Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Witness Birth. Frog Cop. Wax Joint. Infected Spots.

Episode Date: January 14, 2026

Call us old fashioned, but the words "good father" don't usually belong in the same sentence as "threw an infant across the room into the bed frame." Let's talk about that, when a change in plans goes from thinking you're about to do something awesome to re-painting your house, wiping up tears using a foil hotdog wrapper, losing your virginity with the help of a wax joint, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/3v6bH7xgmsMSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Witness birth. Frog cop. Waxed joint. Infected spots. This reminds me of a certain sublime song. What's going? 187? Oh, yeah.

I feel like we referenced the same song when we hit episode on episode 87. In a hundred more episodes, you're going to be able to do this. We can finally bring up sublime. We've just been waiting so long. Ah, yeah. 187. you guys for joining in for another episode of can you don't podcast. Uh-oh.

Oh, man. Did you even mean to do that? You just, you assume you in podcast. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. It's all about me. The news was on this morning when we were, I was going through the script and kind of just finalizing some stuff and news is in the background. And I can't help it.

News was on when we got here. When, yeah. That's how much I drowned it out. I don't even know when it turned on or when it's, it's probably still going right now. Probably. But whenever a word that they. say comes off a little funny, I can't help but repeat it. You go down that deep.

Like today's like, they go, they go 35. And I'm sitting at my desk, I go five. It's a involuntary, bye. Yeah. Tonight in a football game. American football game. 7.30 p.m. What's that, Joe?

Nothing. Leave me alone. Send in your content suggestions. Hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Again, it's just that time of the year. And this time we really mean it. Brian, taken off, and we've got to record a ton of episodes to basically cover all of February. So send in content that you find on the internet.

Also, confessions. I know we've been talking about doing one of those episodes here for a bit. We'll be definitely doing those in the coming weeks as we record way far ahead. Reminder, the honkathon is on Patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. You can also gift a Patreon subscription. So if you know somebody who's into the dark humor bullshit, that is the Can You Don't Podcast, you can gift them, get them in here, and hopefully they stick around and be a part of the gaggle. Of course, you get a lot of perks with that, merch discounts. You get the merch first.

There's even exclusive merch, ad-free episodes, all that. Our next goal at 450, Geese, Zach's getting his own camera. Yay. Then there's a hot air balloon ride. And then at 500 is that extra Patreon-only exclusive episode. Exclusive. exclusive hot new mix brand new

banger we have a gorgeously gaped flamboyantly flunged horrendously hogbone dick It's just that title keeps Getting longer and longer And when I say I was just going through and fine tuning the episode for today

That's all I did I just put in some nice words You spent most of the time just coming up with that Three hours trying to spell gorgeously So that's not an easy word No, no. Doesn't sound how it spells. Is that what? Gorge.

Yeah, there's no little, there's no red dots underneath, so that looks correct. Yeah, the only red dots are under hogbone. And they just don't know yet. No, they will. No, then that thing comes a franchise. It's going to be in the dictionary. Let's get it in the dictionary. Oh, urban dictionary?

Let's get hogbone in the urban dictionary. Little rotten sled throwback? I mean, why not? See what happens with hogboned in there? Well, we already have a definition for it. Yeah. So, hot phone, it's like, if you know, you know. Bigger the pony tear, bigger the problem.

People are like, thumbs down. What the fuck is this? We do have some new merch thanks to our kid, Brent Muir. Check this fucking thing out. Set this in. Do you remember that part, Mir? I do. I don't even know how we got there.

I don't remember which episode it is, but I remember three or so ago now. I'm coming in. Talk about it. Come in. Can you puttys? So they have the can you don't racing team. It's like a retro throwback t-shirt in three different colors. We'll probably throw it on a sweatshirt too.

But anyway, you can grab that right now. It does help support the show. And we do truly appreciate it. And thank you again, Brent. Maybe we can get it into the, like the state line speedway in the shop. I know the guy that owns it. So I'll give it a show. We're on the right, Pat.

Give it a go. But again, that's available. And all our other merch. And my God, what a catalog. we have now. Where did we get those fire suits, dude? Those are, I don't remember taking those pictures. Have you heard of AI?

Artificial Intelligence. What is internet? What is internet? www. com.com. I want you to do a whole show. Just like that? Just the entire episode.

I would turn me off. I'm not even going to say a word. I just want you to do the whole show by yourself. Can you don't pop... Oh, geez. Can you know podcast.com, by the way, get that much. Yeah. I mean, we haven't gotten a call.

Whoa. It took a minute to stop ringing. Hello? Oh, yeah, I mean, it's a bad time, but yeah. I'll get them. It's for me. Joe. Okay.

Thank you. Knock my coffee over. Sorry about that. Hello. Okay? Yeah? Oh, is it? One second.

What? How big of a fucking idiot do you think I am? Oh, shit, dude. No. Just giving it time. I, no. No, no. Shut up.

Shut it! I don't care what it comes with Or how long It's there No No Like it's a running joke No one would fucking do this

Brian I can't do this right now Who is it? Bye Who is it? I'm whatever Who is? Hi This is Brian

I knew he asked for Joe But it's Brian What? Are you selling something? What? It's another time share Well I know I was just on the phone with him

What Oh, dude. No, I mean, I have, I already have one time, Jared. It's based out of Mexico. It's based. Yeah, I mean, they're... Like it's a company. I mean, we can go anywhere, but the Mexico's like the...

This one's where? Or, or... Kabo? It's right next to Kaobo? It's right next to Kao. It's in Iraq. Oh. It's a great opportunity.

Wow. I hear it's really cheap there right now. Well, yeah, I mean, I already have one, but yeah, I, obviously two is better than one. well can go wrong okay no I'm in I'm gonna have to call you back though this is yeah I know I will I'll call you back I promise just

you gotta talk to your bank first let me talk to my bank let me write down 1,800 Cobble 1,800 time shares 200 100 give me your money

yeah no I'll definitely call back when we're done with the show this sounds great my wife my kids are going to be so pumped. Yeah. No, I'll call back. I promise. Oh, wow. Okay.

All right, thanks. Dude, I don't get why you're so upset, Joe. There's a timeshare opportunity. I can't wait to hear how this goes. Zach, let's get this shit rolling. Do it! Hey, shut up. Start the show already.

Man, dude, I'm pumped. You know what sounds better than timeshare? What? Time shares. Dude, nothing says opportunity. With more than an ass on it. The way I figure it is I can just, I can sell the, or rent out the other ones to pay for this new one. It's going to be great.

And I'm basically breaking even to vacation. It'd be dumb not to. I'd be losing money if I didn't do this. Plus, I hear, I mean, we're like, Iraq's fine now, right? Yeah. Sure. It feels like lately it's just been a battle between Seth and Shane. Right?

So you can one up. So everybody else out there, and there's tens of thousands of you, send me. more stuff in. Not saying that these aren't good. This one is truly gold. But they are crushing it with the Would You Rather stuff. I know a lot of you guys do send those things in, but this one just, this had to go in. You ready for this?

Would you rather be a traveling hot dog salesman, but you can only sell at funerals? Or you can cure any STD in the world, but you have to lick all the infected spots. But you make 10 grand per person. So you can, that's a business opportunity. It would essentially absorb the, it goes lick at STDs right below that timeshares. Yeah. Like this is, dude, you'd be dumb not to. I could invite the people to the timeshare, lick their infections and stuff.

Like their whatever is all that. On vacation? Because you have people that, um, I'm sure you know this about just humans in general that are aware. They're aware of their bodies. right they know what's going on there's a little thing they're like ooh like that's not right and there's other people are like it'll work kick that one through the arteries

like they don't give a shit and those infected STD people are going to be a lot worse than someone who catches it early so you have a day at the office the STD tongue factory Hawk bones tongue factory where you'd go in there and you'd feel like you're printing

money you'd have a good run There's like one little bump, one little scabby thing, and you're like, and you go home with 50K. And there's going to be some bad days. Oh, dude. There's going to be some blue waffle days. When's the last time you looked that up? It's been a bit, but I do have. Yeah, fuck it.

