Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Has Your Friendship Sailed Away? 10 Pointers On When To Dump A Mate

Episode Date: September 12, 2021

It is never an easy decision, but sometimes you need to learn when something isn't serving you anymore.. This includes friends too.  Find out on this episode what makes a toxic friendship, and advice on when you need to walk away. Snip snip baby, snip snip. 

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hello, everyone. Happy Monday evening and welcome to another episode of my podcast. Hope you're all doing well. had a great weekend, really pumped for this week. I'm going to bum you all out with a little bit of a negative spin episode, but it's also very, very necessary. Tonight, we're

going to talk about friendship. Has your friendship sailed away? Ten pointers to know on when to dump your mate. Now, I always talk about relationships and couples and sex and love, But relationships span beyond that, of course, family, friends, colleagues. And actually, your friendships play such a big part in who you are and your lifestyle day to day as your relationship does. And sometimes we can be friends with people and not realize that we should kind of let that one go. it's the same as having to part ways with a partner dump someone stop dating someone

friendships need to be evaluated honestly in the same vein don't just be like well we were friends since we were five okay but now you're 25 and it really isn't doing you any good anymore So I want to offer you 10 nuggets of wisdom on when to know to let go. When you have to say goodbye to that friend. Okay, I hope this helps. Point one. When you withdraw contact and realize you were the only one who instigated communication and or made plans. do you find that there is always one friendship where you are invest invest invest invest hey

honey how are you hey babe what you up to how are you doing oh how was last week's trip to the salon what are you doing this weekend how's your dog and whilst they always respond they never never text you out of the blue hey girl how you doing i just thought i'd see how you are Have you ever noticed that? There are some friendships where when you stop your contact and you withdraw, silence. You realize you're the sole one holding that together. That's a real big pointer for me. I think friendships should be equal measure.

and especially when I emigrated I actually did realize there are some friendships where I was the one putting in all the effort and like it's not even just emigration if you move jobs or if you you know change cities or it like anything like that where the friendship isn't immediately around it takes a lot more work and effort to maintain that friendship if you start to see oh my god I am always the one texting I'm always the one asking to video call I'm always the one suggesting to hang out that's a huge flag for me to perhaps let that one go you shouldn't always be the one making all the plans always doing the text and it's not fair okay point two you are feeling drained when you're hanging out with them instead of feeling energized and inspired.

This is another really big deal. And it goes the same with relationships. When you're around this person, you are like depleted afterwards. You're tired. You're feeling very negative. You're miserable. You're low. If there is a constant pattern with one of your friends where this is how you always feel after a period of time with them. That's a problem. Friendships really, oh, they're just amazing. Good friendships build you up. They make you feel fantastic. Your girls and your guys are there for you when you need them. You know that you can turn to them for anything. You know that they'll always support you. And these people, like, you come away feeling so happy and like perhaps laughed until your belly hurt or you know got drunk all night

dance the night away whatever it is you just in such a good place with your friends if there is a friend around you that somehow drains you that is a sign we call them emotional vampires these people do suck your soul out and I've had a few friends like that where it was all the attention was on them all the time all the fucking time I felt like I didn't exist I was purely there to attend to their every whim I was like a couple of friends I was a bit concerned about how they would react to me if like perhaps I said no or I didn't want to go out or you know I was just perhaps like disagreeing with their opinion and it was yeah I was on eggshells I'm like hang on a minute I'm a grown fucking woman this is not okay I don't need this in my life

snip snip goodbye point three when they start backstabbing you and bitching about you to other friends hmm yeah so that's not okay and a big fat fucking red flag to ditch believe it or not you're thinking hey but they're your friend why are they backstabbing and bitching about you yeah it happens even to 30 something women like me when a girlfriend or a guy friend somehow finds a reason to be talking about you behind your back and if it's with mutual friends you will find out that's not cool like why you know and that's not a friendship I don't give a shit how long you've been you know friends I don't care if you see each other weekly or whatever it is there is no reason

to bitch and backstab a friend that is not a friendship that's someone using their own insecurity, their own jealousy, their own bitterness to keep you close, but then shit on you because that makes them feel better, right? So chances are you're a convenience friend and this isn't a true friendship in the first place. If you hear at any point a girlfriend or boyfriend have backstabbed you, yeah, cut the fuck loose there and then. Don't even try and steer that ship back into friendship harbour. Ooh, see what I did there? Point four. When they have nothing positive to say and it's constantly fucking negative. You know the people where they'll be like, why does your hair look like that? Yeah, your makeup looks shit. You really need to use a

