Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Wheat Field. Campground. Donuts. Kitchen Sink.

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

How funny is the world going to look when everyone is aloud to own and operate their own jetpacks? Let's talk about that, leaving your family because they don't know how to use a trashcan, promotional events that completely backfired, tugging on your dong while running a marathon, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/dixF-vCMTmsSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wheatfield, campground, donuts, kitchen sink. Emerson Hancock. Emerson Hancock Emerson Hancock That's number 63? 62 No, we're on 62? Yeah, we're on episode What just happened?

Where are you at? What? I'm in the future, baby Sorry Well, the future looks bright for Emerson Hancock Who's Mr. Hancock? He's one of the top pitching prospects for the Mariners He's in the show now

Okay, he's in the show now. Okay. He's in there. Yeah. Pitching well so far. By the time we record this, I guess I found myself in front of a bunch of Mariners games over the past week. And what the fuck? Were they playing Kansas City?

It was a mess. Thank God they got that last one. Well, they just ended three minutes ago. They won. Okay. I'm sick of the Royals. Of seven to nothing and then losing the ninth inning? Well, no.

Losing the 10th or 11th. They lost on the ninth with a bunt, so that was fun. And they've been losing in the extra innings. Okay. Let's stop talking about the Mariners. Yeah, Zach? Are they still over 500? Yes, they're 10, 11, 12.

11 games over 500, I think, now. They're fine. At the time of recording. They'll be fine. They could be right back to 500 by the time we get done. Yeah, thanks to everybody who supports us on Patreon. All you silly geese, part of the gaggle. Love that.

You get the additional content on the back end of every episode. If you do support us on Patreon, you'll find a link in the episode description. Send content in. All the content. Every single one. Every bit of it all of it whether it's on any social media a petty beef an article you find hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and then i'm very excited about a new segment are you it's not on today's show but it's on next week's show and And we're getting Mr. Uncle Zach in here. Oh, good lord.

Not as good as it was. Was it intentional? Are you ejaculating? Kind of. Ejaculating? Still good. Maybe that should be the name of the show. Ejaculation?

Or not the show, the segment. Just rename the whole fucking show. Change the whole podcast to Exaculation? Exaculation. Station. No, but it's going to be called Exaculation Station. What is that? Is that a cum rag?

That's a new Skycast show, I think. No, but it's going to be called Lap Time. We actually have the intro already done. Let's just play it. I'm not doing the segment this week, but Zach, just play the thing. Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls.

It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. That's pretty creepy. Sit on my lap, you little shits. I get to be the creepy uncle. That's awesome. That's the goal, baby. Happy to help.

And it's just going to cover all the things. I mean, we have no idea what uncle zach is gonna bring in uh when we have lap time terrible things whatever it is just know it's gonna be entertaining just don't let it be small children oh yeah none of that it won't be that he brings in kids we're like zach first time next week we don't know what he's doing kid he brings in a kid who's this i don't know yeah tell i'm your name timmy not my problem like what the fuck i don't like to know their names something i'm into you're gonna ruin it uncle zacky likes nothing no one you are nothing to me okay what a weird segment that would be i think maybe it's

over already before it started no i'm excited that was a good run while we tried but lap time with uncle zach we will debut that next week looking forward to it are you ready to just get the show rolling i am ready to dive on in like fucking do it not like greg luganis but kinda so what how many times have i mentioned him now no twice yeah today? Yeah. Today. Enough. Enough. Enough of times. Zach! Hey, shut up.

It's not the show already. This was just pulled from the internet. You know? I've seen it. Yep. Just bouncing around a little bit. People have sent it our way. I don't actually know the origin of where it came from, but here we go.

This is called the 6-12-18-24 challenge. All right? That's one football field, two football field, three football field, four football field challenge. No, the 6-12-18-24 challenge. Eat donuts, jerk off, run miles, drink beers. How many miles? You only have 20.

That's the part of the thing. Oh! You only have 24 hours.'s your order oh okay you don't have to do no you don't have to pick a number to attach with one of those things you have to do yes but you have to attach the number to one of these things oh it is like that yeah okay so you can either choose to run six miles or run 24 miles got it you got to pick out where you're where you're putting these things in or jerk off 24 times can you imagine oh my god there's no okay first of all no way yeah even in my early there's these 50s there's no way there's no strength endurance training gets you ready for jerking you can't you can only work out your balls so much

but i love the idea. If you do, if you do pick 24 jerk offs, you're going to have to do a lot of these other things while you're jerking off. So you're like running, running a marathon with, you have a donut and a, you have a pocket pussy like on your dick.

One of the new ones, the ones that like works themselves. Yeah. They're, they're, they're thrusting themselves and you're on a track running, down a high school donuts are wrapped around your dick sure one donut left hand you got your fucking beer in the right you're getting jerked off and just running down the track sounds awful it sounds terrible and it sounds like you're never gonna come unless that's your kink i don't know it seems like something you'd want to try at least once and then say it's awful

yeah and then try it and then decide how bad it is you know you don't get to try it once you get to try it 24 24 hours yeah but i was saying experiment yeah outside of the challenge before you start your challenge maybe you're like is this doable when you first read this i was thinking you just had to do those things in in 24 hours so i was just going like okay i'll wake up i'll run however many miles yeah i'll rub one out oh it doesn't even matter yeah i will run or you're like i know this is easy i'll just wake up i will eat zero donuts i will run zero miles i'll drink one beer and i'll jerk off once i was gonna say well three of those four things that's that's not a that's not far from a daily occurrence a daily reach around yeah i'm gonna have to go low on the jerk off thing yeah i mean i feel like i got a high sex drive

but you got to start down there with six right let's hope you can get out of the way from midnight to to morning at 46 is already going to be a task. Wait, wait, say it again? At 40 years old. Oh, yeah. Six is already a task. Speaking of, I got to take these fucking gloves off. Why?

It's so hot in here. Oh. It makes my entire body just... The sweatier the palms, the more money I save on lube. Sweater the palms, the longer the ponytail? That's what I heard. I read that in a bar I have to go up the six jerkies Just to get it out of the way

I'll start at midnight Hopefully be done on a good day So a marathon is 27 miles right? Yeah And 12 miles is still a fuck ton I'm hesitant Or I'm tempted to switch the run miles and the jerk off run six miles and then jerk off 12 times that's a that's a lot of running and a lot of coming

coming and going all right i i think it's for for me i think it's jerk off six times. Okay. Run 12 miles. Okay. Fuck. How big are these donuts? Are they like mini donuts? You can eat donuts while you run. And you can eat donuts while you jerk off. You can jerk off with a donut. There's a hole in the middle for a reason. Is it the best pocket pussy?

No. But no one said it was. You have to complete? Yeah, you have to come. You can't just... You're done one two three oh no like a certain amount of time you pull your pants up and you put it back down like one and then you just jerk it twice then pull your pants back up two no you have to complete

all the way to the end which don't get can't get beers involved no then i start saving yeah you get drunk and trying to jerk it i i would i gotta got to get the rubbing out in the first half of the day. Rubbing out of the way. Rub it out of the way. You get it. Yep, that's got to be... And then go... I agree on that one.

Then, okay, I'm waking up. I'm eating the donuts. And jerking off. Why are you jerking off? Got it. Then, I think once I'm done with that, I'm going to run the marathon. I'm going to run... You're going to run... Oh, fuck. I forgot. There's a number attached to it. 24? once i'm done with that i'm gonna run the marathon i'm gonna run you're gonna run oh

fuck i forgot there's a number attached to it 24 zach do you have anything come on i got nothing you got nothing i would get drunk and then everything would be fine after that i'll get drunk and then jump off a bridge drink all the beers 24 beers and then everything's fine and see what happens just see what happens you probably could jerk off you wouldn't know but what i would do is i wake up drink 24 beers and enjoy my last day on earth what's weird for me i don't know about not necessarily right now but what's weird for me i think the easiest one for me to do would be uh run the 24 miles running i actually liked when's the last time you ran three miles i used to do i used to how's the last time you ran three miles? I used to do...

