Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Here's Why You Should NEVER EVER Rebound After a Breakup

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Rebounding is the worst idea you've ever had... ever. It's also a fake AF relationship and bound to fail / head for absolute disaster: It reflects badly on you to everyone else.  It disrespects what you had with your ex.  It makes you appear like you have zero concern for other's feelings, which are huge red flags. It leaves no room for reflection, growth, repair and healing.  It pulls an innocent person into your drama. It is a fake relationship. It causes ALL members of the triangle pain. It is destined for failure. Destroys any possible hope in the future if you wanted to get back with your ex. It doesn't get rid of the heartbreak pain, merely delays it.  Comparison. YOU could be taken advantage of. You've been sucked into someone else's life. For more content, head over to: http://sexandsingaporecity.com/ Or come say Haiiiiii Nixxxx on Instagram: @nixalina

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast, and I am Nixalina. Hi everyone, welcome back to another Monday evening of Nixalina. and this episode is quite something. It's called Here's Why You Should Never Ever Rebound Immediately After a Breakup. Yes, never ever. I'm going to start with a little bit of tea spilling here. I originally promised myself that I wouldn't expose what my ex did on any level, but then his lack of respect for my very existence kind of made me lose all of that and yeah I'm

quite happy to share. It's also extremely relevant to the topic at hand and I'm going to tea spill just so that we can then pick apart why a rebound is so fucking bad. Okay so me and my ex split up unfortunately we had to still live together for a month due to the condos ins and outs. we promised each other three months of healing and that we both wouldn't go near someone else that we would just allow the other person to heal you know it's a very respectful way to end you know a very long-term relationship we've been through a lot together in that month where I was still living in our home he had already found someone from his workplace that he had lined up right? Bear in mind in that final month, we were still sleeping together. We were still saying I

love you. We had multiple conversations about, you know, future reconciliation, you know, like we were basically trying to heal but say like, you know, this doesn't have to be over kind of thing. We just we're not working right now. Of course, I believed him because me and all the while he's coming home and still sleeping with me he started you know getting the number and going on coffee dates of this chick from his workplace which of course I had no idea about so I eventually move out as does he we leave our home and in the following couple of months we were still communicating every day not every day like a lot and we were still seeing each other so he come around a few times in those couple of months. Yes, we were also still sleeping together. Am I proud of it? No.

Am I upset I did it? No. I still was, you know, madly in love with the guy. After like four years with him, obviously, I'm going to still have feelings. Like this is, you know, this is why we don't rebound. So this is part and parcel of the breakup and separation. Every step of the way, he told me at the beginning, like, I don't want anyone else. I'm not going to look and find anyone else. It's just you. We just need, you know, this break to basically reconnect with ourselves and come back stronger. At the same time, he's also trying to get in the pants of this new chick, right? So during these couple of months, I do, he does tell me about her. I'm like, I've got this gut feeling that like you've slept with someone. And he starts being really fucking

honest about the fact that he has to the point he tells me about their sex like the first time and I just sat there like I meant I went to meet him because he wanted to give me a letter and then we have this conversation in person and I feel like bro bro do you think I'm your bro like why are you telling me this and this was you know like a month into my separation so I like it was so raw for me. I have been basically completely alone. I promised myself that I wouldn't like jump into anything and I just wanted to really heal, right? So all the while this is happening, he's already lined someone else up. He's already started fucking someone else like within lightning speeds. I'm pretty sure my Lala Mu van turned up and by the time we pulled away, he was balls deep

in her, right? There was no separation. Then, unfortunately, I find out he even fucked us both on the same day. Yes, he left her bed in the morning, in the morning a.m. and obviously slept with her. Come around mine in the evening, slept with me. Let's just take a moment, shall we? bear in mind this was my soulmate the love of my life the man I was gonna marry and have children with and yeah he did that to me I found out I went apeshit I made him tell her as well and I was like I'm not fucking having this like you just don't treat people this way and yeah he's basically crafted a micro relationship before I even left my home he's then carried on seeing me sleeping with me, sleeping with her, you know, creating this new blossoming love with her. But then also

