Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Don't Let Loneliness Choose Your Partner

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Allow me to explain, from my personal experience, how this is the worst thing you can possibly do - and yet we all do it, often subconsciously, A LOT. ​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com. Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's me, Nick Salina. wasn't that beautiful wasn't that a songbird um welcome back to can't keep my mouth shut always lovely to have you join me on a monday evening this is a very very important episode my friends my listeners my lovers very important indeed it is called don't let loneliness choose your partner. Let's just all breathe together and thinking that. Don't let loneliness choose

your partner. I can't remember where I first heard this saying. I was listening to YouTubes and doing things around the house and I heard it in one of the videos I was listening to as a passing comment and I thought, fuck me. That's genius. That's a golden nugget of wisdom of which I think a lot of us fall foul to. I know for a fact at least three times I've ended up in relationships that were so bad for me because it was better than being lonely. I didn't realize how much I was like yearning to have a partner until I realized I put up with the lowest of the low scumbags because I was lonely. I let loneliness choose my partner and that's why I'm here talking to you about it today because it's the worst thing you can do. It's also why I'm such a huge advocate

for healing alone first. Because often, say you've been single for a while or you've just gone through a messy breakup or you're newly single, like days or weeks or single for a few months, whatever the timeline is, if you come from a space of loneliness, that means you can't be alone. Because being alone is not the same as being lonely. And I've definitely talked about that before. It's another pivotal part of the dating game. You're not alone and lonely if you're just alone and happy and at peace. So if you are lonely, it's coming from a place of lack. I can't fulfill myself in my own body, my own mind, in my own world. Yes, we all crave human intimacy. We all crave love. We are designed as a being to be that way. In fact, aren't we like,

what's the word? We're creatures of, we're a community creature, right? Is that right? You know what I mean? We have to have people around us. We have to have our tribe. We have to have a collective, friends, family. We're not solo people. Humans need each other. And of course, for the procreation part of being a human being you kind of need to find your match to make babies so we all continue blah blah blah so yes being alone could make you feel lonely because you don't have that and you are biologically designed to want that but you can't get into that space where your loneliness means that you will go with anyone or anything that shows you affection. Allow me to make this very fucking clear. I would never in a million years have gone with my

fiance if I hadn't been so deeply damaged from the previous one and I was only single for six months. Six months single after five years. It wasn't enough time. And because I craved and missed the relationship I had for five years, I missed being with someone, I missed having someone there, I couldn't handle being alone. As soon as the predator comes bowling in, sweeps me off my feet, I'm all in. I let loneliness choose the person I was going to marry and it was the biggest mistake of my fucking life. Which is why I've maintained singledom for a fair long time and I'm so happy about it. Does it get horrible and lonely and dark and miserable? Yes, it does. Is it really difficult at times? Do you crave someone there? Do you miss the sex, the physical,

the comfort, the cuddles? Do you miss someone just to converse with? Is it really silent, horribly silent? Do you feel lost, no idea what to do with yourself sometimes? Yes, yes to all of the above. But it also gives you time to learn who you are. It gives you time to understand who you are. It gives you space to heal from any wounds that are the reason why you are perhaps in patterns of unhealthy relationships or maybe it just gives you the space you need to work out who you really want to be with long term because sure as eggs are eggs nobody wants back-to-back shitty horrible relationships that don't last we don't go oh do you know what I want a year's worth of heartache yep yep yep yep and then after that 10 years of shit and then after

No one wants that. We all want that long-lasting, healthy, happy, reliable, gorgeous, respectful, loyal love. I promise you, you are less likely to find that if you allow your loneliness to help you pick your partner. You are coming from a space of lack and desperation and you want to fill that void more than you want to fill the void with someone worthwhile. Does that make sense? It's now just about having someone there because having someone, anyone, is better than being on your own. In which case, sadly, nine times out of ten, that someone that comes along to fill that space, they're usually not a good person. They can usually sense your vulnerability a mile away and that's why they swoop on in and fuck you up some more. Sorry for

the language but not sorry. Also, do you really want to look back and go, you know what, if I'd held out I would have swerved all of this if I had held out I might have found someone that was the best match for me ever if I had held out I'd have had some really good years on my own doing stuff I love learning to love who I am but instead I was lonely and I felt a relationship was needed to validate my existence so I picked the next available person that showed a remote bit of interest and here I am fucking regretting it. Because that will be your future and that will be your option. What you need to do to avoid this at all costs and make sure it is not loneliness that is choosing your partner, but instead you coming from a very healthy space

of being happy alone, is you need to do the work and you need to be happy alone. shit isn't it you're like what that's the answer yeah it is the answer you got to be alone and you got to be okay with being alone as someone who has been forced to learn to be okay alone and trust me it was not my first choice I am so thankful for being given that opportunity it's the beautiful rainbow that comes out of the shit storm and now I am in a space where I will only allow people into my life and it's not just relationships it's friendships as well and colleagues and things that will that give me um that give me healthy happy relations that gives me a good positive vibe that lifts me up. I don't have space or time for wankers across

the board. And I pray, let me touch wood. I wish there was wood in this studio because I always say that. Touch wood. I am able at this phase in my life and with all the work I've done to pick the most incredible partner that I end up with till I hit the grave. That would be my preference. Meet someone, bowls me over, soulmate, love, happiness, babies, marriage, lifelong happiness, together, grave, done. I certainly don't want another dick and another dick and another dick and another dick. And often we do that because we're coming from our trauma and our wounds when we're dating and we're coming from desperation, we're coming from a lack and we're coming from loneliness I hope this has helped I hope this has resonated with you well

actually I don't I hope you listen to this and go yeah you're totally right thank god I don't do that I'm really proud of myself for not doing that because of course being lonely it is hard and it's also very natural so don't kick yourself if you do feel really fucking lonely I've had some of the loneliest moments of my life in the last 18 months really dark lonely days and you just got a grip through it. It ain't fun. It's just not fun. And it's very normal. So if you are in that phase, I'm not calling you out for being lonely. I've been there myself. But what I don't want you to do is in those moments, either reach back out to an ex or get back with someone in your past or try and find a potential partner immediately. Because that's where the long term

damage is going to start all over again. Thanks very much for listening to this episode. I hope you all are doing really good. And I hope that you go, yeah, cheers, Nix. It's another great one. And I will see you all next week. If you have any podcast episode ideas, throw them at me. Tie them to rocks. No, I'm only kidding. Slide into my DMs instead. at nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A, on Instagram or TikTok. And for now, peace out. Thanks for listening to the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, produced and hosted by me, Nixalina,

and recorded in the Splice Cast Studios in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google, and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more content and features to read you can check out my website nixalina.com that's nixalina.com i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-m-a to find me Don't be shy. Come say hi.