You used to? That's what I'm saying. I just said that. No. I just said that. I would... I don't know about now. But when I think about what I think I could do reasonably...

How far is it? Right now, I don't know if I could drink 18 beers. I could. I guess you could do it all day yeah you have all day you do one an hour so a marathon is 26.2 yeah so you're basically running a marathon yeah yeah no thank you i dude i used to run uh what's the bloomsday how is that seven miles i used to run i would run that multiple times a day sometimes I'd just get up and do it When I was in really good shape

Oh man I mean I'm cheering for you But I will also I'll just get the obituary The obituary ready You know what how did he die he died doing what he loved running I'm gonna run I'm gonna run 12 miles I'm gonna drink 24 gonna run i'm gonna run 12 miles okay i'm gonna drink 24 beers because

i'm gonna space it out right i'll go maybe kind of go hard in the beginning and then just probably drink while you ran too yeah it's not that that's not fun though who cares you can throw it up all right drink it i'm i'm jerking off six times yeah you are i'm running 12 miles i'm eating 18 donuts and drinking 24 beers okay i like that's kind of where my that's where my logic went good but it's fun it's really fun to think about it just in the reverse order like what if you're running and you have to stop just to go try to rub one out you're you see everyone i guess you're not in a man i keep i picture myself like in a marathon they hand you a cup of water and he's coming in it And give it back You stand at the table

You stare at them They all have cups of Gatorade and you just stop and jerk off Well if you find a little attractive person Run behind them Watch their butt jiggle and you could probably I think the best you could do in that situation Is have a chafed dick Bouncing that thing around man

Can you run and cum? I think I could i think i could run 12 miles in four to five hours now probably you come well jogging not running it does not say sprinting so thank god women can have orgasms so that's nice good for you well they at least they should be able to do we can just pull out her dick and rub it out and just done they it's i saw a meme it was uh guys are like shake weight and women are like pop it right yeah pull it twist it pop it pass you know you pass yeah go do all that shit so the least we can do is let them have an orgasm while they're running yeah i'm reading about it

now i'm not yeah i'm not seeing any documentation of dudes coming while running so that's cool seems like an experiment that needs to be tried yeah like is that a ripley's not a ripley's a guinness guinness world record type situation i think how many times could you jerk off during a marathon i think i'm there with you how many times can you jerk off in a day in general what's the pr i don't remember my pr i'm sure it's up there six or seven is probably the max six even back in the heyday how many times can you eject you i would be confident in saying double digits for sure for me back in the back in

the heyday you get a whole day to yourself dude technically speaking there's no limit regarding how many times so you can ejaculate too many times in one day some men can only ejaculate one what some men can only ejaculate once whereas others i'm all done no magic no oh never mind so i remember like in college i mean i remember like ease like i remember plowing three four times a day like with a girlfriend or whatever and that's that's in a just maybe a few hours of just like yeah it's a morning freaky yeah that's a morning yeah a morning of plowing so but that remember that's that was college now it's like 12 i'm going that's a lot i'm going i know what i'm doing i I'm going six, rubbing out, 12 runs, 18 donuts, and 24 beers.

Yeah, I think I'm going to go the same order. I think that's the answer. Yeah, I think it is. Yeah. I think it is. I think you're right. I mean, 24 donuts, 18 beers. It's not that big of a difference.

Your insulin will think so. Rather just get hammered if I'm eating that many donuts. Imagine Joey Chestnut, the way he eats. But imagine him having to drink like, do that. Like eat 18 donuts and drink 24 beers at the same time. I'm curious what that would look like. They're awful. It's going to be a mess.

Chestnut could do it. But I do love the idea of like sprinkling in some beers. Like you don't have to just, yeah, you can drink some beers while you're running have to just yeah you can drink some beers while you're running eat some donuts get the sugar in while you're running and just you know fuel your run with with beer and donuts and then just carbo load carbo load maybe only jerk off five times before your big run and then wait one right right when you're done you have a nice come to look forward to the power you make power you through you're just gonna want when you're done with that run you're just gonna want to lay down you're done, you have a nice cum to look forward to. To power you through. You're just going to want, when you're done with that run, you're just going to want to lay down. You're going to want a donut.

You're going to want a donut. You're going to play ring toss on your hard penis. You play that the whole time. You wear a hat and you have a string on it. And then a donut that hangs down. And the whole time you're just trying to fuck the donut as you're running. Like a fun carnival game. Like the horse horse with a carrot sure yeah whatever it takes uh okay i'm gonna agree with you that's i think we all agree on that right yeah zach yep i'm i'm curious

what the kids will say so send in your answers i mean there's something we're missing hey guys hey can you don't podcast.com i feel like there is something we're missing but that looks to me like the best and the kids are very good at pointing that out so i'm looking forward to well and there's a there's some people that like they just they can take beer like just nothing beers and like in college like i said all this you go back if i go back 20 years like this challenge is much easier and doesn't say what type of beer you can have the lightest beer bush light even whatever keystone it's just something that's like one percent alcohol mostly water and probably be pretty okay fueling your

run so just says a beer doesn't have to be an ipa can you imagine well what if it's a root beer it's just a fucking doesn't say alcoholic it's just a nine percenter just a heavy chocolate guinness you'd make it two miles and just fall in the bushes and just be like just kill me whatever we were drinking at when we were playing mini golf the other day oh yeah what was that i don't know it's fine but yeah that's not we're not making that we're not making through the run with that are we no um okay let's move on to the what are you thinking about all right you ready about that okay hey zacky hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit

what are you thinking about what are you thinking about the thought of running and jerking off is so funny to me yeah yeah yeah yeah like trying like cool shades and your little runner bib on yeah but you're like trying to yeah yeah you're trying to keep a good pace running but you're also trying to be like talk yourself through it how do you feel you're getting tired no just my fucking right arm is killing me just the one thing that's bothering you there's nothing worse like i've had times in the shower you're like you just like i just feel like i need to rub it out let's get it done so i have to worry about today and you can't get it your arms just like oh my god it's just it's fatigue give yourself blue balls yeah and i'm like screw it i'm getting out of the shower and then just like go on with your day those are the

sad things they don't tell you they're gonna happen when you're older you know like you think i'm gonna be able to do this forever no No. And then that hog is just like, it's slowly going down because you couldn't do anything with it. It's a sad hog. Putting it out to pasture. Disappointed look on its face. Yeah, just taking the shotgun out. Putting a bullet in it.

This hog's sleepy. Okay, so, from the time that we're recording this, my birthday was this past weekend. Happy birthday. Thanks. August 12th. And I turned a whopping 38 years of age.

It was your birthday? Yeah, it's okay. Zach texted me. He said, happy birthday. Oh, sorry. I guess I never knew what your birthday was. That's fine. I mean, I wasn't.

I'm not worried about it. What are you, like 38? 38. We hung out with him the day before his birthday. Whoops. Whoops. Sorry, guys. what are you like 38 38 yeah we hung out with him the day before his birthday whoops whoops sorry guys um anyway so every single year because of the way space works there's always a meteor shower on my birthday and um this year we just said something it must mean something i mean looking at the signs you know gotta count your blessings what's out there you know um and then this year went out into the middle of nowhere i i don't have a gigantic truck girlfriend has a massive truck

oh i make fun of her she puts your masculinity to shame it's awful like it's it's just anyway so went out in the middle of a field drove about 40 minutes south-ish of Spokane, and then just parked in a wheat field. So we could blow up the blow-up mattress in the back of the bed. Don't worry, kids were there. It wasn't a fuckfest. Yeah! And watched a bunch of amazing shooting stars.

It was great. Great time. Wonderful stuff. They're not shooting stars, though, just so you know. Oh, they are what? They're meteors. Oh, thank you. Stars are suns.

It's not a shooting star shower? No. It's a meteor shower? Mm-hmm. Okay. And we're laying out there, some good stuff. I mean, pretty eerie. It was dead calm.

