Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - I was in a 'Domestic Violence' & Abusive Relationship for 2 years at just 16 - Here's My Story

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

It's taken over 15 years, but I am finally telling my story.  If you or somebody you know are suffering from abuse in the home, please do reach out to the below Singapore based hotline for help: National Anti-Violence Helpline (NAVH) - 1800-777-0000 Alternatively you can call your local police department.

Hi, it's Nick Salina. I would like to state now as a disclaimer that this episode is about domestic violence and physical violence and may be triggering and uncomfortable for many to listen to. If you are uncomfortable, I'll see you in the next episode. This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast, and I am Nick Salina. This episode is called I was in a domestic violent relationship for two years at just 16. Here is my story.

So in light of the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard toxic violent relationship in court, which is of course globally on everyone's tongue at the moment it felt very topical for me to talk about my experience but also I have been putting off this episode for four seasons now and I had it written down for season five and then I put it off some more and I was like nope I'm gonna do it um I'm gonna do it um okay god this is this is gonna hurt Season five is just filled with such vulnerable, raw episodes that, like, get to me when I try and talk about them. I feel like this is, like, the woke season, if you will. Okay.

So, yes, as the title states, when I was 16 years old, I met a man. He was 20. Through a girlfriend at school, it was her older cousin. um I got swept off my feet he was a lot shorter than me which is information that will come up later a lot shorter um he drove a car and he um wasn't at school or anything he was like I can't even remember what he did bearing in mind I'm 35 right this is when I was 16 half my life ago So, yeah, I was completely enamored and bowled over by him. What I didn't realize, because I was so young and such a romantic, was that he was starting to be abusive.

But it was always very small. So it started off with, like, getting annoyed if I, I don't know, got a text or a Facebook thing and then throwing my phone across the room. he would start telling me about my clothes he didn't like my clothes he didn't like i if i dressed too sexy but then if we went out with his friends he would take the piss out of me if he didn't if he thought i looked too frumpy um he didn't like it when i wore heels so one time i actually got driven home he picked me up to go to a restaurant had a massive go at me driving to the restaurant because I had heels on and I was taller than him and then turned the car around, drove me home so I could get changed into flats and something less sexy. I was wearing jeans and

a crop top. Yeah, like jeans. And then I had to change because he was really angry. then things like biting started so he would bite my arms the soft part inside my my forearms or my legs and he would start stabbing pencils or pins in me um so i remember once i had this huge bite mark on my forearm and it was bruised so I had to like get this big chunky bracelet and cover up the bite mark with the bracelet so I could go to school and go to work. I'm 16 right when we met and I had a part-time job at a photography lab in a chemist so I would do all the photographs for customers so I did that every Saturday and Sunday and then of course I was doing my A-levels. So I was doing my AS-levels, moving on to my A-levels. I would have, I would

start to have bruises like on my neck, you know, where you held me too hard or perhaps bit me there. I remember once I tied a ribbon around my neck as like, try to make it like a trendy choker thing that was like my fashion when reality was I was covering up just these bruises. And I was living with my parents at the time right so I was constantly on edge about you know my mum seeing it and going absolutely apeshit which she would have um he would start to punch me um like say we're in the car driving back from the shopping mall and I was upset or I said something he didn't like he would start just punching me in the thigh while he was driving to shut me up screaming at me it was probably six months into the relationship before the abuse started happening and I think

I need to make that clear because it's not like you know you go on date one and then suddenly it's punching you it's a slow build-up it's insidious right so by the time it did start happening and then it's just throwing my phone or it's just getting angry at my clothes or so that then you don't realize the level of like this person and the damage they're calling you I'm in love with him right I'm in love with him and I started to think this was normal I was the problem I was too emotional I was dressing too sexy I knew when he started punching me that it wasn't right but I was too ashamed to sort of say out loud and he always would turn it around so it was my fault and um yes it's hard I knew this would be hard

