Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Hedonist Girls Talk: Couples That Play Together, Stay Together

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

Jacqueline Kee from Singapore's sexual wellness brands Hedonist & Genvie talks to me about the introduction of toys into the bedroom and why toys are actually a fab way to ensure your sex life keeps getting better and better. ​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com.   Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Can't Keep My Mouth Shut. Today is a Valentine's special and for this occasion I have a very special guest with me. We are sitting today with Jacqueline Key who is a co-founder of two brands, Homegrown in Singapore, Gen V and Hedonist. Hey everyone, thank you so much for having me here to DB.

So some of you actually might have met Jacqueline because I threw a single as fuck party not so long ago. That was so fun. Wasn't it? That was so fun. The headline sponsor was, in fact, Hedonist. So Jacqueline took over the pavilion area, created this gorgeous love nest, and all of my guests who came could come in and explore a wide variety of toys and just bedroom pleasure items that the Hedonist has in stock.

Yeah, so that to me that night was just unforgettable, like meeting all the different people, gorgeous, gorgeous people as well. And I think at the end of the night, I don't know, there were like pretty crazy things that were happening, you know, in terms of like the kind of talks and speeches that people were talking about. Whether the first time they actually used a toy or not, it just got really wild. And like after a few drinks, people started actually venturing to play with the toys, right? So at the beginning, when you're sober, if you're new to this whole world,

it looks quite scary because you did bring some BDSM bondage items with you. I did. And you did take some photos with Almaz. and whipping around so yeah that was really fun I got attached to the flogger you did and you actually took it home and we're like where is it and like because it was on my wrist and I was like la la la just going around flogging everyone that's what you get when you come to my parties you pay for a ticket and you get a spank you get a spank so this episode my darling the reason I've got you on my show is because i want hedonist girls to talk and the idea i want to explore is couples that play together stay together exactly um that is something that i always

always preach about um i think sex and pleasure just should be a very normal conversation and i think growing up as asian singaporean it's always been kind of hush hush nobody kind of talks about it um I was just having this conversation the other day with a customer that came by and you know she's been married for a long time but and then she comes in looking for toys and we were having this whole conversation about like um how do you even introduce toys into the relationship right to spice things up because her husband is just kind of like oh I don't really I don't really believe in toys right and then we had this whole topic about like how we grew up in an asia context where it's very oppressed and like you know you don't talk about

sex with your family your friend and friends as much as well and then suddenly when you get married your parents are like when are you going to have your first kid you know and just like it's just such a a gap yes a huge jump right exactly so um i'm so glad we're gonna have this conversation and just unwrap everything right yeah yeah I'll unwrap everything yes unwrap everything I don't know why just everything you say for me is sexual and dirty put it in put it in so um I guess this brief overview then or before we dive in on like why you personally decided to found these brands and like where did you get your like my mojo yeah oh my mojo because obviously you're you're a Singaporean as well and you've you've broken free from this the traditional type of like

stereotype yes all this while when I was young I've always been very inquisitive um as young as 12 at least when I think puberty hit I was the kind of person in my group that was telling all these dirty jokes and although I did not quite understand the concept of it I was just like having a ball with it right um it started from there but then later on as I got more and more curious about this whole kind of taboo don't talk about sex kind of thing um yeah like it just kind of like fell felt very alone because a lot of friends a lot of people kind of like tell you like this is something you're asking too much of and later on when I got into um different relationships um I started dating a lot of Singaporeans as well initially and me because

