Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - 21 Signs You Should Break-Up & Move On

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I am Nixalina. Hi guys, it's Nixalina here back with another Monday night episode. I hope you are well. If you're fervently waiting to listen to this one, then you're probably not in the best headspace. This is 21 signs you should break up and move on. You're like, what? 21 signs? Yeah. And there's way more than 21 as well, but I just didn't want to chew your ear off in one podcast episode.

this is quite a tricky situation I have been there myself I lagged out a relationship I think for over a year when I should have broken it off well that's a lie I broke it off took the fucker back and then the following year was you know I just clinged on to nothing and it's it's a horrible horrible feeling the doubt of whether you should break up with someone itself is crap and the thought process of losing the person you you love slash once loved is also very traumatic but we can't pretend that this situation doesn't happen it happens to a lot of us at some point in time now i want to say before i start on my 21 signs that don't rush into any of these decisions breaking up with someone is of course

you know a huge deal you don't need every one of these 21 signs to say right i ticked all the boxes we're breaking up every situation of course is individual um and some of these signs that i talk about might be applicable but you're you're not really in a breakup phase yet this is why it's such a difficult thing to talk about get your head around because each relationship is case by case however in general if you feel what I'm about to say across the board and it's more than you know this isn't a fleeting one week feel this is months months years years then I'm sorry but yeah it's time you should pull the plug okay let's go point one no trust yeah fucking obvious isn't it it's obvious. If you don't trust each other, you should break up. Saying that, when it's reality,

you kind of make excuses. I didn't trust my ex for good reason because he was a sociopath and a psychopath and a narcissist and a cheat and a liar. He was all of those things, but guess what? I still didn't want to break up with him. I made excuses for having no trust. He also made me believe I'm the reason there's no trust. You're crazy. You're over the top. You insecure. All your past boyfriends have cheated on you. That's why you don't trust me. La la la. I have female friends. What's your problem? La la la. All that shit. Turns out I was bang on the money and he was not trustworthy in any shape or form. But it took me a whole year of misery to eventually pluck up the courage and end it with him. No trust is a big, big red flag that you guys

should break up. Are you checking his phone every day? Are you reading his journal? Disclosure, his her you know we can swap this out here it's applicable to both girls and guys but it's always a talk from my experience um but yes these are not specific to genders do you um want to check out where they're going you know is he out and about and you're always concerned about where he is does he perhaps say he's out with someone but then social media tells you otherwise you know like whatever it is, it's the lack of trust. And by lack of trust, I mean, do you think they're sleeping around? Do you think they're cheating on you? Do you think that you're not the only person that they're, you know, into in that way? Yeah, you got to call it off. Trust, once trust is

broken, especially if something happened in the past, it is so fucking difficult to build. It really is. It's nigh on impossible. It's like a shattered mirror. You can glue that motherfucker are back together, but it doesn't ever look the same. Point two, you're feeling miserable all the time. Yeah, another obvious one, but believe it or not, we all stick through this shit. You're feeling fucking miserable all the time. You can't pinpoint why home life is meh, you know, stress is at work or whatever you find ways to keep yourself feeling better you exercise you you party with your friends or you know you you go and walk the dog whatever it is but you just feel miserable like is this it is this my fucking life your home life should be a very happy calm

safe relaxing space i'm not saying you'll have to be in fucking roses and rainbows and sunshine all the time, but you shouldn't be feeling miserable. And I say all the time, I don't mean, oh, I felt really miserable today or, well, we had an argument today, it's over. I mean a chronic misery. That is key, chronic misery. If you're feeling like that and you can mentally piece that towards your relationship as mostly the cause. Yeah, it's time. Point three, following on from that, you're feeling exhausted. This is obviously different to miserable. Miserable is emotion. Exhausting is emotion, but also more physical. Like, do you just feel like fatigued? I've got no fucking energy. I don't, I've got no, I just don't want to do anything. I want to stay

at home all day like that feeling of heavy exhaustion usually relates to like stress especially chronic stress and it's all connected to your emotions your mindset your outlook feeling exhausted constantly is not okay that's not a state we should be in your relationship should help pump you up feeling energized feeling happy I'll give you an example this morning I text my partner and I'm like look I've got a fucking rant for a sec yeah I was like I've got no fucking time to do my content my cat's got a broken paw my other cat's got an ear infection I don't have any time to do makeup or hair to even take nice photos I've got content coming out my ears that backlogged I can't exercise I had surgery a few months ago still can't exercise

