Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Wasabi Powder. Twins. Vintage Vase. Origami.

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

Remember that time you searched for 'dick sex' on PornHub? OF COURSE YOU DON'T! Let's talk about that, using an AI chatbot to catfish an old man out of a lot of money, screwing your ex in the bathroom at a party you invited your current boyfriend to, smashing yourself while moving your husband's motorcycle trying to be nice, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/KUYD4Kuf5CYSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wasabi powder, twins, vintage face, origami. Steve Largent! Oh my god, we've been waiting so long! That's what I was thinking. Steve Largent. Oh my God, we've been waiting so long. That's what I was thinking. Jerry Wright, what episode was that? I think it must have been back in the 50s. We started running out of football jersey numbers. And you're like, I don't know.

I guess I have to wait until episode 80 for Steve Largent. We've arrived. Here he is. Touchdown. We've touched down, if I may. Yeah, of course you may. Episode 80! And we figured what better way to celebrate

than to do confessions. Hell yeah, brother. That's what we're doing this week. A lot of other stuff too, of course. Can I just say something really quick? No. Just real quick? It better be quick. It's weird. I was driving here today and I was like, God, it's episode 80 today. And it just made me.

And then I got here, and I was already thinking about this. And I got here, and you had all this stuff from the. From listeners. From listeners. And I was like, I fucking love our listeners. Absolutely. I mean, the fact that they show up, we somehow got to 80. After all the shit that this show has actually been through

it's crazy in that these people are still here still sending stuff in buying merch Patreon all that stuff it's pretty great I mean Jeff I had a glass cheers to cheers to 80 more cheers Zach through the wall clink cheers well we can cheer to our Funko Pops. Yeah. We're toys now. And Zach, these were sent to your house. And these, the Funko Pop, they're from Deja? They're from the Scat Cats. Scat Cats, Can You Dunk community? Deja put it all together. Okay.

Yeah. It's our two groups together. Got custom action figures, do you call it? I mean, can you call those action figures? They're Funko Pops. For people that don't know what a Funko Pop is. Everyone knows what a Funko Pop is. I didn't know.

What? I didn't know. I didn't know what it was. It's like a cartoonish looking action figure. It's kind of like a new age bobble head, but it doesn't bobble. It just kind of has a big head. It just heads. Yeah.

Mine is Joe Horsecock Dad. I've got a microphone and I've got one of those toy horses that you can ride. Like a little stick pony. Yeah, for your horse cock. cock and then yours has a lot of money in it yeah and what else and it looks like a like a me a ps playstation controller playstation controller xbox controller yeah and then zacky you got one i sure did you said he had a nice beard and monique got one yeah we have mine has a little German Shepherd. And then these flags were sent in. Hold on one second.

I'm assuming the money is because I drive a Tesla and that I'm rich is why there's money in there. That might be why. These were sent in by Gabe, Mel, and Radon. You have a poster. What's it say on there? It said, if the moisture's right We'll go all night And it's just a combine Tractor stuff Just driving tractor doing tractor stuff

And then I got a giant flag That has a goose holding a knife And it says peace was never an option Never was? Yeah never was Clearly Clearly I mean have you ever seen a goose?

Alright no but thank you guys so much and we got more christmas cards that were sent in over the last week you guys are absolutely amazing you please keep sending that stuff in we love it so much and we continue to uh decorate zach's little zach cave back there yeah and you'll find the po box in the episode description of every single episode so it's pretty actually i wonder if this would if mine could go up right here or something yeah just slap it up the tractor right yeah we fucking got root got places for all these things we'll make it we'll make it happen i was telling uh joe that um zach's den is gonna look like i don't know if everyone knows what spencer's gifts is but it's

just tons of weird crazy shit we were in one space i we were celebrating an early christmas with cassie and and her daughter and then my kids because of some travel plans that are coming up so we did an early christmas we were doing like some you know christmas shopping ahead of time you know and the girls all went into victoria's secret and so as and i were like we're not gonna go watch your sister buy boob stuff. So we were walking. I mean, they're not blood. No, others.

Pepper and Ezra. Oh! Yeah. And I mean, come on. Have you seen? I mean, stepsister top search, baby. Yeah. We'll talk about that later on.

We sure will. And we were walking around and there's a Spencer's gift. And Ezra grabs me and goes, Dad, do not ever go to the back of Spencer's gifts. And I was like, why? And I was like, let's go. He goes, no. I was like, let's go. So we walk in Spencer's gift, go to the back.

And like, you don't really see it. And then we turn one little corner and it's just giant dicks and pocket pussies. Really? Yeah. In the mall? In the mall. And Ezra goes, told you. He goes, told you don't ever go back here. And I'm like, why?

Because of this? And I point to this huge dick. Here's a cast of your daddy's dick. Like two foot long, massive alien dick. I was like, why? Because of this? And the cashier looks over and goes. He had to be so embarrassed.

Dad. And he walks out. He goes, they have the jj's back there he said that yeah it's so funny because like you're he's when you do something he goes stop he always says stop so say these let's go and i was like why come on dad so then that was our i had no idea that was in the back i think when we were younger they used to at least have to have a curtain they don't have to have no curtain really yeah that was in the back there. I think when we were younger, they used to at least have to have a curtain. They didn't have to have a, no curtain. Really?

Yeah, just walk in. Was this the mall? It's a different time. I might stop by the mall on the way home. Check out some big dicks. Yeah. Yeah, why not? Just the Joe Paisley.

Ask for the Joe Paisley. Has the same title that I had on my Funko Pop. Yeah. He says Joe H-C Dad. It says try me. You push a button. It's like. Feed me a carrot.

Just say. Or like. I was going to say nay joke. Well. Just say. Just say nay. Nay. Yeah.

Okay. Let's just get episode 80 rolling. Okay. Okay. Let's fucking do it. Zach. Hey. Shut up.

Start the show already. So not a would you rather this week, but something that we've done before. Just in the sense of you get a million dollars type thing. Okay. So you get a million bucks. Which isn't much anymore. Okay. Two million dollars cash right now.

But you can't take your shoes off ever again. You get to pick which shoes you start with, and you have to switch them every year, and you can never use the same pair of shoes twice. So never taking them off. I'm wearing some nice new, I think Cass got me some Ugg slippers. Wearing those right now. Those look cozy.

They're so snug. They make me so warm. I think I have to slide them off, but they are nice. They're Uggs though?'re snug snugs does this mean you can only have like one nike basketball shoe forever for that one year kind of thing or can you go each brand you get a pair of like i think it's let's go by category so you get some nike high tops but then you can move on and get some adidas high tops okay why would you go from Nike back to Adidas? That's going backwards.

Well, maybe you want to, I don't know, you anticipate. It's going to be a good year, so your feet might as well be rough. But you're having a rough year, you're going to want some Uggs boots. You know what I mean? Gotcha. By the end, you'll be wearing wood clogs or something. Yeah. That's, oh, man.

Like, you played it up up front you wanted nothing but the nicest nicest of shoes so you're laying on your deathbed your grandkids are coming up to say goodbye to to poppy poppy bry guy poppy bry bry poppy brian and you're laying down and the clown shoes on the bottom of your bed goes way up Were you thinking clown shoes? We were thinking the same thing Your sheets are just elevated two feet At the bottom Pun intended

Imagine the toe tag It'd be like a necklace Hanging off your clown shoe The toe tag just has a little It's a little horn It says BLYING I love the people, the family standing around Clown shoe. The toe tag, it says like a little, it's a little horn, it says, I love the people, the family standing around, you know, crying, and the kids over there are like,

At your funeral, it's an open casket, the top part is open, and there's little slots cut for your clown shoes at the bottom of the punk room. Or the top, but your face is shut, and the other end's open, because you're sure your shoes can end's open It won't close It's like a trunk

You have to tie it down When your trunk's too full Little bungee cords around the bottom You have to squeeze it I love you Poppy Bye Bye Squeeze your shoe one last time So that's funny That is funny

How many different types of shoes? Are you going to be wearing high heel shoes to bed? There are so many shoes. Snow shoes. Snow shoes. Yeah. You got Sorrells on in bed. Dude, I could name 10 pairs of shoes that are like, they have shoes now that are like

basically nothing. Yeah. I got Crocs. Yeah. Yeah. So. Gotta wear those goofy like shoes that hug every single individual toe yeah the toe shoes toe shoes remember moon boots do i

one of my best gifts remember jumping around the street just plastic asphalt noise. Jumping down Elm Street growing up. What a nightmare. That Paisley boy. Getting noise complaints called because I'm jumping down Elm Street. What a nightmare that would be. You get it? I got it. It was not lost on me.

