Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Nixalina, WTF Happened To You???

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

The answer to this question is not what you'd expect, I assure you. Tune in to find out exactly what the f*ck has happened to me.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast, and I am Nixalina. Hey, it's Nixalina. Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of my podcast. thank you all for continuously joining me, by the way. I don't know if I say that enough, but you guys rock. And I love that you tune in, and I love that you repost it to your Insta, and just knowing that you listen just makes me a very happy woman. As does this episode,

which is called, Nixalina, What the Fuck Happened to You? What the fuck happened to you, Nix? So this title sounds like something really bad has happened to me, but actually it's the exact opposite. So I've started to notice in the last month, people are coming up to me all the time, DMing me all the time, replying to my stories all the time, asking what on earth has happened to me because I look so different and I'm glowing. Oh my God, look at your body. What have you done? You look different. What have you done? And I just wanted to acknowledge it because it is happening a lot and I'm so here for it. But a lot of the things that you guys think I've done

is like, I don't know, gone down some rigorous healthy living lifestyle or smashed a gym or I don't know. The only major change recently is I got some hair extensions. That's it. I haven't been to the gym since March. March 2022, people, is the last time I stepped foot in a gym. It's now October. I mean, I do my netball as much as I can once a week. And I now walk to work in the morning. And sometimes I walk home if I don't have an event on in the evening. But other than that, no, I've stopped doing weights. I've stopped. I haven't done a squat yeah since March basically since um I uh I found out my ex was not who I thought he was I just my whole my whole world changed but it's not just about the health right so people are saying

like you're growing differently I had so many people approach me during F1 like just giving me such positive feedback on everything and I was very thankful and lots of strangers come up to me and said how they listen to my podcast and then lots of friends and acquaintances will come up to me like oh my god look at you like what the fuck um which is obviously what's prompted this episode what I want to get down to and the crux of it is thus what I did what the fuck happened to me I got rid of toxic people in my life. And I healed a broken heart by myself. And I did all the work, the mental clarity, the mental healing, the alone time. I sat alone. I broached the storm alone. And I've come out the other side. That is what the fuck has happened.

I got rid of toxic people and I'm not just talking about the fiance I'm talking about friendships as well so I feel like a lot of times we don't know who is really good or bad for us and I mean colleagues family members friends and partners the lot right we actually really struggle to understand what is and what isn't toxic for us. So with many relationships, it's only afterwards when you've left and the emotional connection is gone that you can objectively look back and go, oh my God, that was really negative. What he said wasn't okay. What she did wasn't okay. What happened? That was toxic for me. But when you're in it, sometimes it's very difficult. And it's usually very difficult because toxic relationships across the spectrum

will be interspersed with really good times. Lots of toxic people are fun, they're charming, they're the life of the party, you know. So to be able to step back and be like, well, I love being around this person when they're like this, when they're like that, it's difficult. Your brain can't compute the toxicity side of it. It's a bit like cognitive dissonance. You you can't marry up the two versions. For me this year, after I left my fiance, there was breakdown in friendships as well, which actually happens a lot when you leave a narcissist. There's a lot of times you have friends and family members that seem to not really grasp what you're going through and or kind of semi-side with the narcissist or perhaps think, you know,

like you're the problem it happens a lot and it's something that I just dealt with luckily I have the most glorious friends and family in my life but there was a few hanging around and since they cut off I just felt like I returned back to me it's so strange and I think that's what everyone's acknowledging. It feels like I've returned back to me, even like pre-Singapore, because when I moved here, I was with a narcissist and I was in a horrible relationship. And I only had six months in between that where I was not recovering in the way that I thought I was. Yes, I was understanding NPD. Yes, I was understanding what I'd gone through, but I wasn't looking at my own shit and then I met the fiance and uh yeah that was a shit show as well um but

it was also created around me people that like just weren't good for me just weren't good for me um and so I've kind of along the way just managed to sort of separate myself and um once you do that and you step back objectively and you go fuck like that that wasn't a vibe for me but it's only afterwards. That's a really annoying thing about toxic connections. It's only like when I left a really horrible job, right? In Singapore, after I resigned, I was like, fucking hell, that job made me sick. I looked ill. I looked ill. I looked tired. But I stuck it out for two and a half goddamn years. I'm like, how? How did I not fucking collapse? Yeah, it was crazy. But do you know what mean? It's only the hindsight part. So everyone's asking me, what happened to you? What the fuck

have you done? You look incredible. Your vibe is different. And it shows. I mean, I've done nothing except step away from toxicity, if I'm honest. I haven't gone down the gym route. I haven't stopped drinking or gone some down like diet that's, you know, raw food only. Nope. I eat a lot of steak, as I'm sure you all see on my Instagram. I drink a lot of beer. Oh my God, I love beer. Maybe that's what it is. I have definitely drunk more beer this year than I have in my whole life. I love it. All beers should sponsor me at this point. I love a beer. um yeah and I can drink pints of it as well I'm so British aren't I how am I still single don't know so it's not like a healthy living thing one I've