I feel miserable blah blah blah and he was the one that was like darling this is this this is this and just like put it into perspective and found a solution and help me out and I immediately felt less exhausted he's like go and do this you know you get more energy that's where your partner should be for you and vice versa of course for them but my arse relationship I got no fucking help no support and all we did was add on more stress more exhaustion to me and I can only see that looking back now. So now I know that's another stipulation that I should have left is that constant exhaustion. Point four, zero sex drive. I think this is a given. Now, my other episode I did a few weeks back, I talk about sex being lost in long term relationships.

We can struggle to keep up the sex and romance when we're together long term, perfectly normal. If that's an issue for you, please listen to that episode. That being said, you know, if there is just, you just don't, it almost repulses you to want to have sex with this person, or they just have no interest in having sex with you, no amount of communication, no amount of groundwork together or spicing it up works. There is just, the sex is just gone. That's a big indicator. It really is.

And I'm sorry that it sucks that it's something so physical that affects the relationship. You might be like, look, but we love each other. We're just like not into each other anymore. Sex is part of that wonderful connection that two people have. I'm not saying you've got to be all over each other every minute of the day, especially not what, eight years in, ten years in, even like three years in. You're like, oh, you know, we all get like that. But it is a big deal. and if there's the sex is completely gone and there's no redeeming it it might be time you think

about moving on point five more arguments than happy times yeah it's another obvious one if you're fucking arguing rowing screaming crying more than you actually join each other's company yeah get the fuck out that's what it was with my ex like just constant arguments he would say stuff to me to rile me i remember one like we had a beautiful sunday together this is an example typical example when you're dating a narcissist and i remember saying to him oh i finally feel relaxed around you like i feel like i just had a really relaxing weekend and it was so alien to me that i felt relaxed around him this is four years in by the way this is how long like the emotional abuse went on for so me saying that seemed to trigger him into thinking well fuck i gotta

put her back on edge so we climb into bed 10 o'clock at night i'm about to go to sleep and he's like oh just so you know i need to move back to the uk i was like what yeah i need to move back you know I need to be with my son I was like what what I mean where does that leave us then he's like I don't know yeah that's and then of course massive argument and I can't sleep and ironically it's not ironic at all it's fucking typical he still hasn't moved back that was two a year and a half two years ago oh and all he did was tell me I need to move back I need to move back I need to move back to cause arguments with me because he knew I would be like well what happens with us and what are you breaking up with me whatever just constant anxious worry

and he still hasn't has he still doesn't want to go back to be with his son it was just arguments arguments arguments and I look back and I'm like how did I fucking live through that so if you're arguing more than you're happy together and there will be happy times don't get me wrong, because there were fleeting moments as well in all of that relationship where I thought we were super happy. But if you can objectively step back and say, hey, we argue way more than we actually even enjoy each other's company. And that's not just, you know, a stressful time in your life or you're due on your period or he's stressed about work. If it's constantly like that, that's a big reason, I believe, to get out.

point six abuse emotional or physical abuse um I'm not going to go into detail on this one but if you've been on the receiving end of which I have of both it's it's a get out immediately I I will season five I'm gonna open up this can of worms I'm not gonna do it just yet but I understand why people stay even with emotional and physical abuse however if this happens at any stage of the relationship. If it's just, you know, just words or breaking phones or breaking objects or, I don't know, kicking your pet or slamming you against the door, whatever it is, any kind of abuse at the first sign, leave immediately and do not look back. point seven you have different outlooks on your future these are deal breakers babies marriage

countries to live in where to to grow up together uh finances say you absolutely want babies and he absolutely doesn't say you really want to focus on your career and you have no interest in marriage and that seems to be all he wants whatever it is if you guys have a future outlook that isn't aligned and no matter how many times you have the conversations nothing gets fixed and you don't manage to come to a neutral grounding together then yeah it's you gotta pull the plug this is hard because you know you can love each other so much at the current time but no amount of years and happy memories together really changes I'll give you an example once again my knock ex said at the very beginning that he wanted to marry me straight away he can't wait

to start a family with me he'd come up with the names of our children of course and then when it come to like the reality of okay let's talk about the actual future you know I was early 30s 31 32 And I was like, look, you know, I'm not getting any younger. I need to know whether I can have kids in the future or not. Then suddenly he's like, nah, don't want kids. Marriage, ugh, that's just a piece of paper. I don't want kids all over the globe. I've already got one.

