Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - 'Cookie Jarring' – The Dating Trend that's NOT Sweet

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

What's the difference between just dating multiple people in the early stages (which is totally fine) vs cookie jarring? How can you work out if you're stuck in a cookie jar? What does it even meannnn? Allow me to enlighten you all...  ​​​​​​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com.   Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another Monday evening of me, you lucky people, you. Today's episode is something I have never, ever, ever covered before. Ever. Ever. Four years on, five seasons in Sex and Singapore City, one season in to Can't Keep My Mouth Shut.

And I've never, ever discussed this term. And yet, fuck me sideways, it's so important when you're dating to understand this. So here we go. This episode is called Cookie Jarring. The dating trend that's not sweet, not capital letters. So we know these terms, ghosting, submarining, breadcrumbing, and love bombing, but I don't think many of us understand cookie jarring. and I want to talk about it because I think it's so prevalent in modern society when we're all

dating especially with social media especially with dating apps and it's not fun if you are being cookie jarred okay so let's jump right into it what does cookie jarring mean as a term basically, you are backup. Yep, yep, yep, yep. You think you're dating someone. That person is dating someone else, seriously dating someone else, but is making you believe that they're seriously dating you and you're actually their backup. You are in a cookie jar. You are the cookie. And now and again, they will come in, dip their little hands in and take you out and make you feel sweet and special. And then, you know, just go right back in the jar, right? You are not their priority, but they still like dating you. They still want your attention. They still want

your, I don't know, your resources, your sex, whatever it is that they get from you. That means they're keeping you there on the shelf. You are in that jar and you are on the shelf and they don't leave you on the shelf. You're not forgotten. You're very much involved. But they just already know that there's no long-term relationship here with you and or they're not sure whether the long-term relationship is going to blossom with priority number one, therefore you're being kept around just in case. It often happens to you if you're dating someone who's quite insecure or someone who desperately craves attention at all costs. Or it could be that they do like you, not enough to make you priority, but should their first option go AWOL or end badly or whatever,

then they can pick stuff up with you. Hmm. Interesting, right? How do we feel about that? Because I think it's fucking awful. That's what I think. Okay, before I delve into ways on how to figure out if you are being cookie jarred, I'm going to talk about my dating experience because that's what I do best. Um, my whole life, I have always dated one person at a time. Always. To my own detriment, okay? And as we go along with this episode, you'll understand why cookie jarring and dating multiple people or dating one person, there is very difficult things that arise and complex interwebs on either side. So I only date one person at a time. I am not saying this is a good

thing because what I do is I meet someone and by the end of date one, I know whether I want to pursue them or not. My time is so limited. I am so fucking busy. I have a full-time job as a marketing director. I have a website that I barely find time to update. I have a podcast that goes out every week. I have brand sponsorships I have to complete. I have a book that's half written. I have netball that consumes two days of my week, hours and hours on end. Love your netball. I'm not bitching, okay? Love my Wanderers team. But fuck me sideways, I am busy. I don't need to date someone for attention, right? I can get myself off with a vibrator. I'm all good. Like, I don't need it. But by the end of date one, I'll know whether that

guy is someone that I think I have a connection with. I'd like to think we all can do that, right? So if I come away from a date and I thought, yeah, he was all right. Annoyed me here. Pissed me off there. Do I fancy him? Not sure. I just wouldn't see him again. Am I old school or something? I just wouldn't. No. No. Not interested. So if I date you, that's because I've chosen you, right? And if I've chosen to give my time to you, that's because for me, you're someone that I want to explore stuff with, okay? And of course, I always get, And I'm not bigging myself up. I'm sure many of us do, but I always get date offers. I am inundated on the apps, on social media. Guys slide into my emails if they haven't slid into my DMs.

