Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Deep Dive into the Tinder Swindler & Inventing Anna: Narcissism 101

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

Have you seen the Tinder Swindler documentary yet? What about the Inventing Anna series, based on fake German heiress Anna Delvey, real name Anna Sorokin? If you have, you'll know that these two human beings have SO many things in common - mainly, they're portraying NARCISSISIM 101. "Narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them." Let's deep dive, shall we?  

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi guys, it's Nick Salina. Welcome back to another episode of my podcast. I hope you're all well. I hope you're looking forward to an awesome week. I hope you're hungover from an awesome weekend. I really, really wanted to do this episode. It's all we've all been talking about.

And I wanted to correlate these two awesome Netflix shows into one very relevant episode. So we have that steep dive into the Tinder swindler and inventing Anna, Narcissism 101. Guys and girls, you've got to watch the Tinder swindler if you haven't and inventing Anna. I think her real name, well, it's not her real name. Anna Delvey is her fake name. So if you haven't watched them both, I would suggest you watch them before you carry on listening or listen to me first and then watch them after and you'll be like, yeah, Nick's was bang on the money.

So the Tinder swindler is this dude who basically pretends to be loaded, like the son of a diamond owner or something. And he basically starts dating women or grooming women with like a private jet trip with flying them, you know, cross country and fancy, you know, hotels and all that jazz. So he kind of goes in with money from the get go and then starts begging them for financial help, saying his enemies are after me. My enemies are after me. And these women pay and they don't pay a small sum either. They pay life savings. So one of them, she believed to be his girlfriend.

She believed she was. I mean, clearly she wasn't. she was paying like thousands. She got out like nine credit cards or something, like countless, maxed out loans, credit cards, all in her name, to try and pay him. Then there was another lady who was seemingly a platonic connection, also paid him loads of money because he, you know, had enemies. I got enemies. Oh, yeah, sure here's 30 000 but you know we laughed but it worked um and then basically he ends up being found out right he is not got from any money he's from fuck all everything's been a lie he's been

swindling people out of money and um he's also been dating around and like you know saying to one girl like let's move in together she's off to like an apartment bless her and then giving him more money and then he's going to find another woman it's disgusting that is the very very short summary of tinder swindler inventing anna is a female protagonist anna delvey she pretends to be a german heiress and basically manages to like case the fucking new york scene by becoming the person she was pretending to be. And she swindled a lot of people out of a lot of money. She kind of made up the background role. And sometimes she was Russian, sometimes she was German. She twisted a story here and there to suit the narrative of the person she was with.

And she would just not pay certain bills that she couldn't pay or credit cards would be denied. And and other people around her would pick up the check but she always you know had a lot of money at the beginning or had a lot of really rich stuff um you know all these expensive clothes bags a style people just assumed she was a german heiress and she was tipping a hotel staff like a hundred dollar bills every time um so yeah very very similar style of living and then same for her the truth eventually came out of course because the truth will always out and she's exposed for who she is differences with anna she ends up in jail but the tinder swindler he i don't think he does which is bullshit isn't it really but the two documentaries are absolutely fantastic and

the reason why i want to talk about them is is the evident narcissistic one-on-one playbook that both of these people exposed to us um so what you the conversation basically i hear a lot about this these programs is how like how why would you pay this person all that money how do you not know why are you still friends with anna why is that why is she picking up the bill and it's like I would never fall for that. Oh, God, I would never fall for that. I would never have sent him money. And I just saw like a little bit of education here on the victims of these protagonists is that like, yes, wiring all that money to this guy seems crazy in hindsight. But he's a classic narcissist and this is how they operate. The love bombing at the beginning,

both of them love bomb in a different manner tinder swinder does it very very over the top so he says he flies an hour i'll fly an hour to where you are to have coffee with you right i'll fly an hour and these women are being then sold this grandiose ideal of the fairy tale that narcissistics want us to fall for i am so worthy to this wealthy billionaire that he's flying an hour to just have coffee with me you know that you're like wrapped up in it he plays it really well and it's it's sad that it's not recognized as love bombing but that's exactly what it is um and now i want to make a point as well that you know there are obviously some wealthy people on the planet that actually do and can just do that because they have the disposable

income and stuff but it's it's it's not normal to fly an hour to have coffee right you have to step outside the box for a bit and be like this person doesn't even know this chick you know why would you do that why would you that that surely you'd build up a relationship first and the same with Anna Delvey she will go into the expensive dinners and pick up the bill the whole time pays for her friends to have beautiful blow dries you know the most expensive champagne she's love bombing everyone around her um and people fall for it why because they both present a false self right this false self is your classic narcissistic mask they behave as if they deserve all of this from other people. They are number one. They are everything. And they deserve

all these other people to be giving them all this money, to be helping them out with their hotel bills, to be fetching their dry cleaning, to be serving them first. That delusion of their own self-importance in their head, that's just knock from start to finish. And these two are playing the characters that they wish they were. This is their full self. They're so empty and hollow and there's no true identity that all they have is this cover up and they'll start to believe their own bullshit, their own fake self, right? So what they're doing is they're acting as this person and they do a fucking good job of it because they come in with these massive like why would you question that he's not if he's got a private jet are you how of course if

he's flying you on a private jet is one of your first couple of dates well how has he got private jet you know you would just assume that he's good for it he's good for cash right so then it switches into the grifter right which is where like it's small swindling so you know oh god i like my credit card's been cancelled. I can't pick up this check. You know, I'm good for it. Could you just wire this to me? My banks will sort it out. I'll send you back the money. Anna does exactly the same. It starts with the miniature ones. And these people are like, well, yeah, of course, sure. Like, you know, she'll definitely pay me back. And a few times, both of them do send cash over. And so then that also distorts the narrative because it's like, oh, well, they did. They