Well, I mean, we can't show it. So you'd have to look it up. I look it up dating. I feel like I'm a vomit. I have a custom alarm clock. I'm not sure you can do this. My alarm goes off and it also has a picture of a blue waffle. That doesn't look so bad

I can't It's just a blue waffle Oh great Are you sure there's nothing else on that page right now? Smurf waffle all right Blue Waffle disease Don't look don't pull the next one up Okay

Wow anyway There's no way you don't know what we're talking about If you listen to this podcast So I'm sure you've all seen Blue Waffle There's gonna be those days There's gonna be ones where like A penis is so infected with herpes

It looks like it's inside out It looks like someone circumcised the penis took all the skin off pushed it inside out and then put the sleeve back over the penis right

like there's those types of dicks that you're gonna go how does one let it get that far just don't care like I'm not using it it's like or you are though

right sure it's how you got that but for them yeah but it was like a one time thing no one's interested they've given up they're like

it's just not worth the effort I'm not I don't have the insurance to cover this problem. So they just let it go and they go back to what they were doing and don't have to worry about it is my guess. I don't think it's like for funsies. No one just like, let's just see how bad this can get. So you could get, so you get paid the same whether you're taking care of that or someone's cold sore on their lip. Yeah, just one little lick.

10 grand. So, yeah. So those days, you're like, you show up to work and you're like, too, this is the greatest gig ever. And then you show up one day and you're like, you're. holding back vomit. And it really does depend on where you're working too. Like if you have your own private practice which is also

going to be hard to advertise. You got a problem. I'll lick it. You got diseases. I'll lick it. Having that be in like the testimonials I thought I was fucked. I went into Hogbone's tongue factory. Fucking look at it. Just gets his dick out.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Call me. I'll fuck it. Got a hole to feel? I'm there. All it took was one little whack. One little blad-a-d-d-d-a-t.

From Hogbones Tung Factory. Oh, my God. I just picture like a dog, you know, when they're licking, like, with that, with that, or like a cat with the rib tongue. A little sandpapery. Yeah. Like, I actually miss that. Like, if I, sometimes a dog or a cat would kind of lick in a certain spot, and it's like, it's like scratching a little itch or something. Yeah.

But never, like, an infected, diseased. Yep. STD area. I guess you're a yeah from Zach? All right, he's in there. Have you had an SCD? No, I haven't. Is that yet?

Have you had an SDD? Uh-uh. I can't wait. So, I haven't either, but I'm wondering like, uh, you probably find one. You being the person that has to go to the, the lick factory, the tongue factory. Right.

And knowing what's going to happen, but you're going to be cured. Right. I guess that's the thing. You are going to be cured. because I'm also thinking like, this guy just got done licking a blue waffle. Yeah. And now he's licking my lips.

You walk in. The doctor has like a tongue scraper. Yeah. Sanitizing. Sit down. Go ahead and sit down. I'll be out in a feel. Sit down.

I spread your cheeks. You have anal warts? Okay. Says here you have anal warts? No problem. I'll be out over there. Oh, God. Gagging himself, throwing up in the sink.

Okay, so there's that. Anyway, where I was going before the advertising. thought, sidetracked everything. If you had a private practice, you could set up your own clientele, and you could have the bar pretty high so that only people with money

who would tend to pay a little more attention to their body, would they be coming in, and you could figure out your business model that way. If you work down like a here locally, Chas, I've been in there just to pick up medicine for somebody else. Got herpes? Wasn't even my medicine.

But I'm not knocking Chaz. They do a good job, but it's like if you don't have anything, that's where you go. We have no money. The option before just cutting your dick off is chess. It's right above that. You got two options.

Cut your dick off, throw in the trash. Or go to this community hospital. And that's their advertisement. You want to keep your dick, not tossing the trash? Come on down. Come on down to chess. Keep dick. More chess.

1-800. Keep your dick. Yeah, come on down to chaz. You can keep your dick. Dick. So if you're working down there, you're going to be a Marvel. You've seen some stuff. Yeah.

I mean, you're going to get some praise. Let's jump to the other side. The opposite. This is not smooth sailing. No. Traveling hot dog salesmen can only sell at funerals. You get a lot of job opportunities. There are a lot of funerals.

No one wants you there. You'd have to force your way into this market, don't you think? He's like, he meant so much to me. Hot dog. Get your hot dog here. Colby here, hot dog. But also you're at the, and you are hungry though.

Seriously? You're crying. Everyone's crying. How long is this funeral? And you're just watching this guy like, he's like, he's, and he's looking at you?

He's giving a little, you give a little, your tug, and he's like, he's like, onions. He's like Matt You're like M.

He wraps back up. He's putting him on there. He's using a slap chop. It's just It's so hard without him. Joe! See, that's two angles. Joe, your sausage is ready.

You can have a stand. Let's say you have a stand over on the side of the back where you actually have to the people get up to walk to the stand and then they call, you take a number and then they call your number

and you come back and get it or the guy walking through the pews And like, which one's more obnoxious? I mean, I'm so sorry for your loss and you put the hot dog in their pocket. In their suit, in the jacket pocket. The front of the tucks or whatever you wear. The little napkin poke it out, but the hot dogs poking out too.

I didn't know Brian, but I'm sure he's a good man. You got mustard, right? You slide, give it a little pat and then rub their head. Like, this is to be the best part of your day, I promise you that. tip jars over there. Someone's up there giving the speech and crying and you just like, you sneak up behind them and just stick the hot dog in there because they ordered it. Yeah, yeah.

It's going to get cold. Oh, thank you. It's going to get cold. Thank you. And it's just been so hard. Oh, yeah. Yeah, thank you so much. Without him.

Using the hot dog wrapper to dry your tears. The foil. Go. Fuck. Got a little mushroom on your cheek. So many people crying while eating hot dog is so funny. No one cries They're eating the hot dogs

It's just the worst Worst food you can eat crying Hot dog Because a hot dog is such a It's a thing to eat where it's like When you're eating something with a fork You could be subtle with it You can a little like

Hot dog you're like You're like tilting your head It's such a It's a full body experience To eat a hot dog Giving a heartfelt speech To a crowd of crying people Eating hot dogs

Standing up there being like What the fuck am I doing? I don't know what's, so like two of my, two of my biggest fears or two of the things I wouldn't want to do. Or it's like people's disgusting things like public restroom. So I just ate that kind of shit. And then also say like trying to sell something to somebody who doesn't want to be sold to. I hear you. Are two things that terrify me.

So both of these things sound so awful. I don't know. The guy they're lowering the casket down. And it just. he's like, hey, sorry, I'm not trying to bother you. Did you, I'm about to pack up here.

Did you want to get a hot dog again? He's like, I'm putting the casket in the ground. Then he pauses for a second, he goes, of course I want a hot dog. Yeah. Yeah,

can you just wait a second? I'm so sorry. Sorry, I'm just back. I'm just packing up. I got another funeral to get to. Sorry. The idea of packing up to head to another funeral

is also crazy. Or like, and then when you are setting up, you know, When you go to a funeral down, like quick rolling up your advertising screen. You know when you go to a funeral, you walk in and maybe it's, put the fun in funeral. Maybe it's like a, um, a place where you walk in, there are like doors, but then there's like a,

maybe it's a gym or a church or something. You're the first initial doors you walk into. And then it's usually like the warming room. There's like pictures and there's sad music. People walking by looking at the pictures up on the board. Yep. and then just you get so you get your little form and then you you make your way through like the cute walking up and there's just a guy in the corner with a hot dog stand is a hot dog hat on clicking the little whatever they're called what they call pictures what they called that you pick up food with oh yeah tongs tongs jesus i was i was way off my brain he's like flipping around is you pick up the little brochure for the

funeral and you open it up, there's 10% off of a hot dog? Comes to the Coke? Yeah, and you look at it, you're like, what? And you look up and the guy's like, gives you a little nod. It's a little tear out piece. Shh.

John? One second. John! Hot dogs ready? Getting cold. I'm going to say it again, John. But it's like some new. York guy.

