Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Friends With Benefits: Does It Ever Work?

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

It is a blurrryyyyyyyy minefield out there when you have a FWB.  Is it ever a good idea?  Is there ever a good ending? Let's discuss shall we...

this podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships sex and love it may not be suitable for younger listeners this is the sex in singapore city podcast and i am nixalina hi it's nixalina in fact i'm starting to introduce myself every monday with the new like hey it's Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina. That was for my cats, because I'm sure only cats and dogs could hear that. How are we all doing? How is your Monday? I hope it's not been a long, boring day. I hope work's been okay for you. And of course, you've got home and you're chilling and you're, hey, it's Nick Salina's new episode. Yes, it fucking is.

And I love this topic. Today, we're talking about friends with benefits. Does it ever work? Oh, interesting. Okay, for those of you who don't know, friends with benefits means we're not together, but you like me and I like you, and we're going to have sex a lot. But we're just friends. We're cool with that, you know? It's my homie. Like, we're just friends. We hang, but we also have sex. We like having sex, but we're not together. It also means we can date other people, but we're still super cool. We're friends. We're benefits. YOLO. Happy days. Best of both worlds. Hmm. That's the gist. So many issues with friends with benefits label. And I think we need to tease this apart together. So, my first, I'm not going to say issue, my first

problem that arises with a friends with benefits relationship label, because it is a label, even though what you're doing is avoiding putting a label on it, it's still a label, is that it means you can both date around and fuck other people. Absolutely fine if you both are happy with that but I often find that the idea of something is a lot easier than going through with it so I'm sure like if I had a friends with benefits guy and he was like oh yeah I've fucked this really awesome girl last night there would be a jealousy spark in me I'm sure there would I'd be like yeah um no you're fucking not doing that anymore you've got to delve like you When you have these very honest conversations with your friends with benefits, you have to be really crystal clear that that is both exactly what you want.

If one of you is saying, yeah, I want friends with benefits because you want to have sex with them, but secretly you want more, then yeah, not going to work. You might even have the talk where you're both exclusively only having sex with each other and be like, how much sex can one person have? you know like how many times i'm gonna have to shave my legs you know i'll get wax like it's just sounds exhausting isn't it but yeah so say you're like right you're my friends with benefits let's not fuck anyone else cool let's not do that but we can date other people oh yeah sure yeah sure right i feel like i would still i would still feel perhaps even more so that they're like mine because i know that they're being sexually exclusive to me so that then when they were on dates with other women I would still probably be like oh how was it or you know is

she pretty do you love her please don't marry her well this is a very dramatic episode I've had way too much coffee today way too much so yeah for me the blurred lines is a very blurry space to live if I know what I'm like I would probably say yeah friends with benefits is fantastic and then I be like, yep, I'm in love with you, dude. Can you stop fucking around? And then they'll be like, we're just friends with benefits. The reason we're just friends with benefits is because I don't see you as a partner. So no. And then I'll be all sad and heartbroken. FYI, not happened to me. I've never been friends with benefits ever. So this is just how I am depicting in my head an imaginary scenario of how i would act another problem with friends with benefits is thus you

could start off both believing it's okay being friends with benefits but and as you go on and you get more and more friendly with each other and you have more and more sex you might then develop feelings so you could go in wholeheartedly like yeah you're my bro like i fucking love your dick I think you're great don't want a relationship but let's do us but then you're like oh shit I think about him all the time oh god I was thinking about him when I woke up in the morning I was thinking about him before I went to bed he's been online and he's not texting me back I wonder who he's texting that's fine he can text anyone he wants we're just friends oh I hope he's not texting another girl oh it's fine if he is oh what if he's with someone he hasn't been online all night

