Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Cluster B Personality Disorders to Avoid When Dating – Narcissist, Histrionic, Antisocial and Borderline

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

​In my opinion, this stuff needs to be included in school education. For your own help and understanding, I've detailed the cluster B personality disorders that make for toxic relationships that may cause you long-lasting trauma and damage.   My advice? Run for the hills.   For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com.   Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Can't Keep My Mouth Shut with me, Nick Salina, your favorite podcaster. this episode is a heavy one putting that in there immediately right now it's intense it's heavy but it's also one that i recommend very highly that you bookmark and listen to often when dating it is called cluster b personality types to avoid when dating we have antisocial borderline histrionic, and narcissists. This is the exact noise you need to make when we list off these

types of people. So let's firstly start with why I'm doing this episode, because your bitch here has had two very, very traumatic, narcissistically abusive relationships, and I've talked about them a lot in my previous podcast, Sex in Singapore City. I went with a covert narcissist for four and a half years to an overt grandiose narcissist for a year. Why I went with two is a whole episode entirely. It happens regularly, so please don't think there's anything abnormal with me. Often, if you're the type of person that attracts cluster B personality disorder into your life, you'll do it more than once until you are healed, of which I am now. But yes, I have unknowingly dated these two types of men, and this almost

nearly destroyed me, my psyche, my life in general. If I had known about narcissism, cluster Bs in general, I would have been armed a lot more earlier to be able to understand the toxicity, what's going on and get out earlier, right? But I was pretty clueless. And even when I went through my grandiose narcissist after the first one, even though I taught myself about narcissism, I still didn't understand the depths and the levels and the varieties because then and that's why I got the second one. So what I want to do today is discuss these in depth so that you guys don't live through what I lived through. That's my main aim of the game. And I really genuinely believe mental disorders and personality disorders should be taught

at school. I think when we grow up in our teens, we should learn about this stuff. even if it's perhaps to help those going through that, you know, if a teenager is discovering they might be antisocial borderline, like, I think it should be educated. And it's not, as far as I'm aware. And you know, in like the general curriculum when you're young. So here I am trying to educate adults so we can make better life choices. So firstly, I want to make it very clear, not a qualified professional in the mental health field. I'm not a psychologist or counsellor. I am a narcissistic abuse survivor and a victim of narcissistic abuse, which has led me to research, understand. And I honestly, this is the kind of relationship you will not grasp unless

you've been through it. So shout out to all the victim survivors of narcissistic abuse. I got you. and yes people don't understand which is something you just accept so what I reel off today please note like I said you can google and research it but I am not a qualified professional but this is just me helping you with information from what I've been through so a personality disorder what is this it's a mental health condition that affects the way that that person thinks behaves and relates to others. These disorders often lead to huge amounts of distress and usually really quite harmful, self-destructive coping strategies for that person with the disorder. People in the cluster B type definitely have trouble regulating their emotions and definitely

struggle to maintain relationships. So the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition, DSM-5, have clarified these 10 personality disorders and split them into three main clusters. Okay, so it's three categories. Cluster A is the most severe. So a person with this type is, oh yeah, they're very unusual, eccentric, unique. The three cluster A's are paranoid, schizoid, and schizotypal personality disorders. Cluster B is four disorders, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic. these people very dramatic emotional erratic and difficulty regulating their emotions cluster c has three personality disorders these are just generally anxious and avoidant so we have

avoidant dependent and obsessive compulsive personality disorders what i'll say now is these can overlap. Yes, you can have more than one personality disorder, which actually makes it very difficult for diagnosis, which then also makes it very difficult for treatment. For instance, psychoanalytic therapies don't really work for cluster B personality types. And often, narcissists will go into therapy with an aim to outwit your counselor or therapist and it's hard to spot. So yeah, it's a very complex field that we're dealing with in this episode and it's difficult because a lot of them share very similar behaviors. So you can have like the lack of concern for other people's well-being you can have the lack of morality and that is in

antisocials but also in narcissists so it's like it overlaps as well yeah it is quite tricky so please bear with me on this one I'm going to try and help you understand as much as possible the reason I am dealing only with cluster b personality disorders in this episode is because one it's I don't want to bore you all to death I hope I never bore you to death anyway but these are the main ones that I find often cause toxic relationships I mean they're all extremely damaging to be around but I find often especially in this day and age cluster B's just seem to be quite prevalent also the word narcissism is thrown around all over the place and no one really actually seems to grasp what it is. It's like, oh, she takes loads of selfies. What a narcissist.