You know, as your eyes adjusted, you could see, like, the outline. Are you playing anything? No. I'm waiting for, like some no ominous music or something oh you want something yeah i want something i feel like you're gonna dive into something here hold on let me let me find something i like i'm waiting for like a okay hold on hold on oh i got oh okay you're right good calling there we go okay hold on let me turn that up a little bit nice so we're we're out in the middle of the wheat field.

Okay. And it smells like, if you were allergic to hay, you would have died. Like that. I mean, hold on. You would have fucking died. Died. Died. And we're out there, and we're watching the meteor shower.

And as we're sitting there, girlfriend's daughter starts whistling. She starts going. And in my head, she kept doing it over and over. And then in my head, I'm like, how creepy would it be if something whistled back? Because you're out of the middle of nowhere. Middle of nowhere. And you just, of the middle of nowhere middle of nowhere and you you just whatever the exact tone and then over you see like an outline of a guy wearing a hat and you see her

and then you see the cigarette right back and everyone's like kind of freaked out or you hear it you're like was that a echo like a bird or something like and then you do it again and the next time it's leaning over the fucking truck like it's on the tailgate just goes like dude that is the like and i thought i thought about it more and more and i know by you and zach our brains all work the same like you're living real life but you're also picturing everything in a short movie. Oh, yeah. You're wanting it. Almost wanting it to be.

Like you see it. You're framing it up in your brain. Your brain's making it into a short video. But like a scary movie called The Whistler. Something like that. That's what I was going around my brain. The Whistler? Something like that?

Sorry. This coming this fall. The. Fall. Whistler. In a world. In a world. Completely underwater.

In a world where there's no sound in the middle of nowhere in a hay field. But just dead quiet. A young girl. Has that concept been done before? Where something like you do a little whistle thing. And. Deliverance. And something something whistles back is that what it does yeah no but it is weird like you're just i want to listen to fucking dueling banjo this will be creepy yeah that would still be creepy it's the

happiest picture i'm sitting in his rocking chair yeah you're like hey check this out and you stand up in the bed of your truck and then over in the distance we should probably leave that wouldn't be as freaky the whistling thing would be really freaky so freaky you know a 12 year old girl is doing her whistle and all of a sudden you hear that back and then maybe there's a or yeah even humming something first to it i think that'd be even creepier and then the hummer the hummer not nearly as scary as the whistler the hummer i could come to joe's like i thought that's what the movie that was going to play tonight but then the kids showed up the kids

showed up and it went from the hummer to the whistler not nearly as scary or as sexy uh well um i mean the whistler sounds like a cool that's got to be an urban dictionary term whistler the whistler yeah that involves like boogeyman the dude guy with the bees like a little tone can you see it can you see the outline oh yeah i mean for whatever reason he has to be wearing like a like a farmer hat the full brim doing like overalls you can see a little outline of him whistling back at you i think for the top of a little hill this scenario he doesn't actually like lean in or kill anybody he just like he's just toying with him but what i mean he knows what's what are we doing the scary movie oh he doesn't stand super far away and whistle back? No, that's the open.

Like, that's the. Well, you need to die in the open. The origin, yeah. Yeah. But I think he just toys with them. Okay. First, he gets them all freaked out. And then they run right into his trap.

And as they're coming down the road, they run into a bunch of farmers. That I'll kill them. Yeah. We're doing it now. I'm up canada not nearly as scary kind of this intro is a little boring come on guys takes a minute to start yeah Kinda. This intro's a little boring. Come on, guys. Takes a minute to start, yeah.

Cut into it! I don't think you understood me. I want to get some drivers. Why is he talking over? Be quiet. We're playing. Quit talking. Come on.

Shut up, Bert. Bert Reynolds and his fucking youth. Yeah, Bert Reynolds without a mustache so creepy that guy's metal as fuck just staring at him won't take his eyes off him I'm just getting for it a little bit here movies man

that's what movies used to be they sort of got one star they'd be like movie was great except it was one part you've seen this right yeah fucking shred that's uh what's his name uh start dancing okay fine we're done but that would be not nearly as creepy out there

the banjoer the plucker the plucker you could play a banjo or if he does the plucker yeah the plucker he does that and then he comes and plucks you what if he's the the ban joker and he showed up just as the joker playing a banjo put a smile on that face and he smacks him with a banjo he cuts his mouth with a guitar string banjo string all right let's make the movie how about all of all these characters you got the whistler you got the plucker and you got the hummer and there goes haunting wheat fields waiting for people to go out there and park and then you don't know who you're gonna get okay here's the thing the best yeah best you should go

do that again and then i'm gonna follow you. Oh, and scare the shit out of them? You're going to do that again, and then I'm going to be the whistler. Could you imagine if I could? Oh, God. You couldn't whistle it back? Yeah. Imagine the horror movie. Yeah.

The person's doing it, and the guy's like, he's waiting for him. He's like. God damn it. He has dry mouth. He can't fucking. And they're like, what is that? He's going, me, me, me, me, me. Do a less complicated whistle.

Yeah. I'm tone deaf. He whittles it back, but it's way out of key. That's not scary. It'll sound too runs. Shit. Yeah. Just an amazing whistler.

That's good. That would be funny. I like any time something like that falls apart when someone's trying to be all serious or mysterious or evil and it just falls apart doesn't work out for you yeah uh not gonna i don't think yeah there's no reason to do it here did you guys know that i can whistle so loud it'll make your ears hurt do it no it's coming through microphones no do it away from your microphone it's still gonna be loud i have to plug my own ears when i do it because it makes them like hurt it'll make them ring do you put your fingers in your mouth or is it just straight up straight up do it half quarter

i'm gonna do it but i'm sorry if it's too loud in the microphones and you guys can tell me well you already have your ear and he's outside the room it's not gonna be great i'm backing up like it's like it's it's oh what the fuck really yo wait take your take your little ears out you ready yeah that's pretty loud yeah it's pretty loud yeah it's awful you're like a bat yeah it's very loud dude my my dad could do it and he would do it so loud because whenever our dog would run off that's what he'd just go real it's a really quick one and she just little dog ears yeah if I don't have my ears and I have to plug them. They asked me to do it

when we were out there talking about the Whistler movie and then they got mad at me after I did it. They're like, ow, it hurt my ear. I was like, I told you. What if you were talking about doing it

and you're like, fine, I'll do it. And then somebody else did the whistle. Or someone just like, whistling. Or that's what I did. They're like,

what the fuck? Dude, I have the loudest whistle. It's going to drive you nuts. Do it. Like, whoa. Whoa, crazy. All right, let's take a look at some dick this week. What about whistling?

Whistling Dixie? Whistling Dixie. You get it. Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Dick.

Dick. I love that my two tabs that I have open in my browser right now are Hot Air Balloon Funeral and Can You Come While Jogging. You know. That sounds like a show of ours. It sounds like Can You Don't, doesn't it? Mm-hmm. Absolutely. you know sounds like a show of ours it sounds like can you don't doesn't it absolutely so this one just cracked me up because i mean a lot a little bit about what we've been talking about

over the last handful of shows but here's the headline says flying aliens harassing village village in Peru are actually illegal miners with jetpacks yes yes oh man wait like a minor like a person who digs or a person that's underage you know like a minor okay like they're flying in and stealing shit doing illegal mining operations and then zipping out of there that's fucking get me out of here just and everyone's like aliens like you don't have to read it but it says the mysterious attacks began back on july 11th strange beings locals said visiting an isolated indigenous community in rural peru at night harassing in his habitants and attempting to kidnap a 15 year old girl. That part's not funny.

But the fact that they were flying in and doing some mining, it just got me thinking about like the advancements in technology. And sure, you think about James Bond, the Kingsman, like the like the spy gear that's always, you know, so cool. That's going to happen with every other gang too in real life where they're just gonna get you know like we've talked about flying cars and i mean jetpacks whatever you happen to get hoverboards like they're going to use all of these things too and i just never thought about that a whole gang of hoverboarders

well they did it back in the future. Of jetpackers? What is it? This guy's a bit... Remember that? Yeah. Griff? Yeah, I remember Griff. Imagine like...