Hot dog yeah. Oh man. Dude, the contrast between like Eric Clapton or like just like a piano in the back

and then just hearing that. And I'm watching Breaking Bad right now. So this is a hot dog salesman, I 100% is Sal Goodman.

Oh yeah. Perfect. That is the character for this hot dog salesman. Always having a little witty something to say. Yeah. Before you say what you're going to say,

do not forget it. Picture it. I don't know If you're doing this, I'm picturing an outdoor funeral. Like I'm picturing a graveyard. Okay, so in a church, now picture dressed up, sad people walking through. And then a guy walks up there and takes up his hot dog hat. And holds it over his heart.

And you can hear it crumple up because it's the, it's like a, I didn't know him, Burr, well. But I do know one thing. Hot dogs. And they're like, God damn. And they're like, what's he doing? He goes, it's part of the deal. Like, for it's part of the deal. If he's going to serve hot dog series, he said he needs at least 30 seconds on the mic.

A little. advertising time. He's like, anyway, I'll be right over there, walks by, like, the, the picture that they have next to the casket, and he, like, he slaps a logo on it. A hot dog where the mouth is. You go, see? Even David loved him. He had a good sense of humor. He had a good sense of humor. Didn't know him, but I could tell you would have liked that. What? Oh, my God. Anyway. So, I guess if you want to do, like, the outdoor thing. So, like, let's say, I'm picturing the church, though. Yeah. And it's like an organ, you know? So it's, It's like this old lady like playing the organ

Like in a church You're Everyone's walking to their seats and everyone's It's like the little nods of Mm-hmm Like we'll talk later type of stuff You know where everyone's sad and you hear like And like

Are you close to them? No the fucking mustard It's so spicy It's so spicy I was like Out of nowhere No I got the jalapeno hot dog Don't touch your eyes

eyes. Oh, God. I was picturing like, now, so you hear the organ and stuff like that, and then you hear the hot dogs here, and all of a sudden you just hear, doodoo-l-de-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d-and- then back to the somber. Doon-dun-dun-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- So what's funny about this? Lace potato chips. At Marigames, they send out.

This basket's for donations. This is what's for lace potato chips? take one please yeah you put it in donation and get a bag of chips a little bag of police potato chips at team mobile park

they send down hot dogs oh yeah yeah and so imagine like how far you could take it god it's amazing but again just like you said with like

the like the awkwardness just I don't want to be a part of that I think I'm going to lick STDs and make a shit load of money hopefully my brain will kick and suppress that. And then I will have so many millions of dollars.

And probably made some people come. Yeah. Yeah. Or at least healthy again. Yeah. I mean, you are. Just go hard for a year or two. Yeah.

I mean, think there's so many STDs. You just got to lick them. Block it out. Forget your family. 50 million bucks. Move on with your life. And no, you always have that in your back pocket. But who also, though, is coming to you?

So, like, real quick. It's a hard advertising. play. You're going to have to do a bait and switch. Yeah. A real doctor's got to be there. He goes, okay, the only way I can cure your herpes is if you close your eyes. And you're like, here, put this blindfold on. You're like, all right. You put it on, and then you sneak out of a closet?

He's like, no, I'm right here. No one else is in here. And you're sneaking up. That was a weird feeling. That's just the ointment. It's just the ointment. You hear that. Yeah, you hear. Door shut. All right. You're cured. That'll be $10,000, please. I mean, so if you were, let's say you have the thing and you need to get your STD taken care of. Are you going to a doctor and getting like an ointment or are you going to a guy that's going to lick your...

I mean, if it's a tough... I know it's a tough sell. It might be tough business. Could be a tough business. It's a lot of money, but how many people are coming to you to have them lick? What's tougher? Talking people into letting you lick their junk to cure them or selling hot dogs at a funeral? I don't know.

It seems... This is you ever a bad time for a hot dog. Just because someone's dead doesn't mean a hot dog's like. going to be delicious. Yeah. So, like, my, I think I talked about it before, my dad's, uh, celebration of life thing, people who knew him, we just wore like jerseys, like baseball jerseys. We didn't talk about doing it.

We just started showing up and like people started walking in with baseball jerseys. So the idea of like a hot dog salesman at my dad's thing wouldn't have been too crazy. Because it was like, we had that, we had the, a mayor's game on TV. We're wearing a mergers jerseys. It was like, it. But celebration of life is different than a funeral. different than a somber funeral. Yeah, same thing. Hot Dog Stan would have fit in.

We just had music. A bunch of his old bandmates played music. Yeah, fucking Hot Dog Stand, get it in here. But at like the funeral, like at the cemetery, lower them in, all the grandkids are there. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, then, dun, then, do it. Hot dog, hot dog it. I'll probably, it's a tough sell, but I'll probably find a niche crowd where I

and make some good money licking privates or licking lips or whatever. What position did you play? Just because I would be so uncomfortable going into a situation like that and feeling so just I don't, I think that's too far out of my comfort zone. Listen, we both don't want to be here, but we might as well enjoy some hot bars. We might as well not be hungry. Why wait for the after party? Zach, what are you picking?

In a corner of the sad hot dog market, I think. Okay. That's a little like nasty shit. Okay. All right. You can play some music, though, too. I have. I got RV songs.

Keep the hot dogs inside the guitar hole. One second. Like string noise. Put it in between the strings like cigarettes. Got it back up now. You can use the hot dog as a slide? All right. Let's move off to what are you thinking about.

Zachy Pooh. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking?

thinking about. This one's got layers. What are you thinking about, Joe? This one's got layers. Kind of like hot dogs. Hot dog. So, first of all, I just want to make an apology. I've already done it upstairs.

But I felt bad because I guess what our listeners may or may not know, we did record ahead because I had plans to go to Nashville for New Year's Eve. That was the plan. Cassie and I have both never been to Nashville, which is crazy. if you know Cassie, because she's been everywhere. She, traveling for work, basically her entire adult life, has brought her to, like, almost every part of this great nation of ours. Have you ever been to and just point to somewhere in fucking Wyoming?

She goes twice. What the fuck did you do there? All the boys. Yeah! She didn't say that. But anyway, she's been all over the place. So Nashville is a place we both have not been. Nashville is supposed to be really fun on New Year's Eve.

So we planned on getting an Airbnb and getting the fuck out of here and heading over to Nashville. Now, the point of me saying all that is that we also had a backup plan, which was, you know, Nashville was kind of a stretch. It was going to cost some money. We didn't know if we wanted to spend that money right now. And then especially, you know, on the back end of Christmas where we spent some money. You were like, ah, I don't know. So we came up with another one, which was to head over to the west side of Washington to go hanging with that. Beautiful.

Beautiful. Westside, Washington. to hang with their family because their family's all over there, so maybe pop over there for New Year's. And that was the backup plan. Get a little tuna. Yeah. So what I'm saying here is that was where the hopes and dreams were. Was Nashville fun, fuck off and have a blast for a few days.

So most of the eggs were in that basket. They were in the basket. Nashville egg basket, which is probably a restaurant there. The egg basket? The old egg basket. Why not? Ye old egg basket. And then at least traveling, you know, three, four hours away.

How far, Seattle? Yeah. And heading over that direction to hang out with some family, have some fun, whatever, maybe go to a casino because her dad loves it. Snow quality Casino. Oh, God. You wouldn't catch me dead. Winning is just the beginning. At the Snowqualmie Casino?

That's not right. I think is take it. This is ours now. So anyway, you have the plan, you have the backup plan, and we did our due diligence to just like make and New Year's was fun. Here's what we ended up doing. Repainting the house. It's quite a change-up of plans.

So when you look at, which is, I mean, which is fine, you guys know all about the kitchen remodel. Now that the kitchen's in there, when we first moved into this house, one of the things we had to do was repaint all the walls in the house. Because it was some weird peach shit. It was terrible. It was just like.

What is with people that own a house before you? And they're just like, you know what? This is cool. Like, who are the, who are the people that own houses before people show up and go like, what the fuck? And you guys saw this one before we got to it. You're like, what do you? What? This was just here forever.

So they're like, oh yeah, we love it. And they're like, okay, bye. We got the sale. And the first thing we did was rip that out. That's dumb. Love it. Love it. Love it.

