Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Woodpecker. Fertilize. Murphy. Antivenom.

Episode Date: May 21, 2025

What position did you play?! Let's talk about that, the implications of having one arm that's an entire foot longer than your other arm, lonely people caring way too much about their Roomba vacuums, all the different "laws" that people use to navigate society, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/rSzlbR1GdFUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Woodpecker. Fertilize. Murphy. Anti-venom. I would like to invite everybody to episode 153 of Can You Don't Podcast with Brian O'Brien. And Joseph Paisley. I'd be so bummed if I was walking out, like, bases loaded, bottom of the ninth, two outs. And the announcer's like, welcome to the plate, Joseph Paisley. Who's ready for some cookie-e-crisp? Remember those? I sure do.

Co-e-crisp. Candy for breakfast. Oh, cookies for breakfast. That's what it was. That's what it was. Sign up. Get the bonus content. Patreon.com slash CandyDomePodcast.

Get the bonus content. We keep going at the end of every show. You get exclusive merch. You get merch discounts. All that shit. Ad free. Just go fucking do it. We keep going at the end of every show. You get exclusive merch. You get merch discounts. All that shit. Ad free. Just go fucking do it. We love it.

It's how you keep this show going, baby. Send in the content you find across the interweb. Web. The interweb. Web. Web. Including anything. Petty beef.

You get in a fight with somebody and you're like, this is so dumb. Send it to us. We'll decide. Hey, guys. At canyoudon'tpodcast.com. We'll decide how dumb it is. Yeah. We are doing lap time on the show today with Uncle Zaki Poo.

That's me. Zaki Poo Poo Fuckhead. Oh. Sorry. Is that my new nickname? No, it's just a callback to the text exchange we had earlier. I just thought it was funny to be mean. All right.

What are we talking about? We're talking about, you guys know about Occam's razor And Murphy's law, there's quite a few of those So we're going to talk about principles, laws Heuristics, that kind of stuff We're going to stretch our brains Yeah, there's some pretty interesting stuff in there Yeah Fuck yeah

We have new merch Go check that out, go pick it up I did email Mike before we started recording today to see if he got the gift that we sent. Unfortunately, did not hear back, so we don't get to share the pictures this week. And we are recording quite a few episodes in advance because of moving

shit, so you guys will find out maybe in 2026. But we sent Mike. Promise, it was great. What? Who the fuck does Murphy think he is anyway just right making his own laws shitty laws too damn i can't wait to talk about it um anyway like murphy would be like trump when he's in his he just makes a law and he shows everybody he's like you guys see how cool my signature is he's like check that out that is a nice signature mr president we don't

have to harp on this but uh have you ever watched Trump sign his name? How weird it is? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm referencing. He's like, it is bold. It is there. But he doesn't write it. It's like he pushes the pin. He doesn't write it.

He pushes it. Yeah. He goes like, whoop, whoop. It's just like a regular marker, but he's dipping it in ink. You're like, sir sir we are so far past it kind of feels that way we're past the have to push and scoot the feather pen damn that's a good sound it is a good sound impressive that actually what are you drawing kind of makes me sound like the old like the old days when they would write it's just like

wow damn what does it say that gave me that's like one of those sad just scribble like the old days when they would write. It's just like... Wow. Damn. What does it say? That's like one of those sad... I'd just scribble. You're just drawing a dick? Yeah. What if that's how he signed all of his things? Just a penis?

He's like, this law is instituting Sharia law. And penis. Anyway, see you later. See you guys on X alright let's move on let's get the show rolling real quick. I know. But as soon as I knew it was like he wasn't going to be pushing the button, I just held the screen. Well done. Thanks for covering for me. That was like a Zach at home for dinner. That's literally what I heard all the time.

Zach! Time for dinner! I'm mom! Mom, I'm doing a handlebar spin! I'm giving Jason a ride on my pigs! Everybody knew a Jason. Can Jason come over for dinner we don't have enough spaghetti right there's always enough spaghetti okay you know jason and i's mom are feuding you know that she can make her own spaghetti spaghetti uh this came out of my

brain would you rather have one arm that is an entire foot longer than your other arm i think cassie and i were holding hands and i just my brain was like dude if my if i was arm that is an entire foot longer than your other arm. I think Cassie and I were holding hands and I just my brain was like, dude, if I was had longer arms, it'd be a disaster. Like thankfully, you know, I think what she's, I'm 5'9". 5'9 is something if I want to be a dick about it. Yeah, 5'9 and a quarter. And she's

5'6 and 5'6 is something if she wants to be a dick about it. But our hands like they line up when you're walking. And I was like like what if it was too long or too short like somebody has to make an adjustment that's quite a pain in the ass your your arm is like bent so that's where that came from uh an entire foot so put your arm out and put a foot on it yeah like not not a half foot not a couple inches an entire foot What are you doing over there? I'm trying to measure how much wrong. How would I do that? I don't know wait, so have you tried converting the football fields?

So you bet like that yeah, I mean be great for some things I can't reach the Switch can't wait to talk about it it So foot longer than the other arm Or not be able to close your eyes So you can blink Okay But physically you can't keep them closed So we can try to go to sleep You just can't

Or put a mask on Yeah people sleep with their eyes open You would acclimate James Hetfield That's one That's half the would you rather okay sleep with one arm longer get more more arm to grip your pillow uh yeah you can blink so you can you can moisturize because i knew that was going to

come up that's why i added that little caveat right because you're like well fucking your eyes are dry out and then of course i want a longer arm i actually never even thought of that you can moisture you can moisture but outside of that like something terrible's happened something's terrible is happening and you're like oh my god like you just want to close your eyes away it's super bright out you're the only guy at the beach like this it's so kind of like uh is it clockwork orange uh sure is that that's the right movie yeah where they pry their eyes open yeah yeah right so you're basically like that yeah also mk ultra in canada they did it for real. They did a different experiment.

It was really bad. Yeah, so there's certain things that you couldn't do. I mean, kissing. Kissing. Like a first date, you're going for the kiss and your eyes are just... But you have a couple blinks, you're like... But outside of that, your eyes your eyes i think are like just on you they're open open like squinting is that that's a cheat like they have to just be like

this at all times like not not like you're prying them open but they're just open like you're like regular open just a deadpan stare is what your eyes are like all the time yeah but you can blink them you can just be like yeah that'd you. That's you all the time. Or you got one arm. It's just a foot longer. It's my bowling arm. Because, yeah. Not being able to close your eyes.

Like, that's a big deal. That sucks. It's my shot blocking arm. Something bright happens and you're just like. The eclipse. Don't look at the eclipse. Don't have a choice. You rapidly blink right sure god go ahead and give it a go no thanks like you like you're on i didn't know until i just started doing that how i i need to work out my eyelids more because i can only blink for so long

until they start getting a little tired and slow down that's even worse dude oh having your eyes oh yeah it hurts dude i think that's like oh that might be uh seizure yeah like like i was just did it quite a bit that was fucked strobe effect because i didn't like it and but the lights we have in here we have lights they're you know they're light lights yeah so it was like and then there's i'm staring right at a fucking neon clock and that was tripping me up okay oh so you mentioned benefits of having a arm a foot longer and you went right to light switch which i think you've been in the toilet what or like yes i, I forgot to turn the fan on. You're like,

ah, damn it. I'm like, sometimes I'll do, I have to like grab stuff to like flip the fan on. Really? Yeah. If I forget to run on,

because it's just far enough. But with this, I'd just be like, so you would take lifelong, you would take lifelong, which army are you going to pick? I mean, I'm left-handed when I'm writing.

Oh my God. What a disgusting human you are bending your foot long armor arm armor armor armor would suck custom made yeah everything you're tailored suit cost a little bit more do you remember back to the future too how come my suit's a hundred dollars more because your fucking left arm is a foot longer that's why oh okay that makes sense that checks out yeah great suit though anyway i like to shake your hand he's like no thanks yeah scoot back you're weirding me out you'd have to imagine like walk up to shake people's hand you're like stopping way too far. You're like a safe COVID distance away. Yeah.

All the time. You're COVID compliant. Oh yeah. Marty McFly, young Marty, Marty's son and Back to the Future 2, his jacket. They have those things where they push a button and it goes, whoo, it dries. And then it goes, it like moves up to your perfect size. His isn't, it's just like one arm's dangling around all the time it's about the perfect length that it would be yeah the computer just like you cannot make it sets on fire so every so where i was going with this is like

it's extra long with him but it would be the opposite for us so like you put a shirt on and this one fits perfect and the other one's up to your elbow that'd be kind of weird yes it would and just like the basic thing again i was saying writing so i've got my left hand and i've got another foot yeah okay we're like this isn't you really have to right now everybody listening put your arm out and touch your fingertips and then go a foot beyond that now so now you're writing like what are you curling is is your whole arm a foot longer or is it like from the elbow down to the hand is that an extra foot or is it from shoulder to elbow i think it'd be evenly distributed because that would be funny too if your forearm was just a foot longer you bend your arm up here and then your arms up here like picture that basic things right

i mean jerking off let's see like jerking off dance like this is about right like right yeah because i mean it reaches your dick yeah but that's cool longer you're like you're up here you're doing a you're doing it You're doing a tricep curl. See, that's killing my shoulder already. See, you have to get used to it. And then imagine the weight of the appendage. One arm is going to be swole. But also just the basic thing like clapping.

