Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - A Relationship with a Narcissist: The Narc Playbook

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

Just. URGH. With love, Nixalina. For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com. Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok @nixalina to slide into my DMs.

Your sales order says one thing. Your inventory says another. Your spreadsheet says, good luck. Odoo brings your business together on a single platform. From sales and accounting to inventory and marketing. Visit odoo.com to book a demo. It's O-D-O-O dot com. Hi, it's Nick Salina. Welcome back to another episode of Can't Keep My Mouth Shut. I'm going to break the rules today. Yes, I am. Because rather than a throwback Thursday, I'm going to give you a throwback Monday. Yes, I am. Rebel without a cause.

So tonight's episode is one of my personal favourites from the podcast archives. I hope you enjoy and I will see you all next week. And I am Nixalina. Hey everyone, it's Nixalina again. How are we all? As always, thank you for tuning in to my latest episode on my podcast. I'm absolutely buzzing, by the way, that I'm ranking in the Spotify charts. I love you all so much and the only way that that's happened is because you guys have listened

to me talk. So honestly, thank you for the bottom of my heart for helping me get ranked. And yeah, let's keep it going. Unfortunately, this episode isn't going to have any humor in it whatsoever, because I can't find any humorous level to what I'm about to talk about. It's a subject that is more prevalent than one thinks. And yeah, I believe it's something we should start discussing and making people more aware of. And so this episode is called the emotional damage from a relationship with a narcissist and why you need to leave ASAP. So I want to make it clear now I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a therapist. These are clearly just my own opinions as per every one of

my podcasts. It's my opinions on the subject I'm talking about. And yeah, I'm not a professional in this field whatsoever. So let's make that super, super clear. However, let's discuss. So firstly, I want to start off with the narcissistic traits. I'm going to blank the word narcissist for the narc because it's easier and I'm going to be saying it a lot. The narc traits. Okay, when you meet a narc, they are usually very charismatic, charming, seemingly very successful. They're intelligent and all round awesome. But that's just surface. So once you dig a little deeper, you're going to start seeing the true narc personality. Here's a little list. Let me just say now that not all narcissists have every one of

these traits. They can have a few. They can have like there's a huge spectrum, right, to personality disorders like this so it might be a few or it might be everyone you might listen along and say oh my god like that they tick every one of those box I also want to say that being a narcissist is not gender specific at all they're more likely to be male but you also get female narcissists as well okay so the list goes number one delusions of grandeur they think they're special and above everyone and they deserve special treatment. Number two, they live in a fantasy world that supports this idea. They're preoccupied constantly with fantasies of unlimited success, their own brilliance, perfection, beauty, power, ideal love, ideal family life,

just basically everything one human would ever want as the perfect dream life. That's what they're preoccupied with, particularly with being rich as well. Money, money, money. It's a big factor. Number three, they're absolutely obsessed with admiration and social status. So they are always social climbing. They believe that they're super special and they should be around people who are special too. So often they latch on to people who they think are a somebody in both their work and personal relationships. Number four, they're, as I said, usually obsessed with money, material objects, or things that make them appear to be this somebody. This could be expensive watches, expensive cars, expensive shoes, clothes, expensive trips away, like, you know, really

expensive home, anything that makes them look like they are super successful. Number five, They are in constant need of praise from everyone around them. They must be centre of attention and they monopolise conversations so the conversation is always brought back to them, whatever the subject, even if it's not their subject of choice. Number six, they are able to exploit others without guilt or shame, which sucks. Number seven, they always need to be in control. number eight they lack any empathy which really really sucks because empathy is a big deal as a

human being to make you connect other human beings to make you connect to animals and make you behave in a way where you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that treatment they don't have that number nine they prioritize power over real intimacy that is especially true in personal relationships, but also true work relationships. Number 10, they are prone to rewriting facts and truths to suit their narrative. This also leads on to gaslighting, which I'm going to be talking about later on in personal relationships. Number 11, all relationships are superficial and they're there to serve them a purpose. That's really important. Every relationship serves them a purpose. Number 12, there'll be big highs and there'll be big lows with the narc. They're pretty

fragile, they're insecure, their self-esteem is completely dependent on external validation. So if they're not getting that validation or they don't feel that they're special anymore or perhaps work hasn't gone their way, you're going to get a really big low. People often think narcs are just constantly positive high people. No, it's not the truth. Number 13, there's displays of arrogant behavior. This is part of their delusions of grandeur about themselves. They're very arrogant because they think they're above everyone else or they're better looking than anyone else and that will start to come out in their actions and words. Number 14, they constantly believe people are jealous of them because obviously they're so special or they're always jealous of

