Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - How The F*ck Has CHEATING Become "Normal"?

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

I am OVER it. OVEERRRRRRRR it. What do I need to do or say to stop people cheating on their significant other?  Since when did cheating become a fricking badge of honour for people to boast about?

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina, and welcome to my rant. And it is a rant, ladies and gentlemen. It's a fucking rant. it's called how the fuck has cheating become normalized i am sick to fucking death of hearing stories from these beautiful talented intelligent women about their own personal partners who've cheated or people that they used to be with that cheated or their male partners

who they're still with. They're telling stories of their mates who are cheating. I am fucking sick to death, right? Not to mention my own personal experiences of constantly being fucking cheated on. For me, and for many of the women I talk to, it's like cheating on your spouse has become normalized. And I don't know what the fuck is going on and how we even got there, but I don't remember this ever being something that was a badge of honor. It was, if you cheat on your partner, it is disgusting. It is shameful. It should be regretful. You should be remorseful. No, it's almost like now it's expected. What the fuck? So my personal experience, I've actually been engaged twice in my life. One at 21 years old, one at 34 years old.

The first engagement lasted 13 days. The second engagement lasted five months, both of which were serial cheats yep in fact both of which I think proposed to try and give themselves a clear slate like if I propose then like the cheating didn't happen and like this starts from now yeah except both of them couldn't keep it in their pants even after they proposed right um a fiance in fact actually cheated on every one of his girlfriends ever and seemed to wear that as a badge of honor when he told me drunk he used to go missing um on all of us go off on benders and went off to orchard towers behind my back lied about that as well had escorts calling him yep that was fun um but it's not just the ex-fiance oh no oh no I had a mass student

boyfriend at uni I was into him we were seeing each other everything was great I'm at a club night the uni bar this girl bless her she slips up in front of me and falls ass on the floor so I bend down to pick this girl up and she's like oh your date you're friends with blah blah blah I'm like no I'm not friends with him I'm with him and she was like oh no that's weird because I'm with him I'm like sorry what what now she's like yeah I'm seeing him I was like no you're not because I'm seeing him I grabbed her by the hand I marched her over to where he was standing with his mates and I'm like are you fucking serious and he's standing there like This was a very intelligent, geeky math student, okay?

I had a tattoo artist who has branded me with the iconic, what goes around comes around across my arse. Look, I've got to be honest, that is a regret. That one was a life choice I did not think through. No one should have the word comes near their arsehole tattooed. oh the poor guys that get to do me from doggy and have it as light reading bless you so yeah this tattoo artist I digress um I was with him for six months uh really really good looking Essex boy from the UK really really stunning and um yeah I like met his parents and

only six months in was I like yeah okay I'll let you tattoo me the very next day the very next day I get a tweet, public tweet from the girl. He's still fucking behind my back. He told me was the crazy ex. And she tweeted at me, right, a direct quote from a text I'd sent him that night. She publicly tweeted me my own private text to the guy I was with to prove that she was with him. so nick selena did what nick selena does best i befriended her messaged her and i was like girl let's talk this out because clearly he's told me you're crazy or this certain the other

she spills her story so we both turned up at his tattoo shop out of the blue we lived in different parts of the country and we just uh made a time to meet and strolled into his tattoo shop his fucking face oh it was brilliant it just i've never seen it like it and then he was like i've got a customer and i was like we'll wait oh honey we'll fucking wait and we just sat at the reception chat i was asking you know chatting to her she's very pretty very sweet and then when he was done and he come out and spoke to us do you know what he said he said he was in love with me and she's crazy to her face she's sitting there and I'm like how dare you say she's fucking crazy she's literally tweeted me the text message she was in your car and the text message popped up how are

you getting around that what does she mind read my fucking message to you um yeah called her crazy to her face said he was in love with me and I left him and then he went and hooked up with a webcam porn star, I think. Straight after. Yeah. Yeah. So throughout, I laugh now, right? Because I'm over those situations. I'm not over what the fucking fiance did. But my issue here, right, is that when someone is cheated on, it damages that person in ways that the person doing the cheating has no fucking comprehension, right? So let's take cheating in general. Let's look at it, take away my experiences and all the experiences I've been listening to, especially over the weekend from all the girlies. Let's look at cheating in general. What it does to the person

doing it, right? You are the cheater. It completely transforms how you are seen as a human. You're seen as scum. You think you're God's gift. People will not want to touch you with a fucking barge pole. My pure ex-fiance has not got a hope in hell of living out a decent life on this island because I will always tell my story and because women trust me. And women have already been messaging me saying, please, like, tell me what he looks like or tell me his name. I want to avoid him like the fucking plague. I'm like, yeah, I got you, girl. It's okay? People don't look at cheats and go, aren't you the man? Only the friendship circle of that particular cheat has that opinion and probably because they're cheats too. And it makes it okay