paid her back or they paid him back or you know so then when the larger lump sums of money start being asked and begged to be sent then it's like well they paid the small one back so yeah of course they will you know pay me back and then you send life savings I can't fathom sending anyone like my life savings or taking out a loan. My ex, who we all know was knocked through and through, got very angry that I wouldn't take his £8,000 debt. That's like $16,000. And thank God, thank God, I am so backboned with who I am and myself that I said no. But he asked me more than once. And his way around it was, if I open my credit card, I have interest free, he pays a lot of interest because he's racked up so much debt. And if he then transfers that 8000 into my name

into my credit card, then he's able to pay it off much quicker, because he doesn't have to pay his interest. And then that means he can, you know, he has more spare money to spend on us. And he actually wove a story where it made sense for me to have done that no I fucking am not falling for that and I was like even though I'd been with him like two or three years at this point and I just you know I thought it was epic um because I fell for the fake self I still said no I drew my line with money because I was already paying for his life and I could see how much I was paying for the bills the rent going out holidays I picked up all the bills so I was thinking there ain't no way there's any spare cash for you to suddenly be able to spend on us because whenever he did get

a piece of money or decent payout at work on a salary it just went on him so yeah I see how they do it and I want to say that watching the documentaries is like it was very triggering for me but to say oh my god why did these girls send him this money why did these people pick up the checks for Anna because when you are around these narcissists like fuck they're so manipulative and so clever in the way they present themselves and they actually believe their own lies and their own bullshit so then you almost believe it because they're so forthcoming with it and it's perfect with the event in Anna when she's at the very end and she knows she's blatantly being caught out She's still focused only on herself, only on her own dialogue about, you know, how she's presented and being famous and, you know, wanting to start the Anna Delvey Foundation and all this bollock.

She just didn't really even care about the victims or anything or all the upset she's caused people's lives. It was how she was portrayed. And she wanted the fashion show in the courtroom. And she went like, it's just her, her, her, her, her. And with the Tinder swindler, he's same, same. He's saying how, you know, he's been portrayed badly. and truth will out he's already got a model girlfriend uh yeah it's it's a lot isn't it so with these types of people they also have they have enablers around them like he had his bodyguard

she had chase a boyfriend who helped cement the story of who they they are telling you they are these people gaslight i he he was getting really angry with these chicks for not sending him the money and it's like it's your fault for not supplying me with the money or helping me um and then like almost yeah got angry with them for for abandoning him and he he more than anna but he managed to play the victim a lot as if he needed rescuing and that taps into people's you know nurturing side and and the you know people that need to help others so I mean the whole act was fucking fantastic and the sad thing is is these people are out there and we're probably bumping into them and interacting with them every damn day and we just have no idea and what they

both show you that happens in narcissistic relationships and friendships is that this the presentation of this aspirational self at the beginning it's gonna unravel it doesn't it cannot stay long it's not it's not possible to keep that up truth will always out their mask is too much to maintain the lies start tripping over each other and then when that happens and their story is unraveled and people start to see the real them what do they do they just move on disappear find a new victim that's it there's no apology there's no like there's no there's nothing there they don't feel anything they don't care it's more they're more angry that the mask has been slipped and been pulled away from them they're angry that their little charade came to

an end and they'll blame you for it. I mean, I was in a relationship for four years with this type of character and I just, yeah, I've been through it all. And there's no reasoning with them. There's no reason. It's called a disorder for a reason. So what do we take away from these two shows? Well, basically, Inventing Anna, the real one, she's actually, since the Netflix show come out i think she was on about a hundred or so thousand followers on insta she climbed up to 600 000 like within a few weeks and let me just check what she's currently on um because basically she has become famous right she has become famous for being a psychopath for being a liar for stealing money. She's become the famous person she was pretending to be by being called out for

being a psychopath. It makes no sense. And so she's now on 827,000 followers. She's nearly at a million, million followers. So what does that tell you? That tells you that this world that we currently live in is a breeding ground for these narcissistic personalities the world we currently have enables them we are enabling them we have given her exactly what she wanted which was this puffed up fame tinder swindler apparently trying to go to hollywood and get a movie made out of him and you know the truth will out and stuff it's almost like they've been glorified glorified by these shows and rather than people being like in shock about how disgusting they behaved people seem almost revered and in awe and uh you know like semi-respect them

I guess for doing what they've done to other people and what I've also discovered um since I've been looking at the documentaries and the online conversations about it is that there's a lot of victim blaming a lot of victim blaming the girls from the tinder swindler people are like oh my god how could you have fallen for it like what's your problem you know like yeah it's their fault your fault you're so stupid you're the stupid one to send the money um like like no sympathy um And and even like with the Anna Delvey narrative, she she screwed over a girlfriend who's seemingly just a very sweet woman and didn't have the money and had no choice but to stump up the money. And then she managed to make a good payout with a story about her connection to Anna. And then people didn't like her anymore either because she actually got her money back and more.

But it's like, I don't know, it's weird. It's like people were starting to sympathize with the narcissist or, yeah, be in awe of them. I don't know. It's fucking odd, man. But rest assured, that is exactly what these two people have in common. They are hallmark narcissists. and i would love it if we were living in a society that doesn't give them a fucking platform to build their ego any more than it already fucking is and i guarantee without fail there

will be more victims to both of these humans without foul because narcissists always find a new victim and they always play out the same fucking story over and over again um yeah and then the past victims are you know accused of being dumb or liars or whatever it is that they tell the story and then it just carries on in a vicious circle and lots of people are very badly hurt financially emotionally and sometimes physically so yes please enjoy watching the shows they're fucking fantastic but do not by any stretch of the imagination make heroes out of these narcissistic assholes that is the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the

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