Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | What a. F***ing. Year. It's Been.

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

Wooooooooooooah Nelly! That was easily the most insane lap around the sun of our lives, but we are so grateful to have made the journey with all of you. We appreciate your support more than you will ever know. To celebrate, let's read some insane confessions! And probably talk about dongs. Love you all!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/KFnK5N1KGkUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What's going on? Daddy Joe here. Unfortunately, Daddy Brian couldn't be here. He's safe. He called me from a pay phone about 10 minutes ago. He's just smuggling dildos across the border. I don't know. Just something he does on the side. One year of Can You Don't. Y'all, that's incredible. Thank you guys so much. And we know typically kids don't buy gifts for their dads. The dads buy the gifts for the kids. So to celebrate the one year, we're going to give you guys the bonus content on the back end of today's episode. Absolutely free. So check it out.

If you enjoy it, please consider supporting us on Patreon. You've got the bonus content, merch, discounts, all sorts of perks. So check that out. The link is in the episode description. One year. Man, enjoy the show, you guys. Thanks. Bye.

What a fucking year it's been the water broke in! they didn't make the height no maybe they're not supposed to what the fuck our little party blowers don't even make the is yours do it zach no it's just what the fuck well these are dollars god damn it that's a nice sound you all make the sound you blow it ready to go perfect one motherfucking year man yep that is what a year what a year and before we get into the show like not to get too like sentimental oh boy oh god damn it here we go no but i guess i just quickly i know zach you just came

here but it's not like you just appeared in my life right to both of you through i mean without a doubt the hardest and most difficult year of my life when a lot of people you know that i was close to just listened and left they heard a thing and they forgot the other 36 years of my life existed. No, Joe's done. Well, that's it. See ya, buddy. You existed before that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, see ya. And you guys didn't. So thank you. You guys, you know,

it wasn't just this, uh, well, fuck that. Fuck this guy. So thank you very much. I thought about it a lot. I thought about fuck this guy a lot. I bet. You were fucking the first person To reach out I'm still thinking about techno I'm not believing that

I loved you Not for a second Yay Love But yeah we're doing The one year anniversary show Right One year anniversary

It's already Anniversary means It has to happen At least twice right It's a perfect start No you can have A one year anniversary You can

Like when you're married Don't you have a one year Yeah I guess so. You're thinking about the annual where you have to do the second annual. He's thinking about anal is what he's thinking about. I'm just thinking about anal. Am I right, guys? So it's a happy birthday and an anniversary, right?

Oh, absolutely. And I got a balloon that says feel better. Yeah. Because I went to Dollar Tree. If you're not looking on the video version, I mean, we got party hats on, we got balloons. Minnie Mouse. Ranging from happy birthday to you're so special to Minnie Mouse and then best dad.

Best dad ever with a bunch of tools. Construction things. Because every dad works in construction. Who's whipping those things together? You should have seen the lady working there. I walked in and she's like, what do you need? I need i'm like you grab some balloons what can i get you and i was like i don't know i was gonna look around and she starts going through the wall well we have

this we have this i'm like yeah i can fucking see it i'm reading it yeah i'm looking right at it right there i don't need you to narrate i'll do this you're like listen calm down mini mouse get well soon feel better happy birthday best dad ever thank you i'm giving me a half dozen gotta get out of here all right we're doing confessions on the show today we figured why not we got so many yeah so it's gonna be a real fun show and we have some new hot air balloon merch yeah we do available in the store right now uh there i mean we have three different options. Oh, God. That's okay. I mean, just like the little party

blowers, my string showed up broken. I don't have a string. And then your string was glued to your hat. That's why I can't use it. Oh, there it is. Oh, yeah. There it is. It came off? Yep. Perfect. I'm going to put my hat down so I don't have to worry about it the entire show. But the Hot Air Balloon merch,

we have a little checklist shirt. We've got something a little more dialed back if you don't have to worry about it the entire show uh but the hot air balloon merch we have a little checklist shirt we've got something a little more you know dialed back if you don't want a bunch of bunch of words down the front got options got options but the hot air balloon is just woven its way in to the entire can you don't universe yeah and people write in about it first and i will say if you're on pro hot air balloon, for whatever reason, you are outnumbered at least 700 to 1. There's so many bad hot air balloon, like crash landings, emails that are being sent in, or balloons bashing into houses. One just came out when we were recording this. It caught on fire in Brazil and covered an apartment building. Yeah, just like laying down on top of an apartment building on fire.

Just a mess. And the person's just screaming in the video. There's so many people. Are you saying it's not safe? We don't. Is that what you're saying? It is safe, statistically. Statistically, it's safe.

We're saying it shouldn't be, because look at it. You know there's going to be a hot air balloon company that's going to challenge all of us. They'll be like, you're getting up there, and I'm going to not. Just so you know. I would go in it. I'm going to can you don't for sure. I would go in it. I'm not scared of it.

It's just a thing. I don't know why. I don't know why it doesn't complete the checklist of safety for me. No, I mean, I was looking at pictures of it again. And it's like, however big the hole hole is and there's a flame going right up in between it like if that the wind picks up and the makes the flame move a little bit tilts yeah just the flame just goes you know like when air hits it kind of goes like a candle like what if that happens you're done what if you know and you're just in this wicker basket flying flammable

picnic basket you know that i found this out um that the way they're able to tell if it's going to be windy or not in a day all over the world if all the hot air balloons are on fire yeah no all over the world at the same exact time they release basically release weather balloons into the sky and it goes up and it hits the jet streams and they can then they can predict where it's going which way it's going to go and if it's going to be windy and all this kind of stuff yeah you're fucking kidding me yeah i was one i always thought there's just somebody up there being like pretty windy and then it's like calls back down to the station no it's like it's pretty windy there's they let them off they do twice a day and they let them off at the same time all over the world at like the exact same time or

whatever what it's just someone with a huge weather balloon just letting it go up that's very expensive to do ballooning. Yeah. I'd say. That's too much work for ballooning. For ballooning. Can you imagine if that's what it was? There's got to be a better way.

Yeah. Just one guy in a balloon like, okay, I'm getting a side wind. Whoa. Oh, geez. Whoa. I almost fell over. Anyway, if one of you guys can come follow me

and pick me up, I'll be 17 miles. Yeah. I'll be in San Diego. Be west of San Francisco. That's a bad place to be, sir. I know. I know it's a bad place. You might need a boat.

Imagine if your job was to go up in the balloon, end up in San Diego. You're like in Nebraska. You blow to San Diego. You have to get off there. You fill out some paperwork, and you just fly back to Nebraska, and then you wake up and do that again. Every day, you're just Nebraska to San Diego. That's just what UPS workers use? I love how it said

Nebraska as it's like it's a city. Because I don't know what else is in Nebraska. Lincoln's in there. Omaha? No. Kearney. Omaha, Nebraska? Kearney, Nebraska? Omaha's in Nebraska. Yeah, put it right in there. It's where the World Series, College World Series is. Which is about to bring up the bat

the old baseball bat well we do have a very fun story or show to get into today before we do that it finally happened to me and I didn't tell this to you guys

because I want to get your reaction reaction live never had one you know 37 years old almost 38 and I've never had

any sort of ticket driving a vehicle oh like a police yeah please please thing please tickets a police ticket that sounds so that is hard to believe i know i know never had no things ain't got none uh and now and now i do and let me tell you guys how it went down and you you might hear this story and you're like well law's the law is it how about jaywalking do you complete stop at every stop sign right do you do you put your blinker on 500 feet is what you're supposed to do before you make any turn yes so don't come here with the last lie hey me it's me again okay brian has a test list so it does it for him oh yeah yeah he woke up here yeah he set his alarm last night and woke up at the studio it ordered my zips and everything i

mean kind of like this oh yeah so we're we're in cordellan i got the kids in the car and i'm at a stoplight i just got there and uh text him with my buddy chase hey chase if you're listening okay stop it that's check one no texting no that's not that's not what i'm getting at i was texting with my buddy chase earlier in the day okay and you can you can back me up on this when i drive what do i do what do i text you do i tell you i'm driving driving brb like i can't get back to you right away but you're still doing it illegally oh my god yeah i'm gonna leave am i wrong it's correct am i wrong driving is when i was leaving the parking lot i hope i don't kill a family pulling out of the fucking parking space so do i yeah i got it i i mean by the way you were texting on the way here today too

yeah it's a tesla dude it does it for him i'm not the ones complaining about getting a ticket stop it so i was texting with him earlier in the day and i stopped at the stoplight and i picked my phone up out of the console and i looked at it and chase had texted me and so i went and i heart reacted it and then put it back down where it charges right back in the middle console right that is how long the exchange was it was probably five seconds of reading it laughing holding it down heart react throwing it back down and then i'm sitting there and i look over and like the scary guy from terminator there's a cop staring at me through the window and i and i just look at him and I just look back forward.

But I wasn't scared. If he was watching me that long, he watched me pick up the phone, look at it, heart react, and then put it back down. It's like I was holding up traffic. I wasn't like... And then the guy, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, shit. And throw your phone down. Nope.

Being somewhat responsible with it. Pull forward. He pulls behind me uh lights on so he's pulls me he's pulling me over uh not just him two cops pulled me over so back to back police vehicles and a third one pulled up to my driver's view oh my god and looked in and i was like like is this a murder suspect busy day in crime world in Idaho, huh? I know. I turned to my kids. I was like, I didn't kill anybody. Is that Joseph Duncan? And the other third cop car drives by and does the same Terminator stare.

Like, I have just ruined everything. This motherfucker. And he gets on the thing and does the pull over, like on the speaker. Oh, really? Because I was sitting in traffic i didn't want to pull over on the bridge right get out of the car i was on a bridge so i was trying to be nice and get to a place where we weren't on a bridge and it was for his sake and pull the vehicle over you're trying to be uh mindful of the cop getting out of his car

walks up walks up first question is anything in the vehicle i need to know about like kind of that look aviators oh yeah like that fucking cop and i'm like no there's not he goes okay okay he goes well reason i pulled you over he goes using your phone using your phone while operating a motor vehicle and i just looked at him and just stared when i knew I wasn't going to be a smart ass. And I just went, okay. He goes, so license and registration, got all that shit figured out. Go back to the, go back to the cop car. And then here's the, here's the part where he walks up. I'm like, there's no fucking way.

He's going to see my record. He's going to see no tickets in almost 30, 38 years. And he walks up, he goes, well, he goes he goes uh you're gonna have to get your uh your insurance updated you know it says here like you switched insurance and i'm gonna need that car you know you need that card in the car or else if you get in a car accident like then everybody's fucked they didn't say it like that but he said i was like that's not how that works because i have insurance so uh sweet lie bro uh it's like if you get in a car accident but you don't have the thing in the car it's like what are we gonna do doesn't exist no insurance it's like cool you're not scaring me simple phone call take care of that and then he does this little number where he goes he goes

unfortunately i'm gonna have to write you up for using your phone in a motor and you know while operating motor vehicle I'm good. I'm good. I'm gonna I'm left with no choice Like this just something I've got two options. I can do it and I have to do I have to do it That's it. You know, I'm doing what's right doing what's right out here? Okay, I'm not gonna say his name But I'm sure sergeant dickhead people around here like oh, yeah I fucking know that guy like he had that kind of attitude and i was like okay well thank you sir and i pulled it down fucking 131 dollars for heart reacting for heart reacting and i might i mean i can fight it and here's the thing i called in to like see what my options were in

fighting it and the lady the fucking desk she i was like't know. Like, I don't know if I should fight it or I want to set up a court date. There's a little, like, phone scratch, and she gets real quiet. She goes, well, do you have any proof that you're using it? Like, so now she's helping me? I was like, no. Like, I mean, besides him staring at me,

looking down, like, that's it. And she goes, man, you can fight it. Like, they usually don't show up. So she's helping me me and I appreciate that but I don't know if I want to deal with the court date thing anyway we gotta

we gotta get in the show they usually don't show up yeah they don't they don't show up you know what it is it's the it's the redeem coupon

that's what it is they're counting on you not going to the court date and just paying the bill just paying it that's 100% what it is they're not gonna go there there's no proof.