what everyone else has they want what everyone else has got what they have isn't enough number 15 there is chronic emptiness with an arc and boredom and restlessness particularly if nobody's around them at the time offering admiration validation and just general attention number 16 they are prone to both cheating and lying unfortunately which really sucks okay so this list is by no means a complete list and like I said like they don't have to tick every box but this is a general generalized narcissistic trait category and if you're listening you might be thinking oh actually there's way too many that she just said that I know someone who's like that so before I move on to being in a relationship with a narcissist because that's what I'm focusing

in on with this episode, I want to first detail that one, narcs usually prey on empaths for that personal relationship bond, because empaths are so giving and so loving. And there's a term called the narcissistic supply. And the empath is a supply in that they will supply unconditional love, emotional support, often financial support, and the empaths rarely ask for it back. they just give give give and the narc take take takes so it's a winning toxic relationship and the second point I want to point out before I start is there's a something called the narcissistic cycle in a relationship which is idolize devalue discard and it's a cycle which is your we're going to find out later on because it doesn't happen just once they will idolize someone they're

perfect, perfect, your best thing ever. And then when you're with that person in a relationship, the narc then starts to devalue you. Then suddenly you're not so perfect. And then suddenly you're worse than perfect. And then you're like, oh, you're the worst, worst, worst. And then it comes to the discard phase where basically you're gotten rid of and replaced. So bearing in mind, there is this three prong cycle that the narcs will go through and that will help you come to terms with what I'm going to talk about now. And if you're listening and you're like, oh God, I feel like she's talking about my relationship. I'm sorry, but let's dive in. And I want to dissect now what happens when you're in a relationship with the narc,

the emotional damage that's going to be caused when you're in this relationship, and also highlight all of the points as to why you need to leave. Okay, let's go. First phase, number one, is love bombing. Narcs are charming as fuck to begin with. They shower you with attention, compliments, gifts, texts, calls. They cannot get enough of you. You, honey, are the best thing in the entire fucking world. They tell you how special you are, how unique you are, how stunning you are.

You're so beautiful, your body's perfection, you're a goddess. They even craved you before they even knew you. you are immediately their soulmate and the love of their life and you think oh my god this is it this is what real love is I have found it this is the love they talk about in the movies you know where two people meet and oh my god yeah I've got that I found that and as they're pretty much usually quite attractive people they're very charismatic they're very attentive and caring intelligent at the beginning, you just sucked right in, honey, like a tidal wave. They're basically your ready-made soulmate. And you're there feeling the center of their universe

and you are beyond blessed. Sounds too good to be true, right? Because it is. Real love is nurtured, grown, built on togetherness and time. This isn't real. This is love bombing. This is a love grenade thrown into your heart with a big ass explosion and you're just on cloud nine. But unfortunately, that cloud is going to disappear very, very fast. There is no love bombing time frame. It can be weeks. It can be months. It can be years. It's usually not years, because they are incapable of keeping up that facade. It's probably months, I would say. But even in those few months, say, let's pick a ball, say it lasts for six months.

It's actually really hard to pick up on the fact that it's love bombing because if they keep up for that time, you are just convinced this is generally who they are. You know, so it's so difficult to see like the wood through the trees here because you think I've met my soulmate and no one can tell you otherwise. Number two, mirroring. Mirroring is a technique they use to catch you in with the love bombing phase. This basically means they will often mirror the person they're trying to conquer. So they pick up on your habits and claim to be the same. They claim to value your values. Like, are you creative? Do you paint? Do you write? Do you read? Oh yeah, they are too. Are you intelligent? They are too. They love to listen to these

discussions or listen to this or talk about this. Are you sporty? They are too. They play for the football team. They go to the gym. They go hang out at the basketball court. Are you homely? Of course they are too. They can't wait to settle down, build a home together and spend cozy weekends together. They basically mirror all of your values. This is a technique that's quite widely known with humans. We do tap into each other when we see ourselves in someone else. So the mirroring isn't just a technique dealing with knocks in a relationship. It's kind of like how we operate human beings within our social spheres but they they use that to their advantage so that you then also think like oh my god this person is is my soul mate they're not number three this is the

withdrawal of the love bombing and when the devaluation starts as soon as they realize they have you. Like hook, line, and sinker. Things change. The love bombing, of course, because it's not real, so it's really hard for them to keep this up, starts to fizzle out. It's not gonna, you know, you're not gonna wake up one day and then they'll be like, oh, I hate you. It's the slow burn downwards. The texts get less and less. The calls get less. They're too busy at work now to take your calls. Then you start to feel like you're driving this relationship machine completely solo and they're just hanging out on the passenger side doing fuck all. You start feeling like, oh my god, I'm annoying them rather than someone they look forward to interacting with like before.

