Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - How to Get Over Someone Who Cheated on You

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

Being cheated on by your partner, albeit short or long term, is one of the most devastating situations that someone can go through. Here's how you can start to recover from this painful experience and get over that person, to move on to healthier, happier future memories.  You know where I am if you need me: @nixalina 

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina. Welcome back to another Monday evening. This episode is not as cheery as some of my others, but I think it's something that we should all be tabbing into and understanding and helping each other and ourselves with. And it's called How to Get Over Someone Who Cheated on You.

Now, if you listen to my recovery and healing episodes from a toxic traumatic relationship, you might see there's an overlap in the stuff I'm going to talk about today. But that makes sense because being cheated on is traumatic. And someone who cheats on you is probably not the nicest person. I'm saying that very slowly because I'm trying to make sure that I don't like, I understand cheating is not black and white. I understand cheating isn't always like the worst thing on the planet however in my eyes it really is personally I think cheating is just the lowest of the low really scum of the earth

move that's my personal opinion I think if you're going to cheat on someone you might as well just accept the relationship doesn't exist for you like if you can have sex with someone else while you're in a relationship, then the relationship is broken. So be honest and get out of it. Don't just cheat on people. So for me, being cheated on is extremely traumatic. I have been cheated on a fair few times. And as we all know, my last ex actually overlapped me with this new girl because you know zero respect for women but being cheated on even if you find out there and then or you find out years later it's it's it's hard um often you're cheated on and that's what ends the relationship and this is I guess where this episode is directed at so scenario been together

couple of years for some reason you start going for his phone or you check his social whatever and then somehow it all comes out that he's actually cheated on you and then the relationship is then over it's so difficult because it's something that you weren't planning for it's something that you didn't expect it's it's often out of the blue then you deep dive into why and the how and how long it's been going on and why did you do this to me and what did I ever do to deserve this and then you deep dive into like why am I not good enough why am I not worthy of loyalty why did I you know not see this coming then you also deep dive into like imagining that person with that person you play over and over in your head like you're intimate with this person and

you're this person's now intimate with someone else and it's it's mind fuckery to the eighth degree honestly it's awful so how the fuck do you get over that let's go shall we because i've got some pointers that i reckon is going to really help and um it comes from experience so yes here's how to get over being cheated on point one cut all contact cut all contact and change your number if you have to it's very dramatic i understand that especially number changing this person's cheated on you they are not your forever they're not your soulmate i'm sorry if you thought they were i'm sorry if it was a 10-year relationship i'm sorry if you've invested your whole life this person is not your soulmate. Therefore, cutting contact is the first thing you have to do on your healing

process. All the while they're there trying to beg for you back, claiming it was a mistake, claiming they won't do it again. You're going to be opening yourself up to being hoovered right back in. You're also opening yourself up for a dialogue to let that person come around into your life, honestly, once they've cheated on you, it's a broken relationship. The trust isn't there. It's a very rare case where you can get that trust back. Very, very rare, if not impossible, after you're aware that your partner has cheated on you. I couldn't possibly do it at all. That, for me, is a bloody deal breaker. So, cut all contact. It's the start of you accepting you're on your own accepting your new your new life and you cut that bastard out

fucking brutal it really hurts it's like being weaned off a drug i'm assuming for a drug addict i can imagine that's the level of like going cold turkey but it's the first and most important step cut all contact that includes social media okay point two do not stalk that secondary woman or man do not compare yourself it's not actually about them it really isn't it's about the person doing the cheating and usually the person they cheat on you with is someone like so below you in the nicest possible way like usually it's someone that you're like, are you serious? You wouldn't even think they would look at them twice in the street. And you're like, ew, really? Really? So rather than internalizing that and be like,

oh my God, he's chosen that over me. No, no, no, no, no. The person who cheated, that's their fucking bruised ego. That's their need for attention. That's their need for someone to stroke their fucking pride. That is nothing on you. Do not compare yourself. So rather than even having to, if you find out who it is, I'm sorry, that sucks. But if not, don't hunt for it. Don't try and find out. It's so hard to do, but stop yourself stalking that other person. Just be like, it doesn't matter who it is with. The fact that you cheated is enough done. Because by opening up that can of worms, you are going to start causing yourself even more pain and insecurities or rage when you realize how ugly they are and you're like what the fuck and so you either got