better conditioner. Why are you dressed like that? Have you thought about wearing different shoes? you know you should probably go to the gym more I think you should probably stop drinking you should definitely lose some weight there is of course a fine line between being you know encouraging and supportive of someone who perhaps needs help along the way are we and our friends we will all help each other and if someone's down or someone's gone down a bad path we are there to be like I love you I think this is perhaps what you should do to try and help you move forward or whatever that's fine but when someone around you in your life has nothing fucking good to say whenever you hang with them or even through text that is just toxic shit you do not need

that's almost as bad as bitching about you behind your back it's like firing fucking negativity in your face and you'll just feel so shit about yourself like your friends should be saying oh my god i love your dress where'd you get it oh my god you look so stunning today you look glowing today oh my god you look incredible i've just seen your stories what are you up to like really really positive vibes and i don't get how negativity swirls around certain people but it does and it is not okay point five when they are clearly using you financially and or gifts and you receive nothing back oh you don't give to receive right let's make that very clear however if you're always the one picking up the fucking check if you're always the one supplying

all the food at parties the alcohol perhaps you're organizing takeaways or dinners at restaurants and you'll go i'll get it and they always let you get it and they never say hey next one's on me if that's a frequent thing with someone don't let it slide that's not okay same goes for special occasion gifts are like are you the one that always does lovely cards lovely presents birthday presents christmas presents do you always do this for someone uh yeah you got fuck all that's also a problem like very recently i had someone who would always say oh i'll buy you a home housewarming gift I'll buy you something for the home oh um I'll buy you a nice birthday gift oh I forgot to bring it like that I didn't get a single fucking thing and yet the other way around

yeah I would provide I would say here's this here's that here's your birthday gift so I just like it's not one I've actually had this quite a few times and I started to really re-evaluate this because I'm like why the fuck every year do I go out of my way to do something amazing for this person when they're not actively engaging with me in the first place and I'm not getting anything back like at all I know money is a shitter because obviously we all have you know different finances and whatnot completely understand that it's you know very subjective but I think really it should be as equal as it can be and things don't have to be expensive to be thoughtful. You know, you can do cards on the cheap. You can hand make stuff.

I had a girlfriend who was just so good at making things. It was the sweetest thing. She would always make me little notes in my purse and like take Polaroids and put it in a birthday card. Just a sweetheart, really. And I loved that. And, you know, it doesn't cost much, but it meant so much to me so even if you're broke like it's the it's the fucking thought I think that really matters so if you've started to notice that someone is always always putting on you to pick up the bill to organize going out and then pay to buy the group staff to always dish out your money and not give you anything back sorry but that is a flag it's a financial red flag point six when everyone else in your life expresses a negative opinion about that person

now i am as we're well aware very clearly about my own thoughts and opinions on my life and i'm very headstrong and I certainly do not let someone else tell me how to live my life who to hang out with who today etc how fucking ever if everyone else in your life says something like oh I don't know how I feel about that person or she gives me really negative vibes yeah um I'd be careful about that one if I were you oh um yeah honestly hanging about with her is really not doing your rep any favor or she's a bad egg stay away if these are comments that you're getting from different sources around you it might be worth listening to them mightn't it it's not i'm not just talking about one say i don't know your mom doesn't like her oh her skirt's too short get rid

oh poor mothers yeah say that's fine but if you have multiple people that have been in your life a while that you trust that you love and they don't have a positive opinion about a certain friendship of yours it might be worth listening to them and perhaps taking their opinions on board because often when it comes to toxic damaging relationships when we're in it we can't see how bad it is for us. And it usually takes someone on the outside to actually point that out. And then when you're out of it, you're like, shit, that was fucking awful. So yeah, listen up. Point seven, when that person encourages behavior in you, that is not true to who you are. For instance, do you have a friend that always has to get pissed up? You don't see a sober.

if you want to see her or him you have to be drunk you have to go out you have to get smashed if it's like that's the only thing you guys do together and that's actually not what you want to do then you really do have to evaluate that friendship and it's not just alcohol related it's anything where someone your friendship with someone basically means you don't feel like you're being true to yourself and perhaps you're over accommodating for what they like for what they want for their needs and it's that detriment to who you really are to the core but you're doing it anyway because you're a nice person and you obviously value the friendship if that's ongoing that will have an effect on you you really need to make sure in your life the people around you

uplift you, support you, and really your inner core and being of who you are just shines through 24-7. That's kind of the goal. Friends, family, relationships, everything is to put you in line with your true self, your most happy, positive, loving self. And if someone's in that circle that always makes you have to be someone you're not, it might be time to snip them out of your circle. Just saying. Point eight. When this person doesn't actually listen to you, conversations are a two-way street.