You have no idea what I was doing in that car. Just looking down, you're like, fuck this guy. You could have been touching your dick. I was. In front of your kids. I was biting my fingernails and jerking off. Like, for all you knows. Anyway.

All right. So we should probably move on. Okay. Does that sound good? Yeah. Actually, no. Let's not move on. Actually, maybe we should.

What time is it? Fuck it. It's our one year We might go a little bit longer We have a quick update from our bloody son Bobby Remember Bobby the Butcher? So he's back again and here's what he says So when I was 21 I was being pulled by this massive jet ski

He was going about 40 to 45 in a straight line So going back to last week's Would you jump out of a boat or a car Situation 40, 45 in a straight line. So going back to last week's, would you jump out of a boat or a car situation? Right, right, right. 40-45 in a straight line. And without warning, he just whips it to the left, which causes me to be shit whipped off. I love that. Shit whipped off the tube. And from what some of my

buddies saw was me do three cartwheels on top of the water. My shorts flung off into nowhere. And then I finally sank. So here I am crawling to shore naked hoping someone has a towel i can borrow one of my buddies saw my shorts in the water and they swam over to get them and guess what uh you guys it ripped almost completely in two needless to say i was all over sore for about a week and my neck was fucked for about a month thought i just let you guys know

that it's survivable to hit the water going at least 50 love the show and love y'all time to get all bloody so i can go get laid tonight. Remember that? His wife liked it when he was all bloody. Right, he was all bloody butchering. Peace out, fuckers. Butcher Bobby. I'm a guy.

So real quick, if he was going 40 to 45 and then whipped to the side, he's probably going faster than 50. Yeah, he has to be. There's a little bit of physics involved. He gets a little bit more torqued there. Yeah, he might have been going 60. Right, Who knows? But I just love that he's like, it's just, you just, when you finally settle in, you're

like, I'm nude. It's always a fun feeling. Oh, yeah. God, it feels a little bit colder on my balls. Just a tee, babe. Like, damn, I'm not usually this small. Am I? You're looking back through dick pics?

What if it tore his sack open? Like, if it's going to rip his shorts in half. I mean, all the water enema you could get. Oof. That'd be pretty good, though. Yeah. It'd be cleaning out. Yeah, it'd be ready rip his shorts in half? I mean, all the water enema you could get. That would be pretty good, though. Yeah, we'd clean you out. Yeah, be ready for an anilator. Just shitting out lake water.

Yeah. Okay, now we can move on. Let's start the show. Fucking sack! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Go. We have a number one in the studio.

It looks like a giant penis. It looks like a dick. Well studio. It looks like a giant penis. Well, for you, just a regular penis. This is the same exact size as my penis. There are some penises out there that big. Could you imagine? There's no way. Yeah. The elephant? Okay, go ahead. That was a good one.

Okay. This is from our listener Big C. Okay, Big C. Okay, Big C. What you got? Would you rather watch your family dog get run over, perfect, or have to renew your driver's license every week for a year? Oh, geez.

Driver's license. I mean, but Zach, that's a lot of time. You didn't really think about it. I like my dog a lot. It's a pretty good dog. It's true. I mean, but Zach, that's a lot of time. You really think about it. I like my dog a lot. It's a pretty good dog. It's true. I mean, what is he? How much of your life is your dog worth in dog years?

All the weeks. So your sanity, your time. No, I get it. The DMV is a hell on earth. That's for sure. And it's in bigger cities. Here in Coeur d'Alene, you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. 30 minutes so I'm comparing it to like a situation that you would typically expect

the DMV to be which is not great take a number cool I'll see you tomorrow you'll walk out take a nap for six days and wait for your number to be called what is the if you picked watching your or your family dog get run over like how do you do that all right kids i've got good and bad news right they're like okay what is it what the better good news first let's go with the bad all right we're going we're going outside spots is getting ran over what good news i'm gonna save a ton of money in dog food my car insurance ton of money on my car insurance and then geico yep 15 minutes could save you 50 and you just gather the family around you're like all right hit it and your dog's chained down like the situation looking at you have you guys ever seen a dog get hit by a car yeah i know it's not fun

no did your dog survive it wasn't my dog but i mean but the dog that got hit no i didn't it was awful did you or were you the one that hit the dog i have hit a dog before yes oh no yeah but i also watched it no wonder you have some so you've hit your own you've watched one what the hell i never hit my own i've i ran over who i thought was my friend's girlfriend's dog when we were kids and it ended up not being but we hid for like a day hid the body no oh hid from her gotcha he hid from her yeah i'm a bad man yeah we just discovered that like you try to cover it up by being like i would never want to and then you go back and he's abusing dogs that's why he doesn't want to witness it he's done with it you got ptsd i have like 13 dog skulls in my fucking office right now. You have a necklace of dog skulls?

And dog ears. Chain, like with the address on him and everything. He goes home, like smells leashes. He's like. The address on it. Yeah, it's got the little address on it. You read it, you're like, not anymore. Feefies doesn't live here no more.

Guess where you used to live, Cece. Ranger. You wish you could go home, don't you, Ranger? You know what he does is he takes him, keeps him for a while, and then he goes and hangs him on the handle of the front door. The dog or the leashes? The leashes. Okay.

That's better. Yes! He just hangs the dog by the leash. Hey, do you mind if I stop by? Yeah, I'm in the house with a dog hanging off the door handle. What'll see it you can't can't miss it can't miss it it's a great dame the dogs are the welcome mat oh what's that made of great dame calling the police that looks real it's a sick rug what's it made of uh wiener dog shih tzu a little bit of everything pure bread pure bread it's a pure

bread welcome mat oh it smells great let me smell it cops can you don't welcome mat with dog fur you come over you come over and you bring your dog and the dog's just sniffing the welcome mat's asshole he's trying to hump it stop humping the welcome mat i've seen i saw a dog got hit. I saw a dog get hit. I saw a dog get hit. I saw a dog get hit. I'm not going to sit again. I'm not going to do it again. What time you at? What time enough? I ain't going to do that shit.

No, I was a kid and watched the neighbor's dog get plowed on Main Street. Got rolled under the car. We carried it home. It lived, but it was sad. So, yeah, I hate that. But our little Yorkie got ran over, but she was so little that it cleared her she ran out into the street and a car drove over top of her and it kept going and she just froze in the middle of the street and i ran over there i was like come here and she starts running around like no get i tried to get her on the grass don't

do it i thought she was gonna be splattered but she was she was fine just a little spooked like laying underneath a train that's flying by you pop up like no problem no big deal one always wanted to do we talked about doing that one chain is loose yeah guess who's wearing it your nutsack your nuts and your chin your head's gone and your head and your dick are just gonna be rolling down the fucking train tracks isn't there a movie where they're fighting on top of a train? Dude gets his head. Oh all four thousand of them One specific I'm thinking guys under siege to only and he picks him up and the guy goes Oh, it looks like this rips his head off. It has the the little crossbar like a light. You know what it is It's speed. What's it on speed? Was it speed for for some reason i feel like keanu reeves is oh yeah yeah really that would be a bus though right or no speed two were they on a train it was a train

two was a boat was a boat oh yeah this is so funny not as fast well no you know what it was is it's after remember after the train crashes or whatever don't they no i know i've seen it yeah it's they get on the train and because remember the bad guy what's his name we're gonna see his real name goes in there and he fights him i know i see the scene yeah i see it exactly i love the idea of the producers like watching the success of speed one you're likehmm. And you're like, fuck, we got it. What else? A boat. What else?

Can't slow down. And they're like, hmm. Hot air balloon. And they're running through a hot air balloon. Speed 3 in a hot air balloon? It can't dip below an elevation level. Fuck. Are you going to parachute on this one?

I can't do a counter-reef splat. Whoa. Yeah. gonna get parachutes on this one I can't do a camera replay try it yeah all the parachutes on this it's just I'm gonna shoot a dot on here fuck dude what's this do

Johnny Nebraska bro you have to stay with him like five feet elevation Johnny Nebraska Johnny Utah Johnny Dakotas Johnny Nebraska

that was Clams Club Johnny Ohio hey Omar Johnny Utah. Johnny Dakotas. Johnny Nebraska. That was Clams Club. Johnny Ohio. Hey, Omaha. Okay, so. Utah. Yeah. Utah.

What is the matter if your dog's old? Belushi. Not Belushi. Beshim. Or not Beshemi. What the hell's his name? With the teeth. With the teeth.

The guy with the teeth. The guy looks like Nick Nolte. I don't know. Bushi bushy jesus i like the driver's license i mean i riry my dog my my jack dick as we call him because he's jack russell and wiener dog uh it's the old jack dick that's his name in uh speed jack jack dick all every hero in the 90s was named jack go ahead good he's old like i don't know how is the last whatever he has is that worth me spending like whatever at least inconvenienced let's go two hours in the dmv every single week is that worth it yes well so what i was gonna say was uh my first thought was how old is the dog is it like on its last way yeah it's a three it's a three-legged dog um so it's a one-legged it's a

way it's a good way to put it out of its misery is there any one-legged dogs just what kind of they got like little those little carts i, but he just got one little kicker. Oh, it's cute and sad. It's like a broken bathtub toy. It's like this big fucking... I don't know. I was picturing a bathtub with claws. Oh, yeah.

At the back. Just lopsided shit. No, it's all lopsided. Water spilling out. This is terrible. Yeah. I'm going to... I'm going to DMV.

Yeah, I'll go to the DMV. It's worth it. At least I know. I feel like I did the right thing. That's an image you can't get out of your mind. No. Unless you, there's people out there that are like, you hate the dog? Like my grandma, rest in peace, Grandma Jerry, her dog named Skeeter was the worst fucking dog in the world.

He would just, if you weren't her, you were on his shit list. He was like, like all of your feet, everyone's feet are in trouble. I fucked that dog. So if I, if you asked me this back when Skeeter was alive, I'd be like, yeah, fucking put the dog out there. Sucks. Skeeter. It's broken. It's broken.

It's a broken dog no one liked it my grandma didn't even like it because no one would come over because skeeter would bite their fucking feet terrible i mean he was like a sheep dog so it's kind of you know what he was doing but my grandma is funny she why do grandmas do this there's like she she adopted this cat that was like in her back it was coming over all the time, but it, yeah, it like, it will attack people if you come over,

but she'll go, she'll be like, I can't go to dinner. I can't go with you because I have to watch the cat. The cat, you hate the cat because no one comes over because it attacks you or attacks the people and you complain about the cat, but you won't go do stuff with your own family because you have to be home with the cat yep what the fuck talk about a mistake talk about a life mistake am i right that's awful she's in her 90s though she's just looking for excuses to stay home so

maybe it's working out for her i like cats more but then she complains that no one comes to visit you like cats more than dogs no close yeah i thought i didn't like cats and than dogs? No. Close. Yeah. I thought I didn't like cats, and then I have two, and I'm like, I'm pretty cool. It's the purring. It's like purr medicine. It's also they don't give a fuck about you, which is also really funny to me in a dark way. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're like, oh, my God, I dedicate my life to you.