No, she's vain. Taking selfies for social is not your diagnosis of narcissism, okay? But we'll get to that. So let me break down the first one, which is antisocial personality disorder, also referred to as a sociopath. So a person with this disorder behaves in a way that just basically shows a complete disregard for the rights and needs of anyone else. Common features would be deceitful, manipulative, and highly criminal behavior. So a lot of people in prison, a majority of the prison population would probably have antisocial PD, or at least on the spectrum. And that's another thing I would point in now, you can be on the spectrum of these personality disorders. So that makes it even more difficult, annoyingly, to work out because maybe

someone is just on the cusp or, you know, like a lower antisocial PD than someone else. So actually they don't look as bad in comparison. So then you think, well, they can't be antisocial because they haven't done this, this and this that that person has, you know. Antisocial PD types will probably be very charming, very similar to narcissists in that they just disregard moral values and social norms. They can hurt people and have no remorse. And honestly, they're most likely repeatedly getting arrested. They also lie a lot as well, which annoyingly, so do narcissists. I think the main difference to understand with antisocial PD is they just have no regard for like laws, moral laws, laws of the land, or people's feelings. They lie and cheat to get

their own goals met, they're very manipulative, and they just feel no remorse for their actions. They're also highly likely to be addicted to substances like alcohol and drugs. so general traits of antisocial pd are as follows persistent lying and deceit on purpose with the aim to exploit other people around them very callous cynical disrespect of other people people in general and people around them extreme arrogance reoccurring criminal behavior you know they'll be the ones in and out prison. They'll be the ones with a DUI. If you don't know what that is, it's a drive-in under the influence of alcohol arrest or revoked license. They'll be the ones that are busted for drug use or possession or whatever. Just stealing, even that stealing,

just reoccurring criminal behavior. They have a failure to plan ahead. So it's very much live in the moment, of course, because if you try and plan ahead and you can't do these reckless things and have a future plan. They lack remorse and empathy, which sadly I think a lot of the cluster B types have, just the lack of remorse and empathy. To be able to hurt someone else the way these cluster B types do, you have to have no empathy. These antisocial PDs also have recurring abusive relationships. And they have a very difficult time in hiding their bad behavior as well. So it is quite easy to spot, right? If someone is an addict or in and out of prison or just, you know, the way they behave is like they're on law unto their own. If you're around that for

a period of time, you would notice. It is very similar to narcissism, I'll give you that. but these are just way more more reckless they don't have as much grandiose or we'll get onto Nazanin but these are more just like yeah anti-social as it as the name says they just don't give a shit about society about community about other people they think they're above the law or don't give a fuck about the law anyway and if they can get away with it they will and if it serves their needs they'll do it end of you know it's very self-serving stealing and cheating and lying is easy to them because they've got no empathy fucking awful isn't it even me listing this off i'm like jesus christ imagine being in a relationship with someone with antisocial pd

fucking hell just awful it goes without saying if you note any of these types of traits in someone and you run, okay? You run a mile. Moving on to borderline personality disorder. People with borderline PD basically, bless them, have extreme, I say bless them, extreme difficulty maintaining relationships with any person. They have a deep, deep fear of abandonment, complete instability, and very large impulsive reactions to stresses it is more likely this will find you find this interesting it's more likely for women to be diagnosed with borderline pd than men borderline personality disorders cause instability in mood behavior and self-image very very unstable moods intense joy and then like intense rage when i say it is more likely for women to have

BPD, I don't mean that men don't have it. So don't go, oh, well, he's a bloke, so he can't be BPD. It may well be. I often wonder about my narcissist ex, whether he in fact does have a borderline PD, but I think the root cause is the narcissism. And then he tries to self-regulate with all the substances and that seems to create some borderline issues that come off, but I don't think it is. So someone with borderline PD will have actually very poor self-image and they display impulsive behaviors. A lack of stability in their relationships is actually the main characteristic of this condition. They basically just go from intense anger or to like extreme sadness. And it will be over things that like other people wouldn't consider as distressing

to get that reaction so then what they do is and that regulates their poor self-image right because of their extreme mood swings they also have this thing called splitting where they see people as either completely good or completely bad you know there's black and white there's no gray you're either like the devil or you're a saint to be idolized of all the cluster b's this one like gets my heart the most because I can't imagine having living with such a high and a low emotional day-to-day output and not being able to regulate that that must be actually quite distressing and frightening for them especially if you are undiagnosed borderline PD and also because people around them can't cope then they will leave or the people around them will be you