Sometimes they slide into my DMs and get ignored and then there's an email. But I'm inundated with people wanting to date me, right? I got a call a spade a spade. and the reason I'm making that very clear is because it affects this cookie jarring concept in dating I could easily date a handful of guys at once and I could I mean they're they're nice guys they're attractive men their career like success they're funny but I've if I've already found someone that I feel like I want to continue that connection with that's my that's my person for now, right? Because I can't give someone the airtime in my life and give someone else the airtime. Firstly, I don't have the airtime left. I don't have the space. Secondly, I will

compare. So if you come around my house and I like have a really good time and then the next day, I don't know, I went on a date with someone else, I'm comparing. I'm comparing you to the guy from last night. Also, I can't sleep with multiple people at the same time. It makes me feel ick. I hate it. I can't have sex on a fucking Saturday and then the Sunday go and have sex. I can't do that. That's like, no. I think I have a little bit more self-respect for my body. I'm not judging the people that can do that, okay? It's always a judgment-free zone. But for me, sex means something and I only fuck people if I want to like connect to them yes I have one night stands you know drunk nicks is a whole other thing yes I have one night stands I hooked up I

mean yeah in my singleness last year I was having threesomes I'm applauding myself yay threesomes Yeah, that's a whole other episode in coming. But, you know, it's not like I live a dry life. But when it comes to dating, and that is what we're talking about, we're not talking about hookups. When it comes to dating someone, I invest in that person until proven otherwise. I don't think it's fair to have a guy in my life that I like and then have another guy in my life that I like and have another guy pop up who I might start dating that I might like. Because then what like who do I choose and also why because how do you get you'll be comparing how do you really get to know someone on that really incredible connection level if you know your

phone's fucking buzzing because you've got someone else texting you or you're thinking fuck I've already said I'll go do dinner with that person like your mind's all over the place right this is how I feel, okay? This is how I date. Now, the problem with this is that I usually end up being the one that's upset because I am, I guess, loyal from the get-go, aren't I? I guess that's what it is. I'm loyal from the get-go. I like you. We've gone on a couple of dates. I'm involved. I'm not saying marry me in the next week like ever I learned my lesson with the fiance right that's it's gonna be years oh like I am not putting the ring on my finger again for a very long time until I know 110% that's my person but I'm involved so I'm with you and I'm getting to know you and if

there's behavior that crops up where I feel disrespected or I feel like we're not on the same page. Then I address it and I move on. And then I will set the other date offers. Then I'll go back and be like, hey, ready now. Like, when do you want to hang out? You know, but I do it like one person at a time. And I always date in the hopes that that person becomes something wonderful. That's how I date. I'm with you. Fucking great. I'm with you because I've chosen you. So that's a thing in itself because I've picked you from the sea of people and I think there's something there. I'm not an idiot. I only think there's something there if it feels like there's something there. And then I date someone else if that fails. But it does end up getting me

in very vulnerable waters because lots of people, especially men, are prone to dating multiple people at once and if you date multiple people at once you're less invested in one person you're more spread out and therefore you're less likely to get hurt because if one doesn't work out well fuck it I don't give a shit I've got two others so I'm not sure now whether my dating technique is the best way to keep me from being hurt but I also I just can't do it so it's been a lifelong fucking conversation with my best friend she's like you need multiple options but I'm like but we know that's not me I just the thought of I don't know say I was dating a couple of people for two months I'm having sex with them and then one of us goes yeah let's be exclusive the thought

of having had sex with the other one like a week before ew ew ew ew no and also I don't let people into my house. Contrary to popular belief, I'm very private in that I'm very choosy with who I date, very specific. And if I want you over, then that means something. But I think in this day and age, to everyone else, it doesn't. And I just have this traditional old school values of dating. I don't get it. But I do see the value in dating multiple people. And this is why I've told this part of the story, because now we're moving on to this. So dating multiple people means you can have that breath of air between each one. It also means you don't put all your eggs in one basket it also means there is less intensity and pressure on that one person because fuck it if

this goes away well then there's the other ones right so with that less intensity with that less pressure you'll probably have a much more chilled dating experience I don't know man like even I don't know maybe I'm not dating right maybe I should be having three dicks at once I mean not once like not a gangbang I haven't done that by the way I know I did my threesomes last year but I've never had a gangbang I don't know maybe I'm dating wrong maybe I should just do gang bangs um but yeah maybe I maybe if I dated multiple guys I just can't do it because I do naturally compare and I think that's human instinct to do that as well I also won't want to hurt someone I won't want someone