And they're like, bye. And they sprint out the door like, don't fuck. And they do like the archy back, like, don't fucking touch me. You're like, I have raised, you've spent a decade with me. You'd be dead without me. And they're like, don't fucking touch me you're like i have raised you've spent a decade with me you'd be dead without me like don't fucking touch me as long as you've got like they come home they're like where's my fucking food like because you're as happy to see him oh you're back you didn't die like that's that's the relationship that's what you get i didn't die so we're all going to the dmv fucking sweet zacky, would you do it?

Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. Talk to me, young. Would you like to read? Do you want to do the... I'll do the short ones. Was that a short person joke?

Actually, we're the same size. So, those are gone. Actually, Zach's back, so now I'm tiny again. You're shorter than I am, aren't you? What are you? Five nine? Yeah, I'm like five, ten and a half.

Oh, yeah? But you have a way bigger penis than I do. Horse cock. Yeah. Gosh, man. For anybody that calls him horse cock. I don't even pay you. Yeah, for the people who call him horse cock, it is accurate.

I've seen him in a skin tight tight body suit dude i can see the veins there was a picture long ago in a time a different lifetime yeah you and dan were in a bathroom oh yeah that's where i noticed i was like jesus christ look at this mic we need to change this micropene thing around oh you guys are too kind guys i did you shoved it in our faces i didn't want to know i'm, don't say that. I'm not sure I want a penis that big. Last time I did that, big trouble. Fair enough.

Okay. That's my wife's like, oh, yours is perfect size. I wouldn't want anything bigger. So I know that I hit the jackpot there. Unless she's lying. God, she's nice. There's no way she's lying. Women, they don't lie about those kind of things.

They would never lie about that. She always orgasms. Okay. You read the first one because it's short. Okay. Okay. Hey, horse cock Paisley. Perfect timing.

Hawaiian. Yeah. Hearing you guys talk so much about teaching in this week's episode, I thought I'd chime in with a confession. Okay. I've been an English teacher in Asia for 12 years and have only been fired once. Let me tell you how. I love how that's- Same, bro.

I've only been fired once, dude. Oh, I get it. Okay. It was peak COVID times, so all my classes were online. How can you get fired? I guess we're going to find out. You're about to find out. I was teaching a high school class online, and I signed into my class 15 minutes early.

I didn't realize I was sharing my screen. Here we go. I was bored and horny for some reason decided to rub one out before the lesson started i get it oh i was then bombarded with messages from my boss and other people that worked at my school that periodically look in class because i was sharing porn to my class i was swiftly fired and rightfully so oops oh well don't share your screen when teaching online oh man that i've i have i've had that fear before where so i have like you know you put the tape over the camera whatever just because i don't you never know i

i've it's been years since i've rubbed one out with my laptop because I'm in fear of that. That's the thing. There's another camera in there somewhere. What? What about your phone? I put toilet paper on top of it. Your NSA guy is just confused. He's like, what the hell is going on?

He's like, God damn, dude. Why is it so blurry? Like, I can't even see his dick. I just want to see his dick. I just want to see his dick. It's so close to his face. Imagine NSA having access to phone cameras. What are you seeing when dudes are jerking off? Well, so what I do, I don't face the camera or I don't face the phone towards me.

I do it like that so it points up towards the ceiling and then kind of peek over it well done yeah no I'm serious put into a mirror one of those kaleidoscope I wear a kaleidoscope I put it on top of the thing and have a kaleidoscope what's it called yeah you look through it periscope periscope that's what I mean kaleidoscope is way different that'd be terrible porn yeah you're like god there's so many dicks so many diamonds so many boobs dicks boobs like 500 of them like cool parents though that's what i that's what i was thinking of yeah but a periscope it's like on top of the cupboard i put it on the cupboard and standing in the kitchen looking and walking in on that your pants your pants are to your knees you have a fucking red plastic periscope that's pointing up above the fucking cabinets.

He's jerking off looking into it. The way Steve the NSA guy is finding me. I love dust. What are you doing? Red flag. That's a red flag, isn't it? Yeah. Is that a relationship ender?

There would be a lot of red flags if wives, well, maybe ladies too, but wives knew what their husbands were doing when they're out of the house. Oh yeah. I was going to say, if you leave for the weekend and you leave your husband home, I don't think you want to know what goes on there.

It's the only time I'm doing laundry. And no one's even, it's not like people are coming over. Like it's just you. Yeah. Well, you don't want them to come over. Yeah.

You're all cummed. Because you just walk around naked. Just fuck stuff. Yeah. Hump everything. What can I fuck? The dog's looking pretty good. I already fucked that lamp.

Wife comes home and she's like, you ready? Hey, me. It's me fucking lamps again. What's that, Zach? Your wife comes home. You're like, you ready for some love? You're like, I am absolutely not. I am wore out. I jerked off six times before you

got home. Like, oh, I would, but we need a new sofa. Why does this lamp work? I don't remember the couch cushions being crunchy. This button's really stuck. I don't understand why. Yeah, I fucked it. VHS thing doesn't open? Little flap? Ah, I fucked it.

Oh, man. The bread box doesn't open little flap ah fucked it oh man but this is bread box phone open this is this is funny this is that is a funny story uh yeah you got fired that's embarrassing that is embarrassing i wonder what kind of porn it was that makes a big difference too like if you were do a adventurous mindset like i'm not sure if you're like me you don't always look up the same porn yeah right zach come on same porn every time or no pretty much oh i mean i'm a very boring person it's in the same wheelhouse it's just it's just a few different actresses and stuff sex looking up dogs getting hit by cars yeah dark web never going home it's just in the street like flailing and whining and you're like like, ah! Don't stop. This is what I wanted.

You have to, at dives, you have to rewind. Oh, I missed the spot. Missed it. I was trying to find lube. It is worse when you're like, when you're like, get really close. And all of a sudden, it cuts to the guy's face. He's like, ah! You're like, no!

Go back to the chick! The fake one? Yeah, and you're trying to, you're like, trying to rewind. You're trying to reprogram me! Yeah. Okay, so our next confession i didn't like that music i might delete it it says hey daddies in 2015 i was working in a prison in indiana and i couldn't stand my partner okay i like uh like where this is going like a

wife or i guess who had to work with yeah um one night he got into an argument with one of my best friends who was a lesbian and called her some homophobic slurs and it pisses me off so fast forward a couple hours later and he got called to the uh to the duty office to get rode up so i took the opportunity to take to take his mountain dew bottle to the bathroom and rub my sweaty peen all over the opening of the bottle and put it back on his desk and when he got back he slammed it and i just smiled in satisfaction before you judge me just know a couple weeks later he got fired for yelling out black folk no a couple weeks later he got fired and arrested for bringing in drugs so fuck him

love your silly goose son tim p.s daddy brian go longhorns fight oh man we've covered rubbing dicks on stuff go dogs yeah in the past I love how he just he wasn't even anonymous he's like I'm just gonna tell ya

I know he just he just laid it in there you get it it's very specific okay he's a Texas Longhorns fan his name is Tim I mean that's this is his fault

I didn't do it he wrote it in so there you go. That's what you get, buddy. How many Tims could possibly like the Longhorns? There's one. Look it up. Like, Tim who likes Longhorns.

Shows a picture of him in jail rubbing his dick on a Mountain Dew bottle. I've never done that. I've never done the get back, put things in food stuff. I haven't either. But when we talked about the fast food, we still get fast food emails of people that share their working in the things they've either done or watched other people do to customers' food. I watched a guy play hockey with a burger patty and then put it in the...

On the floor? Yeah, dude. At Wendy's. I still wonder why I even... Look, it's just so good and easy, but I'm like, why do I continue to go back to fast food restaurants? What a funny request. Like, oh, hey, can I get the Dave number one single?

Yeah. Can you smack it around? Can you kick it across the floor for a bit before you put it in my hamburger? Can you do a triple deke? Yeah. can you hit the top shelf with a five hole no i can't do both those things actually because five you know what i'm saying that would be icing on the cake if you could do that hey oh man but i get it some people piss you off i know people that i can't out them i don't think the statute of limitations is up that have done some shit in previous work environments but i'm not going to give those up but i have never like personally done anything to a food or beverage of a person i don't like

or that made me mad or whatever it was so i think i have either okay well you know i i just don't have a revengeful i would feel bad and then i'd be like why did i do that oh man because then but then i would worry about what if he gets sick because of that and then they find my dna in his throat you know i mean like that's where my brain goes yeah and then before you know it like you fucking get hepatitis c from cocaine like i'm terrified to scare somebody yeah you're like you run out and just go, hi! And they're like, what? And you're like, what?

That's funny. Did you kill them? Yeah. Yeah, I'm terrified that they're going to have a heart attack or something. And then it's my fault. So you just stay there and then they end up like accidentally scaring you? And then I die of a heart attack? Yeah.

Okay, let's move on to the next confession. All right. Do you want to read it? It's not a short one, but let's see if we can get through it. You can do it. I know you can. One morning, I was woken up by rudely. Fuck.

All right. I'm going to stop the music. One morning, I was woken up rudely by this horrible douchebag I was dating. Okay, music back in. He was ripping the covers off the bed at 3 a.m. Yelling how Jake, my lab. Oh, dog. Had shit under the covers.

He's like, it, a dog. Music off. Yeah. Had shit under the covers. He's like, it's a dog. He's. All you hear is heavy breathing from the producer's side. Zach's like, yeah, it's a fucking dog. Yeah, baby. Yeah. Did you smack it around a little bit? Yeah.

Did you throw it in the street? Okay. Did you drag it behind your car? Oh, yeah. How fast were you driving? That's it, baby. Okay. 3 AM.

Music back. I was confused because he doesn't sleep under the covers, but in a half awake state, I asked him what happened and he said he rolled over and stuck his hand in something and accidentally rubbed it up his face. Love that. Filling his nose cavities

with the foul smelling substance. Still half asleep, I told him to get in the shower and I will change the sheets. First time he ever did what he was told LOL I went in the bathroom to pee Before I stripped the bread Off the sandwich

The bed Dropped my shorts and realized Oh no it was me It was me all along I shit the bed I shit the bed again Now in my defense this guy was the bane Of my existence

Why are you together It happens A jealous asshole that always made me feel like I wasn't good enough Oh god And out to get him No I know I was thinking about Is this good enough for you

You like it Oh fuck You're going to make it. And not to get him. No, I know. I was thinking about, oh, is this good enough for you? Is this good enough for you? You like it? Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. My anxiety was so through the roof, and my stomach was constantly in knots. So it's really not that surprising that I was so worked up one night that it just happened. I wish I could use an excuse that I was drunk or sick, but unfortunately, I cannot. I was just anxious and apparently full of shit. Yeah! Okay. Take that, motherfucker. That's what you get for making my life hell.

I shit on your face. I proceeded to strip the bed, change it, give Jake a pat on the head, and settle back down for the rest of the night. When he got out of the shower, he came into the bedroom, and I looked at him dead in his face and said, Wow, I can't believe Jake shit under the covers. What a bad dog. All the while winking at my beloved lab And stifling the giggles Yeah good job Who's a good boy

You did it The story gets better As he went through his day Several times he told me My god I still can smell it I bet you can you twat waffle And that's what you get I never did tell him it was me that shit the bed

Because that is a secret I hold never did tell him it was me that shit the bed because that is a secret i hold close to my heart still makes me smile every time i think of it so that's my confession and i don't even feel bad thanks for listening daddies you're welcome i wouldn't feel bad either cool boy but that if you having dogs we all got we all got the puppers uh is there anything worse i'm not sure does your dogs my dogs sleep or in bed yours okay zach oh yeah okay have you guys ever like you kick your leg over and you're like god damn it and you feel your foot like getting some some shit or laying on a wet spot and like well i didn't piss down there so i guess that's what's happening right now yeah yeah you guys

ever stepped off the bed and stepped in a pile of shit oh yeah and puke yeah it's really fun oh i need to tell this story on another show what about this whole dog kid shitting fiasco that happened to me a couple years ago shit fest i'm gonna save it i'm gonna save it we're gonna talk about another show okay i love that i love that but i have never been in a situation where someone like you slap your hand in it and you like do the like the whipped cream at a sweet a sleepover situation where you tickle her nose and they rub shit like shit cream i'm i'm happy i'm happy for her yeah happy she accidentally got probably the biggest payback or the best kind of payback you could ever get. And that's watching someone rub your shit all over their face and getting away with it.