like pain or rage two emotions we really don't want point three do not reach out to aforementioned secondary person okay worst thing you can do because it's not your problem it's not your shit if your partner is the kind of person that can do that chances are they've told this this third person a lot of shit they've lied to him or they oh my my relationship's really bad or oh she makes me really angry or oh i'm the victim oh my god i just want to get out but i can't whatever they've fucking fed this person who they've cheated on you with that person's gonna believe them you are in no place to want or need to reach out to him. You're going to want to be like, did you know he said this? Did you know he said that? You're going to want it because you're filled with so

much frustration and disbelief and anger. Don't do it. Just be like, okay, honey, here's your problem now, sweetheart. Don't reach out to him. I promise you, it's a bad decision. point four do not get drunk do not get drunk the reason why you shouldn't get drunk is because one you probably do actually really want to get drunk off the bat um because obviously alcohol and you know people use it for self-medication purposes and you know take the edge of stuff but actually it's a depressant it's going to bring up all those emotions that you don't want to bring up and it's going to bring them all to the fucking surface you're going to be out of control when you're drunk so you're going to probably do and say stuff you regret and it's going to fill you

with more anxiety and shame and regret and sadness once you soar it up and you're hung over if you can don't get drunk because it's like yeah adding gasoline to a fire at this point number five as a reiterated block and delete him off every app and i mean instagram facebook pinterest linkedin whatsapp if you met on dating apps and you're still on there i'll match him off there you've got to wipe the slate clean here not because you're evil and you've immediately forgotten them not because you want to act like they don't exist it's for your own healing it really is for your own healing this is what this is about and whether they like it or not i don't give a shit you have to block them off everything i don't care if it looks pathetic i don't care if

people like oh oh she's unfriended her partner on facebook oh she's changed her status to single i don't care do what you gotta fucking do for you and that also means unfriending all of his mates as well and her mates you don't want to see photos of him like having a great time with the new person you don't want to see photos even if you saw photos of him sad you don't want to see that either because that's going to pull at your heartstrings all of this is no good for you so block I mean it are you listening to me I fucking mean it you block him of everything do as you're child. Number six, you got to understand this is trauma and you need to heal. So many of us are like, oh, it's okay, whatever, I'm fine. Like he was a scumbag or okay, you know, I actually don't

care. Oh, well, I didn't really love him anyway. Or, oh, it was all going downhill anyway. And we try and mask the pain. Actually, no, don't do that. It's much easier to sit with your friends and be like, yeah, I'm fine. Like, it's fine. I'm fine. But you're not fine. Do you know why? Because you had a really traumatic experience. Because you were betrayed at the highest level by the person you were supposed to be closest to and most intimate with. You were lied to. And if it was cheating on like long-term affair cheating, oh, it's fucking painful. it's traumatic it's something that you are going to have to heal from and I mean time and a process and a journey not like okay I'm fine next day well I'm gonna I know I'm gonna fuck someone else that

will help it won't help at all except it's trauma this is a whole point on itself because people don't want to admit it's traumatic. And it is. Number seven, part of your healing process is to sit with every emotion. That includes rage. Yeah, that bad boy is going to be around a lot. You need to sit with every fucking emotion and experience it to then process it. Okay? Every emotion. you're going to be devastated you're going to be frustrated you're going to be so angry you're going to want revenge you're going to want justice you're going to want to tell the truth you're going to want to shout it from the rooftops you're going to want to talk it out and talk it out and talk it out you're like there's so much going on please don't try and drink it away or fuck it away

by jumping into bed with someone else immediately you know to prove your value like oh hey you cheated on me but look I can get a dick straight away aren't I great no no no he's heading for disaster that's rebound territory and you need to listen to my episode on why rebounds do not work and should never be done after a breakup you need to sit with every single emotion accept it breathe through it and ride out those fucking low days and ride out the high days and accept one day you're going to be feeling great and fuck him and the next day you're going to be a mess and you have to just sit with it please just process every emotion that comes your way and and and accept how you feel because that is part of the healing process and makes it a lot

