Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Is it Okay to Have Sex on the First Date?

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

Honestly, I've changed my mind about this particular question. It used to be a hard NO, but now, I see things less black and white, more shades of grey in between. What do you guys think? Yay or nay? Let me know!

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi everyone! Welcome back to another Monday evening of me. I have a feeling today's episode is going to be quite a popular one it's very topical it is something I feel like we all end up asking ourselves or discussing with our friends or trying to work out yes no yes no yes no and it is is it okay to have sex on a first date oh wow what are we going to do with this okay the thing is with such a question like this is it okay

should you have sex is it bad if you have sex on a first date that would imply there's a right and the wrong answer and I know you guys are going to want me to say right yes or absolutely no and this time it's not that black and white. Is it okay to have sex on a first date? Genuinely speaking, I've always come from a background where I say to myself, no, I would not have sex on a first date. The reason why I decided not to do that is because I often felt it gave off a vibe to the guy for my part where like I was easy or you know like oh she's sleeping with me on the first date I wonder how many other guys she sleeps with on the first date it just for me it gave off uh an air of the woman that I don't want to be portrayed as to someone on the first

say especially if I thought that first date might go somewhere secondly I didn't really like sleeping with people on the first date because honestly you don't really know them you don't and I'm quite like protective about my body and I rarely be like oh thanks for the dinner and dessert let's go have a quickie um I'm just I'm like I kind of have to know you a little bit and I kind of have to like want to get to know you longer term to be able to have sex with you um of course I'm no angel I've done one night stands as well that's uh you know I feel like we all have probably at some point um what for me one night stand is actually a different topic to sex on a first date because for me a first date obviously it's not a one night stand it is a I want to date you to date you kind

of vibe. Okay. So if I am on a first date with a guy, probably will stop myself sleeping with him, even if I really want to, because I want to portray the kind of woman that doesn't do that. That being said, that makes it seem like I have a negative opinion about women or men that do that. and actually I don't and actually also my opinion on this whole subject has has changed quite dramatically so I feel like if I was doing this a year ago I'd have a very different it'd be very like don't do it now I feel like actually it's okay and I tell you why I feel that this is a very case by case subjective topic. And you can't put people in that kind of box. Like if I slept with a guy on a first day, that doesn't make me a slut. It doesn't mean I do it all the time.

It doesn't mean that it doesn't mean shit about me as a woman and my sexual past or my wants or needs it also doesn't mean anything about the guy either and this is what I've like it's like a little bit of an epiphany but sex on the first date can just be that great sex on a great first date does it mean he won't call you again no does it mean that you're now put in the box of oh just sex category you know she's not anything long term because we fucked on the first date so like, I'll just see a casualty for sex when I fancy it. No, it doesn't necessarily mean that. Yes, that can happen. It's definitely happened to me in my past, in my early 20s, which is why I formed this opinion about it, where I felt like, well, shit, we had sex way too early. Now he

doesn't see me as anything potential. He just sees me as a nice quick buck. But actually, no, it depends on the person that you're with and sometimes it's just a ridiculous connection that you have with someone that you end up sleeping together on the first day and it's usually one of those unexpected moments as well like you think oh I'm not I'm not really going to be into this or I'm not really going to be too bothered about it I'll go and see how and then, like, that's usually the time where you're like, well, shit, damn, like, didn't even not expect this to come, like, it's out of nowhere. That's usually the most, like, priceless, memorable times. And if you have that connection with someone, why not? Why would you not?

You have to really gauge the person. You also have to really gauge, I guess, the communication beforehand like you know if I if I met a guy on a dating app and all he did was whatsapp me before the date talking about sex and stuff all the time before we've even really met I might be like okay bro I see you I totally see you and I probably wouldn't out of principle because I get the vibe that he is trying to get me on a date to shag me however if it's the first date that comes out of the blue, or it's like the first time you meet someone randomly at a party or whatever. And there is this connection that come out of nowhere. I don't see any more why you have to like stifle that. Also, having sex on a first date, then when you go on your second date or your third date is

a comely icebreaker you're like how you've seen me at my worst already at my best and my worst just kind of pop that in there you know great but but there's none of that it just takes all the awkwardness away it's literally like you go straight in and you know you're just yeah super close. It really does depend on the person. It also depends on where you are mentally at that time, okay? Because if you're in that headspace where you desperately want someone, you're desperately swiping on Tinder and Bumble and blah, blah, blah, and you're desperately stalking Instagram trying to find someone and, you know, you're sad and you don't want to be alone. If you're in that headspace I worry that then sex on the first date is for some validation on yourself