just so you know let me just put this in now this was when I was 16 to 18 and I'm 35 and it's still so hard to talk about it without getting like this is the kind of damage that these types of relationships will do to people so when you do tune into this court case with Depp and Hurd just know that whatever happened this is like it's next level damage it's not it's not a spectacle to be looked at like a tv show it's his real people anyway um the physical violence started getting more and more obvious I went to a club once um he was there and I was there and I was talking to guys that I know friends from school and he got really angry because I was talking to a guy and walked off

and went left the club and I ran after him and um we're in the street and he he took his shoes off and threw them at me, hit me with his shoes and then screamed at me because it was dark and he couldn't find his shoes. So I was running around these dark pavements trying to find his shoes for him. We then started walking back home to try and find a cab and he took his belt off to try and belt me in the street. And luckily, police drove past at the time and pulled over, separated us because I was in distress clearly and asked me like are you sure you want to go home with this man and I could only think if they take me home my mum will see that a police car is outside my house and dropping me off and I'll be in so much trouble so my preference was to stay with him so

I just lied it's an oh no no we're fine we're fine and him and I got a cab back to his and he just shut the door on me. This was like four in the morning by this point. It was pouring with rain and he made me walk home. It was a 15 minute walk home from his house to my house after I'd declined a lift from the police. Even just that, that was just so horrible and abusive to do that to me, to make me think, you know, I'm going to go and stay at his and then he just shut the door on me and left me outside in the rain. Another incident, I broke my leg at a party. My boyfriend was having, a guy friend was having his 18th or whatever

and picked me up, fell on me. We both fell over and I broke my leg, right? So I'm in a cast. and my boyfriend would stand on the cast so I couldn't move and hold my head by my hair and punch me in the head. And it was like I never did anything wrong to be his human punch bag. I was loyal. I loved him. And he was just an extremely angry, abusive man by the age of 20.

I remember he took me to a club during the day where his mom and family were and all of his friends. It was this big Mother's Day thing. We're all there. He was getting verbally abusive at me. And all of his friends were just sitting there in silence. And I turned around to them all. And I was like, is none of you going to say anything? Is none of you going to stick up for me?

And they all just sat in silence. They couldn't look me in the eye. So I went to the bathroom. His mum was in there, and I was just crying my eyes out. And she said to me, his father is exactly the same. And it all depends whether you want to spend your next 25 years or so living this way. And I just couldn't believe it. that really stuck with me because I was like, oh my God, she's, she lives the same. This is

a cyclical, abusive family. And that's why my boyfriend is the way he is because he's grown up that way. One of the worst times when it really started to escalate and then come out in public, because by this point I'm able to hide the abuse right there is no like I hid the bite marks and like the pencil stabs you wouldn't see much it'd be a small bruise could be just bumping and bump into the bed or something or furniture but there was one moment where I couldn't hide it anymore so my my parents were staying with my sister she lived in a different county at the time so they were away for the whole weekend and my partner was staying at mine with me and I just this is how old I am I just got MSN okay to like talk to people from school and I got all their emails

guys guys and girls from school I got a list of emails to add to MSN and he went through my bin and found the piece of paper with these emails on and because it had guys email addresses on there even though they're just friends from school he lost it um he started punching me so I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in and he broke the door in it broke the lock and then dragged me out and then the next thing I know I wake up on the floor in the bedroom and I can't really remember what had gone on and he's just standing over me like in shock um my face hurts and my head hurts and I just want to go to bed and sleep so it seems like this whatever happened when I woke up it like stopped his rage and we both went to sleep and the next morning I was supposed to go to work

it's a Saturday and I couldn't because I had bruises all over my face and I had um I had a door handle knob like a a drawer handle knob circular thing imprinted on my face And basically, he had pushed me headfirst into the chest of drawers. I can't believe it's like, what, 15 years ago, and it's like it was yesterday. Oh, Nixalina, I can do this. Okay. He pushed me, and I fell into the chest of drawers, and I got concussion and it knocked me out.