I bet he was on a date oh my god what if he took her back to his can you see how that would go that is a lot of angst and worry for someone who is not committed to you so that would be another concern of mine that you can still even go in wholeheartedly fully respecting the fwb boundaries and shit man you develop feelings over time who fucking knew that would happen i mean we all know we all know i will get to some positives i'm sure about friends and benefits But at the moment, it just seems all quite negative. What it also does in my eyes is blocks you off from perhaps having a spark with someone else that could be committed to you. Because I'm a one guy girl, right? I struggle to fancy more than one person. So say I and I don't mean this

in like I only date one person, I am happy to go on dates and stuff. But as soon as I feel myself very drawn to one guy I then struggle to continue dating other people because I'm like oh I know I know I'm not in it because I'm not in it because I like him. I feel like if I was in an FWB with a guy and I'm having sex with him I clearly like him as a person obviously because we're friends we hang out we're having sex then I probably wouldn't I wouldn't entertain someone else in which case I'll probably then be exclusive just by the nature of my personality and then if the guy's not exclusive which he doesn't have to be oh like you're just mates that would probably hurt me I am I saying anything people hear that you guys disagree with by the way like

are you in a friends with benefits relationship and you're like no it totally works just I would love to hear from you. Do slide into my DMs. Yes, I want you to slide into my DMs, Instagram at Nick Salina. But I just feel like it's a whole world of pain waiting to happen. There are plus sides, I'm sure, to friends with benefits. One being, you could actually both have previous i'm gonna say issues previous stipulations in your past that has made you wary of being in a relationship but you really like each other and if you go down fwb route you'll actually be opening up literally open me up motherfucker oh no wonder i'm single oh god um yeah so you'll be opening up to each other perhaps together you get to a place where

you're like oh shit i really like you like this is actually it because let's call a spade a spade the best relationships are built on friendship not lust not immediate infatuation not oh my god you're my soulmate after five days which has happened to me no it's built on friendship so actually hold on a fucking second there is a chance here that you guys are so cool together and you've developed your friendship first and foremost and love being around each other then you discover sex is great that's why fwb happens and then hang on a fucking second some more you guys actually want to be together but that does happen and that could be actually one of the best ways to get into a relationship that being said you can't fixate on that as a potential

option unless both you want it this is where the blurry lines happen because i'm like yo he's definitely gonna fall in love with me i'm definitely already in love with him um babies by 2025 if he's like I don't know what the fuck's going on sweetheart but we're just friends then you're then you are destined for failure so yes it can happen it just depends on how invested both of you are to begin with I think that's it you have to both be on the same page at every step of the way and if one point one of you turns the page and the other hasn't turned it you're fucked just go and buy another book or burn the book completely um another i guess another issue that i want to raise with fwb is that if you enter into the sexual part after you've been

friends for a really long time it can completely damage your friendship you can feel yeah this got awkward or feelings start to happen or i don't know sex is shit because that would be fucking awkward and then you can't like look each other in the eye anymore you are risking taking your friendship to that next level you are risking the friendship it's such a hard one isn't it even when I talk this through I'm like what a difficult bloody topic because you are risking the friendship but what if you're risking it for something fucking awesome what do you guys think I'm really stumped for this subject. I've never done FWB. I've only ever been dating guys that want to like see me for a bit. They'll tell me they can't commit. I'm just thinking back to my 20s.

But it won't be, oh yeah, we're just friends. I've never had that in my life because I've never agreed to it ever. Now I'm 33 years young, bastards for saying old. Now I'm 33 years young single, I do not foresee in any near future of mine that I want to be in a relationship. I just don't. I'm a career girl. I'm such a career girl and my career is taking off and I don't think that I want to rush back into being someone's fucking emotional punching bag. and you know my cats don't like men in all seriousness I don't I'm not looking for anything right and actually I'm starting to think that FWB could really suit me because I would love to hang out with someone I would love to

have sex with that person that I'm hanging out with but not have that pressure of the relationship so maybe yeah maybe I've become like all the men that I used to date when I was in my 20s like yo I really like hanging out with you and sex is awesome but I'm not here for the long time maybe I'm the casual fun girl I don't know I don't know but yeah I don't want a relationship and this is now when I'm like okay so say if you guys are like me you're like I've got someone I really like don't want a relationship then FWB does seem like a good plan is that the better option than taking to tinder and finding a fuck buddy because that's also another like yeah there's my friendship over in that corner but I really want sex so I'm going to go and put that