Love it. Love it. Love it. Can't wait to throw it in the driveway. So that was that. And we already painted it. And it's, if you know anything about painting. and it wasn't a, every wall in the house is a big fucking project.

It already sucked. It took a long time. So now that the kitchen's in, it doesn't match. And we had to basically repaint everything on that side of the house. We didn't have to redo anything. But the polar opposites of Nashville New Year's Eve bash, concert, food. Live music. Just everywhere.

In a wonderful music town. And then what we ended. up doing was painting the house. Listening to music on a stereo. Watching the Nashville ball drop on TV. It could have been us. While, uh, while, uh, cutting in the ceiling with the paint.

And being like, hmm. And it was something that we had to get, you know, we had to do. We had to get it done. We knew it was coming. And we decided to do that instead. We didn't, we didn't even go to another thing. We didn't go out. Yeah.

We didn't go to a friend's house. We didn't go anywhere near here. We just like, basically were like, well, fuck it. And we just stayed in, which is fine. We made the best of it. But that's what we did. Some neighbors were lighting off fireworks, so that was cool.

So you had a little Nashville with you? Just the... That's interesting. So a huge swing. You know what, though, Joe? Big hopes, paint house. Big hopes, big dreams. Basically none of any of that.

None of it. No. I still want to get to Nashville though. I'll make it over there. One day. One day. I'm going to play devil's advocate here. Play me. As much as that sounds like it sucks. How many people, at least our age now, and it's not even just our age, but like maybe introverts or people who, there's an ongoing joke. Like there's something about, oh, we have plans to go out and the plans get canceled. And you're like, now, you're like, now you're. just get to be at home. Yeah. So as much as like... But localized plans, that's one thing. I get that release. Yeah. But planning a trip.

Like you and Amber were like, we got all dialed in. We got tickets for this in Vegas. And then you don't go. And then you're like, huh. Let's redo the floor. So I can... Let's replace the toilet. I can speak a little bit to that.

I didn't, I didn't replace the toilet. But I was going to go to football. college football bowl game a couple years ago in San Antonio, and there was the big airline strike thing going on in Southwest. So bought the tickets, bought everything, had everything, spent all this money,

and then we couldn't even go. And so I ended up watching the game on TV, which it was good game. We won. But as soon as the game was over, I was like, I'm glad I'm not there now. I think you brought this up once.

I'm like, now I don't have to travel home. I don't have to do any of stuff. I'm like, As soon as the game was over, I'm like, ah, click. I'm already home. I don't have to travel and to do anything.

So as much as that probably sucked on that night, as soon as the ball dropped and everything was over, you're probably like, well, now we're home. Now we're home. And I would like to think that... There's still five more hours of painting. So that's a whole other thing, too. Like, I guess I would try to think of it as like,

oh, we don't have... Because if you thought, oh, we have to paint, and it's almost like, punishment for not going. I would like to think of more as like, you know what? We had a free weekend. Making the best of it. And we got the painting done that we needed to get done because when were we going to do it before?

We didn't go. So now we got it done. And now, now look at you. It's all painted. Yeah, you've still never been in Nashville. But you don't have a chore lingering over you right now. Nashville's not going to paint my house. Right.

And it's still going to be there. You can always go back. I'm feeling better already, Brian. You can go to Nashville. next year. All right. There's also a bar called Nashville North in Spokane. You can just go up there. It's damn near the same thing. Almost. I hear. I hear it's beautiful this time of year. Lovely folks. Is it still trying to think about the last time I was in there? Is it still a giant open room with not a whole lot going on? I don't know. I've never been there. Have you been there,

Zach? Oh yeah. Do you do square dancing out there? Not one time. You head up there? Didn't that used to be Big Al's? Was it Big Al's Nashville North? And Kelly's before that. Oh yeah. Kelly. I've heard a lot about him. I met him a couple times. I went one time. Big owls. So anyway, I think it's the same concept. Big giant open room.

So you can do some square dance. Just a honky tone. Roadhouse. Roadhouse. They do got the mechanical bowl, I believe. Oh, haven't seen it. Wasn't there. I must have escaped.

Can you imagine? Mechanical bowl just fucking. Just runs down the street. You're like, ah, fuck. You know? Just vibrate until he goes down street. It's like, yeah. Bye.

So, you made me feel better. You know what? Yeah. Okay. Just think about it that way, Joe. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate it.

All right. You ready to get off to that flamboyantly flonged, horrendous hog bone? Fucked. Sike. Dude. All right. All right. What just happened?

I just tried to put the cup down. Just threw coffee at my guitar? Mm-hmm. Wow. That sounds like something you'd see in Nashville. I had a little reverb to it's all. Got a wet sound to it now. Reverb.

I believe I've shared this on the show. That, the dumb, interesting, cool intro, I came up with that while taking a show at my dad's house. Before we started the show. I was just in there, I was like, Can you play really quick? I don't remember it. I don't remember it.

I actually don't know any songs, which is just not that kind of musician. I don't remember songs. Especially the ones you wrote. Yep. Don't remember those either. Okay, I'm going to read this. Oh, never mind. It's all in the head.

headline. Do you want me to skip it? And you guys can try and guess what might have. Nah, fuck it. Here's the headline. Ready? See this guy's face? Of course you did. Man watches X give wife, then allegedly drives off in her car from hospital. Gives what? You forgot birth. You didn't say birth. What I say? You said give X. Then allegedly.

So you're telling me I killed it. Yeah. Man watches X give birth. There you go. Then allegedly drives off in her car from hospital. that's yep nope that guy look at he's like he's like probably shouldn't done that I knew better looking back at

yeah looking back that was a bad idea so here we go Kentucky man is facing some felony charges after police say he attended the birth of his child and then allegedly fled the hospital parking lot in the baby's mother's car leaving her stranded just hours after delivery

Were they going to kick her out Christopher, yeah, get out! My husband took my car. You get out. Sounds like a you problem. Here's a gift card for a hot dog. Selling hot dogs in a hospital? Christopher Millett, 37 of Tomahawk,

was arrested Saturday night following an investigation into a reported theft at the Pikeville Medical Center according to local authorities and court records. Do you think we're going to get our first news station mentioned? I'm waiting. for it. Please say, Millett, went to the hospital to witness the birth. What a weird thing to say. To witness it? Yeah, I saw it. Now, how about to be there? A hospital to be present for the birth of a son or daughter or child. He just wanted to catch a glimpse of it? He's like, nah, I've seen enough.

Witness the birth, but was not permitted inside due to visitation policies. The child's mother, identified by officers as his ex-girlfriend, reportedly allowed him to sit in her vehicle to stay warm. while she remained inside the hospital. After the birth, Malette allegedly returned the car while the mother stayed behind at the medical center. When staff later expected him to come back inside, he was nowhere to be found.

The woman soon discovered her vehicle was missing. Dude, this... I mean, like, what is this relationship? That's what he's thinking. He's sitting there sitting there being like, what am I doing? I can't even go in to witness the birth. Dude, like, this sounds crazy.

Easy. Right? Yeah. It's wild. Investigators reviewed hospital security footage according to the Mountain Citizen. There it is.

Which allegedly shows Millette initially entering the passenger side of the car. He was then seen exiting the vehicle, moving into the driver's seat, and driving away from the hospital. Oh, I need to slide over. He gets in there, he goes, I can't fucking steal it from here.

The mother told officer she attempted to contact Malette by phone. He allegedly answered but told her it was none of her business. Where the vehicle was? This is a great family. Where's the car? No, your fucking business.

Give birth. Push my baby out. Have fun watching birth. I'm gonna have fun fucking doing donuts. I'm in a safeway parking lot. Fucking rub. And then cut to his mug shop. Tell that ugly baby.

She's ugly. What? What? Ennis! Click. Meant, me. Authorities later located Millette and paint.

Dude, these Tomahawk and Paintsville? Roughly 45 minutes from Pikeville Medical Center where he was taken into custody without incident. Yeah, you got me. Yeah. Police say he was driving the woman's car at the time of the arrest. A $10,000 bond. I'm sure he's not going to get that. The case remains under investigation, but no-code court date has been announced.