I was always wanting to explore more yeah I always felt like guys nothing wrong with them it's just that the boys that were dating were telling me like you're asking for too much in other words it could be like are you like uh too much are you like addicted to sex or something like that but I'm not you know like I'm just being curious I'm just exploring right open yeah you're obviously you're naturally an open person yes yes and because of that it just kind of like stamped down my personality for a while and I just thought okay never mind it's just a small thing nobody really talks about it so it shouldn't be that serious right but then when it developed into my later stage of my life like although I on the outside I may seem very confident I'm very open

like you said which are these aspects but deep down inside there was this thing that I still carry a lot of shame and guilt and this missing piece right um and then fast forward into meeting my husband which back then we were dating right um we explored sex toys actually he was the one who brought up that conversation first and that kind of like changed my perspective because all along i was brought up in a society to think that like women are the one that serve men and i had that mentality for a long time um and when he did that the narrative just changed and when i had my first orgasm with a toy on my own with him just kind of like allowing that space i was like oh my god like i always had that control inside me i always had that that power

that i could do on my own you know like it's not something i have to wait for a man to to pleasure me in that sense I know it sounds like what you went through this like they cannot phantom it but um the fact is yeah I was not the most I guess confident in myself when it came to sex even though I used to I talk about it a lot but a lot of women even now have the exact same mentality like sex toys are scary self-pleasure is scary yes you have to only orgasm through sex with men with your partner exactly and that's one of the reasons why i got into what i do as well to try and break that stigma and taboo because it was like i also was the same the first orgasm i had was on my own with a vibrator yeah and i remember after it's been like what i

know mind blown right this is what everyone is banging on about i know before that i was 21 yep before that i was having sex i had no idea like it was like oh you have sex the man comes done yes and only after and it was only through a toy that Ivan was like oh my god yes and so life-changing yeah when people even now like these are women in their 30s in Singapore say to me like I want to own a toy and I'm like but you haven't yet you got to mid-30s yep and it's all still very scary and then I'm like then how do you come or something you know because I can't through just sex with a guy me too me too has to have a toy I'm a little manger I think I'm a little bit did it because I'm like you know it's you're going to take forever the toy you know five minutes

the vibration you know your body and you know what works for you I mean no judgment there what makes you happy makes you happy exactly go for it right but I just in shock that lots of you know I think lots of women are still scared to self-pleasure I think there's a stigma still in a couple relationship which is obviously what we want to explore today but like oh if you introduce a vibrator or you introduce a toy that then that means the sex is bad or that deflects that the like his manhood doesn't work or something it's all utter bullshit yeah women can enjoy sex as it is but sometimes we just can't come that way or you know or the vibrator just helps you get over the edge for instance you know or any toy and like I want couples to actually be able to just

have the conversation yes bring it into their bedroom yes and um exactly on that point because when it comes to orgasms right and female orgasms it's not so straightforward as compared to men because biologically the reproductive function and reproductive organs one is external one's internal right right and that alone itself is a mystery sometimes for women themselves to find it let alone now you have to give give this guy an authority to find and navigate this space of where the g-spot is and and there's clitoral orgasms disclosure they rarely find it right so you need toys essentially and we always say that in my workshops because i'm a sex educator as well in-house educator to help bring education into light right um to bring this conversation out

and we always say 80 of women don't get off true just penetrative sex right you need a lot of clitoral stimulation you need a full play because the difference between men and women when it comes to sexual arousal men are more visual whereas women they're visual as well but a lot more goes on psychologically right it goes on in the brain you need a fantasy a little bit more like they want to feel connected that's the most important thing they're more like emotional connection with people right so that alone like you need all that stimulation in order for a woman to feel fully relaxed and then get that orgasmic bliss yeah so the the key thing is relaxation and sometimes a toy essentially helps you to relax from downwards all the way through

the full body so how do we get people to realize that toys aren't scary and they're not a replacement but actually enhance your sexual experience as a couple oh okay that's a really good one because is we have so many couples come in and they ask this question all the time. So when it comes to introducing first time, you know, couples with toys in the bedroom, you want to make sure that both parties are consenting in this

and have a very positive mindset into it because you don't want to cause a misunderstanding. For instance, whether it's guy buying for the girl, girl buying for the guy, right? If you just suddenly go as a gag gift And be like, here, I'm getting you this toy What it could come across Even though you have good intentions