quicker for you to eventually recover you're not running away from them emotions you're accepting them that's why it's going to be quicker to heal for you number eight journal journaling helps it helps a lot i talk about it a lot on my social media and lots of other episodes but journaling is like having three therapy man you write down every day how you feel i'm fucking angry oh my god i saw a picture of that girl i can't believe that's who he chose to have sex with i can't believe that's who he cheated on me with i can't believe he did that to me after everything I've done for him. Oh, I'm really sad. Oh, I miss him today. Today I really fucking miss him. I miss the affection. I miss his cuddles. Oh my God,

maybe I'm never going to meet someone again. Whatever you've got in your head, write it all down. It's so incredible to get it all out. It's very cathartic, the whole process. You can be very deeply honest with you and your journal and like no one else is obviously going to be able to tap into that so you can say what you're fucking like you use that journal as something every day to just even if you just do it every morning over coffee to just get stuff out it really does help release it from inside and the great thing about it is it also means you can look back and go well fuck me look where I was six months ago I am not that girl anymore at all you know you can be like damn look at my growth and that makes you feel really good because you're like when you're in

a thick of it you can't see your way out but then when you look back and you're like well actually a month ago I was feeling extremely different so this is interesting I can tell the healing process is actually working journal free bloody therapy I'm telling you just try and do it even not every day every couple of days or even just weekly if that's all you can manage but really give it a go. I implore you. Number nine, shift the blame. When you get cheated on, it's so easy to blame yourself. You must understand with every fiber of your being, it is not your fault. Because even if the relationship was a fucking shit show and a disaster, no one deserves to be cheated on. The other person could have gone, look, I'm not happy

anymore see you fucking later you don't have to be like cheating on is just the worst thing to do to someone especially someone you say that you love and you pretend you want to be with them forever and you call them your soulmate and lover your life and then you're putting your dick somewhere else victim shaming and blaming on ourselves is really adds to the trauma of what you've gone through shift that bloody blame back onto that person i am worthy i am whole i was loyal I got cheated on not because of anything I did or didn't do I got cheated on because that was his active decision because he has zero respect for me and fuck him shift that blame also this isn't just to make you feel better like oh I'm gonna pretend it's his fault but no no facts

he is to blame she is to blame not you number 10 talk it out along with your journal i encourage you to get a therapist if you can't afford a therapist because they're bloody expensive in singapore then you can find online forums and support groups and chat places where people have gone through the same experience or just talk it out with your closest friends and family you really can't bottle this up you have to keep talking it out and honestly you will probably be talking it out for months and months and months you've got to find people that really love you and are going to be okay listening to it because this is part of the healing process you go over it again you ruminate and ruminate and ruminate

and oh my god and oh my god and this and that and what if they're having sex right now oh my god oh my god oh my god what talk it out get someone's outside perspective get people to listen to you and that is I it is part it's like that's why talking therapy exists because talking is a part of the therapy concept so talk it out with people don't bottle it up point number 11 do not take them back ever okay i tried it it doesn't work the trust is broken broken not it's not bent it's not it can't be sellotaped back to you it's broken it's fucking shattered it doesn't even exist anymore the trust is broken there is nothing more betrayal in that level than to be to be intimate with someone else behind your back and lie about it. Do not take them back. Do not take

them back. Okay. Point 12. Fill all of your newfound time with awesome fucking stuff. Hello, you're now single. You now have all this time on your hands where you used to like be invested in what they want and who they want to do. You can get rid of all that. Get rid of all that. You're like, shit, man, I've got all this time on my hands. I'm going to take up a hobby. I'm going to go dancing with my friends. Pre-COVID, miss the bars and clubs. Bring back our clubs. I want to go hang out with the girls. I want to go for a bike ride on my own. I want to play a sport. You've got all this time to yourself. Do something fucking awesome with it that makes you love your own life love yourself and be fucking grateful and see it as a blessing that