Right? I mean, so have we ever talked about this like when you clap without me describing what i'm about to talk about yeah how do you clap yeah right hand on top okay kind of like clapping my right hand so one is you're not a you're not like a two flat hand like a wind-up monkey yeah yeah you're. No. Cause there are those people out there that bring like equal hand in. That's like standing ovation kind of, but even in that scenario, one is a little more stationary and the other one's doing the whack. Yeah. Even like if you do a golf clap, it's like with my left hand is stable.

It's firm. And then my, the right hand. Yeah. One's just there. One takes, one pitches the right hand. Yeah, one's just there. One takes the beat. One pitches and one receives. Yeah. So if I'm clapping, it's a big old fucking. One's the taker.

Yeah. So yeah, there are people that do this. Like just clap. I know. He's like, yay. If you see footage of like the early, early 1900s, it's that really fast frame video where like. Bravo. Bravo. Yeah. 1900s it's that really fast frame video we're like just it's just so much hand uh holding like let's say you're playing baseball like arms are even we're here but But your elbow's hitting the backstop? Yeah, one's here.

It's kind of like when you're holding a sword. I mean, there's got to be some advantages, but just day-to-day life. You'd get used to it. I didn't know you could reach me from there. You'd probably dunk. Yeah. You would get used to it. I like the idea that...

But would everybody else... That's what I'm going for. Huh? You would get used to it. Would everybody else get used to it? like the idea that But would everybody else That's what I'm going for Huh? You would get used to it Would everybody else get used to it? Yeah Or are you just that person? I just love the idea of you

It's one day it's a switch So you're used to this It's not like you were born like that So you're used to it It's gotta be an immediate switch To everything that you're used to doing You now have a foot long Extra arm

Flong Flong Flong arm What if you just It's a foot long extra arm flung flung flung arm what if what if you just it's a foot longer but it's actual foot too oh that sucks yeah that would suck okay not be able to close your eyes yeah there's certain things like always being shocked or like being crying you're at a funeral and you're just like would you like to say a few words? You're like, yep. Walk up there.

And then you're like, you know, you're telling a story, you know, when we were kids, you know, you remember cousin Jordan or whatever. And you're just staring at his soul. Yeah. Jordan. Just blinking sometimes. Nope. You would look very awkward. Sleeping okay sleep mask, that's good dusty scenarios, pollen

can you sleep with your eyes? how crazy you would be there's a dust storm and you're just fucking everybody run for cover you're just doing this with your eyes open running through it in the pool, oh yeah pool, that sucks goggles, so that's a fix yeah

but god man i think that there's going to be advantages that maybe i'm not seeing right now well if you had your eyes open you'd be able to see it nice you can't just not finish it there it is. Zach, do you have any input on this? Not a bit. I would use it to dunk and block shots at the YMCA. High goals for that disability.

Yeah, just head down under the Y. I definitely wouldn't want anything to do with the eyes open like that. So Zach is, on average, his arm being 6'4". 5'9", 10". So you think you're three to four inches longer wingspan on one arm than i am zach this looks bad i don't know that does look bad looks bad in both directions so it's here imagine if it was out there like that like the taller you are the extreme ups and ends of like the height spectrum Like if you're Zach I feel like you could hide that But if you're Shaq and you also have a foot longer arm

That's a problem What if you're a little person You're 5'9", 5'6", exactly But then you're vertically challenged But your arms a foot longer Just dragging on the ground But we're answering for us And not a Peter Dinklage foot long it's like

an actual foot long yeah it's a whole foot so it's a whole another arm it's double your arm basically doubled your arm length wow um i'd go arm and go an arm instead of i thing it's just about the ymca dominance really that's right you know and that's really we have to have your heart you know yeah Every decision I make is how much is this going to benefit me at the YMCA. I don't flex on those fuckers.

Oh, the kids I could diddle at the YMCA if my arm was one foot longer. From a distance. They'd never know it was me. Diddle from a distance? Yeah. Diddle from...

Fucking Joey Distant diddle? Okay. I'm going to pick foot longer arm too. Diddle from a distance. The inconveniences, I think gonna pick foot longer arm too Diddle from a distance The inconveniences, I think there's gonna be some top shelf advantages Nice I think the idea of not being able to shut your eyes would be torture

Okay Just because there's nothing better than like a long day You're tired and you lay down in bed And you get to close your eyes and you're just like Now imagine you're like a long day, you're tired and you lay down in bed and you get to close your eyes you're just like oh now imagine you're like a long day you're like your eyes are still just god i love popcorn ceilings god even i mean i don't but you'll learn how to sleep you will scientifically i know that you can Somebody's gonna Scream at me And answer this question But like How hard is it

To fall asleep With your eyes Open Open Well it depends On what you're used to But an eye mask Again

Cheat I think masks For all of it But still Even if it was dark You could still Fall asleep Without your eyes

Being closed If you had to If you're tired enough They could sort of Roll back But your eyelids Are open Yeah

And then spiders Would get in there That's the only reason I close Yeah. And then spiders would get in there. Mm. That's the only reason I close my eyes. So spiders don't get in? So spiders don't get in there. And to make sure I can see, I can do a no-look pass at the way I'm sitting. Right. Right.

I mean, if you're that worried about spiders, I would say probably the eyes thing for you. Yeah. Just peace of mind. Yeah. Got to close them. You could also squish a spider. Imagine how well you could squish them. A spider up on the ceiling you can't reach You don't have to get a step stool

Plus you're adding extra force It's just physics God you're whipping that thing Your high fives would be supersonic Slapping your wife on the ass in the kitchen High five and everyone's like no No Do you get extra size on your hand too too, so you get a bigger hand?

No. That's not part of it. Just longer. You know, like back in the 80s, the 70s and 80s, when Steve Largent catch a touchdown run up, high five? Yeah. Yes. I fucking love Steve Largent, so yes.

So I was waiting for you to chime in. So that old jump up and high five after a touchdown, but imagine having that extra reach. You'd have to jump. You'd have to have a 40-inch vertical to get there. You'd have to have a fake hand strapped around your forearm that normal people could high five. A little extendo arm.

You hit it. It has a little button on it. It's like, oh, yeah. It makes the sound. It's like, but it's delayed. You're like, not the same satisfaction. Yeah, the latency is a little ruining things. All right, long arms.

Next thing. Zach, fuck! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit.

What are you thinking about? Joe's being efficient today. You're not giving me a chance to fucking ramble about something. Ruin the show? Well, he did do that one thing with his arm. Oh, yeah. You already ruined it. What did I do?

You were doing the handout thing. Yeah, Steve Largent, but also Nazis. The thing that worked real good. It's hard not to do when you're talking about long arms. Well, my heart goes out to you. Oh, my God. The people listening. Any ounce of Tesla, folks.

We've got to lean into that. Stereotop! So, this is sad, and that's okay. What I'm thinking about for today's show is another commercial. I promise I'm being more active. It's just always on in the background. You believe me? Yeah.

Okay. I do because I know what it's like to just kind of have some noise on in the background, even if you're not, if you're like you're working on the computer. Yeah, you're packing stuff up. Yeah. It's just something. Last week we talked about it, like just watching a bunch of HGTV, like just, you know, we're mixing it up.

But I took a break from HGTV and I went back to the bread and butter. Yeah. Okay. So I'm back on the Game Show Network. And this, I sound like just a crotchety old man, but just certain things in life make me laugh. And this is one of them, especially with like my professional background of commercial production. Right.

So radio for a decade and a lot of long and a large part of my job there was making commercials, some national, but mostly local. And you have to understand your script and the, and what the mood is and adjust your voice to fit the environment okay uh there was a commercial that came on and first of all i'm not sure how long they think like this particular technology i'm a little confused on how this is even a commercial first of all so it's a landline

telephone right yeah so we're already past that now it's a landline telephone that has closed captions on it okay and the company is called clear captions great uh and the idea is that you pick up the phone call hello and the person talking from the other side of the phone, what they're saying pops up on a little screen so that if you are older. Hearing impaired. If you are still buying landlines and your ears don't work, then you can see what the other person is typing. Great. That's fine. It's helping people.

It's using technology to improve your life for the life of seniors. The issue that I have is every time I see this is like the whole casting, there's a whole production involved. They spent however many tens of thousands of dollars to get this commercial made, hire these actors, and then set up a scenario that makes these grandparents be like, I need to get a clear captions phone. And there's one line. And lucky for you guys, it's right out the gate. And I don't know why he chose to deliver it this way. But it's an interesting choice by the actor.

It's fucking amazing. Okay, here we go. I'm going to play for you guys. Hi, Grandma. I played baseball today. Oh, that's great. Right here. What position did you play? What position did you play?

Hi, grandson. Hello. Hello, real grandson. Starting at grandson. Oh, grandson. Starting at grandson. I played baseball today. Hello, real grandson. It's real grandpa. What position did you play?

And the way it's cut, it's grandpa, grandma. They've been clearly spending a lot of time in the sun because they're retired. So it's two tan seniors. And they're both hanging out in the kitchen. And there's nothing whiter than his teeth. Let's see that again.

Can you pull that up on the screen? Oh, sure can. I just want to see his teeth. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Those are not real. Those aren't real. That's great.

What position did you play? Nice cardigan, too. And it goes on to say. Right, right. Hold it goes on to say, first base. That's what Grandpa used to play. That's what I used to play. Look at this. Look at this guy.

I did. I did play. That's what Grandpa used to play. Did you do a big play? Did you hit a baseball ball? Did you hit the ball really far? Real grandson. Real grandson. Real grandson.