Jetpong! You're waiting to... You're buying a little cocaine. You buy a little weed. Whatever you're buying. And your dealer flies in on a jetpack. Or a flying rug just nonsense you're waiting you're like is it is that is that him just and just comes in and he's blasting you what if he

delivered his drugs in a hot air balloon well you never get crashing through everyone sorry meet me down the street you can run up and you're like, here's the bag. Toss him the money before he takes off again. Here, throw it out. Throw it out. Throw it out. Throw it out. Give me the money first.

No, you first. You first. Sorry, I can't. Catch me two blocks down. There's a construction site. I'll meet you there. I'll get tangled up in the wires. Don't be a gentleman.

I'll meet you down there. It's fine. It's fine. I got a jet pack. Get the fuck out of here. Just meet me there. I'll fly out of here. But yeah, just, or people, I don't know, like crossing the border, but everyone's got fucking

jet packs. Like little kid jet packs. Like they don't know what to do. It's going rogue. Like they don't know how to control a jet pack. Well, imagine, imagine like a picture like, what's the fucking movie with Keanu Reeves where there's surfers, point break, where they go in and they rob a bank or whatever. Say, so like, let's say they're at a bank and there's glass.

They break the glass, drop down, give me all your fucking money, the book, and then just fly right out through the hole and fucking gone before the cops show up. And you're like, imagine. Yeah. Where'd they come from. Robbing a bank. Yeah. That's what I just said. I know.

But like, you can just like anybody can take off and land at any moment on the fucking roof. Yeah. Like when I never thought about that jet packs are always just like a cool thing to get around. Yeah. But now you, you, you can finally get,

grab a candy bar and then just take off? They're going to become so affordable. Who the fuck cares? Yeah, I was going to say, if they're at the point where they're so cheap where a minor crime like stealing a Butterfinger. Nobody lays a finger on my Butterfinger. Except for the guy in the jetpack. You see the signs outside the store it's like no backpacks or whatever what about it's gonna have to say no jet packs what a fire hazard oh what a

great what a great sign when you go into a restaurant and it just says no jet no shoes no shirt no jet packs no jet pack no problem he just don't ask. Don't ask why no jetpacks. Squirrel suit's okay, though. Yeah, squirrel suit's fine. You need to get up. If you cut out the altitude of a squirrel suit, that's an embarrassing situation. Dude, if you could, let's say you climb up to the top of the Burj Khalifa or something like that. Or Mia Khalifa, rob somebody,

and then just jump off in a freaking suit, wingsuit, and just, you're gone. There's no one going to find you. There's no way. You're gone so fast. Absolutely.

Jetpack, you're going to linger a little bit. You're going to have a little trail. Where'd he go? It's like the Wicked Witch of the East, where she's skywriting. But of course, it shows like a cool backflip you did on the way out. Where'd he go? It's like the Wicked Witch of the East Where's she sky riding? But of course it shows like a cool backflip you did on the way out Of course, the McTwist

It's like, well, he was going this way, looks like he did two loop-de-loops Dude, that's gonna be an Olympia Like jetpack? Yeah, like jetpacking Or like NASCAR, but it's just people with jetpacks going in circles Just going in a circle That's how we get quidditch What's that?

Harry Potter game Oh, I'm not a Harry Potter dude way to not nerd out is that the one where they fly around the brooms it is okay but with jet packs jet packs or uh the red bull the airplane thing where they fly around through the cones and stuff doing something like that in a jet pack be fun jet packs are pretty goofy too with like the legs dangling look like wasps yeah they're really goofy looking yeah and what it looks like a wasp yeah the slow motion of a wasp its wings going but their back legs are just hanging there it's the same thing imagine the games though like uh wheelchair basketball with jet or like what polo and horses but it's like jetpack polo i just had a thought and you you're going along with the guy he's trying to take you just jam something in

his jetpack and blow him up sends him flying so comically spins out of the frame i was just thinking about uh you got an accident and you're wheelchair bound but you can still kind of walk if you have a jet pack but it has to be on all the time so you're just like kind of your legs are dangling but you're trying to like just be in normal life if you have a jet pack blasting the floor but you're just hanging down right your legs just hanging down but you're trying to just go into a store they're just like they're dragging dragging on the ground just blasting inside of a store torching the floor going to steal a snickers and get the hell out of there real quick huh um i said never thought about that i never thought about using jetpacks

for for bad stuff yeah well they all you know it, oh, we don't want this technology to end up in the wrong hands. Yeah. And it never does because the hero always comes out on top, so. Stealing shit is going to be super easy

if you have a jetpack. Like, taking someone's bike, you just, yeah, walk the shit on it, and you just, you're still

holding on to it and sitting on it while you're, like, you're biking and you just hear her behind you like, fuck, you look up and a jetpack is coming down to get you. You have a jetpack.

Why do you want a bike? And you're pedaling as fast as you can. He's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And just lands on you, shoves you off your bike, and then just flies off with it. God damn it. Fucking jet packers it's all et in the moon just palming at one he already had another bike in his left hand yeah and he grabs your bike and takes off into the sky it's gonna be a nightmare i can't wait be a more efficient way to deliver presents Yeah For Santa

Fuck drones UPS I was thinking reindeer Oh Yeah Pretty antiquated The entire postal service just has jetpack dudes Oh god

That probably is the future What a nuisance Okay let's do Jetpack drone Yeah Exactly Have a drone come drop off your new jetpack that would be sweet that's gonna be the future baby we okay look let's let's pretend

for a second i don't know when it's gonna happen but let's say a jetpack becomes commercial right like you can go say you can get one for like a grand two grand would you buy one oh fuck yeah absolutely 100 and you could control like how high you go you know what i mean imagine when people just start buying things like that and they're just it's like the flying car thing like every kid they're begging for an iphone right now and they're like oh my friends have a jetpack yeah yeah well you're only nine if your friend jumped off the bridge and tried to jet pack all the way would you do it would you do it yeah it sounds awesome your friend tried to jet back up a bridge

would you do it your friends all jump jet packed up to a bridge would you do it that's why we want them that's the whole point i'm stuck down here mom all my friends are on the bridge jet pack it's all these teenagers jetpacking around doing tiktok dances doing like the you don't have any daughters you're lucky in that sense no matter where i go with pepper she's always doing a tiktok dance well i have a nice target and like two nieces like you hear like a little squeak of the shoe and you look over and she's in her own world like doing like doing some sort of weird wiggled tiktok dance doesn't matter where they are music's just in her head yep she's just you

know working it out so flying around already goofy dangling legs doing doing tiktok dances while you're zipping through the neighborhood i wish i had a jetpack right now i'm fucking mad they have the videos of the guys going as fast as airplanes in the jet pack have you seen this shit oh it's so i'm i'm typing in can you buy a jet pack because i'm just curious like if there are any if there's one ready for you you could just if you could just go get one do you remember the guy that interrupted like the la flight patterns i guess that was i guess what i'm talking about yeah yeah but he was going like 300 wasn't he yeah it was nuts no okay you can buy price upon private request oh jetpack i think there's a background check jetpackaviation.com nice i mean would you do i mean jetpacks before flying cars, right? The only thing I worry about is like...

It's just like that's so much stuff on your back. What if it explodes? Yeah. What if anything happens, though? Flying car could blow up. Flying car could stop flying. Sure. Yeah.