Yo, this is the fucking worst. When you're like, oh, yeah, I had a bad day. This happened, this happened. Then they're like, oh, sorry, babe. Yeah, this happened to me actually today. Or when you're like, yeah, I'm kind of really suffering. um like I'm going through a breakup or school's getting me down or work is doing and they're like oh yeah um so anyway I was just calling you because I have such a big problem

you know the vibe where it's like I'm listening but I'm not fucking listening this is one of my personal bugbears I always ensure we have conversations with people that I love that I'm invested in them even to the point one of my girlfriends is currently out of the country and her cat's not very well and I'm still like you need to let me know how well your cat is I need to know you text me from wherever you are in Europe and tell me about your cat in Singapore because I need to know if he's okay if anything gets worse I will go get him from wherever he is like I will always actively check in you know and it's not just in periods of my friend's life where it's a big thing like my girlfriend just gave birth I will you know of course I'll be right

around there um if my girlfriend's having surgery I'm gonna go and pick her up from the hospital I'm like that but I'm also always checking in I don't hear from you how are you checking you're not dead lol hi um probably really annoying actually but I always want to make sure that like I'm listening to them I'm here for them you know and if they're going through a bad time i'm like you always text me call me text me don't give a shit what time it is you know i'm here for you and i will always try and make sure that i communicate and i listen to him and god i would hate it if someone ever thought i was the kind of friend that just talked about myself and switched every conversation back to me because i've been on receiving ends of these people my whole fucking

life and it's just you're in the end you're like i just don't want to talk what is the point in talking this is your platform go straight ahead like fucking it's there is no conversation is it it's a conversation you know it's for two people and this is just a fucking monologue so yeah no hate it if this happens with you and someone in your life all the time and you start to realize that I actually I can't rely on them to be there for me because they don't really listen care and any problem I have is switched back to their problem or they'll be like oh yeah that happened to me too and go back to that yeah you might want to reconsider relying on this person for anything actually point number nine when you start to realize it is a convenience friendship

for them and there is probably ulterior motives so when it's a convenience friendship example Oh, my, there was someone I used to hang out with in London years ago, who I thought had my back. I think she used me a lot for what she could get out of me. Events we could go to, used my name, my blogger name and all that jazz. And I never saw it. And actually, she was one of the people where my other friends are like, we really don't like her, Nix. And I was like, no, no, no, she's fine made excuses or whatever and yeah as soon as it suited her when her life changed to not need to go out to events to not want to do all these things and didn't hear a fucking thing so cool you've got to really start honing I guess your your own life and your tight circle who's in it

and if you have a whiff of someone who is perhaps using you for whatever whatever it may be and perhaps the friendship is kind of born out of something that seems to really suit them. Yeah, you need to keep an eye on it. And if you start to be like, hey, I just want to go for coffee, you know, like I need someone to talk to, and they're not there. But, you know, if you're like, I don't know, partying or the beach or whatever, and that's their vibe, and they're like, oh, yeah, I'll be there soon, you know, just keep an eye out for anyone that seems to be using you or perhaps has ulterior motives for

your friendship this is quite a broad subject so it's very hard for me to discuss but if you want to dm me about this point and like throw scenarios at me and we can like tease it out together and find out whether there is a genuine friendship there or it's time to cut point number 10 finally when you realize their absence changes nothing in your life so you perhaps just gone quiet maybe you're busy at work maybe you're i don't know taking time off on annual leave having surgery going on holiday perhaps you just want to turn your phone off for a week. Perhaps you don't want to do social media, whatever it is. And you're like, you haven't engaged in a friendship. Or maybe you've even just gone, not interested. Bye. And the friendship is

done. If their disappearance from your life makes no fucking difference, it was never really a friendship for me personally my friends are my life yes I have a partner but I would never be that person that like gets married or settles down and cuts all their friends out I just can't fucking bear those people and those people have also happened to me as well like okay married now bye what what for me my friends will be with me until i die and i am so loyal and one of my best friends lives 7 000 miles away um also married she has two kids and we talk all the fucking time there really is no excuse or no reason not to keep your friends alive because friends really are one of the most important things and if i hate to say it but if your relationship ever failed

it will be your friends that pick you the fuck up and get you out of that hole and get you out of that house so friends a friendship in your life is a huge deal and if you don't really notice this person doesn't even exist anymore you're like oh I don't see you anymore nothing's changed then it probably wasn't a friendship in the first place because most of my best friends and soul is if they disappeared from my life I would be fucking devastated and I certainly wouldn't like my whole social diary would change I wouldn't be seeing them I wouldn't be going out and doing the things like okay yeah but still have my partner but my partner doesn't replace my best friends and for me that's the sign of a true friendship so yeah if you realize without them around that perhaps

you even feel relieved without them around you feel more positive without them around that is definitely a sign that that friendship has fucking sailed if you need any more pointers on this subject just holler me instagram is at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a and i hope you'll go forth have wonderful friendships and if you find any of the toxic ones snip snip baby thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find

my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick selena n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a to find me don't be shy come say hi