And this devaluation phase really starts to chip away at you and you wonder, well, why has it changed? Why don't they want to call me anymore? How comes I'm always the one texting good morning? How comes I'm always the one asking when they're free? Why don't they care when I'm free? They used to care when I'm free so you start wondering why this change has happened and then of course you end up blaming yourself so because you think oh maybe you know maybe I caused too many rows maybe I pushed him away maybe he doesn't like how I dress or maybe he doesn't like how much makeup I put on and wherever he is you're going through your head you start to blame yourself so then you work harder to get back that affection you once had which is what they want because that is a form

of control. And of course, you're going to go excess in your admiration, attention, affection, because you're trying to get them back to where they were before. So then they just get their supply tenfold, which feeds what the narcissist needs to function. Number four, I call this the narc show, and you're just a supporting star. You may start to realize everything is evolved around them. Their wants, their needs, their time, their habits, their conversations. You start to realize that whenever you try and discuss something about yourself, they switch off, have zero interest, look away, look on their phone, watch some TV, or they use a segue comment to then revert the conversation back to themselves. And you'll start to realize, yeah, this is the narc show and I'm

just making a cameo here I'm the supporting star it may not be a quick realization but it will come eventually especially if you live with the narc because they can't keep this mask up 24 7 so things start to crack and of course because they've already got you now and the love bombing phase has disappeared and they're in devaluation stage they kind of don't care about showing their true face. So everything is involved around them. I'm selfish. So what? Get used to it. And you're like, oh, this isn't who I thought you were. But you're way too in it at the moment to be able to step back and say no. And if you try and put up boundaries, good luck with that. Number five, feeding off your love, compliments and affection.

So even though they're devaluing you, even though they're making everything about them, I want to be super clear that they adore how much you love them they live for it they can't get enough of their own reflection in your eyes because after you've been love bombed you genuinely think they're the best human on the planet and they adore that reflection of themselves in your eyes and that's a real key thing to to remember so you will stick by them when most would run a mile you forgive major problems repeatedly you might pick up on lies perhaps you pick up on cheating which I'll come to later on but you'll sweep it away when they start telling you their lies and making it all sound okay because you are so madly in love with them that you don't want anything

to ruin your happy little bubble with your most amazing love of your life not you'll probably also emotionally and often financially support them without much back you just basically offer a shit ton of praise a shit ton of adoration affection you are there giving them everything they want and need and they feed off of it and this is especially true if you are an empath because empaths usually offer unconditionally without asking for much back, which is just even worse. Number six, their obsession with persona, social media and social status. So along the way, you may start to realize that they're actually super obsessed with how they're viewed to the outside world, especially on social media. They're obsessed with being

somebody. They think that they're super special and they want to be around someone very special. if you are pretty special in their eyes i mean like if you have a lot of money or you have some sort of status or you have a well rep reputable job or you have i don't know friends or your gang is very reputable then they'll both admire you and want to be around you but also resent you and be jealous of you and in turn try and pull you down at the same time so basically what i'm trying to say is the qualities that they are attracted to in the first place because obviously they only associate with special people because they're super special so they are attracted to you because you're special but they're the very qualities that they will start to resent and start

pulling you down behind closed doors because they don't have those real qualities so they get quite jealous and resentful. It's not fun to be that person. But you just have to basically remember that, okay, I am actually genuinely authentically, you know, this person, I have this, I have this, I have this in my life. And you have to try and separate that from the narc's need to pull you down to their level. What you'll also notice with social media particularly is that they portray a version of themselves online which is the opposite of the version at home. Maybe they're like super fun person at work, maybe they're super successful, they look like they've got a load of money or they're living a high life but then you realize that, I don't know, that they're broke or you

realize that actually they're miserable or perhaps you think they're depressed or perhaps they're always angry at home. But you'll see a stark contrast between who they're saying they are versus who you know they are. And the problem you have with this is everyone around them beyond you gets that facade. They get that mask. So everyone thinks they're great. Everyone looks at their social media and thinks they're awesome. Everyone believes what the narc says because they are masters of manipulation of lying and of putting themselves in the center of every fucking universe so it's a really hard thing to get your head around because then you think well if everyone thinks they're wonderful if they appear to be wonderful why am i so miserable at

home why do i see this side maybe i'm choosing to see this side maybe they are this person and it starts to set off a lot of um issues in your own mind and contradictory thoughts within yourself. Number seven, their delusions of grandeur slash sense of extreme self-importance. So leading on from all of the above, they have a very high sense of self-importance. As I said, they are above other people, their desperate need for excessive admiration. They believe they deserve more than what they have. They want more than what they have. And their future potential is beyond anything that you can comprehend. Unfortunately, that constant need for more, more, more, more, more makes them very unhappy people in the present.