This was his attitude, right? It was just nah. But at the beginning, it was yes, yes, yes. Well, obviously, he was love bombing me and saying what I needed to hear at the time. But then when reality hit and the love bombing had gone, I saw his true colors. And he was like, nah, not interested. that carried on for years I should have left as soon as he said I don't want marriage and I don't want babies because they're two things that I really do want in my future and but I loved him

so much that I thought he would change and because he'd already said before yeah I you know I do want them down the line I kind of clung on to that and every time I tried to leave him in 2020 because of this conversation about marriage and babies, he would panic and say, oh, I'm just scared. I'm just scared. It will happen. I love you. Talk me around. But rest assured, if I had to go back in time, I wouldn't have met him, but I would have definitely left as soon as he said nah to marriage and babies because it's still breakers for me. Don't cling on hoping the other person will change if they've made it very clear. Point eight, there's reoccurring patterns that never change. Example, my ex always had words that didn't match his actions. So he'd say, you know, I love you,

I prioritize you, I put you first. And everything he did was putting me at the bottom of the pile. And only after we broke up was he like, yeah, I'll admit I, you know, got complacent with you. I didn't support you. It all come out afterwards, but I'd already clocked the patterns and I should have really picked up on that at the time, but annoyingly I didn't. But it was always words never matched what he did. I also noticed that he was a blend of anyone he was around me. I used to say to him, you've got no backbone. I don't know who you are because I watched him become a different version of himself depending on who he was with and that was quite frightening because I mean that is also hallmark of a narcissist but he would always be really invested

in whoever was around him at the time that's why it's easy to cheat this was a reoccurring pattern and I used to say like say no stand up to that person like what's wrong with you like where's your fucking opinions and it's just a pattern that went on and on and on and that's arguments on and on and on. So I think if there's patterns that you've noticed that you bring up and nothing changes, that is a good enough reason on its own to be like, you know, you're living in groundhog day here. One of you needs to get out. It might as well be you. Point nine, it's constantly one sided. This can be sex, money, food shop, organizing stuff, cleaning, looking after the kids, planning things, anything. If your relationship is just constantly one-sided, i.e. you are providing

everything then that's not a partnership because partnership by the name is two two of you everything really should be 50 50 if you are always the one asking for all cuddles begging for a kiss like i used to like oh please can i have a cuddle i used to ask for a cuddle that's the kind of shitty horrendous home life i was in i was scared to go and have a cuddle with him because he was such a fucking monster and always in his own head like oh I gotta work oh I gotta do this oh I don't like cuddling oh I don't like public affection like what you know it was ridiculous but if you're the one that's always always the one pushing for something instigating sex paying for everything like hello I was his fucking check ridiculous then that's a good enough

reason to get out. It needs to be 50-50. Have the conversation if you notice it's one-sided. Address it. If nothing changes and they don't listen to what you're saying, then yeah, it might be time to move on. Point 10. You're always focusing on past happy memories. Yeah, this happened to me. Whenever I was a mess about the present and how horrible it was, I always convinced myself, oh yeah, but we can get it back to that. And remember how amazing it was at the beginning. And why can't you just love me the way you loved me at the beginning? One, Nix, it weren't real. Wake up, sweetheart. Two, focusing on the past is so unhealthy and part of the draining process because you are living in the present. You should be focusing on here and now, creating

happy memories now and then looking forward to happy memories in the future. If all you're doing is fixating on moments that have gone by, that really is not okay and it's something you need to address. Point 11. You are always physically ill. This is moving on from the point of being miserable and feeling exhausted do you always catch a cold feel run down get any you know bug going always have the flu always have a chest infection always have a throat issue are you always sick now that kind I'm laughing because I'm you're like what what's I got to do with my relationship it could well be because you drink too much you smoke too much you don't exercise you eat way too much junk food like burger and chicken yo it could be that but it also could be

