Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - I Only Have a Boyfriend, Because I Didn't Want a Boyfriend

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

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This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina. La, la, la, la, la. you know i love i love day episode recording because i have a coffee and i'm just climbing the studio walls literally climbing and i can hear in my voice i just get like extra expressive maybe we should do like a recording where i'm at night time and like a bottle of

bubbles in or something or like five beers oh anyway this episode yeah i know you're tuning in because of the title it is called i only have a boyfriend because i didn't want a boyfriend what oh my god what wait you have a boyfriend but you were saying your vagina's on strike that wasn't that long ago oh my god and when you say you don't want a boyfriend but you have one what I know I can hear all of your brain cogs going so this is why I'm explaining this in an episode um it might not be a long one because I'm not going to divulge too much because you know I don't do that anymore well not yet anyway but uh yes Nick Salina does cough officially

cough have a partner and it was completely unplanned completely unplanned but the episode here and the reason why I'm saying this is not to talk to you about how fucking great my boyfriend is, which he is. Sorry, sidetrack. His smile lights up the whole room. I've never, ever known a guy with a smile like this. Like I can't cope. And he does this thing where he's talking to me and he will like bite his like side of his lip. Oh, I'm just, I'm like, whatever you want. When he does that, I'm like, babe, you can have whatever you want. Take it. I've just oh yeah landed jackpot it's his fucking smile just wins me over he also happens to be an incredible human on top of that um but yes why do i have a boyfriend and why is it because i

didn't want one so what i get asked a lot is nicks how do i find someone how did this how did that i was even at a bar two weeks ago with guests over from Korea and obviously like the people I'm with and the circle I have like yeah Nick Salina does this this and this and once people find out what I do it's like everyone wants information advice and it becomes a really big open discussion and people being vulnerable and I love it but I got asked this how do I find a beautiful woman to be my wife right and um and I was sitting there like well that's it's a heavy one I was there I was there so I can talk about what happened in that space now but I I said listen you need to stop wanting it and I know that's the most frustrating answer and it's so frustrating

when you're in that space but it's true and I say if you stop putting so much value and emphasis on finding a wife and finding a woman I'm telling you that is when she will come so that's when I thought about that the next day and I reflected because everyone in the room like the conversation went on for a long time right and bearing in mind we've just met and I'm British and two people in the room are Singaporean and all the rest are from Korea and it was so incredible to have such like an intimate open discussion with people from across all different walks of life and energy fields and just different like cultures and backgrounds it was great but what I love is what I bring out of people in those spaces and that they trust me to to open hearts like that

so it got me thinking about the advice we were talking about the things in there and honestly it's so true you need to not want to meet someone to then meet someone and that and that's so fucking annoying so that's me let me explain my boyfriend situ and we'll elaborate from this but I as we know I've been single for like what two nearly two years no year and a half year and a half yeah 80 months yeah year and a half it's felt like 10 fucking years and a half let me tell you that but I was so at the beginning of after my breakup I was extremely lonely I was so heartbroken so heartbroken oh yeah even reflecting on it now I don't know how I got through that time period that was awful

a lot of my long-term listeners you will know you've been on this journey with me you would have heard it all you know I was a mess and I was desperate to find someone I and I what I just felt so lonely I missed my fiance in the space of like I missed having someone I missed building a life with someone coming home to someone I mean I didn't miss him but like I yeah I wanted I was when is it my turn? When do I get to meet someone that isn't going to cheat on me, that isn't going to treat me like trash, that isn't going to abuse me, that isn't going to lie to me? When is it my turn? And I'd get very anxious about it, very frustrated, very upset. That's on top of the heartbreak. I also was very anxious about my age and timelines and babies. And yeah, it was a whole

swirly pool of pain no it was like a tornado of pain and I'm in the middle of it creating it and then what I had to do is I had to heal all of that then I had to heal a lot of the trauma from the past to move past that and I mean past past past right like before the fiance before the boyfriend before the fiance and all that bollocks so I did all that still like oh I miss and I'd have one night stands and fuck around and then I was seeing some guy in Bali for a bit which I knew wasn't like a thing like I'm never moving to Bali he's not moving here like whatever um yeah all right I was doing all this anyway I hit a brick wall in myself I think um a while ago now where I just didn't want any of it anymore. It's like I woke up one day and was

like, oh, I'm really healed. I don't give a fuck what any of my exes are doing. Like they can all be marrying Victoria's Secret models tomorrow. I'll be at the back clapping like, go you. I like, do I wish them a happy life? No. I wish them the misery that they fucking deserve because they're shitty men but do I care if they're happy no do I care if they get karma no not anymore I don't give a fuck so I kind of it was just like a big it was like someone came along one day and just took all this armor off me like all this heavy weight and was like there you go you're free I just it's like I'm trying to explain this and I know I'm starting sentences and not finishing them which is one thing that really annoys me that people do to me

