Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Whoops. Natural Gas. Pasture. Tree Well.

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

If you had to get a QR code tattooed above your genitals, what would it link people to when they scanned it? Let's talk about that, teaching a bird to be a total creep, being the talent scout for the St. Jude commercials, pulling a machete on a karaoke DJ for not letting you sing another song, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/07cq0sM6N0MSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

whoops natural gas pasture tree well episode 43 yeah nothing cool about 43 except for this episode right i mean we're on 43 right i think so one of those weird i'm like i don't am i in the right spot 43 doesn't matter remember when we talked about how you're going to be sad if the uh mariners lost to the guardians in the series that was last week i remember that yeah yeah gotcha that's okay Mariners are good They're good They're gonna be totally fine It's just If we ever meet up

In the World Series Well that's impossible Because they're both In the American League Oh yeah that's right If they have to get the pennant Sorry you'll lose it The last time this happened

It was 1995 And they were the Indians then And they beat us Yes they did Well I love you You look good today Thanks I'm wearing my

Like a jumpsuit type of thing i know i'm waiting for you to like do a break can you do a little break dance move i need cardboard though oh you have cardboard that i can throw in the middle weird i was just telling pepper who at the time was not interested in anything i was saying about the uh the days go by by what was the vega boys or whatever was i don know. Days go by and still I think of you. What? In the whole video is the guy that you... Maybe you're doing a terrible job of reenacting because I'm not getting...

I feel like that was there. Hold on. I'm going to... I think it said Vegas Boys or Vega Boys. Days Go By. We're going to do it right now. We haven't done this in a bit. We haven't looked up a song out the gate.

Venga. Venga boys and the the video is of a dude that keeps showing up to the same spot every single day in front of it am i in the fucking right band anymore no god damn it hold on jesus christ what a days go by music video where he goes back to the same like place every single oh dirty vegas that makes more sense is that it that's gotta be it come on come on don't don't put it just play it loading up you guys i know some of you are angry you know what i'm talking about yes you're You're going to know this song. There's no way you don't know this song. We'll see. That intro, though.

How about we get to the meat? All right, I'll get to the meat. Yeah, is this the right song? Fuck. So far. Come on. Okay. Oh, that sounds familiar.

Okay, the music sounds familiar hold on guys I'm sorry what the fuck is happening is this a remix this is not the original version

this is gonna be a remix dude this is depressing This is not the original version. This is going to be a remix. Dude, this is depressing. That sounds familiar, yeah. The entire video is of a guy that shows up to the same spot when his wife died and he dances to try and bring her back every year.

No matter what he's doing, he goes back and puts his cardboard out and break dances in front of this restaurant he put he uses cardboard that's great god what a we did that in high school uh there was like asb elections going on and uh i forget one of our friends was was running for something and right in the middle of his thing our whole thing we came out and like one of my buddies had like the 76ers get up like a warm-up white suit gold chains and we came out we brought out cardboard threw it on the ground and just did the worst break dancing you've ever seen just flapped around a jock it was basically uh yeah y'all ready for this just skipping out with your cardboard box.

It was so bad. Dude, I was doing the whole like... I bet you were. Doing all the moves. Did you have fingerless leather gloves? I didn't. That would have helped. Would have changed everything.

Quick update before we get into the show today. Actually, a couple of them. But last week, we were talking about this particular thing, and then our son Dylan sent this in. You ready? He says, what's up, fuckers? I think that's a theme. Everyone's just like, hey, fuck you guys.

One of your Nebraska sons writing in here, I heard the comment you said at the beginning of the show about how farmers never go on big vacations. And I just wanted to let you know that you are wrong. One of our family friends owns a farm in western Nebraska. And every year, he and his wife take a month-long trip to Cancun, Mexico to get away from the bleak Midwestern winters. Apparently the corn business is doing good. Anyways, love the show. Keep on doing what you're doing. Dylan.

Yeah. That's funny. Yeah, you probably won't want to do that now in Cancun. There's a bunch of warnings. Yeah, there's people dying all over the place. Bring some corn. Well, we were wrong, I guess. I mean, obviously some people do. it's just i haven't met one yeah there's been a couple emails of uh of people meeting

farmers while on vacation so i guess you know bite bite my tongue and then before we get in to the question to start up this show this was something that just carries on from the theme that we've addressed throughout can you don't with radio sweepers and how funny they are it's like you're now listening to the best best place the big 99 99 99 99 the hawk the hawk hawk hawk hawk. So this happened on Octane Radio. Okay. Just a couple days ago. Octane is like metal?

Octane is like active rock. It's on satellite SiriusXM. Yeah, I'm used to listening to that. I mean, usually pretty good station. It's fine. I mean, some of the new stuff rolls up and you're like, are you guys just copying the other people that did this last week? But anyway, so i'm listening

and i'm driving home with the kids and uh this sweeper comes on you know if you don't know what a sweeper it's what we just did it's in between songs it tells you what station you're listening to and how fucking cool it is that you're there the hardest rock in the fucking world right all right promo's the morning show okay that's a sweeper okay so i'm listening to octane and this thing comes on and it is just it is going legendary right it's like you are now listening to the most baddest rock station in the world giant put your hands up playing only the newest rock across the nation. It's like, it's like, octane. And then he goes,

Look at his photograph! I almost died! Dude! Only the newest and hardest rock. The fucking most ripping. Your head's gonna fucking explode. only the newest and hardest rock the fucking most ripping right you're gonna

your head's gonna fucking explode look at this photograph you see that little acoustic look at this and I'm just like

fucking no way every time I do it makes me laugh I had to pull off the road I almost died that's hilarious I was laughing really really hard

like you're thinking in the moment you're like dude what are they gonna play what is coming up oh my god there's some shit

I've never heard it's just gonna come out of the gate hard what the hell is on Joey's head I'm like oh my god alright okay you ready to get into it

it is a good song though I mean yeah it is look at I'm gonna have a hard time not doing that for the rest of this shit look at this photograph

how do I do it make me laugh every time I hear me laugh what the hell is on Joey's head it's a K are you ready she's the first gift

girl I kissed what's the nervous that I nearly missed something back then what the hell is on Joey's head alright here we go

ready dude Joey needs to get his shit together. Yeah, just get that shit off your head. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Oh, hi. No. Every time.

Oh, we're not doing that anymore? Pants, feet. Feet. Pants. Feet, pants. Pants, pants. Okay. So here's the question. Pants. Pants. Okay. So here's the question.

I'm very excited about this one. If you had to get a QR code tattooed, you know, either above your genitals. So peen, vagene. Okay. Or on your butt cheek. Okay. What would that QR code link to when people scanned it? Oh, no.

Like where? Where would it bring you? Usually it's a menu. Yeah, or like a beer list. It's like, here's our active taps. Yeah. But in this case, if you had to get a QR code, what would you have it link out to? Well, playing off the menu thing, that would be kind of funny. Like, you scan it, and it says, like, here's the menu, like that would be kind of funny. You scan it, and it says, here's the menu.

Fucked hard. Fucked slow. Oh, yeah. What you like. Yeah. It's like a little thing. It's like a little rope play, but not too much. Gives you a little rundown.