And my face was mashed. So I called in sick for work. He goes off and plays football. He seems apologetic, but not really. He'd broke my phone that night. So he said he was going to go buy me a new phone. I then used the home phone to call my family. And I just said, oh, I fell over last night. I got drunk and I fell down the stairs. And my mum was like, no, you didn't. No, you fucking didn't. you're lying. We're going to come get you. So my brother-in-law drove an hour to come and get me and take me back to where they were for the weekend. And I just remember seeing my family's face when they saw my face. It was just like shock and anger and rage, but sadness. And

I was trying to be like my normal jovial self to try and like not make it a thing. but this was the first moment where I had to publicly accept that it was obvious that I was being beaten at home and I had to go to the school on Monday and people were making jokes like obviously no one knew and someone's like this guy's like lol look at you what did you get beaten up at the weekend and I just sort of like ran into the bathroom um I just cried because I had in being beat up for the weekend by the man I thought loved me. This is one of the few incidences at this point onwards. It gets worse. The abuse gets more regular. My mum at this point put a police report behind my back on him because I was adamant that I was

in love with him. I didn't want to leave him. He was sorry. It was a one-time thing. And of course it wasn't. And of course I was, you know, being emotionally played at this point as well. And I was 16. I was too young, just too fucking young to be so violently treated like that. Then the cheating started. So I found cinema tickets in his pants and I questioned them and of course I got slapped for that. But I started to think like you're taking women to the cinema. There was two tickets to this movie that I'd asked him to take me two to watch and he would just laugh it off or say I'm crazy or he went with a mate and when I wouldn't accept that as an answer he actually threw himself down the stairs in the house and

his mum was like screaming on the floor and he made out like I'd pushed him oh I hadn't touched him I was terrified of touching him on any level um it was like he was trying to mask him being caught out cheating by doing something extremely dramatic which it worked because I then ran out of the house um he then had a party that I wasn't invited to a house party and I was at a club nearby and obviously drinking and I wanted to see him so I walked to the house and everyone was in shock that I was there and in shock that I turned up and it looked like people were thinking we weren't together like what the fuck is she doing here and his mate started tapping on a door I was rageful looking around all the bedrooms trying to find out where he was and I went to

all the wrong rooms and by the time I'd come back out of the other rooms he was on the staircase doing his flies up going what the fuck are you doing here so he'd obviously been fucking some girl in the room and because he'd been caught out and I'm like you're like you're literally doing your flies up in front of me he went into rage he pushed me around he actually threw uh garden furniture chairs at someone who then caused an epileptic fit in someone else um he called my mum I was like come and get her she's kicking off she's lost it so my mum drives down the road I obviously get in the car but I don't want to leave I'm trying to find this girl I can't find her and then once I got in my mum's car he taps on the window and I wind it down

and then he just started punching me through the window like punching me in front of my mum so she's terrified so she just starts driving off and he's clinging on to the car I kid you not like his belt buckle left a scrape in my mum's car door and then he just fell on the floor after she managed to drive off and then like pretended she'd run him over which she hadn't um so basically this was the style of the tuning thing when I started to realize there was someone else he also once picked up a call of mine when I was trying to get hold of him and he didn't realize he'd picked it up and I could hear him and her together talking about their sex and stuff the next morning and how horny he was and things and I just sat on the end of the phone just listening

in pieces um he takes me to a hotel for my birthday and you're probably thinking how is this not enough for you how is this not enough and I I still let him lie his way through the cheating thing I still wanted to believe so badly that I was crazy and he wasn't doing anything because I didn't want to lose him because I loved him so much but we went to um yeah a hotel for my birthday and basically he got up early went to the gym and I managed to get into his phone and I read messages between him and this chick that was obviously that he is in fact with her and I when you come back up from the gym I said like I've just read your phone and I wake up on the floor of the bathroom I don't remember what happened he's knocked me out again my dad had just bought

me this beautiful diamond necklace from Italy where my dad was living at the time so it meant a lot because I didn't really have my dad around day to day and he'd broken the chain ripped it off my neck. And yeah, I woke up feeling super fuzzy. I mean, I just, it's another concussion, obviously, because he punches me in the head. So this was kind of like, okay, we're done. We are done. And I was, I was devastated. I was, I'm not going to lie. I was fucking devastated because i loved him i had been so broken down emotionally and physically into like a shell of a woman i was i was a size uk6 and he would call me a fat cow all the time um just made out constantly like i was worthless and i felt worthless and then i'd get the highs