know, blamed or it's, you know, to have that instability in relationships. And I'm not talking just partners. I mean, friendships and colleagues and everyone around you and family must be quite isolating. So here's a list of traits for borderline PD for you to look out for. So it's intense fear of abandonment, right? It's a root. That's the root of it, which I must say narcissists also have. This is here where the overlap is. Intense fear of abandonment often lead into extreme behavior to prevent that abandonment okay they idolize someone then like the drop of a hat on a whim suddenly believe that person's like cruel or evil and there won't really be anything that would have happened to make that huge change and that's just how it is so i was thinking about

my ex-fiancee at this point where one minute i was the most perfect woman in the world and then the next he didn't even want to touch me or have sex with me and i did nothing wrong i nothing had changed at this point we're still getting married right so that sounds very borderline you'd think actually because he's gone from you know the black and white thinking you're like a sane and the best woman he's ever met to like don't even want to have sex with you don't want to hang out with you like not interested in conversing what happened well actually no that's a typical narcissist cycle of devaluation. They idolize, they devaluate, and they discard. But as you can see, that's very difficult to determine from the same splitting that a borderline PD has, where it's extreme

changes. So yeah, it's difficult. I understand. It's difficult even explaining this, let alone living it and trying to work out. Because the reason I'm discussing this is so that if you are going through any of this with someone, you can help try and at least characterize them in your mind which might help you then get out of the relationship or at least deal with them appropriately anyway borderline moving on extremely impulsive behavior like that's a flap very very impulsive in the moment like some absurd life decisions made giant mood swings that's the main one giant giant mood swings rage extreme happiness feeling godlike and feeling like the worst human on the planet feeling just so happy to like want to you know rage out violence punch someone

sometimes there is suicidal threats or self-injury particularly if in their relationship which we know that they have a lack of stability in their relationship is ending that will also tie in with their fear of abandonment like i if i threaten to kill myself or harm myself you'll stay so that's their extreme behavior and making sure you don't leave. I'm not saying that other people don't go down that route of threatening to self-harm at end of relationships. It's like a desperate move for someone who just can't bear the idea of the relationship ending. That's not specific to just borderline PDs. They also have sadly a constant feeling of emptiness and periods of extreme paranoia combined with inappropriate intense anger and fighting. And that intense anger and

fighting also leads ironically to the breakdown of their relationships and the stability of the relationships goes and they are quote unquote abandoned, which pervades their deep, deep fear of abandonment. And the cycle, as you can see, starts over and over again. I just can't imagine living with this, it must be extremely difficult. So I do feel sorry for the borderline personality disorders. I'm not saying that the others are cruel and these are not, absolutely not. I'm just saying when I list off how they must live, I just think that intense rage and intense joy and those mood swings must just be very, very difficult to live with. Third, we have histrionic personality disorder, something I'm assuming many of you haven't heard of. It's not commonly

discussed, certainly not in the way the words like sociopath or narcissist are thrown about these days. But histrionic is a key cluster B PD. And it involves extreme, extreme attention seeking behaviour, just excessive emotionality, erratic behaviours, superficial relationships, attention seeking behaviour that just is almost on the edge of absurd. A person with histrionic personality disorder will be lively, enthusiastic, charming, flirtatious. they may act in a way that's very inappropriate like you know their cultural context or within a work or career context they have to be center of attention always always center of attention and they will perform these attention-seeking behaviors in inappropriate situations i hate

to say it but once again women are much more likely to have histrionic personality disorder than men us women huh they are shallow they are flighty and this is my my my key issue with histrionic especially in the world of social media that we have now is actually everyone seems pretty attention-seeking online everyone seems like they need the validation they need the dopamine here of the likes of the follows. So it's very difficult, once again, to pin down as an actual personality disorder. Do you just love attention? Are you just very flirty? Do you just dress provocatively? Do you just come off as sexy? Or do you have histrionic PD, which is a whole different thing? How difficult is that really to actually pin down that diagnosis?