Waka waka. You get it? I get it. Nightmare on Elm Street. So you got some fluffy slippers on for a year. That's great. Have fun showering. I mean, it would get pretty fucking old.

No, it'd be awful. Your feet would get sick. Think about it. Yeah. The disease you would get if you could never take them off again. But if you just, if you, so they have, how many different kinds of Crocs do they have? Like you just rock Crocs. Cause you could shower. We can change the color.

Yeah. But you get one year. I think you get like a Croc. Like you get a, like Croc. They don't make, I mean, do you put on the high top Crocs? No, but the next year there, there's gotta be like a gator, like a rip off or something. Another brand. Sure.

So you get two good years. Don't forget Aqua socks. Come on. Sandal, like a pair of Birkenstocks. Yeah. You better get two good years. Don't forget aqua socks. Dude, sandals. Better hope you stay married. Birkenstocks. Yeah, you better hope you stay married. This would be a breeze.

You got flip-flops. You got all sorts of stuff. But flip-flops are, I mean. They're shoes. Yeah, I know. But they're flip-flops. Do you get to wear like Reef flip-flops and then wear Nike flip-flops? Or do you just get like, that's the style. Okay, let's say I get a flip-flop for a year.

Okay. Get a croc for a year. Okay, so now you're 42. Get a Birkenstock, you know, with the straps for a year. Those, the ones that hikers wear. Yeah. I forget what they're called, Tevas or the... Like the mesh netting that breeds a little bit?

Yeah. Or 44. Yeah. And then the other one, though, that's got the mesh netting that breeds a little bit. Yeah. Or 44. Yeah. And then the other one, though, it's got the Velcro strap in the back and on the top. Oh, like the Jesus sandal. Birkenstock? Does it already say that? No, not that one.

It's like a hiking, whatever. It's like a hiking sandal, whatever. Okay. So, I mean, that's what? Five right there? Yeah. 45. 45.

I don't plan on living past 50, so. So you see a solid 10? I could come up with five more that would be reasonable. But a million dollars isn't a lot of money. Yeah. The awkwardness of just having to wear shoes to bed. You know, like your wife going over, rubbing your feet. They're just crocs.

Rubber sole. You know, like your wife going over, rubbing your feet. They're just crocs. Rubber sole. There's just steel-toed boots. Yeah. That's nice. So sweaty and awful. Dude, the thing that grosses me out the most about it is, like, let's say we go into an airport or, like, a stadium. Yeah. an airport or like a pro like a stadium yeah and you're just the sticky piss and then have to wear that into your bed and stuff like that's the stuff that would get me all the time i mean we grow i

mean we live in the northwest no you can't come in and take your stuff off can't go play in the snow so pick can you imagine you picked your crocs so now you have to wear your crocs out in the snow well then i have an excuse not to play with my kids And not to shovel Like how do you know how it is It's like I got the money I went out and I earned this million dollars You'd snowblow the fucking driveway

I don't see you bringing a million dollars home I guess you could just pay someone else to do it If you had a bunch of money And play with your kids You could pay for someone else to live your if you had a bunch of money yeah there's always that and play with your kids play yeah you know you can pay for someone else to live your life yeah no i get it um but coming down the stretch when you get older just sounds so bad and like i was saying earlier you better hope that you stay in a relationship because if you're single good luck good luck going out on a date you got your got your suit on and at the bottom you just have fucking flip-flops on.

Yeah, but if I'm in my 70s, I'm ready to just, you know. I'm just picturing some old grandpa in the shallow end of a pool playing with his grandkids. He's wearing Sorrells. Come on. Come on, Jack. You can do it. And everyone's just looking over at you, and he's stomping around in wet snow boots imagine yeah or like you get out of the you get out of the pool and you're just sloshing everywhere water squirting up your leg yeah because the let's say it's let's

say it's like hunter rubber hunter boots rain boots like waiter or whatever they're called waiters so you're walking and it's just going over the top. Where's grandpa? I don't know. Everyone just listens. Just listen for him. Oh, here comes grandpa. Here comes grandpa.

I don't think I would take the money. Just sounds. I think I would need more money than that. Yeah. And then Zach brought up the fungus you would get From wet a year And you can't take it off So you're trying to like You know how WD-40 has the little straw on it

Some of them have the flex straw So you'd be hooking that up to Tough acting snacking And shoving it down your boot And just Or with your Crocs Through the holes Well they have those

they have the air honey did you take your vitamins yes can't air in a can whatever just dust your toes off yeah yeah i don't know i mean i think for the first i think if i got through the first five years of well here's what you do you do the first let's say i'm going for 10 years okay do i do i have let's say five good years five bad years do you go with the five bad years first and then the five the back half if you make it without losing your feet to whatever can you get gangrene from rotten feet probably what was the thing they used to get back in the day from trench foot my Yeah, trench foot. Dude, my dad was parasailing in Moses Lake.

And that lake is not clean. The rope broke. It was like 95. He came down and hit it. He fell and busted his foot open and got gangrene in his foot. Okay, so it's a thing. And he went to Harborview in Seattle, and he had to go in at one of those tanks. The gangrene in his foot. Okay, so it's a thing. And he went to Harborview in Seattle and he had to go in at one of those tanks.

Gangrene tank? Another scientific term? Zach, what's it called? A bacta tank from Star Wars? Come on. No, yeah. What is that? Hyper barrack chamber? Yeah, he had to go do that.

He almost, he almost lost his leg. Fuck. See, so that's what, that would be a huge concern. You, cause you can't take them off.

Just don't go parasailing. Parasailing in Sorrel's. Higher. This guy's fucking crazy. Dude, I, we just kicking around your wet Sorrel's. That'd be uncomfortable.

Christmas photo. Because the weight of your legs pulling down, they would fall asleep. It would be, you know, the strongest thighs every step. That's true. You're walking around with weights on your ankles. Too much. Too much. Not doing it for money.

I want to keep living my life. If you give me 10 million, I'd probably consider it. You'd lose a foot for $10 million? Well, you might lose a foot. You might. There's no way you can't. Those babies need to air out. You got to wash them.

That's what I'm saying. You don't do boots. Ever? There are enough shoes out there that you can get by. Even just like a nice running shoe, your toes are going to get infected they can't air out ever just cut holes in your shoes like you'll get creative modify them yeah you can never clip your toenails either that's gonna hurt like you could let's just say okay i've got these to modify these nike shoes i'm taking a pair of fucking i'm taking a sharp knife and lopping the front off

i don't think that's fair you just turn every shoe into a sandal yeah i don't see i don't see that in the rules not in there is that the small print let me look no i'm not doing it yeah i'm not doing it either okay well fuck that all right let's talk about some sex yes i think it's sex let's talk about sex baby let's talk about you and porn hubs review zach hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about so a little backstory i was looking baby got backstory was looking at doing this maybe last week or just kind of preparing to try and do this because i know and i wait for it every you know december starts moving on and i'm like oh boy you hear that it's the sound of fingerless leather gloves rubbing together that's that

sound of friction right there that is excitement that's leather on leather and i looked up porn hubs 2023 year in review yeah you did and last week it was password protected and i was like what what the fuck's this so apparently if you're a premium member to porn hub you get a password to check out the review before everybody else so are you a premium member i am not so i did not have a password i was gonna say can you send me the password and i thought about signing it do it about no it's a business expense put it on the business card baby yeah that's not not a bad idea these are things that we should get benefits from and so research luckily waited a week and now it's not password protect anymore so we do have our porn hubs you cheap ass so now we have porn hard porn hubs 2023 year in review stats

ready to roll yeah you guys ready to see what uh what we were looking at yeah totally hey brian will you plug in your computer bro oh yeah yeah thanks patty so the trends that defined 2023 here's here's the number one trend i love the idea of trends and we have uh number one it's the golden age so the term mature searches grew by 77 i mean it makes sense as people get older and then and they were they were raised on porn you're gonna get more why would you look at older ladies though wouldn't you aren't you still interested in young ladies dude not, not really. I guess I'm like, what am I going to talk to them about? Well, you're not fucking. After we get done fucking, what are we going to even talk about?

