there's three different tiers to choose from get your name on the goddamn website if you go for that super duper silly goose and you get all the episodes early and plus it's ad free i mean we're coming up on 50 hours i think of bonus content that you will never hear unless you sign up on patreon so just do it do us a favor you can do it for a year right and you get a little discount yeah you get to save just came through yeah you get a little discount. Yeah. One of those just came through. Yeah. You get to save money if you sign up for a year in advance. It cuts you a little deal on that.

Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. We got our YouTube channel. Make sure you check out everything Uncle Zach does. He just caresses those fucking ears so hard. I wish I had his voice. All of it? No. In my mouth.

Oh, yeah. It's a weird way of hitting on somebody. When you hear him talk, it's just like, it's soothing. It's comforting. Mine's like, how's it going? You guys have something super important to talk about. You just pooped my pants again. Take me seriously.

Let me do it for you. So Uncle Zach, everything, scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. Here's the scat, man. Send in those confessions or anything else you want to see on the show to heyguys, a canyoudontpodcast.com. And a big thanks to the babysitters that run the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. We appreciate you.

You make our lives infinitely easier. So thank you so, so much. All right, let's wrap things up. You ready? Yeah, put a bow on it. Okay, put a bow on it. Put a bow on it, Zach! Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? All right, so I was looking around the internet for a dad joke. And I just out of nowhere decided to see what AI would come up with. So I went to Google google bard which is one of the ai programs and it gave me this amazing gem what's the difference between a dirty baby and a pizza i don't know a pizza can be fed to your family so whenever we're worried about ai taking over the world just remember it still can't write a dad joke. It can't. Dirty baby and a pizza?

Pizza can be fed to your family? We're laughing, aren't we? What the fuck are you doing, Google? Anyway, here's a real one. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine. Well,

that was an AI. That was a human. Say, see you later, diarrhea. Gon, yeah. Yeah, that was an AI. That was a human. Say see you later, diarrhea. See you gonorrhea. All right, we love you guys. If you subscribe on Patreon, the show keeps going. If not, we'll see you guys next week.

Bye. Bye.