So, fuck yeah, dude. I'm assuming they're, I'm trying to remember, they're not dating anymore, right? I would assume not. I was dating, yeah. If you're still in it, get out. Just run. Well, unless she's just doing stuff like that to torment him. For the last 15 years, she's just been periodically shitting to torment him for the last 15 years she's just

been periodically shitting in bed on tuesdays plowing some other dude jake and then uh jake from state farm jake from state farm what's the shit under the covers again man god right through his khakis terrible insurance company uh third insurance reference we've made that's the theme maybe we're looking we're looking for some insurance. Can you don't insurance? Oh, that actually works. Can you don't? Yeah. Just drive safer, please.

It's just, yeah. Can you don't insurance? All right, let's move on to the next confession. Okay. We got a few more here to get to. It says,

Sup, gamer daddies? This is your Hawkeye state son. Ooh, Iowa. Ooh. This is a story about how my stepdad reacted when I got caught by my mom

for trying to look at adult sites when I was in the 7th grade. You went to the 7th grade? Fuck. That's when I was learning the internet. Yeah, the internet just came out. We were ready to go. 2011, I was caught by my mom when I clicked out of the laptop right as she was entering the house. Classic.

No, nothing going on here. Oh, mommy back. How was your day? How was the mail mail run what you're looking good good nice lipstick wow you fit nice dress i like that dress on you the printer's printing uh yeah i got a question for you guys have you ever been caught oh yeah you uh you never're missing episodes no okay this is actually i shared this story back on as we dumb remember my friends blame me for getting

caught looking at porn oh that's right and then every time i walked over like no computer i feel like i'm like you motherfuckers never been caught never been caught not by anyone ever yeah never been ever and never been caught jerking off ever ever well just by whoever your internet provider watching their computer camera my nsa guy you're right i got a guy just laying on the floor you're gonna did my nsa guy knows you're gonna say yeah you open up you open up porn on your laptop on the coffee table and then lay on the floor and get your periscope out? Imagine walking. What kind of VR bullshit is going on here?

You're behind the couch with your periscope. Periscope. Periscope. Periscope watching porn on your computer. Just like, yeah. Okay. She asked me why I had gotten off the computer so fast, and I guess said that I was trying to look at women on the internet.

They didn't try to hide it. I don't know. I'm learning more. Just look at tits. Just look at tits. At this point, she was mad mad and me thinking that she was going to get the paddle my stepdad made year uh what my stepdad made years ago yeah that's not right the paddle my stepdad made years ago period okay she said wait till your dad gets home from work so i'm thinking that i'm going to get a paddling of a lifetime my stepdad gets home my mom has to tell him what i did and he was surprised but uh to say the least of course he walks into the kitchen to get a drink of water and i follow behind him to also get a drink of water instead of getting mad

or yelling at me he just winks at me fuck yeah bro time i didn't get paddled but it was pretty embarrassing to hear my stepdad read the search history. Let's go to the board. Number one. MILF. Paddle my dick harder. Yeah. Number one.

Fuck my mom. You're like, okay, well. 18 and abused. What's that? Osidius? Is that the guy? Osidius Complex? Zach's going to know that one.

Will you fuck your mom? The Freud thing? No. Isn't it the old Greek? Oh. Oh. Oh. I think it's Os Freud thing? No. Isn't it the old Greek? Oh. Oh. I think it's Osiris. Did I know something Zach didn't know? Where you want to plow your mom?

Yeah. I think that's Freud. I can't remember what it's called. Oh. I thought it's called the Osiris complex. You're probably right. Because it's written about how in that book he just wanted to fuck himself. Or fuck himself.

Fuck his mom. And then the whole thing is like every the first crush that every boy has is on their mom like serial killers that kill women that remind them of their mom that's why is that why the stepdad thing is so popular and porn we we gotta get into some deeper stuff we gotta do some reading all right let's go to the library he was getting into deep stuff sorry can you don't library i so i didn't get paddled, but it was pretty embarrassing to hear him read the search history. After that, my mom said that if I wanted to go on the computer, I would have to ask. One time I did ask when my mom was at work and my stepdad was out with my little sister.

I called him to ask if I'd go on to YouTube and he said, you can look at boobs, but nothing else. Thank you for reading this email. Hopefully it makes it on an episode of Confessions. Not sorry for how long it was.g yeah i get it dog groomer dog groomer right zach basically i mean i don't we've talked plenty about getting caught looking at porn but uh that concept of like the stepdad which i approve his parenting in this situation. You can't stop it. There's no fucking way.

Good luck. Either you just have to have a discussion about it and hope for the best. Because there's no way you're stopping anybody from looking at porn once the internet really, really started taking off. But then you're like, okay, no, I'm not going to paddle you. But what I'm going to do, and it gets his readers out, like sits down at the computer, he's like, we're going to go through your search history. I'm not going to paddle you because it says here on your search history that you like it. That you're into that, yeah.

And here in your diary, it says the last time you came was after you got in trouble last time. So go ahead and scratch that one off. There's also a funny thing in there about like knowing what your dad's into. If you see their porn, like, okay, my dad's into anal or whatever. Like, you just. Like, cool. What do I do with this

information? Move out? Is it father like son? Am I into the same stuff? Guess I do too. Okay, you ready to move on? This is our last confession. Yeah. For this show. Go ahead.

All right. Hi, guys. Hey. Inspired by Brian's poop story on episode one, I have my own story to share. So fitting. The one-year episode, episode one. What a circle. It's a full circle jerk.

Full circle jerk. Several years ago, my mom had a recheck dentist appointment, and I agreed to ride along. We both assumed it would be a relatively quick appointment, and I love how they agreed upon that. You think it's going to be quick, right? Of course it was. All right. There's no way this recheck's going to be long. Yeah, you're right.

Shake. Deal. They spit on this. Pinky swear? Pinky promise? Yeah, no, I'm in. Taking bets. They're like taking a knife

and cut their blood. Do the blood bond. Yeah. Blood brother bond. No, totally in. Ready? Now I have syphilis or hepatitis.

And AIDS. And I stayed behind in the car to play on my phone. But with time was going by and at this point my mom had been in the office for 45 minutes I was feeling a horrible urge to poop

But didn't want to go into the doctor's office And use their bathroom Because I knew two things It was going to be loud And very very stinky I know that game I mean I was getting the poop sweats really bad And squirming in the car seat

Trying to hold the poop in I was getting to the point of desperation And in my mind there was only one thing i could do to remedy the situation in the back seat of the car which was a minivan i saw a lunch bag looking thing like the soft-sided fabric kind that you would uh take to school or work i know it i was uh it was long forgotten about and it had no food in it though i was scared my mom would walk out at any moment, I crawled into the back seat, took whatever was in the lunch bag, dropped my pants, and shit in it. I was correct. It was loud and it smelled like death.

Oh, yeah. Shit, there goes the hat. Fucking hat's off again. Then I had a bag of hot shit to deal with. But at least I could think clear Oh I know that feeling where you can just like Okay that part's out of the way Now I can deal with this

That's exactly what I was thinking in my situation How was the dentist? Great Until I deal with this hot bag of shit What? Don't worry about it Would you rather be in that situation or be in the dentist? Or watch a dog get hit by a car?

Yeah. Zach? Not the dog. You're shitting and then you see the dog get hit by the car? Oh, man. Never came so hard in my life. I don't remember where I am. You cried.

Drop the pants. Hot bag of shit to deal with, but at least I could think clearer. Ah, there it is. There. I couldn't keep it in the van much longer due to the smell, so I searched around for where I could get rid of it. There were no garbage cans around, but there was nobody around either. The parking lot was now empty because by now it was the end of the day.

What the fuck's my mom still doing in the dentist? Probably blowing the dentist. Boom. I added that. Checking out those fillings. Filling the fillings. Getting filled, am I right? You are right.

There were bushes in the front and all along the side of the building. Hoping there were no security cameras rolling, I took the bag of shit and casually walked to the side of the building and placed the lunch bag and the shit in some bushes. Mom never questioned where that lunch bag was that I know of.

I've never told anyone the story before. I drive past that dentist's office several times a week on to work and often wonder who found the bag and what their reaction was. Did they find it because it was a hot day and the premises smelled like roasting poop in a bag? We'll never know. You're looking for an apple? Keep up the great work. I absolutely love your podcast.

Anonymous. That's's funny that's good stuff but i know that feeling of like oh you have to poop so bad and then you're like you're as terrified what do i do and then you shit it and that worry of what am i gonna do like shitting it shit in it's like it's gone worst case scenario i can move on i can deal with this next part now because i can think i didn't shit my pants. Right. In that relief. That was the main thing.

Everything else after that's easy. I mean, sprinting, not a lot of things compared to that relief. When you were able to find a toilet when you really have to go. And you're just like. You don't even care how big of a mess it is. Yeah. You don't even care. I could shit all over everything, but I'm in a place that I can at least clean up.

At least I'm around people that know me. Yeah. At least, I mean, I pushed one kid off a toilet. How mean, how bad is that? Oh, we went in the toilet? Yeah. Oh, my bad. I shit on some kid.

Well, still, who cares? Relief. Now you got gotta deal with that But at least you didn't shit your pants You get it It's true Yeah Someone went through

And I'm just I feel I picture the worst Situation Like some homeless fella And he's like What A lunch bag

What's this doing here Couple of chickens in there He's got the He's got the happy fingers Like let's take a peek Let's take a look here. Take a little look-see. A little tongue thing. He's dancing

over. He's like, ooh, lucky day. He just opens up a bag of chili. Fuck. He's like, whoop. Eats it. Come on. Kidding. I was kidding! I mean, how desperate would you be? How bad do you want it? How desperate would you be? How many days have you gone without eating?

Beggars can't be choosers. Sometimes you get a sandwich. Sometimes you get a lunch bag of diarrhea. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? That's what life's about. That's what I always do. Oh, yeah.

All right. Well, let's move on. Take a look at some good news for this week. Thanks, everybody, for sending the confessions. Had a lot of fun. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah can't even imagine i processing this impact he clearly knew the impact he was making to get to the mark that he did but check this out australia's man with a golden arm retires after saving 2.4 million babies i picked and then when i first read that headline

i pictured other situations trying to save 2.4 million babies like of anything like an apartment apartment complex is on fire and you're a firefighter there's 2.4 million babies like of anything like an apartment complex is on fire and you're a firefighter and there's 2.4 million babies inside and you're like this is exhausting yeah and not all and you're done yeah not all 2.4 is gonna be safe and they're all crying and you're running in there like fucking i think i've saved enough babies right like i just saved the cute babies i've saved i've saved 600 babies can you imagine going in there and it's like an ugly kid and you're like, no, I'm moving on to the next one. Sorry, genetic lottery. Bye.