What are we going to talk about? Is she going to stand up and do a TikTok dance? Give me a towel. If you're looking to have a conversation after you ejaculate. I want some orange slices and some leftover fucking turkey on the way out the door. That's what I want. She's got this in a Tupperware. And she's just like, check out this new TikTok dance I have.

And I'm like, no, no, no. Capri Sun, please. So mature searches went up 77%, became the second most popular category among men. Mature Cougar? Mature Cougar. A girl that knows what she wants. That's what I see. When I read Mature Cougar, it's like, no wants that's what i that's what i see when i read mature

cougar it's like no you know you've you've been through it you know what you want you're not you're not here to fucking waste my time milf became the second most searched term worldwide while dilf terms including muscle dilf just the strongest pickle is what i see. I know it says DILF and not DIL, but Muscle DILF reminds me of a fucking pickle brand. Of 71%. So it's not just men. Women also looking for that older thing. An older man that clearly takes care of himself. It could be men looking for that too.

Granny searches gained 132% and gilf went up 168 percent grandma i'd like to fuck sexy granny sexy granny and hot gilf here's a question yeah this is for the gay community okay so like you know how there's a whole thing like uh women like a lot of women'll be, like, they like the idea of, like, a dad because it's, like, a mature guy who's got his shit together. Mm-hmm. Do gay men also think about that? I'm sure. Someone that you don't have to, like, go through certain struggles with anymore because they're over it.

You get to just kind of hit the fast-forward button and on but even if it's like a young a young a young dad what you mean like like a 20 year old looking for a 55 year old yeah i'm fuck i'm sure i'm sure because i'm sure there are 55s are looking for a 20 year old but does it go both ways and do they go both ways? I can show you, dude. Oh, yeah! Number two trend was supersized. The terms big, bigger, and biggest. Grew by 177%. And searches for huge... For huge tits, huge cock, and huge dildo.

By 67%. We're just looking to stretch out holes. Like, we're getting the most out of these little orbs. I love it. He's like, okay, I want to masturbate. Even huge tits. Massive. 91%.

It's up 91%. While big boobs expanded by 78 big booty 83 big tits of course uh bbw big ass big dick and then number three trend is sex machines i get it you guys ever watch uh porn women getting fucked by sex machines like the little piston that's just fucking them you like that I've come across it before you like that you like when I do that

not a bomb shut up tell me you're a bomb they haven't gotten the sexy talk yet back yet tell me you're a bomb I can't do that

I am not a bomb not a bomb and then the sex machine across the the across the way is like also not a bomb we're not bombs we're not bombs we're not

bombs we're not bombs we're not bombs and super the other room you hear through the wall it's like I'm not a bomb yeah it's like yeah like a brothel not a bomb everyone's good they have little hands

not a bomb they got these robots from it was like an auction from wherever. And so they haven't reprogrammed the thing. It's just not a bomb. Not a bomb. You got them in a flat. You got six. Get the seventh free. Tell me you're a bomb.

I can't. I'm not a bomb. Also not a bomb. We're not bombs. Okay, I get it. Not a bomb.'re a bum. I can't. I'm not a bum. Also not a bum. We're not bums. Okay, I get it. Not a bum. Not a bum. So, yeah, Android, which I think is a weird term.

If you're looking for sex machines and you go with Android. Maybe they're looking for that new phone. Up 1,689%. That's so much. Android cosplay? And Android roleplay? Okay. So you just, someone dresses up like a robot, and then robot, sex robot, 3D robot, those

are all up. Machine, sex machine, NPC, non-playable character searches grew by 1,541. Who wants to fuck an NPC? Sorry, sir. I can't help you on your travels. Such a turn on. Oh my God. You're so useless i'm gonna come can you help me on my mission no yes god yeah i like it when no one helps me find the gold just jerking off so hard watching a robot character run into the wall like yeah just sprinting into the wall and then like and then walking a little bit

and then and then stopping and like spinning in place you're like yeah yeah that's what i like one of my favorite videos ever is from, I think it's the second Red Dead Redemption when this guy's riding by on his horse and there's a woman that stops. She's like, help me, sir. I'm being robbed or whatever, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, let me.

And then this deer just comes out of nowhere and fucking clobbers this woman so he didn't have to do his side mission. I was picturing that though. Yeah, exactly. Like you're just like, oh. And then it fucking clobbers this woman so he didn't have to do his side mission uh-huh i was picturing that though yeah exactly like you're just like oh and then it did fucking take and you're like oh my god i'm gonna come now i'm gonna come now if i fucking yeah i thought i hated deer before god i fucking hate nature uh number four trending trend we're're not going to get into it. Uniforms. Duh. Number five is sexual healing. Worldwide therapy searches were up 344, which without reading the rest of just what they're

talking about, it's like foot therapy, massage therapy, therapy, sex, like that kind of stuff. But I thought about just like, you're so lonely. That's what I was thinking. And you head over there and you just have some chick getting dp'd and she goes so tell me about your mom are you are you even listening yes i'm listening yeah yes i'm listening that sounds awful i'd be listening a lot more if your cock was hard you're like i don't what a weird place to go for for therapy well you know how they would do it, too. You ever seen the videos where the mom's

vacuuming around the corner, and the guy's just plowing this chick, and he's having a conversation with his mom, but we're right on the other side of the couch. I'll just be a second, honey. This is all happening while the mom's not knowing. I'm just picturing the guy laying on the couch.

He's telling his life story and she's like, uh, but it's happening behind him. He's like, yeah, it was pretty awful. It was, it was terrible. Oh, fuck. Yeah. That's what I said. The guy's like, I don't know.

I'm just worried. I don't think anyone's going to come to my piano recital. I'm going to come. Really? No, I'm about to come. It's not for, it's not till next week don't worry i'll come again he's like that's cool wow wow that's awesome dragon or whatever the cool poor name that i didn't have to pull from at the moment dragon i don't know i wish i had a cooler cooler name

that's amazing emily willis You're such a great thing. Keep your head forward! I'm sorry. He's like trying to turn around. Don't look at me. What are you doing back there? Shut up and look at Fart! Most search terms of 2023,

then we're going to go off to the United States, state by state, because I always find that so funny. Most search terms, top three, hentai, milf, lesbian. So lesbian is number one because women's number one search is also lesbian so just so you know uh milf dub we just cover that hentai that reminds me have you ever

looked up hentai porn it's like animation porn i've never looked it out but i and some of them are crazy like imagine the best graphics from a pixar and then just put them to like an animation point i've seen um we'll get away with anything like meg griffin just getting mouthful yeah um and like so that thing but i'll like use just like like hentai things and it reminded me of this time and i i have been trying to find a way to bring this up uh because i was exploring i don't know it must have been on page 326 on a picky jerk-off night. Who knows? Oh my god, it's just not working. Not it.

Not it. Dick sucks. Not veiny enough. The worst is when you get into it. Not trying. The thumbnail was like, oh, this is going to be good. You get into it, you're like, do I have to go back? Oh my god. You push back and it's like there's no back because it opened a pop-up. You're like, god. God, this sucks. Oh my god, you push back and it's like there's no back because it opened a pop-up

Sucks to start all the way in page so it was it was one of these hentai animation fucking videos I found myself in the comment section and it was so fucking funny because there was like hentai nerds fighting in the comment section over the like how accurate the porn video was like some guys like great quality but sakura doesn't have tits that big oh god the guy's like you should didn't season 13 episode 9 angel blood 13 that was such a good season and then he responds because it was a good season but her tits didn't get big by 13 right and you're like what are you guys doing it's like dude there's no way that she would get a tit job that's totally against her her moral beliefs right if you go back to episode one of fucking werewolf werewolf full moon massacre she said i would never get a tit job. So you tell me. And just when it's not real, it doesn't follow the storyline.