Yeah. Or sends you to like a survey monkey. Survey monkey. You got to fill something out about your performance after yeah oh yeah rating system dude can you imagine fucking somebody and like you're like does that feel good you're like feels amazing would you mind taking a quick survey stay tuned yeah after this after this it means a lot to us would you mind taking a quick survey and you're like what you're like yeah sure i don't fuck yeah yeah, sure. I don't fuck. Yeah.

Whatever you want. Okay, great. And then just back to having sex again. But there's so many things. You want to know what the first thing that came to my head? Yes. Okay. So it's not on my butt.

It's a QR code right above my penis. Okay. All right. And it links you to a digital guest book. Okay. Where you can sign in and you can date and you can leave a review write a little leave a review if i could leave zero stars i would like there's so many and you just like you know scan in before you before it's like hey before you do anything you don't want to do and you just pull your pants down just enough to show the qr code you're like you know take a peek

consent like a right it's consensual like a little form but like nor code you're like you know take a peek consent like a right it's consensual like a little form but like no it's like it's like just take a peek at the reviews and just you know pull your pants okay okay and she's she's thumbing through she's looking through the one and you're naked just standing there hoping for the best just waiting dude it's so good or like you scan it and what if you didn't like okay we're having sex with a lady and you know naked and she's got the qr code of above the vagina right okay and you you skip beep you scan it it's like this is your pussy kevin and she goes god damn i forgot to update it yeah it's gonna be the wrong name who the fuck is kevin because i'm sorry sorry sorry hold on let me turn over and you scan it's like beep it's like happy anniversary kevin

you know i do i always do anal on our anniversary she's like fuck i thought i up you're like i don't listen i'm just gonna go like i can't i there's no way we're working through this one she didn't do the uh the update overnight it wasn't plugged in through this one. She didn't do the update overnight. It wasn't plugged in. She thought she did. She just didn't do it right. Yeah. She's like, do you mind if I go in the bathroom and freshen up?

And all she's doing is updating her QR code. She's like, fuck, what was his name again? She's like, I know it's either Joe or Joel. So she just puts both in. This is your pussy, Joe slash Joel. So she just puts both in. This is your pussy, Joe slash Joel. It's like a different voice. Now it sounds like a... Oh, it's so funny.

Well, imagine if it was like a three-way or something. You have to log in. Yeah. You've got to put in your credentials. You log in every time. And then, oh, maybe that's what it was. Yeah. Kevin didn't log out out i forgot to log out

yeah they're sharing an account yeah so he he was still logged in didn't clear his didn't clear his sign-in credentials right uh dude the okay so imagine the situation it's a it's a one night stand you've you've just done You've just got into things, got heavy, fast, sexy, sweaty, and wonderful sex.

And you are walking this lady to the front door. She's like, she has to work early. So you walk her to the front door. What a gentleman. Yeah, you're like, oh, you know, had a great night.

She's like, me too. You know, I can't wait to see you again. Like you too. Like one more kiss. And you open the door and she's walking away. And you go, wait, hold on a second. She goes, she goes what she turns around and you pull your pants down a little

bit and she goes i forgot he goes i forgot to have you uh scan this qr code she's like okay and she scans it he said and he goes okay enter promo code whoops at checkout and get 20% off the plan B at your local Walgreens. Whoops. And she's like, what? You're like, you're welcome. He's like, oh, I forgot to pull out. I almost forgot. Scan this really quick. Enter promo code Brian at checkout, right? To save 30 cents at Taco Bell,

like whatever the fuck the promo is. And she's like oh my god thank you so much and then she texts you later she goes it's not working and you're like no it's brian with a y yeah it's gotta be all caps are you using all caps yeah like all the marketing shit you could have like anything napa like you scan your like scan your butt and it just saves you like 30 bucks off your next car battery you're like what the fuck is happening if i i visualize like the um ah fuck what is it gonna say what the the the promo code yeah but you're fuck i forgot what i was gonna say

entering it wrong not all caps uppercase lowercase. No, it was snow. It'll come back. Come on. Keep talking? Yeah, keep talking. Fuck! And then, you know, having sex. And right beforehand, you're like, hey, baby.

She's like, well, you go scan this real quick. And she scans it and just opens up a trailer. It's about how hard she's about to get plowed. This summer. Right now. You're about to. It's all these voices being like, Yeah. Yeah. I'm fucked.

I'm fucking you. You're about to get fucked. By Joe Paisley. It's like. It's just like a WWE to get fucked by John Paisley! It's like, it's just like a WWE entrance song. She just looks over and you're like, yeah.

You're laying in bed and she's watching on her phone and she looks up and you're just kind of giving her the yeah. You like that? I got that off F fiverr like whatever outsourced website cost me 10 bucks looks like a charm or like back to the dating app you scan it and it's like brings up a list of your meds like just so i was gonna say like your medical well oh okay this is a different thing but a medical history so like let's go back to the one night stand thing.

She's like, do you have a condom? He's like, I don't. She's like, okay, well, let me check. She scans his QR code. It takes him to his MyChart. He's like, okay, last time you got checked here. He basically goes through the whole thing to make sure that he's clear of any AIDS or or right stds or something this isn't funny at all but if since you said that i have to bring it up oh okay maybe yeah fine scan the code but after

sex and then like this shitty gif of like a like a like a happy balloon he's like you just got it you've got aids but it's in like the the yahoo you've got or the aol thing it's like you've got aids and then like the old windows 95 startup noise oh god i'm terrible with that oh my god oh man there's so many things i mean i love the the the coupon thing oh i remember what i was gonna say now so going back to the whoops thing. So when you put in that code, it sends like a thing to a pharmacy and it's like, it's delivered to you like a door dash or something. So like, and then some guy shows up and brings you. Just drops it off.

Yeah. He goes, you don't have to worry about anything. Just go home. Like a little, you scan it and like, like a dozen roses can deliver like, you know, to your location with a, I know it says, whoops.

Yeah. I know if it says, it says, I'm so sorry. Uh, five seconds, probably the best five seconds. Am I right?

You have the same, am I right? Am I right? Hey, but there's so many options. Yeah. It's, it's not even all sexual.

No, you could sell your whole body to promo codes um oh my god i just thought of one i mean you could put one well no i was gonna it's gotta be above your i was gonna say put it one on your forehead well sure what would it be i don't know just anything better help it could be well oh well see now we could take a whole different angle here like everything is advertising yeah it's like your your qr code here so you're walking around town looking for it this is prime space right here got and so someone hey what you know you they ask you about your ask me about my

forehead or whatever right scan my forehead yeah and then it's like uh it sends him to yeah like a dick pic or dick not a dick pic a dick pill or something like that like above your dick it's like the hymns or viagra see this is market this is just marketing now baby but man i thought about that for so long i would definitely it would be 100 funny for me like it's going to be funny there's no way I'm going to be, like, a serious thing. Like, on, you know, like, a tramp stamp. Like, it says, like, do you really love me? Like, you scan it. It just brings up this, like, do you really love me?

Like, a little animation video. And you're like, I don't know. Or, like, some sort of, oh, my God. Okay. Last thing, and then we can move on. But I can't not say this. All right. There's QR code above a vagina okay okay so you you scan it

and it opens before after uh before okay she's like she goes hey you want to scan this thing like yeah and you scan it and it brings up a digital slot machine oh my god and if you were a prostitute like it's like it's like a discount thing you're about to find out how much you're about to pay uh but she's like go ahead pull the handle and you're like all right but you pull it and then depending on what you get is what sex you're about to have you're like i got three cherries she goes hand job three cherries god damn it you get nothing she's like oh get out but if a guy had that can you imagine him using that at a bar hear me out hear me out you're walking up to this chick hey and you're like hey baby she goes hey you guys having a good night? Yeah. And you're like, what a chance to win $500?