to validate them. I can cheat on my wife. I have a right red letter day. Woo, cheating on my wife. Yo, you're cheating on your fiance. Wait, we're all cheats, right? To the actual normal, decent human beings in the world, you look like scum. And what it does is it invalidates all of your other decent attributes. You might be a very intelligent man. You might be very funny. You actually might be quite loving. Maybe there is an emotional side to you. Maybe there is some depth to your darkened fucking soul. But once you cheat on your spouse and it becomes apparent, or you are playing two women off each other maybe you're not you didn't give exclusivity maybe you said yeah and all you pretended you were but it's casual it's only been three months

only been six months or whatever and then there's another one at the same time going on a different girlfriend a different woman you had taint your image as a human I don't know how else to say it people think you're a fucking knob so this cheating badge of honor that you men have created and I say men and I'm gonna get dms Nick Selena women cheat too I know darling I know but I can only come from my personal experience and it is men that seem to be more prevalent in cheating and actually a lot of men seem to accept that fact as well I'm like oh we're designed to spread our seed. Oh, honey, go fucking spread your little seed. Just don't spread it whilst you have a wife and kids at home. What part of that can you not compute? Spread it all you want, darling. Sleep

with five different girls in one day if that makes you feel like the man. Just don't do it while you got a fiance sitting in bed waiting for you to come round. Don't do it when you've got kids to race and a woman by your side. Do you know what I mean? How have I got to this where I'm having to lay these laws bare in a podcast for the fucking world to understand? Like, I've become the sexual dating trailblazer that actually didn't even know we needed. We didn't need me, but Apparently we do. So here I fucking am, forging a new path called honesty, decency, and truth. And here's the fucking truth. Cheating has become normalized, and it is not okay. So when I'm looking at the man who's cheated, even if they cheated in their past, it already

taints. I think, oh, that doesn't sit well with me, right? And it taints how the man is for other women, like my ex-fiancé is the example. As I've just said, I don't know who is going to touch him for miles now. And he will, of course, like he will find women back to back. He's probably had about 20 different girlfriends since I left him in March to fill up the void, the hollowness that is his true self fine but if you're looking at a woman who has any decency and any intelligence then nah no mate because we talk women talk and women will look at your past you know escapades and be like no thank you so this is leads me on to my other point is cheating comes with lying right you have to lie to cheat you have to lie so then we're going into another realm of how much

it taints who you are as a man because now you're a fucking liar and now you can't be trusted and if someone can't be trusted and they're known to lie there's no respect for you as a human you have no respect at all. And now you're suddenly bottom of the pile as a man, as a human. Why do you want that for yourself? I don't get it. Don't you want to be someone that is honored, loved, respected? Don't you want the woman by your side to be the best version of herself and to support you and to be able to go to her girlfriends like, oh my God, this is the best man I've ever met. Like, I am so lucky every day I get to wake up next to him. Don't you want that?

Rather than, oh, my God, he fucking lied. Oh, my God, he was at Orchard Towers last night and told me he fell asleep for two hours as if he thinks I'm so fucking stupid that I'll believe the bollocks. Oh, my God, he went off on a work trip and he fucked an escort. Oh, he ran off after he had to leave the country and he got to fuck someone else. Why is that the narrative that you want of yourself?

I don't get it. That's one aspect of cheating, how it actually makes you look, right? The second aspect is what you do to the person you are cheated on, the cheatee. Is that it? The cheater, the cheatee? If you know on any level the damage you have done to that woman, I just don't know how you sleep at night. You go out to these brothels and you sleep with prostitutes. you go on dating apps and you find hookups tinder one night stands you go out to the bars say you

with business lunch or clients you've had a bit too much to drink and there's a really pretty girl there and you want to take her to a hotel say your partner goes out on a holiday goes out of town got a free bed time to spare find a hot girl for the night to fill it while you're doing all of that. For you, it's surface level. You are satisfying your needs to spunk, right? To have sex, to feel that warm pussy wrapped around your shaft, right? To validate yourself that you're still hot, perhaps. Perhaps you feel like, oh, I need external validation beyond my partner because I'm an empty hole that needs to constantly be filled. So I'm going to go and fill all of these girl's holes with my dick. All right, cool. That's it for you. What it does to your partner

is it psychologically, emotionally, mentally, and physically traumatizes and damages that person. It's damage beyond something you cannot understand because if you had a shred of understanding, you wouldn't even fucking dream of doing it. What you're doing to that person is you are making them an insecure mess. And then they blame themselves. It is very hard for the person who's cheated on to be able to step back and not take some self-blame. Oh, I should have seen it come in. Maybe I got fat. Maybe I got ugly. Oh, that girl that he slept with was skinnier than me. oh maybe he got bored because I'm his wife now I had children maybe that changed the dynamics I wasn't young anymore my body changed because I gave birth I'm tired I'm dealing with a newborn