of him as well where he spoiled me and bought me things and took me to places and I felt like the most special girl on the planet and that's what I was living for I was craving those moments the final final final line in the sand was the most horrific so I'm at the club near where he lives again and the girl is there in the toilets who he's now seeing and I was like yeah I know that you're with him and just so you know he's still in love with me and he's not we never split up like when you started seeing him he was with me still and she wasn't buying any of it so I was like here you go here's a voicemail so I gave her the phone and she listened to the voicemail of him begging me not to leave him saying he still loves me so I kind of felt like yeah okay I've exposed

him she knows I'm not fucking crazy because that was the talk of the town Nix has lost it it's what he was telling all of his maids I dumped her ages ago and I had proof I'd finally got proof and I'd finally shown the woman so rather than going home I took my ass to his house because I'm so emotionally messed up from this breakup I miss him I want to see him and I walked to his house from the bar and he'd obviously received messages from this chick who's saying I've just listened to the voice notes you obviously do love Nicola or whatever and I don't know what she'd said to him but once I got there the rage I the rage was the like I've never ever experienced it before so he ripped all of my I had these like pearls on my neck he ripped them all off told me to sit in the

fucking living room and he went and got a knife from the kitchen comes back in and hide holds the knife to my throat and I genuinely thought he's going to kill me he's going to kill me because I told the other woman that I still exist and that we were supposed to still be together and it was cheating on me. Obviously now, in hindsight, I understand that it was the narcissistic injury and I'd exposed him and that's why he flew into a huge rage. So I am at this point begging for my life. I'm still younger than 18. And the man I love is a knife to my throat because I told another woman that I exist. I don't know how long we were there for but as soon as he like lowered the knife I ran but he ran after me so as I was

trying to run to his front door I couldn't get there in time so I was trying to think of the only locked room in the house which was the bathroom so I ran upstairs to the bathroom bearing in mind none of his family were around they'd gone away somewhere so it was just me and him. But before I could get into the bathroom and lock the door, he chased after me and he then punches me in the nose. And then I wake up on the bathroom floor again. He is actually, which I didn't realize, he'd actually given me like a deviated septum, like when he would punch me so often. But he did always usually do it on the nose or the head. He Yeah, and he, like, sort of semi-pushed in one side of it.

So I woke up again on the floor. And that's usually when he'd stop, is when he'd knock me out. That's usually the trigger for him to stop. And I gathered my bag and my necklaces, what he hadn't broke. I tried to pick up some of the pearls, and then I walked home again. I don't know what time in the morning. And my first thought is always, oh, fuck, I hope there's no bruise. I hope there's no obvious bruise on my face.

And that's the day I check the mirror. I'm like, okay, fine. Even though everything is swollen and painful on the inside, it's like as long as no one can fucking know and no one can see. okay so that was one of the most poignant parts where I realized like enough is enough because he got a knife out because he cheated I'd actually previously accepted that physical abuse was like normal to me and um yeah this was like a line in the sand and I know it sounds insane me saying this out loud you're

Like the line in the sand should have been fucking at the very beginning. I'm like, I get it. I really get it. So I am now coming up to doing my A levels, right? So I was actually with him between 16 to 18. So I've done my AS levels and then I'm getting to my A levels. And I don't know how I did this, but I managed to somehow knuckle down in the last couple of months and I actually got two A's and a B and I got accepted into my first choice university to

study English literature I don't fucking know how I did it because I was dealing through so much shit with him and pain and misery and not only was I being physically and emotionally abused I was also going through a breakup and I thought like I'd lost the love of my life I know it sounds insane the main part of me getting over him was being able to go to university so this happened around like my birthday my 18th birthday in May and I went to uni in September so that summer where I was on my own I was like really struggling because he also lives down the road from me we were always going to the same places but I managed to move hours away to uni and that is really when I started to heal when I met new friends when I took myself out the situation and then I had counseling at

uni as well my first counseling because I realized like you know a year in like I really need to talk about this and over time it I healed myself a few years later I'll get like a Facebook message request from him just apologizing after he got married and a baby I didn't want to know a decade after I actually saw him in a club and I thought if I ever see him again I'm gonna beat the shit out of him so I kept thinking if I ever ever see him again now that I'm not some weak child I'm actually a strong woman I'm gonna beat the crap out of him and I saw him and I I went over to him, and I had nothing but pity. And I stood there in front of him, and he's so fucking short.