Would be like, are you trying to say that I'm not good enough, you know So first have that kind of talk But you don't have to even be like direct about it It could be like insinuated in a way that it's You know, like foreplay Like you just kind of go in directly Be like, oh, I just read this article the other day

And they say that, you know, toys enhance a relationship What do you think? Do you think that's something we could try together? I always like to have that as first part Saying that introduction comes through, like you said, communication, right? So it's always step one Step one Gotcha

Like make sure that both parties are in it Yeah And then from there you get a sense, right? If they're a bit apprehensive or super defensive about it then you can kind of like i said unwrap unwrap that conversation be like why do you think that way and i always emphasize the first step is when you're building that conversation it's also a partnership it's not like oh because i think this will make you feel good or or make me feel good you know or i heard from my friend that made her feel good no it's like how does this toy when you

bring it into the relationship i think that it could be good for you so that we both enjoy it Like that kind of partnership will definitely change the whole perspective of why you're bringing this toy in rather than it coming in as an inferior, like, threat. Because then, like, this is what I was thinking as well. You know guys often feel emasculated if you bring in a vibrator because it's like, well, that's what my dick's supposed to do. And it can vibrate 10 different functions.

So here was my idea because I was thinking to avoid any of that defensive thing. But I've had it before from previous boyfriends, so I get it. There are so many toys, especially on headiness website, that are just very small, handheld, just for clits, right? So what you can do is explain that you're not buying, you know, like a penis-shaped vibrator. This is just a small outer edge vibration for your clit.

That might be an easy in, pun intended. already early and I'm starting because then he knows his dick is still the main function yes and then with external little miniature clit ones the guy actually feels the vibrations as well yes right and they actually like it yes you know because I before and their guys were like hold it no hold it there because you know exactly yeah so if you're if you've got a man that is defensive which we've all experienced I think or they feel that you're trying to out them from this just explore the smaller yes less scary outer edge clip ones yeah yeah and um you know they always say like oh size matters but when it comes to a toy like vibration the speed the

functionalities and that like that also matters a lot and from what we said earlier on 80% of the time women don't just go to just penetrate the sex you can educate your partner on that too and say that hey you know it's not you it's also because i need to have a lot more stimulation um to get there right and i want to finish off together with you so um that could be a conversation that you also educate them so that of course it can benefit the female part as well i mean there's also beyond vibrators there's the whole world of um bondage bdsm toys and you've even stocked lingerie on your website as well so um I think most people by now know I'm into my bondage yeah I talk about it like left with I talk about it a lot but you know that that's like some that's

obviously you know there's no emasculation there you actually the male can become the dominant so to speak right and you can start off with it's you know if you're a beginner in this area you can start with just you know some fluffy handcuffs or something right yes or a blindfold yep right or a soft tie that you can tie your hands with and you can see if you guys in the bedroom like because i mean it's not just it's not just getting yourself off imagine you're in a long long-term relationship yeah sex needs spicing up it it will you know your needs enhancement yeah you're fucking the same person for the whole of your life yeah right put it bluntly well I hope you are because you know we don't abide by cheaters here so you want to keep the sex alive yes so it might

be fun to start doing it around the house and the condo and places you haven't it might be fun to start trying like sensory changes yeah ice cubes blindfold feathers and you can start with the stuff and then get when you're comfortable because obviously if you come home with like I don't know fucking ties and whips and you haven't like your partner's like uh are you okay exactly but cemetery deprivation is always fun because it heightens all the other senses as well uh so definitely doing something different um outside of the bedroom can definitely do wonders in the bedroom do you find as like the leading like I guess sexuality and female wellness expert on the island do you find it do lots of people come to you and you're still