Your car now that doesn't fly could stop working. Yeah. Your car could catch on fire. It's electric. It could. At any moment. So could any car. Yours has gasoline in it i'm gonna go

gasoline last time i checked burns pretty well i'm gonna go ahead and say the electric cars have caught on fire more than gasoline cars randomly you're throwing that out in there yeah randomly combusted a little more than than gas cars that sounds like you're a ev hater like per capita or just in general per car that's something that i don't have my unit of measurement would say i don't hate electric cars can i see your data no no you may not i was just thinking about on the drive over today people saying stuff like that all the time like oh yeah i remember like uh you know an ev drove off a cliff so all tesla's like what do they do and why are they even allowing teslas on the road you have any dudes drive off a fucking cliff all the time in a combustion engine car in any vehicle ever being

guys with vehicles that just happened a couple weeks ago where i live happens all the time yeah it probably happened right now we just talked about it and some dude was like i'm gonna drive this off the cliff he's like this show's so bad i'm gonna drive off cliff it sucks uh all right let's get off a jetpacks. Let's move on to the next deck. I wanna get off of jetpacks. We gotta move on. Okay. You got a dick for us? Yeah. Well,

show me that dick. Funny you say that. This is an older story. Okay. But I forget who shared this. Did I write it down? Yeah. Sent in by Ace of Spades. Yes. This is a high school in Kentuckyentucky is in hot water over teens in lingerie lap dancing on staff among other things why what's wrong what possibly could go wrong there yeah what's the issue i don't see it the the picture

is it's so it's dudes that were dressed up in lingerie, just full on stripper, rubbing up against teachers, the principal, the mayor. Where was this at? The mayor's name is Happy Mobilini. Happy Mobilini. That's fucking sweet and then so there's video of like girls dressed up in uh hooters outfits carrying around like what looks like beer and joints and like i'm not i'm you know like i love a little chaos but it's just crazy like especially like a southern conservative i'm guessing high school yeah is doing something like this where it's like

it's funny to me because it's like these first of all it's boys dressing up like girls in lingerie then sexy dancing all over people dude there's so many things that are going on do you remember uh whatever like little fundraisers your school had. Like we had, it was called Bacon Ball, which was cops versus the high school basketball team. It was called Bacon Ball. Bacon Ball. Yikes. To raise money. I thought that was like they smoked bacon.

Smoke weed. Oh. What? Oh, bacon. And then ball. Oh, no. That's just every day, dude. That's ball's life.

Yeah. It was fucking big, dude. No, you played against the cops. And that was always fun. We had Jackass Ball, which is when we'd ride donkeys around. No, you'd play it against the cops And that was always a fault We had jackass ball Which is when we'd ride donkeys around And then you'd play basketball

But it was with donkeys Who thought of that sport? And it just happened like that was a normal thing There's no way that my high school Invented donkey jackass basketball I'm pretty sure they did This dude Tours his basketball donkeys Around to high school school invented donkey jackass basketball no they did so i'm pretty sure they take someone tour like this dude tours his basketball donkeys around the high school he calls him he goes you guys

looking for something fun and unique and he's sail pitching they're like nay like i don't donkeys playing basketball he's like it's a lot of nobody's seen that right and they just did it every year because nobody's seeing it doesn't mean you should do it. But you know what we didn't see? I was trying to say. Lap dances in the gym. That's where I was going to go with this. Like, are you trying to defend this or like where are we going with this?

I'm saying those were like the fundraiser things that I had seen growing up. Never once were there students giving lap dances to staff in order to do some sort of staffs yeah their staff their staff the staff their staff members hey yo staff members staff members members staff members stiff members get it uh but there's so many like what a bad who thought how did it pass and this is oh and he said who's like yeah green light it like that sounds the kid said that they checked with the teachers and said it was all good yeah this was a prep rally before like a football game or something okay so it wasn't like raising money it was it was upping school spirit yeah they were just trying

to get laughs i guess even worse but there's a one of the he's doing for money the photos is like this dude this dude bent he's got full silk stocking remember that show oh yeah silk stockings a lingerie top bent over and the teacher's just like big old grin on his face this is weird isn't it delivering beer and joints and and dressed up in uh hooter costumes that's pretty good it seems pretty wild seems like a fucking sick pep rally if you ask me i'm not sure why they're getting in trouble you could imagine being one of the teacher or the principal or the mayor of the town and just be in there and be like what i know like do i do i play along? Like, yeah, I'm enjoying this. And how embarrassing it would be to walk out of there with cum in your pants?

Yeah. Like, imagine getting up to walk out of there and you're just poking through your pants. Your sweatpants. But you talking about that just got me thinking about other failed promotions that have happened out there. And I'm on a website. It's on ranker.com pulled it up here uh number one was hoover's free flight promotion and you get two free flights to america okay so what hoover did here is if you bought their 100 pound vacuum cleaner you got two free flights around Europe or to the United States. Was this on an airplane?

Yes. It was on a jet pack. I was wondering if, like, is this, I thought maybe it was like Edgar Hoover, or J. Edgar Hoover. Oh, that guy. And so he, that was like the frickin' hot air balloon. No, absolutely. The blimp. The blimp guy.

No, these are the suckers. The vacuum cleaners. So you spent a hundred pounds on it and you got two free flights in there so they must have forgotten that a transatlantic flight costs well over 100 pounds as a result of this uh more than 200 000 people bought the cheapest vacuum cleaner necessary why would to qualify for the promotion somebody's fired and everybody was fired like the entire marketing staff were like no that makes sense makes sense. How does that make it through? I don't know.

But I mean, you know, he's sitting there, he's begging for his job. He's like, we sold a ton of vacuums. That's all you just wanted to sell. You wanted to sell vacuums. I sold you vacuums. What's the problem? We're bankrupt. So we're bankrupt. Okay.

Did we sell a bunch of vacuums? So I did my job. Okay. You didn't specify. You just said, we need to sell vacuums so i did my job okay you didn't you didn't specify you just said we need to sell vacuums and i did that's what i told you hired me to do uh number two on the list is sunny company clothing's pamela bathing suit instagram giveaway so what they did was not recognize how many people were going to try to get this free bathing suit so they posted it up they said anybody it's like a baywatch inspired bathing suit retailed around for like 65 bucks

and they said anybody who shared the image would get a free bathing suit oops uh in 24 hours it gained over 338 000 likes and thousands of people reposted the image so they couldn't keep up with the demand and they ended up losing tons of money what the fuck so fucking funny uh coca-cola's maga cans campaign what the fuck is this did you know this happened so coca-cola for a while they were they were hiding actual money inside the cans of coke so as a giveaway you'd open it up and you might get like five bucks it was anywhere between one to five hundred and then to offset the weight of the can if there was money in it they would just fill it up with water instead of cocaine oh sorry instead of coke it was a callback joke that's fine uh and it ended up tasting like shit and people were

getting super sick from drinking it because the money obviously has a bunch of bacteria on it so that didn't work out number five red lobster's endless crab promotion this might be my favorite you never underestimate a buffet in america so they were banking on people uh for the endless crab dinner to maybe go back maybe twice uh that didn't happen so the endless crab special red lobster ended up losing 3.3 million dollars in seven weeks and lobsters went extinct dude people go up two or three four times on a regular night my god it's just so good chevy tahoe had a make your own commercial campaign and they weren't they weren't fielding the commercials so you just uploaded the video to their website and then people were talking about how terrible

the truck was or how much they hated their life oh my god and how much the truck was ruining their life and their website was just littered with it they're like well like when you let people name stuff yeah never gonna be a good one but i thought that was so funny man there's and there's tons it goes on and on and on starbucks race together campaign that one didn't go well like race you get it coca-cola feel the curves campaign it's just it's it's ridiculous have you seen the it was in cleveland and it was this giant balloon thing and i believe they're trying to break the record for the most balloons let go no is it the higher balloon thing that catches on fire

these are like individual balloons did you say cleveland i think it wasn't yeah i want to say it was in cleveland And it fucked us. And it's fucking, like everything got stuck to all the buildings and the water. Oh, yeah. Killed all the fish because all the balloons popped and went in the river. I did see that. Like who signs off on that? That was recent, wasn't it?

No, it was a while back. That was last week. And then I think it was Samsung had a balloon giveaway. We're onto the balloons. They tied like free giveaways for their new phone and then told everybody that all you had to do was catch one of the balloons. And then people went there with spears and BB guns to shoot the balloons down. And people are getting trampled trying to grab these balloons.