Real grandson. What position did you play? Did you have a fun time playing baseball today? Did you have a baseball mitt that had the leather on it that you could catch the baseball sun, grandson? Joe. And the fucking, I just pictured the people shooting it. Obviously, fake kitchen, fake people

selling a clear captions telephone. And he's walking up there. Again, if you're not watching the video version, he has a coffee mug that's as white as his fucking teeth. They were like, we can't have logos

on anything in this house. No one wants to be tied to this shit. I remember when I played baseball. What position did you play? And he puts his hand on the back of fake grandma with his coffee mug, and he leans over the shoulder to the clear captain's phone and goes, what position did you play and then they have overdubbed grandson being like i actually played first base

that's what your grandpa used to play i know but before we had clear captions telephone i never would have knew what my grandson was playing gosh i can sure hear see well today baseball game but wow there's strikes strikes and balls am i right grandson what position did you say you played the clear caption telephone said first blaze did you play blaze yeah that must be a typo that must be a typo on the clear captions telephone. But the guy filming it, right? He's like, okay, you have one line.

He goes, he's talking normal. I got it. He's like, I'm going to kill it because it's not that hard. All you got to do is just say it. And the phone will have my lines on it. So he's got to read the phone. He's like, okay. He goes, okay.

So he just comes up and goes, alright, action! Hello, grandson! What position did you play? Cut! No. Jesus. Say it like you said it a minute ago. Like this? What position did you play? Yeah, say it like that. Say it like a human would say it. Like a human would.

Okay, put it on. And he just goes, what position would you play? Cut! Jesus Christ. He goes, we need more authenticity. He's like, so just goes what position would you play cut jesus christ because we need more like authenticity he's like so louder what position did you play no no more inflection like like just rolling off your tongue like you just like oh say it like say it what position did you Where the fuck did we get this guy? Brollactors.com? Fuck! Sure do love my job. What color are you using?

Crest white strips, grandson. How white are your teeth today? This is the voice I used in the Crest white strips. It's going to work perfect. This will fit right over here into Clear Captions Telephone. Just fuck off. There's nothing in my coffee cup. What position did you play?

And I loved it so much, it's now a hotkey. What position did you play? Yeah. God damn it. Welcome to the family. What position did you play? It feels like it needs a little more body to it. Yeah, it sure does.

What position did you play? It feels like it needs a little more body to it. Yeah, it sure does. What position did you play? 99-2! KPFM! What position did you play? Playing all the non-stop hits! Brand new banger! Brought to you by Crest Whitestrips. Brought to you by Mariner's Baseball.

Brand new banger. Refused to leave. I think it's a sound. What position did you play? What position did you play? Can you roll the commercial? I just want to see her. Oh, you want to see what she's doing?

Yeah, I just want to see. First base. That's what my grandpa did. What position did you play she's doing yeah first base that's what grandpa did you play oh that's great what position did you play first base that's what grandpa used to play when our hearing wouldn't allow us to use a regular phone it made us feel isolated and then right then before he starts talking i want so bad for him to be like, what? Because she's not a clear captions telephone. No.

Yeah. But he can hear her clearly right now. Yeah. He looked like, he just goes, he looks like Mr. Rogers. He does. And that way he said on the couch, difficult to communicate

with our friends and family. Clear captions. Friends and family. Have you applied for the friends and family discount? She's killing it though. She's seasoned. Yeah. She's in there. How is the rest of the commercial? She's killing it though She's seasoned How is the rest of the commercial?

How long is it? Is it a long one? We're not watching a minute long clear captions fucking commercial Just every time it comes on I play Bay... I just go fuck And then of course I do this I turn and peek up What position did you play? Do you know why they call it a diamond?

Grandson How often do they play this? A lot? Yeah What position did you play? Do you know why they call it a diamond? Grandson. How often do they play this a lot? Yeah. Sometimes they'll do like, I've watched certain channels. Like you'll be watching a fucking Hulu or one of those things. And there's someone that's, they're really pounding a product and they'll play the ad over and over again. So you'll see the same fucking ad over and over for like a week.

Is that what this is like? It comes and goes and waves. You don't always need a clear captions telephone. And they understand that. They probably thought they hit this commercial out of the park. What position did you play? Real home run with this one. You get it. Except they struck out. I just had to bring that in. What position did you play?

Because it just doesn't... Especially if you're talking to a kid. Oh, to bring that in. What position did you play? Because it just doesn't. Especially if you're talking to a kid. Oh, you played baseball today? What position did you play? What position did you play? Fuck you, Grandpa. Are you okay, Grandpa? Across the screen, he says, fuck you, Grandpa.

Can you talk to me like you love me and not like an announcer? For a Sixers basketball game? Oh, real grandson. Real grandson. Definitely my grandson. Oh my gosh, grandson. It feels like I haven't seen you in years. Baseball diamond.

Do you have any chest hair yet, grandson? Grandson. If you played shortstop, you'd have chest hair, grandson. First place is for, first place is for pussies. For pussies. That's why I played it. Hey! Did you have, have you whitened your teeth

today, grandson? Those have to be, uh, what are they called? What? The fake teeth? Veneers. Those have to be veneers. There's no way those are real. Well, look out, real grandson. When I was playing first place playing baseball catch,

a ball hopped off the dirt and hit me right in the teeth. And now I have these veneers. And he just pivots to a veneers commercial. Call now. Get three veneers for free. Oh, wow.

Look at these pearly whites grandson. Cut it. Double play. Double play. Triple baseball, huh? Diamond. They called it diamond because of the shape, grandson. Is grandma there?

She's right here. Why? Can I talk to her? Yep. You sure can. Good job at the baseball game today. One of my favorite things with commercials in general is when they, or even with movies, like there's some like old romantic comedy from like the early 2000s when it's like a

cowboy, but it's like, it's obviously like a male model. They threw cowboy, like terrible cowboy clothes on. He's got some wish something. And it's just not what a real cowboy should be at all. That's just that anytime they try to be something they're not, and if they're a bad actor, it's so cringy and funny. Like this guy trying to be a grandpa? Yeah, like trying to be a grandpa. I mean, I was hesitant to apply for this role.

I'm not even be a grandpa. I mean, I was hesitant to apply for this role. I'm not even a real grandpa. He's dedicated his entire life to acting. Never had a family. I had two kids. They both died in a plane accident. Grandson. So I've always wanted a grandson. I've just never had one. Especially one that's played baseball.

Your face. Yeah, no, I would have loved to have grandchildren. Both my kids died in a plane accident. Ha ha ha. Wow. But I think this role's great for me. Web. Web.

Web. This is my big break. This is my big break. Wow. He's gonna get a radio gig out of it, too. He's gonna get fucking fired. Oh. The only way they're selling these because insurance covers them i have a i have a video that i did a couple years ago it's about infomercials and the overacting in the infomercials it's awesome and i and a lot of people are like oh that's so funny that's how that's how they are and like that's what that's what you're saying that's why i made it that's what you yeah that's what you're supposed to think but then every every single time

i share it someone will be like you know they make those like that because they're meant to they're they're targeting elderly people and they need to explain it however they do it and it's just like you just you just write back no yeah like Yeah. You just write, nope. No shit. I realize why they're like that. And also, that's not why they do that. So shut the fuck up. That's not at all why they do it. You don't pull a hose out and go,

and drop on the floor because of fucking old people. Old people, no. They do it because it's entertaining. And it's cartoonized like it's made to be like a fucking like what and hopefully your brain is mush and you don't realize that's not real life the woman with trying to talk on the phone and do the dishes yeah she's like oh yeah oh my god i forgot how to hold a dish because I'm old! The phone falls in the dishes and everything. Hands on the hips. Oh no! What am I going to do now?

Get the new flip phone. It's one of those ones. It's the clip that holds the phone on their head. Order now. Get a free veneer. Those are expensive. One free veneer. That won't fall in the sink. Dishwasher safe veneers. Do your veneer. That won't fall in the sink. Dishwasher-safe veneers.

Do your veneers fall in the toilet? Fall in the toilet when you're trying to take a urine? When you're hiding and jerking it as an old man? No? Then change the channel. Hi, I'm Bob from Clear Captions Commercial. You'll remember me from this commercial. What position did you play? Oh. What position did I play?

Oh, what position did you play? Trust that guy. Alright, moving off to Dick. Fuck old people. Let's go! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Dick.

I'm still 39 years old so I can say that. I'm going to be an old guy real soon. Jack's pushing it. I'm still 39 years old, so I can say that. Yeah, I'm going to be an old guy real soon. Jack's pushing it. Yeah. I'm feeling it. You're feeling it? Not really.

Oh. I think you look great for 61. Thank you. I'm 42 years old. Real story. So this is funny, and this article happened to just pop up after a personal experience that I'll share with you guys. But just imagine this little motherfucker.

Just something you can't really do anything about. Fucking up your town. So one pesky woodpecker has terrorized 25 cars and counting. Also, who's counting? The guy out on his porch is like, 22. 25 would be a nice front number. Holy shit. 25 cars and counting in a Massachusetts town.

Oh, my goodness. There's a whole massive fucking cart. Whatever. A seaside Massachusetts town is being overwhelmed by vehicular vandalism with at least two dozen vehicles attacked since march the suspect is described as wearing black and white while sporting a red hat journalism at its finest oh and he's about two feathery feet tall that's right he's a bird specifically a woodpecker in heat just trying to fuck something yeah how about this window how about this window

what position did you what what what kind of mirror did you break uh the call of the wild can lead to hostile and sometimes destructive actions by the local fauna and it becomes more noticeable and noticeable in areas where people also reside thank you so that's journalism at its worst so what we started with was was journalism that was fun and light, and then the next one was condescending and insulting. To make sure that we understood this type of behavior is really cool, unless it's fucking up your shit. No.