And also in a complete contradiction to this self-importance mindset that they have, they're actually quite insecure people who punish people around them for their own deep lack of self-confidence like if they find people that are genuinely self-confident genuinely happy with their life you know it bothers the narc because they are not like that and they're unable to get there so from what I believe it all seems to stem from deep negative feelings the narc actually has about themselves and they will never be able to confront that which is why it's a mask and a facade lifestyle like constantly. You will actually probably realize you're going to be picking them up emotionally quite a lot. You're having to life coach them to feed them the praise

and the attention. You have to keep up with this self-importance delusion that they have. You have to feed their pipe dreams. You have to always praise what they're going to do, what they're going to say and listen to their big plans and keep going. That's amazing. You will start to realize you're feeding a lot of that and if you dare to stop or you don't they will become distant cold and robotic they prefer you when you're giving them what they want and when you've given them what they want i also mean your body as well right like physically giving them you everything you have they're actually they're nicer to be around if they're getting that off you if you're giving them all that attention if you're blowing smoke up their ass when you don't then you start

seen a really different side to the narc. Number eight, severe lack of empathy. So let me just make this clear. A lack of empathy or a lack of being able to comprehend what someone else is feeling is a hallmark trait of a narcissist. They don't comprehend any emotion attached to someone else. So this is how they can so easily do bad things to you, say bad things to you or treat others around them badly there is zero empathy and this lack of empathy is is part and parcel of why you become so damaged because the lack of empathy causes your home space which is supposed to be peaceful and calm and happy it will become miserable dark it will be an argument filled space where you are left unheard, unseen, frustrated, upset, devalued, neglected. It's

pretty much emotional abuse, if I'm honest. And with the lack of empathy, what this also means is if you ever tried and tell them how you feel or point out any of their mistreatment, you are going to have one hell of a fight on your hands. They are not okay with facing any of their own bad behavior, it will always, always, always, always be your fault. Because of their lack of empathy, they will never focus on how you might feel or what they've done to you. They'll either flip it to ensure all blame is on you or deliver empty, hollow apologies such as, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but, or okay, yeah, all right, I messed up, but, which is totally not genuine you're left miserable constantly defeated you're feeling blamed for everything

that is wrong in both their life and then in your life together and your self-esteem starts to decrease and your insecurities start to rise so this lack of empathy is is a huge issue what it also means as well is they will be able to do really shitty things to you that you would never comprehend that they can do. And it will often come out of nowhere. One minute you're fine and you think life is great and then they'll do something or say something and you're just thrown off. And you're like, but why? How could you do that? How could you do that to me? I don't understand. I don't understand. It's because they have no empathy for how you feel. So whatever they choose to do in their life will serve them. Any situation they want to be in has to serve them.

it suits their needs and if you get hurt in the process they don't care number nine devaluation so as i said earlier this comes after the idolation um it comes swift after the love bombing the devaluation phase of you your sense of self your emotions your love it's one of the hardest parts of being with a knock because at the beginning you were fucking special you were the best thing ever. You were praised, you were adored, you were loved. You were a goddess that came shining into their life and they are obsessed with you. Suddenly, without explanation, all that gets taken away and you become devalued. Suddenly the affection goes, the texts stop, the calls get less and less. Suddenly they're not that bothered about being around you, spending time with you or

treasuring you they will choose to work longer hours they will choose to be hanging around anyone else but you if they you ever try and say you know like i want to see you or i'm lonely whatever you just get an argument back it's almost like they fucking hate you now granted want to make it very clear all honeymoon phases in relationships change settle and wane slightly that's why it's called the honeymoon phase every relationship begins with that honeymoon phase which is another reason why love vomit so hard to spot because every couple when you fall in love oh my fucking god it's amazing right so the honeymoon phase is normal and the honeymoon phase changing and weaning off is also normal the difference when you're with a knock is that the devaluation phase it almost

feels like they actually hate you now and they have a complete change in personality like you don't know who they are, when it's absolutely opposite of who you thought they were. That is not in a normal relationship. That's not the honeymoon phase phasing out. That's a problem. Whilst it may be a problem, let me make it very clear, they're not going to leave you. They have little interest in you. Everyone else is way more important. Everyone else includes their ex-partners, their work colleagues, acquaintances, the bloke who lives down the road. everyone is way more important than you but they will not leave you if they have use for you still they will not leave you they enjoy their control too much and their ego would take too much of a

hit if you moved on to someone better so they keep you at home as their emotional sponge number 10 gaslighting another hallmark quality of a narc and something so desperately awful to be on the receiving end of. So gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse used to manipulate someone. So NARCs gaslight you to distort your reality, twist the truths, deny your feelings or emotions, dispel anything they've ever previously said and done, blatantly lie and then falsely blame others. You will start to want to be recording your conversations with a NARC. That's when you know you're being gaslighted, that's when you know there's a serious issue here. If you think I need to record my conversation so that I can prove down the line that they actually said that.