to think I'm invested in him and that secretly I'm going on fucking dinner dates with another guy I just don't I don't think that's fair so I do see multiple dating um at the beginning as potentially a positive even though I don't do it I can understand why it works but then we're now moving into the murky waters of cookie jarring because cookie jarring is essentially dating multiple people at once. So what's the difference, right? And if people are very open to dating multiple people at the beginning, then also fair. Like, if I say to a guy, listen, I'm cool with, like, I'm sure you're dating other people, crack on. I mean that. Like, just because I choose not to, but I'd rather, honesty, I'd rather the guy said, well, yeah,

you know, I'm seeing how it goes or I'm going to date. And I'd be like, yeah, cool. And then I get to choose whether I stay involved or not. Because if I then choose to continue seeing him, that's on me. I know he's dating other people. It also gives me the space to see whether I do want to date other people, which probably won't. But at least I have the option. You know, I have that level playing field. So I don't think necessarily it's bad. Or if you find out the person you're dating is dating other people, I don't think that's bad. And I don't think that reflects badly on them. It's the honesty and the transparency that is the issue. And that is the cookie jarring crux. So basically, they make you feel that you are the one and only that

they're dating and you are not you are not the priority you are the backup but they will never let you know that you see the difference so it's not about the multiple people judging someone for dating multiple people it's about the lack of honesty and transparency and consistency with you to make you feel like you are someone special to them or that you are a priority and then behave in a way where you are absolutely not the priority, you're not even on their radar, that's bullshit. And that's cookie jarring. And with cookie jarring, also, it's repeated. So it's not like they dated you for a bit, and they've gone, I found someone better. Bye. Then that's okay as well. We don't all have to fucking end up with people we're dating.

We date around, we find out who we vibe with, who we connect with, who gets our personalities and and if we're dating people for a bit we get to know them for a bit and then we're like oh nah not for me that's okay that is not cookie jarring cookie jarring is when they come back come back then go away and come back and keep you there and go away and come back and you are constantly in this state of not knowing really what's going on so how do we figure out whether it's just early stages of dating and dating multiple people which isn't a problem or it's being cookie jarred how okay there's a few pointers inconsistency in behavior is number one so are they full on then they fill off are they full on and then they fill

love? Do they think you're the best thing in the entire world one day and the next day gone? Is there a constant change in how they are towards you? That inconsistency is key because when you are someone's priority, there is no inconsistency whatsoever. And I'm sorry to say it, but if they are hot and cold, you are back up. Number two is, are they sketchy with making plans? Like, oh I don't know I'll see oh okay let me work out my schedule then or oh I'll get back to you on that and then they never do I mean that says it all doesn't it chances are what they're doing is waiting for someone else's schedule to see whether they see them and if not and they've got no plans oh then there you are in the cookie jar ready to be taken out giving them attention

affection whatever it is that fulfills their needs that they know that you can give them but you are not their priority making plans you're the one that fills in the gaps and that's why they sketch you with making plans with you because it's dependent on a third person point three um they're very full-on in your presence and then they're full off when they're not so when they're in front of you it's like oh this is incredible like you connect you laugh you talk like you really vibe each other you fancy each other and you leave that day to be like oh my god wow that was epic just incredible and then nothing then we have a little mini ghosting situation. So then you're like, what? Because the person on that meeting, that tryst, doesn't match

up to the person now. So you're like, what? What's going on? I don't understand. So they're full on when they're with you because when they are with you, they are all invested in you. I'm not saying they're not. They are communicative and chatty and they want to touch you and they want to sleep with you and they want to spend time with you and they're enjoying it but then it's an easy off switch because then as soon as they're gone they've got what they need and their attention is probably now elsewhere waiting for the other person so that they can do that with the other person. Point four is refusing to define anything or make it concrete. I mean this is a given if they if you know you're a few months in and they're still like I'm not sure I like it as it is or

