Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Lovebombing vs The Honeymoon Phase – Is it Healthy or Unhealthy?

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Oushhhh it's a tricky tricky thin line this one. Dating someone new is complex as is, let alone trying to understand if you're with a good soul or a toxic manipulator.   Are they lovebombing you aka tricking you into loving them? Or is this the genuine happy honeymoon period of authentic love? Let's try distinguish between the two shall we?   ​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com.   Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.​

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of my podcast. And today, I think this is quite an important one, girls and guys. we're looking at love bombing versus the honeymoon phase aka is this person loving bombing you or is it genuine interest is it healthy or is it unhealthy now very very difficult to distinguish when you're in it i should know because i've been love bombed many times in my life um and i believed

everyone was just the soulmate, magical man of my life. And it turns out it absolutely wasn't. So I'm laying this very clear now, the beginning, that when you're in it, it's so fucking hard to distinguish between the two. So if we try and start off saying, what is love bombing versus is the honeymoon phase. Love bombing is a manipulative tactic that is used by toxic people to get you to love them. And it's a part of like, you know, emotional abuse and control. The honeymoon phase, or should I say genuine endearment, is a healthy, happy first stage of a relationship where everything is glorious. Then you are, you know, unable to be away from each other, when you're feeling all those feels, and it's like, I'm excited, I think I've met

someone, they feel the same, everything's great. Sadly, that's exactly how love bombing fucking feels, right? So, and yet with love bombing, if you fall for it, which I have, right? So this is a judgment-free zone. If you fall for it, what's going to happen is you're going to end up in a fucking horrible abusive relationship with someone who's toxic someone who's controlling someone who's a narcissist someone who manipulates you someone who lies to you someone who cheats on you right because you fell for love bombing if you fall for a happy healthy honeymoon phase you're gonna end up in a relationship that's based in respect mutual love trust all those glorious things and you know probably go off and live happy ever after so it's quite a big deal

isn't it it is a big deal you if you fall for one or the other right it's like you're fucked or you live happy ever after it's it's a big thing so to to be able to decipher far between the two could cost you years of your life, right? Like, no pressure, Nix. But this is how I feel. I mean, like, I was love-bombed. The most recent one was my ex-fiancé. It was a year, two years ago, but the relationship was a year, but it's taken me nearly a year to recover from it. Like, it's still a chunk of your life, people. So how do we differentiate between these two states? Because they are so similar in kind at the beginning. Love bombing, right. To be clear, one, the love bombing starts off extremely high and will deteriorate down.

the honeymoon phase starts off more at a lower trajectory and will grow so the love will constantly keep growing okay so that's the first main difference but if we're looking at love bombing on its own i would say the number one thing to look out for is speed fuck me it's too fast, too soon, too much. Speed and time is a narcissist's weapon of choice. I say that a lot because I can't hero that enough. Speed is their weapon of choice. They don't want you to discover who they are so early on that you'll walk. They want you to discover the real ugly side of them once they've got their claws into you and once you've you're hooked in how do they do that well they love bomb the shit out of you at the beginning of the relationship so you think you found true

love and once they realize that you're emotionally in hook line and sinker that's when they start to change speed love bombing will be over the top all the time so it'll be a case of wanting to see you all the time, trying to move the relationship extremely fast. So I love you's will be dropped within weeks. You'll be feeling swept off your feet, but actually in sort of like a whirlwind way, but like, but more like a tornado, you know, like negatively swept off your feet. Like I'm at dizziness here about what's going on. One minute I'm single and the next minute it's been a month and they're saying they love me and I'm their soulmate and they're buying me expensive gifts. It's a lot. The gifts is another huge hallmark of the love bombing phase. So I'm not just talking

about like spending like money on a gift or present for you. That happens. It does a lot, but it's also over the top grandiose gestures like maybe expensive dinner or theater nights or hotel stays or maybe they want to whisk you away on holiday within the first two weeks what I've only just met you and you want to go and spend the weekend together and you love me and I'm your soulmate like think about it objectively how can you be someone's soulmate after three weeks they don't know your soul yet and you don't know this and yet it happens all the time because it happened to me and I believed it so sure I mean let me tell you I'm not having a go at anyone who falls for this shit it's so hard to not think

you've met the one and this is how they get away with it because it feels like you have met the one it's bollocks isn't it it's actually bollocks what they also do with love bombing um is they mirror you uh one of my narcissistic ex would be like oh my god you're so creative that's so like I love to paint I'm really creative as well and he'd write me letters all the time because I would always like to write letters of course as soon as the relationship wasn't like there's no all the letters stopped didn't they all the fucking cards stopped let's stopped and did he paint anything did he fuck there was no creativity there were all the shit and I remember all these conversations because I remember being so enamored with him