And that's the struggle, if I'm honest, with these types of personality disorders. This is almost in our modern world. We've incorporated it and almost normalized it. So list of traits with histrionic PD for you to look out for is as follows. They are uncomfortable unless they are the center of attention. dress provocatively demonstrate flirty and seductive behavior in inappropriate situations they act dramatically and without sincerity they make very rash decisions they may even fake a suicide attempt for attention like not saying that that's part and parcel of it like oh you

didn't try and commit suicide you don't have histrionic they may go to those extremes we're living in a world of extremes here, and that is an extreme. They're very, very concerned with their physical appearance, way more so than any like soul nurturing ideas or building themselves up as a better human. It's very surface level, very superficial, very outward. They're easily influenced by others and they have a low tolerance to frustration or criticism. So yes, this one is a tricky one because as I've said it's basically like someone who just wants all the attention all the time I think the key thing to point out here is it's inappropriate situations on repeat that you would think why are you behaving that way or like that's really disrespectful or like why are

you constantly flirting or cheating when you have a partner and why are you know like someone who's just desperately in need of attention regardless of anyone else around them no one else matters their attention their validation their praise saying how great that's all they need everything else really matters so it is an extreme end of you know what i'd say today is someone who is just vain or someone who does just love themselves it's different so it's best to not ever confuse those too. And fourth, but definitely not least, my favorite, narcissistic PD. So a person with a narcissistic personality disorder, basically they'll act like they are superior to others. They display intense patterns of grandiose behavior, have a deep need for admiration,

and show a huge lack of empathy. They are very ego-led. They have a severe sense of entitlement, complete grandiose, just honestly think they're superior to everyone else around them. And people like this never care about their partners, only about themselves. As a partner, you are an object to them. You are a commodity. You are a possession. You are not a human. you're not a human with needs or wants or feelings that they need to take into consideration ever you are there to satiate them to build them up to make them feel godlike and that's your role both men and women have MPD but it is always more likely to be men who are narcissists I could have told you that so we women gravitate more towards histrionic and borderline

um antisocial and narcissism is more towards the men why there's this gender um differentiation I haven't yet explored but it's definitely something I'd be really interested in is to find out why is it about the male psyche that makes them more antisocial narcissistic versus the female psyche. But yes, narcissists tend to be more men, can be both. All of these cluster Bs and cluster As and Cs as well can always be both genders. Narcissists think that they are way more attractive and way more intelligent than they actually are. I can completely attest to that with my ex-fiancee, who acted like he was Brad Pitt and a millionaire. And it turns out he's neither.

yeah absolutely like couldn't be further from neither lied about how wealthy he was lied about how many properties he had i mean guy was rich we all saw the rocky put on my finger but it wouldn't surprise me if that was bought for fucking credit card honestly which moves me on nicely to the next point is that they actually have a very fragile self-esteem and they're very vulnerable if slighted. So any minor criticism, you'll notice. There's one example. I took my fiance to my friend's house. We was all drinking. We'd met him for the first time. I had told my fiance that my friend was president of this extremely prestigious car brand. So I think my fiance felt a little bit put out because of the different levels of ego. And basically,

he acted out the whole night seemed to like decline bottles of champagne saying they weren't good enough for him and I'd never really understood why the fuck he was behaving like that but then anyway him and this dude they got into an arm wrestle my ex-fiancee lost because he's not as strong as he thinks he is and the rage in his face like looking like I just couldn't see at the time but looking back he was fucking fuming because he lost an arm wrestle like move on get over it everyone's drinking and having a laugh but it was like that embarrassment you know the show up like fuck i left hey anyway let's move on to a list of traits to look out for for narcissistic pd extreme negative reaction to criticism an elevated sense of self-importance oh god they

think that the world owes them something and we were supposed to worship at their feet and the reality is deep inside they're just they're not even worth any worship not even a sliver of your time they're constantly thinking about success wealth obsessed with like being rich and successful and aren't i great excessive need for admiration most of them cheat not all narcissist cheat most of them do they need narcissistic supply at all times they'll get bored with their partner very easily once they have you and so they need that new admiration and all that new lovely stuff from other women and other men my ex-fiance cheated on every single one of us every single one of us from the age of 19 to 30 every long-term girlfriend he had he was

unfaithful on every single one. Speaks volumes, huh? And I'm the only one he proposed to. Even that didn't stop him. So there you go. Even a fiance wasn't enough. They have a strong sense of entitlement, which ties into the cheating. I'm entitled to do what I want. I want to have sex with that hot girl. I'm entitled to that. No one can tell me otherwise. I'm entitled to do whatever what I want to do. And that sense of entitlement means that if you ever have a conversation or an argument with them, you never win. You never get hurt. They have no interest. Which moves me on to the next trait. They always think they're right. Always think they're right. And even if they know they're not right, they'll argue as if they are. So you catch them out