All you have to do. Does he whip his? I don't know. I didn't get that far. Well, so I guess you don't have to whip your, so all you got to do is pull it down

just enough to show the QR code. Right. So you're sitting in the bar, she does it. And what are the options? I mean, it goes on and on and on. I was thinking you just don't show them until, you know, later. Because that's like your pickup line.

But what? Group of girls? Like, oh, God, what are we celebrating tonight? Now you guys are looking like you're having some fun. Yeah. Let me know if you want to save 20% off hotels.com tonight. They're like, what? You're like, what?

Dude, if there's a bunch of drunk girls, they would definitely do that. You're like, yeah, I just got to pull the handle. You get it. It's a peen. Oh, funny. So they actually have to pull the penis. Sure. There's no rules at this point.

Keep pulling. Keep pulling. Keep pulling. It's not working hard enough yeah it's got to be hard or else it doesn't like move the mechanism like i get it suck the handle that'd be kind of funny if you did oh i got it so it's uh it's using augmented reality funny so you have your phone you you scan the QR code, it pulls up an AR. So now when they put the phone, the camera over the top of your dick, it does turn it into a slot machine. So they're actually pulling on what it looks like to be a machine, but it's really your dick. This is the future. Yeah.

This is the future I want to be in. So they're pulling the thing and making money and having fun. Woo, look what we just won. And you're like, oh! Oh my God, the slot machine is wet! Mm-hmm. Oh my God! You're getting a full-on handjob, and all the girls...

Just think they're winning money. They think they're winning money. And they could be. They are. Yeah, exactly. You're paying whatever they win. Right. Absolutely.

Or like, they scan it and it sends them on a... So it's like a jackpot? Like a fucking scavenger hunt. Like, after six, it's like, hey, want to have fun tonight? Like, yeah. You like scan this and it's like, there's you riddles. Like, this is not what I had in mind. You just walk away.

Okay, let's move on to the next thing. There's an ice block. What? Okay, ready? Yep. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

Ah, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? What the hell is on Joey's head? Hey, it's a QR code. Yeah, you scan it. You're like, no, before anything, you scan this thing.

You scan it, it goes, look at this photograph. Hear me, Tamer? It's a new Nickelback album right new release it's your your new single your new mix your own new mixtape like check this out do you like do you like hip hop bro yeah check scan this scan my dick and then so the music's playing he's like he's in the background like yeah yeah you like that i mean it's no. I know last week I talked about watching TV, but it happened again, Brian. It happened again. Uh-oh.

Watching some TV. Okay. And the- Like cable TV? No, I mean, the same thing, the YouTube TV. So whatever it's like, sport, baseball, basketball, whatever it is. And right now there's this like heavy St. Jude Children's Hospital campaign that's taking place. Which I mean, amazing organization like just saving kids lives this is you know what this sounds like is one's like you know you know you know jessica you know like yeah i love jessica

she's always been great the light she's great and then but i feel a butt coming on i feel like i'll show you come on a butt. You get it. So amazing organization. Sure. How could you go wrong? They do amazing work. Amazing work across the entire country and beyond.

But there it is. There it is. I knew there was going to be a butt. But as I was watching the commercial this last time, and they got a whole, it's a bar there's a ton okay and i'm watching it and i can't and i'm like oh my god to be the talent agency or the talent scout and just just so i'm clear okay saint jude they do what just for for people they don't make so no family has any bills. So whatever is going on with your kid, they will fix it 100% free.

Like cancers or? Yeah, I mean, cancers and like mental disabilities, physical disabilities, all of that, they're going to do their absolute best. I want to make sure

that everyone knows what we're talking about. Okay, gotcha. That's good. And yeah, the commercials and right now this barrage, like it has has all these commercials have people that have been through saint jude to to to talk about what the company does and to you know ask for donations totally fine but what i can't stop thinking about is the talent agency or the talent scout that's in charge of making these commercials and this this this guy has to

go out and find like the perfect disabled kid like just the right amount of disabled okay and i don't i mean i picture him being like an asshole but also he's just doing his job like maybe he hates it he's like hey you know hey kevin like yeah he goes guess what you got god damn it like he's so mad but he keeps on doing such a good job he keeps getting assigned to do these commercials right but so his job is to find kids that can obviously represent the hospital in the best way but then also like the commercial is going to be successful so there's a like a balance in there it's like like high charisma but like doesn't have legs right it's like cleft lip but in a cute way like they have to in this in somebody's making these decisions so yeah because it's a conscious

thing you have to you gotta god damn it you yeah because when you're just now you're just the marketing team right like yeah you're just doing your job you're just doing your job so it's like how can we sell little billy the better the audience the better you do the more money one of the best organizations in the country is gonna do and so you are finding this you gotta have billy's gotta have he's gotta be able to talk to the camera right just enough just enough to sell it to you but also seem seem like he went to st jude children hospital right so there's this like weird balance between the two and then it goes a little bit further where the same talent scout and he's holding auditions. Okay. And thinking about all the kids that wanted to be in the commercial.

And then this asshole has to tell him they didn't make it. Be like, Nope, you don't, you don't have what I'm looking for. And they're like, well, look at me.

And he goes, that's not the point. It's not enough. He's like, it's going to be this perfect balance of disabled. Like what a weird job that has to be so you you made it you said asshole like well i mean he's judging disabled kids for a job you like oh that'd be tough because like do you want to be an asshole do you want to because like you i wouldn't want to go in there with my like empathetic brain i have to tell these kids that they didn't make it.

And how do you say it? You're not disabled enough. Or you're too disabled. Thanks for coming out. Thanks for coming out. You're not disabled enough. Imagine the effort that it took that kid to get there. And then only to not get the job.

Yeah, to not be disabled enough. Or two. Or two disabled. That's such a weird situation to be in. Like that talent scout woke up that morning, right? And his alarm went off and he's like, I'm going to disappoint a lot of kids. You know, same thing. Blankets go off.

He turns. His feet hit the floor he's brushing his legs on or he puts his feet oh my god okay puts his legs on one at a time just like the rest of us yes okay so he's got his dress he's got dressed he's brushing his teeth he's looking in the mirror he's like you're not a bad guy yes he's like pep talking himself he's like you're just doing your job like he has kids he has a family that depends on him to judge other disabled kids to make a commercial that's going to be successful what a weird place to be in. And somebody had that job like at this audition thing.

Like the guys, his kid sits down and, uh, the, the guy's like, Oh my God, he goes, you fucking amazing.

You nailed it. This is going to be great. What I'm going to need you to do is stand up and just walk in a straight line away from me. Right. And the kid's like, yeah, no problem.

Stands up and starts walking in the town scout, like fucking throws his clipboard. And goes you walk too well you just walk too damn well it's like god fucking thought we had it i can't sell that what am i gonna do with this you see i'm sorry he goes next god it's just such a weird situation and the commercials are i mean they're great they're amazing but i couldn't help but think about that with my video and audio background. Just looking at it and be like, someone was in that position. And then the kids trying out. Yeah.