whatever then yeah come on come on now if they're refusing to make it anything concrete with you that's a big red flag but also do you want to be in that limbo with someone for that long I'm very open to people keeping it open until they're very sure like we have to take time to get to know someone and we have to invest time in getting to know someone and seeing their quirks and seeing them in different situations and you know having fun with someone so it takes time you can't be like oh my god I've been on a date with you so we're together you know you can't do that but also you can't go months and months and months and just be like oh I don't really know what's going on oh it's not cool even if you're not cookie jarring that's still not cool

point five is minimizing your experience of what has gone on so maybe you address it and like look I just don't understand like this is how I feel and what on earth was that about and then they're just like oh you know I don't know what the problem is like there is no problem like what's wrong with you like everything's fine my end and they don't really validate how you feel or just yeah sweep under the carpet how you felt and it was negative feelings being on the receiving end of their behavior point five only hanging out last minute major red flag if they're like hey what you up to on like a random Wednesday or I don't know Sunday night and you haven't heard from them and then suddenly they're like do you want to go and grab a beer should we go out for

light bite to eat do you want to go to the cinema and it's like within hours yeah you're back up baby, you are back up. Because usually if you're a priority, people put you in the fucking diary. They're like, I want to see her again. I want to see you this day. I want to see you this day. And like, I don't want anyone else to see you. So I'm locking that shit in. No, if you're back up last minute date plans or worse, 11 o'clock or 12 o'clock calls at night for a little booty call, then no honey you are not the priority and chances are you are being cookie jarred it's a long episode isn't it today because I'm trying to work out how we differentiate between the normal multiple dating at the beginning which I do advocate like I said it's not my dating style

but I do think it works and I think it's very normal and healthy versus being cookie jarred because there's such a fine line. And I think the fine line is, if I try and sum it up, when you're being cookie jarred, you are made to feel like you are the only one they're into and with, and you're not. So you're made to feel like there's something there when the other person knows there isn't for them, because they already know that you're not their priority. They already know that they don't want anything long term with you. because if they wanted something long term with you, you are then the priority. You are number one. But if you're not, they already know this isn't going anywhere and that you could be strung

on for months and months. I've heard of being cookie jarring stories for fucking years. And this is wasting years of someone's life because they think there's something there. And every time they try and leave, the cookie jarer brings them right back in because they don't want to lose that, you know? So I think that's how I would sum this up. And dating, so hard. It just shouldn't be this hard, guys and girls. I don't understand. I'm so old school. I'm like, I like you. I'm not going to date anyone else. If this goes to the shits, fine. Then I go and date other people. Don't worry. There's a fucking queue of them. But for now, you're my chosen person. I really hope this works out because there's something here. If there wasn't something here,

you're not my chosen person. But sadly, things don't work out and that's okay too. I just live life in such a transparent honesty area that I can't grasp anyone else who doesn't but I'm also aware that I become off as very available and that seemingly doesn't vibe with people like if you are available and you're open and you're just there present it can scare a lot of people especially people that aren't used to stability and consistency people that aren't used to such openness and vulnerability from the get go. But I've got nothing to hide. And I just assume other people have nothing to hide. But the more I find out about these dating terms, and the more I find out about how people behave, I'm just like, why? Why? But anyway, I really hope

this has helped people that feel like they've been cookie jarred. And if you have, or you feel like you might be in this situation, please leave. Everyone deserves to be someone's priority. Everyone deserves to be the one for now. I'm not putting pressure on it, but you deserve that at least, you know, the basic respects of consistent behaviors, of consistently caring, of being present for you. And if you're not getting that, even if it's not cookie jarring, say there is no one else. There factually is no one else because half the time you might think there might be and you actually have no idea. But if they're keeping you at arm's length or they're disappearing or they're inconsistent with the things they say and do or they're hot and cold or whatever it is,

that is enough for you to go, no, thank you. Not for me. And leave. and that is the end of this episode as always i'm here for you if you need me slide into my dms at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a you'll find me on instagram and tiktok and this podcast will be across all podcast platforms as well and i post every monday evening thank you very much and i'll see you next week Thanks for listening to the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast. Produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina. I'm recorded in the Splice Cast Studios in Singapore.

I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. for more content and features to read you can check out my website nixalina.com that's nixalina.com i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a to find me don't be shy come say hi