Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - 15 Red Flags to Look Out for in Relationships

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

Aim of the game? Get wind of the red flags BEFORE you get in too deep, and then run a mile in the opposite direction. Let's go! ​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com. Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hello, it's me. I was, no I'm not going to, you thought I was, I'm not going to sing Adele even though Every time I say hello, hello, it's so hard. It's that or Lionel Richie. That's what I got.

I can't just say hello anymore. Hello, how are you? Oh, that worked. Today, we are going to delve into the world of the red flags. Because there are so many red flags, and I obviously want to talk about them in depth, this is going to be a part one and part two kind of situation. so tonight we have one to seven points and next week we're gonna have eight to fifteen points trust me it's worth staying around for both parts because i really think once we're done with these

we can really start to look at dating in a much healthier way and rid ourselves of the toxic assholes in our life red flags are now like the buzzword when it comes to the dating world and relationships of course because red flags can materialize when they weren't there at the beginning and what okay that's about the beginning like what are red flags red flags are as you would imagine major major alarm bells alerts to leave the relationship or if you're casually dating to run a mile red flags are like cannot overcome this there are such a thing as yellow flags and green flags yellow flags are yellow flags say that when you're drunk i'll try it actually next time for you um yellow flags are the it's an issue but it can be worked out it's an issue

but perhaps it's a circumstantial issue it's an issue but like we can grow from this red flags are a fucking hard stance, pass, run. This is an unhealthy human. It's going to be a toxic relationship and it's going to ruin you. Leave. And obviously green flags are all those wonderful things that they do that make us go, oh, you are the best human I've ever met. Never leave my life. Heart you always. Okay. So before I go into my 15 major red flags that we all need to look out for, what I want to talk about first is, one, your own red flags. And two, are you ignoring their red flags? So for instance, if I look at my own, because the chances are we've all got a red flag, right? Or you can come across as you have. So take me, for example, I am very emotional.

in fact at the moment i am fully in my emotional era all right i will cry at anything like if my cat does something cute and then i think in my head i just don't want her to ever leave me she's so cute and then i go oh oh my god one day she will leave me cry like that done cry and it'll be like a sunday bright afternoon what the fuck is wrong with me i even had a chat with um the guy I'm seeing and I cried for like an hour just like yeah very emotional in my emotional era but that's a major red flag for me when I'm with men at the beginning because I do get attached very easily I'm very emotional I wear my heart on my sleeve I crave attention and affection and I trust really easily now you might think that's all wonderful and it is that

makes me a really gorgeous human but when it comes to dating that is kind of a red flag for me because guys might be like whoa she might end up being very needy or she's might be codependent or like it might be like she barely knows me and she's already so invested in this doesn't feel right you know so I can objectively and I have the intelligence to step back and see that do you do that with yourself do you look at your own red flags do you look at what you bring to the table because I also don't trust for shit anymore after what I've been through so now what it's flipped on its head and rather than being trusting too easily I'm now looking for red flags in everything like he will say something to me and I'm like are you sure mm-hmm oh yeah are you sure

yeah I did oh yeah you so you say you did that and it looks like I'm picking fights all the time but I ain't picking fights I'm trying to make sure I don't get heartbroken again but that from the receiving end that ain't fun is it I mean that's bollocks so I want you to have a fucking hard good look at yourself in the mirror and find your own red flags because that's a really good first step isn't it to what you bring to the table and then the second point are you ignoring them so do you see red flags in dating and relationships and ignore them I did hands up I'm gonna put my hand up in the studio me I ignored every red flag my fiance actually punched his wall in two months into being with him he punched the wall in and I stayed and I woke up

and my whole elbow my whole elbow was bruised like so bruised and we couldn't remember what happened and I just brushed it off no that was a huge red flag and I ignored it um I also found photos on the spare phone which I let him talk his way out of but when I found the photos the first thing he did was smash his phone up on the floor right that's a huge red flag and I ignored it right so this is what I mean like look at what you're accepting look at what you're doing with the red flag scenario as well because it's all well and good me telling you these 15 massive red flags but what we can't do is then ignore them anyway when they crop up because we're so desperate and in need of falling in love that we don't want to jeopardize that part with the