It's getting stabbed with spears. I love our planet. And they're like, whoops. There's not one guy that's sitting in that meeting it's like you guys think that this could happen bb guns and spears right no there's no way we're gonna get a spear in today's economy and this economy who's got a spear yeah right javelin yeah exactly but just so many failed promotions i love it i do love a good uh multi-million billion dollar company doing a promotion that goes completely fucking haywire you know it's bud light it's pretty good to me yeah that's one of them that's in there too

uh but it's a it's a nice giggle and a reminder that humanity will find a way to fuck up literally anything yeah yeah if given the chance given the chance it will always find a way to fuck up literally anything yeah yeah if given the chance given the chance it will always find a way to get fucked if given the chance we will let you down that's a quote that's a motto it says humanity yeah yeah murphy's law i think this planet loves irony it makes irony constantly well it's got lots of iron right yeah so that must be the reason and e all right let's take a look at some petty beef for this week does that sound good to you yeah what do we got uh let's take a look hey zach silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard

and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef petty petty beef what we got all right joe this was coming in from our older son slightly older son bill okay that's a fucking lie because there's no one named bill that's under 60 fair show show me that guy show me you show me that guy who do you think you are i I am. I am. All right. Hey, daddies. Hey. I have a huge beef with my wife and kids. Where we live, we have three separate trash receptacles.

Garbage, recycling, and compost. I can see them. I see the color. Every night, I clean the kitchen, but when I come home from work the next day, the kitchen sink is full of trash plastic and dishes like i'm the only one who knows how to separate the garbage the sink hmm the sink okay kitchen sink i'll make sure i read that right that's not where garbage goes fuck that i'm already mad fuck your fuck this family like am i the only one who knows how to separate garbage no apparently the only one who knows how to throw garbage away you're in the the only one who knows how to throw garbage away in a trash can.

Is this the trash? No, that's the sink. That's the tub. Oh, sorry. Sorry. I must be stupid. Oops. Whoops.

You just do it so much better, Dad. You do it. I can't do it. This is a trash can to me. That's a guy fucking up the laundry so his wife won't let him do it anymore. I'm so dumb. Yeah. My wife gets mad at me for complaining about the fact that

she made me buy separate containers for all three and everybody using the sink has a trash transfer station. I hold weekly family meetings or seminars on how to use the garbage can but nobody seems to learn help me please i'm going

postal here fuck thank you old guy bill dude that would drive me insane he has to hold weekly meetings and they still don't get it come on bill they're fucking you. I'm not trying to be mean here. But what are the IQ on these kids? And his wife. I mean, wife at least knows where it's supposed to be going. Does she? She said that, yeah, the wife gets mad at it, complaining about the fact that she made me buy separate containers for all three and everyone's using the sink.

Like, he's the one that's making them use the sink, is what it sounds like. Like, the wife's like, how come they keep they keep throwing in the sink you bought all three containers? Isn't that what that sentence is saying? That's not what I'm getting my wife gets mad at me for complaining about the fact that she made me buy. Okay got it Oh my So he he's mad that she made him buy the three things Yeah, but then why me the mind the kids are still using this you wanted me to buy these and you fucking people aren't even using it but the argument here isn't even about the fucking

containers no it's about where trash goes god it's about a garbage first of all you need to establish a trash can you establish a dominance dominance you need to start punching punching people booby trapping hit the least of his concerns is separating those three things the first concern is learning how to throw trash garbage in a garbage can you can work your way up to separating the trash yeah then then once you realize okay this is all trash now let's divvy it up is that a normal thing it can't be like. Like, is that... Am I missing the point? Do people just throw bottles and plastic dishes?

The only thing that makes sense is dishes. Yeah, dishes go in there. I like that. I'm guessing, and I don't know for sure, but he says he has the three containers.

He has garbage, recycling, and compost. The kids going out, like, they mow the lawn. Good job. And they're raking up the dead grass and then going inside and throwing it in the sink.

Pick up a bunch of dog shit and then just like come on in and just go, just throw it in the sink. I don't know where it goes. Dad'll do it. He walked right by the compost. On the way in to throw the shit and grass into the kitchen sink. This guy sounds like he's raising morons sorry i know bill i mean i won't i love you i get the frustration here there might be something we're missing but it seems like you need to leave your family yeah like they think

the disposal is an actual garbage disposal sorry what was that again yeah maybe they think the garbage disposal is an actual it's it's where it's going to actually dispose of trash. They think the garbage disposal is a wood chipper? Basically. That'd be sweet. If your garbage disposal could get rid of anything. You just. Just shoving sticks.

Ripping it through the window. Jamming straight in. Did you get a wood chipper? No. Have you seen how wood chipper? No. Have you seen how high quality my garbage disposal is? No. Throwing food in the wood chipper and wood in the... Grinding out Gatorade bottles.

Just shoots them out the front of your house. Yeah, I feel like maybe there's a typo or if this is playing out the way he's saying, I feel like there's something we're missing. I've never known a family that just throws shit in the sink. Just throws trash in the sink. Trash, plastic, and dishes. What the fuck is happening? I'm wondering what the trash means. Is it like someone drank Gatorade?

You know what I mean? means is that like someone drank like a gate let's say they drank gatorade you know i mean like they drink they had gatorade the dish and they it was on you just threw it in the sink whatever but if it's just like if like they're they're using something and they're like oh this pad of paper's trash throw in the sink sink like if that's what's happening there's a major problem it's a nightmare hey son you take out the trash no problem he takes the trash out and just whacks whips it over and throws it in the sink thanks son you're welcome dad i'm guessing it has to be some sort of recycling thing like clean the bottle out i don't know man like empty water bottles yeah like you know aquafina water bottles yeah oh yeah and they're just throwing them in there because they're like i don't know, man. Like empty water bottles. Yeah. Like, you know, Aquafina water bottles.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And they're just throwing them in there because they're like, I don't know what to do with them. Yeah. That has to be it. I don't know who wants them. That has to. Yeah.

That's what I was thinking. The only way. It's the only explanation for that. Yeah. Well, Bill, you're not wrong. There's two options. Either you need to have like a heart to heart with your kids. He does every fucking week. He has seminar he says he does picturing that seminar every week yeah

calls the calls a meeting it's monday you know what that means the sink the kids walk in there he's got a suit and tie on standing at the sink he's got he's got a laser pointer they're just throwing trash into the sink while he's talking. They have the little chairs. They're sitting there drinking water. As he's doing a PowerPoint presentation. He has a pull-down projector he's installed over the top of the sink. You know, like a little pointer.

He's whipping it. He goes, this is a sink. And then, next slide. This is a trash can. And he goes back and forth between sink and trash can for 20 minutes next slide next slide please this is a different sink the night before this is the same sink from a different angle yeah he's working on the powerpoint the night before he's like i'm gonna throw this he's beating himself up yeah god what am i doing wrong i need a better picture of a sink he's like i maybe i mean it looks like a sink to me but these i'm just not i'm not i'm not getting through to these kids there are

things like i get it like my kids won't listen to it you feel like you have to repeat yourself and there's things like my wife leaves lights on or leaves things unlocked and it's yeah like we all have those things i do certain things that she we all have those things that drives you crazy but he's either got to leave them or accept the fact that he's raising animals. That's kind of what I'm going for. Bill, give up, man. You got to go. Start a new family.

