Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - How to Unlearn Toxic Behaviours in Relationships

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

WOAH. Big subject.  Can you even actually unlearn toxic behaviours? If so, HOW? Let's discuss shall we...

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast, and I am Nixalina. Hi, it's Nixalina. Welcome back to another episode. Thank you for tuning in. As always, I love you all. today's episode was suggested by one of my listeners I did a poll on my Instagram and said hey guys what would you like me to talk about and gosh by the way some of your suggestions were flame like I'm so here for it and this one in particular is like a lot and I'm like damn I

can't believe I haven't done this before so this one is called how to unlearn toxic behaviors wow well fuck we are going in deep how to unlearn toxic behaviors that's a lot isn't it question is how do we even tackle that subject to begin with okay as always I'm going to go from my personal experience I am going to group here I'm going to group here what another person asked me to talk about, which was parent, daddy, mommy issues, parent issues, which I believe stems then toxic behaviors in your relationships and creates a cycle and a pattern for your relationships. Whatever negative pattern you're in, it's got to be negative, of course, because it's a toxic behavior. And then how do I learn it? So for example, if you have an upbringing

in where you have an absent parent or a parent that's emotionally unavailable, or you have a feeling of abandonment, or perhaps you have multiple siblings and you feel like you're constantly fighting for attention or food at the table. Perhaps you were raised by a narcissistic parent. Perhaps you were raised by an alcoholic or someone who's depressed. Whatever it is, I believe, and I could be wrong, but I believe a lot of our toxic behavior stems from something in our childhood, right? I understand there is also an element to your makeup as a human. It's the nature nurture argument at all times. Are you born that way or are you raised that way? But a lot of our conditioning on how we interact with humans and how we see the world is, of course, stemmed

from how we were raised as kids. So then your pattern of behavior starts to reflect part of your childhood if there is any trauma. And often, in a very fucked up manner, you seek relationships that are negative, that mirror the negative aspect of your childhood. So rather than going, that was awful, I want the opposite, you go, this is all I know. This is comfort to me. This is comfortable. And by the way, this is all subconscious, right? As you've got no idea you're doing it.

But you're like, I was very comfortable there in that space. That's all I know. Then you seek that out in your partners. And you soon realize, like, shit, I'm always with a man who is emotionally unavailable. Always. I'm always with a man who cheats. I'm always with a man who doesn't see my worth. I'm always with a man who won't be physically affectionate. And you have to go through these toxic behaviors and these patterns to start realizing there is a cycle. It is cyclical. And when you can start to see that pattern is when you can start to unlearn it. So until you

can reflect and look back, you're not going to understand or see the toxicity in how you address your relationships. So for me, I started reflecting on the fact that I always find unavailable men and they always lie to me and they always refuse to be physically affectionate. I'm always the one chasing the relationship I'm always the one desperate for love and attention and being fed scraps I'm always the one you know like their frontline cheerleader when they're not back in my corner and everything and I started to understand that like I have no boundaries no fucking boundaries as a woman if someone loved me I felt that was enough I love you right done and I gave them everything. I never put in any self-respect of like, these are my values. If you

don't fulfill these values, I won't be with you. Never, ever, ever. And it was probably because I craved some emotional availability that perhaps I didn't have as a childhood or felt like I didn't have as a childhood. Perhaps I chased someone like I felt I had to validate myself by their love and their opinions and their decisions on my self-worth. I had really no understanding on believing in my own self-worth. It was always validated by the man. If you don't think I'm good enough, I'm not good enough. If you think I'm not lovable, I'm not lovable. I could never go, I'm fucking lovable I am good enough if you don't see it that's your problem fuck you never ever and that's probably why I was with you know a fair few abusive men like physically abusive men

you know because there was zero boundaries so to unlearn such toxic behaviors like this that I was putting myself through I went to therapy which I've done probably sporadically throughout my 20s and early 30s but therapy helped me look back and learn these cycles so it was like you know why do you think you did and said that why do you think you put up with that okay so how was your childhood talk to me about your parents talk to me about your upbringing well you know and we just delved into the files and sometimes guys it's not fun therapy ain't fucking easy my ex tried to go with me for couples counseling. I sat listening to him lie as per hashtag narcissist to the therapy, the therapist about something that happened between us. And he started to twist