what I've done is I've gone down like a more spiritual mental self-healing route so in the process of addressing my own um contributions for instance there's a reason I've had back-to-back narcissists I'm a codependent I'm an empath I have no boundaries okay when I start putting boundaries in place with not just the partner but friends and then you start to see the change when you like go like you know no you can't say that no I'm not okay with that then you start to realize who's authentic around you and who isn't so I've kind of done that work as well um I've also stayed alone well not anymore but I kind of was like yeah I don't really need to date like I'm fine um and I just really stuck my heels in during the summer period and weathered the

and let me tell you now from March to July August is the darkest time of my life without fail and I've been through a lot like we know I've been in an abusive relationship I've been beaten up yeah pretty much everything you know my cat scratched me once that was awful but from that was the darkest time 2022 March to July August and I don't like oh I don't know how I got through it because I was completely alone I'd moved out on my own I was getting still abuse from the ex I was struggling with some friendships around me that weren't good for me I couldn't see my family and yeah I was it was really bad it was really bad you know like I can't get out of bed bad I don't want to leave my house bad like I just don't want to be here bad crying all the time

like my brain was almost like malfunctioning I just couldn't think of anything else except trying to work through what I'd been put through and why and why this happened to me again and why and yeah it was fucking awful okay but of course nobody sees that side so now it's like what oh my god look at you what happened to you well because I went through that and I did the work and really I guess that's the moral of this episode that I want to say is you don't people want the butterfly they don't want to go in the cocoon, right? That's it. I'm a caterpillar, and I just want to become the butterfly, but cannot be asked or even dare to go in the cocoon period where I'm in the darkness. It's effort to make the cocoon. I'm unsafe. I could be plucked off by a predator

at any point. It's scary. No, thank you, right? But why am I not a butterfly yet? god my analogy is on point for this so i had no choice i was in the cocoon period because i had no choice i was put in there i can't pretend to be happy that my fiancee is a cheating narcissist i can't pretend to be happy when i'm heartbroken you know so yeah i did it did the work and here i am also note yes i have lost weight i know you guys can but your body's changed yeah i was living with an alcoholic who had more money than sense and would buy and drink and eat anything you fucking wanted and when you're around that it's hard not to you know I'll be like oh fuck it save champagne fuck it take away okay hung over this like never and I did pile on the weight

luckily that's all gone now and yeah I just look and feel very different it's insane I look back at photos and I go god I just don't look like me but it's not just about the weight it's the hair the smile like I look sad in the relationship surrounded by these people I look sad and I remember I used to have a lot of hangover anxiety the next day because the people I was hanging out with they you know I felt that there was a lot of judgment and I'd be oh did I do this did I say this is everything okay and I was very insecure oh my god rather than now where I'm surrounded by like just awesome women and we're all like yeah who got laid last night what happened I got in at five got in at six and it's all fun and just like how it should be

so yeah what the fuck happened to me I got rid of toxicity I did the work mentally the healing the therapy. I stayed alone when I had to be. I didn't fulfill my need for validation with other men. I didn't jump into another relationship. I looked at the way I was being treated friendship wise as well and soon stepped back and realized that wasn't something that I wanted to be a part of anymore and actually wasn't healthy for me. And I went out alone and stuck it out alone. and here I am living my best fucking life literally couldn't be happier I like my dialogue is completely changed I now wake up every day like I'm so fucking happy everything's great life is great having fun's great drunk's great hungover's great work's great work's coming in

in floods nicks do you want to do this nicks do you want to sponsor this and it's just great and when i'm out people are talking to me and there's nothing but positivity and you're all like so anyone who come up to me especially f1 weekend you're so fucking nice this is how i feel i hope this has inspired you this episode because you don't have to go and do a rigorous gym routine You don't have to. It helps. I'm not saying don't. I fucking love the gym.

But I haven't done that because I didn't want to. It didn't feel right for me. I went down a different path. You don't have to, I don't know, abstain from eating things that you want to eat or going out. You don't have to become, you know, like T-Total or anything. It's more about, I think, your mental mindset. I think you've got to start there, which is what I did. I'm putting in the work.

And here we are. Thank you so much for listening to my rambling rant. And yeah, just thank you all for noticing and commenting. It's really nice for you guys to actually say that and to reach out and acknowledge it. Because it makes it more real for me as well. Because I know I can feel it and I can see it. But when it's somehow that everyone else is like, wow, then I'm like, yeah, yeah, it happened. I feel like it's like Phoenix era unlocked.

that's what it is. I'm in the Phoenix era. I burnt, I was ashes, I died a death, and now I'm better than ever before. That's another great analogy, isn't it? I'm going to stop the analogies. As always, if you want to chat to me, you can slide into my Instagram DMs at nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A. And if not, I will see you all next week. thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find

my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick Selina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A, to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.