Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Ghosted You? Then Respect The Dead

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

Wave that disrespectful mofo off and don't let them back into your life.  

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City Podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hey, it's Nick Salina. Welcome to another episode of me. And we're talking about, in this episode, ghosting. it's called ghosted you then respect the dead i've done one episode before season three on being ghosted if you have not listened to that let me quickly over brief what the word ghosting mean it's kind of a millennial new term in today's generation for how people now deal with

relationships or casually dating or seeing each other where they just ghost you aka they disappear one minute you can be seeing each other every week planning time together maybe you've even dropped I love you's to each other um and then suddenly never hear from them again that's it well I say never hear from them again we'll come back to that later yeah they just ghost disappear gone silence you have no fucking clue what you've done wrong you don't understand and it's not just ghosting either it's also like what i would call um diminished diminished contact so or like just basically losing interest right it's like um suddenly you've gone from planning stuff with this person, texting a lot, calling each other,

whatever, to suddenly they don't call anymore. But there'll be an odd text or they'll like your Instagram. Oh, he liked my Instagram. That must mean something. Don't worry, I do it as well. In fact, I did that last week. So I'm taking the piss out myself as much as everyone else. But then there won't be a date lined up or there won't be a call. They're usually calls, like there's no call anymore or maybe you call when he doesn't pick up anymore but the next day he'll drop you a little whatsapp it's like diminished ghosting it's a miniature version like casper the friendly ghost if you ever watched that you can tell my age because it's mostly about what um yeah just like a it's like you're there but you're not really there ghosting is when you're

fucking gone, you know. Both of these scenarios, wow, they're really quite painful. Why do they happen? Okay, let's delve into ghosted you, then respect the dead. Basically, if someone has ghosted you, usually that means that they don't have enough integrity or backbone um or honesty to say to you hey actually this isn't for me or hey i'm kind of like in a different space now as when we met or i only see you as a friend or i've met someone else or actually i just want to be single and i feel like you want more and i can't give you that they don't have the bollocks to say this right so the easiest option is to just phase you out and the phasing out part is also in the secondary diminished ghosting aspect that I talked about

where it's like okay I won't pick up her calls anymore but I'll keep it I send a text here and there so I don't look like the bad guy I don't want to look like the bad guy but I'm not interested anymore so I'll just wind it down fizzle it out she'll eventually get the message she'll stop asking, right? So when someone does this, either options, what it means is usually they're interested in someone else. That's it. That's, I mean, nine times out of 10, take Nick's word for it. They're interested in someone else. They found someone new, someone shinier. They found someone who aligns with them more. They found someone that they actually feel, oh, I could have a relationship with this person and perhaps you were just a stopgap. It hurts, but we have to face this shit

head on, right? No one else is going to say this. Maybe you were just an in-between, a fun time girl or maybe they were in love with you for those three to six months, but they have a personality disorder and they love someone in the next week or they fucked up and they cheated and they can't bring themselves to be honest but they also know that you what you both have now is damaged so they're just going to scarper whatever the fucking reason is right they could also just go I mean ghosting happens from a negative aspect that's what I want to get at that's what I want to make clear whether they found someone else or not whether they've just lost interest or not whether they've fucked up or done something behind your back or not or you were just used in the first

place or they woke up one day and just changed their mind. Whatever it is to ghost you is a negative behavioral pattern, isn't it? It shows that there is no kind of respect for you, actually. There's no respect for you. There's no treating you like a fucking adult and there's no behaving like an adult. No adult can do that. You know, most mature humans and I've met a few. We are out there. Well, actually, I'm not mature. I will not put myself in that category. Most mature humans are able to say, hey, listen, like, I'm so sorry. This has kind of come to an end for me. And that's kind of what most people want and need. Okay, that hurts. That really hurts. I really liked you. I thought we were going somewhere. But thank you

for being honest. And that's usually all it needs. So when someone ghosts, it's a negative behavioral pattern. Chances are they ghost often. Chances are you're not the first person they've ghosted. And to get to my second point, chances are they're ghosting you only because they want to keep the channel open to come back. We call them zombies. Those little fucking zombies crawl Oh, back out from where? You buried them. Oh, hi. I've not seen you in a few months. How are you? Let's hang out this weekend. I've missed you. Oh, do you like my zombie voice? Oh, that's them in my head, dragging themselves out of their graves, clinging at your ankles in the graveyard. Oh, take me back.

oh my imagination is wonderful so that's the other option of ghosting is they want to keep that channel open it's like oh I don't want I'm not done with her just yet so I know I won't close it I just won't say anything oh absence makes the heart grow fonder so what I'll do is I'll just disappear and it'll make her want me even more and then when I am ready or I'm bored of the new one I can always go back narcissists do this a lot they have narcissistic supply right they've got a harem of exes that they've kept open and they'll you know not shut it down just disappear for a bit and come back hey and the girl's like oh my god hi I miss you so much like it's a thing but what I want to say to you is someone goes to then you gotta respect the

fucking dead. Leave them dead and buried, honey. Because it's not a positive thing for someone to do. It says a lot about them as a human, right? About their personality. It says a lot about their level of maturity. It says a lot about what they are and where they're at in their life. hey i've had fuck me hold on i can't even count countless men right good men good in in quotation marks that good italics bold underlined because i'm not even sure half of them were um i've had good men resurface god six months later a year later two years and i used to say to my girlfriend in London, like, they all come back. I don't understand. It's like a thing. It's like as soon as I'm like, okay, I'm over you, they'll come back. I even said to my girlfriend the other day,