Dude, you even see where he's being held? Oh, wow. Where WNBGT TV. Big Sandy Regional Detention Center. Big Sandy? Big Sandy. All right. Sure.

I've been the warden here ever since it opened. What's your name? Big Sandy. Darren Williams, but my friends call me Big Sandy. That's right. That's story for another time. I'll spread your cheeks. This man's going to lick your butt warts.

Oh, God. I hope you got cash. I can't have syphilis running through Big Sandy. I can't anybody come in here to witness this birth with blue waffles running around. It's just blue waffle. Free corridor, sir. Now lick this puss or get in the car. You won't take the next one?

I'm not over this one yet. No, we're never going to be. Nope, no, no. Let's see. Let's do some more AI stuff. Love it. Seems to be a theme on the show, right? Always.

Cops forced to explain why AI generated police report claimed officer transformed into frog. Look at this picture. I guess I guarantee AI was made or used to make that little tree frog wearing a police frog stomp. Officer Hopper. Oh, Stranger Things. Well done.

Didn't watch the final season. Don't ruin it for me. I'm sure it's terrible. I'm going to tell you everything can happen. Don't want to know. Law enforcement has quickly embraced AI for everything from drafting police reports and facial recognition. I think AI shouldn't be used to draft police reports. Yeah.

I mean, that's a hard period. It's probably someone who witnessed something and like a human, yeah, like this is what I saw. I'm going to write it down. Not give it to chat GBT and be like, thanks. Talking to some hillbilly and then you get the transcript and you throw it in a chat GVT you like make this legible. Make this like a... I ain't going down to the perfect who took the car.

I ain't seen nothing nowhere. I was burning rub. Safeway Parking not trying to witness baby come out hole. Mom, mama's mother call me. I fucking hate it. The guy just like, click. He's like, click, and he writes it back. Suspect is, was, was, uh, was, whatever, doing donuts in the Safeway parking lot.

He is not happy with his in-laws. Would you like me to make this more professional? Would you like for social media posts? Would you like me to write this in a fun, lighthearted Instagram post? No thanks, Chad, Jimmy, too. The results have been predictably dismal. In one particularly glaring and unintentionally comedic instance, the police department in Heber City, Utah

was forced to explain why a police report software declared that an officer had somehow shape shifted into a frog. Imagine being like, I don't know the positions in a police office, but like, fills it out and turn it in, someone's just reading it, and they're like, hmm.

Like they're, you know, ski, you know, whatever end of the day, Friday is getting through. And they're like, what? They scroll back up and they're like, fucking shape shifted into it. I can't deal with this right now. This is the third shape-shifting officer this week. I just, yeah.

They, like we've said before, AI is great in certain capacities. Until it ain't. It's just, but you still got to have some human elephant. Elephants. Oh, Jesus. The elephant in the room is AI. AI is great and everything, but you still got to have some human elephants.

The fuck did you just say? trying to say how important does to have humans involved and just say that that's why we have in front of Congress we still need human elephants involved what that's my time

I'm not taking any questions no questions one question what elephants no shut up all right back to you oh god Salt Lake City based Fox 13

reports the flawed tools seem to have picked up on some unrelated background chatter to devise a fantastical fairy tale ending. Kind of like that email we got. Oh, yeah. Right. The body cam software and the

AI report writing software picked up on the movie that was playing in the background, which happened to be the princess and the frog. Okay. Police Sergeant Rick Keel told broadcaster referring to Disney's 2009 musical comedy. Yeah, we've heard of it. That's when we learn the

importance of correcting these AI-generated reports. Oh my, and I, I've seen this article, they don't have the whole report in there, but I just have like this, the combination of the two, right?

Like, police open up. It's like, he's like, I'm not doing nothing for you fucking copper. And it's just like, police officer enters room wearing beautiful gown.

Put your hands up, said the princess. Just like last time. Officer O'Brand, I'm done with meth. I'm not cooking meth no more. He said as he turned into a frog. Ribbitt, ribbit.

Yeah, exclaimed. Exclaimed. Exclaimed the frog. Exclaimed the frog. As he hopped down the hallway holding a gun. Holding his shotgun. You're just like reading it. You're like, what the fuck? I mean, I was wearing a gown, but he did not turn into a frog. Oh, my God.

Oh man. So get AI maybe out of the old police department thing. I'm sure at least just monitored a little bit. Yeah, what's what they're trying. Yeah. They, yeah, it's, it's, uh, anyway, is there, uh, let's see. I mean, it will make jobs easier. I'm sure there's a ton of mind-numbing bullshit that police officers and departments have to fill out, uh, just because that's their job. But I think a lot of those checks and balances are in place for this exact reason. And having AI just be like,

Like, I don't know. Fucking turned into a frog. Print. It's like, mm-mm. Can't be doing that. Because if it's written with AI, think about that. It's like, well, no.

This report said that you had a gun. It's like, well, did you use AI to do it? Yeah. Then I'm free. Mm-hmm. Because, yeah. Because now I didn't. Take that into a courtroom and it's like, yeah.

Did you see me? We talked about this where it's like you're in a courtroom and the guy's obviously guilty, but they're like, the evidence wasn't handled properly. So he walks. Yeah. It's like the. Dude's going to kill again. He opened the door with his left hand instead of his right.

Free man! Right. Yeah. So you start introducing this kind of stuff. And it's like the lawyer's like, it said that he turned into a frog. That's obviously didn't happen. So everything after that is irrelevant, he walks free. Because he's not a frog.

All right. Let's move off to our next story. This one is, I mean, it is sad. But I had to put it in here. one because of just how love can make you completely blind and what this guy did is so fucking

horrendous that having this even muddled in the same sentence, I'm like, tough self. Here's the headline. Good father with an alcohol problem accused of throwing baby across room. The man in his

30s is also said to have slammed his partner's head into the wall. Jesus Christ. It reminds me. you that email we got about the guy's like he had a moderate drinking problem while he's pissing in suitcases. Yeah. He's like, That's not moderate. You've done enough. Slight anger

issues. You chucked a baby across the room. A father threw his infant across the room and slammed his partner's head into a wall in Dublin. Before the baby hit the wall. When he tried, it's a magic trick? And he tried to, uh, when she tried to protect the child. The man in his

30s who cannot be named for legal reasons was charged with assault causing harm Let's talk about who this guy is. Causing harm to a woman and a baby over the weekend. It happened at Dublin District Court, where the prosecution consented to an additional bail of 1,000 pounds? That seems like, will that cover the drywall? It seems low low.

Cover the drywall damage? That seems low. A little low. Zach, can you convert in your brain pounds to dollars? I think it's like two grand for a grand or $1,500 or something. I was going to guess $1,500, maybe. Does. Jeez, Louise.

Garta Carol Pich. Alleged that the mother had settled the crying baby on a pillow beside her, and the accused came in late and drunk. Hello! It was said they began hitting the baby with a pillow, which the baby tried to... He likes it. Which the woman tried to take from him.

Just give me the pillow. Uh-uh. Just hitting a crying baby with a pillow, too loud. Too loud. Dumb! The court heard claim. that he grabbed her by her head, slammed her head into the wall as she tried to remove the child. It was alleged that he threw the baby across the room, the infant hit the bed frame, suffering bruises.

The court heard the man grabbed the woman and threw her down and proceeded to punch her in the face. Jesus Christ. We're still getting there. Garda Peach, or Pich, stated that the man then left the room and she locked it from the inside and escaped through the window. which Grotta later used to enter the property. The woman's mother had telephoned them to alert them about her daughter. Another child was in the property was removed. The court heard the woman was terrified.

So here is that one little line where I got to find it. I know it's in here. I found it before. Hold on you guys. It has to do with bail. No, it has to do with, they asked her. They asked her like, you know, what she wants to do. In response to the cited flight risk concerns, defense solicitor don't care,

stressed that the client was in full-time employment, had lived in Ireland for several years, had child care, and was a family's breadwinner. Questioning the Garda, the solicitor established that there were no other witnesses and the prosecution relied on the injured party. The court heard that the man had never been arrested before. The solicitor argued that his client would abide by several conditions, which the prosecutor agreed for the bail. I also pointed out, in addition to the terms, the...

