Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - How Long Should It Take For You To 'Heal' And Move On?

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Is there a designated timeline to healing from heartache? When is the right time to move on?   ​​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com.   Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hello, welcome to me. I hope you've all had a fantastic week. I'm really sorry for anyone who's tuning into this episode tonight who is tuning in because they need to know because then I know you're not okay and that makes me sad it is called how long should it take for you to heal and move on how do I even begin so I am doing this episode because I was having a chat with one of my

girlfriends um a few weekends ago and I am like ranting and raving about my past relationship and basically like why am I not healed why am I not healed I was like fucking raging about it to put it into perspective I was only with him for a year touch just touching a year and we separated 11 months ago 10 months ago now and I'm still like not healed And it bothers me that I'm not healed. I think, why am I not healed? You know, I go through this fail. Why? What am I still clinging on to? And I did, to be fair, kind of get over it by end of summer. And I was starting to feel really good about myself. And I stupidly responded to his emails where he was basically saying he's grieving, he misses me, coming up with all of this

stuff that I had been yearning to hear for a while. And so I agreed to meet him and he basically just sat for an hour, cried his eyes out and brought me all back into the drama. Like I fell for it. And I want to be honest with you because that's, it happens. And I can sit on my pedestal in the studio it's not really a store but you know and I can sit and say you know go no contact with a narcissist and preach to high heaven but it's fucking hard I did go no contact and then that's when obviously he felt from afar my energy my energy shifted and he probably could tell that I wasn't energetically connected to him anymore and that's when he resurfaced with all the apologies that I've deserved for so long I mean this is a a man that really dragged me through

the ringer and cheated and lied lied from day one rageful like when I when I wouldn't stay just turned turned on me for abandoning him I guess and not staying even though he didn't treat me in any way to make me stay and it was almost like I discovered who he really was and what he'd been up to. And he hated me for it. He hated me for discovering this. There isn't much there for me to miss in terms of a relationship. So why am I not healed? And this is the question I think a lot of us have if we're recovering from people that have cheated on us or lied to us, any sort of betrayal, any major thing like it's like, why can I not just move on? And I think there's this like unwritten rule where it's like, oh, it should take you one month for every year that

you were together to heal. So six years, six months. One year, one month. Oh, okay. So basically by May, I should have been really royally over him and it's December and I'm not. How does that work? Throw that fucking timeline out of the window, right? Point one is to get rid of that. all that does is create pressure for you to heal it creates pressure on yourself to think oh my god like why is something wrong with me I'm still attached no you might be trauma bonded and a trauma bond doesn't end every month of the year that you were together that makes no sense usually if you are trauma bonded to someone or it's a toxic relationship or it's a betrayal like the healing is so much harder you know if you're in a relationship

where you just like outgrow each other or you move across the world for the career or you realize you're just not the same or whatever then that breakup is it's it's easier it should be easier because your whole world hasn't been ripped apart if you are in love with someone and you've discovered they're cheating on you it goes deeper than just the relationship it delves into your insecurities. It delves into your self-esteem. It knocks your confidence. It ruins your trust in people. And I'm not talking about just trust in men or women. It's trust in friendships, trust in work colleagues. It really gets its talons into everything about you. So how can you put a timer on when to heal from that shit? So how long should it take for you to

heal and move on it takes as long as it fucking takes there's your answer if you needed a time frame you're not getting one that's your answer it takes as long as it takes I was um when I was offloading to my girlfriend I said to her I am not healed and that's what I've got to accept I am not healed to say that out loud after so long you know it's been 10 11 months since I left him to stay I have not healed I think I almost feel like it was a blip on me for not what's wrong with you then why are you still clinging on and it's not it's just because it was so traumatic I've been through a lot like very very very traumatic and to be blamed afterwards and like it was it's just awful just horrendous and that's okay that I'm not healed from it