in the other corner that's I'm going to go on tinder or bumble whatever and I'm going to create a fuck buddy for fun that I'm not you know super emotionally connected with but very sexually connected with and then I got my friendship with that person who I love hanging out with and I don't want to destroy that so that's another option to go down as well whether that's better then because then what could happen is perhaps you could have something flourishing potentially with your friend that you turn down fwb because you don't want to ruin it but then actually here comes tinder guy who kind of sweeps off your feet and then maybe you have feelings for him so then you can neglect the friendship anyway and maybe the friendship should have been the option you

should have gone down. Oh, man. Isn't dating hard, guys? Isn't it sometimes a punch in the face? Can friendship with benefits ever work? Yes, it can, is the answer. Of course it can. It depends solely, but not solely. That's not the right word. It depends on how you both go into it to begin with. It depends how honest you are with each other and yourself. If you go into it pretending that you don't like them when you really really do like if you want them as your boyfriend and he's saying look I'm not committing to you at all we're just friends don't go into that whole setup right you have to be very honest with yourself honest with each other if you're both on the same page yeah it can work there is always that potential though because you're not

committed that one of you will find someone that they are attracted to on that level where they do want to then commit or whatever and you have to be prepared for that you can't then turn around and act like a needy partner because you're not you're an fwb you can't jeopardize the friendship by being like oh i can't be with you if you date someone now i can't you know i've got to cut you out my life because that's kind of not fair because that goes against the whole fwb rules where like if you both meet someone or one of you meet someone then you go back to being just friends but the friendship still exists unless you fuck you struggle to be friends with someone that you fucked before which is also I guess quite a tricky thing isn't it because how would you go

back to just hanging out when you know you sucked his dick tricky isn't it yes it can work but yes there are a lot of issues that arise when I think about friends with benefits and it's a very very dodgy territory i personally would avoid it myself at all costs just because i know what i'm like like i um do get attached to people very quickly especially me now like nixalina right now at this time in my life not interested at all um nixalina in her 20s would have said yes to fwb in the hopes it became a relationship which it probably wouldn't because of course um but yeah for me I like clear cut so if you're my boy mate we're just friends if I'm screwing you we like each other if I'm screwing you regularly you're not dating anyone else because like I don't want your

dick all over fucking town and then coming around mine every week you know I'm like yeah I'm a one man girl and I kind of like the guy if he's invested in me on any level to be a one girl guy that doesn't mean I'm like yo let me let me make you my boyfriend after date one or anything that just means like I like a little bit of exclusivity when I uh yeah when I have sex with someone or when I'm emotionally invested if I'm spending time with you or I'm texting you I'm emotionally invested right other than that I'm just a fucking ice cream I'm such a bitch maybe I should do an episode on that I'm terrible I really am but yeah friends with benefits I feel like what I need at this point is someone to come forward and talk to me about their FWB experience

so I want to know did you have it did it work did it not work um have I said anything where you're like fuck yeah that was me I thought it was gonna work it didn't or it ruined my friendship or Yeah, we started off as FWB and now we're together and planning our future. Like, I want to know some stories around this topic because it's quite a grey area and it's very hard for me to sit here and dictate or, you know, say all the guidelines or the rules or points one to ten because actually it's a blurry fucking grey line. So, yes, guys, hit me up. Thank you for listening.

And maybe once I hear all your feedback, I'll do an FWB episode, like, anonymously. But maybe I'll tell some tales so we can pick it apart and see whether it is a good thing or not. Peace out, everyone. Thanks for listening to the Sex and Singapore City podcast. This episode was produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina, and recorded at the Splice Car Studio in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star

review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more awesome content and features to read, you can check out my website, sexandsingaporecity.com. That's sexandsingaporecity.com. i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a to find me don't be shy come say hi