Where they're just like, why am I going to try out? Billy's just going to win. Billy wins. Billy wins every year. He gets all the commercials. Have you seen them? You got to have to take Billy out. Yeah.

Take Billy out. Someone's going to have to, Nancy, out yeah take billy out someone's gonna have to nancy or what was the chick that won nancy kerrigan yeah who was the what was her name the the chick that hired the dude tanya harding tony that's right right go in there and swing yeah take him down but like yeah the problem is like if the legs already don't work that doesn't work what does that say like if if you're perfect for that role i mean that's a huge opportunity it's a great opportunity for all of them the commercials are wonderful they use as many children as they can in whatever setting they possibly can and that is fine that's not the point at all the point is someone had to be like you are perfect yeah and you aren't yeah and someone had to make that

judgment call and it's so fucking crazy what a weird job that would have been and it is it's it's just funny because it's like the guy's just doing his job but what a shitty job because but also amazing job Because they're raising millions For an organization That changes the world Sure So I'd like to

Just be put in that position I guess That's what he's telling himself Yeah He's in the mirror again Brushing his teeth Like you're doing a good thing We're gonna raise

A lot of money today Yeah You're gonna hurt some feelings Yeah but That's just life It's just part of the deal It's just part of the deal Spits his toothpaste out

What a mental fuck. Coming home to dinner and wife's asking him, how'd work go today? You're not going to believe this. You're not going to believe this. Found the perfect. Found him. We found him. We found him.

Like through a walkie talkie. Yeah. My God. Fucking terrible. At the tryouts. Someone does a tryout and whatever. And the guy just grabs this walkie-talkie goes we got him we got him we got him we got him but what i mean just hate it i just couldn't help but think about that so i just visualize this you know like the any sort of a movie when they're when they're trying to find and it's that reaction

like they're watching somebody do it like a like almost like the director is when when this let's say it's leo dicaprio whoever or uh they're doing this it's it's fucking what's her name the the greatest female actress uh of all time yeah meryl street m Streep. Meryl Streep. Everyone thinks she's, she's, it's like she nails this, this scene. And like, it's the director's watching, like bringing, he's crying a little bit.

Yeah. And he's like, cut, we got it. We got it. And it's like, Oh my God. Or imagine the same situation where the director is like,

okay, now get up and walk in a straight line. Like, that's the same. He's like, you've, he's crying. He's like,

this is perfect. Now what's your disability? Like, this is, well, yeah, it's the same he's like you he's crying he's like this is perfect now what's your disability like this is well yeah it's terrible it's terrible and then yeah it's good i mean so anyway it's not about the kids right it's this this is not about the kids at all absolutely not it's about the person that had to pick the people for the commercial fucking do not envy that fella anyway want to move on oh no because i just started thinking about like you know like when you when you're casting for extras you're casting for like a movie or something and so they have headshots in search of yeah and so the way that works is they pull out a book and they're like oh this kid would be perfect because he's got the blonde hair he

looks like what we need for this thing so i imagine like the book that they're weeding people out with looking through right what that would look like and who's in charge of that the first round of cuts like nope nope oh i nope. Oh, I love the wheelchair. And then they're just like, wheelchair, but how's this? His hair is a little, it's just fucking, God, it's so bad. And someone had to do it. Like, it's not, this is not make-believe. This, someone did it.

It happened. It's not like a what if this happened. Someone actually had to do that. Like a political thing. They're like, Obama's doing a speech like, okay, we need a Mexican kid, we need an Asian kid, we need the right amount of white kids versus black kids versus this. Bounce it out. But they also have disabled kids in there.

It's so in-out. So that mentality of like, okay, we need... It's like it's someone you know so like that that mentality of like okay we need it's like it's someone's conscious decision to do that yeah it wasn't an accident that the kids like they picked up we'll take this one we'll take that one look at this perfect group of diverse children yeah all in the same spot you guys come here real quick it's like no someone's picking it and that's so weird all All right, let's move on. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's dick. All right, Joe. Yeah, what's up, Ryan? Brevard Man wields machete at bar after karaoke request denied. Deputy say. I mean, I get it, dude. I got a story. Let's do the article thing. Okay. I'll be quick.

Brevard Man accused of pulling an 18-inch machete at a bar. Being denied another karaoke song was arrested Sunday, according to the sheriff's office. Faces a breach of peace due to disorderly conduct charged in connection with the incident, which occurred at Kennedy's

Lamp Post Tavern, located... Meh. Deputies responded to the bar shortly before 2 p.m. Mm-hmm. Not a.m. No, this was a daytime affair. Broad daylight in the afternoon. Mm-hmm.

Found Jordan unsteady on his feet with bloodshot and glassy eyes, smelling strongly of alcohol and probable cause affidavit shows. So basically, this dude didn't get the song he requested and he had the machete on him. It was concealed on his body. Someone denied his request to sing another karaoke song. The woman, afraid for his safety and others, coaxed

coaxed? Coaxed. I was going to say coaxed. Coaxed the suspect and it peacefully handed him the mach machete at least he did that that was yeah it could have been way worse he's like uh i want yeah i wanted to do like uh what song i don't know gunfight i don't know there's whatever i just finished like something peaceful like uh like uh somewhere over the rainbow or Imagine. And they're like, sorry, dude, you're... Imagine. You gotta get out of here.

So this goes two ways. Yeah, one, what song was he trying to sing? And then the other one was how bad was he the song before? Oh, yeah. Like, what did he do? He was so bad. He's like, yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me. He has this giant fucking machete.

And they're like, Jesus Christ, like Jesus Christ George it was a prop he's fucked he saved that shit for at least night time he's just like and he's swinging from the chandelier with a machete he's like I got one more song like no no we can't

we're letting we're letting pirates of the caribbean slide it was cool to watch that's the only reason but you gotta go because i just one more please dude i didn't even think about that angle i just figured some drunk dude concealing a machete but it would be funny as if he was like fully dressed on like a pirate too and he was only singing pirate songs yeah what's that one that goes around like the uh what are they called there's not another call called sailor tunes but they tiktok instagram they have that same like little shanty yay that they sing in rounds over and over again no idea what you're talking about okay well they probably i wish i did it would have been a lot fun Well, they're probably pretty. I wish I did. It would have been a lot funnier. Yeah, they're probably pretty cool. It'd be a lot cooler

if you knew what I was talking about. Oh man, like what do you do with a drunken? So those types of songs. So those are all he's singing and he just has a fucking machete and he's just a terrible pirate though.

Like he has, I don't know, a cowboy hat on and then an eyepatch, but it's made out of napkins. So it's just like, it's all over the place. But he's got an 18 inch fucking machete. Is that what? Oh, this costume isn't real enough for you?

Shing. How about now, motherfucker? So I said it was concealed. I wonder if he had a sheath or if it was like in his pant leg. Or in his cowboy hat. Yeah, a 10 gallon hat just the fucking can you imagine if a cowboy hat was actually 10 gallons it's stabbing through the top of the hat he's like is that a knife no sir what do you sir do you have a machete you have a machete in your hat no

no i'm just here i'm trying to have a good time well i'm pretty sure that's a machete in your head is that machete hat no i? No, I just got here. I just got here. I have no idea. All right. We just got to check your ID. Okay, no problem. Every time you unsheathes it, it just slices his leg open.