What? Complaintant, right? I'm lost. Okay. Addition of the terms of Complaintiff said protection, God damn, what am I trying to fucking read here?

I'm just trying to find the quote. It went over and they talked to the woman whose head was smashed into the wall and her baby was thrown across the room. And she said, but like all this, she's scared, she's terrified,

but all at all, he's a good father with an alcohol problem. No. That sounds like... It sounds blind. Right? Yeah. Well, a lot of women who are battered, they have that thing that happens where, no, he's not usually like this.

And it's like, no, you're... I finally found it. Let me just read it so we can get a little close on this. The bruised woman came to the hearing after just going to a family law court to obtain a barring order. So with a restraining order, but also said she had concerns about the man being in custody. She said that he was a good father, but had an alcohol problem. He doesn't normally throw the baby across the room like a dart. This is the once a week thing.

Like we can't base every, like his character around throwing a baby. What is that? Four times a month? That's 48 times a year. That's basically nothing. I mean, eventually they're going to run out of drywall for him to slam my head into. And that's the long play. And that's what I'm going with.

Good man, he just needs to cut back on the booze. As a judge, how do you just listen to that and be like, okay. Sounds like that woman's way too. good for that guy. Yeah. I know. I know. Dude, imagine getting so pissed off that you do that.

Throw a baby? You could get there? I could never throw a child. Could you put a woman's head through a drywall? Everyone could. Yeah. It's really easy, actually. Yeah, the sounds just silly question.

Yeah, their heads just go right through it. I could not. So much stronger. I could not throw an infant baby. But you'd be crazy to say that a woman couldn't drive you to shove her head into a wall. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I can see that. And every woman could shove another woman's head into the wall or a man's head.

I think everyone could get to that point, right? Like, if you killed my kids and you were a woman, I'm going to put your head into the wall. Yeah, probably worse. You get it. So, yeah, of course. But anyway, I just want to shine a little light on that because that guy's in Dublin and hopefully he actually gets in trouble and doesn't get let off because he's a good man with an alcohol problem. One last thing. Did he throw the baby first, then put the head through the head?

Or did he slam the head and then grab the baby? and threw the baby into the bed frame. So imagine slamming her head in the wall and she's like coming out and he's like, you see that? And then just fucking she's like like a discus and hits the bedpost. Does the discus spin with a baby? That's a little more than an alcohol problem. That's not fun. She's going to end up killing him one day.

Well, I mean, it's probably deserved. I don't know him, but we'll see. We'll see how that plays out. Unless she just runs her mouth. Maybe she's running her mouth. And on that story, let's hear some good news. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance.

Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! To his point, I mean, crying babies are annoying. I had a colicky baby, and I remember describing to people who would ask, like, what's it like? And I would say, it's, I probably sound like a psychopath, but I was like, what's it like? Everybody, every muscle in my body was tensed up in squeezing except for my hands. So like I was completely tense, but my hands were loose holding the baby. A soft angry statue.

It was very weird. And I was like, I had, it takes everything for you not to go, stop! Squeeze the toothpaste. And I used to like tell people, yeah, I used to tell people, I was like, if I didn't have that thing in my brain that said, you can't shake this baby or you're going to kill it, I can see where dads or whoever moms get to the point where they were shaking baby syndrome is all your. You've all your options, all your patience. Because if you've never been in that situation where all you want is this baby to stop crying because you are fucking, you lost your mind, it takes, if you don't have it in that brain that says, do not do this. I, if I heard a story, I'd be like, I would, I get it. Yeah, yeah.

But I get it. And that's why they have noise canceling headphones now. So, yeah. Lose, Zeus is late to the golden keys. Matthew Leonard Maggie Stokes Matt Johnston Neil Dover

Jason Clacer The Sofa King George Tasado Jordan Holiday Daniel Spots Rayla Anunnaki Yay

Yay thank you guys Again that's the Golden Goose tier Right now all the slots are full We have talked about opening it up For a couple more Maybe that's something we'll do

But it might be hard to promo that as we've recording. Maybe we'll do one and have everybody just dive and see who gets it for a literal month of recording in advance. So we'll see. Maybe we'll do that when we get back. So you guys know about sound therapy, I'm sure being sound guys, musicians and stuff. I've heard of it. Is that like where you're just like soundscapes? Yeah, they like, you go to a spa or some sort of relaxation, maybe a yoga thing and they have like a big bowl and they're like, mm-hmm. Right. There's more and more science.

pointing towards that this is like fucking legit. Mm. Because now, I mean, having the, I think it's like, I mean, they can scan your brain and play these different frequencies and watch your brain react and release like serotonin. What if it pisses you off? Then you, you put a, you put a, one, the, then you're one step closer to thrown an infant across the room.

All right. And so this is the 528 hertz. Oh, cool. I got an air. I'm going to hop on over here. You guys have heard this in every spa, every, every, every funeral that you, hot dog. Hot dog here. They'll let them right in the pearly gates.

Hot dog! This right here that I'm playing is 528 hertz miracle frequency. Colby here. It's live and we are watching this right now with 190 other people. Oh, this is actually happening? This is happening right now. We're inside of a fucking nebula right now, too. that. So I hear like I've always heard about this stuff and I always thought like a little little

little little but like too hippity-dipity. When I think about it, like the more I listen to it, it is almost impossible to be stressed out. Oh, we could get there. I could put a head through a wall. Like we could have it. It'd be hard to have a heated political debate over this in the background. Because eventually you stop, you're like, you're like, yeah. It does. I'm sorry. Doesn't it feel good? I'm sorry. What about like putting that on a little playlist. You get done with work and on your drive home, you just put on a little 528 hertz. A little different than the 808 base drops. So why do they call those 528 hertz? Because that's what it is. That's the frequency, 528. And so they say the frequency does something to your brain. Yep. It's specific to it.

It has an actual impact on your brain. Like it's not just like the overall thing of listening to something soft and kind of majestic and magical, like that little soundscape, just that frequency alone can trigger your brain to release serotonin. Well, certain things do that. I mean, like infrared light and saunas and stuff like that. It pierces the whole thing and rejuvenation and stuff like that. I went into, they have like new beds that aren't red light beds. They have like green light and all these other like quantum frequency things now.

And I laid in one that was made to like, basically did certain pulses to like affect your brain and I laid down and it being like come on and I started hallucinating with not not taking anything I was I was 100% sober and I laid in there and like oh yeah this is like for your like for your brain like headaches and blah la I was like yeah okay like nerd fucking ripped his beanie off and took his hacky sack shoved it in my pocket close the door got naked laid down there and hallucinated like every he was fucking crazy Like it weirded me out so much. I never did it again. Because I don't know if it was good or bad. Yeah. But now I'm just this now. Is it good? Because I don't know what I was before.

I'm different, man. I do. I am different. And it was just light. I wasn't like, I was against it. I was, uh, what's that called? Respectic. Yeah, you're resistant. I was like, uh, whatever it's called, you manifest it because like placebo. We're like, this is good for me. I had the opposite of that. And it made me, it's not going to do anything. legit hallucinate and like sweat and I didn't stop it it wasn't like a scary hallucination but like just a bunch of shapes and colors and like the brain warp like but my eyes were closed so everything I was seeing was inside my brain fucking crazy um so anyway scary I'm better it's working yeah you seem better thanks man this was like years ago so but you seem it's a long play thank you that means a lot to me uh anyway so uh if If you're feeling stressed out, as we all are, especially this time of year, get a little lonely.

You want to get some love in there. Just go look up some 528 Hertz playlist on YouTube or your Spotify account. Some football guys. I'm just going to go jailing hurts. Go birds. Fly Eagles fly. All right. I found something on the internet.

Okay. And I'm going to show it to you as soon as Zach allows me to. There he is. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits. You can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out.

Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome. Just a reminder, that's where AI voices were when we made those sounders. Now think about them. I use the kid AI voice in the commercial I made recently. It's so...