I don't like your nose. Grab his friend next to him. See a baby. But 2.4 million babies. So James Harrison, an Australian man whose blood contains a rare antibody that can create a treatment that saves baby lives has donated plasma one last time james harris so he is a hall of fame linebacker and saves 2.4 and magic blood 81 years of age he's now over the age limit for donors seeing this i was reading that yo look this goes back to me getting a ticket fucking texting and driving right can it or like this guy he has saved 2.4 million babies and he walks up to the blood donation place

and they sorry sorry mr harrison too old well it looks like it looks like you're 81 a bunch of babies are gonna die like what a weird requirement to hold him to he's got special blood let's roll it baby you know what though like why is there an age limit on life-saving blood can you test the blood when his blood stops saving babies let's cut him off but don't cut it off at 81 just because he's 81 i like it that it's an arbitrary day it's like the day before he's like you're great man we love you next day get the fuck out they have a baby counter and like it's a graph and then he hits 81 the graph is gonna go right back down of how many babies he saved like by the time he passes away he maybe is gonna like could have saved 2.4 million babies it's just gonna

be a wash because they cut him off right yeah and they can predict that so the uh australian red cross blood service let him donate one last time on friday one last stupid i hate i hate i guess hey i fucking hate people like you, you, fuck, it's ridiculous. You know what, though? So dumb. I'm getting a weird feeling here. What is it? That, because you can make money from donating plasma, right?

Oh, he's loaded? Yeah. His retirement plan was saving babies? No, his retirement plan wasn't saving people. He just- That was the byproduct? Yeah. He was just donating plasma to make money

and realize he has a rare thing so he get paid extra oh shit and he just the benefit of doing that was saving babies he comes over and he's like he's like sorry increase my rates and slides like an invoice over to the red cross like pressure's on you yeah how many babies you want to do you want babies to live or die it's gonna be six thousand dollars please that's smart move if you if you pulled that off well 50 bucks times 2.4 million babies he's doing all right right damn is that how much it costs 50 bucks per baby i don't know how much for plasma how much you get just remind you of a six-grade math equation i remember uh i remember in college dude i remember in college some kids going down the thing and donating plasma so they could buy beer. Or get drunk faster.

Yeah, well, yeah. No, but it was like they would make money so then they could go buy alcohol. So, like, I don't know how much they got paid. I've never done it, so I don't know how much you get. But if he's got special blood, maybe he's getting a hundred times each. So, how much money is that? He's probably got a Tesla. Oh, yeah?'s got the he's got the plaid though it seems from the article seems like a very nice nice guy like he really is um but picturing him being all cocky walking up like

hey sarah like doing like hey mr harrison's wearing a suit. He's got a gold cane. Mr. Special Blood. Walking up to save some more babies. Talking shit to everyone else. Yeah, red carpet they roll out as he walks up. What's your blood like? What's your number? Yeah, what's your number?

Really? Oh, dude, that sucks. How many babies have you saved? Shit. Oh, shit, you lost one? Oh, you haven't lost one oh you haven't yeah it's like you're like oh no you haven't saved a single one huh crazy i've saved 2.3 million yeah i'm about to go head in here one last time yeah i got one more time yeah have you

seen my name you probably saw my name on the wall the bus has a picture of him on it it's like now you probably see me on the bus he's touching it like this is me yeah you see my bank account what's that building's named after him yeah it is the whatever james harrison james harrison blood center he's like you might have heard of me that's my fucking name right there anyway they come out and pick him up and carry him in sucks you can't save babies bye i just picture him like he looks like the guy from drastic park with his little cane yeah and he's got like a bait a fetus inside of uh right inside of the sap a gold fetus i find a way but he's like walking around and he's like tapping on he's like tapping on little kids you'll get there someday and there's little baby fetus in there he's like keep it up maybe you'll have special blood sometime and

people will care about you anyway i gotta go save some more babies. I haven't worked in 50 years. Okay, well let's move on. You found something this week? Somebody found it for us. Oh, okay. Well, let's take a look at it. Zack! Either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes!

That's awesome! All right. What is it? Let me, uh, I'm trying to blow this thing up in case Zach wants to put it on the screen. Zach will put it on the screen. Put it on the board! Yes! Let's take a look.

No. I don't like to be told what to do. You just like to be yelled what to do. Yeah, that has to be yelled at. It's a certain decimal level. There it is. Who sent this in? Where did it go?

God damn it! I had it, but then I had to... This is a cool idea. I mean, it's going to smell bad. Anyway. Yeah. This was sent. I don't know if this is real or not. Might be.

But it was just, it was like, it just looks so awesome. I like the practicality of it because it kind of looks good on paper. It does. It does. But. It's called a portable urinal for your office uh to help them get more work done throughout the day what is happening okay we gotta get one and try it get a little plant urinal yeah so it's basically like if anybody it's like a an oil um oh like a funnel

like a funnel it's basically a funnel like a go girl they have for girls to go pee and stuff but they you put it in the plant and you just go walk over to turn around to your plant and piss in the plant get back to work there's a picture of a guy he's he's on the phone and he's holding the plant down by his cacchio region that's right just just pissing in it yeah bye you tell johnson sell sell sell you tell johnson he can put his fucking something where the sun don't shine yeah y'all you heard me his he can put his fucking something where the sun don't shine yeah yo you heard me his documents yeah put his put his important documents what do people say in offices i think it's something like that you go ahead and put those documents where the sun don't shine

yeah yeah it's like a because i'm gonna be out i'm taking the kids to uh out in the lake this weekend i ain't staying in late close the dale the deal. Close it because I'm taking off this weekend. So get this deal done. I'm finished taking this piss in a plant. The smell. The smell of that piss. You're in trouble if they find out what you're doing. I get it. But the dribble too.

I mean, I guess it could be real. You are watering your plants. You're not wasting pee. But the smell alone. Unless that whole thing is made out of some sort of a breeze type of infused plastic. Maybe as soon as the liquid hits it. It releases. Yeah, that'd be a good idea.

I don't know. That has to exist, right? That's the next step. I don't know. It's a funny concept, though. Whatever one of you kids sent it in, it made us giggle, so thank you very much. Yeah, I'm sorry I forgot who it was. I didn't put it in there.

That's fine. I thought I did. It's fine, okay? They know. They know in their hearts they're the ones that sent it in. Yeah, but they want to hear their name. I don't know. Keep looking.

Maybe we'll find it. Probably not. We probably pulled it out. I'm sure I could, but... It didn't. It happens. Okay, let's hear from... Actually, we have one email this week, but it's a doozy.

Zach, would you do the thing? All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Love this email. It's actually one of the babysitters, Ellie. Who sent this one in.

I like Ellie as a name. Yeah yeah it's a cute little name she says hey zaddies i was listening to enter whatever the fuck the name of the episode was here because i'm too lazy to look it up that's fair hard to remember remember those when joe talked about slowly stealing random inconsequential items from the communal area in his apartment and that reminded me of a really odd hobby my dad and i had when i was a kid that's just the fact you hear that you're like memories you know it's gonna be good takes me to a place oh geez so back in the 90s kaufman and well i, it's Broad. If you aren't familiar somehow with this real estate mogul, it's pronounced Broad, like road. Oh, sorry.

Broad. Broad, not broad, with a B. Like the lady, even though it's exactly how it's spelled. Perfect. Fucking anyway, so Kaufman and Broad was really big on throwing up residential cookie cutter housing neighborhoods all over the place. There was like a new one every other weekend. Little boxes.

On the hillside. Other than throwing up cheap houses fast, they were also known for their showroom. Just put in that mocky font. Model homes. They'd have one model for each style house all squished up right next to each other at the entrance of these neighborhoods right by the front office and these houses were always decked out in the best 90s home fashion any college dropout could muster so anyway my dad and i one day decided we go see what all the hullabaloo was over what these houses were all about as it turns out not only were these decorations pretty tacky like feather boas cascading down mirrors and bedrooms books no one

has ever read knickknacks that had no rhyme or reason to them but they are also almost always glued down to whatever surface they were attached to and she goes well almost and so the game began my dad and i decided we'd each try to find something from every model home that wasn't glued down so we could collect it okay steal and if we couldn't find one well we try to displace something from where it was affixed and re-home is uh we'll just re-home it so to say this eventually evolved into also creating pretend identities jobs and even taking on fake probably atrocious accents at every new location we went to we eventually assumed uh amassed quite the collection. This game was to

try to make it out of the house, pass the front office with the wildest item. The best part was we didn't keep any of the trinkets. Oh no, we would move them from one neighborhood model home to a completely different neighborhood. It's amazing. I like to think it really messed up with some, I'd like to

think it really messed with some poor employees and their head if they ever swapped work sites like fuck i thought i thought i saw that fucking feather boa at the other model home or at least i had some cool wild west type wanted poster up in their office warning to not let us on the property again anyway that's my story hope you like it p.s my works leads first name is brian and i've started calling him brian super obnoxiously and he has no idea why but the raddest part is it's catching on and how other folks are doing it too and they don't even know why they're doing it so that's pretty cool so big gulps huh well

see you later well see you later ellie love that oh what a fun brian you don't even know why they're doing it why it's a it's a fun one to say um i think it's that's really funny and what also is kind of funny about it is some of those things are just so generic they probably don't even remember they bought them so they're probably not thinking hey where's that boa that i bought because they're just like they sent someone down to buy some shit let's put it in the house i just love the concept of gluing it down and then why did you have to glue it down? So Ellie and her dad weren't the first ones. Right.

That walked in there like, that's a sick box. Like, fuck, that's a sweet coffee table. Yeah, it's like when you see like, do not eat on the side of Tide Pods or whatever. It's like, obviously you shouldn't eat it, but they have to put it on there. They're like, I mean, we don't have, they're in the meeting. We don't have to write it on there, right? It's like, nah, we'll save the ink. One week later, fucking lawsuit. Should week later fucking lawsuit should have done that should have done

that yeah like when you go to bars and the pictures are all screwed into the wall i'm like who the fuck is taking pictures they are i just saw a video ironically just earlier today of uh this this couple that went to a cracker barrel and then put their photo up with the decorations. Waiting for no one to be looking. They went over above the fireplace mantle and put their own Western photo up there. Oh, like the old one they dressed up as.

I hope it lasts forever. Oh, that's great. I saw somebody do that at McDonald's with their senior photos, those giant photos. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it was in there for like a year or something. Were they just hanging it on the wall? Yeah, they ended up just hanging a giant photo

of themselves on the wall for a year. That's incredible. Who's that? I don't know. Yeah, they're like, I don't know. It's been there the whole time I've worked here. Do you think he owns the place? Yeah, is that Mr. McDonald?

I don't know. It doesn't seem old enough. Oh, well, I love you guys. Man, that was a fucking wild one year. It was. Wild trip around the old sun for us. And here we are. Thank you to everybody listening to the show.

And of course, thanks to you that support us on Patreon. Do sign up or at least consider it. Head on over there and check out the perks. There's three different options for you at patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. A lot of bonus content in there, just like the back end of every episode. We keep going. So if you support us on there, you get to hear that stuff. We've been talking about doing some stuff too.

Like once we reach some milestones, like doing some... Joe threw out getting like nipples pierced and stuff. Yeah. And I don't know if I'm down with that, but. You would be if everyone's got a price. Yeah. We'll see. 15 bucks.

I'll pay you 15 bucks to go get your nipples pierced. No. No? No. Maybe if we reach. Too rich for my blood. If we reach 500 patrons, maybe I'll go get my. Get your nipples pierced?