Maybe that's what happened. Could have been. Cut his leg open and they're like, dude, you're bleeding all over the place. Is there anything else? And then we'll move on to the next story. Have you done some karaoke? You ever dive into the- Oh, yeah.

Okay. Not recently, but yeah, I used to karaoke all the time okay couple situations just in general how annoying is it when you feel like you got skipped you're sitting there well i'm usually nervous so i'm like oh thank god i'm not gonna pee my pants this time but you you see the crowd you know the crowd that was there before there, or before, you know, that was there when you got there and then new people show up and you know,

you got your song in before that, but then you get bumped and it just keeps happening. And you're like, God damn it. 45 more minutes of this before I get to be the one that everyone wishes wasn't singing. Right. But like,

you're just in that weird mode. This is, um, I don't, it's not one of my favorite stories, but it's a great story of my brother we're in austin and go visiting have fun and um we're at this karaoke bar it is a karaoke bar which is what i love about cities like there's karaoke night oh around here there's not a karaoke

bar where when you go there there's karaoke every single time right yeah we just don't get that here big cities you guys have them you're lucky um and they pick theme nights and people dress up it's a whole thing pirate night oh yeah i guess he's like oh shit i thought it was pirate night it's cowboy night jordan you know tuesdays are not pirate night damn it should be fucking stupid all right yeah just go home buddy you know i work wednesdays you know i work wednesdays man i can't fucking can't bring my pirate um but this it's a karaoke bar and we show up we're all having fun and we sing some songs and then a lot of people show up and um

my brother really wants to sing like he just what song i don't even remember what song it doesn't matter and he he pays the karaoke lady to move him up the list right like there's a certain amount of money that will move you up okay so he gave her whatever a couple hundred bucks jesus doesn't matter to go from like 45th to like top 10 he's just he's trying to get up there that's a big jump and he does and he gets there we're watching the monitor because it has the name it's a professional karaoke bar and he gets like into the top five and then my little sister gets really sick so we have to leave and then like you know we're already gone and this this karaoke dj she knows who paid him

because she had to move him up and then his name gets to the top he goes man hey like says whatever you know and he does not fucking there you go one more time one more time. Last call. Last call. And then no one comes up. She's like, what the fuck? This dude just gave me $200. And we're gone. And we're fucking gone. That's funny.

That's so funny. Could you imagine if he was like, I'm not leaving, dude. He's like, no, you got it. It's like, we're staying at your house. Here's the key. Here's the key. It's your car. Drive my car.

Dude, I paid $200 to get here. I'm not leaving. I'm singing New Found Glory. your house but here's the key here's the key it's your car drive my car like dude i paid 200 bucks to get here i'm not leaving i'm singing newfound glory my friends over you okay and that's what we're doing and i'm not leaving until i do it you ever re-listen to that song and remember how fucking annoying it is no i didn't really listen to them yeah his voice is a bit much um okay let's move on to the next one uh this has been making the rounds On the talks As the kids call it Do they call it that? The talks?

The talk Oh, TikTok? The talkies, yeah Wow That sounded really old Oh, yeah So I

Received this a couple days ago I forget who sent it to me Originally I think it was one of the kids But I apologize I don't know, man There's so many messages I can't Keep track of the kids. But I apologize. I don't know, man. There's so many messages. I can't keep track of everything. I did not anticipate

at the time. Calm down if this is your story. Yeah, that this was going to make the show. But I've never thought about this particular thing with parrots. If you look at parrots, everyone should know what a parrot is.

They're very good at mimicking human voice it's a talking bird but the majority of it like they say like i love you yeah or like a cracker or it's like good job or they repeat whatever little phrases right and there's even birds they're like fucking like they swear because the owner swears that's hilarious and those are the best videos i've covered stories about birds that are like, fucking, like they swear because the owner swears. That's hilarious. And those are the best videos. I've covered stories about birds that were in a zoo that had to get moved because they kept insulting people that walked by. They're like, hey, fatty. I'm not kidding.

It was an amazing story. Could you imagine like a racist parrot? Yeah, right. I hate black people. Yeah, right. You're like, eh, Jews. Hey, what's up, cracker? White people, huh?

You're like, what's the deal with white people? What's the deal with white people? Honk, honk. You're like, God, that parrot's an asshole. But I never thought that you could train a parrot to be like rapey aggressive. And this is, there's a video out there. You can just look up. I'm not going to hurt you, parrot.

And it'll come up and i'm just gonna play the video uh you'll get the gist of it here we go i'm right here come on i'm right here this is how close i'm gonna get baby and the parents walking around What? I'm not going to hurt you. You're so strong. I'm a little bit. You're just so strong. You're so strong. What's wrong? I don't want you to bite me.

What's wrong? I'm not going to hurt you. Come here. No, baby. What? What's wrong, darling? What's wrong, darling? What's wrong, darling? I love you.

I just said, I think we just need some time before we do that, okay? See that? It's getting aggressive. What's wrong? I still think you're going to bite me. What? I'm sorry. What's wrong? See?

What? It's a taxer. And then here, after the taxer, here we go. Ready? You scared me that wasn't bad come here i'm not gonna hurt you he's using full sentences but the just the whole concept i never thought that you could teach a parrot to say anything. It could just be creepy shit like that. Come here.

I'm not going to hurt you. That sounds like, it sounds like, like not, he's not repeating it. It sounds like he's having a conversation. Yeah. Like the inflection. I'm not doing that. Yeah. Oh, come on.

I'm not going to hurt you. Yeah. He's not saying like, I'm not going to hurt you. Yeah. He's like, I'm not going to hurt you. Yeah. It's like that. Yeah.

It's. Yeah. He's using inf I'm not going to hurt you. Yeah. It's like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's using inflections in his voice and emphasis. And he was like, not that bad. Gnarling. Gnarling. Like, was he watching, like, Silence of the Lambs?

Like, what the fuck was happening? He attacks her. She's like, what? He's like, that wasn't that bad. That wasn't that bad. Come here. I'm not going to hurt you. That sounds like some Chucky shit right there.

It's so creepy. Like a killer parrot guy. It's so creepy. Come on over, baby. It's so funny. I mean, someone had to train it. I don't know the story behind it, how if she trained it just to do this funny thing. Yeah.

Or think about if she got adopted it yeah it it needed a loving home yeah you're like oh yeah i fucking love this this is beautiful i've always wanted a parrot i don't think is it a parrot that could be something i don't know um parakeet could be what's it say here no one cares okay um but if you're like oh no i've got i've got room for it i'll take care of it for a little bit. Yeah. And you get in, she's going,

come here, I'm not going to hurt you. That's so creepy. In the middle of the night. Yeah. Yeah, like you put the little, are you awake?

Yeah, put the little thing over its head and it's like, wait, you're not tired. I know how to keep you awake. What?

Come here. I'll sing you a song. Come here, I was waiting for this for a long time you're like what the fuck you creepy parrot take your pants off what right right oh you look good naked all right come here i'm not gonna hurt you hey i fucking piqued my interest maybe laughing very hard yeah super rapey but i'm not like Oh, wasn't that bad And he does those Those like

I don't know Like emotional fillers too Where she says something And he goes Oh Yeah Like he's listening That's why it sounded

Like a conversation It didn't sound like He was repeating something Yeah, he's like I don't I don't trust you And he's like Oh, you can trust me

He's thinking about What he's got to say next yeah it's not that bad god all the different conversations you could have that aren't even rapey yeah just kind of like what else could you say like if it's not going to be like a full-on conversation yeah whatever like it's like you uh quoting movies like it's just a parrot that quotes like Dumb and Dumber. Does the entire Declaration of Independence. You're like, sound like a good idea at the time.