So here are a few signs you're being gaslighted. Your self-confidence seems to have disappeared completely. You think you're going crazy. You can no longer trust your own judgments. You think you're too emotional or too sensitive. You feel you cannot do or say anything right anymore. you feel constantly at fault or the one to blame you seem to say sorry and apologize a lot you're basically not just the same person that you used to be you find yourself maybe making excuses for their behavior even maybe you then justify their behavior in your own mind you question your own responses in situations with them and you you blame yourself like you think, oh, I behave terribly. And you constantly have some anxiety, like gut feeling something is

wrong, something is wrong, but you don't know what. You will be very confused. You will probably then be unable to sleep, maybe unable to focus at work. You will, like I said, feel the need to want to start recording conversations. And it's just, it's just truly awful. It's soul destroying. but why do they do it um to help you understand it actually puts them in a position of power and control it helps them like convince other people that you're the one with the problem right convince themselves convince you and convince everyone else you're the one with the problem it also helps keep you there doting on them because you've got no confidence left and you you don't think you deserve better because you're the one in the wrong you're always to blame

You are always to blame. You're the crazy one. You're the one that's too emotional. So it controls you, but also ensures that they have their constant narcissistic supply in you because you suddenly can't function or live without them. Number 11, triangulation slash third party involvement. So along with being gaslighted and the lack of empathy, being on the receiving end of triangulation is so damaging. And this wasn't really a thing that I had even heard of before I started doing research on this topic for this episode. But wow. So triangulation is when a third person, usually females with a male narc partner, are used as tools of manipulation in the relationship with the narc. So once again, the same as gaslighting, triangulation is to

ensure the narc keeps the power, the control, and basically allows them to constantly install insecurity, worries and fears that you're losing the love of your life. And it also makes the narc look like they're admired and in demand, which they thrive off. So take a narc relationship with a woman, the guy's the narc, the woman's the empath. There will be a third woman always on the peripheral, right? Always. She will probably be an ex-partner or a close friend or a mutual friend or a work colleague. The third woman might not even know she's being used in this triangulation sick method of control, but she will be. So if they start to see that you have a problem with someone or you're calling them out on like, okay, this is really weird. You two are too close. Or

like, why are you still talking about your ex or something like that? They'll pick up on, oh, this third person makes her feel really insecure. I can use that. Knowledge is power. Don't forget. So this third person will get put on a pedestal. She'll be brought into convo. She'll be idolized and she'll just basically be in your life, right? And you'll start to feel like you're having a fucking relationship with him and her and and whatever you do or say it doesn't she doesn't go away even if she physically went away he would still be working them into your home life then if you bring her up because at some point you're going to get fucking sick of it you'll be told you're insecure you're jealous you're crazy you're too sensitive you're imagining things

you need to get a grip you need to talk to someone it's fucking mind games a narcissist enjoys using the triangulation as a mind game it gives them the power and control over you it makes them feel fucking awesome they're superior they've got people competing they've got you at home getting rageful and jealous over this other woman they've got this other woman who thinks they're fucking awesome. And that all gives them that validation and approval of themselves that they're the fucking shit. They don't care how much it hurts you. Number 12, flying monkeys. I don't know if you've seen the movie The Wizard of Oz, but the wicked witch of the West, the green-faced one, I think she's deeply misunderstood, if I'm honest. She sends her flying monkeys out to

do the dirty work for her so this is basically where this is where this term comes from from this one movie so if you haven't seen it maybe you'll have to google a clip on youtube what the narc does is enlists the help of others around them and others around you to aid in their campaign of bringing you down while bigging themselves up these flying monkeys will usually be could be family members of both of you it could be mutual friends of yours it could be your personal female friends it would most likely will be colleagues at their work their friends they hang out with these flying monkeys will be believing their story will be damaging you know your reputation will be going around saying yes she's crazy and that because that's what they do

they they're all like flying around the narc who's in the epicenter are believing the crap that comes out the narc's mouth and it's all designed and geared as like a massive smear campaign to bring you down but no one ever stops to think why did you not leave her then if that woman's that bad if that woman's everything she said you said she is and why didn't you leave oh no there'll always be a reason there'll always be an excuse and so the cycle goes on number 13 silent treatment slash withdrawal of affection. So just the silent treatment, right, it's a difficult one because actually when you argue with your partner, which is completely normal, it's actually a lot better to just walk away and have time apart because otherwise you're just in there going like those