Okay. Thank you, journalist. In Rockport, Massachusetts, a wildlife, or a wild and wildlife, that is destroying car mirrors has been identified as a pleated woodpecker. Good for him. Wild and wildlife. Yep. See, back to journalism at its finest.

Rockport resident Janelle Favoloro told people, I'm guessing the magazine it's underlined that she caught the pleaded pest in the act and shared her findings in a neighborhood Facebook group likely one of the first to realize

who the car culprit was Favalors I'm just going to call her Mrs. F there's been a vandal breaking vehicle mirrors he is described as 18 to 24 inches tall

wearing black and white with a red hat she gets it so neighbors reacted commenting that they too found their vehicle mirrors broken you too the funny part is in a second but had been stumped as to what the cause was right got it so so it became a viral neighborhood thing, said Mrs. V. Then we realized that he was basically canvassing the whole top of the hill we live on. It's pretty wooded up here. So he has claimed this as his territory. So here's what I think, which is even funnier. It's like you picture the scene from like, uh, silence of the lamps, like like you fuck me so he's breaking mirrors because he's

so fucking horny that he's wants to fuck himself and he's just pecking the shit out of me he's like i fuck me and just fucking blowing up mirrors like you picture like the like imagine getting like if your little town was seriously attacked by woodpeckers. Isn't that kind of scary? A little bit. But why? They're not doing anything wrong, but you're just walking around in every little... Well, you've seen birds, haven't you?

Yeah. You ever been buzzed by a bird? Yep. It makes every part of your body freak out. The fact that they can dive down, get you, and then fly off. And you have no idea. And you didn't see it coming. You didn't shit on going yeah they're just out of there but a funny thing that happened here this was like a couple weeks ago is uh it was early morning we were just getting our day started here and uh cassie was still in bed and i got up to take uh

a poop okay a morning poop and i pooping, and it's just us. The kids aren't there, so door is open. But we also had a lot of scheduled work that was, like, I, you know, it's hard for me to remember exactly when people are coming over to work on things, right? So we had to get, like, a section of the sewer main replaced. We had to get some mold removed. We talked about Mr. Mold and Mr. Poop and all these people. They're coming over to fix some stuff, and talked about mr mold and mr poop and all these people they're coming over to fix some stuff and i didn't remember exactly when they were coming to

take a look is the mold guy or the poop guy coming i don't know i don't know and are they coming to take a look or are they actually here to fix things or take a poop you get it and so i'm sitting there and i'm taking a poop and i hear what sounds like a jackhammer like a distant jackhammer just going and i'm sitting sitting there i have i have the fan on in the bathroom i'm like that's weird and then again just that metal claim so i reach over and i turn the fan off and i'm like what the fuck is that see if you didn't have to if you had a foot longer arm it wouldn't be quite as i could have fucking probably open the front door yeah and then it happens again and then cassie goes what the hell are you doing and i was like i was about to say the same thing courtesy flush and um it is just like it just kept going and going it literally sounded like somebody was in the in the street in front of

her house using a jackhammer and i went out there and i was looking through the blinds out the front door uh naked with probably toilet paper in my butt and i'm standing there looking out and then right behind me so loud he goes i'm like what the fuck and so i peek out the other window and there's a cat sitting there looking up at the top of our chimney in our front yard like we're you know doing a little butt wiggle like i'm gonna fuck this thing up and i was like oh my god it's a woodpecker and it's pecking on the metal tube that goes into our chimney which vents obviously right in the living room he's trying to lower the resale value yeah fucking bitch yep and it was so loud and so i mean it was it was scary it It was like enough to basically wipe your poop up and go figure out if someone's like, what the fuck's going on? Is there a guy on the roof with a fucking jackhammer?

With a jackhammer because that's concerning. Yeah. Because that shouldn't be there. No. We hired Mr. Poop and Mr. Moss. We didn't hire Mr. Jackhammer on the roof. No. He shouldn't be up there until Wednesday.

Mr. Mold Guy was here earlier. He's gone. Yeah. Mr. Poop. Can't be Poop Guy he shouldn't be up there until wednesday mr mold guy was here earlier he's gone yeah mr can't be poop guy it can't be him so where do we schedule mr jack hammer on the roof like fiddler on the roof yeah and then he and then he did a couple more if i had a jack hammer a couple more jack hammers i reached in there and i shook the pipe and then scared him off he's got him and the cat both gone so they both fucked off but i get it on the next i get the i get the the excitement around that but isn't that i mean that is frustrating when wildlife like fucks up your personal stuff because what are you supposed to do about it yeah there's there's not it's not like the neighbor's doing it you can call the police and be like, dude, fucking guys.

Jim knew better. He's taking a dump on my porch. Yep. And they're like, dude, you can't just go to his porch and take a dump. Yeah. You can't do that. Nope. But what happened?

Yeah. What happens if birds fly around and shit all over the place? You're like, what if you call the cops? Like a fucking elk gets caught in your fence, rips it down. What do you? Yeah. It's your fault. Yeah.

Yeah. You, yeah. No one's getting called to, uh, to fence court in that situation. Just picture an elk in a suit and tie. Mm-hmm. Just sitting in the fucking courtroom. Do you know what you did? Mm.

Moo. What? Guilty. He's got little chains on his feet. Guilty. Mounted on the wall. King, king, king. God.

Mounted on the wall. Tiny steps. Anyway, just so this scene and the frustration, I 100% get that. But I have another story that I want to bring to your attention. And this is what I would like to maybe say is the saddest story that I've read all year. Room buzz fill an emotional vacuum for owners oh what are you ready for this we're lonely yes this this might this might be it so they give them nicknames worry when they signal for help and sometimes even treat them like a... Help!

Stairs! Help! What carpet did you suck up today? Help! Yep. And even treat them like a trusted pet. A new study shows how deeply some Roomba owners become attached to the robotic vacuum and suggest there's a measure of public readiness to accept robots in the house, even flawed ones.

So when we got rid of, so our other one kind of was pooping out. And when we went to throw it away, I told him, I was like, I kind of feel bad doing this. And we put in the garbage and I actually said out loud, I was like, thanks buddy for cleaning the house. Thanks for everything, dude. Yeah, actually, because it just, it does. It for everything, dude. Yeah. Actually, because it does. It'll start up and just go do its thing. And then it's just like you're walking around the house and it's just like, oh, let me get out of your way. My bad.

Yeah. My bad for being here. You're just trying to do your job. Yeah, I set the time for you to do this. I'm in the way. He goes on to say they're more willing to work with a robot that does have issues because they really, really like it. Said Becky Grittner, an associate professor of Georgia's Tech College of Computing. It sort of begins to address more concerns.

If we can design things that are somewhat emotionally engaging, it doesn't have to be as reliable. That is not the lesson here. So we can make a shitty product as long as you get attached to it. Not the lesson. Fuck. Don't you want to, but if you were making Roombas, wouldn't you want it to kind of poop out and then see if you have to buy a new one? I don't think I'd want my Roomba stuck in the house and people like can't get rid of it picturing people like the Roomba is put in a solid two years of work and you just bring it out like to a parking lot to set it free

you're like you're free buddy it's in Roomba uh and it's like it's like help you're like nope you've you've done enough for me yeah you're on your own buddy and like you're at night you're looking out in the in the parking lot and it's fucking bouncing around on the rocks oh my god i mean i get it like anyway so grittner decided to study that the the devices after she saw online pictures of people dressing up their roombas the disc-shaped self-directed vacuum is made by burlington um because i have i put gigantic like googly eyes on our roomba but i thought it was funny i didn't love it you know i didn't be like listen we have to we're gonna have dinner without the before the room is done working no that's that never crossed my mind the second that thing fucking acted up is

out of there i've had a weird started beeping in the middle of the night, fucking trash can for sure. You beep once, you're gone. Get the fuck out of here. So when I was a kid, I would hold sentimental value to just any inanimate object. So if I... I would be like,

I played baseball, I played football, whatever in the backyard. What position did you play? I was quarterback today. What position did you play? Every time we talk about sports. What position did you play? I was quarterback today. What position did you play? Every time we talk about sports. What position did you play?

For sure. So, no, I would be laying in bed. It's dark. I'm like laying in bed, and then I would remember that the football, I left it out by the back of the gate or whatever. And I would sometimes get up and go in the backyard and grab it and bring it up by the door but isn't that because you wanted the object to remain healthy and in good condition no it was because you loved it no it wasn't because it was like i felt bad

that it was out there articles about it i was like i felt bad that it was out there by itself so even now so like if like a shoe is sitting over by itself sometimes i'll grab it and like throw it in with the other ones just so it's not by itself. It's so easy to anthropomorphize things. That's how I am with my cars and shit, too. Yeah. I just want it to be included with the other ones and not feel like it's left out. Yeah, so that's sad.

Yeah, it is sad. So I relate. That's why I told you I was like, thanks, buddy. Thanks for all that hard work you did. Well, prepare for shittier products. How do you reward a Roomba for doing a good job? Throw more dirt on the floor, feed it more. Yeah.