I'm never going to come. But they were so dorky. I was like, what are you guys doing down here? Go outside. Go outside. Just go do something, you guys. I love your passion. I mean, I'm here too.

I love it. They're not even jerking off to it. They're just like, I finished all the seasons. I just want. They couldn't. they just want more yeah yeah aside from not being able to it's like they're just looking for anything from the show you know what i mean and just the like the fact of having like a heated debate in a porn hubs comment section is so funny oh yeah but like i don't know i guess didn't do it for me what do you mean i didn't for you? Like, this is one of the best porn scenes I've ever seen. No, it's not. Have you ever seen

blah blah blah? Yeah, I've watched it tons of times. Pretty good. I will say pretty good. Just pretty good? Exactly. And you're like, what are you dudes doing down here? Scroll up. This is fucking masterpiece, alright? A master class

in hentai whatever the fuck. I wish I knew more. I could help out more. But they were just talking in a foreign language and I was laughing so hard. I was like, what are you doing down here? That's pretty funny. Fucking crazy. Okay, let's jump off to the states and then we'll get into our confessions

for this week, but this part always fucking kills me. United States top relative searches okay so term search more often in each state when compared to all other states wow idaho's number one is dildo right dildo ride it sounds like something you get at a carnival like not don't like not just dildo we i want you to ride yeah i want you to ride like a horsey yeehaw i'm assuming it's probably like a solo thing maybe where a girl's just like solo yeah she's on top of it dildo ride yeah i don't want you on your back yeah i want you on fucking riding

that thing like i ride my horsey dude look at utah oh i know mormon dude look at north dakota what we got there? Loud red sex. Wyoming is goth. You guys want to know my... Hold on, I got to find it again. It fucking killed me. Go Illinois with ass eating. Atta boy.

Okay. Small dick. Guys, Oklahoma. Or... Sex dick. Number one. Number one search was sex dick. Arkansas is going ATM. That's search was sex dick. Arkansas is going ATM.

That's good. Sex dick. What? You can leave dick off. Just sex or dick. But sex dick. Bubble butt. Oh my God.

High heels. Mississippi is furry. Arizona car sex sounds so hot. Like, why is that the top search? Oh, that sounds really hot. Washington is casual or sensual sex. I mean, grow up. That's probably me that's looking for that.

I think it's a good time to promote rough sex is my love language, which is available now. Straighten up Washington, that's right. Big boobies for Pennsylvania. They're just straight up. Just big boobies. Big boobies. Illinois is ass eating. Maine is thrple why is kentucky doing bouncing boobs district columbia's big ass cop iowa's cartoon porn alabama gave up just fingering myself

what the top search is fingering myself. In Alabama? Of all things? What? New York body swap? Wait, what's Tennessee? Giantess-y? Giantess? Giantess?

Yeah, so giant woman. An Amazon woman. Yeah, like a giant woman taking control. I thought it was like a Tennessee playoff, like a giantess-y. Giantess-y. West Virginia's nip slip. Ooh, that's a good one. They just want toia's nip slip that's a good one that's all oh god you go to a porn site oh man if i could just see a nip i'd be so happy i'm seeing one nipple virginia's smoking yeah i know that's a good one uh and then i i went when i went through

the first time i was not able to find this but i remember us laughing so hard about this last year because we went we found found a goddamn one second. I'm gonna try and find it. And I couldn't find it when I went through the first time. So I'm gonna try and find it live here. It was age groups. And because the old, yeah, the older they got, the, their terms got so wacky. Look at this.

It shows you tablet. Like who's using a tablet to look up porn i mean at 1.5 apparently but that's just so good okay come on hold on i'm gonna i'm gonna see if i can if i can get it live here do to do most search movies and characters this is awesome i know it just goes on it should have been its own episode the fortnight was for video games overwatch minecraft pokemon in case you cared about that. Do-do-do, going through. Let me see if I can.

Oh, there's this funny one, too, where during holiday stretches, what people were searching for. Wall purchase? And how far it fell off. So on Thanksgiving Day, it went down just 33%. Everyone was just too whacked up. they were balls deep in fucking turkey in football yeah uh yeah i can't i'm not seeing it i'm not seeing it again i hope they didn't pull it because man was it funny to look at the the yeah now it's just going to different different places i don't know i'll look again maybe i can find it uh wait there's a term

what's that oh okay canada i'm just uh anal that's showing us different different parts of the world but not doing the age demographic like it did last year huh i don't know but i i remember because it was like showing 65 plus and it was like um it was it was something like super basic it was like, it was something like super basic. It was like number two. It was like you wrecked penis. And you're like, what? Missionary. How to stay hard.

And you're like, just go to Google. That's not a thing you go to. Yeah, it's not a thing you go to fucking Pornhub for. All right, let's move off to confessions. We've got tons of good ones. Okay. Okay, let's do it. Confessions. Oh, off to confessions. We've got tons of good ones. Okay. Okay, let's do it. Suck your hair! Confessions. Oh, sorry.

Confessions. All right, Bri. What do you want to do? I'll take the first one because I remember this one being drug-related. Okay. Next one, you know, someone with confidence going in, okay? So I was the owner of all the restaurants in my local area. I am a classically

trained chef, and the opportunity just fell on my lap. Oh, easy. Strip club. Pun not intended. Anywho, I rented the kitchen space from the club in one of the multiple clubs in my local area, and one night, the manager of the club came walking into the VIP room, cussing like a madman. I asked

what was going on. He told me that the VIP members keptussing like a madman. I asked what was going on. He told me that the VIP members kept leaving blow on the bathroom counter and he didn't know how to stop it. So I told him I had an idea. I went in and sprayed Pam kitchen spray on the counter. So the next time they dumped it on the counter, it stuck and turned to paste. That sounds like a fucking practical. Ashton Kutcher comes out it's like punk bitch there was a whole bunch of expletives coming from the vip club that night they quit doing it for a few months

fast forward the manager was pissed again and came in ranting and raving about people leaving blow on the vip bathroom counter again told him i had another idea i told him i'd take care of it went into the bathroom have you ever heard of wasabi powder? Well, I sprinkled just a touch on top of the pile on the counter. This time I heard multiple blood-curdling screams and people storming out of the building. Don't get me wrong. I like to get down on my free time. I know, you're a chef.

We get it. You work in the restaurant industry? Yeah, you do blow. We know. But don't leave it in the restaurant industry yeah you do blow we know but don't leave it in the business just sitting on the counter it was never an issue ever again i'm confused why someone would let just leave their cocaine i i don't know pour it out to come back or don't clean up after themselves like isn't that expensive to just leave it on the counter i don't know depends depends on how much money you have, I guess.

If you want to waste the... Because some people, they don't give a fuck. Why... Okay, I just need to ask this. Like, why... Why do people go to strip clubs? No, why does it matter? Like, you run a strip club. Get in trouble.

If a cop comes in and there's cocaine all over the counter, get your whole business shut down. Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, a lot of people that's probably if you're running those people out of your business i don't know that must have been doing okay enough for it to be a you know for for to be ranting raving running around like fucking can't stop it must it's a fucking pandemic the But like, yeah, there's just

they must have just been doing a line and I think it's leaving the residue all over the counter. They should have done an announcement. Clean up after yourselves. Come up to the stage next is Diamond right after all of you! Get your fucking cocaine off the counter! He's like, come up on the stage.

All right, thank you, Sky. Coming up on the stage now is Rick. He's got a couple announcements for you. Hey, everybody. I'm Rick. Hey, I'm Rick. Hey, Rick. It's a dollar bill flies in.

Hey, Rick. Hey, got a couple announcements. You see the flutter of one dollar bill coming off the balcony? Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all night. Get your fucking cocaine off the counter. Yeah, just make sure you clean up after yourselves.

Coming up next is fucking no one. Do you get your cocaine off the fucking countertops? Okay, here's Diamond. The voice changes like, hey, I'm Rick. I just want to let you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And now, gentlemen, get your dollars ready and bring out your umbrellas, or put away your umbrellas, because it's time for sunshine. Snickleback. Rockstar.