Nipples pierced. I'll get my butt cheeks pierced together. Ooh. At 500. I think I'd rather do that. What? Yeah. What a nightmare. Well, nipples pierced? I'll get my butt cheeks pierced together. Ooh. At 500. I think I'd rather do that. What? Yeah. What a nightmare.

Well, nipples. Mr. Poop over here. You need to be paper shredding your shit with the pierced together butt cheeks. I'll get one of those plant urinal things, but for butts. Yeah. Nice. It's manure. Yeah, you just got to have a bigger funnel.

It's going to be great. You have the best office. I can't wait to go to Brian's office. Why? It smells so good. His plants are covered in shit and he pisses in them. Oh, cool. So support us.

Gets a lot of work done, though. It does. Yeah, man. So productive. So productive. And his flowers are booming. Blossoming. Manila.

If you have something you want to see on the show, you can send that in to heyguys at canyounowpodcast.com and rate and review us. Hey, Mr. Uncle Zach. Yes, sir. Thank you. My pleasure, man. Thank you for doing what you do, producing today's show. Happy to be here. And of course, Zach is a busy Sasquatch.

He does a ton of podcasts, and you can check them all out at scatcast.com. Scatcast.com. Yay. And you guys also have a lot of, like, there's a lot of fun on Facebook, too. Yeah. So head on, yeah, go get all wrapped up in the Scatcast universe. I mean, I don't even know. Do you even understand what's happening in there?

No. Yeah. You think you're mapping it out, but you're like, I don't fucking know. No. The Scatverse? Yeah. Too many stories. Too much.

A lot of shit going on. Lots of shit in Patreon, just for the record. And thanks to all the babysitters who run our Facebook page. It's just getting more and more fun in there. And that's it, man. That's our one-year episode. You found something to do the end, right? I did.

All right, let's fucking do the end then. All right. Okay. Zach? Do it then. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Do everything you want to do.

Yeah, let's do everything that you want to do. Okay. But I'm going to do what I want to do right now because I'm going to read it. Yes, you are. My friend was showing me this tool shed and he pointed to a ladder. Okay. He said, that's my step ladder, he said. I've never knew my real ladder.

Gosh dang, man. Yeah! I get it. Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. That's all right. Oh, yeah. I never knew my real ladder.

Boom, boom, ba-doom. My stepladder knows the porn I watch, though. My stepladder doesn't beat me. Not even when I'm looking at titties. He just winks at me while I'm jerking off. Yeah. He just winks at me and says, only boobs. Could you imagine that?

You're like rubbing one out. He opens the door. He winks at you. Nice. I get it. I get it, man. You winning, son? Like that whole meme when you're playing rubbing one out he opens the door he wings that yeah nice i get it i get it man you winning son like that whole meme when you're playing video games you winning you getting them good son that's actually an old family joke i have an uncle back when he's a skateboard and

i mean we still say it because he just happened to be around the whole family and i was like talking about going to the skate park and he walks up totally serious and he's a great guy but he's just trying to relate knowing nothing about he goes yeah he goes did you do a trick and I'm sitting I'm just like yeah no dad did a lot of tricks he's like cool cool I'm just like fucking what like and then and then my dad is like, what? Like everyone just kind of appreciated the effort. Did you do a trick? Yeah, a bunch of them. Did a bunch of them.

Uncle Doug, a lot of tricks. He's doing one marijuana. Did you do a marijuana? It was like hands on the hip. You do a trick? Yeah, with the pelvis poked out a little bit. Just like trying to, you know, get in there. You don't see each other enough.

I got to. This guy likes skateboarding. A little noogie. That tricks, right? Is that a noogie or a noogie? Both. One's a candy bar, I think. I think it's a noogie.

It's a noogie. Well, would you say I did it all for the nookie? The end of. Did it all for Nookie Thompson? He's probably a good guy. Great guy. guy great guy gangster okay let's keep talking for those on patreon kids we love you guys again thank you so much one year it feels amazing and here's to thanks for sticking around many more years sexy honk uh yeah or something well i was yeah fuck you threw me off. I was going to... What were you going to do? I was just going to go... Mine! That's good enough.

All right. Ah! i found a funny article i want to bring your way you ready for it wait are we live yeah we're recording right now oh shit no really i thought we were just fucking around until we were starting no way no that's how the show is this is it this is. This is the bonus part, man. Oh, shit. Welcome. Glad I didn't say anything stupid. Then we would have restarted. Oh. But this man, just picturing this poor fella. So a sleeping man dreamed someone broke into his house, and then he fired at the intruder

and the intruder and just shot himself. What? He shot himself? Gotcha! Gotcha! He's like, hey me! It's me again.

He'd never aimed a gun in his life. He has it backwards like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I got this. Like, Elmer Fudd, what's his name?

You would bend the barrel backwards. Wild. Hey me! That's all I have. He's like Elmer Fudd doing Dave Mustaine. Oh, hey me that's all i have he's like elmer fudd doing uh dave mustaine hey me oh it's me again

suffering a 62 year old man is facing a firearms charge in illinois after authorities say he accidentally shot himself in the leg in his sleep while dreaming that he was defending himself against an intruder man whoops the man they even give his name david neal no no the man identified as mark dakara uh used a 357 magnum revolver that he owned that's a big gun to fire the shot around 9 50 p.m they know the exact time because it was a 357 magnum it was 357 in the morning and the neighbors the neighbors are like what the fuck was that yeah the scientist there was a small earthquake in this guy's bedroom according to the lake county sheriff deputies on the night of the incident

dakar dreamed someone was breaking into his home retrieved the gun to shoot at whoever it was and just shot himself in the leg that's terrifying i know like to think that you would just you have the sleepwalking capability to grab a gun and shoot yourself and i love that he got charged like you got a firearms charge and it's probably like uh uh what do they call it something a firearm uh possession no like when you actually use it discharge discharge yeah uh on honor honorably discharged yeah um shot himself in the leg but um stuck in the mattress too my wife is a sleepwalker i can imagine her doing that i'm gonna hide the killing you yeah i didn't know i was doing no i was sleeping who was the last time i listened you're snoring

you son of a bitch what was that one that olympian that didn't win his case was he in That's the last time I listened to your snoring, you son of a bitch. What was that one, that Olympian that didn't win his case? Was he in Italy? The guy with no legs? Yeah. And he shot his wife in the bathroom and claimed he thought it was an intruder. Whoa. Don't you remember all that? When was it?

This year? No, a few years ago. Yeah. I think we're just old. I think it was way older than a few years ago. Okay. I think it was like 15 Olympics ago. It was Lieutenant Dan, actually.

Yeah. So when did Forrest Gump come out? Oscar but that is yeah that is a little little scary uh it was later determined that the round discharged from his gun went through his leg and locked itself in his bedding so fucking now he's got to get new sheets that's annoying he had 300 thread count unless he's uh bulletproof sheets unless he's in the ku klux klan yeah. Unless he's... Bulletproof sheets would have been fucking helpful. Unless he's in the Ku Klux Klan. Yeah, right. Now he's got an extra eye hole.

Right. It's a save some time. It's where his dick goes. He has one... Can you imagine? Just a one eye? No, okay. A Ku Klux Klan guy.

I mean, picture just the worst one. And he had a little hat. And he has one normal cut one. And then one that was made with a bullet. All wonky eyed. They're like, Dave, just cut out the other hole. Just put a patch over it. I'm not spending time.

He puts an eye patch over it. A bandaid over it. It becomes like a fashion thing for business planners. Yeah, they're like, oh man, is that cool to do? Got to have one eye hole with the gunshot. I've always wanted to be racist and a pirate. I mean, everyone knows we're doing the coolest things. So, this is pirate.

Let's do it. This is cool stuff. On the edge of cool. Oh, man. On the edge of 18? Or is that on this one? So, obviously, they're investigating it. Authorities realize the car owned and used a revolver despite not having a firearm owner's identification card which is mandatory in order to legally possess the gun could you imagine if you like ordered pizza and

then just dozed off yeah some guy actually shows up and he just wakes up and shoots the guy but he's sleeping it's probably happened i mean even getting in trouble which is still pretty funny darkly funny to when someone does something and hurts themselves and then gets in trouble which is still pretty funny darkly funny to when someone does something and hurts themselves and then gets in trouble for it there's always a like a layer of comedy oh yeah for me like it's just always something like there's one story that i've almost brought onto the show several times but i've just seen it in so many places i haven't done it where there were two people and i want to say it was portland but they both were in stolen vehicles and they got in a car accident and then they both got caught in there because they're on drugs yeah

and in stolen vehicles yeah well we did that story the guy that showed up to court in a stolen car yeah and then yeah fucked himself over uh but yeah i just visualized like shit i'm losing it oh no no it's fading away But yeah, I just visualized like shit. I'm losing it. Oh no, no Just watching the funny Wait was that it what I don't know Was that everybody not me that wasn't a lip pop yeah i wasn't that was a i wasn't chewing anything but that is my chair though oh yeah that is your chair uh that's in every podcast every podcast has this little yeah as a thing yeah someone was there wrote in laughing so hard about it that episode because they were wondering what the

fuck it was then we finally like what like he didn't know if it was his shit he like deleted the episode and redownloaded it because i didn't know if it was like the fuck it was. Then we finally, like, what? Like, he didn't know if it was his shit. He, like, deleted the episode and re-downloaded it because he didn't know if it was, like, a glitch. It was just your fucking stool. Well, maybe if we had more patrons, we could afford new chairs. And our nipples pierced. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy.

Zach, you have to do it, too? Do I? No. No. You do the piercing. Yes. This is going to be great. This is awesome.

Okay. I want more things where I get to hurt you guys. That's what I signed up for. Cool. in anything pierced i'm there prince prince albert let's do it never had one pierce the veil it would hurt that bad oh god i don't think so oh really for whatever reason is that the tip of the penis without the balls that's like the all the way through like through the shaft i think but towards bottom, they can't go through the important parts, right? I think they do. The thorax.

We talked about this on our show one time. The fuselage. Yeah. Can't damage the fuselage. You can't land on the moon. Center views. Yeah, exactly. Mess up the rotary girder.

Yeah, I don't know. I've never spent a lot of time around Prince Albert's, apparently. It's a lovely place in Canada, to be honest. Great. Yeah. Prince is beautiful this time of year. Yeah. Lots of caribou. Piercing views.

Yeah. Well, sorry, you have to keep thinking. It was something about doing something stupid and getting caught. Yeah. Like, you're just doing something stupid and getting caught. But you did it. You did it. I did it?

The person did it. Yeah. And they just got caught. I have an article. Oh, I just thought of it what like could you imagine you're doing you're driving your car and i'm not sure the scenario because i'm making this up on the spot but like you get out of the car to you do something illegal or what like you get out of the car but you leave it in neutral it rolls over you and you get some

sort of a driving reckless driving ticket ticket or like yeah you like you get charged reckless driving for running over yourself where you're like yeah you run over yourself like you got out to do something in a car rolled over your legs right and now you're in a wheelchair but you also have reckless driving but you're also in jail i in the jail wheelchairs are shit yeah there's no ramps anywhere it's all stairs no cool jumps um but and i don't remember the exact percentage, but people that get in trouble for driving under the influence, whether it's drugs or alcohol, so many of them, it has nothing to do with how they're driving.

