Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - How To Be Single

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

Newly single? Or have you been single for a long time? Whilst we're all 'yas free-time, girls nights out and zero man stress' when we're single, it can actually get a little tiring. Dating in itself is exhausting and when it comes to the month of February, those longing pangs for a partner always become that little bit louder. But it's not all doom, gloom and avoiding couples in the street. You can (and you will) make some changes your end to give yourself a little helping hand when it comes to finding true love.  

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships and sex. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I'm Nick Salina-Watson. This is my mantra on how to be single. It's my top 10 tips to help you find true love. I'm not promising if you do these 10 things you'll definitely walk out the door and then he'll fall in your lap and it's prince charming and whatnot that would be wonderful but um let's be practical shall we so hopefully these points will help you on your way to find true love and help you accept

your happy single self so let's kick it off shall we number one focus on your present and not the past it's really easy to spend your spare time stuck in your own head reflecting on all of your bad life choices and all of your bad men from the past. Yeah, I've been there. I think instead, focus on your present. Focus on, I mean, you don't even focus on the future, if I'm honest, because that will add fear into you. Like, oh, I'm going to be lonely forever. I'm never going to find a man again. I don't even say focus on your future. I say focus on the present. Focus on the now. Train your mind to focus and experience everything that you're living through right now. be happy with your current state and understand that the past had to happen to get you to where

you are now and then just trust in your single self right here right now right here right now I don't that sounded like a cat dying at the end um no cats were harmed in the making of that song but I truly believe in your you know like new live in the moment energy I think it's really positive thing and you will probably attract someone to that positivity if you practice it every day. So just be happy, live in the present. I'm pretty sure there's a Buddhist teaching about that as well, that your only state of happy is when you are truly present. Number two, accept negative thought patterns are normal and everyone has them. So whether we're lamenting about our single status or scrolling through social and hating on all the stupid relationship

goal hashtag bullshit, we're creating a huge negative aura about ourselves and our current single state this negative mindset about being single and alone is actually just only going to harm yourself it's going to project negative energy into the universe which we all know laws of attraction that means you're only going to attract negative energy back so the bad man the bad dates the sad memories that they're all going to come flooding in you're going to have negative thought patterns because you are human and it's perfectly normal but rather than sitting back and thinking, oh, why me? Why does nobody love me? I've been there. Focus not on the bad parts. You have to train your thoughts and it's hard for sure, but you have to keep going to

switch to positive points about yourself and your life. So every time you find your mind wandering down this vicious path, oh my God, who is she? Why is this person with him? What did I do? Why do I not look like her? You know, why did I get treated that way? Why is he happy now? Why have I not met someone yet like these are all seriously negative and seriously detrimental so instead think wow I did that like how generous was I how awesome was I that I did that how open and loving was I like I let that person in focus on all of the good points and you have to just keep going at it and train your mind and eventually it does become autopilot and those negative thoughts slowly start to hold less power in your mind and they start to get a lot smaller and a lot smaller and

a lot smaller until they don't exist. Point number three, learn to accept yourself on the whole, all the good and all the bad. So this follows on from your negative thought patterns. Basically, everyone has bad and good in them. Everyone has bad attributes. Everyone has amazing qualities. That's what makes us human, right? So I think it's time to sit back and think, actually, all of your bad points are required to make you exactly who you are. And someone will love you with both the good and the bad because they love you and you can't be you without the negative and the positive elements of you there's no one's fucking perfect for god's sake I mean I think I'm doing a pretty good job of being very close but if you ask all of my 20

billion ex-boyfriends they think I'm fucking mental I mean not just like lol she's crazy as like why is she not in a straight jacket yet I tried once it didn't turn me on we'll move on basically you're not perfect because no one is but when your soulmate comes along because they're not perfect either you'll love all their bad points as well so you two have got your bad and your good points going on and you will find someone that matches you every way and loves all that horrible shit that you thought was so detrimental about yourself they'll think it's other areas. I'll give you an example. When I go off on one, because I'm annoyingly intelligent and it's not a good thing. I'm one of those really annoyingly intelligent people. When I go off on