that, like, every moment was just burned into my mind. And, yeah, nah, none of it happened. He was mirroring me. He was trying to portray himself as my soulmate because that also helps get me hooked. And it fucking worked as well. So mirroring is a big thing. Like, if they suddenly like everything you like, right,

and they want to do everything you want to do and you're like oh my god I've like like I've like met me in a male female form you know like oh my god I've met my counterpoint like this person is like me a male like really are you sure especially if it's really fast also you can't really put a finger on why you like them so with love bombing it's like oh god it's just something about that person. And you can't really depict. That's not right. You should be able to say, I actually really like this guy because he's so ethical. I love the way he cares about the planet. I love the way he's so invested in his work. I love the way he's very supportive. You should be able to depict why you love someone. And this takes time, time, time, time, time. Whereas

love bombing three weeks in, some guy's going, you're my soulmate. You're my soulmate. And you're like, yeah, I just really like it. No, you like being love bombed. They make you feel so special. Like you are the best fucking woman on the planet. And not only that, you're the only woman on the planet. They have got no eyes for anyone else but you. Okay. Well, it's been 21 days, bro, but sure. You also probably end up full of butterflies right and being triggered butterflies is like this oh my god I got butterflies been around this person we used to depict this as a positive thing about when you're dating but actually I think realistically those little butterflies isn't that anxiousness

it's like a trigger warning in your body I'm not saying butterflies are bad across the board but if there's just this like overwhelming anxious flutter going on and you know and then you're checking your phone all the time but but it it's it's just overwhelming that's probably because it's been it's love bombing right you've got to have all that over the topness that goes with it as well and like it's it also feels like a game of cat and mouse you're put on a pedestal and then they're presenting themselves as like a superhuman best version of themselves and you feel it when you're put on a pedestal you feel it and it can actually be quite unnerving um I remember with my fiance I wrote in my diary like three months after meeting him and I just wrote it randomly

this is why I love journaling I said oh I can't keep up with the speed of how he wants like I can't keep up with the speed of his life and I remember thinking I just feel so overwhelmed and I'd been moaning in the diary that my fiance would be moaning at me there's lots of moaning going on because he felt like I didn't love him the way he loved me and actually what he was saying at that point is he hadn't quite got me the way he wanted to so he felt on edge that I didn't love him like he loved me and I'm feeling very overwhelmed and saying I can't keep up with the speed of how he runs his life that is just now I realize like what a red flag because it was all like I was in a tornado I couldn't breathe I can't breathe even talk about it I'm brave so yes love bombing is

full of compliments over the top gifts like and it so when I say compliments that's a really good thing to circle back on it's not like this there's a distinct line between flattery and compliments right and I feel like flattery is more like you're the best oh my god you're the best thing I've ever met oh my ex was nothing compared to you you're the best relationship I've ever had you're the best woman I've ever met you're so you're the best I've had in bed right it's just this overburdened flattery of these big grand statements I feel like compliments is more like you are such a cool person I love how genuine you are and how authentic you are and I love how you know you care about me but you also like you have your own thing and you know how focused you are on your own

stuff and that for me is the difference and I think it is so hard like so much but I think love bombing is way more flattery and the healthy phase is more uh compliments so you will have the flattery but it's all it's all grandiose just imagine everything is all over the top everything the speed the time the gifts the the words the flattery the the matching you in every way the mirroring even your butterflies are a little bit over the top right and what I will end the love bombing the unhealthy part say I'm gonna say oh it's just a cliche isn't it if it's too good to be true, it probably is. That for me is love bombing. If you feel on some level that I've won jackpot, I've met a lot of my life, this man, rah, rah, rah, rah, this woman, but it's

like, how did I, you know, this is too good to be true. It probably is. Sorry to say, it probably is. But moving on to the honeymoon phase, the healthy start to relationship is going to be basically a lot different to all of that shit. It's similar in that you still feel that intense, like, oh my God, I've met someone, I've met someone and they like me and I like them and then you're going on a first day and a second day. I fucking miss that feeling. But it's slower. So it's slower to grow. It's lots of talking. You're actually having conversations like, you know where did you grow up what was your family life like what was your school life like and you're getting to know this person on a deep level and they're presenting themselves authentically

and you're coming to the table authentically as well and with that authenticity comes space and time because you can't be someone's soulmate three weeks in 21 days of knowing someone soulmates and I'm saying three weeks because I feel like that is seems to be a a marker like three weeks a month or three months is when the markers from this when this kind of shit happens with a healthy honeymoon phase yes you want to be around each other all the time yes you think you might have found the one yes you're starting to get in lovey feels but it's so much more slower you know a healthy person when they hear someone say I love you and it's been three weeks will probably go oh that's a red flag if you hear it you're like me because at the time this is how I