He comes up to, like, below my tits. And I just stood there, and I was like, why? Just why? I was too young. And all he could do was say sorry and offer to buy me a drink. A drink. after all that damage you want to buy me a fucking drink and then I just walked away and it's weird because you play scenarios over and over in your head and you think

you'll behave in a certain way and all I could do was just stand there and say why I have been through more than many have suffered in their whole lives by the time I was 18 and I still now feel the repercussions of it and it wasn't just the physical pain it was the emotional torture he put me through the lying and the cheating so why am I sharing this story firstly very cathartic for me secondly I want you guys to understand that abuse doesn't happen immediately. And when you think why, why would people stay? Why do you stay after the first fight? You're chucking bottles at each other. You're slamming doors. If it's getting even remotely physical, why would you stay? Because it's so deceptive

and insidious and it creeps up on you. And you think you love this person. And you do. You do love this person and if they've managed to manipulate you and emotionally brought you down first you also don't think you're worthy of anything else so you stay you know it's wrong when I woke up on those bathroom floors and this bed I knew it was wrong and then I started to worry about like if I get punched this much is it gonna like affect my brain I was so terrified of any like long-term damage from so much abuse he's done the worst to me stuck pens in me pencils in me bit me all over hit me gave me a deviate septum in my nose pulled my hair pulled me across the floor by my hair

stood on my broken cast to punch me so I couldn't move burns he'd give me burns on the wrist um I mean pretty much any kind of physical thing someone can do to someone and I was a kid I was a little girl so in light of this story I want to end it on a positive note firstly if anyone is going through anything remotely like this you reach out to me and I will be there for you 24 7 number one I will help you through it I won't judge the way you don't judge me and I and I understand because I have literally been through it for two years myself.

Secondly, I managed to harness myself, get two A's and a B at A-level. One of them was an English A-level. It got me into the best uni I could for English literature. I had the best three years of my life at uni. I also managed to then start my own business. I created Sex and London City. four years later five years later I became so strong and everyone always says like Nix you're so strong and confident as a woman how how did you go through this often people think that victims

of domestic violence are weak introverted quiet little things no that's not the case anyone male and female introverted extroverted anyone can end up a victim in a domestic violent relationship anyone but what it did do for me is it taught me a lot about myself and about boundaries and how much I love people it taught me um about I guess defending myself physically defending myself um I know it's ridiculous but I'm like I can take a punch and I know I can and I don't know why that gives me strength out of that I guess because there's nothing else I can take from that physical part of it except I know I can take it and I could probably at this age and this physical part give it back as well um I was just very young

thin and vulnerable at the time and weak I guess across the board whilst I would never ever wish this on my worst enemy and whilst I believe that was a catalyst to some really hard years of relearning myself and how I interact with men and relationships and whatnot I part of me doesn't regret going through it I know that sounds very strange but it does I would not be the woman I am today without that, I don't think. I mean, you never know, right? But I have so much strength now. And I've suffered and I'm all right.

And not only am I all right, I'm doing way better than I ever could have dreamed. And I managed to focus in the worst moments of my life and still get my qualifications and still go off and get my degree. and I managed to heal and yeah, I just want anyone who's going through this to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can get there. You just, you need to obviously leave the person and then do all of the work on yourself and it takes years and as I said, I'm what, over 15 years plus out of it. And I still get upset recalling it. So there you go. That's how long-term the damage stays. Thank you so much for listening to my story. And if this has

triggered or affected anyone, please reach out to me. There are also hotlines that you can call to speak to professionals about this. I will put them in my little bio on the episode so to try and help you guys out um but yeah and breathe thank you so much for sticking with me and um here's to a brighter happier next episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find

my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and sexandsingaporecity.com. That's sexandsingaporecity.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A, to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.