Amendment what? Six o'clock in the morning. Fuck. No one cares about number nine. Time for the Bill of Rights. Right. Signed by. Oh my God.

Okay, let's move on to page. There shall no. Yeah, exactly. In fringe, I've been fucking all night with this guy. right signed by oh my god okay let's move on to page there shall no yeah exactly in French I've been fucking all night with this guy he just does the uh

yeah uh the constitution right right just this ridiculous thing so funny um

okay or uh Abe Lincoln's yeah the Gettysburg Gettysburg address four score four score seven years ago.

What? I'm not going to hurt you. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef.

Briefcase. Check. Leather glove. Check. Leather glove. This is Petty Beef. Briefcase! Check! Doo-doo-doo. Leather glove, check. Leather glove, fingerless glove, check. We are heading into some warmer months. Yeah, finally. Which fucking, thank the hex.

It's still snowing. Yeah, it just snowed a couple inches here not too long ago, so that was fun. Cool, God, or whatever, who did that? Yeah, yeah thanks a lot who does the snow thanks to pant load god uh so this petty beef coming in from our geriatric daughter crystal who writes christelle christelle that's right hey guys i desperately need a win here leading with that is a little concerning yeah like if you if you were in a courtroom it's a murder case right and the like you know lawyer comes out he goes he goes i'm not gonna lie to you i really my boss is pissed i i could if you guys want to do me a solid i could really use a win right now and they're like sounds more guilty

like anyway he does he have a collection of guns yeah where they all have blood on them and they found by the body sure they were but hear me out don't do me a solid if you guys if i lose this case i'm gonna be on the street i'm gonna be disbarred i'm gonna be i'm gonna lose my license please starts crying anyway hey guys i desperately need a win here so hopefully you'll find my pov to be accurate so i'm 40 years old i love how she went straight to the pov like it's a porn site yes it is i instantly put on my vr goggles so i'm 40 years old and pre-menopausal it sounds like a like you'd be something you'd be that in the church don't listen to anyone who tells you menopause isn't awesome it's a real fucking treat hot

flashes are a regular part of my day. Anyway, when I'm trying to get ready in the morning and open our bedroom window just a little to cool the room down and to keep from sweating off my makeup and raising my blood pressure, I put a pillow over the cracks between the door and the floor to keep the cold in the room. By the way, I live in Northwest Indiana and it's December. So it's apparently cold outside. Anyway, the problem is that my fiance keeps the house at a sweltering 978 degrees. And it's fucking hot. All caps.

He tells me that it costs money every time I open the window. Guys, there is no possible way he or anyone else will convince me that our heating bill will rise to an astronomical level if I have the window open in one closed off bedroom. No, it's not going to sweep through the house and make the heat run constantly like he thinks. Please tell me you agree and don't allow that overprotective ruler of a thermostat dad in you automatically take over. That's a fair point. No way is one closed off room going to make the heat run over time i will never be convinced is he right to be the thermo commie or am i in the clear your pre-menopausal overheated daughter crystal that's funny oh man that's i mean that she was right on the nail on nail on the hammer

swing when she said don't let that dad mode kick in. Cause that was what I was thinking. That is a thing. That is a thing. And it does. Okay. And this is non, no dispute here.

And I'm sure that crystal would agree because the verbiage she used was raising the heat bill to astronomical levels. I'm not sure what the fiance saying. He's like, you fucking cost me 90 bucks okay no but no matter what you whatever side you're on that it is costing money it is costing money that's how heat works so if you're letting cold ass air into the bedroom no matter which way you slice it it is costing money to have that

window open doesn't matter that's the that's it that's the i'm hoping there's a butt coming uh but when i watch these commercials about saint jude's hospital no um no but there's just there's no way but there's but it doesn't raise the money that much it's not going to be like you if you want to be a real passive-aggressive dickhead, which, I mean, sometimes that's fun, give them three bucks. Like, on the first of every month, be like, here's so I don't sweat my makeup off.

And give them... Slap them a couple George Washingtons. You know? A couple Benjamins. Or like Venmo. Send it over. It's like, what's this for? Not costing...

Or paying for rising heat costs. Right. I'll just put my makeup on without sweating and wanting to jump out the window and just send him a little three bucks. Four bucks. He seems a bit thermo-Nazi. A little too much. I get it.

So, my issue is with that kind of stuff is like if the heat's on and someone just like opens the door and leaves it open yeah and cause they forgot

then it's like dude come on but she's doing it intentionally to to not overheat while she's getting ready

and do her makeup and then when she leaves she probably shuts the windows I'm guessing she opens them more yeah I'm guessing she shuts them throws

the clothes out of them yeah so i'm with her on this one i think i am just because i honestly doing it intentionally and she's doing it for a reason so she's not overheating yeah and then going to work and doing her thing or whatever she's doing yeah and then i'm assuming shutting it so all is fine i think she did it right out of just pure negligence and the extra step of put like stuffing the pillow on yeah she's making an effort what's the fans like what's he mad about just because the room's cold it's petty it's very petty it's the whole thing it's laura petty yeah remember her no actress she was in like she did some big stuff well no but she was in the army now she was in free willy yeah it's laura petty and she was also kit in uh league of their own but that's another story for another day for another day um christelle or cristal you're right i'm with christelle on this

one i think you're right i think her husband needs to chill out a little bit that's yeah or maybe they're not together anymore This was in December Maybe she fucking left The window was on the third story And Husband went right out that window One morning We don't know

We don't know how this ended I just Yeah so just Just to clarify If she was being negligent And just not giving a shit I'm with the husband But the fact she's doing it for a reason

Trying to keep the heat Trapped in there She's doing it for a reason Yeah I'm going with her. I'm in there. It's a double. We're on the same side today.

You get the win, Christelle. You did it. Congratulations. Even though you came out with the verbiage being a little persuasive. Yeah. I really need this win, guys. Yeah. She didn't have to do that.

She's on a losing streak. She could have come in with just the facts. Yeah. Just the car facts. Right could have come in with just the facts. Yeah. Just the car facts. Right, just the, ask for the car facts. I'm not going to hurt you. Come on, just ask for the car facts. Just ask for the car facts.

It's not no bad. People are thinking the same thing there. All right, let's move on to a happy story. All right. I mean, terrifying, but. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed.

Yeah! Coming out of another ski season. Mm-hmm. For the ones that ski or board. Dude, have you seen the snow levels in fucking California? I haven't. It is terrifying. Really?