was and you're perhaps you're codependent perhaps you have like low self-esteem or you know you have this idealization of romance and what a partner will come into I do you buy it and that's okay okay it's okay that you I genuinely believe it's okay that you buy it because I've done it but I need you to be more aware because I want to avoid the relationship that's going to follow suit because it ain't going to be like that all the time so that's the other thing I will look back to is with your honeymoon phase it is it is growing forwards love bombing once they realize they got you fucked if they start withdrawing it all all those beautiful compliments start going They might even start being nasty to you. All those date nights suddenly aren't important

anymore. You don't go out as much. They want to spend time with other people. You don't feel special anymore. And then you try and clamor to get it back. Like, please, please be the way you were at the beginning. And you don't understand why you've now got a different person. And why won't they be that way again? And you are chasing the high of the love bombing. What's happened is the mask is slipped off and you are now dealing with the real person because love bombing is not sustainable you can't keep that up there's usually like a three to six months timeline with love bombing after six months it starts like it's just yeah you can't keep it up and then you're sad because you feel like why is my relationship already so shit what have I done wrong and I

haven't changed. And why don't they love me the way they used to? And where's my gifts gone? You want it all back because you are addicted to the high and the euphoria of that phase. The honeymoon phase? Nay, nay, nay. This continues in an upward trajectory. So you've got this space and time and your love starts to grow and it's reciprocated. And you start to cherish time together and buy each other gifts maybe but they're they're personal they're they like meaningful and you just move forwards together and instead of having that drop off where suddenly it's all changed you're actually moving in a better happier space and you're just getting more and more and more close because you're dealing with a healthy person not a toxic lying arsehole another thing

obviously I spoke about flattering compliments is you will get the genuine compliments from this person and you will feel calm safe and relaxed those anxious butterflies won't be there you will trust that they'll call when they say they're gonna call you don't have to be anxiously attached to them because you know they'll always be there for you and they feel the same about you as you do about them and you don't have to be around each other all the time your boundaries are respected like talking of boundaries I remember with my ex knock he got upset with me one day because he I was trying to take it slow and he obviously didn't feel he had full control over me and he wanted to invite me to some barbecue but felt he couldn't because I was like

taking it slow and didn't want to be like introduced to his friends and we got like in a semi-argument about it and now I look back and I realize he did not respect my boundaries it's not like I didn't you know I was I was in love with him I thought I was um very much but I just wanted time because I was like I just want to be like and I couldn't and I didn't realize why I well why it's because I've been fucking love bombed by another bloody narcissist so yeah your boundaries are respected you both don't you know you don't drop off the face of the earth when you meet each other and all your other plans are cancelled because you're all together all the time you get to do your own shit and if you say do you know what I just want to keep this slow and steady

and they'll go yeah cool perfect it's like great the honeymoon phase is so much calmer let me just breathe so much calmer so much more stable you will still get all of that excitement I'm not taking that away from you it still feels like fucking bliss it does and you still have a oh my God, it's wonderful. But the person coming to you and the way you're coming to them is a very different connection because you don't have the rush all the time. And then when someone says I love you, it's meaningful. It's authentic. And of course, you are allowed to have that loving feeling really early on. Like it's very hard not to. And I know that, especially when two people me and just sparks fly and you're just like, oh my God, I get it. But I want you to look out for

all the other stuff that goes with that, that could mean you're being love bombed rather than an authentic connection. I'm going to end this episode here because I could talk about this for hours, as you know, like narcissists and their way of dealing with relationships is one of my favorite topics. I am sorry if you still find this quite difficult to clarify in your mind. So if you need to DM me on Instagram at any point, if you're like, Nix, I just need to know, is this love bombing or is this love bombing? By all means, you can slide into my DMs at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A. You can find me on Instagram and TikTok. But yes, it's very tricky. please do not hold back on on your love and being present because you're so scared that it might be

love bomb that's another thing I don't want you to do I still want you to believe in finding true love and I still want you to go in with an open heart but I also want you to have an open mind and just be very wary that this happens and that it's it's a manipulation is what it is and I don't want you to fall into the same trap that I have done many times and there we go um i hope everyone has enjoyed this episode and it's helped you in some way and i look forward to seeing you all next week monday evening is when i put out my episodes so i see you all then and have a wonderful week thanks for listening to the can't keep my mouth shut podcast produced and hosted by me

Nick Salina. I'm recorded in the Splice Cast Studios in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more content and features to read, you can check out my website, nixalina.com that's nixalina.com i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-m-a to find me don't be shy come say hi