it was like I gave a fuck for so long and I was so heartbroken and so pain and so sad and devastated that then something switched I just stopped giving a fuck I went a little bit too far the other way I ain't gonna lie I didn't give a fuck about anything um I would be like girl like talking to my best mate like I actually think I've healed too much can you heal too much because I have it's a problem and yeah I just didn't give real shit but and it wasn't none of this is a conscious decision it's all subconscious it's just how it happened and I was like I don't even I don't even want to fucking have sex anymore hence the episode if you haven't listened to it you can scroll back called my vagina went on strike and I love her for it

I just stopped wanting fucking men I was like what I nah and then I realized I didn't need the validation anymore of having one night stands or some hot guy into me I didn't care I could get myself off with my vibrator quite happily without a fucking dick and an annoying twat attached to that dick attempting to pummel me nah um and I just realized I was in a really good space on my own and I'm not lying this is the first time in 36 years on this planet where I didn't want to be with anyone at all every time I've been single before this point I've been secretly thinking I just want to meet someone I want to be in love blah blah I want that I want this on that and I was like nah no thank you because I had finally healed I wasn't both I'm not saying I was like

anti-men I just wasn't bothered you know I was like whatever either or can and that is when I met someone of course and not only that in that that period I called it my I don't give a fuck era because it didn't and it was great and I'm still in it but let's be very clear I'm still well in my I don't give a fuck era but I just got someone by my side now but I was having so much malattention and I was like nah nah can I come over for beers nah nah and you'll hear that if you do listen to the vagina one because I'm just batting men off like no no no no no and then I was going out like with my girlfriends just to be happy for me I was going out just to dance I was getting up just for me I was concentrating on my career and I've got like which has also

been extremely successful recently it's more to tell later but I was just me me me me me me I don't need a man I don't want a man I'm really chill I'm really happy if I saw a hottie and I felt like banging him sure I would have I was like nah and that is when I met my boyfriend um do I want to tell you guys now or should I save that for another episode I reckon I'm gonna save it for another episode the tea spilling of that because I know you're all like oh my god who is he? But yeah, I met him very coincidentally on a night out, unplanned, unexpected. And I kept him pretty much at arm's length as for the early stage as I could, because I didn't give fuck and yet somehow I have a boyfriend oh god it's odd it's really odd

and it's I genuinely believe that it's because I would I healed myself to the point where I was whole and complete by myself I woke up every day so fucking happy by myself I used to be like oh my god I love my life and I turned from this I'm so lonely I'm so isolated I'm so heartbroken I'm so sad I'm so insecure like why did this person do this to me I turned from that person into like I'd wake up every day and I'm like fuck life is great I love my house great pool great love cats love, job love, podcast love. I just, I just transformed my mindset into being so fucking happy by myself. And that is why, that is why I have a partner now, because I stopped needing and wanting one. And I'm telling you all, this is, I was going to say word of warning, but it's

not warning because it's a good thing that sounds very dramatic but like heed my story as a promise to you that if you do the work and you get happy on your own to the point you literally don't think about being in a relationship it's not you don't even miss it I wouldn't go to bed and go oh I'm actually secretly really sad but I kind of do want a partner but not no I wasn't fucking bothered I didn't miss it anymore I didn't need anyone on the sofa next to me when you get to that phase you start to radiate a different energy and that different energy attracts people in their droves not just partners but colleagues friendships new ventures new clients you're just living in a different space that is that phoenix energy honestly that is what I kind of tapped into

but then just fully embodied a little bit too much oh stories for another fucking day people but yeah but you gotta get there when you get there I'm telling you that's when the universe will say right now you're ready you're about to meet someone it's gonna blow your mind and it will be very unexpected and it'll be someone probably completely opposite to what you're used do opposite to what you think you want and you just come in and yeah like a ray of fucking sunshine which is what my one has done love his soul so yeah there we go I only have a boyfriend because I didn't want a boyfriend I hope that explains the title of the episode because I made it as confusing as possible on purpose I hope you understand what I'm trying to say and I hope

the journey that you're on you get to where i was because it is fucking great and if you need me on any level to help you get there please please please um reach out to me i'm always available to all of you guys and girls um across all social media platforms you can find me at nixalina n-i-x a-l-i-n-a thank you for listening i will i'm sure talk about my other half at some point soon so stay tuned for that one and for now i look forward to seeing you all next week thanks for listening to the can't keep my mouth shut podcast produced and hosted by me nick selena i'm recorded in the splice cast studios in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to

enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more content and features to read, you can check out my website, nixalina.com. That's nixalina.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi. Thank you.