his own narrative. And I was like, what the fuck? That's exactly not what happened. Then decided he should have some therapy on his own because I'm like, dude, I think you could really benefit. And of course, after two sessions, he's like, fuck this shit. This is bullshit. I'm not doing it anymore because he couldn't handle addressing his own demons he couldn't fucking handle it serving yourself your own narrative and living in ignorance is so much better than going back and being like you were unloved as a child or you were emotionally neglected as a child or you have a personality disorder you have an obsession with money because you were brought up broke or whatever it is you know it's so hard to address that but if you want to unlearn these toxic behaviors you

have to find the root cause of why they're happening in the first place and that is key and that's exactly what I did so I remember just being so dedicated to my therapy my journal I was like I am going to fucking figure this out and I am through with crying myself to sleep at night Having a man that, you know, doesn't show up for me, won't talk to me, silent treatments me, finds women on Instagram, you know, like pervs, talks about wanting to fuck other girls. Like, I don't want this anymore. And sadly, the reason he did all that to me was because I let him because I put up with it. Right. I screamed.

I cried. I ranted. I raved. I kicked him out. but there was no real boundary there I always took him back I always fell for the bullshit like we wouldn't have been where we were if I hadn't have been the way I am so to learn this I started just like I said delve back in realized what many of the issues were for myself realized the kind of man I am attracted to and basically it's unavailable I am attracted to

unavailable men and I think that's a lot of them it's I know I'm not on my own on this you know like girls love a bad boy yeah we fucking do are you bad then come to my bosom but it's that craving of being the one that I guess can charm and and hold the person who's unavailable like he changed for me. I'm so fucking special that I got him, you know? And it's very, very destructive and never going to happen because no one would change unless they want to change. You can't make anyone fucking change. You can't make anyone who has a serious mental dysfunction become healthy and loving. You can try for four years. It don't work. But what you can do is look at what you do in that relationship. What did I do? What did I give? What didn't I give? Why did I let that happen? Why was

I okay with that? Why did I stay? Why did I come back? Why do I still fancy them? Why do I still love them you go through it for me the two key factors as I always say is writing a diary and getting therapy also talking to all of your friends and your family people that are willing to listen doing research actually online you know if you googled why am I attracted to unavailable men, or the narcissist and the empath, or why is my, you know, why is my partner an alcoholic, or I don't know, like any, I'm trying to think of any possible thing. If you Google it, there'll be so many things online where people are sharing their stories, where therapists and psychologists are having their professional input, and you can really start to understand your own pattern of

behavior then you want to unlearn this and trust me after everything I've just spoke about what's that 10 minutes of all that shit unlearning it that's even harder this ain't fucking easy guys like this is going to be even harder than understanding and going back into your childhood and looking at all of the toxicity and looking at the cycle and understanding that's nothing compared to unlearning it. I will share that when I met my partner, he is such a kind, loving, genuine, authentic human. It freaked me out. We had so many conversations about how it freaked me out. And I many times wanted to run a mile. And it was so odd. It was like a battle in my head for the first few weeks because I didn't understand this safe space. For instance, never

think about checking his phone ever. Don't give a shit. Don't even need to. And this was something that was so prevalent in my last relationship, checking the phones, you know, reading each other's diaries, like really invading privacy. I don't ever, ever want to read his phone. And funny enough I knew the pin after like date two because we were playing Spotify or something ridiculous over champagne at 2am he's like yeah here's the pin uh go for it like crack on and yeah I don't want to read I don't want to read his phone and vice versa it's not I'm not like consciously trying to not do it I don't want to fucking do it because I trust him completely and that freaks me out because I'm having to unlearn my toxic past behaviors with this guy

