Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Nixalina's Guide to Becoming a Strong, Authentic, Badass Leading Female

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

Happy International Women's Day everybody!!! To celebrate all the women out there, here's my handy guide on tips to help us all become the best, most badass, versions of ourselves:   Scrap the success, live for the passion. Always follow your own wild heart. You have a voice. Use it. Understand that opinions are not fact. Drop the fear and take the leap. Understand the difference of being confident vs loud & centre of attention. Love yourself more than you love anything or anyone else. Drop any toxic shit in your life. Welcome all competition. Don't shy away from confrontation, hold your own and deal with it there & then. Forgive yourself for past mistakes, You didn't know any better back then. Make that inner voice kind, not critical. Embrace the lows, enjoy the highs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi! Happy International Women's Day! Welcome, women and men. I'm sorry it's not your day. Don't be sad, but you are allowed to listen. Although I don't know if this episode is really going to help you, if I'm totally honest. So today, given it's International Women's Day, I am doing a guide on how to become a strong, authentic, badass, leading female.

Wow. Now, I do get a lot of messages and emails and all that jazz, not just since the podcast launched, but my blog as well for over years from kind of women saying like, you know, you're so confident or like you're so strong and I'd love to be like that. I don't feel like I am blah, blah, blah. OK, firstly, I don't think I'm that strong, if I'm totally honest. Secondly, you can definitely be strong too. And you can definitely start becoming the kind of woman you want to be. Don't idolize anyone, like especially not me. God knows from one day to the next, I have no idea what I'm doing. My family will definitely attest to that. But there are ways that I would like to discuss with you where I think if you're asking for my opinion on how I am the way I am,

and the woman that I want to become as well, because it's always a journey for everyone, right? Like I'm not in an end goal here. Then here are kind of like some pointers in life, tips I would think that might help us all. One, being how I got to where I am now and two, things I focus on to where I want to be. So I'm sharing it with you guys to maybe give you a little bit insight, maybe help you think about stuff you might not have thought about before. And fingers crossed, help you become a very authentic, strong, confident, respectful, badass, leading female. Let's hear it for the girls. God love you all.

Okay, stop waffling, Nicks. I'm gonna. Let's dive right on in. Point one. Scrap the success, live for the passion. What? What the fuck does she just say? Because we're all about success. Yeah, I know. And I'm all about success too. And everyone says, you should always strive for success. Your career goals, your life

goals. Yeah, what I'm actually saying is drop that a little bit. Focus instead on your passion. Let me explain why I'm coming in such a backwards motion with this. When I started my blog, I had no idea back then what the fuck I was doing what my end goal was nothing I was 23 years old in the blogger world that was like old as fuck one of the bloggers I really liked was 16 so I was like shit I am past it and I had no idea what what really blogging meant all I knew was I was doing makeup at a counter and I missed writing that's it that's all I knew I used to work at a magazine I had to resign because I had an affair with the boss. YOLO. Hashtag lolly novel coming. Resigned from the magazine, went to work at a makeup counter, did makeup all day and just

missed writing. So I was like, OK, this blog thing means you can just write about whatever you want. OK, cool. That's as far as it went. There was no I will become UK's voted number one blogger. There was none of that. I had no idea that was even an option. I just followed my passion. So I started writing blogs, read about beauty and fashion, obviously, because I was a makeup artist. So I had the skill set and knowledge. Then I started writing about all my shitty dates because I was like, fuck, man, dating in London is a bloody minefield. Then those articles, they really started getting traction so I was like hang on a minute people are vibing this dating stuff people are living for the honesty they love that I'm just so authentic to shit that

went down embarrassing myself you know I don't sugarcoat stuff if I was a moron then I was a moron um yeah really really started to take off within a year I was signed to an agency fuck no idea what i was doing really i i'm not a stupid woman i'm not gonna play dumb but i never set out for success ever it was passion first and then success follows and i'm really really staying true to that now the same with the podcast that my producer thank goodness emailed me out of the blue i had no idea what i was doing i had no idea about the podcasting world none and I was like okay let's go for it then I realized I liked I liked doing it if I'd done a session in the studio and I thought actually I really don't enjoy that I won't come back because

it's not my passion I think you have to really follow your passion then success comes honestly I think it's that way around don't chase success and grind with a lot of pain and misery and something you don't want to do or you don't love every day because you're chasing success nah no no no follow the passion number two off the back of that always follow your own wild heart why do I say that because when I started my blog all those years ago most of my family and friends were completely against it like oh my god that sounds tacky that makes you sound like you're a sex blogger just makes you sound like you're a prostitute it makes you sound like you're a porn star I was none of those unfortunately never been a porn star never got paid for sex actually

you know it's just a real shame because I think I'd look great on camera my ass honey no no to that no to OnlyFans that's another story but everyone was against it I even had one of my family members basically say look give it up you worked at the magazine didn't work out that's not where the money is become a lawyer or a teacher what like I'm 23 I've done an English lit degree you want me to become a lawyer so you want me to go back and do another whole other what five years eight years you want me to be a teacher I don't like kids I like them now but what a classroom full of them? No. So I felt a lot of pressure to conform to what my family and friends expected of me. It wasn't me. I was the wild heart child. I was the sex blogger. I was the one running around