But what isn't okay is if I'm not healed from it and I'm doing nothing about that. So for instance, with someone like this, you go no contact. I know this. Everyone in the world of narcissistic recovery knows this. You go no contact. I did and then I got hoovered and I took the bait. So I didn't go no contact. So he resurfaced it all again, was asking to see me again,

was saying that he's grieving and he's in love with me and all that jazz, and I fell for it. So that sets me back. That was not what I should have done. That's not helping me heal. What is helping me heal is doing therapy every week, is realizing that I'm not ready to date anyone. Because whether I want to admit it to myself or not, I am still in love with him. There's a part of me that still loves what I thought I had, that I still love that idea that he presented at the beginning. There's a part of me that's still very broken because I lost what I thought I was losing. And I'm still having to come to terms with that, the fact that that wasn't really real. And the real person, the real him is the one that's causing so much pain and misery and

the one that lies and the one that cheats, that's him. So you just, you have to almost be honest with yourself, right? And it's hard. You don't want to, I don't want to say, oh yeah, you know, my really nasty, cunty fiance, there's a part of me that still loves him because then that concerns me. And I'm like, why? Why would you still love him? What's wrong with you? Why are you so trauma bonded? Why are you such an empath? Where are your boundaries? Why did you let it all happen in the first place. And you can just go really dark on yourself. But that's not what this should be about. The acceptance of, okay, I'm not healed yet, is part of the healing process. It's almost the first step when you go, yeah, I'm not. I'm actually not all right. And I don't care how long

it's been. I'm not okay. I want to be okay. And I want to move on. That's your really good, good starting base. And I say starting base, you could be a year and a half out and having to say this yourself. I don't care how long it's been since you left and the relationship ended. That's your starting base. I am not healed. Okay, fine. Do you want to be healed is your next question. Do you want to move on? Okay, you do. What are you doing to help yourself? So for me, I do therapy every week. I still listen to a lot of YouTube videos that talk me through the trauma bond, that talk me through the lies, that taught me through the narcissism, that taught me through why I was the person chosen by this person. What was it about me that meant that they thought they could

do this? And I still do that. It still helps soothe me when I'm on my own. I've also accepted that I'm not ready to date because if I date now, the person is never going to get the really good version of me. And I want the new person to get the very best version of me. I've also, obviously, as we all should, I exercise as much as I can. I go out with my girlfriends as much as I can and surround myself with people that support me and understand and they let me rant when I need to rant and they bring me up and say, right, like we're going out, we're not talking about him anymore when I need that as well. I don't look on social media. So if you're still stalking social media, that's an absolute no-go. That is not helping your healing process. And I basically

just do everything I possibly fucking can to get over this situation. But what I don't do is give myself a time frame. Yes, I hate how long it's taken. I hate it. I hate the fact that the healing process is almost as long as the relationship itself that seems absurd to me but then I reflect and realize that that's just a proof of how much damage he caused and how much I loved him and that's not a bad thing I shouldn't feel ashamed for loving him the way I did because it was so pure and unconditional and genuine. And that's why it's taken me so long because it was real for me. And I actually feel sorry for him and anyone else who can move on to the next person at the drop of a hat because then I think, because then your

connections are just so surface level. If you have nothing to heal from, then it wasn't deep at all. So yes, how long should it take for you to move on and heal? It takes as long as it takes. And it's all dependent as well on how proactive you are to heal yourself and help yourself. Because really, truly, there's no one else around. There's no therapist in the world that can help you if you are not willing to help yourself. so I would suggest you do what I do which is you know the acceptance part of where you're at but then also the therapy needed the talking it out the making the plans focusing on your sleep focusing on your exercise and getting yourself into a good mental state where you can process with an adult viewpoint of what you've been through and how to get to the other side I promise you now this doesn't last forever I promise you you are going to get past this every feeling and emotion and time it all heals eventually right this isn't going to be you

forever but if you want to make it faster which we all do no one wants to sit in the healing phase for eternity we all want to move past this then you do have to be proactive and help yourself if you're still in contact with that person that's your first mistake go no contact just fucking do it i made that mistake i'm paying the price now just go no contact and focus on your own healing journey by yourself for yourself and that is the end of this episode thank you all for listening if you need any more healing tips or you just want to talk it out with me because we're in the same space please slide into my dms you can find me on instagram and tiktok at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a

thanks for listening to the can't keep my mouth shut podcast produced and hosted by me nixalina i'm recorded in the splice car studios in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more content and features to read, you can check out my website, nixalina.com. That's nixalina.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-M-A to find me.

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