I'm having to understand I can trust someone I can be safe with someone I can feel loved with someone oh my god he's so affectionate I'm like babe stop give me fucking five minutes between him and my cat Gizmo I'm suffocated like both of you go and like give each other attention and then let me just go and have a coffee I swear to god but yeah for once I'm having all of that affection and love and attention that I've craved my whole life and yet it freaks me out and it freaks me out guys because I am not used to it because I am unlearning all of my toxic behaviors with this guy and the way I'm getting through it with him is just pure honesty pure pure honesty like I revealed so many dark secrets on day two or three I think and him vice versa and I just

laid all my cards bare and I think I did that because I got to the point where I was like well it's not going to bother me either way this goes I am single I got myself to a really good single space I'm happy so I don't really care if this fails or doesn't fail like I'm cool I'm there's you know I've really built myself up now to a very complete person and weirdly yeah that the honesty and the openness created such an incredible bond very very quickly but unlearning those toxic behaviors either in your current relationship or your new one like don't think you have to I guess you know break up and leave your current partner to unlearn that toxic behavior you can I'm aware you can work through it together and my example with my ex was quite an extreme example

because I was dealing with someone who has a deep narcissistic personality disorder I understand that's not normal and I understand that you can be with your partner and have these toxic behaviors perhaps from your past or from their past and yes you can work through it my example just for me my experience is it was meeting someone new who is the total opposite of what I'm used to that he then helped me get through all of this build up and he will say to me like darling this is your process like it's cool I even spoke to him this morning and I was like people are sending me these really cool podcast ideas and one of them was about sabotaging relationship but I was like did I nearly sabotaged us at the beginning.

He's like, no, baby, you were just doing your process. You do you. That's all he always says to me. You do you, darling. And that's it. There's no weight on my shoulders. There's no prerequisite. There's no he wants me to be anyone but myself.

I will say, you know, oh, I'm hungover and anxiety today. Or I'll say, like, I've got a fucking temper. I'm due on. Or I'll, like, kick off. And it just, not at him. we actually haven't had a fight yet I'm terrified though when we do because we both fire um but yeah he just accepts me completely and whole as I am I don't walk on eggshells with him I don't feel I can't say or be my authentic self I can be a drunk mess and he loves me I can be you know on the

point of the career and he respects it and loves it you know like he listened to one of my podcasts and was so super involved in my analyzing it and the way like I interpreted my argument and stuff. And he just, yeah, fuck. I know I'm gassing about him so much because I love him so much, but he is helping me unlearn all my toxic behaviors. That being said, if I hadn't done the work

for the past two years, 2020, year and a half, if I hadn't done this work, I wouldn't be able to even probably be with him. because I'll be so stuck in that cycle. And I almost was stuck in that, like, I really had to actively say like, no, Nix, we are being now with available men, we are putting the boundaries down on what we're willing to put up with. We are, you know, finding men that are nothing like what we go for. And they got to be kind, they must be loving, you know, like, it's really work on this. And I wasn't, like I said, actively looking for him at all.

He just came along organically and blew my mind. And even then, I was terrified. I was like, nope, I've got to be on my own. I've got to be single. I've got to be single. And he's like, let's just chill it. Like, it's all good. And I was like, no, no, I'm going to be single 2021.

I have to heal. I have to heal. Even that freaked me out. And I was like, nope, I can't be with you. I've got to be on my own. Of course, he won the argument. and I'm with him but yeah I was terrified of being with someone and falling back into such toxic behaviors so I guess to sum up how do you unlearn toxic behaviors you take a really deep

dark look into your past I mean it's dark it's horrible and I'm sorry if you're gonna have to do this I really am and you start being honest with yourself about such things you take a really long deep dark look at all your past relationships all your partner types things perhaps that were on repeat in different relationships with different guys but women but you know similar styles and you start to really pick through why these were happening and what your contribution was definitely please do invest in a therapist or online free support groups to help you guide yourself through this kind of process and get to the point where you are willing with yourself to look at these toxic behaviors and go, no, I'm not going to do it anymore. And how do I break

the cycle? How do I unlearn that? How do I become healthy? How do I become full of self-love, genuine, authentic self-love? How do I put up boundaries and values? Then put a plan in place for that. Start actively working on it every fucking day, every day until it becomes autopilot and a habit for you to be that way. And then if you are, you know, in a relationship or you're meeting someone new, always go down the like honest, genuine, honest, authentic route. I think that's the best way to be. And the person that you're supposed to be with will help you through it rather than causing you more grief and they will support every decision you make and they'll want you to become your full healthy loving self and that's the end of this episode

thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and sexandsingaporecity.com. That's sexandsingaporecity.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.