London, going on dates, dating models, staying out all night in these like Western clubs. that was me I was the girl having an affair the boss and I'm not going to apologize for being authentic to myself right I feel like a lot of us conform to what society thinks we should be like family thinks we should be like friends and other peer pressures work colleagues think we should be like no honestly people do have good influences people do say things that comes from a good place with them but actually it's still all laid with their own opinions and it's still laid with their own their own life experiences you know and it's not easy but you should always follow your own wild heart first and foremost okay because at the end of the day you've got to go to bed at night

with yourself by yourself comfortable and happy with who you are point number three you have a voice use it that doesn't mean you have to all go make your own podcast although welcome if you do yolo I don't know why I keep yoloing today because you know that's really young old that's a young old millennial thing that should have died like a decade ago my bad um yeah you have a voice so the way I see it is lots of people are scared to say how they feel lots of people are scared to speak up especially like the working place you know if there's authority and hierarchy even if you think my ideas are better than that I could do better than that I know what's wrong with that even if that all happens people are still just

terrified to share their opinion in case they're wrong. The only way you become a badass leading female is if you embrace that voice and you don't give a shit if you're wrong. You're going to be wrong because we're all human. We can't be right all the time. That's inevitable. At some point, you will be wrong. That's human. Same for dudes. It's part of who we are. You should use that voice. You need to speak up for stuff that you believe in, for those that don't have a voice. If your passion is child welfare or animal rights or community spirit or the elderly or even just at work in a business meeting where you feel you've been overshadowed or someone's making the wrong call, whatever your inner voice is screaming at you like,

I know better or I should help or I should use your voice. stop silencing yourself because you're scared be wrong embrace the fact that one day you will be wrong you might be wrong every day so what use your voice you have one use it and when you start using it for good things for good things for your own life and for good things for other people around you honestly you will really start feeling the change in yourself and the confidence will follow suit as well i promise you that sometimes i use my voice a little bit too much not gonna lie gets me in trouble. Maybe don't use your voice as much as Nick Salina does. That's probably another sideline comment there. Point number four. Understand that opinions are not fact.

Let's say that again. Opinions are not fact. Here's an opinion. My mum and my sister hate my green hair. They fucking hate my green hair. I bloody love my green hair. They've pressured me for years to try and go back to brunette. My old workplace told me green hair wasn't editor worthy and actually made me die back to brunette. And the year in between where I was brunette, because I was conforming to what my work wanted, and obviously the work pays the bills, i was fucking miserable i hated looking i looked in the mirror and i'm like oh god i'm not nick selena i don't feel like me i don't look like me so after i left the workplace and i set up my own blog and all that jazz i was like sod it i'm going back to green

because i want to be green died it back green love it i obviously still get opinions from people like oh you'd look so much better darker have you tried blonde um no i'm green your opinion is not fact and if i like my hair this color then fuck's given for anyone else no none you have to understand opinions are like assholes everyone's got one it doesn't mean they're facts and when you start ciphering through people's opinions based on their own life choices, their own personalities, what they've been through, you can really waddle through all the shit and actually like take, I guess, advice or information that does help you. But don't allow other people's opinions to affect or change you in any way, in any negative way. Just, okay, that's cool. I really

appreciate that that's how you feel. That's not how I feel though. So there's two people who feel very differently. Who's wrong and who's right. Neither of you are wrong and neither of you are right. But for you, your opinion is right for you. Which is why my hair is still fucking long and green. Number five, drop the fear and take the leap. Okay. I've done this many, many times in my life. So I'm going to give you just one example. I resigned from my job in London. I hated it. This was 2016. Absolutely hated it. I had a mortgage. I had a cat, me to feed because I own my own place where I'm from and yeah I was like I'm so unhappy I'm resigning on the spot just had enough then I'm like fuck okay shit now I don't have a job I never really freaked out I

was proper chill bit too chill if I'm honest I spent the whole summer sunbathing by the castle near where I live having coffees and just I felt like I was living my best single jobless life Yeah, I just trusted that something was going to happen. I've always felt that way when it comes to career. I've just been quite like, if it's not serving me now, I'm off. Something's going to happen. Five months of Skype interviews later, I get offered a job in Singapore. I'd never, ever been to Singapore. Ever. No idea about it. I had to Google it. Like, okay, where is it? What's the culture? I mean, obviously, like, Singapore is one of the best countries in the world. That's my opinion, by the way. That's not fact. However, I think we would all agree.

I love it. Never been to Singapore. No idea what I was doing. Hadn't even seen my workplace. And I said, yes, sign me up. Within six weeks, employment pass was through and a one-way ticket was booked. Could you not? That's how it was.