Y'all standing in line, but I'll never get in. It's like the bottom of the night. The DJ's taking all the lyrics. You keep leaving your drugs on the bathroom counter floor. You keep doing that. None of this is going to matter. You got to clean it up. You got to clean it up.

I'm through. I'm through with going in the bathroom and seeing your coke all over that desk. Why don't you smoke like everybody else outside? Quit doing blow. Tell him what he's supposed to do. Just hang out to the back of the alley side. Do you blow out the

ground? Quit leaving it inside. You're gonna get us in a whole lot of fucking trouble. Tell him what to do. We all love seeing titties bounce up, but you ain't gonna ever have that. Cause you're all gonna. Cause we're all gonna have to get shut down and go down the street. Imagine sitting in that club and being like.

And the dancer's like Just shimmying her tits in your face Hey, hey Do you cook it outside? Just like Where am I? Hey, hey Do you cook it outside?

Yeah Alright, next confession, Brian It's like a fucking karaoke. Karaoke strip club? Oh, no. Oh, my God. A karaoke strip club? So good.

And coming up next, we've got Deanna. Picture? Okay, picture this. Singing, it's a small world. I was born in a small town. Now it's Rick. Dude, imagine. Okay, so karaoke strip club.

Doing coke in a small town. The husband's up there doing karaoke and his wife's dancing. It's like an amateur night. So she's on stage dancing while he's singing. And he's singing to her. And she's like looking at him and doing all this stuff. They're like, you're watching like, oh, God.

I just don't feel like I should do this being nine months pregnant. Don't ruin this for me. This is my big break. Okay, honey. All right, next confession. You got it. Go ahead. Okay.

Back in 2019, I was part of a dev team for a now well-known AI app. The beta was geared towards creating training videos for businesses and whatnot. Basically, we used the motion tracking tech on a female model and developed an AI persona that would perform based on a script so we had to use had the usage rights to her image and voice for a whole year. During this time, I had a clever idea of using this to create a fake Tinder account. Oh, this is brilliant.

And to see if it was good enough to catfish someone. Anybody that doesn't know what a catfish is, it's a person that doesn't exist. It's a twat. Mind you, she was an eight out of 10 and this was a hundred percent illegal because I was using a proprietary tech for personal use. So I went in deep and created a fake profile and also a fake Instagram.

I mostly use random images, uh, from other profiles mixed in with sexy AI selfies and bought followers to make it look legit. In 24 hours, I had already had about 25 matches and after a week, I had my target. He was a divorced 50-something with a receding hairline and a goal of all's fuck. The second day we talked, he asked to send him her Venmo account so he could send money for a gift.

Yeah. Like, why are guys so i don't yeah i know they're lonely it's like it's the i'm so lonely paying for a fucking fart in a jar you know like yeah who would do that i would never never. Right? All right. He sent $500 fucking dollars. Right then and there, I just decided to see how much money I could squeeze out of him. I used the AI to send him daily videos just talking about her day and so on. And I'm not going to give you all the deets, but I ended up receiving over $7,500 in less than two months. Wow. I finally had to close the operation down when he paid for the first class ticket to Cali, from Cali to South Carolina, so I could

so she could finally visit him. Should have showed up holding a laptop. Okay. Or just like a wig. Yeah. Hello. You don't look like your pictures. Well, filters. Anyway, can I have money? I scrubbed everything after sending him a final message saying that I had to cancel the trip because I was getting back with my ex.

That's enough closure, right? As far as I know, no one ever found out because I got to keep my job until the project was done. I swear I'm a good person, but that was too good of an opportunity to make some extra cash to pass up your anonymous catfish daughter, Honk. Honk! You know what's funny about that is like that's a whole industry now oh yeah like there are people doing exactly that you know and make a lot of fucking money yeah there's ai just animated only fans accounts it's fucking wild what's crazy about that is like i i get it it's the idea of you talking to some but like you could make up your own AI person to jerk off to.

Yeah. Yeah. The websites are available. I think we've covered some of them here on Can You Don't over the last 80. But I get it. It's the idea that someone else is talking to you. Yeah. Okay.

Let's move on to our next one here. It says, hey, guys, I've been listening since the beginning. I love everything you do. You brighten my days, to say the least. I have a confession to make. I've been in the darkest phase of my life for a while now. It's getting better, but it's not great. I have many, many regrets from the past year, years, but this is something I just can't get over. My boyfriend and I have recently moved in together after dating for about six months and

talking for a year. We went on a date a while back, maybe even close to a year ago. I was still seeing my ex and hooking up with other guys while I was actively pursuing my current boyfriend. Oh, dating. I had other flings and dates. I was hooking up with anyone who would give me the time of the day. But basically, I was on this date with my current boyfriend. We went to some stupid little punk show with a forgettable lineup. Lineup's weak. I was drawing on someone's's table i'm not sure what that means but here we go then my ex came up and started drawing too just my luck one thing led to another and uh i fucked my ex in the bathroom of the party i took my current boyfriend to i tried to play it off like

we were doing coke which i think made it worse but oh babe babe. She's got a coke problem. No, we were having sex. We weren't doing coke. Okay, never mind. Get out of here. My neck was red from him sucking on it. Who was I fooling? Long story short, I still think about it.

I still feel like garbage, but it also kind of makes me laugh because who the fuck was I, what the fuck was I doing? I don't know. My boyfriend knows it happened, but he obviously wasn't happy about it. Waking up next to him knowing I'm capable of that type of bullshit is an absolute nightmare. But at least I was super fucked up when that happened.

I was 20, single, and I'd just broken up with my, I was just broken up with by a man who fucks like a fairy on acid took Molly. I don't know. What do you guys think? Is that a good thing? Thanks for reading. You're reading your horny stupid child well a man who fucks like a fairy on acid took molly is that a good thing or a bad thing yeah i think it's probably a good feeling i think what she's saying is he fucks and he knows how to because fairy seems like a weird term that seems like you know usually like fairy is not like a in a second in the sex world they're not a well-hung

yeah it's not like this masculine fucking guy that's taking hold it's yeah you like that flutter of wings is it in yet what's her name tinkerbell yeah tinkerbell is it in yet? Yeah. Just flying around, bugging the shit out of you. I don't, that's, I mean, that's, that's tough. Like that's, I think just the, the one thing I will say about that is the line, waking up next to him, knowing I'm capable of that type of bullshit is an absolute nightmare. And until you have completely fucked up and stepped outside of whatever relationship, like that is a scary thing where you're like, I can do that because you spend all your whole life being like,

nope, I could never. And the people that have never like, yeah, of course I will fuck him. I would never, you just never been in the situation. Like everyone has a threshold,

like every single person. And, uh, once you cross it, it is, it fucks with you to be like i will guess that's me now guess i could do that and it's fucking it's not a fun feeling it's terrible so i i can uh i can relate with that so i get it i get it yeah it's weird because it's like there's this line between like

people should be allowed to have fun versus what the constructs that we've set up within our society. Right. Absolutely. So it's definitely an interesting dilemma. Yeah. Okay. You got it? You ready? Hit me.

Hey, daddies. Hi. Long-time listener, first-time writer. Hopefully it's a chick. What? Oh, I don't want to hear. Never mind. I think it's time to confess how bad of a dad I am.

Dad is a dude. I mean, hopefully he's good looking. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. I've never thrown my son into a nightstand before. But I did give my son the worst afternoon of his life. Hey, come on. Get out.

My son is two years old and loves playing outside on the play set at our condo complex. I work a lot and don't always get to take him out and be a good dad. So when I can take advantage of it. So when I can take advantage of it. So when I can take advantage of it. Yeah. Period. Yeah. Yeah.

I was home and told my wife to take the day and get some rest and decided I would take him out in the hot Utah summer and go burn some energy. To my disappointment, he didn't seem to want to do anything out there. Even walking 20 feet to the swings made him pant. The entire time I was trying to force him, did you just have some goddarn fun with dad? And all he would say was, daddy, I so hot. Oh. Yeah, I get it.