one at my partner, he just sits and has to absorb the monologue of facts that I reel off like I'm in a fucking court of law. And I'll always win. Always. In three years, there's not a single argument he's won. And he ends up finding it really funny. And he always says to me, he doesn't want to tell me at the time but he almost wants to like laugh with happiness because he thinks it's so astonishing slash so amazing that I can go but I'm angry at him like I'm not I'm going fucking ape shit right but he's sitting there like oh oh her isn't she so intelligent I don't know why he finds the the best in me if I'm honest I'm not really sold myself at all as a good girlfriend throughout this whole podcast experience so fuck it but yeah all the stuff that I hated

he's like no it's like I like it so it will happen to trust me it will happen accept yourself someone else will also accept who you are you've got to accept yourself first you have to drop the resentment and you have to embrace everything about yourself learn to love it and then bam that's when you'll meet him I promise I'll lead it on from this is point number four you've got to accept that he will serve bad points as well it's not just you you're not so different to everyone else, there'll also be bad points about him. They won't tick all of your 20 boxes. So you've got to stop and think, perhaps, are you single because your standards are unachievable? For instance, wouldn't you be really hurt if your soulmate decided to not call you back because you

didn't quite earn the amount of money that they wanted you to earn? But, you know, loved everything else about you, but you just weren't quite rich enough. Like, how hurt is that, you know? Or you don't have a degree. And they said, oh, I can only be with someone who has a degree, but I love everything else about you. It's a shame you're not degree educated. It's not fair. It's not right. And I think everyone should just throw that tick list away completely and take each other for who they are as they come and then work out how you feel from there on in. God, aren't I such a nice person? Number five, don't just pretend not to be desperate. Actually stop being desperate. So if you go around telling every single person that you meet including the lovely lady at 7-11 counter

that you're categorically not desperate for a man if you're desperate everyone's gonna know anyway because it's a vibe you give off men I swear men have a desperate sixth sense they can smell it on you so I spent my 20s as a single girl like desperately wanting to find love like absolutely I was desperate to find love going around like oh I don't care I don't like I'm fine and yet every guy was like you know you're too much you know you just seem desperate but I acted in such a non-desperate way or at least I thought I was but yeah it's a fucking vibe let me tell you so rather than not acting desperate just say like I'm not gonna be desperate it's not a case of not having to go I'm I won't act it I won't act it I won't act it and I just don't be it if he stops

texting you be okay with it if he cancels the day you almost forgot in your diary anyway you know if you learn to step back from the situation and understand the element of what will be will be if you understand that your true love as cringy as it sounds will come along and if something's not working out now then that's because that's how it's supposed to be if you accept that and you sort of learning as the rest of points you're living in the present you've accepted yourself for who you are, then the desperate vibes will definitely soon disappear, which in turn makes you way more attractive to the opposite sex. So how awful is that? Your single self is stopping you from finding someone and not being single. Oh, the universe is a bitch, isn't it?

Number six, say yes to the dates. All the dates. Just say yes. Go on all the dates. I know dating can be tiring you've had bad day after bad day after bad day there's this twat on bumble there's an absolute fucking moron on tinder you've even gone on inner circle coffee and bagels all the other stuff and you got fucking idiot idiot idiot they either want to shag you or they're boring or they don't want to talk to you or they're narcissistic or whatever it is right Dating is exhausting. Doing that for years, like years and years, it just grinds you down. But let me tell you, the issue with this will be,

if you decide enough is enough, I can't be fucking bothered to date anymore. These are all fucking morons on this island. That one guy that you decide you just can't be arsed to go and meet, I bet he will probably be like the eighth guy out of the previous seven. He's actually a really good one. Like it's just sod's law, basically. because put it this way true love isn't gonna you know trip into your front door unannounced and sweep you off your bloody sofa so you're gonna have to keep going out there anyway and sure 15

16 20 35 bad dates is shit but then if you get that one good one i'm telling you it's totally gonna be worth all the other crap just say yes to the date you're not overly sure run you're not wasting your time you can't predict real life chemistry a case you're not fussed about his photo okay so he doesn't really push your buttons and there's certain things you're not happy with just say yes and go and then see what happens after you've gone on one first date you are under no obligation to continue communication or go on a second date at all but when I say say yes to the dates just at least the first one okay for me give it a go would you and then moving on from dating point number seven is to yeah give the dating apps a go I just listed a whole load off in the