Oh, my God. Like, down in Tahoe. Oh. It is the most amount of snow that I didn't even know the planet could have that much snow. In the mountains? Yeah, like, it's just just so their ski season could last through the summer yeah they're thinking it could be really extended the best season ever yeah i'm not even kidding like they have to dig you're going through canyons on the chairlifts like the snow is so high wow it is nuts anyway look it up if you haven't so this video was sent in um it was by a couple different people so again i didn't credit just one but it's so scary if you are a skier or a boarder there this

is in washington you're gonna see yeah it's uh at baker right baker um and you're gonna see you look up this video it's just just put anything like skier rescue snowboarder that's that's buried and they're going through some powder it's nothing crazy but if you know a skier rescue snowboarder. That's that's buried and they're going through some powder It's nothing crazy. But if you know a skier or snowboarder, you've heard of these things called tree wells, okay where the snow Hits the branches of the tree and then it creates a gigantic pocket below the tree by its by its trunk That if you go into it at the wrong way, you're fucking that's it. You're not getting back out It doesn't say they knew each other, which is even a crazier part about this video.

I'm going to push play, and then if I feel like there's anything, additional details I need to bring up, I will. Here you go. That's some deep pow. It's a good powder day. Here you go, he's cleaning off the lens. He's going to go back down again.

And it just, so he stops right right there a snowboarder came behind him you're right and threw on the brakes right like didn't see him in the trees and when he did he fell backwards upside down in a tree well and now he's upside down on his snowboard unable to move oh claustrophobia dude can you imagine being in that situation this was making my body like like what if the skier didn't stop yeah like there why did he stop you normally wouldn't so he's clicking out he clearly doesn't know the severity of the situation and he's gonna hike up there and then he takes a peek at it and realizes how bad this really is so all you see right now is the snowboarders snowboard the bottom of it and his boots right and then he's gonna you know get up there and he realizes how bad it is

and just starts digging so right now he's trying to find the snowboarders head here we go you're right can you hear me finally found it dude oh my body's cringing right now. He's just digging right now, by the way, you guys. Sorry. You can look up the video if you're interested. But it's so much snow. And he just dug him out. And then when he did, the guy fell even further in.

Because the snow didn't stop him. So the guy's waving his arms. He looks like he's going to die. It looks like it's just glitching. You know, like his Like muscle spasms So here we go I'm going to jump forward to the part where you get about Watch You okay can you breathe

Yeah okay Alright we're both going to Catch our breath for a sec I'm going to help dig you out okay Yeah no problem man you're good Alright Let's get a little more snow with him. I love this line.

I think he says it right here. Oh, my God. Sorry, guys. I'm watching. It's so scary. Okay. You all right? I'm good.

Okay. Okay. I'm going to back up for a second and get my shovel out, okay? Thank you. You're good'm good. Okay, okay. I'm going to back up for a sec and get my shovel out, okay? Thank you. You're good, man. You're good. I'm not sure if it was right there, but the snowboarder who is stuck, all you see is his mouth and his arm, and he's upside down in the powder.

Like, he was 100% dead if this gear didn't stop. But he goes, the snowboarder goes, take your time. Like, trying to be nice. Just a funny thing to say. Anyway, so if you wanted something else to be scared about there you go that's cool huh i'm still behind you a little bit here i know i skip forward a little bit but just um to be aware of your surroundings and i've been in that situation a bunch where someone comes up behind you and just because they throw on the brakes doesn't mean they flipped upside down so the fact that he

even turned around to check if the guy was okay and then ended up saving his life is is is insanity this is absolutely insanity the the saving the the fact that his life is saved is is awesome but i've just like i'm putting myself in that position being stuck upside down, and my body is like... Can't move. Like, I want to throw up thinking about... Mm-hmm. Like, because claustrophobia and shit, like, when you can't move, especially if you're upside down and, like, your limbs are tied. And the base of your snowboard is holding your feet, so you can't pull it down. I know, it's terrible.

All right, let's move on. We'll move on before we both throw up. Oh, God. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes! That's awesome! All right, Joe. Hey. Found something on Amazon. Will you show it to me right now? Yeah. Okay.

Look at it. Look at it. Right here. Okay, I see it. Yeah. So they're little finger protectors that snap on your fingers for when you eat like Cheetos or Doritos or something like that. And I thought, I was like, oh my God, this is so, I mean, it looks so cheesy and tacky.

It does. We get it. But my kids love Cheetos and Doritos. Yeah. And they make a fucking mess. Yeah, they do. It's all over them. And then they're wiping all over their clothes.

Then they're touching the walls. They're touching the furniture. They're touching everything. They're playing my Xbox. And they're fucking getting it all over controllers true and and then i look at these i'm like this might be the savior yeah this could be like the best purchase i've ever made and i'm thinking about getting some my biggest concern is i mean so these are little like rubber sleeves in a sense they go over just your fingertips

so you can touch things that are make your fingers messy and knock your fingers messy i'm gonna fucking lose these things dude like i put these on my kids hands like if i let my kids just alone with a a full-size couch like eventually they would lose it yeah they're like hey where's the couch like i don't know i don't know i've never seen it well you just gotta you gotta buy a whole bunch of them you gotta buy some air some air tags and track your little yeah yeah you have like a whole a whole basket yeah of just these little finger grips it's kind of like all right kids when you uh when you corn on the cob the little poker things yeah there's a spot in your uh silverware drawer for those and they poke you yeah they do yeah if you're not careful they gotta be a little ouch so then you have a just a whole little section just dedicated to those in your drawer to the finger covers yeah i mean they would work great with just i mean not

even just chips but like a taco or something but i mean and healthier you know i'm gonna be healthier it's not gonna get the germs on there there healthier unless you eat the rubber that's true you can choke on the rubber and die that'd be cool i am a i'm a left-handed eater with finger food i don't like to get on my right i don't like to use my right hand yeah so maybe this would maybe make me more ambidextrous because i wouldn't get food on my right hand switch it you just said that and i have no idea what hand i eat food with i use my like a fork i'll use with my right hand but like chips or finger food it's my left hand hmm i'm yeah i'm silverware left hand and then chips i'd be right hand really yeah what the fuck that's weird we're complete opposite crazy bro dude it's fucking crazy can you imagine showing up to a party and you have these fingerless leather

gloves on and those and the finger covers that's not see and your and custom darts and a dartboard all i do is fucking dart dude all i do is fucking eat dart and eat cheetos all i do is eat charts and darts and throw cheetos charts and eat pussy you're like what your shirt's all like i don't i'll just go imagine if you're like if a vagina was like made a mess like imagine if you shirt's all, you're like, I don't, I'll just go. Imagine if your vagina was like, made a mess like Cheetos. Imagine if you just wore those while you're having sex with somebody. She goes, what the fuck? Like, I'm just trying to keep things clean. Sorry, I'm a germ freak.

Yeah. She goes, okay. You're like, I thought you scanned my QR code. You would have known. Imagine eating like a sucker or an ice cream cone, you know, or like a Popsicle that makes your mouth turn colors. Like, what if you wanted to have fun and you pour a little something

in your vagina and then you come up and you've got rainbow on your lips. Sparkles. Some glitter. Want to hear from the kids? Yeah. Alright, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me wow that's cool inbox time

this first one is coming in from our one of our kids one of our children but they want to remain anonymous they've always been this way since they were a baby i remember like a super duper silly goose though yeah they would do stuff and they're like ah but, but just, you know, I don't want you guys to mention my name. I'm like, okay. So he's always been this way. He says, hey daddies, one of your loyal, super duper silly geese here. But I want to remain anonymous.