It's not too late. How old are you? If you're slightly older, you got time. Rip the sink out and just put the trash underneath so they think they're throwing the sink and they're actually putting the trash. You put little sinks over the top of each trash can little mini sinks with big openings training sinks training sinks it's like a potty training the faucets on there and everything that's so many water hookups and all that

just to train them yeah i gotta make it look real jesus christ sorry about that on that random sneeze note should we move on yeah i feel like we made our point that's that's he needs to leave his family yeah bill leave your family hey zach go ahead buddy so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we are doomed yeah i hope we don't get an email that says bill left his family yeah i mean outgrew his family well who knows he might be like hey i took your advice i left and then the next email we get after that from bill is like my life has never been better yeah like people are using trash cans etc yeah that's the only example he has that's all it takes to turn his life around life has never been better never been better people are putting trash where trash goes and dishes are

going where dishes go i feel fulfilled i feel fulfilled i thank you guys for all of my success we've covered stories of people like uh winning the lottery right yeah like random stuff or they win it a bunch of times this one one, just the lead up kills me. It's really funny. But it says, man finds out about a $3 million lottery jackpot a month after the drawing. Okay? And the reason why it's funny, to me at least, I'll tell you in a second. But a Utah man who decided to take two trips to Idaho to buy Mega Millions tickets.

Taking my winnings! Yep, bitch. Ended up winning three million, but he didn't know until a month later. So he regularly regularly. That's such a stupid word. I hate that word. Regularly eradicate it. Drives to

Mallard to buy lottery tickets and he ended up making two trips in one weekend to make sure he had enough tickets for the July 4th Mega Millions drawing when the jackpot was about $400 million. Playing the lottery is my hobby. When I didn't win the jackpot on that Friday, I thought, I need a ticket for the 4th of July. So I drove back to Mallet on Saturday, he said. I bought all the games, including Mega Millions.

I had a lot of tickets. So many tickets, dude. So many tickets, bro. All the losers, I just threw them in the sink when I got home. So his ticket matched the first five numbers, earning a $1 million prize that was transferred up to $3 million, because he had the mega-plyer number for that drawing, which came up as three. He says the winner plans to invest his prize money.

I'm taking this right to the bank and depositing it. That's the opposite of investing, by the way. That is. Yeah, he's like, I'm going to take it and put it right where nothing will happen to it. 3% of his bearing account. I planned, why are those two sentences together? I didn't notice that the first time I read it. The winner said he plans to invest the money. Quote

from him, I'm taking it right to the bank and depositing it. To get that.003%. I'm assuming he's not going to spend any of it he's going to put it in there then he's going to figure out where he's going to invest it let's give him the benefit of the doubt here well he didn't find out

it's his hobby and he didn't figure it out for a month later so maybe we're not dealing with the smartest of fellas we're dealing with Bill's kids imagine your hobby is um anything okay picture it and then you just like don't worry about it yeah uh a quick note before i bounce over to uh the funny the funny that i pulled from this article um it bothers the shit out of me when people say that's a good investment when they're buying like a couch, right? Or a car.

It holds its value. You know, hold my ass. That's it. Yeah. You're like, I don't know, man. It's a good investment. No, it's not. It's either this couch or Bitcoin.

Right. No, an investment is a thing that has a chance to go up from the money you put into it. Yeah. If you are buying something, if you're buying a car and you're like, I don't know, good investment. No, it's not because the second you own it it's worth less money it will never be worth more unless you have a classic car unless you buy an old beater classic car and fix it up and now it's worth so investment

grotty boom buying a couch being like i don't know this recliner is a good investment no it's not it's a fucking thing you bought you're saying it's an investment to make yourself feel better if i come on it a lot that'll raise the price the value deposit you get it i'm happy to help baby i've made several deposits no so this uh this fella what killed me about this story was that i guess i like to imagine that he had the worst month of his life leading up to him finding out that he won $3 million. Like it was the worst. The work, the boss was riding his ass. All this shit that didn't need to happen.

Whatever, like his wife left him. His hobby wasn't going well. Yeah, just his life was complete shit. His kids are stupid. Yeah, his kids are throwing trash in the sink. He can't reach them. he's doing cool hip-hop dances he's putting just going back to the petty beef he's doing like cool dances like trying to be hip he's like making up tiktok the sink is not the trash dance no yeah yeah yeah um no but this

guy like just the worst shit commercials and it never had to happen he just didn't check his lottery ticket like he's on he's about to just fucking bow out yeah he's on the verge of ending it yeah i'm just leaving this planet and he none of it had to happen if he sort of checked his fucking lottery ticket i don't know why that's just like he normally did right that's that's why i'm confused i'm sure there's like i said i'm sure there's more to it but if it's something is your hobby and you it's the thing that you look forward to doing how would you not know you won i don't know i don't know but a month later what a surprise i'm trying to be a dick but i'd like to know if anything new or crazy happened here he had spending doing something fucking stupid that he never would have done if he had the money he's like complaining he's like apologizing for investing in that new recliner

to his wife and then later he's like told you told you that was a good investment he's investing in himself yeah you're all covered babe anyway i want a divorce why i want three million dollars i want to keep it myself yeah i don't want you to have it actually you can't do that do you remember that story that happened here in idaho uh maybe zach does but a lady i think a lady won a bunch of millions like over a hundred million and they were in the middle of a divorce so they weren't divorced yet and the husband got half of it good for him good for him yeah what you don't know that what if he was an abusive piece of shit i he might have been but it's nice to the guys win one every time there's a divorce boxing match no you hear the stories about the johnny carson

yeah had to give up half his fortune he's the one out there cracking jokes not his wife no yeah but she won and because they were still going through the divorce and it wasn't final she tried to hide it but couldn't it had to be like publicly announced to a degree like had to make sure that he's doing it every time i'm so happy what's your name again we can't hear you did you say emily she has a really really distinct hairdo and the silhouette is just she's she's playing it all back through a talk boy i said my name was kevin mccallister the father the father credit card you got it you know that's that's movies like that are so funny the entire it's like the movie was made just to sell a talk boy.

And I had one. Yeah. So do we. Fuck. Yeah, you did. Zach. I did not.

God, I suck. Your voice is the top. The deep setting on the talk boy is Zach's voice. They modeled it after that. The father, Peter, what's the lowest you can go?

What me? Like limbo. That's some, that's some Pete right there. The father Peter McAllister What's the lowest you can go? What me? Like limbo? That's some Pete Right there Pete Steele right there Rock 94 and a half The father With a sweet

With one of those refrigerators You have to open with a key Credit card? No problem Fuck I still think the first one's better but yeah well should we um skip fork let's hear from our kids this week is that something we should do i want to jump forward to hey guys for this one does that sound good yeah that's fine okay i guess i guess man um okay let's do it because the the thing that you found this week i think

we should spend a little more time on it than the time we have for this week. So let's hear from the children. Let's do some hey guys. Hey, Zach! Hey, you guys! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

Wow. Wow, that's cool. Stuart. Stuart. I'll do it. Okay, go ahead. ahead i'm gonna jump in on here this is from our son austin okay hey guys hey i'm making my way through the back catalog and making my way downtown sorry that's where i went to yep making my way i'm now i can't even read trying to read it without without making my way back to the catalog.

And I listen to y'all talk about your big purchases without asking your significant others. Yeah. My story is not about me. But about my dad. Here we go. So the story takes place in Hilliard, Ohio. Is that anything like Hilliard, Spokane? I don't know.

It's Hilliard. There's like an extra I in there I'm not used to. Hilliard? No, that's what makes the yard sound. If it would just be Hillard. Hillard! That'd be a sweet name. Hillard!

Okay. Hilliard, Ohio. Where my dad's family lives. Mm-hmm. And they love riding four-wheelers. Every year we'd go up there and they would take us four-wheeling and my dad would talk about buying a four-wheeler for himself every time they would take us out. I get that.

One year, when my stepmom didn't make the trip with us to Ohio, my dad decided to go to a Polaris dealership and buy a four-wheeler the day before we went out four-wheeling. God, I know that impulse to do that. Like, I don't want to show up without a four-wheeler again. Oh, God, dude. Like a fucking idiot. Things you would never, like, I i just no way i can buy this and then it's like but everyone's coming fuck it fuck it let's do it yeah um i'll sleep on the couch i can't remember how much he spent on the four-wheeler but it gets worse than him just

making the big purchase without asking okay after we got back from four-wheeling my uncle had an idea of parking my dad's four-wheeler in the middle of his two four-wheelers because they they live people, what? Where they live. Where they live, people steal shit. Kind of like Hilliard Spokane. Sounds like it. When we got up the next morning, we saw that my dad's four-wheeler was stolen.