Crush up some Cheetos in front of it. And you're like, good boy. Do you feel like, do you ever ask Siri something? And then when they say it, you're like, thank you. Oh yeah. Cause you feel like it's, didn't I show you guys? I just recently discovered this with uh at least alexa is that if you tell her to do something and if you do an excited fuck yeah

back it goes didn't i show you guys that yeah yeah there's actually an article about chat gbt and grok that it's not wasting but they're using a ton of energy just to respond to people saying thank you grok oh yeah hello how are you yeah yeah isn't that crazy yeah and they're using a ton of energy just to respond to people saying, thank you, Grock. Oh yeah. Hello. How are you? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And they're just like,

dude, just be a dick. It doesn't care. Yeah. Tell it what you want and get gone. Well, I mean, that goes back to,

we've talked about this before in video games where it's like, I know it's a video game and you can, you can be a bad person in the video game, but for some reason I'm still like, no, I want to be the nice guy, even though it's programmed to accept it either way and that carries over to you waking up when you can't sleep to bring a football inside it's hot like my i will do that same thing tools football

like sporting equipment but like it's for me it's like i don't want to get damaged and i don't want to get stolen you love it And you think it has feelings. That's like high empathy is what it is. Yeah. Is it? So guess what, Brian? Not a psycho. I don't know.

I think we have to do a lap time on this. I think Brian needs to have a little more like bro time. He needs us. He needs us so that he can connect to us and not footballs and shoes. But this is why it's, I mean, mean, I've always done that, though. You put the football down, it turns around with a big old mouth. It's like, thank you, Brian. Like in my head, that's what it looks like.

It was cold out there. Thank you. Yeah. You must care about footballs. What position did you play? Yeah, it's not as bad anymore, but I still do it every once in a while. And I don't know when it started or how it started, but I just do it. Or where it's not as bad anymore but i still do it every once in a while and i i don't know when it started or how it started but i just or where it's gonna go

but i mean so you can imagine when it's like real living things how much harder it is if i go to your fucking second wedding and you're marrying a football i swear to god i don't have feelings like that i don't want to fuck it or marry it i just feel bad that it's out there by itself ryan would you fuck a football if or marry it i just feel bad that it's out there by itself brian would you fuck a football if you're good i mean it depends on what's inside what position did you play um okay so what position would you play but the sadness part of this is like imagining someone who's really lonely their roomba is dressed up and they're just sitting on the couch and they're like,

Oh God, I just got to get out there. Like Roomba, what do you want to do tonight? And it's just like, you just want to turn left. If you want to stay in. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. Yeah. We'll'll work on we'll work on our social skills tomorrow

i feel like staying in though too so you're doing a good job by the way it's like a little dress hat a little fedora going around you're like god i love you i mean you put eyes on something though and that changes it too yeah you know the idea of designing robots to be faulty like doesn't that also seem a little weird like if okay let's say it's inevitable the next stage huge advancement we have a bunch of things on the horizon right we have drones delivering shit that's going to be huge we have cars that are 100 automated and you get to fuck off and work and do whatever you want while you're also traveling that's going to be huge and then robots in the household is going to be bigger than probably all of those

as far as like the impact on economy like just trillions of dollars is what the robot industry like personal robot world is going to become. There's no way it's not going to, right? You have something that does all the shit you don't want it to do. I don't want that thing to fuck up. Yeah. I don't want to sometimes break a dish. You break

one dish, you're gone. Dude, what's the next model? Is there a firmware update? Less fat? 50% less fat in the next one. The idea that the Roomba makes mistakes that makes you care about it. I don't buy that. I wish I would just fucking know what it was doing.

Like it's a robot. We can empathize though. We can. Yes, there's empathy, but it's also like I'm buying you to do a job. So if the Roomba sucks, I'm not going to keep using it and care more about it. So I don't know where like all the findings of Dr. Whatever her name was. I don't think that that is where I'm going. Like, I don't want my Roomba to fuck up.

It fucks up and I have to deal with it. Like, I'm still like, I get it and I understand the attachment and caring about things. But just because it makes mistakes doesn't make me have an, I get it. And I understand the attachment and caring about things, but just because it makes mistakes, doesn't make me have an emotional attachment to it. Doesn't that make you kind of frustrated that they probably, that, that that's going on with things already. It's like,

we built it to malfunction sometimes. So you end up buying a new one or whatever, you know, it's like a robot's doing the dishes. It's kicking ass. But like every month for no reason, you're watching it and it grabs a cup out and just goes it doesn't have to make the mistake and it just throws it into the living room and you're like oh my gosh you're such a silly robot that's exactly what a human would do even robots can get a little fucking flustered every once in

a while you start throwing your shit around i feel like throwing a glass so i get it yeah but you don't start giving the robot anxiety medication there is a thing called planned obsolescence that companies do which is planning to make things that will break over time so you buy more later yeah motors yeah car motors phones everything yeah it's really dirty and crap or whatever apple got in trouble for purposely yeah that's making a shitty fucking update so that everyone bought new phones that's the most famous one that's a good one we all knew it too yeah we did and i still bought another apple but we're all conspiracy theorists when we said so yeah all right anyway so that's interesting we're gonna do some more brain talk stuff are you ready for lap time zach can? Can you more brain busters? Alright, I'll fill in for you doing this while you do

that. Go. Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. Why'd you just look at me so weird? That was because that was like the same note.

He went right into the song. It was like, that's a hell of a scream he got there too or whoever did that no that was me did you play all right zachie poo what do we got buddy all right you guys ready to learn some shit yeah i think so cool i've got a lot of these so hopefully we get to most of them because these are pretty interesting and as your uncle i want I want to share some things that might be useful. Yeah, you're sharing things with us that our parents wouldn't. That's right. That uncles do.

Especially their semen. Well, more chocolate and baseball cards. Oh, you're a good uncle. Yeah, Playboys. So you guys have heard of Occam's Razor. Chocolate and Playboys? Enjoy that. That's literally my grandpa.

What kind of issue did you jerk off to today? Did you see the centerfold, real grandson? I totally did. That was actually my grandpa. What a great grandpa. Occam's Razor. You guys have heard of that, I'm sure. We're going to do a couple that we've heard of and then a bunch that we haven't, probably.

Okay. Okay. But you guys will probably get the concepts because they're part of our daily lives. Okay. All right. Occam's razor. When faced with competing explanations, choose the simplest one that accounts for all the facts as it's more likely to be correct.

It's a nice principle to use because people. It is. So it's like the example would be if your car won't start, assume the battery is dead, the simplest thing, rather than a complex engine failure that might be, you know. Or that shitty kid down the street came over and fucked with your car. Right. It's probably the simplest thing, but cars are complicated.

So my brain likes to go to the more complicated thing. Mine too. That's why Occam's razor is good to remember where it's like, maybe it's not that vast conspiracy with the lizard people. Maybe it's just people are cunts. I bet you detectives have to remind themselves of this all the time. All the time, yeah. I was thinking more

along the lines of I have a pain over here and I go to, oh, I'm having a heart attack or a stroke and it's like, oh, it's probably just a little indigestion.

You got a Cheeto stuck in your artery. Yeah. What was the, I don't even know how if this relates, but it just reminded me of this for no reason,

but like talking about Occam's razor is like the complexity of relationships and people, right? And I was watching a show. I don't remember the name of it. But there was a part of it that talked about everyone is born alone, dies alone, and then in between we lie to each other. And I just thought that was so darkly funny. It's pretty close to accurate, I'd say.

Yeah, you're born alone, you die alone, and in between we all lie to each other optimistic pretty sadistic but so good i know it's so funny that person's not a fan of human beings i know anyway so anyway when it comes to that type of stuff yeah the simplest so it's like well i don't know like that sometimes is a really good answer i don't know why this and you're like i don't know i don't know because you're hiding it's like no i just fucking don't know it's okay to say you don't know yes it is it doesn't mean i'm hiding everything right all right murphy's law you guys know this one too the official explanation is anything that can go wrong will go wrong often at the worst possible time emphasizes planning for worst case scenarios so people that take murphy's law into account are never surprised really because they're like oh the power went out on our show yeah i knew that was going to happen worst case scenarios. So people that take Murphy's law into account are never surprised really,

because they're like, oh, the power went out on our show. Yeah, I knew that was going to happen because it was part of my list of things I was stressing about. Pete Of course it did. What a pessimistic approach to life. Pete It is. I never really look at things like that. I'm a lot more optimistic. Pete And that's the... Pete But then I get blindsided by things and I'm like, oh no! Pete Yeah, but also that's life. Pete Yeah, for sure.

Pete Life is full of so much more bad than good if that's what you're looking for like it's like uh what's an example um a dam let's think about a dam one that holds water okay i got down so i was just walking around downtown spokane last night by the way it's fucking roaring you guys should go check it out it's awesome i drove through it today it's so cool like it's at that point right now if you're from this area which all three of you are that are listening a majority of you guys are not from here but there's a bridge monroe street bridge and the waterfalls are below it and at certain times of the year it's crashing so hard the mist will come up and hit the cars it's pretty on the top of the bridge that's like what 200 feet 300 feet above that yeah anyway so

that's going on right now what i'm saying is a dam and you're like yeah well what bridge that's like what 200 feet 300 feet above that yeah anyway so that's going on right now what i'm saying is a dam and you're like yeah well what can it's like well yeah because we also fucking built it and it's concrete so yes if we account for the other 99.99999999% of the time nothing did go wrong eventually something is it's like yeah but it's that's also pretty successful it's like eventually the dam is that's also pretty successful it's like eventually the dam's gonna break and then everyone down here is gonna die it's like yeah well fucking we know that it's not murphy's law now that's what i'm getting at it's like if it can't it's like yeah but a lot of times it's going okay like it doesn't mean it's gonna go wrong if

i take this and i put the rubik's cube on the table, you're not going to, the worst thing that could happen, Brian, is you're going to stand up and you're going to fall. And if the Rubik's Cube wasn't there, it wasn't going to hit your temple. And then you were going to, you're going to bleed out on the studio floor. It's almost like you can use Occam's razor for Murphy's law. Right. Right. It's like, no shit like that just happens.