and also you might be in the headspace of oh if I sleep with him and it's really good sex he'll want to see me again so I think it depends as well on your on where you are in your life because if you're trying to use sex on the first date as a tool to keep him hooked it's not going to work if you're in a very desperate mindset about meeting someone it's probably going to have the detrimental impact on your you know tryst with a guy or girl but I feel like if you're very comfortable with where you are and where you're at and who you are and you just have this amazing connection on a first date then why not obviously be safe you know use protection listen to mine and paul is she said he said contraception episode please um go and find

that in the list because we do talk a lot about sti protection and birth control so as long as you're not being stupid and you're safe i no longer see a problem with it and i genuinely believe that if you've met someone who is worthy of you and they're a good person they will give no fucks about whether you have sex on a first date fifth date tenth date like they just it's like okay so we had sex on the first date that doesn't that doesn't mean anything about you as a woman or a guy like I just don't want to get to know you and it can even accelerate that process we're like fuck I want to see you again like quickly so I'm sorry I can't give you guys a yes or a no and this is a question that everyone seems to be asking both me in dms and I feel like a lot

of people talk about it um between their friends like oh my god I got a first date tonight like should I have sex with him and then often there was I mean it's been years and years and years of these conversations with a lot of my different girlfriends there's also regret the next day like fuck I fucked him last night shit I got drunk didn't mean to wasn't planning to oh he's now online and he's not texting me like and sometimes I feel like it builds up in your head where you're like you get a lot of shame and regret oh maybe I should have waited this gets accelerated if the guy then actually doesn't talk to you doesn't you know reciprocate or perhaps the conversation starts waning off or he hasn't asked to see you again but don't get that twisted

that's not because you had sex on the first date that's because of that person who he or she is and where they're at in their life right because chances are if they're going to have sex with you and then just drop off the face of the earth they would have done it after like date three or date five you know it's almost probably better to get it out the way on date one and weed them them out it it's not like oh I had sex with her on the first day well I don't like her at all now because she had sex with me bye it kind of doesn't work the way if they're gonna do it they're gonna do it and I feel like people need to stop freaking out about oh my god if if only I hadn't had sex with him he might still be in contact with me and no no that's not the case I can categorically tell

you people you can have sex on the first day and they can still want to see you all the time and they can be like someone that you yeah you end up really liking it's not it's not always a bad thing and this is a very strange episode for me because like I said a year ago I would have given you a completely different answer I still stand by the idea that it is better to wait but only because that's how I view myself and sex, because I get very emotionally attached with sex. You know, like, let's have sex. Oh, my God, I want your babies. It's not that quick. And if the guy's listening, I don't want your babies. Well, not yet. But I get very emotionally attached, right? So for me, I always hold off for myself anyway, whereas I've got a girlfriend,

who can have sex like no emotions whatsoever very Samantha Jones of Sex and the City and I totally love and respect that like it's about the sex it's about the orgasm it's about the good dick that's it I'm not wired that way so I'm very careful with when as and when I have sex if I have sex on a first date I'm scared that that that kind of hormone release and all that emotion is going to override any logic I have about the person, you know, like actually listening to where they are in their life, looking for red flags. But yeah, I'm going to have to disagree with my old self at this point and say sometimes it's not a bad thing at all. And honestly, if you feel like, oh, fuck it. Or even if you don't, even if you're like, I never wanted to, but damn,

he's so hot like what's a girl to do at this point go for it is it okay to have sex on the first date yeah I actually think it is but it totally depends on where you are in your life the where the person is in their life the kind of communication you've had beforehand if any at all whether you're able to do that and not beat yourself up about it the next day or fill yourself with regret or shame if they don't follow through it's a risk it is a risk you might have the most amazing night share your body with this person and then they're like see you later you know and you're like oh my god and then you left feeling even worse about yourself and if you had just not had sex with him so you have to factor that all in but if it happens it happens I'm saying

on first dates ride out that chemistry if you do it maybe you've had too much champagne maybe you haven't maybe you're sober as a judge you're still like yeah I want to hit that go for it and don't have a go at yourself for doing it either if it works out it works out like this is what if it's chemistry and the guy's right for you you're gonna get a text the next day you're gonna get like another date asked straight away. You're going to get all of that. If it doesn't go that way, then it wasn't the right guy for you. You know, actually, you just found out earlier, which is not a bad thing. No one likes to waste time, do they? Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts, whether you guys agree with me or not. And, you know, do people view other people badly

if they have sex on a first date. Does that put you off someone? Please do DM me on Instagram at nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A. And yeah, let me know. In fact, I'd love to hear some stories. Sex on a first date where it ended up in a long-term relationship or marriage. Hit me up. Bye.

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