little yappy dogs that just don't stop. And you're actually not listening to each other. You're not getting anywhere. And the argument is just going to become like a tornado and spiral out. So the silent treatment or withdrawing during an argument can be actually a positive move when it comes to how the narc uses it it's another method of control and to get the power back so you're craving that emotional support you're craving that physical attention you're trying to have this conversation with him you're trying to tell them how you feel and they would just shut you the fuck out. They shut you out. They won't talk to you. They'll leave the building. They'll turn their phone off. And if they haven't got anywhere else to go and they're not interested,

they will completely withdraw from you. You get nothing. You get silence. They won't even look at you. This is punishment. This isn't normal. This is punishment because whatever's going on in their head or whatever situation you two are dealing with, they are blaming you entirely for it in their minds and they want to punish you. It also keeps you hooked because you don't want to dare go into that phase again because being ignored and rejected and blanked is so awful, especially in your own home. So it keeps you hooked, trying to be the good person, trying to always be what they need so you don't get to that phase. Number 14, dangling carrots. This is another common analogy where you have the donkey the person ties a carrot just in front of the donkey's face

the donkey tries to get the carrot walks and walks and walks and walks however long he walks the carrot is never getting any closer to his face okay the narcs use this method to dangle things in front of you things that you want and expect in your relationship to keep you hanging on to keep you there. These are usually promises of vacations, future plans, maybe traveling the globe together, maybe buying a home together. And of course, the two big ones is marriage and children. So they'll pop these in pretty soon into your relationship. They'll definitely talk about it in the love bombing phase, and then things will start to taper off. But whenever they feel like perhaps they're losing you or they've devalued you a bit too much and they're

not sure you know where you're at then they just pop a carrot in again bring it back round make some more empty promises and you start feeling like oh yeah okay he you know he's fine he loves me and you know maybe I was just imagining things but if you if you take a look at the whole relationship you'll start to realize that these things were never going to happen They had no intention of delivering on any of those values. It was empty words designed to keep you exactly where they want you, which is at home, by their side. Number 15. Trust issues slash cheating elements start to pop up. You'll start to notice they're more secretive of their behaviour.

They'll maybe work later or start work earlier. They'll never be home. Maybe they'll start working more at weekends. you'll start to notice women popping up on their phone or on their social media you'll start to feel angst panic worried hurt you'll have a constant sick feeling in your tummy 24 7 if you ever try and address these concerns of these other women who are they who is that why are you following her who is this person texting you where have you been why are you working so late it will always be flipped back on you just you need to understand you are never going to get the truth from this person and you're never going to win these rows you'll be called crazy

insecure jealous probably told you need therapy you'll be told that your past relationships have damaged you or that i don't know your family upbringing has damaged you they'll find reasons to make you the problem rather than being able to address like in any adult fashion the what the fuck they're up to basically if you do catch him red-handed actually cheating it will be your fault because you made him angry because you're so crazy at home because you're such a mess of a woman because you're always sick because you're too emotional because you don't have sex enough and they've got a high sex drive. Even if you catch them red-handed, honey, it will still be your fault. You'll be the problem. You are the reason they cheated. Always. If you don't catch them

red-handed, but you've caught them, but you still don't have quite enough evidence, they will definitely always sweet talk it around. So it will be, oh, she's just a friend at work. Oh, I told her to stop texting, but she didn't. Oh, I was just perving on Instagram. All men do that, don't they? It's innocent. I'm just a bloke. That's what blokes do. Oh, it was just texting banter. It's not flirting. What's wrong with you? I'm allowed to have female friends. You need to seriously sort yourself out. I don't have a problem with you having male friends. You'll get all of this, right? And there might be legit words in there. And that's half the problem because you might be thinking, shit, maybe I am too insecure. He

should be able to have female friends. Maybe everyone does look at naked women on Instagram and you start to question yourself and it keeps going and going and going and they carry on doing what they're doing, doing, doing. Number 16, it all induces anxiety or depression or panic disorders. so given all of the above that i've just said you can now easily imagine that the person on the receiving end in this narcissistic relationship has become a stress-filled anxious mess so this person on the receiving end is probably going to start having sleepless nights not able to eat properly panic attacks anxiety spells breakdowns crying spells screaming matches maybe starts throwing stuff in anger there will be these huge waves of serious anger and frustration

because they are in this god-awful toxic relationship then there'll be moments of utter utter fucking sadness where like you know you you basically just can't believe you've got here you don't know who this person is anymore you don't know who you are anymore um it's really fucking awful. What this will do though, when you start behaving in this way, this will demean you more in their eyes because they don't like signs of weakness. They don't like sick or emotional or unstable. They don't want that at home and more as well, they don't want the stress. How can you be their constant supply if you're a broken woman? This is like a big turn off. So rather than any true empathy, which we know they don't have, they're like, oh, you're a mess. They don't care.