And I guess if you look out a hundred billion years of brian standing up from that table and over his computer bag he could trip and fall and hit his temple on that but if it doesn't happen is now is murphy's law broken what if he hits his temple right next to it on the corner of the ipad i don't know we got to change it to another that's what i'm saying i don't get it we need to oh malice law the every every if something bad can happen is too the net is too wide uh we stress a lot i mean a lot of people have anxiety because we're thinking about all those things i know it's a it's a very terrible sad way a lot of people it's it's very self-centered view too they're like well i of course that would happen i got shot in the head with an arrow, and I survived.

So that means X, that someone was looking out for me or whatever. It's like, well, sometimes an arrow can just miss you by, it can miss your nerve by a couple millimeters. You know, it can just happen. The nine other people that got shot in the head with an arrow all died. You didn't, and it was because it just maybe missed. It didn't happen for like, it's maybe missed it doesn't it didn't happen for like it's not like it it's divine purpose yeah it was like it was supposed to well what about the nine other people that died right we live in a complicated place yeah all right here's another one that uh you guys will probably understand this one from doing it but it's called parkinson's law i thought you

say masturbating it's masturbation law uh the more you jerk it the better at jerking it you get the more you jerk it the more it jerks you yeah that's what my dad used to say what position did you play so this one is work expands to fill the time available for its completion leading to inefficiency if too much time is allocated so a report due that in a month or something that takes 30 days to finish. But if, if you gave it a week, you'd complete it in seven days. Like an example of this is what I do with SCAT cast. I forced myself to do the entire Tuesday show, all the skit scats in an 18 hour block so that I don't spend a whole week thinking about every word and taking everything out. And what if they, you know, I just put it out and it, and you? And it takes a long time to do it or whatever,

but it used to take me a couple days to do it. And then I was like, fuck it. And the time shrunk down into it. And so now I can get this big workload done in a shorter amount of time, if that makes sense. Yeah. Procrastination law. Yeah, exactly.

I'm a terrible procrastinator. But it actually works to your favor because as long as it's not too bad, you'll probably be able to get something done or most of it done. Well, I think that's also what we're all finding with the next chapter of workforce that COVID pushed us into is you don't need to see me in an office. You don't need to see anybody. You don't have to watch them and overlook them. If it's getting done if it's getting done it's getting done yeah and just because it's not the allotted eight hours of fuck off of how many hours is somebody wasting to just be sitting in a space if the work's getting done then that proves

that proves this uh theory correct yeah just get your pro get your specific task if you have three tasks you have to get done in this week, who cares if it took you 40 hours? And you have free time after it? Yeah, who cares if it took you 40 hours or 10 hours? As long as those projects got done. That's why I think we should not have to work 40-hour weeks unless you need to be there for whatever reason for hours of operation. But just make it more uh project based so as long as you get your project done early and you can fuck off and go be with your family or something why

why have to stick around and grab a broom i mean what are the what are the studies zach i think we've kind of hit on this before the four hour work day four hours of focused work is equally as productive as eight yeah exactly and the more time actually adds to worse outcomes it's basically what you're just waiting for the clock you're just like fucking after i eat lunch i don't do anything all i do is digest and then it's like before i before lunch i don't have any energy to do anything so i don't get anything done so i really don't get anything done all day i don't even know why i'm here but just give me give me three hours where i have to focus and get something done yeah fuck yeah dude and i could do it better at eight o'clock at night than i could at nine

o'clock in the morning yeah that's when my brain is ready to fuck you know what i mean i get it anyway all right i got another one for you this is one of my favorites it's called hanlon's razor and it's don't attribute to malice. What can be explained by stupidity, ignorance or error. So an example would be a coworker misses a deadline. Assume they were overwhelmed rather than deliberately. Murphy's law.

You. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The deliberately trying to fuck you. Yeah. That's a good one. So that's why like conspiracy stuff.

It's like, it's probably just people are dumb. It's probably that maybe the Congress aren't the smartest people in the world, and they're trying to do very complex things with economies and getting people food and all that shit. So there's that one. That one's one of my favorites. Are you purposely trying to piss me off? No, I am just stupid. Couldn't we say that about the government in general. I think a lot of people are like, the government is trying to do this and is trying to do this. And it's just like, no, it's just too big and inefficient that maybe this is the reason

it's happening, not because they're trying to fuck you over. And they don't think ahead to the consequences, the unintended consequences that could happen because they're dumb. Yeah. Or it's too complicated or both. So this one's called, hopefully I pronounced right, the Pareto principle. And you guys have heard this. It's called the 80-20 rule. So 80% of outcomes are determined by 20% of causes. So emphasizing focus on high impact factors. So basically in sales, 80% of revenue comes from 20% of the clients. So it's best to prioritize those over the big chunk of folks. And that's very much about podcasting and the Patreon world and all that stuff. So a lot of the support comes from the main 20%, yeah.

Yeah. The law of diminishing returns. Beyond a certain point, additional input yields progressively smaller outputs, making further effort less effective. So studying for three hours improves your test score, but then trying to add on to that by studying 10 hours more only slightly improves it due to fatigue. So kind of like what we were talking about before, but the more time you put into it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to be better. And that's the law of diminishing returns.

Here's a really important one. It's called the Dunning-Kruger effect. People with low ability overestimate their competence while experts underestimate theirs due to lack of self-awareness. And we see that shit a lot where people that don't know shit want to tell everybody what they know. And people that know a lot about even the subject will chuck themselves because it's like, oh, I haven't read this book and he's more of an expert than me and that kind of thing. So we get kind of a weird thing with dunning-kruger effect yeah because you're trying to that yeah go ahead i was gonna say you're trying to learn more and trying to better yourself versus the person that thinks they already know everything it's like i got nothing else to learn brother i know everything i mean the saying of like the more i see it the

less i know that's exactly what it is like as soon as you expand out your little circle the more dumb you realize you are you go to space space and you're like, I don't know anything. You're just like, oh no, I have a good understanding of this. And then you go into that field and you're like, I don't fucking know what I'm talking about. But if you just sit on the outside and assume that you know all this shit, and there's benefits of that too. Of just thinking you're

the best and you got it. And there's benefits of wanting to learn more and realizing you're not the best. Yeah, so both sides of it. I think in sports ball, a lot of times, like if – What position did you play? I think in certain players, they're like, yeah, I'm the best corner in the league. Some players that works great for because they go out and they act like they're the best,

and then some of them are like, I'm the best corner in the league. And so they just – they get complacent and don't get any better. Like there's definitely two versions of the same. I got a few more here. This one's one of my favorites too. And this happened in real life. And I'll tell you about it here. The Cobra effect.

A solution to a problem can worsen it by incentivizing undesirable behavior. For example, a government pays for dead cobras to reduce their population, but people breed cobras to kill them for profit, increasing the snake population. That happened in England when they were in charge of India. They would say, you know, we got to get rid of all these cobras. And the people in India were like, and they were paying them to hunt these cobras and turn in the skins. And so people just started breeding them like crazy and turning them in for the money. And our government does that kind of shit all the time as well.

Oh, you mean capitalism? Yeah. Well, just in general. Here's the Hawthorne effect. People change their behavior when they know they're being observed, often improving performance temporarily. Does that happen to you guys or does it go the other direction? Like when pretty girls were watching you play sports, did you better or worse better put on a little show for them right yep that's how it worked for me i mean that's like no performance anxiety as far as like

uh i i mean again like you said sports stuff what position did you play but also like think about dialing a way back like parking parallel, but there's people sitting outside a restaurant. I definitely notice it, but it's not going to change how good I parallel park. But your nerves might spike a little bit. Yeah, because it's on display. And there's a couple of guys sitting there with their meat. Their already parked cars. Their meat and their beer.

And you're like, I got gotta prove i'm a man man i gotta fucking put this meat right in this bun i'm sure that brother brother bun yeah brother bun i think like that's my prison name that's probably why they did that uh the job thing where the guy shows up and is they don't know it's their boss or whatever because if they knew their boss was watching, they wouldn't be fucking off. I know I went into a restaurant the other day when I was dashing. Yeah, you were. And there was a couple employees just bitching about tons of stuff. And then I heard one of the people like, quiet guys, there's someone out in the thing. So those people just didn't give a shit.

And then the one person's like, guy, we can't be talking about this because we can't do this now. They're going to report us or something. Wait until he leaves. I got a couple more if we got time for them. Yeah. All right. This is called the Pygmalion effect. Zoon type.

Yeah. Thank you. Higher expectations lead to better performance as belief in someone's potential influences their outcome. Yeah. That's a pretty interesting one. And this is, the example is like, when a teacher says that you're smart, you act smart. But the opposite is true too. In my own life with a couple of my friends that are very smart, were told by their parents at a young age they were dumb and they believed they were dumb and they did school dumb you know they went through it going oh i'm too dumb for this and and now you know somebody told them that they're smart and they're like i'm fucking smart yeah i

want smart all the time i mean that's just support system right yeah it'll balance itself out you tell somebody like oh my god so proud of you you're so good at this and then eventually it hits a point where you're like yeah then you have to be real yeah you're not world but nothing yeah nothing is nothing ever goes wrong which is being supportive right but blind support where you're like you are the best artist american idol since da vinci the people that get on there and you're like i am my mom said i do the best da vinci they're like you suck and then you're like, what? Everybody I ever sang for always said I was an amazing singer. Supportive versus light.