cheating and it's like, yeah, but you made me do it. Or yeah, but nothing actually happened. Or yeah but you're blowing it out proportion they have to be right they can't just say like i fucked up i'm the worst human in the world no they talk a lot about themselves oh my god i used to say to my ex-fiance and i didn't realize honestly i didn't realize i was picking up on it but i said do you know that you always over talk me and i was like and you do it with other people as well and he's like really i said yeah you never let me finish a sentence ever and half the time what you're trying to finish my sentence out is not what I'm saying at all that's not what I'm trying to say always and then he got all bit flustered about it and apparently went off and spoke to

his workmates and was like do I always like over talk you and they were like well yeah but that's just you I think I really like bothered him by pointing out a flaw in how perfect he thought he was but yeah always talk about themselves he used to glow I'm the big breadwinner in this company I make the most money in this company, I'm this, I'm that, and seemingly wouldn't care to let me voice an opinion or finish one of my own sentences. They're very exploitative. They're very manipulative, like antisocials are. Also have a disregard for laws and morals because laws and morals are below them because we're all mere humans who live by societal laws and they do not. so in morals as well morals like being faithful below them they could do what the fuck they want

they're entitled and they also exaggerate their talents and achievements which my ex did as well like told me about a billion properties i don't think any of them existed told me you aren't the most in the company absolutely did not told me this that and the other and like things turn out to be absolute bollocks the one before him the covert narcissist constantly called himself an entrepreneur he wasn't he was a PT he was a personal trainer and I'm not shitting on personal trainers and also you can be a personal trainer and be an entrepreneur he wasn't an entrepreneur he just wasn't but yeah they have inflated sense of self inflated ego and they just think they're fucking shit and if you at any point question them on it nah then you're off then they'll be

cruel. They'll switch or they'll go and cheat on you or dump you and discard you and move on because you once made them feel less about themselves than what they really are, which is godlike and above humans. So there you have it. They are your four key cluster B personality disorders. Would love you all to bookmark this episode, save it, re-listen to it and just keep bit in your back mind when you are meeting people and dating because they really are really are prevalent in society and I don't know what the fuck has happened but it feels like they're becoming more and more prevalent or maybe we're just more educated now there weren't these terms many generations ago when they were around someone was either just cruel you know or cheap but you

never understood the other side of it what I will say is being on the receiving end of one of these personality disorders is actually very traumatic and I do advise you if you have been to go through therapy and healing and you know voice maybe your concerns because of course we can't diagnose with a hundred percent conviction that our partners or ex-partners are any of these I know what I went through I know the level of lying and I know the last two narcissists but I can never prove it. They won't go to therapy. And if they go to therapy, they'll trick the therapist because they won't answer questions correctly. You know, it's difficult. So I have to go with my gut. I can't prove they are, but I know they are. And I know every trait of a narcissist they

both had, but a very different covert and overt. Yeah, I can't, I will never be able to prove it. so what I do instead is I heal from it knowing that they are in that's all I need to know I know what I live through in my experiences and I just hope everyone who has also gone through relationships with any of these have looked to healing and armed themselves with information such as this episode to help move on and heal from any of the wounds caused what you might be wondering before I sign off. Can these people get help and change? They can. They can. Very rare, but they can. But it has to come from them. My fiance would need to go and sit down and say, I have a deep narcissistic personality disorder. I have severe addictions. I need rehab and help. He will never do that

because he doesn't think he's a narcissist. He doesn't think he's a narcissist because he can't have anything wrong with him because he thinks he's so great. You see? You see the problem? So he would never admit to that he can't handle that because he's he's godlike so there's no way he has a personality disorder although to be fair he could also be borderline so fuck knows what's going on with them the alcohol and all the addictions mask really what's going on underneath so you'd have to be sober for like a year before you actually find out what pd has but yeah do they get help if they do willingly themselves if they hit rock bottom they do and they can and they can get the tools needed and or the medication needed to help them live a better, more fulfilling normal

life. Yeah, I want to make that clear. Like this isn't just like a list of people that are doomed. It'd be the same as getting help for depression or anxiety. You've got to face up that you have it first and be willing to change. On that note, that is the end of this episode. I'd love to hear your thoughts if this is helpful. It's a quite a different take on my normal episodes. It's a lot more informative, more serious, but I think it's actually extremely important. And it's been something I wanted to talk about for a very long time now. So thank you all for tuning in. And yeah, if you need any more further help with any of these discussed today, please do slide into my DMs on Instagram or TikTok at nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A.

Thanks for listening to the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, produced and hosted by me, Nixalina, and recorded in the Splice Cast Studios in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google, and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more content and features to read, you can check out my website, nixalina.com. That's nixalina.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.