I'm not going to go there. In his little two-year-old voice. After about an hour, we decided to head back inside. I did so with my head held high, feeling like I was the best dad in the world, spending some quality time with my son even though he had really shitty attitude about it we got inside my wife asked where we had been the whole time with a very concerned look on her face as i told her the table that god it's okay come on no it's not it's my headphone well i mean they're tweaking in and out you can normally read so i get it as I told her the tale of what we had done and how we'd totally been sticking the mud,

her face relaxed slightly as she tried to hide a smile and proceeded to tell me that he had been running a very high fever since the morning. Suddenly, Daddy, I So Hot took on a whole new different meaning as I realized it wasn't my son being a little bitch. I'd put him through torture just to make myself feel like a winner. God damn it. I put myself through torture just to make myself. I put him through torture just to make myself feel like a winner.

Nice. Please don't kill Child Protective Services. Anyway, that's my story. Thanks for always making me laugh. Don't change a thing except for for maybe getting Brian some reading classes. Perfect. God, I love it. Love it when that works out.

I swear to God, I had so much stuff going on. My phone was beeping and my earphones or my whatever the fuck they're called. My ear things are tweaking out. Like that feeling of being a dad. Like, come on. Don't be feeling of being a dad like come on don't be a pussy dude because kids i mean they're the textbook of cry wolf yeah that's what they do like i don't know my legs are you're like just get the fuck over there that's game green yeah and the point he's like i'm so hot you're like i know it's hot outside get on the swing i'm a good dad i weigh

300 pounds i get that it's hot. Yeah. But look at me. I'm trying. You will swing and I will push you because I am the dad you deserve. Underdog. Yeah. Give him the underdog.

The underdog. He's like, daddy, I'm sick. Shut up. I'm going to throw up. It's not back in my day. It turns out he has the flu. You're pushing him to do it. We're not going to call Child Protective Services.

We've all done it. Yeah. Don't you worry about that. All right, moving on to our next confession. When with an ex while I was younger, I would party a bit here and there with some of the good old-fashioned Peruvian nasal fuel. Cocaine, am I right?

Yeah. We were both partying fairly regularly, and her friends and her identical twin sister were always around too. One one night she wasn't feeling great so she opted out of going out for the night and me being the giant piece of shit definitely did not opt out and i left her ass at home well at the party her sister and i got a bit closer one thing led to another and we fucked for weeks after i would fuck both of them without letting my girlfriend at the time that i was also not letting her know that i was also plowing her

sister the sex with her girlfriend got so like couple boring that when i was trying to be with my girlfriend i almost couldn't get it up because her sister fucked me so much better than her she still doesn't know we broke up nine months after this all started oops thanks fathers for all the content you put out there for us to consume your long lost son d a couple things fuck yeah a couple things how about yeah a couple things like twins the twins every twin that I know, like, they're so close. Mm-hmm. And I couldn't imagine... Yeah.

The deceit from one twin to another. The betrayal to fuck your identical twin's boyfriend. Yeah. And then just not say anything. And so another thing. Have you ever, like, known a pair of twins and you, those pussies apparently weren't identical. So like I had these twins that I knew in high school and I knew one of them pretty well,

decent enough. And the other one didn't really, but, and they were really close. And it was like, I would see the other sister and I was thinking it was the one that I knew, but she never would acknowledge. So it was kind of weird. Like, I know you, but you're not acknowledging me, but I didn't know her because it's the other one. It's just a weird fuck.

Twins are weird. Yeah. I've only, I've known a couple identical twins in my life, two of which, like I went to school with, still friends with them. And when I first met them, I could not tell them apart and then after you know years of friendship they don't even look the same like not even close like when i was not a chance i'd be like which one are you well that's how like when your parents yeah the parents know the difference but you see the kid every once every couple months right i can't tell anyone yeah you're like okay fine uh another thing i just thought of a cool way to have like a threesome but not real threesome you just bring

a mirror into it oh like if you ever picture like your girlfriend or wife or your husband like i wish i had a three-way like with the twins just bring a mirror into it just picture a dude jerking off in a fun house being like just like oh never never fucked five before and the car the carny running it is like please sir please get out of the fun house no i'm gonna stop until i fuck eight of me it's me and he's like but you have to pay for eight people. I'm going to need 25 tickets. Give me that.

Hey, me. Hey, me. Hello, me. Fucking me again. It's fucking me again. Going to come inside a fun house. Oh, he says it costs more tickets. He doesn't know I got the stamp.

Oh, he doesn't know I have unlimited rights. I got the wristband. Yeah, we had the stamp, my carnival growing up. I guess now it's the wristband. He doesn't know I got the wristband. After this, I'm now it's the wristband. He doesn't know I got the wristband. After this, I'm going to ride the zipper. And then I might

go down the big slide. Oh, hello me. I'm at the fair again. I'm going to come in all the fun houses. I don't care if the cops come in. Because I'm going to come.

All right, let's read our last confession, Brad Guy. You got it. You got it. Where am I? Last one. On read our last confession, Brad Guy. You got it. You got it. Where am I? Last one. On to our next confession. Leaving my name out of this.

Okay. Fuck. Oh, my God. Okay. Leaving my name out of this, but I have a confession for y'all. Maybe Daddy Boyne can get through it without Papa Joe and Uncle Zachy holding his hand. God, you did this on purpose, didn't you? I didn't. I didn't know you were going to mess up reading today.

I was hoping, though. Anyways, my husband's one motorcycle had been broke down for over a month now. Has been broke down for more than a month. Oh, my God. Now I'm in my head. Hey, me, I can't read again. He hauled over a family member's house so they could look at it.

After a few days, he got the call his bike was ready to come home. I took him to pick it up and followed him home. And just a few blocks from his home, his bike completely shut down again. Okay. I head home while he pushes his motorcycle home for the second time. Nerd. I decided I wanted to be a good wife, get the garage open, and move his other motorcycle to make

room. Okay. He had been teaching me how to ride, so I felt pretty confident throwing a leg over and scooching the motorcycle a few feet over. Scooching is such a good word. It is. Can you scooch? I don't think I've ever seen it written down. Scooching. Scooching. Scooching.

I was trying to put the kickstand down and next thing I was on the ground and the bike was on top of me. What? I quickly get up and try to pick his motorcycle up mind you it's at least 500 pounds. Yeah, they're heavy. I have noodle arms. I took everything I had to get some, and then some, because I was not making his day worse

by coming home and seeing that. Thankfully, I got it up before he got home. That's what she said. Now, the bike looked fine from what I could tell, but me and the other hand, not so much. Scraped my knee bad. Got a pretty gnarly bruise on my thigh and pulled something in my back. When my husband got home, I told him I slipped and fell on some tools in the garage before moving his other bike. It's funny to make him feel bad for leaving his tools around.

I'm taking this to the grave or to the divorce. Whichever comes first. Anyways, love the podcast. Keep doing you daddies. Keep doing you daddies. Yeah, trying to help out. You're like, you know what, I'm being just fucking drop his motorcycle. And just the pure panic and sweat. You're like, oh fuck. Looking down the street

to see if he's coming. See if your loser husband walking his bike home is on his own. Oh yeah. And then just be like i don't know i tripped over your fucking tools because you never pick up your hammer he's like sorry babe yeah and then it's yeah put it right on him make him feel like a piece of trying to do something trying to do something nice and you just end up uh okay well let's take a look at some good news for this week. You ready to roll it? Let's do it.

Hey Zach, whenever you're ready, buddy. Bananit! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah! Fucking Megadeth. So we've all... Maybe you guys have.

Who hasn't? But have you guys ever fantasized about going to like a thrift shop and buying something and it just ends up being fucking amazing antique collectible? That was just like going to a garage sale and you're like, huh, what's this? Holy shit, a vintage Gazelle. My grandma and grandpa have an old violin. And I know it's not, but I have this fantasy that it's a Stradivarius.

And it's going to be a million dollar fucking thing. Million dollar fine, so you just hang onto it? And they've had it. It was like their grandma's or something. It's so fucking old. So this particular young lady went to a Goodwill and bought a vase for $3.99. And then it got

auctioned off for more than $100,000. That's huge. What? God, dreams do come true. Jessica Vincent made her way back in June through a busy Goodwill thrift store in Hanover County, Virginia, where the top porn search is smoking, passing VCRs, lamps, and glassware commonly sold at big box retailers.