They were wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's how I got into singing is a couple of people, a choir teacher was like, you're really good. And it was like, oh, okay, I'm going to keep doing that. Strange how that works. This is the Matthew effect. I'm not sure how Matthew gets his own thing since there's so many Matthews.

But the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Those with advantages accumulate more while others fall behind. It is a rule. Here's an example. A popular blog gets more readers and links, boosting its ranking, while lesser-known blogs struggle to gain traction. We all know that. But it is a little law or whatever. Oh, yeah.

The rich get richer because – People that win the lottery. Yeah. Economies of scale. How many stories do you read about them blowing it all because they don't have the resources to know what to do with it exactly uh well that's just compounding interest though right there brother you're already rich you put your money in there and you just keep getting more richer especially if you don't have to spend it just fuck around with your play money yeah it just keeps stacking up i wanted to say this one because I'm your uncle and I thought

if people have heard this when they're listening to politics or whatever, maybe now they can know what it means if they haven't heard it before. It's called the Overton Window and it's an important thing, but it's basically the range of ideas society finds acceptable shifts over time, influenced by cultural and political pressures.

So people will talk about the Overton Window shifting depending on what it was. Like, for example... You're like the fucking gays! Exactly. But universal healthcare used to be... Brian just looked at me like I canceled the show. I'm doing comedy. I thought I was having a stroke.

I'm glad you're okay. You alright? Yeah. Don't have a stroke. You okay? I yelled that and he just blankly looked at me. I was like, oh, man, that didn't go across to what I thought it was. You gave him a stroke, bro. Oh, man.

Basically, policies once considered radical, like universal health care was considered like untenable. And rights! And, yeah, exactly. So, they become mainstream as people start to shift. And that is called the Overton Window. And you'll hear that on C-SPAN when people are discussing those things. Yeah.

Shifts around quite a bit, doesn't it? It does. Well, I tried to pick most of the ones I like. There's quite a few more, but I think that's good for now. That's fine.

Yeah, that was fine. Zach, thanks for indulging me. Yeah. Your lap is warm today. It is. It's a little wet too.

And that's not because of you. You're making my brain work. And then I got sweaty. I'm sweaty. Your legs wet. And that's hot because of you you're making my brain work and then i got sweaty i'm sweaty your legs wet and that's hot just call me fucking brother biscuit what'd you call me brother bun brother beer what was the prison name you came out with me i don't know brother bun yeah that's hot uh all right well thanks zacky boo love you my pleasure yep my my pleasure all right let's move off to some good news okay this guy's fucking wild let's roll it so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah

i was aware of this type of thing uh but just going off and doing it on your own is pretty fucking nuts and that's what this guy did plug. So unparalleled snake anti-venom made from man-bitten 200 times. Okay? So, I mean, you have a little bit of an understanding of snake venom. Right? Right, guy? Yeah. Like, your body's going to build up that.

And over time, like alcoholism. Right? So, you know, 10 beers for your uncle isn't the same as 10 beers for you. Right. He's built it up. Your uncle can't drive tractor until he's had 10 beers. Right. You would crash it and burn

it, which would be on fire. Yes. So that's 10 beers. So it's going to have a little bit of effect on you. So the blood of a U.S. man who deliberately injected himself with snake venom for nearly two decades has led to an unparalleled anti-venom, say scientists. He's just like, I got to do this in case I get bit. You just never know. You're on the right path here, buddy. Antibodies found in Tim Freed's blood have been shown to protect against fatal doses from a wide range of species in animal

tests. This is just investing in yourself. This is investing in your work, your vision. He's an entrepreneur. He believes in Murphy's Law for sure. Current therapies have to match the specific species of venomous snakes. What the fuck did I just say? Current therapies have to match the specific species of venomous snakes.

What the fuck did I just say? Current therapies have to match the specific species of venomous snake anyone has been bitten by. I made it through. Fuck yeah. But Mr. Freed's 18-year mission could be a significant step in finding a universal anti-venom against all snake bites, which kill up to 140,000 people a year. That's so many people. I know.

And leave three times as many needing amputations or facing permanent disability. Have I ever told you guys that me, Joseph. Joseph. Joseph. If my dad, and I don't have a scientific study, but this is what i'm told so before and maybe a little bit after i was born my dad drank a lot and then by the time he passed

away he was like 30 he had like i don't know fuck 30 something years clean so i think he maybe was still drinking when my brother was born and then stopped when i was it was like my whole life i've never seen my dad have any beer whatsoever uh but i'm told that while my before my mom was pregnant with me my my brother was like one or two at the time they were out fucking off hiking in idaho beautiful as you do probably sam in idaho and he got bit by a snake because he was fucking around with a rattler as you do when you're drunk and he was so hammered his blood was too thin to clot so they were able to get back to the hospital in time to get it all taken care of interesting because he was i mean as my mom would say just fucking i mean fuck with the rat rattlers drunk. Yeah.

Where are we at there? 15, 20 beers. Like you're not fucking with a rattler after five Coors lights. No. Like you still have your wits about you. 10. You're looking at it like 15. You're like, you're not running away, but you're not like, like 15 in.

You're like, is that a whip? Like you, your mindset just kind of changes. So anyway, he was fucking around, got bit. And because he was so drunk, his blood didn't clot and it saved his life. That's crazy. Yeah. And then kind of changed his whole perspective on drinking. It's like, what the fuck was I doing?

Everyone's got a wake up story now. It just cut it out. But I wouldn't be here if my dad wasn't hammer drunk when he's fucking around with that snake. So here we are. Anyway, so Mr. Freeds has endured more than 200 bites and more than 700 injections of venom he prepared

from some of the world's deadliest snakes including multiple species of mambas, cobras, tapons, and trats. You ever heard of a trat snake? Nope. Ain't got them around here. He initially wanted to build up his immunity to protect himself when handling snakes. Documenting his exploits on YouTube.

So this, I mean, he's got it. But the former truck mechanic said he had completely screwed up early on when two cobra bites in a quick succession left him in a coma. So he had time to think about it. And he broke up and he was like, I need more snake bites. Just little ones. But this guy, like over the course of time, like what if he could be this motherfucking truck mechanic that just loves snakes, injecting himself with snake venom and i mean in whatever setting you want to picture him performing these these tests on himself could be the answer to a universal venom antidote i like the idea that there's another guy doing it and he's like at

180 they're racing yeah and he's like this guy gets a fucking article i was doing it. And he's like at 180. They're racing. Yeah, and he's like, this guy gets a fucking article. I was doing it. It's my idea. He stole it from me. One coma. I've been in six. I've been sleeping since 92. The other guy wakes up from his coma. He's like, where's Mr.

Freed's at? Is Freed awake? Yeah, he's been awake for years. He's been. God damn it. He's way ahead of you now. He's like, fucking stab me. I need a cobra stab. I gotta go to the jungle. i gotta go to the jungle you gotta go to the jungle i need all the snakes fuck mr freed i mean it's it's he's doing it you know but it's like um but at the same time like

does he know that he could potentially yeah i don't know like i sound like he just wanted to be able to get bit and not have to worry about it. That's where it started. Yeah, and then he's like... And then he realized that I could be saving a ton of lives with my blood. What if he's addicted to it? Yeah. Well, have you seen that?

What's that dude... Tacoma? What's the guy that gets bit by the insects and stuff? Oh, yeah, Coyote something. Coyote Jack or whatever his name is? What? Have you ever seen that guy? We've played on the show before. Have we? Yeah. He'll get like just the... Coyote Jack or whatever his name is. What? Have you ever seen that guy? We've played it on the show before.

Have we? Yeah. He'll get like just the- Coyote Jackson. Yeah. I don't know. I forget. He'll get like the fucking Japanese hornet or whatever and just like-

The murder hornet. Put it on him and be like, bite me, bitch. And they'll bite him and he's just like, oh, fuck. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Get off my dick. I know we've talked about that because I know that the same thought that popped up was my favorite part of ghost adventures Yeah, is when they antagonize a demon get me bitch. He's like we scratch my friend

How about you scratch me and then he feels something he's like You bitch demon you're gonna scratch my friends, but you here's my back three scratches and he feels something like oh my god and they can't and they just run it for their lives and they go back down there oh one little scratch oh you think you're so tough so tough you scratch me once if you're such a big bad demon Do it I went to his house Down there in Vegas That was an RIP brother

So this guy's a god damn American hero And I hope that it's all tied back When nobody ever dies from snake bites again Fucking Mr. Freed Mr. Freed freed us from the fear snakes He freed us Alright something I found on the internet and I love it. Fucking Zach.

Oh, fucked it. Push play again. Oh, fucked it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together

as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! I don't know what the fuck just happened there. That's alright, we made it through. What the hell was that other thing? That was just us talking over it.

There was a graphic I didn't recognize. Really? Yeah, it was weird. Oh, jeez. There's a ghost in the thing. Oh, you think you're so tough? Why don't you make a graphic show up that we ain't ever put in there?

Ah! There it is! Get the fuck outta here! Here's the coyote real quick. Oh, jeez Louise. I lost it. What's his real name? Coyote Peterson. Woo! Yeah. I lost it. What's his real name? Coyote Peterson.

Yeah, we have cameras on you. He always... Do you guys see that? Do you guys fucking see that? Yeah, we have a close-up of your skin. There's four cameras and six GoPros on you. He's like... Did you guys see that? Did you guys get that?

