Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Here's Why it Takes Victims Up To SEVEN Times to Leave Their Abuser

Episode Date: May 26, 2025

I'm here to tell you, it's not your fault. I'm also here to tell you, that as long as you keep trying to leave, and you eventually do leave - it doesn't actually matter how many times it takes you.  With love, Nixalina. ​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com. Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok @nixalina to slide into my DMs.

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Visit odoo.com to book a demo. It's odoo.com. This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina, and welcome back to this episode, which is a little bit sad, a little bit sad and serious. So I'm going to lower my happy intro tone. This episode is called, This is Why It Takes Victims Up to Seven Times to Leave Their Abusers.

If you think that's an exaggerated fact, you are incorrect. It is studied. It's been studied time and time again. And basically, coming off of an abusive relationship is the same withdrawal as coming off a drug. And it usually takes drug users up to seven times for them to finally get clean for good and to let go of the drug. It's the same when you are a victim of a toxic, abusive relationship. Now, you might be thinking, fuck me, seven times? Surely not. Why not after the third time will you not learn your lesson?

Why not after the fifth time? like some women and men because it goes both ways this is not gender specific they can uh i can take up to 10 times like seven is the average right so if you think that it's the average some people can leave the first time second time 10 times 12 times and i mean leave as in you break up move out block each other whatever it is and you get back together they come back with the promises and come back with all this sweet ass love bombing times a billion and this is what I want to talk about today so firstly should you be in an abusive relationship and you know we all know we know deep down we are should you be in an abusive relationship and you

are blaming yourself for why you haven't left or why you left and went back this episode is to tell you that you need to not take the blame in the way that you are. It's not helping and it's actually not your fault. So with abusive partners, your brain becomes addicted to the highs and lows of which their personality disorder offers. All abusive partners, in my opinion, have a personality disorder they can be various spectrums of that it could be extreme or less extreme they could just be i don't know they might have anger issues but for me having an anger issue is a personality issue right that's that's a disorder they gotta fucking figure it out we all have emotions we'll have anger as one of our emotions but if it dominates your life and you hurt your loved one

or you physically hurt, like you have a disorder. Untreated, unhealed needs therapy issue. So with this type of human who has an untreated personality issue, likely are they might be controlling. I'm going off piece here. Just stay with me. They might be controlling. They might be possessive.

They might be jealous. they might be nasty they might try and influence you into getting rid of your support system they might cast like you they might manipulate you they might try and tell you you're crazy they will tell you you're the problem i do all of these things or only a few of these things but what this does to your brain is when you have these shitty awful moments with them it releases cortisol and I think oxytocin is that the bad hormone and then then when they're nice because abusers aren't abusive all the time in fact usually 95% of the time they're nice to you when they're nice to you again you want that back you want that high

you want the dopamine you don't want the stress hormone you want the happy hormone you want the serotonin boost you want the physical connection so your brain living in this high and low space is now addicted to this high and low space your brain gets that shitty awful feeling when he pushes you by the neck when he slaps you around the face when he tells you you're ugly today when he walks out and disappears and doesn't come home all night when he kicks off and tells you you've been cheating on him when he refuses to pick up the kids whatever it is right you're stressed you're anxious even you're in a space of panic or sadness you've internalized it you believe him and then switch changes overnight now because he's got all of his nastiness out on you

I say he sorry she as well replace he and she interchangeable and then once that's done he's nice again oh he's loving again he's calm now he wants to be around you he wants to cuddle you he wants to hold your hand he wants to take you out for dinner to apologize for raging at you He wants to see you and the kids because the family is the most important thing to him. He wants to love you again. He wants to pick you up from the airport. You get all that gorgeous, happy, dopamine, serotonin, love hit. And him in that mode is all you crave.