shocked at like I guess how innocent they are is the word I'd use within this field um all the time um but of course I've I've had so many of these women and men come in now it's become it's almost become like okay now how can I help you understand that this is not the reality of things you know um i'll give them my personal experiences and that helps them feel that like okay this person is a real person who also kind of like goes through probably some of the things i'm going through right um like one example um introducing sex twice again into the relationship right so when it comes to using a vibrator what i usually say to either the men or guy um i would say you know for me as a working professional my life is always so busy my husband

himself as well always so busy right he's an entrepreneur himself he runs his own mexican restaurants so when we finally want to have sex right it's not always like it's not always spontaneous that let's face it that's the reality right um so schedule sex how do we make it sexy we always end um and weaving that together and then sex toys are things that actually enables me to help me feel relaxed in that moment and tune in to being present that okay now it's something that like my body is ready i know that i'm all warmed up um and setting all that pressure for um a guy to just get you off one the guy is going to be like oh my gosh like i have to massage her again i have to go through 30 minutes of foreplay before i actually have sex like they both are just

going to end up resenting sex and pleasure altogether and then you don't do it as much you don't got the fucking time exactly it takes about 45 minutes for a guy to go down on me for me to get somewhere there we go and i can do it by myself in like five yes with toys yes so rather than you both go fucking hell like god dinner's on you know what i mean yeah come and then someone I'm like, come on, Nix. And then I'm like, oh, I can't. And then you push back the orgasm because you're panicking. Exactly.

You're not in the right space and distraction and everything, right? So what I teach women as well is to be in charge and take charge of your own pleasure. So toys are also there to help both parties feel more relaxed in the sense that you're not pressuring the guy. And at the same time, you're also, you know, it's sexy having to see your partner kind of masturbate, masturbate mutual masturbation going on right a little bit of visuals there um and yeah like at

least she knows how to take that control of her pleasure warm herself up right um and then don't give into the toy then have sex then both of you can have a great orgasm together yeah right and especially if you're um the female already has been using the toys on her own and she knows exactly you know which hand which pressure which you know mode it is right because sometimes a guy could buy the toy for the girl but then the thing is like if he's just kind of like tapping it and just kind of navigating around like you know just I don't know hot coal hot coal like you don't really know right but if the girl already knows it it's okay to like hold on to the toy and just have her way with it and then later on be like okay now I'm putting this toy aside it's me and

you bonding session right here right now yeah my definitely my sex has got better since I use my own toys because I now know what gets me off if I'm clueless yeah poor guy's already fucking clueless how it's gonna be like a fumbling mess whereas I can now direct him or I know what's gonna get me there yes I know what takes a while and I like and so you actually you self-pleasuring even in a relationship enhances the sex in the relationship exactly exactly I think that's the main point that like like we say couples that play together stay together you're not saying if you don't have sex toys you're going to split up of course of course there's so many other ways to like having sex or at least keeping the spark alive in the relationship um do like I just want

to ask quickly do you have you seen a shift um in recent years of people being more open and exploring is there a change or is it still quite a hush hush topic I think that people who generally kind of come to our workshops there are a range they are more there could be the range from the inquisitive like okay like I'm I'm one leg in dipping my toes in and then you have this other range where like women are super empowered and they're like okay I'm social my sexuality I would say that times are definitely changing And people are becoming more modern You have a lot of media out there

Teaching people about sex Or shows on Netflix You watch on YouTube So I think that progressively We are changing and evolving To become more open when it comes to sex and pleasure But there is definitely still a big portion of i would say singaporeans they were not tapping into yet that still feels that this is a very

scary thing yeah and when when we try to talk to these people they still have that mentality that it's like oh it's okay i have a partner i have my husband i have my boyfriend and that kind of mentality and it still takes time to get them to get to where we are um yeah but i'm sure they will get there yeah and so with the people that are still in that like I'm not going to close mind I'm going to use the word innocent or a little bit like scared and it's a what would be like your one tip to try and get to this point like is there a particular toy you'd recommend as a beginner like what would be your go-to advice for those I would say um before I even introduce toys because in our in our business we sell sex toys but it's always like a conversation