I don't think my ex-fiance is gone. I have this feeling, and my gut feeling never really lets me down, that there'll be something, he'll resurface. He'll zombie himself out of the fucking graveyard and it's up to you whether you kick them back in the grave or you help pull their little carcass bodies out and give them a hug wow this imagination we've really gone somewhere today um just stay in the graveyard with me everyone stay in there in the dark place so what do you do like if they come back and I've had it for most of my 20s that they did what do you do many times because I was not well equipped or mature enough or you know I hadn't found my own healing properly at that time at that age I would accept them back in and guess what

did it did it turn out happy ever after no it didn't did it but also many of the times when they try to come back I had already moved on and I'd cut them off and I would see them and I'm like I'm just not into you at all now. You're lost. I'm just not interested. And that's usually, that was like 7 out of 10 way that that went down was they'd come back and I'm like, I just don't even fancy you. Like, the thought of putting your dick in my mouth?

Nah, thanks. But I think when anyone ghosts you moving forwards, it should be like a flat rule that you just, you leave them dead and buried. Because to me, it shows absolutely no respect for you as a human. I don't get it. How can you, especially if that person's saying, oh, I don't know, you've been with someone three months or six months or even a year, right? I've heard of these stories over a year.

And then that's it. Then the person just disappears. The person who's left wondering what the fuck's going on is texting, is calling. You know, where are you? What happened? What have I done? It's all getting internalized. What did I do?

Did I say anything last week? I saw him on Tuesday and I haven't heard anything. What did I say? What did I do? Is it because how I look? Is there someone else? Then they're scouring social media to try and find is there someone else? What's going on? It's so damaging. It's just shit. I really don't vibe it. And I think if someone can behave that way, knowing that you're at the end of the phone, WhatsApping, calling like oh fuck me she's calling me again yes she is calling you again because you just fucking disappeared one minute you're in a life the next minute you're not one minute you're having sex with her cunning her making these plans and then the next you just ghosted gone

then what do you expect and it's like oh he's calling me again yeah because you're a fucking cunt mate because you behave like a cunt what was that what are you doing to me today um yeah so I I just I really need people to grasp the severity of their actions I think that's what i'm moving with this episode it's like okay fuck it no let's let's change that direction because the person who ghosted they're always gonna they're gonna that's their method of of uh leaving that's how they want to be okay you go do you you're a knob see you later i should focus really on the person who is being ghosted and potentially then having a zombie come back that's what I really think we need to knuckle down on if someone can do this to you it's not a good

vibe and it doesn't really usually end up in your fairy tale if they come back and you welcome them with open arms because they know that they can disappear and you'll be waiting and that's not a good look it also means that they're like oh she's quite malleable she's quite naive um oh yeah I just went off and you know I wanted to go and see what else was out there before I committed to you well that means they don't value you then fuck you don't have to go off and taste the world and sleep around before you value a woman who's by your side you either value her or you don't you know I mean like we none of us can ever go out there and sleep around the entire globe and then go, all right, now I get to pick which one actually was the best. No, no, that doesn't

work. There might be a billion men on the planet that would be better suited for you than the person you're with and a billion women and vice versa. But you've chosen that person, right? And that person's in your life. So you don't, like you shouldn't need some extra validation. Like, oh, okay, it's fine. Yeah, I shagged about and she was shit. She was shit. She was ag. So actually I'm coming back to you. Oh my God, I do actually love you. I took the time and I realized I love you. No, no. Sorry, guys. But Nick Salina says, if they've ghosted you, then respect the fucking dead. Leave them where they're at and move on. Keep your head held high. I know it hurts. But understand that it's really not nothing you did.

If it was something you did wrong, then shouldn't they sit and say, look, do you know what? Last week you said this you said that and actually it scared me off or it's freaked me out or actually I've realized having spent three to six months of you a year with you two years whatever I'm actually not in the place you're in and I want you to go and find what you deserve and I can't give that to you easy but you if you're accepting that ghosting as like a valued way for someone to out from your life and then you accept them back it usually show cases that you are willing to accept less than what you deserve in the behaviors with this person and they clock it and they will most likely take advantage of course there are always exceptions to the rule and sometimes you

know guys need to just go off and realize fuck me what have I done I've lost her and also women as well, I know women ghost and then they come back. I feel like every episode I'm like, I get it. Gender works both ways. But next talks about men because she's a woman and I'm coming from my experience. OK. But yeah, I feel like people who it does sometimes happen and they come back and then it's great. But for you personally, call it a fucking day. That's what I'd say. Respect the dead call it a fucking day move on and don't let that person should they come back treat you in any way as devaluing as what ghosting does to you because it is a very devaluing concept um yeah and i'm just not here for it i'm here for adult fucking communication and we're not

12 year olds in the fucking playground anymore are we we are women and men who are leading the next generation. So God help us all if we can't sort ourselves out and lay the foundations on how people should behave and how we expect to be treated. I don't want our kids to suffer because we are fucking ourselves up, okay? If you have been ghosted or are currently being ghosted and you just want to talk to me about it and you've got feelings that you need to share and you need a safe space you know i'm always here you can dm me on instagram at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a share your thoughts with me um i will always help and it will be a judgment free zone um and hopefully by the end of conversations with me you'll feel better but yeah let that

fucking zombie stay buried and that's the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick Selina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A, to find me.

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