because you're running on adrenaline and stress and emotional exhaustion because of your relationship it's definitely linked and it's something that only once you've lived through it and then you've come out the other side and you've become extremely happy do you appreciate how ill you were being made by your toxic relationship. So please always listen to your gut. In fact, I was always having a bad tummy. Always. My gut was fucked. And I was always like, oh my God, always running to the toilet. Sorry if that's too much information, but whatever. Yo, it's my podcast. So it was just always ill. As soon as I left the cunt, he is a cunt. As soon as I left him and then I fixed myself, it took a long time, the belly situ just went completely away. And I realized it was like

my adrenaline going through my body and the stress. I was operating constant on this anxious stress and adrenaline and it was just screwing my insides up because of him. So yes, if you're always physically ill and you're like I fucking exercise I get nine hours sleep you know okay I drink at weekends but I'm not like you know waking up tipping the vodka I'm pretty normal I believe there might be a connection here to your unhappy home life point 12 you feel attracted to others or thinking about feeling attracted to others or perhaps you constantly look around in social situations to see if there's any hottie that catches your eye yeah that's not okay that's not okay that means there's a problem in your relationship you really we all fancy other

people we could say hey he's hot she's hot I do with my partner all the time like even if we're what say we watch the new James Bond and I'm like bloody hell she is stunning you know and he's like yeah, she's pretty hot. We have that normal conversation. We're humans. But if you're thinking it in a way more darker space, like, oh my God, that guy or that girl, I just want to get to know them. I want to find out about them. How do I get that person's number? Then you've crossed the boundary. And if those urges are happening quite a lot, then yeah, your relationship is probably on the decline. Point 13.

You have a weird urge to download dating apps. Just to see. My psycho ex told me he downloaded Tinder even though he was married. Uh-huh. Just to see. He was having a competition with his workmates. Way!

Personal trainers. Way! They were downloading Tinder to see what's out there. As a joke, yeah did not buy that bullshit for one second he wanted to see what kind of women were out there made it as a jokey competition at work so his wife would be semi okay with it i would never be okay with it like no you know if my boyfriend now was like guess what i downloaded tinder at work yesterday, I'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? But it happens. If you yourself have

this weird desire to download a dating app, I think that says it all, doesn't it? It's probably time you have the conversation. Point 14, there's just lies upon lies upon lies. No need to go into this one. You can't live a life built on lies. If your partner is lying to you constantly and being caught out and lying some more, they don't have any respect for you and you should have zero respect for them. And yeah, definitely time to break up. Point 15, you've lost who you are. Oh, I went through this as well. It's probably really the saddest one. You just don't even know who you are anymore all that spark you had is gone that get up and go got up and left no energy feeling shit always needing a shit in my case um constantly running on anxiety and

more worried about where they are and who they're fucking rather than you are even focusing on your own life, can't concentrate at work, you know, no creativity left, no motivation. Yeah. If you've lost who you are, you need to lose who you're dating pronto. Point 16. They're constantly negative about you and to you. Here's an example. Yeah, same psycho ex. You know, the more you go on about this, the more I don't even understand why I did four years of the cunt. But he told me that when he started a new job, one of his colleagues said to him, oh, your girlfriend's really hot. And his response was, yeah, but she's a nutter. She's a nut job, mentor. I was like, what? This really bothered me because I was like, hang on a minute.

So someone pays me a compliment to you. And rather than just saying, oh, thank you, she is, she is really hot. You have to bring me down and say that I'm crazy and I'm mental. Like, why would that be your first reaction? And why would you tell me that? Everything was designed to cause me pain, even mimics like that. So he was making negative comments about me to others and then telling me about them. He painted me as the crazy person because it made him feel better and better about himself. He pretended that I lied, you know, about the amount of money I threw on him or this and that because having other people around him believe his own bullshit story and be negative about me made him feel better so if they're constantly negative like that like that