You got it. Cause I like my job. That's what they say. And I know you can tell exactly who I am by the email. So no need to point that out, but I'm a stupid fuck. Right. I'm listening to episode 42 urinal horses butter paper cut when joe brought up the incident with your jesus loving neighbors and the

porn playing bluetooth speaker yeah just fucking yeah that's a good classic classic man i'm telling my grandkids about that one uh reminded me of a recent business trip i went on i work for a large international company and we recently bought our out of our uh bought out our competitor and in your neck of the woods and walla walla to be exact when we buy out a competitor we send in terms to retrain everyone teams oh teams that retrain everyone and welcome them on this was one of those trips one morning on the second day of the trip I got into the rental car with the head of the training team who I had just met the day before so we could go on site.

He starts the car and I look down at the infotainment screen to see Bluetooth connected dash media colon stepsister takes it hard in the ass from step bro. Don't tell mom and dad. He then looks down at the screen sees me reading it let's just say that was a very silent trip across the city how do you just not address it

and then i had six more days of working with him overall we got skunk drunk on the company's dime and became pretty close friends but we never brought up the bluetooth incident it was just a silent secret thanks for all you guys do and make sure you exit incognito mode after you're done rubbing one out yep yeah it's fucking so funny that's hilarious because what's what's funny is like you know he's like he could have been in the same thing and you kind of just like i see you but that's the thing about porn yeah especially in this category you can't judge someone that's not what i was gonna say it's not even about what it's about it's not even about step bro and step sis it's like they're just i guess like the sex they're having it's not even

the situation that's like this is what i want yeah it's not what it is at all yeah but for whatever reason like 90 of porn videos are like step bro fuck step mom while step dad fucks step sister don't tell anybody steps on the steps on the on the rocky steps the whole thing uh yeah whatever well yeah it's like the dad or the son leaves and then the dad's like out mowing the lawn and she's like oh yeah it's i don't know fucking in the pool i don't know i mean there's got to be a reason why everything's step related these days but uh yeah i'm on this on the side that that's not necessarily what you're into yeah so like yoga's had a hot chick in it and that's the whole thing like if like if you know my wife was to see like oh like you nine out of the ten videos you watch this week have it it's like step family like is that what you're into no i just like the girl that happens to be in these videos is just really hot

yeah and then she got fucked pretty good yeah and that was it oh okay like promise do not fantasize about fucking my stepmom. Is it like, can I let myself go to that place where I actually believe these people are step related? You know what I mean? Yeah, sure. Can I get here? Yeah. Yeah.

It was like, because if that was the real thing, then maybe that's what you're into. But it's like. Yeah, right. I wonder how. Yeah. I wonder how much of that has actually happened out there. Do you want to read the next one? This one's wild.

Oof. Okay. All right. Carry on with the workplace accident theme we've been having a lot of fun with over the last month or so that's right uh this was sent in by our son mickey who writes hey guys hello currently listening to deaf coyote mexico sick burnouts when you talked about the the guy that had turned into a twisty tie and it reminded me of a workplace incident that happened. Oh, boy. I work in natural gas field, like what your stove and furnace burn, you know, burn heat, where things are very flammable. So we have tons of safety precautions.

I can imagine. On this particular day, we had a section of underground pipe that sprung a leak and two guys were sent in to find the leak. They found it and decided to drive up next to the leak uh in a side-by-side rzr it's open cab buggy without doors or windows that was uh venting gas into the air and extremely alarming at an extremely alarming rate and surprise surprise the entire atmosphere around them burst into flames everything within 30 foot radius was burnt to a crisp, including the two guys in the vehicle drove to the location. They were rushed to the emergency room with third degree,

only third degree. Is that the highest you can go? That's the top. This seems like more of like an eighth degree. More degrees. Third degree. Burned in 90% of their body. Seems like it should have been more too.

To this day, I have no clue what happened to these guys or if they survived because they were fired almost hey mickey you can't i don't know if he was that intentional it doesn't matter it was perfect fired almost instantly oh what a burn he made up this whole story just to use that line like that they were instantly fired yep almost immediately for not following company procedures on safety measures for a situation like this so yeah the natural gas fuel is a dangerous place for dumb people and i have uh heard plenty more stories just like this fuck have a great rest of your day and don't play with gas lol man yeah Yeah, I mean, honestly, though, when you think about it, it's like

how easily stuff like that can happen. The whole thing about the grease and then throwing water, when you think about it for a second, yeah, after the fact, that makes sense. But in the moment, this thing is hot, that thing is cold.

Yeah. And so when you're driving up the thing, you're not thinking necessarily about gas. Like if you- Well, you're on a natural gas field. Yeah. So there's that. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Like you didn't just wake up, blackout, and you're at work in a side-by-side. That's true. I'm not in that field, so I'm thinking about just as an average civilian, not thinking about it, but I guess you're probably trained to not do that. You probably didn't pay attention. The same as the guy that got sucked into

the airplane jet engine. Airplane jet engine? You're too close. Don't touch the bug. It's gone bye um then we'll wrap up the show but i also have to think about these these poor gentlemen that were out there because there was there was one last thing that they were talking about yeah before literally they thought the world exploded right what did they say what was the last little thing talking about the sports baseball team like all

they need if they just get a short stop then we're gonna you know right what if it was this like i don't know man at this point i was kind of hoping i get fired is that too far no i keep showing up late just hoping i'm gonna get fired how fast that would happen to just explosion like just a massive that was my watch um just a massive fireball be terrifying how did they i mean i don't know i i told her two fingers it's totally fine how'd they survive that? He said he doesn't know if they did. Maybe they died later, but how did they survive

just because all your skin gets burnt but your organs are still working? You got to kind of slowly bleed out at that point. Not fun. Should we move forward? Before I come? Getting turned on? Oh, nice little...

I forgot. Mickey had a little funny callback on there. It said, sent from my iPhone. So that's funny. If you get it, you get it. Support us on Patreon. That's how you keep listening. Every single episode we do has bonus content on the back end.

Boner content. Yeah. Thanks to everybody who has signed up. This keeps growing and growing. Pick whatever tier is right for you. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Of course, you got the socials. You got the YouTube.

You want to send something into the show. Hey, guys. At CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. That includes petty beefs or anything for dick or any would you rather. Some crazy question. Doesn't matter. Send it in. And if you have a physical thing you want to send in, you can find our P.O.

Box in the episode description. Big thanks to the babysitters that run the Play page on facebook and gosh dang man there's a lot from today's show that um gonna stick with me for a long time there's some fuck me i'm pumped this is probably one of my favorite episodes in a lot of shit it's a lot of stuff i mean yeah it was dark yeah but that's fucking unfun that's the fun stuff baby i mean yeah yeah baby yeah baby oh toby little's up too i don't know but a qr code above your dick that you scan it it just goes yeah that's how you that's how you win the ladies Alright They're gonna be so wet Every time

Just Good God Wrap it up already, huh? Brian With a Y Yes, Joe With a O-E

With an O-E I have a dad joke for you Okay What did the farmer say To his cows When they asked To stay up late i have no idea yes sorry not tonight it's past your bedtime oh

it's pretty good that's so good that's sure i've never heard it i don't i haven't either who sent it ah it's another one another one that got sent to me. Dude, not tonight. It's past your bedtime. Fuck off. God damn, it's amazing. Does that joke move you? Move. All right, kids. We'll see you next week.

For all the silly geese, party continues. Love you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Outro Music