starter what we always do is through education first and so that's why like compared to most of the other retail stores in Singapore we actually have that as our unique selling point through education so we have these workshops so I'll be like you know what if toys are not for you don't worry I understand how scary it might be in the beginning right so just come for one of these workshops be surrounded by other like-minded individuals um and just keep an open mind right because we have different workshops that ranges from topics of like pleasure 101 and it's for women only so it's vulva anatomy it's understanding different female orgasms and demystifying them you know the taboos around it and then we also have another workshop that's for couples which is like

exactly what we're talking about right here spicing up your relationship how do we get from good to great right and then we have other ones that are a little bit more kinky which i'm sure that that's what you're all about um we have blowjob handjob workshops that's all for female only right we have an intimacy coach that runs it as well together with us we also have intro to kink which is like okay if you want to explore your more kinkier side of things how do you go about it come for the workshop and just keep an open mind and see how that goes that's incredible so in fact you can your first step is come for a workshop get the education yeah from then on you can actually then decide you're like actually I don't want that toy that I originally thought I'd

want exactly you can work you go to every workshop or you can work on your blow job or I know yeah that's fantastic yeah that's incredible I think that's a great like a unique selling point for you guys because you're right it's not just about purchases and sales or the right toy or oh let's buy you know a whip and go to it's actually the educational part is the first port of call yeah it's to relearn what you thought you knew yeah and just changing it in a perspective that it's more inclusive more modern and just open and fun you know something that's more relevant to your life right now absolutely and i gotta say given that um it's valentine's day tomorrow this is the perfect time for you guys to go and explore some sex toys together

and you can go on the website and take a little look what's the website my love it's called head in his tribe so head in his tribe.com and have fun shopping yes please do head over to our instagram so what i'm going to do for you guys is i'll post on reels two of their latest toys that jacqueline has brought into the studio today so i'm going to post up for you guys to see one of them is my new favorite i'm gonna steal it off and take it home so these are the types of things that are actually what i was talking about earlier they're very small go in your handbag they're very discreet so if you head over to um our instagrams you know mine it's at nick selena what's yours jacqueline it's hedonist tribe um just as it as it is yeah and that you'll

be able to see i'll tag them in my reel and in the caption i'll also include a uh discount code yes for everyone so you can go and shop to your heart's content thank you so so much for coming in the studio thank you so much for having me here such an inspiration i hope um jacqueline's helped you guys feel perhaps even a little bit more empowered or inquisitive you know if you want to go and have a chat to your partner go for it now like valentine's day is the perfect time Perfect time. To open these conversations. I know.

To go and get your toy. To whet your appetite. So everything you say is sexy. I can't help it. You brought it out of me. We make a good team here. We do. Hopefully we'll do more events together as well.

Yes. We had a lot of people after they saw what we did was like, when's your next one? I'm definitely inviting you for my next few ones. We have a shibari. We have like private parties. actually the one that we're really excited to launch also i mean to talk a little bit more about in the future is our bachelorette parties um which is a private one that you could get if

you are getting a hen's party planned out for your friend but i'm looking um if anyone's here right now knows of any male strippers that might be interesting to my addition please write in and dm me you heard it here first she needs male strippers yes singapore where are our male strippers give me a magic mic yeah and also me as well please yes not for parties i just want one okay sure don't we all want one and with that i'm gonna close this episode thank you so much jacqueline you've been an absolute pleasure you guys have got the website and our social media and yes please head over to get your discount code to use on anything on the website yes just shove it in the cart when you check out shove it in oh my god okay you're on a roll you're on a roll

shove it in the cart okay i'm out thank you so much everyone and we will see you all next week thanks for listening to the can't keep my mouth shut podcast produced and hosted by me nick selena i'm recorded in the splice car studios in singapore i'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google, and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more content and features to read, you can check out my website, nixelina.com. That's nixelina.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixelina, N-I-X-A-L-I-M-A

to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.