I've got a toddler you internalize it you're a decent if you're a decent person and you're loyal and loving you just can't comprehend that someone can do this and it makes you internalize it and blame yourself. And it also traumatizes you for all relationships, albeit friendships or work colleagues or future partners. If you choose to leave the person who cheated on you, you are traumatized to the nth degree because you don't trust people anymore. And it makes your whole relationship seem like a lie. I would have put money on it that my fiance was honestly the best man I'd ever met I just I loved him so much and I thought I've won at life here I found the most incredible man we're so emotionally connected he's so physical this shit and when the bomb

dropped and the whole thing exploded and the reality of the narcissist that he is like this scary level of human now I look back on all those memories and I can't even live in them anymore the happy times I can't embrace them yeah that was a lie that was a lie you couldn't even propose and wait a month without trying to fuck someone else so that's taken the proposal away from me it wasn't real it was cheating since day dot so when he's taking me on these beautiful excursions when he's declaring his love for me it's all bollocks right it's all bollocks we used to sit there and joke with each other like oh god I'd never cheat on you oh yeah if I'd cheat we'd Like, if we tune each other, we're dead.

Like, the other one can kill the other one. Oh, yeah, he's like, I'd hang you, I would. I mean, it sounds sinister, love. It was a joke between us. He was saying that whilst he had already fucking cheated. Think of the psychopathic level of brain I am dealing with. And I had no clue. So when you cheat on someone, what you do is you take away all of the good stuff.

It becomes a cloud. of misery. I can't trust any of those memories. It was all bollocks. Because you can't cheat or serial cheat or pay for prostitutes and love that person you're with. It means when you behave like that, it means you have no empathy. That fucking scary. You have no empathy. It means you put yourself first over that person at all times. It means you think you're such a good liar that you'll never get caught. It means you need validation externally. It means you can't self-regulate. That's also scary. A man who can't self-regulate, oof. It usually combines the cheating, usually comes with other addictions, sex addiction, alcohol addiction, drug addiction,

gambling addiction. They always pretty much come hand in hand. How often do you think these words have been uttered? Oh, it was because of the alcohol. I got so drunk and that's why I slept with her. Poor me. Funny enough, I've got smashed my whole life and I've still managed to keep my knickers on. Yeah, weird that, isn't it? That I managed to go out, drink and, oh, men would try it on with me. Let's call the spade a spade. I'm not the ugly fucking duckling in the back corner. men would always try it on with me. I'd say no, because I'm engaged, because I'm in a relationship, because I'm seeing someone. That's how it works. No, apparently not anymore. It's now become normalised for people to cheat. I don't fucking get it. And these are women that are being cheated

on that are just odd blossoms of women, just stunning, kind, empathetic. And they want to believe the man is good. And often they'll go back and they'll stay because they love him. I had some girls say to me at the weekend, you were so strong to leave. When I told my story, I just met a new couple of girls and they were like, you were so strong to leave. and I'm thinking was I because for me there was no other choice how could I fucking stay I'd already accepted he was an alcoholic I'd already accepted there was addictions there that I couldn't fucking deal with I'd already had to accept that he'd stopped sleeping with me and now I fucking know why because he's making his way around Singapore or as many brothel houses

as he can before he gets home a timely manner has a quick shower before bed it's fucking disgusting how could I stay? I wasn't strong for leaving. For me, there was no other option. But it made me realize that actually, people do stay. Would it have been different if I had actually married him and I'd had a baby with him? Probably, yes. I would have been entangled way more. And I'm so thankful that neither of those things happened. And I get it. I get it when people stay when they have such ties. But for me, when it's so early on in a relationship and you discover them cheating, you don't there's no strength to walk away for me there's no other option you walk and do I sometimes wish I hadn't yeah of course I missed him but I missed the lie you understand that

you can't cheat on your spouse and be a loving caring partner they're not something that goes hand in hand cheating has to be a deal breaker for people because the more it's not a deal breaker the more you stay, you're helping normalize it. And guess what? Honey, if you stay with someone who is a known cheat and you've got evidence they cheated on you, they're not going to stop once you forgive them. It's very rare that they take that and go, oh, well, thank God she's forgiven me. I'll never do that again. It's very rare. Nine times out of 10, they see it as a green lie. Like, I can do what I want. She will keep forgiving me. Off next week. See you later. You know? Listen, there are exceptions to the rule. And I'm sure some people have actually stayed

and worked on it. It depends what type of character you are dealing with. But serial cheats usually have some personality or psychological disorder in there. It will be on a spectrum of narcissism because that's what most toxic relationships end up as. And cheating on repeat on your spouse is a toxic relationship. It's fucking vile. And the person who's going to recover from it, because also, FYI, cheating always comes out. Cheating is always out. Truth out. You will be found out. Don't think for one minute that you'll be able to hide it forever. that that's never the case. Cheating is always outed at some point. But the person who you've done this to, they carry that with them. And that's the bit that really riles me and the bit