They'll then use your current state against you, saying how concerned they are about you. They'll make your current state the main focus, not what caused it, not what caused it. And that's a key point. Your reaction will always be the problem, not what you reacted to. Your current breakdown will always be the problem. Oh, God, you just can't human. Not the reason why you're breaking down. There is never any focus on why you are the way you are or why the situation has happened. It's just how you reacted or what you're now doing that they focus on, which puts all of the blame on your shoulders. And my God, can you imagine that burden? And you know what the sad thing is, is all you ever wanted was that man to just love you properly. But you just had no clue

that you were asking the wrong human for all the right things. Think about that for a minute. Number 17, you become someone you don't recognize. Are we everything I just said? You, the worst part of this is you become exactly who he's claimed you are. You become a broken, insecure mess of a woman. You probably used to be super confident, happy, positive, full of energy. Now, you don't even recognize you. You're constantly spending most of your time trying to find out what the fuck he's up to, who he's with, whether he's lying to you.

You're trying to catch out any lies. you're looking on his social media for any signs that he's not where he is or not who he is and not where he says he is you don't know where his money's going you don't actually know if he's at work or not you don't even know if he's happy anymore you don't think he loves you anymore you think he hates you you don't even know if he wants a future with you it is exhausting then because you hate the woman you've become and because you've become the woman he said and claimed you are you have self-hatred that perpetuates even more insecurity in you more low self-esteem more pain and then more worry that he's now going to cheat and so it goes on

number 18 if you try to leave it's back to idolize devalue and discard cycle all over again you leaving them is not an option right let's make that very fucking clear you cannot leave a knock narcissists have to be the one to leave you and it's usually only once they've got a second person already waiting in the wings so they have a new supply narcs can't handle you leaving they'll throw tantrums they'll cry they'll throw fits of rage and then they'll idolize you if they think they're losing you and they can see some strength left because they think they've stamped it all out if they think shit she's actually going to leave then you become back the main supply you are then everything that they always wanted they're back to fake promises they like they freak out you

cannot leave a narc you cannot leave a narc unless they have a replacement which is another reason why narcs are so high highly likely to cheat right because because their ego is so fucking well it's non-existent they constantly need admiration from women from other people so they're more likely to want to like fuck around and get women to adore them because that's how their ego is is nourished right so if you're trying to leave the narc and they don't have another supply that's like expect war is all i can say expect emotional war and you are going to have to show some serious fucking inner strength and honestly i'm not surprised that most people go back because it is it is so painful so what they then do they then become everything you

you thought they were they then love bomb again and then this leads me on to my next point so number 19 there's massive grandiose gestures of changing getting help and then they realize you're worth. So they suddenly offer massive gestures of change. So they might say they'll get help. They might say they'll have therapy. They might suggest couples counseling. They might go and buy you something really expensive. They might take you somewhere really special. They might book a weekend away. They might do a big grand gesture for your family or your friends. They are love bombing you all over again. They'll make more promises. There's more carrots dangling and then they revert back to the old ways of always texting always calling you they're going

to be affectionate again they'll tell you that you know you're one in a billion and you're the best thing that happened to them and they've been just so blind and they can't believe that they almost let you go that they almost let you slip through their fingers they don't want anyone else to have you you're amazing you're theirs and this is it this is love this is it right you'll start to believe that they've seen the light and that they've genuinely changed you will then take them back right because you want to believe it let's not neglect this underlying fact that you are so in love with this person they're not in love with you because they're not capable of genuine love but you are so authentically unconditionally in love with this person and they're now telling you

everything that you want to hear they're now acting in a way that they've starved you off for so long. And they're now saying all of the things that just makes your heart happy. Of course you're going to go back. Honestly, I don't blame you. So once you go back, moving on to point 20, back to devaluation. Yep, you guessed it. The idolization phase is over now. You're back where they want you. And the love bombing is over. And now you're back to the mess you once were. They seem to hate you again. They're back to prioritizing everything and everyone above you again. They're back to checking out other women again or lying or becoming secretive again or there's another new woman that pops up and it's different to the other