that relationship ended don't sit at home wallowing granted that healing starts especially the first three months you're probably going to be a shell of a woman but when you get through that you're like well fuck me i want to start try this even if you wanted to take up archery i've always wanted to do archery go for it you've got no one else to please anymore except your bad self so go out and fucking please yourself as much as you want number 13 don't play the victim once you've got onto your healing process and you're in this headspace now where you're like well damn like cool I'm okay it's still very easy to be like oh I got cheated on you know especially if you start dating someone oh no um I actually got cheated on you put yourself into a victim mindset

it's tricky because you are a victim but also in the same score you're not a victim you just was with someone who's a bit of a fucking dick so drop that victim mindset if you are dating a new person you know why did they why did you break up with your ex very simple or it just didn't work out that's all you got to say okay yeah it ended up he wasn't actually a very nice person done don't put yourself in victim mode because that will perpetuate more victimness you know because what you put out you attract we're dropping all that negativity you're not victim your ex is a fucking knob end of it number 14 don't romanticize what the fuck he's up to now chances are he's not doing okay leopards don't change their spots and even if he has or it looks

like he's having a fucking great time just remember it wasn't good for you it doesn't matter whether he's like, oh my God, I found the one again on social media or whatever he's up to. He was toxic for you. She was toxic for you. And that's all you got to bear in mind. Don't romanticize his fucking new relationship or his new life or whatever. Don't compare. It's not, it's literally not of your concern anymore because he's a cheat. She's a cheat, right? Who the fuck wants to be with a cheater. Who the fuck wants to be with someone that low? No, don't even concern yourself with what they're up to now. But if you've done all the other steps, you've done your healing, you've done your journaling, you've talked it out and you've blocked them off everything,

you won't even be concerned or looking at what they're up to. You won't even know what they're up to. Number 15, give yourself the closure they never did. So this is very important. when you feel that you've reached that end of that painful part of the journey you can give yourself closure we always seem to think closure comes from the other person you want you desperately want them to come to your front door and say look I'm so sorry and I did this and I did this and I'm so so you want that that you want that control that ego boost you want to be validated that you're not the one in the wrong you want the closure their chances are if they're a cheat they're not going to give it to you. In fact, they might even blame you and say, well, you made

me cheat. Oh, you did it. Remember that time you pissed me off? You're the reason I cheated. What you can do is you can learn to give yourself closure. And it helps, especially with the journaling, when you write or talk it out, okay, this is how I feel about the situation. I'm really glad that experience happened to me because I now feel this, this, and this. I'm now grown into the woman I was always destined to become I am now the kind of empowered independent single person that I've always admired and loved and I knew I could do it this process gave me the growth to level up my life that I didn't even know I needed give yourself this very wholesome positive closure that actually it was a really good thing to happen to you and take that positivity away from a bad

experience and away from a bad person and put it all into yourself and give yourself closure like hey wasn't the one and sort of just start focusing back on yourself again and understanding that like they weren't the one I know you thought they were they weren't and give yourself that chapter of closure for you for nobody else but you and finally number 16 love yourself loving yourself is such a honestly it's actually harder than what we all think it is but it's such a bloody important thing to actually get to grips with if you've got old like inner child wounds you have to heal or you know you've really struggled through this cheating traumatic experience learning to actually wholesomely authentically love yourself is going to be the best feeling

you can ever have and it's going to help you rise beyond this you will drop that victim mindset it. You will completely detach from that person because you love yourself so much. You're like, why would I ever emotionally attach myself to someone like you who can cheat on me? Why would I ever put myself in that situation again? Why would I ever blame myself for being cheated on as if I'm the one with the problem? No, no, no, no, no, no. When you love yourself, it's just these feelings of like inner peace and happiness and positivity and your whole vibration changes and your whole energy changes and you will soon realize that this could have been actually the biggest blessing in disguise that you never knew you needed so on that note go forth do the

healing. Get over being cheated on. And as cliche as it sounds, you can level up and get ready to live your best life. Because I promise you, if you do the work, you will be in this place. Thank you for listening. That is the end of this episode. If you have been cheated on or you're currently going through a breakup, being cheated on, I'm always here to talk it out with you. Please DM me on Instagram at nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A. Bye. thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new

episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick Selina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.