I want to get through today's rant of an episode is you have damaged that person. That person now has to get through some trauma recovery. That person has to probably have therapy. That person has to live in rumination of like what happened. They think they'll wake up thinking about it. They go to bed thinking about it. You've caused such deep wounds now. And they're psychological wounds. It's not a fucking scab that you can put a plaster on and move on from. And now we healed a week ago. That's not how it works. You've bred an insecurity level in that person. I wasn't good enough. You've made them question whether they're sexually good enough. Was my sex good enough? Why did he want need more? Why did he want to sleep with me? Why did that? Why was that girl

get in you've made her probably very insecure about her social media like for me god for ages I was looking at people looking at my stuff going is that the girl we cheat on me with is she the one that you cheat on me oh she's really hot you'd probably take her home oh maybe he's fucking her now is that a girl we see now it's so damaging it's awful and I just wish the cheats of the world had any comprehension of what they do to someone because it's not a quick fix either you have to dig your heels in and you have to heal and it's fucking hard and it changes you I hate that I'm such a trusting genuine human that when I meet these people like my ex-fiance I take I know I've been cheated on a lot but he's the most recent one for experience he's probably the worst as well so

is a great example take him I took him as face value he was lying to me from day one he was even lying to me about something happened the weekend before I met him because I found out from the girl who I know down the line that what his story was a complete fucking opposite of what happened so I believed him I like because I trust and I'm genuine and I don't see why anyone would like present a face set a full self you know like I don't you get me as I come I'm here hi this is so what you do is when you're cheated on especially if it happens a lot you you get chipped away at that and then you become cynical then you become a bit skeptic a bit bitter and then you're always looking for the ulterior motive is that a lie was that a lie can I trust you

and then you keep your arms limp or you close off completely and going no one fucking hurting me anymore and you just boundaries up closed off done not letting anyone in and that's sad because that's a beautiful open heart that was once genuine and authentic has now had to be that way because you couldn't keep it in your pants. I don't know how the fuck guys and girls that cheating has become normalized but I am sick to death of hearing these stories and it's constant and I will do anything in my power to keep educating if I have to on the level of shit and damage it's caused to try and stop people doing this and I will educate as much as I can on this narcissistic toxic personality disorder these psychopaths these cluster b personality

types which are more prone to doing this because they need external validation I will do as much education as I can to try and make people aware and just try and stop the mental torture, pain, misery, and damage that is being done to decent women and men out there because they are being cheated on. Please stop normalizing cheating. I can't even believe I've had to do this fucking episode but here we are I've had no choice and I cannot believe in 2022 that is what words are coming out please stop normalizing it prostitution brothels side chicks two girlfriends mistresses and wives it's not okay if you want to go and sleep with sex workers if you want to go and have five women at a different time and do it, but stay fucking single. That's all I'm asking.

I'm not shaming anyone who wants to have multiple sexual partners. I'm not shaming it. Go ahead, knock yourself out. Just don't catch fucking gonorrhea because apparently it sounds horrific. Don't do it, right? But that's not my problem. My problem is when you do it pretending that you are a loving caring family man and that you've built a family with a woman who loves you and a child who looks up to you or a fiance planning your wedding or a long-term partner who's living with you and spends her time planning your days together that's my fucking issue don't do it to her be fucking single grow a pair of bollocks and tell the truth and end the relationship or don't get into a relationship in the first place and just live your best single skanky life,

sleeping with whatever you want. Do it, but don't hurt someone in the process. There we go. That was a long fucking rant, wasn't it? Please, please give me your thought. I know for a fact I'm going to get a lot of DMs on this one. So do slide into my DMs on Instagram as always. I love to hear from you all. At Nick Salina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A. And yeah, share your cheating stories with me. Tell me your thoughts on this. What do you think? Is it normalized now? Am I fighting a losing battle? Am I a relic from traditional relationship ideals of days gone past? Do I have to catch up with the program now or what? Or am I standing up for something which we all need to revert back to let me know your thoughts and i'll see you next week

thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick Selina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A, to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.