person and yeah it goes on and on and on and the cycle of what I've just all gone through starts all over again how fucking exhausting is that so when you're in a relationship with a narc the ending is just as bad as the entire relationship so there's two options to how this really ends okay the first option is you try and leave again well you maybe you've left the number once maybe you found the strength to leave the first time and you never look back that is of course an option and like hats off to you if you had that strength at that point but then the next option is you try and leave again um before they've set up a new supply it is highly difficult but you've gone no like i'll come back this is just the same as it was

see you later this is where you then have to it's like a drug it's like an addiction so you almost have to go cold turkey and rewire your brain into moving on yourself again and you're like I've been here before how you know how comes I'm back here again and you have to find god just such strength that you didn't even know you had or the other option is you're the one that now gets discarded and replaced, which leads me on to my final point. Number 21, discard, replace. Once they get a new supply or victim, you're suddenly going to come irrelevant, right? So this is the hardest, hardest bit. So if they've taken you back or you've taken them back and you're not leaving or it's still god-awful, but you're kind of not actually going, the chances are they have lined someone else up

even when they're still with you, because they're plan ahead, right? They don't exist without a supply. So then when you eventually separate, they'll appear to move on so fast, as if you never existed. And because there's no empathy, they won't fucking care either. So you're left in the worst pain imaginable, picking up the broken pieces of your entire self, picking your life back together again, mourning and grieving the loss of what you thought was the love of your life. You're grieving so much pain. You're trying to reassemble your own brain, your own mindset, your own personality. And they appear to have walked off smelling of roses, finding immediate love admired by everyone else around them still and they've managed to paint you

as the crazy insecure rage-filled zero confidence jealous ex-girlfriend and that is how that is how it ends so what what can we take away from this firstly if you are in a relationship with a narc there is no happy option unless they are absolutely 120 committed to some sort of life therapy change but honestly narcs don't change right so if you are resonating with anything i've said the choice is you get out you have to get out and if you want it to hurt less than the discard and replace try and find the strength to get out while you can do what you have to do in the background to you know if you've got like marriage kids or money a mortgage or whatever tied in put plans in place silently in the background

for your departure because it's fucking war and they're not going to make it easy for you they don't want you but they certainly don't want anyone else to have you if you leave it to the point you are discarded expect the worst pain of your life because they will already have lined a new person up so not only are you dealing with your own breakup you're having to deal with the fact that they've already gone out with someone they've already slept with her they've already started dating her you know and of course if you speak to them they'll tell you how fucking wonderful she is and how she's everything you're not of course so you're you're not even left to mourn your relationship in peace you're now having to deal with the extra pain

of knowing that they're with someone else but chances are that someone else was around in the background long before you split up which is something you also have to get your head around um but also you fixate on them finding happiness and you're in it so it makes you so angry because you're like hang on a minute I've been left with all the broken pieces of this absolute shit show of a relationship and you're the one that's caused it all and then you just walked off it's like they've lit a match set you on fire and then strolled off and had had a coffee while you burn to the ground. You know, it's so unfair. So I would say the best thing to do is to try and leave before you get to that phase. You need to do your research on narcissistic abuse, abusive

relationships. You need to speak to someone. You probably need a therapist by this point. You need to do all your research on recovery from a narcissistic relationship. You need to talk to your friends, your family. Yeah, and just basically build that bridge for you to leave so that when you do, even if they try and create this war, you're able to separate yourself from it. I would say that's the better option than waiting for them to replace you because it's just the worst pain you'll ever feel. I know I've talked for ages. I'm very well aware. Whoever stayed listening to the very end thank you i hope that this has helped on some level need to reiterate this is just my opinions on this subject um it's definitely a subject that's that needs

more conversation you'd be surprised at the amount of toxic narcissistic relationships people are stuck in and staying in um and also because narcs are so charming and wonderful you know to everyone else you would never dream of what's going on behind closed doors either so what I want to say to anyone is if you want me to do another episode on recovery from a narcissistic relationship if you want me to talk about how you help like really talk about how you get out if you want me to talk about how you cope after the healing process and how it works please just dm me on instagram at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a or you can drop me an email if you'd rather it be anonymous nixalina at gmail.com just reach out to me and say hey I you know I want that follow-up episode

and I will do that for you if not well as I said thank you for listening sorry this is a heavy one it needs to be talked about and I hope just one of you listening like this is all really registered with your situation and you've started to realise that, yeah, perhaps it's time to move on. Thank you so much and I will see you next week. Thanks for listening to the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina. I'm recorded in the Splice Car Studios in Singapore.

I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening Please do give me a 5 star review, it helps other people also find my podcast For more content and features to read, you can check out my website nixalina.com That's nixalina.com i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-m-a to find me don't be shy come say hi