It's a fucking kid. And I picked it as a joke. Originally, I was like, what the fuck's this? I was like, well, this is way too cute not to use because I was talking about kids' classes. I was like, dumb little kid boys. Like not saying the words all the way right. Come to my class because it's lots of fun.

Add Lisp, no list. Amount of Lisp. Mike Tyson's the highest one. You just say it's a little dial. My eight-year-old Mike Tyson is the highest setting. That's why they don't allow me to be a part of like professional things. That's what that's, that's why I don't own a very successful company. Well, that was going to say that's like a Tesla thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we'll just do that. He got it. Ask dads. And then I guess as a parent, I mean, and then you have a spouse or anybody, this is for you.

It is a, you know the, I've seen the fart button ones, right? So it's just a little remote, it has a speaker on it, and you push one of the fart sounders, and then it plays a fart sound. Someone got sick of being disappointed. And they just made a disappointed sigh button.

Okay? 1099. You can't get this bad boy on Amazon for a little bit more, but I figured we'd show off a different website called Off the Wagon, which I'd never heard about before. They have a video showing off the sound. It's not a very good video, but when I listen to it, the first time through, it did sound like the mummy. So there's a whole joke. Here we go. Hold on. The guy asked. Yes, the lawyer replies. Now, what's your final question? Wait Push it again It's so good Why is it so funny when it's a little

When it's a little Like I remember Like soundboards Remember in the early Early internet where they would just take clips of movies or whatever, but it was like an actual... Twist my nipples!

It was an actual soundboard. And I remember one of, I remember there was a place you could go, had like Arnold Schwarzenegger sound bites. It's soundboards.com or dot org. Yeah. And you make your own and there's so many in there. Well, they had like Arnold would do that. They had an Arnold one,

but then this guy would do prank calls and he would just use that soundboard. John Seda! That guy? No, it was pre, this is like 20 some years ago. Yeah. Sound buttons world. But it was like, who are you?

I've asked a few questions. I'm going to have an answer immediately. Who is your daddy? And the guys on the other, like, what? 101 soundboards. Is that it? That seems right. God, this is going to be great.

When's the last time you went to 101 soundboards.com? Maybe it never. This isn't it. What? This isn't it. But I know exactly the website. I don't even know the one I'm talking about exists anymore. It has to.

because everyone came out with one but that was like the one that you would go to A lot Most of them were like Kindergarten cop References Kind of garden cop

Oh man Anyway So those are there I'm a police officer If you want the The side one That's be a good gift for somebody There you go

But something about a button Makes it so much funnier Like you could just something And you just push a little button And it's like a voice doing it Someone tells a laugh And you're like And you just get it out of your pocket

You're like, huh. I had, when I was a kid, I had a fart machine. I bet you did. And it was a little thing that I would just carry around and made different fart noises. The kids have one right now in their room. And they leave it on. I walk in there to put laundry away. It's like,

it's so funny. If I just made the noise with my voice or anything, it wouldn't be as funny. But the fact you're pushing a button and there's a voice, it's like, everyone's just like, ha ha! That's the funniest thing ever. Wow! Whoa! That's so creative.

Time to hear from the kids? Hell yeah, brother. I think we've got a couple girthy ones this week if I remember right. Hey, Zach. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

Would you like to take the first one? I think you should take the first one because it's a bit girthier. Okay. Our first email being sent in anonymously, which typically means it has to do with either dicks, butts, butts, or vaginas. Don't include my name, Joe. They write. Hey, Daddy's and Uncle Zach.

I would like to stay. anonymous. Yep. Please, just in case someone a part of these events happens to hear. I'm sure they're not going to recognize who it is. To start off, it was a cool winter night. Me and my friends were all hanging out for our buddy's birthday. The night started off good with just having some beers and a couple of shots, dude. Oh, yeah. Every terrible night started out the same way. But so do the good ones. That's why it's so hard. Yeah. Which way is this going? Then the first girl that I was ever officially talking to and trying to date shows up.

Yeah! She was about a year older than me. She experienced. And all my friends knew her before we had started talking, so it was like really nice to have her come hang out with us. How did they know her, though? Then the night started to get a little wild. Oh, yeah! We all started feeling the liquor.

And someone suggested we call our local high school drug dealer to get a couple of joints. It sounds like an undercover cop I think we should call the the local drug dealer and pick up a couple of joints Are you guys down? Are you guys down to smoke a couple of joints If I call the local drug dealer?

Would you guys do a marijuana? Would you guys smoke a marijuana Even though it is illegal And I'm not a cop Not a cop You know to celebrate birthday boy And get crossfair Nah

Na na na na na na na na na Colors that you shine I couldn't remember the words He shows up sometime later With a couple of his friends And my buddies By the joints By the marijuana

And somehow They ended up in the house Whoa Not here The door You guys let us sit Oh okay And if I remember correctly

I'm too fainted bro They got threatened to have the cops Called on them And it almost turned into a shootout Good Lord That sounds like the drugs Licker and joint stocking Because they wouldn't leave

Hang out with the They wouldn't leave Get out of here Nope No dude We're partying now After that we decided to go to the garage And smoke the devil's lettuce

And we were all sitting in a big circle And start passing around the first joint I take one hit And start coughing my ass off And everyone says Okay that's enough for you Well then they lit the second joint And it got passed right in front of me

I grabbed it really quick And took a huge hit off it And held in the best that I could Come to find out of it Come to find out they were wax joints. Zach? Yeah. What's a wax joint?

I don't even know, but I think it has to do with oil stuff. They were laced with something. Let's take a look here. What is a undercover police officer? Like, we sat like, just like, Jesus Christ, sounds so not cool. A wax joint, also known as a twax joint. It's an infused joint. This is like a standard cannabis joint.

Dude, this is the news anchor that's like, that doesn't know. what's going on. You are right. It has cannabis concentrate, specifically wax added to it. So a dab. So a dab infused with a joint. So held in the best that I could. Come to find out, they were wax joints.

So for my first time being, hi, I smoked a fucking wax joint while drunk. Now is where the fun part starts. I remember walking into the house. That's always the back, how was last night? I don't know. I remember walking. into the house and

pretty much nothing and now I'm here walking into the house sitting at the kitchen counter and watching my two buddies try and make food and the next thing is I'm sitting there with my arms crossed rocking back and forth in a chair saying I don't like

this get me out of here you should have gone with the drug dealers after that I don't remember hardly anything except waking up in the middle of the night on the floor of the living room completely naked with the girl I was talking to writing my dad God damn.

Oh, yeah. I remember looking up, seeing her bouncing tities and saying, oh, cool. And then blacked out again. Oh, cool. He's like, oh, hell, yeah, dude. Oh, man, I wish I could smoke those tities. Come to find out earlier that night, two of my friends found some Cialis and told me it was ibuprofen and gave it to me. Oh, no.

Because they wanted me to get late. So rape? I do appreciate it. but I would really like to have actually been a part of me remembering losing my virginity. Oh no, to the girl. Is it the same girl that he wanted to date? Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, the one he was talking to.

And this is why I have never smoked weeds since. P.S. I was 16 when this happened. Sorry for the long email, but thank you for everything you guys do. I love the show and hope you guys have a great 2026 sent from my exes touchscreen vibrator. Could you imagine waking up and you're like whether it's the girl of your dreams or not but it's like you've never had sex before

and this girl that you've been like wanting to pursue and you wake up and there she is and all of a sudden she's naked on you and then you pass out it's like one of those dreams he says blacked out so if he could still be like from her perspective

he's still functioning he's rock hard but he's alive if he was just like dead with a boner then she needs to go to jail Yeah, well, sure, but what I'm thinking of it is, sure, sure, sure. What I'm thinking of is, does he, like, do you miss the bouncing tiddies part? Yeah, she's fine. That's what I'm going.

So, like, you're welcome. You know when you're in a dream and all of a sudden it's like a, it's like a sex dream? Anymore when you get one of those like, oh, you're like, oh, sweet. But in the side of the dream, I'm thinking, like, in the dream, I'm like, don't wake up. I'm like, in the dream, I'm telling myself to stay asleep. Because you always wake up at the worst time in those sex dreams, you always wake up right before you're getting fit. And she goes, I want it. And you're like, wake up, you're like, oh, God.