reality of the red flags that we're actually seeing. Okay, so let's jump in. 15 major red flags in relationships in which you need to run. Red alert, red alert. Point one, speed. Speed is a narcissist's weapon of choice. I say in every fucking narcissistic episode and toxic relationship episode. If the guy's toxic, the woman is toxic, speed is the weapon of choice. They will force you with love bombing and mirroring you into loving them within weeks. And it's not real. If someone is trying to force you into something serious in lightning speeds, in which you actually barely know each other and they're saying they're in love with you, you're there forever. How can they be in love with you? They don't know you. Nobody knows someone in

a month. Not really. They know what you've presented and you've presented your best self because you're dating and you like them and you want them to know. Yeah, they're doing the fucking same speed is a major red flag take it from me right don't do it take your fucking time and if they're pushing for commitment in really insanely short time frames run and tell you what you can do hold back hold them at arm's length watch their reaction because i did the same at the beginning in and I was holding him at arm's length and he did not like it. He did not like not being in control and he didn't like the fact that he couldn't make me immediately love him back in the same space of time that he had decided he loved me, which he didn't because he didn't know

me. Savvy? Good. Point two, inconsistent behavior. This is the fucking worst. Obviously, major one is ghosting but then also inconsistent behavior is when words don't match actions either you know so they say I love you I love you I love you and then they disregard your you when you call they're out all night don't give a fuck when you're crying they say that they love you and care about you and prioritize you but then all their mates come first or their work comes first or they disappear on a weekend holiday you didn't even know was happening words don't match actions it's completely inconsistent behavior and a major red flag because honestly anyone can say anything if they're you know a really great liar or a manipulator they can say what they fucking want

and you believe the words because that's what you want to believe stop listening and open your eyes and start looking if their actions show you they don't care about you or prioritize you or love you that's the shit you need to wake up to not what they're saying likewise with ghosting honestly how can they like you the way they do if they can then just disappear for weeks on end or days oh let me guess they went on a bender the whole weekend and turned their phone off i wonder what they were doing or should i say i wonder who they were doing inconsistent behavior is a major major major red flag it shows that they're not genuine they don't really give a fuck about you and you are there for when and as and when they want their needs met and that's it

really see you fucking later other than that run red alert red alert point three lying lying oh the pathological liars that i have dated what's wrong with you like did you was you not loved as a kid. Did your mum not raise you properly? What? Why? And I don't mean just lying about like, how many people have you slept with? Oh, I've only slept with five girls my whole life. Okay. But you know, lie about that. I mean lying about anything. What happens is i find toxic people lie about ridiculous stuff small things like was you at work yeah yeah i was in a client meeting and you realize they're down the road at a bar or they were at home or they're at a gym why don't you just say i'm at home why don't you just say you're at the gym why have you

told me you're at work what oh yeah yeah i'm out with the lads there's not a single lad in sight he's sitting at the bar on his own. Why have you lied about that? What I find is small lies like that is just huge red flags for the larger lies that will come if they haven't come already. There is no need to lie. If you are a genuine, authentic person with real confidence, real self-esteem, real self-love, real intentions, lying is not a thing. If you lie about ridiculous stuff, oh i fed the cats oh i walked the dog well no you didn't because the dog's shat in the house because it hasn't been taken for a walk why oh well yeah no i was going to and then something come yeah but you told me you'd walk the dog this is a made-up scenario i've never had that

discussion but you know what i mean look at that you're like what and then what it does is it makes you second guess everything else that comes out their fucking mouth so then you're losing trust because of stupid lies. And usually, I'm sorry, 90% of the time, they're lying about the small things and they're lying about the big things and they're cheating on you or there's another woman or there's another family going on or there's this major thing that you have no idea what's happening. And the lies can come so freely out of their fucking dirty mouths that it's just who they are. Run. Red alert. Red alert. Point four, controlling behavior. This is a given, but it's also quite hard to flag that red flag. Flag that red flag. Say that when you're drunk. I'm going