whenever he was with me, telling me how much he loves me, you know, like he wants a future with me. He was talking about moving back to the UK in a couple of years. And where does that leave me? He was saying he wants to have a family with me, you know, all this shit whilst also balls deep in someone else. Good man. So this is why this subject is now super topical for me and clearly something that I want to talk about. Firstly, can I just say one of the reasons I wanted us to give each other three months to heal is so this fucking shit show didn't happen. Unfortunately, my emotional intelligence is kind of sky high and I could see it coming a mile off, right? And I don't want to be involved with any other woman. I don't want any other poor,

innocent woman involved in our fucking mess. And I don't want to sleep with a guy that I still had feelings for and was in love with, knowing he just pulled out of someone else's vagina the same fucking day. For me, that is so degrading. It's fucking disgusting. It's diabolical. And I now want nothing to fucking do with him right like I actually felt so dirty and gross after this knowledge and yeah anyway so let's go in let's go balls deep like he was let's go into all the reasons why you should never rebound given what I've just said as well okay number one it reflects badly on you to everyone else. So this is the actual opposite of what you might think. It makes you actually appear very weak, vulnerable, damaged and unstable. So those people that just live in a

string of back-to-back relationships are kind of judged and not taken very seriously. Whereas those who don't do this, those who take the time to heal, that shows strength of character, self-respect and some fucking dignity so you think oh yeah if i'm rebounding look i'm i'm wanted i'm loved i'm people fancy me i'm admired going from a relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship you don't you look weak there are people that are going to be like oh didn't you just finish with that girl four years and now you're appearing you know with this chick okay. It's not a positive reputation. Number two, it completely disrespects what you had with your ex. Obviously, breakups suck. We all know that. Heartbreak is awful. You both are already in a

lot of pain. So why on earth would you want to rebound immediately and add more pain to that someone whatever you two shared together deserves a bit of fucking respect at the end it might be a six months thing it might be a year it might be four years it might be 10 years but you have really invested and shared your life with this person hence why you're in a relationship with them if you're saying you're in love with this person when you spit up that you know the love just doesn't fucking disappear, does it? But also, you've got to still have some respect for that person that were in your life. The fact that you've replaced them so quickly, it's so devaluing to the other person. Because you think, as the other person, like I was, I'm like, I gave you

four years of my life. I gave you my home. I gave you my money. I gave you my body. I gave you my soul. You know, like I helped move you here. I gave you everything. And you literally find a new chick before I've even left our home. So can you imagine the pain that I was going through? It's so mentally damaging. It's actually comes quite traumatic because you're already dealing with a breakup. And that's so painful. But now you're dealing with the fact that, you know, your ex is immediately into this other person, you know, and he would say stuff to me like, oh, you know, she's this, she's that, she's this, she's that. Like, I felt like at one point he was just trying to cause even more damage. And I don't get why you would do that. Why do you want to hurt someone

any more than what they already are? Like, that's just cruel. So yeah, it completely disrespects your ex as a person and what you share together as well. Moving on to point three, it makes you appear like you have zero concern for others' feelings, which are then huge red flags to normal people. If you're looking like you give no fucks, like, oh yeah, I shared a whole life with her, but hey, look at my new one. You look like you don't really actually get emotional depth or people's well-being or maybe you get it but you don't care to people that do feel this way and have these feelings they'll be like oh that's it's a bit off isn't it so like chances are those people around you that are worthwhile will stay far far far away from you at this point

number four rebounds leave no room for reflection growth repair and healing this is like the most important point to me fuck all the damage to your ex if you don't care you don't care but for you personally there's no room left to heal i always use this phrase but it's so true you are putting a plaster on a fucking bullet wound at this point. The blood's going to come out sometime, somewhere. This is not how you heal. And when I talk about heal and reflection, I mean thinking about why did the relationship end? What could I have done differently? How could I have behaved that this wouldn't have happened? Was that person actually my soulmate? Probably not. maybe they were maybe they're not so how do I know then when I do meet the one were my feelings

superficial am I carrying baggage from a relationship from the past from the past from the past was the one I've just split up with a stop gap like you have to really take time to reflect and heal and the healing as well is a part of like working on your I don't want to go all like therapy, but like your inner child as well. So why did I stay with that person? What kept me going there? Why was there a trauma bond? Or why did I keep forgiving whatever they did? Or, you know, why did I self-sacrifice so much? So you can't do any of this really essential shit if you're just busy fucking someone else. I'm sorry, it's not going to happen. You're screwing yourself over by immediately screwing someone else. Does that make sense? Good. Number five,

it pulls an innocent person into your drama and past experiences. Like this poor girl, I feel so sorry for her. Like I just want to give her a hug. And also, I've been that girl. So unfortunately, when I met my ex, it was after he just finished another long-term relationship and climbed straight into bed with me. So it's completely cyclical, right? This is just going on repeat and repeat and repeat. So I was, I guess, the rebound girl. And it fucking hurts because it puts so much insecurity into you.