And now you've got it again. So you're going to do anything you can to get there. Oh, if I'm good enough, he'll be nice like that to me all the time. if I'm good enough he'll be kinder to me if I'm good enough kind enough loving enough if I'm sexy enough if I'm attractive enough he'll be like this all the time and then I won't get the abuse and then I get that perfect man that I met at the beginning and that's how they keep your brain stuck and that's how they create an addiction so when then it comes to air any moment where you feel you have to leave or he leaves you your brain is already addicted chemically addicted

to that person and that is why it takes up to seven times to leave because you can't you can't fathom life without them you're emotionally stuck to them you're extremely dependent on them now and yeah you want the good you want the good so here I am telling you today it is absolutely normal if you are in an abusive relationship that it takes you more than one time to leave the main point is you keep trying you will have people around you hopefully they support you but there will be moments where they get fed up of it they're like I can't do this anymore you keep doing the same thing the same thing the same thing and yeah it will get you will get there in the end you 100% will get there but I want you to

first grasp that you are addicted your brain is addicted and that I think is something we really need to remember and understand because that way you can help yourself as you churn through the feelings that you're going through so yeah I feel like if you're a little bit lighter on yourself if you understand and please research this like this isn't just me spitting bullshit this is facts if you are able to be kinder and lighter to yourself and go hey this is normal because half the time when you keep going back to them and then they're shitty to you again you blame yourself again why the fuck did I come back why do I deserve this and then they and their abuse gets more insidious and deeper and deeper and deeper then it makes it harder to leave

then you're more internalizing it you know what I mean and then it's just a spiral down of pain and misery and so I'm telling you this because I want you to understand and so if we're kinder to ourselves in understanding this whole process what happens is it's easier for us to eventually get out and that's why I want to make this very clear because each time I leave my partners who have been and everything I've said earlier under the sun to me I've kind of gone back and I haven't gone back in I say we split up in April I'm still sleeping with them in May but then we and then we're done but that's I'm still going back right that's still a month and a half where we've been separated and I've regurgitated to people what they put me

through and everyone is like what the fuck we had no idea that was going on behind closed doors I still went back didn't I because I still craved him but I am so well versed in this now that the longer the older I get and the more relationships I have that it's easier it's easier for me to step back and be like okay this is my brain is addicted this is like coming off a drug Annie, it is like coming off a drug, which is why anyone who gives you expert advice on healing from especially narcissists or any toxic relationship, it's no contact. And it's no contact because it's like going cold turkey, right? If I smoke three times a day, if I smoke once a day, smoking's still in me. If I stop smoking and I go, fuck this, and I just don't smoke, within like 28 days,

it's going to be so much easier for me to stop full time then instead of me say smoking three times a day or once a day in 28 days time I'm like oh yeah we're still smoking and I and I'll still want to go yeah I'll have one a day do you know what I mean and it trickles on that's so you text you text you text okay well when I blocked him on here but not here or oh well I only called him once and I was drunk yeah but you're still attached so you gotta stop and go no contact cold turkey see it as a drug i need to go cold turkey on weaning myself off of this drug and it's gonna be hell my girls and guys it's fucking hell emotional mental hell but when you get past it when you really see the word through the trees um my god it's

it's amazing it's amazing because you come out so much happier and brighter and lighter and yeah you can look back and go okay it took me nine times it took me fucking nine times to leave him but look I left him I had the bollocks to do it and I redid my whole life on my own and aren't I fucking awesome and that's what I want you all to get and I know when you're on the thick of it you're like nigs I just can't ever get there you can trust me you absolutely fucking can all right I'm done with this I hope it's helped I'm sorry that sometimes I do have to do heavy topics, to be honest. I do heavy topics quite a lot. I try my best to swerve as much as I can to make it less heavy. But this is the really important shit. And I don't want to become

that podcaster or that content creator that just deals with fluffiness all the time. And yeah, this is an amazing sex position. I'm so past that. I want you guys to be in a healthy, happy, loving relationship. And we have to work through this shit. anyway if you need me for anything at all you want to talk about this in person um we can meet up for coffee I do have many oh sorry the side note I do have many people in my dms are waiting for my replies and are also waiting to meet up with me for coffee to talk I am you're very I'm well aware that you are in the back of my mind and I'm so sorry and life is currently hectic and in a good way in a good good way I've been filming tv shows blah blah blah all that jazz

but i will get back to you and i do want to be there for you because especially if you're in this moment you're in the thick of this that what we've discussed today that's when you need someone the most um so let me be there for you especially as i've lived through it more times than i care to mention on that note i will love you and leave you all and i will happily happily see you all next week take care everyone thanks for listening to the can't keep my mouth shut podcast produced and hosted by me nick selena i'm recorded in the splice cast studios in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new

episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more content and features to read you can check out my website nixalina.com that's nixalina.com i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-m-a to find me don't be shy come say hi you