Nothing really caught her eye until she saw an iridescent glass vase. After doing a lap around the store, she goes, I'll be back. I'm going to go take a look at some sweaters and I'll see if I want this. She returned to the bottle-shaped vase with red and green swirls. She noticed a small M on the bottom that she believed stood for Murano, an island off of Venice and the historical home of Italian glassware. She had a feeling it might be worth something. She's so lucky.

She felt right. I never would have... I saw an M on it and I'd be like, I guess a guy named Mark had it. Made by Mark. This must have been Marcus's vase and I would have thrown it back into the other glassware. Like, where's the broken keyboards?

Where's some old fucking Pro Tools shit? I'm going to buy it. I had a sense that it might be like a $1,000 or $2,000 piece, she said, adding, but I had no clue how good it actually was until I did a little bit more research. So there was no price on the vase. Miss Vincent, 43. I think I called her a young girl. Can I still call her a young girl?

Mm-hmm. I mean, look at this. She looks young. 43's Vincent, 43. I think I called her a young girl. Can I still call her a young girl? Mm-hmm. I mean, look at this. She looks young. 43's not that old. I know. I know that, but she looked like she was like fucking early 20s when I first looked at that. I mean. You're aging well.

Early 20s. That's not crazy. Okay. Well, maybe I just need to clean my glasses. I'm not sure. Told herself she'd pay $8.99 and no more. When the cashier rang her up, it was $3.99. When she returned home from the Goodwill, looked it up.

Wait, if she thought it was going to be $1,000 or $2,000, but she was like, I'm not going to pay any more than $8.99. Okay, she was wrong. Plus, you have a phone. Couldn't you just research it right then and there? That's what I've done before. So anyway, it went to auction, and it was auctioned for $107,100 to an unidentified private art collector in Europe. About 83,500 went to Miss Vincent and about 23,600 went to the right auction house. So there you have it. So keep shopping at thrift shops. You never know. That's some good news

though. I love it. A couple of years ago, went for a walk behind our house, and they were having an estate sale, which is crazy. I'd never been in one before because everything was still in the house, and people were just walking through. It was kind of a small house, so you're walking through these fucking hallways and rooms, and people's stuff is just in there. They were living there. It was so weird. And I saw this. I don't even remember what it was but i remember like it could be worth some money and i started researching it and found

out that it was like one of them was like a hundred dollars and it was like a five dollar purchase but then i was researching more and i was like it turns out it wasn't expensive but in my head i was like oh fuck buy this for five bucks get a hundred bucks but it wasn't expensive, but in my head, I was like, oh, fuck. Buy this for five bucks, get a hundred bucks. It's like looking at baseball cards. When I was a kid, there was this lady doing a garage sale in my neighborhood. We lived in a kind of a nice neighborhood. And she sold a Marshall amplifier and a Gibson Les Paul for like 200 bucks to a guy. Like right before I went there, too. I was like, no.

He's walking out with it. He's like a loser. Yeah, dude. Some people don't know what they have, man. Okay, let's take a look. Don't know what you got. Tooth's gone.

Hey, me. I found a cool book. I found a book. Let's do a book thing. Hey, Zach, go ahead, buddy. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something

super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! When you go to a hotel, one of the nice little touches they do

is put in the fun little design. It's usually just like a little corner on the toilet paper. And you're like, you feel fancy. A little point, like an arrow. You're like, oh my God, am I a king? It just makes you feel nice. But you can learn how to do that plus a ton more because there's a a book on amazon amazon called toilet paper or origami on a roll oh and it shows

you some decorative folds and flourishes for over-the-top hospitality and you can see right here this giant bow can you imagine you show up to my house and you're going to take a shit you look over and there's just this beautiful christmas sized bow and you're like can't wait to wipe my ass on that just picture like any sort of like bachelor with just the most basic setup but that like red toilet nothing on the walls inflatable couch. Then you go in and you have a perfect little Christmas bow on your toilet paper roll. Yeah. That's nice. So anyway, they don't give away the, what is it?

The cow milk thing. Why would you buy the milk? Put the cart before the horse? Close. Different animal. Why would you buy the milk when you get the cow for free? Like that kind of thing? Isn't it?

That seems right. That's the thing. how does that work in this one though uh because they don't show you a bunch of different options for the origami folds just go to youtube i know i know i'm just saying they if you see on amazon they'll give you some previews oh yeah yeah yeah okay right oh i love all these different folds they want to keep it a secret yeah this book was like i don't fucking think so dude um but you can find it just go to amazon and search for toilet paper origami maybe it's just the bow maybe that whole book is just it's just 500 it's so complex it's 500 pages yeah just each one fold honey you've been working on folding the toilet paper for six weeks i've almost got it god it, it's going to be good. Oh, I can't wait to stick this in my butt.

Hello, butt. And then I have to remember how to do it again. And I'll probably forget. But that's okay because I got the book. Okay, let's hear from some of our kids this week and jump over to the emails. The little fucking Mr. Ed. Oh, I know. I'll forget. But good thing I got the book.

All right, Zach, let's fucking go. Yeah. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Wow. All right, Joe.

You ready to hear from our son, Phillip? I love it. All right, he writes, hey, guys. Let me start by saying I listen to you every episode. Hey, he writes like a fucking idiot. So let me just say that. Whoa! Brian! You can't say that. You can't say Philip like that?

Just kidding, Philip. Okay. Let me start by saying I listen to you every episode. Release, well... Want me to give it a go? No, just give me a second. I got it. Let me just get the first sentence. Okay. Brian, let me just get the first one out of the way.

Okay. Hey, guys, let me start by saying I listen to you every episode released while working at an Amazon fulfillment center. Okay. Back to you. I've been asked several times to move up slash train in different positions, but I'm milking it right now. I'd rather chill taking it easy while being able to listen to you guys instead of trying to get promoted and further myself in life. I love that. Do you want to double the money, less hours, more freedom? Yeah, but I can't listen to the show.

Phillip's dad's like, you have your PhD. He's like, I can't listen to podcasts while I'm operating, dad. You know that. You listen to this and tell me that you would miss on this for half a million a year. Yeah, right. I do get that, though. I don't have a job like that where I could just zone out. Yeah, you move yourself up.

No, I mean like when I was designing, I could just throw something on and just work. I don't have that. So I do get it where you just want to hear something. Where am I at? Further myself in life. But anyway, you guys get me literally lolling, and it's guaranteed at least once every episode somebody walks by while seeing me laugh with tears in my eyes

while being in an aisle by myself with earmuffs on. You got it? Mm-hmm. Okay, go. I'm purposely not making paragraphs, by the way, to make this harder as part of... Hey, me. I can't read again. This has been awful.

You were doing so well. I know. You were getting so many compliments. I know. I know. Just weeks and weeks. You got too confident. All right.

I lied. Here's one paragraph. The other purpose of this email. You didn't even finish the last ones. People know why it's so funny. Oh, by the way, make this hard as possible for a blind to read. Nice. Okay.

I lied. Here's one paragraph. The other purpose of this email, besides complimenting you guys, is that I forget what episode, but at one point you were talking about holding poop in and whatnot. And I believe it was, believe it or not, between 7th, 8th, and 8th grade, I was so obsessed with Xbox Live, Halo 2 and 3 in particular. I get it. And my brother had just left for Scotland for some girl he met on Need for Speed leaderboards. Whoa! Nice. Scotland for some girl he met on need for speed leaderboards whoa nice uh he's got a need for

for pounding puss yeah it doesn't rhyme but it applies but it's true he went AWOL from the what went AWOL from the navy etc I left my answer so I had uh his room to myself and I must have liked too must have liked it too much because evidently I started holding ass off. So I had his room to myself. And I must have liked it too much because evidently I started holding my shit in when I had to go and that led to hiding shitty boxers throughout the house and shitty toilet paper under my mom's carpet

in her bedroom. That they found once I was in the hospital. I regret doing all that dumb shit because I love pooping now lmao but anyway one day uh almost at the end of the summer it was my birthday coming up and leading up to that i started to get a a sore a sore of some sort appearing on the inside of my

left ass cheek which made it hard to sit and stuff. I told her it hurt. She checked my ass in the bathroom and went to the hospital where they couldn't properly diagnose me after a day or two. So I got transferred to a kids specialized hospital and after surgery, they said I had Crohn's disease.