You're like, oh, I wonder if they're still thinking about their ex. Or, oh, I wonder if the ex is still texting. And let's be honest, of course, they're still thinking about their ex. Of course the ex is still texting. Of course they're still texting their ex. It's been like a fucking month. That's not how relationships, breakups and love work. So if you're the rebound person, like I was, I hold my hands up and you think that they're suddenly enthralled with you and the ex is a complete erased memory, you're fucking delusional like I was. It doesn't work that way. So this poor person, your third person who's now been pulled in, they're completely

innocent and they're now living through the drama. So this new girl that he's got, she knows he come around my house. She knows he fucked me. She knows he slept with me on the same day he slept with her. The poor thing is now embroiled in someone else's sticky, gross relationship drama ending because he can't be alone. Like, how unfair is that? The poor thing is going through this now. You know, she's got hurt. I've obviously been absolutely fucking devastated by it. He's clearly hurt. But this, like, leave her alone, you know? The innocent person doesn't deserve this. It's so not cool. Number six, it is a fake relationship. It's fake. Say that again. It's fake. What? Yeah, it's fake. This is comfort and sex. This is not real emotion. The rebound woman is being used

because the person, the guy is empty and desperate to fill the void, right? At this point, any human will do anyone who gives a blind bit of attention or interest like yep snatch on to her right oh can I just say before you all message me I know it works both genders right I'm not just talking about men rebounding with women we women rebound with men I completely get it unfortunately I'm talking about my point of view as a woman with an ex who's a man who's rebounding with a woman but yes of course please swap the genders out and it still stands the same okay but yeah it's completely fake right and my example is how much of a fake relationship the rebounds are is because he's calling her a sweetheart and his angel and all this stuff to her and then coming to see me or

messaging me saying saying like i can't stop thinking about you um i'm still in love with you I still want you back you know like I want to meet you in 2021 like it can't be real can it because those two states can't coexist and both be genuine so either what he's saying to me is absolute bullshit and he's madly in love with someone he's known a month or that rebound relationship is fake and what he's saying to me is real and she's being used emotionally and physically to fill the void and the pain and the gap that i left when we separated i'll let you decide which one you think it is number seven it causes all members of the rebound triangle pain including yourself so the triangle obviously it's got three points whether you're

sitting on the bottom or the top there's the three of you there you're all in pain all of you what is the point in that like why cause more people more pain um and you're causing yourself pain surely the whole point of getting through a breakup is to heal as fast as you can so that you're not in pain but all the while you're still doing what you're doing and rebounding and can I just say you can rebound and still cut off your ex completely like this is I'm sure quite a unique situation where he kept coming to see me and we were still in contact. And I will hold my hands up. I was still reaching out to him a lot because I was in love with him, because I missed him terribly, because I was in so much pain. So it's not just him, you know, turning up on my doorstep.

I was still constantly also reaching out to him. And I feel like that is quite normal when two people who've especially been together so long do break up but there are cases where people do just rebound and then cut the ex off if you're like yeah well you know I didn't see my ex I didn't fuck her so I was all right you're still going through the rebound motions unfortunately if there's zero time between the two relationships then then it is um a rebound number eight it is destined for failure because of how it started I mean I feel like sometimes I'm the only fucking intelligent one here because I don't mean you guys listening I mean more like in my relationship y'all are definitely intelligent because I'm like the reason I said

to you dude don't do it is because like it's like you're gonna cause a shit show and it's gonna fail and you know what I've done since we split up? I've been alone. I went home alone. I cried myself to sleep every night. I cried myself to sleep in the bath until the water went cold. I sat drinking myself into a stupor. I smoked way too many cigarettes. I was alone. Even now, God, I mean, it's been four or five months, I've only been on like a couple of dates. That's it. Like I've still stayed clear. Not because I'm not worthy of attention. Not because I don't have anyone knocking at my door. Yeah, guess what? As soon as I like was obviously single on my social media, the dms blew up like let's call a spade a spade i chose not to because i know the repercussions