Oh, no. We could also see in the dew on the grass that whoever stole his four-wheeler targeted his four-wheeler, and they didn't touch my uncle's four-wheelers. Okay. I remember how pissed my stepmom was about, one, my dad bought a four-wheeler and they didn't touch my uncle's four-wheelers. Okay. I remember how pissed my stepmom was about, one, my dad bought a four-wheeler without asking her, and two, that it was stolen and now he had nothing to show for his purchase. Yeah, that does suck. Didn't even have that thing to like, well, she's mad at me, but at least I can still

have fun. Yeah. At least I can still get the fuck out of here on my new four-wheeler. My dad never got his four-wheeler back. And after years of being missing, we found found out the dealership that he had bought the four-wheeler and had been investigated for a scam they would pull they would sell four-wheelers and then they would go and steal the four-wheeler and then resell what the fuck we were thinking that's what happened to my dad we still laugh about it to this time well he isn't laughing love the podcast

keep a good work brian is someone who is reading challenged i feel your pain i gotta say lately i've been zipping through these fucking emails crushing it yeah doing a good job that'd be so that's crazy though that'd be awful that's greasy as shit if that's what they did i know and uh not a bad business though if you can get away with it that's's a sick... Yeah, I mean, think about it. If you could be a real estate person and buy a house and then also get them kicked out of the house and then get the house back. Like, you owned a bank and a real estate company? So you could buy the house with the...

Yeah, dude, that's... You know that's what happens all the time. I'm sure there's some shit. We're talking about several businesses that are going on, creating their own market. We can't be the first ones that just thought of that. What if we fucked people over? Oh, yeah. McDonald's.

I'll buy the land. I'll put a McDonald's on it so I can pay myself rent. Then, when the ice cream machine goes out, I'll pay the company that I own to fix the ice cream machine. It's beautiful. And it'll never work, so then we get to pay them a lot of money. It's a never-ending process. It's wonderful. Oh, I don't get a then we get to pay them a lot of money. It's a never-ending process. It's wonderful. Oh, I don't get a vanilla cone?

Fuck you. Fuck you, McDonald's. What a piece of... Well, Austin, I hope you guys have come to terms with the fact that you guys probably didn't get fucked over by that company. Our second email is coming in from our redacted named daughter, who writes, Hey, daddies, and uncle Zachy. It says, Joe, don't yell at him.

You can yell at me. I feel like I should yell at him. You can yell at me right now. I don't want to. I feel nice. You've yelled quite a bit. Enough for the show. It's your daughter.

Name redacted again. Again? Well, fuck. She really doesn't want her name out. So as I was driving home from work, I was listening to Spaceship Barbie Sheets Pickleball. You guys were talking about our good old friend friend the bed shitter in Petty Beef. And I thought I'd write in with just a handful of fun stories that I have from working and managing a campground since it's similar to hotels, I guess. Who put a question mark on a teleprompter?

If you read this on the show, I've changed the names in the story and didn't name the campground for HR reasons. Yes. The places and names have been changed to hide the identity. Protect their privacy or whatever. So I work at a campground in New Hampshire. I wanted to just come up with a name really quick. So I work at Middle Meadows Campground in New Hampshire. Whispering Winds.

And I've been working here since December. During the off season, we do all the planning and bullshit, yadaada yada, during the season, which runs from May to October. And that's when things get interesting. Now, this is my first season running a campground, so I wasn't sure on what I was in for. Into the ground. But by the time Memorial Day rolled around, boy, oh boy, did I realize what was going to be happening this season. Here are a couple of things off the top of my head that happened during memorial day weekend just to give you guys a taste of what i went through somebody was prostituting himself out in the bathhouse in that same bathhouse we

had people flushing towels down the toilet and then shitting on top of the clogs i mean why we had one guy running around yelling about how much he loves cocaine I mean it feels like this could be the same guy related to Bill's kids the same guy these are Bill's kids Bill kids uh the sinks were full of trash just kidding uh we had smeared yeah we had shit smeared all over the inside of the bathhouse, throw up on almost every corner of the campground. And that was all just in one weekend. Now, this doesn't include some of our employees that live on the property. One couple in particular have an interesting end to their employment.

Let's call these employees Tabitha and Mike. There's no period. He says Mike Tabitha. Tabitha was great. She did her job very well. Mike, on the other hand, was a potato in every sense of the meaning. Just a potato in every sense of the meaning just a potato they were working for us for a couple of weeks and things were iffy but we needed to the staff so we kept them on until one day i am driving by their site in broad daylight maybe like 2 p.m on a tuesday and i look over to see tabitha giving Mike a blowjob in broad daylight, no coverage,

and their kids are just running around like R-words. He's just giving them a blowy. Now, I was shocked and a little confused. He was on the clock when this was happening, so obviously they were let go. What a way to get paid. Yeah, I mean, come on. What's the big deal?

Come on. These are just a few things that I've witnessed and had to deal with as the campground manager. I have an abundance of stories like these ones love you guys keep up the good work uh lol your impatient daughter who voice texts or emails to you guys because she doesn't want to wait to get home to type them name redacted it's pretty funny that's pure chaos that's like a remember wet a wet hot summer or whatever. It just reminds me of something like that. Just fucking party.

What is happening here? I picture the blowjob situation, but just in a field, the grass is dead, is what I picture. Mike's getting his dick sucked. The kids are just running around

them but like mommy's touching daddy mommy's kissing daddy's wiener and they're just running duck duck duck dick dick yeah and they have like like little bubble makers ew mommy's kissing daddy's wiener yeah cooties in your mouth hole because the bubbles and like pushing one of those little popcorn, like lawnmower, brrrr, yeah. Just brrrr, running around.

Hey, keep it down! Keep it down! I'm never going to come like this. Ooh. Um, anyway, that was episode 62.

Yay. Did you have some fun? I had some fun. That was fun. If you want to support us on Patreon, you'll find a link in the episode description. If you're too lazy for that, just go to patreon.com slash canyoudon'tpodcast.

Thanks to everybody who's done that. There's three tiers to choose from. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at canyoudon'tpodcast. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Something you want to see on the show, email it in to heyguys at canyoudon'tpodcast and rate and review us. And of course, Uncle Zach. Looking forward to that new segment next week, dude.

Hell yeah. I can't wait to sit in your lap I can't wait to have both of you on my lap What are you going to bring in, man? I don't know Can I pay you for a little inside scoop? Lap side, no What did you say?

Lap stuff Yeah, I have to pay for a lap dance I don't want to have any sort of inside on the lap talk You didn't specify what was happening on the lap Oh yeah, true That's fair Be sure to check out everything Uncle Zach does Go to scatcast.com sort of inside on the laptop. You didn't specify what was happening on the lap. Oh, yeah, true. That's fair. Be sure to check out everything Uncle Zach does.

Go to scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. And a big thanks to the babysitters. He's the scat man. Give it a ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-boop. Or whatever. Be-ba-ba-ba-da-boop. There it is. Thanks to the babysitters who moderate our Facebook page,

the Ken Udon Playground. Go ahead and join that if you're having lots of fun in there. We're going to do a joke. And I made this one up it's cute come on you ready for it i am okay you zach is that better be good good god wrap it up already huh although i wouldn't be surprised it was starting out there it's not that good ready how? Don't be so hard on yourself. How does a farmer keep track of all his cows? Prod. By using his cattle log. Yikes.

Now that's pretty good. Thank you. I mean, it hits all the dad joke qualifications. Yeah, it hits. It does. It checks out. Cattle log. and checks out yeah you get it good stuff huh cheese bumps cheese bumps yeah if a dad joke is so cheesy it gives you

goosebumps cheese bumps cheese bumps cringe bum turds come turds same thing as i mean that's just anal sex am i right um okay all of you that subscribe to us on patreon the show keeps going all you kids that do not do that we'll see you guys next week everybody Bye.