That's in my song. All inflamed and whatnot. And that was in 2007. In 2014, I got diagnosed with ulcerative colitis which is also in it after another colonoscopy that i get every three years i'm starting to release my ass you read it i'm starting to release my asshole and it's getting pretty used up seems like i gotta wipe again after 10 minutes of shitting from it leaking or something i don't fucking know i to get back to this bullshit work though.

I typed all this while on the clock. Any minute a manager could walk around the corner. And write me up for being on my phone. But you guys are worth it. Keep on doing your shit guys. 3.5 out of 5 stars. P.S. Don't hold your shit in. I didn't know that things could go so wrong.

From just holding your shit in. I remember being in a lot of pain. And having to go to the hospital when I was constipated. When I was a kid. And they're like, we don't know what's going on. I'm just dying. They took an x-ray and they just like showed the x-ray. And it just like shit up to my neck. They're like, this is the problem.

Gotta get rid of that. The problem is that this poop goes to his brain. Yeah, that poop's gotta be in the toilet. The poop goes out, but right now the poop's just in his head. So he's got to poop. But it's also embarrassing. They're like, I don't know, poop. Yeah.

And your parents are like, cool, where's the bill? It's a fucking $2,000 bill because your kid didn't poop the right way. So anyway, don't hold your poop in, everybody. Learn from Phillip. Our second email was sent in by our son, Corey. Hi, Corey. Hey. Joe was talking about domesticated raccoons.

One of my brother's friends found an abandoned baby raccoon and took it in. He named it John Rambo. Yeah. And it acted like a dog. What? With a penchant for climbing all over his shop. One day, when he was at work, John Rambo wandered over to his neighbors and sat on the deck.

And the neighbor saw him, kicked his own door open, and shot the raccoon point blank with a 12-gauge shotgun. He brought it home and just said, sorry about that, and left. Sorry about your fucking raccoon. Sorry about Rambo.

You should have named it something different, like fucking weak tits or something. The irony of Sorry about Rambo. You should have named it something different, like fucking weak tits or something. The irony of it being Rambo. This story is equal parts sad and funny somehow. Thanks, Corey. Oh my god! Raccoon! And he's just like, can I have some food with his cute little arms?

I picture this raccoon with a little fucking bandana on, just standing outside the door being like, you got any food? I got thumbs. And he's like, fuck you. I got thumbs. I don't know where this is going to go, but I'm really happy about it right now. I have a little squirrel friend, guys. His name is Roger.

Full name is Roger T. Hat. Middle name T. Roger that, if you put it all together. If he keeps on coming back. But it's been a couple weeks of feeding Roger. And I do a little whistle for him.

And then he comes down the tree out of his house and eats some food. What do you give him? He gets some walnuts and some pistachios. And then sticks of butter. Kidding. He doesn't get sticks of butter. A whole stick of butter. Just a whole stick of butter for a squirrel. He doesn't get sticks of butter. A whole stick of butter. Just a whole stick of butter for a squirrel? No wonder he's a fat ass.

Yeah, he's not going to come back. He's going to get a heart attack. You can't just give a squirrel a stick of butter. Everyone knows. Just walking across power lines and just fucking. Yeah, what's that? He falls off the power line and bounces. He's like, back onto the power line.

You're like, fuck yeah, Roger. That's sick. Sick moves, Rog. Rog. What was I going to say? Oh, that children's book, Give a Moose a Muffin. Like if you give a squirrel a stick of butter, just read it from there and it just gets worse and worse and he gets diabetes. It's just not a good children's book.

And then you have Liberty Medical sent to your front door to give it to Rog. Yeah, you have to amputate your pet squirrel's legs. Not a fun children's book. And then you have Liberty Medical sent to your front door to give to Raj. Yeah, you have to amputate your pet squirrel's legs. Not a fun children's book. All right, well, episode 80 in the books. Feeling good. You guys liked it? Yeah, that was fun. Lots of laughs?

Yay. Yeah. Become a part of the gaggle. Thank you to everybody who supports us on Patreon. That is how you get the bonus content. Because we keep going every single show. Sometimes it's a half hour Fuck sometimes we've gone as long as an hour and 20 minutes

Doing bonus shit But head over to patreon.com Slash can you don't podcast Like we said there's 48 trillion Bonus hours at this moment That's a lot Just keeps stacking up Just keeps going up tens of trillions every single week you guys

It's crazy But you'll find a link in the episode description. Sign up for the gaggle. Huge way to support the show. Buying the merch at canyounowpodcast.com. Another huge way

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heyguys at canyounowpodcast.com and then rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. And be sure to check out Uncle Zach onontpodcast.com and then rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. And be sure to check out Uncle Zach on Scatcast. Cards, cards, cards.

Cards, cards, cards. Cards, cards. Episodes, episodes, cards. Cards. Scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. And like I mentioned, I think it was last episode.

Yeah, maybe. One before. We do have a ton of people that have written in, have hopped over there and checked out what Uncle Zach's doing in his own Scatcast universe and absolutely love it. Scatverse?

Scatverse! That's a thing. What's that? That's a thing. Yeah, it is. And then thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground Facebook page. It fucking saves us so much time, so thank you. All right, you ready to wrap it up?

I am. I got a New Year's type of joke for you. Wicked, wicked. Zach. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Good God. My New Year's resolution is to read more.

So I turn subtitles on my TV. Oh, yeah. You get it? Because it's not even reading. It's not. And that's why it's funny. Because you're still watching tv well if you turn the volume down you're reading well yeah and you're you are reading but you're

also watching suits can we talk about just a quick rant on suits have you seen suits no it's like a lawyer well i know it is okay i mean cassie watches it i've gotten into it i've watched the many many episodes of it but god damn it's just so every single scene is like do you trust me I don't know I lost your trust years ago well you should trust me because if you don't then you're gonna get in trouble okay I'll try and they walk out of the

room then it goes to the next one it's like hey I want you to trust me oh man but last time I trusted you this didn't work out I know but right now get to work you have to trust me okay and they walk out of the room and it's just every single episode is them walking around talking about knowing how you should trust everybody and then they walk out and the episode ends i guess if you like routine and trust show for you and hot dudes and hot chicks yeah it's pretty much what what's going on in there and and and affairs and and little scandal like little lies but again it

comes back to do you trust me yeah no, no, I do. Okay, cool. And then they walk out. What channel is that on? I feel like it's Netflix. It's a Netflix show? I don't know. It's got to be like a CBS show or an NBC show, right? It's better.

It's not quite that, but it's a little bit better. It just seems like one of those shows. Yeah, there's not, nothing fucking happens. Anyway, I'm not trying to shit on anyone's fucking parade, but it's not for me. I don't know. You reminded me, this show doesn, but it's not for me. You reminded me this show, it's not on anymore.

It only ran for three or four seasons, but it's called The Detour. So fucking funny. It was on TBS. I can't believe no one knows about that show. It's so fucking funny. Who's in it? The guy? So the guy that

the B she had her own show something b um something b what's her name samantha b samantha b her husband um jake whatever and then uh and then the the chick she's been in some stuff killing it but it's so fucking good you have to look at it it's it's called the detour i don't know how you find it because it was on we watched it years ago when it was on tbs or whatever but i don't know how to find it now okay but it's this family and if they get into some crazy ass shit it's so much better than like a regular family comedy too because they get into some crazy ass shit. All right. I'll have to look it up. And the wife's just a nutcase.

She's like in an awesome way. Good. Well, fucking we'll check it out. Yeah, dude. So fucking good. I don't know why I thought of that,

but fuck yeah, dude. Sharing knowledge. Yeah, bro. Episode 80. We'll keep going if you support us on Patreon. If not, we'll see you guys next week.

Sounds good. Dude, dude, fucking bye. Bye. you're on if not we'll go see you guys next week sound good dude dude fucking bye