You got it? That's my only job, Coyote. I had one job to film your arm. So you got it? I did. Good stuff. Coyote Peterson, if you've never... Yeah, I got to go see what he's been doing lately.

So I came across this on the interweb and i just thought it was so funny we all have nostalgia we talk a lot about nostalgia yeah that's nostalgia can you don't because we're getting older our sex drives are diminishing we're talking about how you kicks it is when you're sick and we're talking about what position did you play when it comes to sports not position do we play it's how cool we used to be. So a lot of nostalgia here on Can You Don't. And this one just caught my eye. So this is a sleeve for your credit card. And the sleeve is, Zachy, a Blockbuster membership card.

That's cute. Okay? And you can get it customized. So you can pick, like it has the small chip, or you can pick a big chip, depending on, I guess, if you have Discover or American Express or whatever size chip you may have. But what you do there is you slide your credit card in, and then every time you go to pay, it looks like you're whipping out your Blockbuster membership card. It's only $10. I still have my Blockbuster card.

What? In your wallet? No, not in my wallet, but it's it's in my little studio it's in your life that's in my area you pull it out from time to time make sure it's not lonely yeah i gotta keep it close that's pretty cool i know you're like what it's 153 47 for these groceries yeah and you just pull it out like that it's just a funny little thing you do tap right yeah but not on a blockbuster card we'll see about that we'll see about that you have no idea how many blockbuster points i have they're universal and it just covers your eggs and the lady's like what the fuck it'd be funny

if any cash cashier got it and they're like uh yeah you still owe goodwill hunting from 1999 like you never did rewind it you never turned in men in black you're like what yes i did i don't think so says here that you didn't know tillamook until you turn that in i thought this was a jiffy loop yeah but like paying out at dinner like you're treating your friends and i just make it obvious no i got it i got it it's your fucking blockbuster membership card and they're like and then it works and they're like, what? They're like, shit, do they still have mine?

Like, dude, I, so many movies I rented. Time to hear from the kids. Zach, roll it. Thanks.

Bye. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Wow.

All right, let's start off with an email from my cousin earl i like i like to say i know he comments on that yeah i know i mean errol's like that's cool but fucking earl man i know i know all right the only arrow on the planet, so yes, it's that Errol. He writes, hi Joe, Brian, and Zachunist Sympatico. Okay. That's your prison name? Hello, comrade.

Not nearly as hot. Comrade. Comrade Errol. So you're talking about that McDonald's, and the lady's just falling over. And I remember when I moved back to New York in 2010, I went to a Walmart and had a really fun time shopping. I wish that was the end of the email. Mm-hmm.

I went to Walmart once back in 2010. I went to Walmart. Thanks, guys. Love the show. I had a real good time. Guys, he went to that McDonald's. I just remember I went to New York and went to Walmart. Love you guys.

Keep up the good work. I don't know why. It just reminded me of that. What a good time. So he went. He had a fun time. He you guys. Keep up the good work. I don't know why, it just reminded me of that. What a good time. So he went, he had a fun time, he went shopping. Then he got into a long line and you could see the guy, like three people in front of me was a bit

sweaty and very aggressive. And as the line was moving slow, he falls down and it was midday and he had a heart attack. And the funniest thing, not one fucking person did anything. But can you read it in your... Not one fucking person did anything!

Yeah. We all just walked around him and stayed in line because it took a long time to get to this point. Oh, New York! Yeah, New York! So the ambulance finally showed up. Ketchup tomato! Whatever the mis- Yeah. There the mis- I forget what it is

I'll find it while you're reading People will know what I'm talking about Because that makes no sense on its own Finally the ambulance finally showed up And they started doing CPR on him Still no one moved No one even had an expression change As far as I could tell

We're over people, aren't we? Damn, I miss New York sometimes. Hope you guys are doing well. So happy you're moving, Joe. You're probably in the middle of it now anyway, which kind of, yeah. Kind of. I miss you all, and one day I will have Instagram back. Anyway, be careful.

Don't let the horse come in your eye or ear, and never milk an angry beaver. There's honestly nothing there but ADHD attacks. I left. Okay, Joe and Brian, have a great day. Dat boy dads, bye-bye for now. Your most annoying son, Errol, Errol, Eggroll, Earl, fuck a birdhouse, bye. That is funny.

That's like a full-on Tourette's attack there. It was. What was that? I think it's Ketchup Jungle Wet Dream Tomato. What? Yeah. Anyway, listen to it. Is it the real lyrics?

No. What's the real line? Wet Dreams are made of. Wet Dreams are made of, are made up but wet dream tomato hold on here we go ready no i just hear tomato wasn't that that talk to a girl that did that i'm not i'm sure it was around before her that video right there was posted from 10 years ago so that was before hawk two was time oh yeah

for sure yeah i just heard her say that. I think that's when I heard the tomato thing. Yeah, something ketchup, something wet dream tomato. You mean that's not what she's saying? No. New Yorker's like, that's fine, that's good enough.

That's fine. All right, well good to hear from you, Errol. Our second email is coming in from our son, Matt, who writes, Hey Joe and Brian! Hey! I guess I want to say

I started listening from day one I love the initial episodes How can you forget Parked Out by the Lake I immediately gave your podcast five stars Every chance I could get I briefly left a less than stellar review And downgraded my five stars to one stars That was a petty mistake

That clouded my judgment And I truly apologize for that Because I know both of you are taking a leap into the cutthroat podcasting world. But I soon change those ratings back to five stars because you both consistently deliver amazing episodes. That's a person that can

change their mind. There you go. You're like, this motherfucker ruined his life one star. Yeah. This guy blew up my life and it had no effect on me! One star! Fuck this guy! I'm glad

you came around. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting here. Your banter, your content, truly hilarious. I truly appreciate your work and delivery of weekly shows, even though you're traveling sick, risking your life on hot air balloons. I'll be submitting some questions, confessions, etc. etc soon but i wanted to write this thank you a little thank you note for all that you do thank you for helping me through some of the dark times while you both

are doing the same hugs and tugs matt much appreciated good job matt using your brain so it's easy to get influenced and you're like, fuck. And then sometimes it just takes you a minute to go like, yeah, maybe I, uh, I was a little rash. Yeah. Along the same note, I don't think I've ever shared this and I'm not going to share the guy's name. I don't even remember it. Uh, but like when we were starting the podcast and like our dads were dying and I, I was

blowing up my life and leaving my marriage. And some guy wrote me like, dude, you fucked everything up. Just go kill yourself. And I didn't respond to it. And then it was like six months later. He's like, sorry. I have no idea why I wrote that.

Wow. Yeah. But it's just like, and I just, I mean, I never responded. It's like, sorry.

I never should have wrote that. It's like, yeah, probably not. God, I would appreciate when people just getting on that hype train. Yeah. Fucking.

It's good to grow Burn the witch That's right Yeah Grow as a person Yeah Alright well that's episode 153

What if Joe would've killed himself Yeah What about it Then what Then he wouldn't have read Wrote sorry later Yeah he would've been like Fuck it

See I was right Imagine Imagine writing that And then someone kills himself And then you're like Whoops Fuck You're like god whoops, fuck. You're like, goddammit, see you in jail.

Goddammit, I have to go to court. Yes. That's the episode. We had a lot of fun. Thank you for tuning in. Superfan! The show's going to keep going. If you want that bonus content, and again, please do. It is the number one way you can support the show. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast

Content, funny things you come across on the interwebs. Email that into heyguys at CanYou the show. Patreon.com slash CandyDomePodcast. Content, funny things you come across on the interwebs. Email that into HeyGuysAtCandyDomePodcast.com Rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast. Big thanks to Uncle Zach for what'd you do? I don't know. I pushed stupid buttons that didn't

work right. You were here? I was here. That's cool. I had a good time. You guys are funny. Well, there we go. Thanks to Uncle Zach for just being here. Check out all that he does at scatcast.com that is scat with a K and a big shout out to the babysitters that moderate the Candy Dome Playground on Facebook. I have a fact.

Blow your minds. Fucking Zach. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Good God. I hope you guys don't know this. So this this is an understanding. It's a general knowledge thing, right? The fastest sperm gets to fertilize the egg, right? Fuck you.

Yeah! That's not true. Scientific evidence suggests that eggs can play an active role in selecting which sperm fertilizes them. They have preferences? Yep. This process involves the egg releasing chemical signals that can attract or repel certain sperm. Not you.

Potentially influencing which sperm is able to successfully reach. So that's like a tractor beam. Fertilize the egg. That's a fucking tractor beam sucking it in. We're all told. We're all told. Congratulations. Like fastest sperm.

They get there and then they fucking wiggle. They wiggle. They wiggle in there and the first one that gets that, we're all told congratulations like fastest sperm they get there they and then they fucking wiggle they wiggle they wiggle in there and the first one that gets that's we're all told and then right now they're saying no the egg is like nope i don't like this smell of sperm and they just they can be like this sperm get how sad for that guy yeah no i got it he's working his tail off and he gets there and he's like wow this fucking smells like eggs god it smells like a sulfur sulfur fart i'm not fucking yellowstone in here i'm not doing this what is this way geyser national park joe it smells like old faithful what position did you play so anyway there you go just want to blow your guys' mind. Let's head off to the bonus. I don't know what to believe anymore. Oh, cool.

You ready for the bonus stuff? Yeah. Alright, you gotta do your thing. Bye! Jesus. Bye! Outro Music