because i've had one too many breakups and i've done the rebound thing when i was like in my early 20s and i know the pain it causes and it's fucking pointless and also for once you know i'm like i'm a 33 year old woman here i am going to deal with shit properly because i want to heal so that when I do meet the love of my life who I will marry and be with, I want to be a fucking whole complete person. And the only way you do that is you make yourself okay alone. And the only way you do that is to be alone. Savvy? So if you rebound, it's destined for failure. This is my example. imagine trying to build a really sturdy concrete castle on a muddy puddle filled groggy grassy marsh for instance right that you can't even put your foot down without sinking into it

why would you try and build a fucking really gorgeous castle on top of that it's just it's not gonna hold it's gonna sink because the foundations are shit to start with take my example, as always, this poor girl will now have trust issues. So if he chooses to stay with her or thinks he's falling in love with her, she's always going to know that he's capable of fucking two women in the same day. And the reason I say fucking and not having sex is because that's how degraded it feels for me. I think it's absolutely diabolical. It is as dirty as that, right? Like I said I'm so totally tea spilling here like she knows that he he's left her a couple of times to come around mine she knows that we were talking she knows that he turns up and sees me she knows

he still has feelings for me there is no way that this is going to end well you know because there's no trust there and it's been built on something fucking shitty and not substantial number nine it destroys any possible hope in the future if you want to get back with your ex now as we all know the human beings are very emotionally driven we have our logic and we have our emotions and when it comes to love emotions obviously ride the wave the most and when you're in pain you can do and say some really crazy fucking awful shit little plug talking about awful shit when you're pain wait till I launch my book lolly Jesus fucking Christ that is some dark love shit FYI it's coming 2021 you basically you can do and say some really horrendous stuff then when that pain

starts to subside and and you realize oh I still like oh no it wasn't all bad like they were really quite nice or oh I I really miss them or like I just you know I've completely fucked up by doing a rebound you have destroyed all hope of ever reconciliation it's not going to happen right it's just not going to happen honestly hounds of hell couldn't drag me back to that man after what he's put me through like I just don't even want to fucking look at him if he had respected my existence enough to do the three months that like he didn't have to promise me that it was a conversation we both shared so you know like he's also broken the promise but if I had the respect from him where I was like Jesus actually he's kind of stayed single he's he's actually a good guy

chances are I'd probably be meeting him when he's asked me to meet him this year not gonna fucking be there now am I mate so yeah destroys any fucking hope of you and your ex getting back together. FYI. Number 10. It doesn't get rid of your heartbreak pain. It just delays it, which is another very, very significant thing. You are going to have to deal with this heartbreak. The person who hasn't rebounded, who has been alone, who has cried themselves to sleep, who has journaled every day, who has been unable to go to work, to focus, to go out, to leave the house. That person is healing. Every day is progress, right? By rebounding, you've got immediate sex, immediate comfort. You feel like, oh yeah,

I really like this person or this person's so good for me, all that. But it's impossible for all the other factors I've just said that this is real. And at some point, that heartbreak pain has to be addressed. You're never going to be your true, authentic, complete self unless you heal. why delay it you know for me I'm like yo I've done my four or five months I'm actually pretty fucking good right now if I had the choice to immediately find someone else and then be like oh yeah I like this person's like so in love with me yeah I just left this relationship and now I got another one because I'm so awesome would I choose that option nah nah I fucking wouldn't No. Because I don't want fake. I want authentic. Because I want to know the next person that I

actually commit to is because they add value to my life. Because I really fucking like them. Because I connect with them. Because it's not a knee-jerk reaction from pain. I'm not seeking comfort. I'm not seeking someone to complete me or fill a hole or fill a gap. I'm like, yo, your call is fucked you can be in my life forever let's have babies or something like that I probably won't ask for babies like by singing it I'd be like hey babies yo maybe I just write it on a post-it like yo here's some baby chat but I don't know I haven't thought that far ahead in case you can tell number 11 comparison you're gonna be comparing your rebound with your ex don't pretend you're fucking not like let's be honest it's the first time you spread her legs you will that looks