It's because their taillight's out. They're blinkered. They didn't use their blinker. It's like shit that has, their headlight was out. They're driving amazing. It just went out. They're the best meth driver that's ever methed and then drove and then their fucking brake light was out and that's how that's how they get you um is that what happened

to you joe yeah that were you trying to say yeah that's exactly how i got in trouble yeah my brake light was out and there's like whoa he's also texting yeah um okay so here segue i have a very similar story that goes with the first one but uh also funny a worker who helped a mini mart boss use the cctv cameras allegedly caught stealing by the same security system yes that's what's up i love that you're just like oh no i got no problem i help you out here the owner of two mini marts who had installed see is your microphone on out there zach yeah okay it's echoing a little bit the owner of two mini marts who had installed cctv security cameras to deter and catch shoplifters has instead caught two employees allegedly pocketing money from customers one of them had even taught him how

to use the cctv cameras to detect shoplifting or shoplifter cases uh police confirmed the reports man that's so ridiculous do you think that he had this like little conversation with himself he's like you know how dumb i think this guy is i'm gonna show him how to use his cameras and then i'm gonna steal some shit that and i'm not gonna be hilarious and i'm not gonna get caught zero respect no respect just nothing hey good no respect uh hey hey take my wife for example please take her that's pretty good uh yeah but anyway i just thought that that was funny singing to a rug never been in that situation helping somebody catch you yeah i'm sure there's more oh god like

not even not even with that like i feel like there's a like a deep piece of information in my brain that has to do with the serial killer we're like he stopped to do something like to help and then when he did that he fucking framed a head rolled out of his car yeah that does sound right he's like he's like well i don't have a i don't have a head of lettuce but i have a head is this the head you're looking for you slide whistle i don't have any head in life uh but man just like i don't know you're doing it all wrong sir what you got to do is you got to rewind it. He's rewind it to exactly where he's there stealing a candy bar.

Let me give you a hand. And you like give him a hand that he cut off from the body. Just have it all gag gifts. Yeah. He's like, I don't know anything about that head. But he's like, no, that's crazy about the head. Right. But did you know I have this many handkerchiefs?

Pulling them out of his shirt. His ear. Like, God damn, dude. Oh, man. Pulling them out of his shirt. Out of his ear. I'm like, God damn, dude. Oh, man. Pulling the dead body intestine out of your ears. Look how much this is

behind your ear. 30 footer. Look at this. Look what I found behind your ear. It's another ear. Of somebody that's not here?

Yeah. You're like, whoa, cool. I just pictured the ice truck killer from Dexter. He's got all the, they're all drained of blood and they're all pristine. He took care of the body.

I mean, if you're going to be, if you're going to hang on to some body parts, you might as well. Treat them with some respect. Yeah. Dead bodies give no respect. You got to take care of your possessions, you know? Yeah. You don't have to be all willy nilly with some dead bodies. It's like a hoarder of dead bodies he's on the episode of hoarders they walk in let's take a look at this just dead body end of the episode this is the third scariest one we've

ever seen yeah like man i don't even no one even mentions that they're dead bodies like guys tension here alone as that's the thing it always smells bad did you guys ever talk about the lady that hoarded poop jars and then ate the poop well it's so hot they took her out they're like you got to leave here and she'd been in there like 20 years eating poop and she's like okay just one more one more time eating poop and then i'll go let me just have just till i have one more just one more one more that's what it was one more little nug a little bit. And wash it down with some mattress. Oh, that's terrible.

Gosh dang, man. And marbles. I mean, no matter how bad things get, at least you're not in your room for 20 years eating shit, you know? You know what I mean? My dad always used to say. I don't know. But going back, just like on the whole one year kind of memory lane you talking about we're talking about the magician and of course we have talked about the magician funeral but one

thing i always think about and i like turning it into a skit is like the magician that doesn't he doesn't know when to stop like he's on a date you know and it's all that kind of just and just and everyone's so fed up with this shit like he goes and you have the steak sir he's like do i and the waiter looks down like all the food's gone i'm like god we gotta make that skit come on he's like pulling tips from the waiter yeah he's like actually stealing from the guy yeah here's here's my card he reaches for it it disappears and he has like everyone else's cards like in the whole fucking restaurant. He's whipping them out from behind it Yes, and then he makes them all go away. Guess it's free But yeah, even on a date or just with the wife, it's just so fed up. Like can you stop?

It's one thing for this to be your career, but like don't take your home Yeah, don't bring your homework with you And like he's trying to do better, he's like always sweating he always has it yeah yeah he can't he can hand me that ketchup and he's just like starts pouring sweat he has some cool move he wants to do what ketchup i wish we had some ketchup yeah don't say it don't say it i love it the camera shot would be behind the guy so i was like wish we had some ketchup he's like this and then it shows his face he's like doesn. And then it shows his face. He's like, doesn't want to do it. But back here, there's like ketchup mustard. All the things are like.

In his sleeve. Yeah. It's like, don't do it. Don't do it. And he's like. God. Squeak. He shoots it out of his fingertips.

He's got one of those. It's all night with this guy. Smoke bomb. Fire alarms going off. I don't know. I guess I always think about that. I mean, it's funny because Joe Bluth was basically that where he'd just be trying to random situation and he'd be like or is it and then the lighter fluid hit him where'd the lighter fluid come from

that guy yeah that's the guy i got a question for you guys what what's your favorite episode you guys have done this year so far and why oh it's about the ones we didn't do zach okay there was that month those were the best ones i mean you can't good times you can't make anybody mad when you don't do the show that's what i've always learned there uh a couple i want to say around a couple months ago, we recorded a few there back to back and it seemed like we were like cry laughing. I don't remember what the, what we were talking about. Me either.

The subject matter, but I remember being like, oh my God. And it was that, that point. I mean, I feel like, I feel like we're kind of hitting a stride here where we know each other enough. We know each other likes and doesn't like and then i usually don't care and go off on some tangent anyway but now there's some that yeah some that pop up uh not as the funniest like episode but just like funny moments i mean obviously had a lot of fun with the hot air balloon i remember the dad van thing was was a little ridiculous

and funny i carried out for a long time. Had no idea that so many people's dead family members go into minivans. Yeah. And we were laughing about that. I was slamming my dad in, but not taking the time to put the seat all the way down. It's like the respect there. Some pogo stick guy in Florida. I remember laughing really hard about that.

I don't even know the whole context. The fingerless glove. Unicycle guy. Logo stick guy in Florida. I remember laughing really hard about that. I don't even know the whole context. The, the fingerless glove. Unicycle guy. Yeah. The unicycle guy, the origin, the origin of the,

the, the knuckles. Oh yeah. But also the, the riding, riding the horse, like the first guy to ride a horse, that concept is still really funny to me.

Yeah. Who just decided like, I'm just going to ride that thing. I wish I would have seen that episode. I want to get on it. Tracking it down. like you're just two guys sitting there like drunk i'm gonna go get on that horse yeah he's like that's a good idea they try they try to bear first yeah dolphin they're like too wet but look how big that horse's back is i feel like you know like it's perfect what are you gonna hold on to i'll figure it out he's got a mohawk yeah yeah i'll just grab his mohawk duh and then he's got a mohawk on his head and his butt yeah he's got two mohawks yeah you

got two mohawks get it uh it's uh two hawks i mean there's tons of tons of would you rather every time emails come in they remind us of these different moments we're like oh yeah fuck that was really funny i usually forget by the next week you have to remind me that we talked about it i know it's got a little when elon figures out the brain chip thing it's going to help out a lot i think so instead of it's like we were talking about pick your favorite metal singer it's hard for me to do that it's hard for me to do that because it's you know know, I listen to so much different stuff. Just like this show, we talk about so many things.

It's hard to pick one, but there's just, it's getting, I think for me, it's like getting to talk about things I wouldn't normally get to talk about. Or that, like, that I want to talk about, but I don't know how to make a video about it or whatever. But like, this would be a funny conversation just to tackle this because i don't hear anybody else talking about it and the idea of like having to whack your kid with a baseball bat when they're coming out to hug you from school look dad like you never get to talk about something like that and so it's fun to explore how many toddlers can you can you kill yeah how many in a day we had to hit a quota you don't get to talk about it but you really really want to like you think about it every exactly those are thoughts of like just weird dark thoughts that will pop into my brain but it's only for me because it's like my wife's not going to want to

hear about this but i know i can bring it to the show and all of a sudden be in the right environment yeah and there's some people out there with some twisted brains that would enjoy hearing about it. I mean, maybe we should do a little I mean, maybe we could just do it. Make a post in Patreon and just ask people what has been your top three or whatever. Are we going to do one of those sitcom episodes where it's like

they say something and they go, oh, that reminds me, and then it cuts to like... The Talking Dead? No, then it cuts to episodes of the show. The clip show. Yeah, the clip shows the clip shows oh reminds me the time that urkel said yeah did i do that fake laugh girl we gotta have a fake laugh track that'd be rad i have it i mean we did that in the trailer the whole time the whole show every time you guys do anything well so we put that in the trailer and there were people like oh god this isn't gonna be part of the show is it yeah they were not because i think it's one of the things that's funny for a while it's or like maybe for a couple minute video or you know like a thing but

for an hour and a half i did a i did a gunner halifax which is my little sci-fi show we turned it into a sitcom for a second exactly what you said it's like wow this is annoying as fuck right even if you mix it real low you're like even more annoying yeah it is like joking about or the idea of it's funnier than the actual it is end result yep yep hell yeah and on that like kind of like the show we were talking about doing a show we probably should have just not not done it because a lot of bad stuff happened yeah we should have just canceled the whole fucking thing you know what i mean can you shouldn't there we uh yeah can you don't do any more episodes yeah i mean there was a there was a time in there like uh you know when joe lost his dad i was like oof and then we're like we're trying to get wade through that whole thing and then my dad dies it's like you can't like you

can't make up that money that many negative things happening. In one stretch. Yeah. Hospital. Yeah. This show shouldn't have happened. Yeah, well, wasn't going to just give up. Kind of shows what you guys are made out of, so that's good.

Yeah. That's a compliment, I swear. Mostly stardust and water. I'm starstuff, bitches. Yeah. I forget about that, too, with everything else like no like i was in the fucking emergency room with heart shit that was all part of the same two weeks we were joking about that little little and without knowing that in a little bit i would get the

worst call ever never you know there's a fucking rough joking about you dying god's like guess what motherfucker yeah got something worse for you hey check this out hold my beer imagine jesus saying hold my beer you're like oh no who was your first friend that told you a dead dad joke did anybody do that my mom died and one of my best friends literally at the funeral that reminds me dead mom jokes and it helped me it made me feel better yeah we did that with each other but i you have to have a special uh sense of humor i think to to not to hear that and not want to get upset yeah for sure like they have to be a real close friend too yeah yeah i have to know where their heart is and stuff yeah because you know like we've talked about joe

and i've talked about this plenty of times like you can make anything funny like someone dying is not funny but maybe the way they died is funny and it's like i'm not laughing that like if they those people would have died in the hot air balloon that we were talking about it's not funny that they died but it is funny that we just talked about how unsafe it was yeah how unsafe like i would never do this because you put all these materials together you're bound to have a fire but yet there's a business right built on that exact thing and then someone dies from and you're like well yeah yeah i mean a bunch of flammable material the wicker basket should have probably thrown you a fucking right all right yeah no one made those jokes either i wasn't even ready really

like as much as twisted as my brain was i wasn't quite ready to make jokes fair yeah i was sorry i brought it up i was the only one making jokes about my dad yeah but you had time to prepare the jokes you knew like no yeah you had your material was written over the last year yeah last summer i was like fuck this, this is going to be hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. Like, by the time I'm done writing jokes about this. If I ever start my own podcast, oh, man, this is going to be, I'm going to lead with this.