And you try to get back to it. Where does she want it? Where does she want it? So imagine waking up in his real life. You're like, this person I've been trying. And the first time, it's all, everything's right there. And then you black, you don't remember it. Yep.

Yep. And that's where your V card went. Right up in smoke. Yeah. You get it. Wax joint. Threesome sex. All the kids are talking about wax joint.

Jack joints and bouncing tities. The local drug dealer won't leave. Can I have two Cialis? It's that the news anchor that's a little edgy and the weather girl and the other anchor are kind of like, oh, Fred. Oh, Fred. That's not the old thing with a downspout? Yeah, he's just dropping one-liners and they're like, oh, oh, Fred.

And then the sports guy joins and he joins in and it's like, oh, fuck. God. You got the weather gal, the anchor, and the two. sports guys just making inappropriate ephanisms okay uh i want to read the second yeah let's do it fucking read second email coming from our son yosh yosh and yep more dick stuff fuck yeah that's fine though yeah he writes hey papa joe and dirty daddy bryan wow

nothing for zack not this time doesn't give a shit about you i feel that uh in the late 90s when i was 10 to 12 i was real into the simpsons for some reason i think we all were No. Don't feel weird. Big time. Yeah. Or more early 90s, maybe. Then I fucking grew up. My mom got a job.

Wow. I was into wrestling. I moved on to better things like wrestling. There was a realtor named Cookie Kwan. So me and my neighbor made up a game we called Cookie Kwan. Stay on the east side. One person would throw rocks and the other would throw sticks at each other. And whoever bled for us was the loser.

Lehoo. Sigger. I always won with sticks. So we were fucked before the internet. Got it. Yeah. I was one with sticks because I couldn't throw a rock worth of shit. What?

That's weird. If you can throw a rock, you can throw a stick? That's right, brother. Also, reference to another episode where you guys were talking about, Come! I had a fancy event I had to go to and I needed some dress clothes. I'm assuming that's and we didn't have tons of money at the time, so we went fancy shopping at cold.

Dude, that's awesome. Ah, yeah! That was exact same time. I was in the dressing room, trying on some pants. I took out my basketball shorts and started putting on the pants. It sounds like me at the dressing room.

Apparently, someone had come, came. You got it. Well, someone had came all of the bench. Is it your fault? Yeah, came all over the bench. Yeah, came all over the bench. Okay.

I sat the pants on and I stick. And I stick my hand in it when I was pulling them up. God. Is there a situation where you hope it's not? I hope it's not come. You keep you hoping. You're like, please tell me someone blew their nose on the dressing room bench instead of being. Probably the only time.

Probably the only time. Hope someone blew their nose on a dressing room bench. Any other time you just stuck your hand someone else's snot, you were vomiting. Yeah. But that time. In that case, you're like, who. You're like, who. You're like, who.

You think it was snot. That's not good Little taste You're like Oh, that's come Fuck me I don't know Maybe come would be better

Probably Yeah Probably more peer Yeah a little more pure Yeah More protein Yeah I'm brother

I lost my shit I pulled off my pants I ran out of the dressing room And my underwear To the bathroom And vigorously scrub my hands It's a total Normal

Non-caotic situation Yeah Didn't It didn't jump To the The lady's sitting there Like Putting the hangers

Back on the He opens it up. I got fucking someone else that's cut on my hands. And you're just in your underwear. She's like, what? Only something.

God. Just folding the clothes. There's a family like she's covering the kids' ears. You're in your wighty tides with someone else's come on your hands, going to the bathroom. I got someone else that's come on my hands.

I would call the police immediately. Okay, back to you. Because first of all, how would that happen? Yeah. Then I had to shame walk back to the dressing room and afterwards, explained to two very muse cops.

That's exactly what I would do. How I had some random person's semen all over my hand. You're not going to believe this. So there I am, trying to steal these pants. Yeah. It was by far the shittiest shopping trip I've ever had. I will never go back to Coles. Well, you know, like...

It's not Cole didn't come on the bench. Yeah, and it's... What, Mr. Cole was there jerking off on the bench? The odds that you run into the same guy gonna jizz all over the dressing room is pretty low. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, just thought I'd share some of my hilarious miscellary

Fortune, love the show guys, keep up the good work. Come Soak, silly goose, Josh. Yeah, what an experience. That's gross, dude. I would freak out, too. I had to go to McColl's first time and a long time, but it was just to return an Amazon package. Oh, yeah, they have those little lockers there. Smart play.

Just get people through the doors by using someone else's business to get people to even know your store still exists. Yeah, and then try to steal you with a coupon or something. And they put it in the way back. So you have to walk through the whole store, just to return your $5 toaster screws. Yeah. That's how we get Toys R Us back. Come on. Yeah.

Yeah. Why don't you just go a UPS store? They wouldn't allow it. This particular one you had to go to an Amazon return thing. They're in cahoos with big box. Listen, they're above my pay group. Yeah, but they've got some business dealings going on. That's episode 1-8-7.

Hope you guys had fun. On a mother-up. I had fun today. Yeah. Again, we are recording basically a whole month in advance. So send in content you find on the interwebs or in your own lives. And send in confessions. We need confessions because we are going weeks ahead.

Like if you're out there and something you do is come on dressing room benches, just tell us about it. I was going to say, go get into some mischief and then tell us about it. Yeah, and then we won't tell anybody. Right. Well, we'll tell everybody. We don't tell who it is. Who it is.

There, that's fair. Hey, guys, at can you don't podcast.com. Hawkathon is on. Please support us on Patreon. It means a lot. Head over to patreon.com. So, can you don't podcast. Got that new racing merch at can you don't podcast.

com. I'm kidding. Again, thanks to Brent for that design. Available right now. Rate and review this show. We listen to your podcast. Go check out what Uncle Zach's doing. Where are the cards?

Are you just fucking done with it? I got more cards coming. You should take a year off. Scatcast.com, scat with a K. Do go check out his funny-ass universe. It is a complete chaos. And it's beautiful in every single way. And a big shout out to the babysitters that moderate the can't

you don't playground on Facebook. I did see another warning in there. The fact we're still alive is beyond me. Let's wrap this thing up. Zaki Poo! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I didn't know this fact.

Maybe I did, but I completely forgot. Is it a fact or a fact toids? It's a fact. When you think of war, what's the first war that comes to mind? I'll tell you mine. We're a war two. That's number one. I was going to say like the war of 1812.

That's there, Zach? The first war that comes to mind would be World War I or two. World War I or two. The Revolutionary War. Okay, those are all there. Those are great. How many years did those, the span of those, four years or so? World War I, World War I, World War II, were both about four years, weren't there, Zach?

Yeah. Here you go. So this blew my mind. The Roman Persian Wars, longest in history. this is generational hate multi over 680 years yeah began in 54 bc

all the jesus shit happened and they were like I still hate you and then ended in 628 80 that's some spite god just like had enough like raising kids to be like I don't care what you got you can grow up you can be a doctor

or go kill some fucking Romans. Hate the Russians. So I just did like a quick Google search and I was like how many generations is 600 years? 680. It's almost 700. Okay. So I go 680. You see what that changed it to.

So 22 to 27 generations. Like that's that's that's you figure like grandpa, great grandpa, great great grandpa. And then it's like you're great, great great. That's going way back. Now we're talking another 20 on top of that. Yeah. Just fighting the entire time. Well, let's, I mean, put it in something that us Americans, uh, can better understand.

America. America. 250 years old. 249, right? Are we about, about to hit 250? Yeah. So, fucking what? 680?

A third of the way there. My God. I couldn't hate anything that long. I mean Fuck you know Was it women in the war Just clinging on to Never mind

Sorry That was a bad joke Yeah Just tasteful I'm sorry Off to the bonus stuff Thank you Zach How long is this war gonna last

I told you last week I told you last week And then you's fight over it for 680 years I'm sorry All right Let's do it Let's wrap the show up Bye bye bye

Bye bye Before say something stupid