to do a whole drunk flag monologue on my Instagram. It's hard to see when you are at the beginning because controlling behavior usually comes when you're down the line. But just like, that's why don't go for the speed. Take your time. Watch. How often do they call when you're out? Do they get a bit annoyed when you cancel on them? Or like if you say, I can't see you, is there a controlling element? Do they turn up at your house uninvited? Are they stalking you? Are they getting angry or forcing you to be around them? If there's any kind of controlling behavior, a hint a hint of it i'm sorry it's a major red flag um because it will definitely grow and that's the thing about most of these red flags is it gets worse not better as the relationship progresses

okay it's not like you get a red flag at beginning and then suddenly it's roses and sunshine it's gonna go fucking so dark so if you're controlling in the early stages the first three months the first six months, imagine how controlling they'll be once you got a ring on it. Savvy? No, no, no, no. Red alert. Red alert. Point five. Emotional abuse. This is, I think, one of the worst things you can do to someone. And I'll explain why in my next point about why I think it's actually worse than violence, physical violence. Emotional abuse just gets into your soul. And it's done on purpose to do that, to erode your sense of self, to erode your confidence, who you are, to make you believe you're worth nothing, to make you dependent on them for your emotional regulation rather than

on yourself, and to basically just bring you down so that you are in fact easily to be controlled and of course you won't ever leave or see them for the monster that they are. Emotional abuse is just I think should be a criminal offense and if you're wondering what is emotional abuse you know even just put downs constant criticism gaslighting where they gaslighting is where they distort your reality and make you feel like like what you can't even trust your own thought process emotional abuse is you know blowing hot and cold messing just messing you up mentally if you suddenly realize you're always stressed you're always anxiety ridden perhaps you're sleep deprived perhaps you're feeling depressed all of the joy in your life that you used to have for

things doesn't exist anymore you're constantly worrying about where they are who they're with going through the phone feeling sick you feel ugly or anything like that that is emotional abuse of a toxic person and i want you to run a fucking mile immediately red alert red alert similar with point six, physical abuse. This needs no explanation. If they ever, ever lay a fucking hand on you, I don't care if it's a one-time slap, you leave immediately. And this is coming from a woman who was domestically and physically abused for two years at the age 16 and I stayed and I'm telling you now the first tiny piece of physical violence against you I don't care how sorry they are I don't care how drunk they are I don't care if they say it never

happened again you're done you leave never ever ever ever let anyone put a hand on you ever okay flat fucking note red alert red alert point seven they have a history of infidelity listen if they cheated on everyone they've ever been with you're no different i'm sorry you're not the one you're not that special the girl before you was probably special i bet she was lovely i bet the girl before her was lovely and i bet the girl after you is also lovely it isn't about you and it's not about them he has a fucking problem and he's a serial cheat and nothing's gonna change that the only way it might change is if he gets cheated on by someone he's in love with and he realizes the damaging effect but it's highly unlikely it's highly unlikely problem

with that i will say is they lie so my fiance told me he's never cheated ever really presented himself as this wholesome man um and across the board right like i generally i generally trusted him i thought it was wholesome obviously shit at the fan let's not go into that but afterwards in a drunk rant after i'd left him and i've got it in text he then admits he's cheated on every single one of his partners every single one of us so that's the shit part is they might lie and it's hard to be like, well, when someone says, no, I've never cheated, you can't be like, yeah, but have you, but have you, but have you, but have you. You know what I mean? You have to trust them at some point. And that's what I chose to do. I chose to trust. Sadly, I was wrong. But yeah,

if they're very open and, or you catch conversations around them from people that there is a history of cheating, please, no, you're not different. You will get cheated on. and there we have it that's the end of point seven and we're going to be coming back next week with point eight onwards please do let me know what you think of the first seven points have you been in that situation yourself have you got any more information on the above is anything you want to tell me i'm all ears to be honest i make some strong points next monday as well so of course please do come back for that and I hope by the time we're done with these parts you're going to feel a lot more lighter and happier and more empowered in your dating world

to fish out the shit like I have and on that note I will see you all next week for part two thanks for listening to the can't keep my mouth shut podcast produced and hosted by me Nick Salina. I'm recorded in the Splice Cast Studios in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google, and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more content and features to read, you can check out my website, nixalina.com that's nixalina.com i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-m-a to find me don't be shy come say hi