different to my ex the first time you lick her out oh that tastes a bit different the first time you have sex with her oh it didn't feel this way oh this is really awkward oh she doesn't do what my ex does oh she doesn't send fucking selfies like my ex does oh she won't let me film her like my ex does oh she doesn't get into that position like my ex does or opposite way oh fucking hell oh, this girl's going for it. My ex was nothing like that. Oh, look how fucking great her body is. My ex was nothing like that. Whatever it is, there is a comparison there, physically and emotionally. So you'll be sitting with them on the sofa like, oh, you know, my ex used to make a funny noise whenever this advert come up. Oh, my ex used to sing this song. Oh, my ex used to watch

this Netflix with me. Oh, or this girl was so much fun. My ex was really shit. But whatever, it doesn't matter which way around it is. You're doing comparisons. Comparisons is not healthy and it's not fair on either party. Everyone has their place, right? You were with your ex for a reason. At some point, you were in love with them, I'm sure. So it's not fair to take their memory by making the new person so fucking awesome. But if the new person doesn't match up because it's just someone randomly you picked up who gave you the first fucking hint that you could fuck them then it's not fair on them to constantly be mentally compared to your ex either like the comparison is the thief of joy think i saw that on an instagram tile number 12 you could actually

be taken advantage of by the rebound person because you are emotionally fucked up confused and you're vulnerable. You are desperate for attention right now, even if that attention is potentially bad for you. So your rebound person could really take advantage of you. You are not you. You're very vulnerable. You're very confused. You're all over the place. You're desperate for some love and some comfort and you're desperate to make this pain go away. So this person, if you know, they're not legit, might even be able to pick up on that and feed off it. So you're kind of exposing yourself, perhaps to even more pain down the line. Like, absolutely no. Number 30, you're being sucked into someone else's life. You've got no clue about you,

what you want anymore, what you feel. You are now being sucked into this other person. So this other person, you know, what's their background? Where are they from? What's their future goals? You know, do they want to travel? What's their job? Does that align with yours? You're suddenly sucked in like a black hole into someone else's life. But you haven't taken any time to really get to know you. Because the last you was when you were in a relationship with the other person, right? So you know you as, say, the partner of Nick Salina. That's what you know as you. then you now know yourself as the guy who's with this other girl and and you're now part of her life and there's no you you know how many times do i say the word you and number 14 just specifically

for singapore singapore is a little small island okay everyone is like a two degree separation so if you are rebounding and you think yeah I found someone that I can hide or whatever you can't even if this person isn't on social media even if this person like you can't hide also because it's such a small island reputation travels very fast so if you are going down this route as I said back in like point one and point three people are judging you and your reputation will be declining because of how you've behaved because it's fucking obvious to people around you when you're rebounding and when you're doing what you're doing and you're hurting these people so just for Singapore alone I would say save your reputation put your dick in your pants

wait it out a little bit and yeah avoid the rebound okay so as for me on the point of this whole episode. Super thankful I found out what I found. It has really, really helped me push forward with my healing process. As I said, I was still part of the game. I'm not going to relinquish my responsibility here. We had split up. I was still reaching out to him. I was still asking him to come round. Oh my God, especially when I got drunk. I would wake up the next day, look at my call list I'm like for fuck's sake Nicks always and I was like just absolutely desperate to see him I wanted to have the I wanted the comfort I wanted the sex I wanted the pain to go away but I never tried to find it with someone else and I certainly had no idea how

much he was playing me off against this other girl I was constantly told he's called it off with her. It's ended. You know, this has gone too far. I love you, Nix, all that shit. And then the next thing you know, they're together like five nights a week and he's screwing us on the same day. So yes. Okay. Thank you for that. It's fine. It's totally fine. What it's also done, which is another, I guess, a bonus point is it's made me really reevaluate the whole relationship because I'm like the level of the lies now and the way you can do that to me and treat me that way now makes me question how much did you lie before you know like it's a course it's human nature you're like if you that if you if you can lie to my face so easily and trust me the lies have gone on for

months the questions I've been asking the conversations we've had it's been lie after lie after lie right so obviously when I found it all out I was like fucking heartbroken again but yeah it just makes you start to question that person in general like wow you are obviously capable of lying so maybe when I asked you about that thing back in 2018 that was a lie maybe that thing you did in 2019 and I got upset about that maybe that was a lie it just makes you question the whole existence and that fucking sucks so on that note don't fucking rebound take some time heal be alone if I can do it you guys can fucking do it and also during a heartbreak I did lose 8kg and literally looked the best I've ever looked so focus on some self

growth get your body in your best shape and be alone because being alone is better than being in a rebound relationship and that's the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick

Selina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy, come say hi.