previous point dating apps is a whole different ball game and it's a fucking minefield I get that um I'll do a whole other podcast on dating apps let me tell you they're not all bad people have found love on there in fact a friend of mine they've been together three years they met on tinder so and they've moved to Europe together now so I mean like there are love stories out there so it's it is worth trawling through the shit for I think the first thing to do is address your own profile. So look at your photos. Does it say girlfriend material? Are you falling out of a club with booze in your hand? Are you giving off the vibes looking for someone like, oh, I want a relationship? Or do you look like you're saying I just want fun? Do you express who you are

properly in these photos? Is your bio well-written? If you listen to episode two, talk about how to nailing your dating app profile, especially your Tinder one, also applicable to Bumble. So do listen to that and take all the notes from that one and really ace your dating app and I reckon once you've addressed your profile and once you've addressed what kind of guys you're swiping to you might start getting better results because let's be honest you're the common denominator in the bad date swipe so there's something you're doing or swiping to that's collecting all these arseholes so you need to start addressing your type look beyond the norms of what you'd originally go for. And then hopefully get yourself out of that vicious cycle. Okay, number eight. This is

an important one, ladies. Learn to leave when alarm bells start ringing. So given how much you're so desperate to be loved, which I was, so honestly, it's a judgment-free zone in here. Given how desperate you are, you just want to find true love. You want someone to be yours to love you forever especially if you've been single for a long time it is so easy in this mindset to ignore certain warning signs in light of then keeping that man around if he I don't know has a short temper if he's always broke if he always wants to get money off you if he seems to bitch about your friends and your family if he hates how you dress if he always goes through your phone like there are just warning signs that appear that you can pick up on if you are objective in your search

love if you're emotionally invested already because you just don't want to be alone you're going to learn to ignore these warning signs you have to open up and accept that bad shit happens look out as basically protect yourself and it's like a prevention is better than cure right so when you see any issues where you think this might not be good for me leave don't hang on just because he's the only man you're talking to at the time or he's the only one giving you attention and you don't want to be alone. No, you are worth so much more than that. Trust me. Number nine, indulge in some pampering me time. So superficial bullshit, I'm really not a big fan of. It's not going to exactly help you find true love because true love is, of course, about an emotional connection with

someone else's soul as well. But I think self-love and confidence is key in finding your single self, your happy, attractive single self that will then help you find someone. You need to feel good about who you are um well we've got rid of all the negativity right in the previous point so we're kind of really here right now we're happy we're not desperate so now we got the confidence sky high personally let's perhaps do some pampering so i usually change my hair when i'm feeling in the mood to find a reinvention or i wear different eye makeup or i uh put different nail varnish on or i go to the shops and i try a different outfit that i wouldn't usually wear things like that it's a really good feel good vibe for yourself to like it sounds so stupid but yeah just reinvent

yourself a little bit you know like why not change your nail salon get different colored eyelash extensions or where learn go on youtube and look at hairstyle tutorials and wear your hair differently you know this kind of stuff it's just small things even if you go and invest in a new mascara or you you spend a bit more money on a product or something refresh your image because it needs to match your new single mindset. And with that confidence inside, when you feel really good on the outside as well, it's just such an extra natural boost. Like I absolutely am here for it. Even if you just spend a day pampering, hair mask on, face mask on, that kind of stuff as well. Like do carve time out for yourself, me time and pampering. It's really important.

Okay, final point number 10. Never consider a bad day or a short fling a failure. So this is my it's my final point if you do continue dating and they all keep going horrendously wrong don't internalize it say it's a bad thing you know like oh I had a really bad day that day was a disaster oh I've been with someone three months what a waste of my fucking time that ended never consider it a failure and never blame yourself for the outcome everything is a lesson to learn even if it's a painful one so you got to keep on going you got to keep being positive and experience all of this new stuff, bad and good, and just go, right, I'm going to learn from it. Keep an open mind and just trust in the universe to deliver to you what you deserve and what you need

exactly when you need it. So no date's a bad date. It's a learned date. No fling is a bad fling. No breakup is a, everything's less than okay. That was horrible. But what do I take from that to move forward? So if you keep all of this in mind, keep your heart open, keep your mind open, keep yourself positive keep the negative thoughts away indulge in yourself love yourself and focus on who you are as a person before finding any man love will soon come flooding in and i wish all the best when it does because it is magical and that's the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex in singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena watson and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore we're available on apple

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