Just showing up like, being like, dad, wish you could stick around and see how funny this is going to be. I mean, obviously, you can never prepare yourself to lose a parent. But in the way with your daddy, daddy like you knew this was going to happen it's just a matter of time so you gave your you had time to sort of cope with it yeah kind of i mean it was fucking sad watch them turn into nothing oh yeah for sure and it's like oh like you're like your little like your first superhero and i think about that all the time like what i rather piece of paper what would i rather have like someone someone dying like unexpectedly when they have so much to do or to watch that person you know deteriorate over it's not even a person that you

yeah i'm not sure what's worse i don't know i have no way yeah i don't know either i thought about that too i watched my mom deteriorate and i wouldn't choose that but i did like having time it gave me time to be able to be you know responsible and able to be counted on i was like i did my grieving before anybody had to see it kind of thing so i could be kind of responsible when yeah when the time comes you can be the guy that takes care of shit and yep you can get all your ducks in a row too like ahead of time i'm lucky i have an awesome wife though that she's she's the one that put all the ducks in the row for me to be honest when you shot him down i shot the fuck out of time i'm lucky i have an awesome wife though that she's she's the one that put all

the ducks in the road for me to be honest when you shot him down i shot the fuck out of him i had sex with one of the ducks that wasn't good for our relationship yeah we settled that i mean duck is the fucking ducks the gateway drug jerking off the dogs getting hit by cars they're sexy ducks ducks are sexy duck duck and then you're a goose oh what okay chasing people around yeah hold on one second okay no uh fuck it i'll just go now but i think we read this question either last week or the week before it was like what's the best worst most embarrassing childhood memory and this duck talk just reminded me of fucking one of the saddest stories don't worry it's not that bad but But for a young little me, it was fucking so sad. We were on vacation in Florida.

My grandpa lived in Fort Lauderdale. We get it, you're rich. Jesus. He was neighbors with Bruce Willis. Yeah! Bruce Willis was my neighbor, not my grandpa's. Joke's on you, Bruce Willis has dementia. Joke's on you, he doesn't remember you're his neighbor.

God, he forgets everything. We're in Florida, because we didn't stay at their house because it was too small to stay there, Brian. So we had our own little condo. And in the back of this condo, there was a pond called a duck pond, if you want. Had the turtles, had the duckies. Why don't you call it turtle pond? I don't know. I just never heard that before.

That's why you should do it. That's not fair. It's better. Yeah. Fish pond. Turtle power. Just a pond. Yeah.

It doesn't need any sort of label. Just call it a pond. No ownership given here. Yeah. Segregation, man. Yeah, don't do that. And then I was out back, and as we've covered, sports guy. I think I was like probably nine.

Were you having yourself a juicy six-ounce sirloin? No. But I was by myself. dollars ninety nine so many of joe's stories have condos in them they have so many condos condoms no condos actually yeah zero condoms tons of condos you get it raw dog and i was standing at the edge of the lake and i was throwing rocks you were parked by the lake yeah i was in my truck i was i thought i had of the lake and I was throwing rocks. You were parked by the lake? Yeah, I was in my truck. I thought I was eight years old.

I was in second or third grade. Maybe first grade. I don't know. But I was there and I just was by myself down at the lake. And for whatever reason, I thought, I didn't think I was going to be able to do it. Like, I was just like, oh, spur of the moment, I was like, I'm going to throw a rock at these ducks. You guys know where this is going. Yeah, I know where this is going.

A sexy duck, you dick. No, it gets even worse. Is it a mallard? Stop it. No, it was a sexy. Yeah, mallards are fucking. They're sexy as fuck. Mallards are gorgeous with their green heads.

How dare you? Female ducks are the ugly ones. So we got the mama duck. Then you got all the brand new ducks in the ugly ones all right so we got the got the mama duck then you got all the brand new ducks in the little ducky train behind mom yeah they're yellow and brown little tiny fuck like fuzzy duckies and i huck a rock no and not even trying just drilled one of the baby ducks oh you son and i just went oh no not even trying well you know you're trying to scare them you don't think you're actually gonna fucking hit them and so i hit no i don't know because i'm not a psychopath i've never been through this scenario you guys have never

thrown like a rock at a bird like there's no way i'm gonna hit it and you throw it you either come way or like a snowball a pole and you just throw it and you're like there's no way kill a pole okay i have a sad story too about that but go ahead so i throw it i hit the duck duck spins over and it's upside down and it's kicking his little legs on top of the water and mom is panicked because then she's trying to flip the duck over it's a hell of a comedy show we got going here good lord yeah where's the laughter it was the laugh laugh track? Yeah, I got it Dead duck, baby Yes, yes Flips, no guys, not done yet This is burned into my head

You're gonna burn it into our heads So the little duck kicking his little leggies And mom's trying to flip it back over And it can't because it's fucking broken Then Right from mama mama helping the duck a turtle swims up and grabs the baby duck and drags it into the darkness so

what are you guys laughing about because it's so sad because i just pictured the turtle sitting on the edge having a cigarette and he hits the door oh fuck lottery today's the day tosses out the cigarette like hops in the in the pond i knew my luck would change stomps it out and i didn't want to set his pond on fire yeah kicking his legs on the dock holy shit jumps in and goes and just drags it and i watched it the duck yellow just disappear into the darkness like uh yeah she moved on pretty quick so it wasn't a hundred percent pretty quick she's like oh sure that's over and then they had to go save the rest of the ducks whoops it was 50 50 your your fault 50 the turtle's fault other 50 man no it was 100 joe's fault because if he doesn't hit that baby duck and flip him over the turtle doesn't go after the duck i was trying to comfort him and the turtle starved to death he doesn't deserve

comfort you're right that's fair and the turtle deserves to stew in this i have i was like eight yeah and you don't so don't help him out zach he deserves to live with this. I have. I was like eight. So don't help him out, Zach. He deserves to live with this. You're right. It's been 30 years. And guess what? On that trip, you know how elementary schools have the little, like the flat Stanley that you can bring with you on vacation?

Zach? Guys? Flat Stanley? Yeah, it's a whole thing. But they have like different names. I forget what mine was named. Are they for rich people? God damn it.

Mr. Tesla. And you bring it with you on vacation so you can write about it and you come back and show it to your class. I did not write about throwing and killing a duck. There's one right by a pond. On my flat Stanley. I just typed it in. There's one right by a duck pond.

A flat Stanley? Yep. Yeah. So I did. And one at Stonehenge. Stonehenge. Stonehenge. Oh yeah. Stonehen at uh stonehenge stonehenge stonehenge oh yeah so kids down and kings bring kids bring these on trips and take pictures and then they can show it to their class when they get back but can you imagine if there was never mind let's see if that was a new york skyline in

2001 oh flats the guy that would be terrible. Or the firefighters are digging through the rubble and pull out a flat Stanley. And they're like, well. Okay. Yeah. Guess we'll. Where's Waldo? Here he is. Yeah, you get it.

Anyway. Where's Stanley? Too soon. Buried under 100 foot of rubble. Yeah. Oh, there's. He was just Stanley. Okay.

All right. No, here's the pond. We're looking at all these Stanleys now. Can I borrow your shovel? He was just Stanley Okay Alright Can I borrow your shovel? There's the pawn one I was talking about Oh nice Watching the turtle come Easy Watching the turtle jizz Just be clear with it please

Sorry Don't beat around the turtle bush The turtle cloaca well should we leave on that sad story son of a bitch yeah we can we come back from that i don't know if we can come back from that no we cannot come back from that when i got my first bb gun i saw a little bird see and i have one of these too yeah my dad was like do not shoot at the birds and i was like whatever and i saw it was a baby little tiny bird and i was like oh i'm not a great shot i haven't hit anything all day and so i aimed at it and i shot it and i saw it not move again and i went

up there and i broke its neck and i was like mortified for life yeah it was just like you i hadn't stopped thinking about it for 35 years i have a visual of something like that i remember we were playing by a lake and there was a little bird walking on a dock and i had these two friends that had uh bb guns they were both thinking separate they were both in different areas like one was over here one was they were not playing together they were not next to each other and i remember looking at this bird and i remember one of the guys i see him pointing the gun at this bird. I'm like, oh, no, don't shoot that,

and he pulls the trigger, and I hear, and then from the left side of my ear, and both BBs hit this bird, and it goes, like, just straight gone, like that, and then you see it kind of moving along. One of the guys runs over there and goes,

still alive, and he starts stomping on it. No. On the dock dock and you can hear the bones crunching and stuff hate and like i was like dude what are you doing boneless chicken nuggets am i right guess he's not hanging out of your house i know i had a bb gun story too it wasn't i didn't even actually i have shot birds but the one i will always remember is my friend shot the bird on the branch and he shot it he goes that i hit it and it went

and did like a cartoon swing it was like there was legs where feet were stuck in there the legs like wrapped around the the branch and it went and then just dropped and we both were like i'm not doing this and he kept shooting it and it was just going bring ding ding ding bring high score fucking counters going up how many times you can get it to wrap around the trees turning turning nature into a shooting gallery the cans going up the pole i was gonna say imagine if we did that to each other as humans but we do i was like that's what that's how we that's how humans human doing mean stuff to each other it's the nature of history of humanity oh yeah blood and semen everywhere yeah we were that was blood semen and destruction yeah america yeah humans put that on my tombstone fuck you

uh yeah well that was fun yeah one one year huh cool congratulations guys thank you congratulations to me now yeah one year baby you get to join in right before we do it and you get a hat right before you guys make all your millions yeah you get a walking in imagine getting like yeah you got hired at apple like the day before they released the iphone and you got the same amount of shares as everyone else bonus i remember when the seahawks won the super bowl and all these fucking people that didn't care we're all going yeah it's the greatest ever fuck you you didn't sit there and watch them lose for 40 years you're not sad enough i have a steve. Fuck you. You didn't sit there and watch them lose for 40 years. You're not sad enough.

I have a Steve Largen jersey, motherfucker. You didn't get a chance to be sad before you were happy. Some of you weren't sad enough. You never were. You were never sad because you started watching when they were winning. I watched Dave Craig fumble 269 times. You're goddamn right. Me and my dad sat there every Sunday.

And now I still say the same stuff that my dad said when we were watching the game together. Be sad. Just that total pessimistic attitude. Yeah, going to fuck it. Even when they were good, they'll find a way to blow it. You just can't be happy. Up by 48, and you're like, let's see how they fuck this one up. They're going to fuck it up.

We'll see how they do it. That's my favorite part of living in this area, because Washington state cougars fans are basically that throughout their entire lives yeah they're being a husky fan i'm like yeah eat it well eat a dick yeah large one eat a big old dick hey me eat that dick again well bye everybody we're gonna fuck off yeah i'm actually gonna go right outside this door and start cutting some screws helping with a with a remodel what's going on yeah some of that i'm more like a dentist wear glasses yeah yeah all that kind of stuff i can't get my leg to stop yeah stop doing that i can't usually it's me it's me again it's my leg again usually i'm the bouncer no i do this every show that's why that's probably why the chair squeaks i have some wd-40 just lube that thing up my knee surgery all I've had to do is put wd-40 on it it'd be awesome

the oil can from uh the premise of that is so dumb It's acid It's an acid trip Like Nevermind We don't need to dive Just about ready to get into logic

Start dissecting the fucking Wizard of Oz Well Well actually it's symbolism What I think The guy doesn't even have a brain But yet he can talk somehow Dumb

Dumb Alright bye Nevermind I'm leaving. All right. You can get out of here. I got baseball practice tonight. Oh, yeah.

Not me, my son. All right. Zach, you want to say the goodbye this time? Bye. That's a guy. Hey. Okay, this one's for the ladies and the dudes that like it. Okay.

Okay. Hey, it's me again. And there goes the phoners. Oh, well. Or the wet vaginas. Bye-bye. Bye.