comment just really stuck with me and you're like probably thinking that's nothing but in the grand scheme of things that's his idea and reaction to me isn't it she's crazy she's mental he can't just say yeah thanks she is she's hot and she's mine you can't do that he has to bring me down and they were, there was a lot worse said to my face as well. If you're in this kind of style of relationship, I would suggest very quickly, you get out. Point 17, you find yourself googling personality disorders. You know, like, what happens when an empath meets a narcissist? why is someone so selfish what why do guys cheat um what what's bipolar uh if you find yourself heading to google googling personality or mental disorders about people that you're trying to you

know i guess put your partner into some sort of category in your mind to understand what's going on, that's already a flag to leave. That shouldn't be the case at all. And I was doing that. I worked out he was a narcissist about a year in. And for the next following three years, I was heavily Googling and researching and piecing together him as a person. Like what? As soon as I started that Google search, fuck, leave, leave, leave. Point 18, you're being reactive aggressive. So this is a big thing in my eyes. It happened to me. Are you being way more snappy and irritable and aggressive than who you are? You know, like, I don't, I don't do this. I don't shout like this. I don't get this mean? Why am I this mean? Yeah, that's because you're in a shit relationship. I don't have

anywhere near the arguments I used to have with my current boo. I don't talk to him in the same way. Yeah, of course we argue, but it's nothing like it used to be. It's just fucking heaven in comparison. And I was so reactive aggressive because I was in such a horrible, toxic relationship that was designed to hurt me but then because I was being mean and snapping and horrible and spiteful I then took all the blame like how could you do this you know look at the way you are and I was like fuck yeah what's happened to me so I absorbed all the blame even then if you find yourself becoming that person that like you're like where the fuck did this come from that's because you're in a shit relationship and that's a really big red flag to leave because you just

can't live like that. That's not okay. Point number 19, your friends and family do not like them. Okay. So, you know, friends and family all have their own opinions and your mother or your dad might be like, nah, fucking hate them. Nope. And you're like, but hang on a minute. It's actually a really nice person. These happen. Okay. They're separate scenarios. If everyone in your life does not like your partner and has in different occasions and different reasons to dislike them and say, hey, but they did this and this, or I've noticed you completely changed since you got with them, like it's not okay. If that happens, open your ears, open your eyes, listen to them, see your partner objectively for how they're seeing him and take on board what they're

saying because I guarantee they're not all wrong. Point 20, your relationship anxiety never goes away. This is that constant gut butterfly feeling. You think it's butterflies. It's not of like worrying, oh my God, what if something, or every time your phone goes off, oh my God, what if they text me something bad? Or what if he's out, but he's not where he said he was? Or what if he's at the gym hitting on that girl? Disclosure. It happened in my case. all that was real. But if you're constantly anxious, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, what's going on? If that anxious feeling never goes away, that's because you're in the wrong relationship. I'm not going to say toxic because you can still have that anxious feeling with

someone who's not as bad as a toxic person. But it's just that deep negative worry and feeling a bit nauseous all the time. If they leave the house and you're like, that's not normal. That's not a healthy, happy home life and is a decent reason to live. Finally, point 21. You guys have had more breakups and make-ups than Henry VIII has had wives. Guys, if you don't know who Henry VIII is, he is, was, bless his soul, not really. He was a Tudor king in England, notorious for marrying and remarrying and marrying and remarrying and killing off all of his wives he had like six probably more than that um yeah so if you do what's your point next we don't need a history lesson uh google henry the eighth if you don't know about him just do it for me so if you break

up makeup break up makeup break up makeup constant pattern leave no it's over oh and your friends can't keep up like I want you together again oh okay that's a huge red flag to let it go yes there'll be times in any relationship where you might get to the point like hey I need some time out or whatever or something big happens and you have to take time off like I can't believe that's going on whatever but if this pattern was reoccurring like oh god how many times are we gonna break up and then romantically gesture get back together and everything's gonna be okay yeah no it ain't it's a reoccurring pattern and it doesn't change and there you have it i hope that helped guys um as you heard it was based a lot on my experience

but also on things that you guys message me about and of course just you know general research and knowledge about relationships. If you have any concerns, as always, about your own situation, perhaps there's something else going on I didn't mention in that list, feel free to reach out to me Instagram at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A. And if you want me to, I can do an episode on how to actually break up with someone. So say you've got it in your head like, yeah, I'm going to do it. how the fuck do you do it if you want that episode shout me out and i'll do it for you thanks guys bye thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me

nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy, come say hi.