I'd also in the interim actually met my ex I was going to say I met the love of my life because that's what I always used to say but he ain't but I yeah I met my ex-partner and I was like yo like I really like you but I am actually emigrating the leap of faith changed my world I just can't even imagine I can't even imagine if I had been too scared to do that or I just like it does it's an alien idea to me if I hadn't done it. And I remember when I was interviewing in those five months, I was speaking like, well, with my family, and I'm like, well, I might be moving to Singapore. And they were like, Nix, come on now. You need to look for a job in London. You've been jobless for like two or three months. Like, obviously, it's a sweet, nice idea, but you're not going to move

to Singapore. So like, come on, reality, wake up. And I was a bit like, well, no, why can't I? I mean, they've interviewed me two or three times now I haven't got rejection letter I just powered through with my own faith in myself didn't listen to other people's opinions and yeah took a leap of faith it's scary as hell like I moved here January 2017 and I was completely on my own the guy that I thought I was in love with was back 7 000 miles away my family was 7 000 miles away I had no friends here none I had no idea like about the working culture of what I was walking into yeah shit scary times best thing I ever did if it frightens you it might be good for you and the only way you can really grow is when you challenge yourself and step outside of your

boundaries so it's not just about the career here I mean personal relationships friendships it's just take that leap of faith if it's a wrong decision hey it's the wrong decision you at least you tried number six understand the difference of being confident versus being loud and the center of attention now this is a tricky one because I am fucking loud I was born loud I am loud I can't Like, I don't think I have a volume dial, honestly. I think it's just loud. What I mean here is, when I talk about being a confident, like, leading female, that doesn't mean you have to be the centre of attention in a room.

That doesn't mean you have to walk into a party like, I'm here. That's very different. Being a confident woman can actually be about being very quiet, very observational, very strong in your own silent presence, don't think because you know and perhaps you're quiet or shy or you don't like being the center of attention you don't you shy away from all that that doesn't mean you can't be a confident strong woman you absolutely can it's a very different kind of strength and actually I yearn to be more that way I don't want to be this fucking loud I don't want to walk into a party and then be

talking to everyone sometimes I just want to sit there back and have a quiet bloody drink you get me number seven love yourself more than you love anything or anyone else this is something that i recently learned i'm going through the process still doing a lot of healing still not there yet. But fuck me, I've always loved someone above my own self. Always. You love me, I will give you anything. I didn't realize how badly detrimental it was until I was with someone who took as much as he could off me with giving me minimal return and then blaming me for it all when it went wrong anyway. I didn't realize how much I give to the point I have no boundaries. If you love me, anything below that doesn't exist. And that is a huge problem because it means people

will take advantage. And sadly, there are people out there that do take advantage. I was with one for years. I've never felt more neglected, isolated, depleted, unloved. I just wasn't a priority. And whilst I'm there, bigging him up, putting him on a pedestal. I love you. I love you. You're amazing. I love you. I love you. Amazing. I support you. I'll move back with you. I'll be with you forever. I'm happy to stepmom your son. I'll pay for all our holidays. I'll help you go at Everest. Don't worry about rent. You come live. Don't worry about it. After this, I'll organise all the date nights. I'll do it. I loved him more than I loved myself. And it is one of my biggest regrets. Because if I loved myself more than him, we wouldn't

have lasted a year. Honestly, we wouldn't. It was my lack of boundaries, my empathic soul and my, not obsession, but my need to be in a loving relationship that I thought that validates me. Him loving me or saying he loves me, me having a boyfriend that validates me and my self-worth. Wrong. Absolutely fucking wrong. Your only way you can validate your self-worth is you. The only way that you can be in a real, real loving relationship is when you show up for yourself and love yourself first and I got that all backward so this is something that I'm still deeply working on but it's a huge huge point to becoming such a strong leading female in your own life is to love yourself more than you love anything or anyone else

wait because I do love my cats more than me if I'm totally honest I do love my cats I can I'm happy to love them more than they love me because they're so cute number eight drop any toxic shit in your life that's pretty much self-explanatory friendships work colleagues jobs relationships heck even family if it's causing you misery deep misery and if it's ongoing and it's unresolvable get rid what the fuck are you hanging on for what are you putting up with that for let's be honest we all go to the grave alone so it's a horrible thing to say we do we all go to the grave alone so you've only really got you through your whole life so you were bound to no one by no one to put up with shit that makes you

miserable. Drop that toxic shit from your life pronto. Number nine, welcome all competition. So this becomes more about career focus. Competition's great. You are only ever going to be able to be your best self and know that you are successful in your field if you have competition otherwise. We all seem to think, oh my God, someone like, oh my God, someone else set up a podcast about women's stuff oh no right and I mean I'm number 26 in the Spotify charts cheeky self plug but like okay cool so if someone else sets up a podcast and it's amazing and they're number five right well then that's just gonna push me to keep doing my thing better if they're better than me, then they're better than me. I don't want women to be fearful, scared of having

competition. Actually, it's quite healthy. It really pushes you. Play netball example. When you play a team that's of lesser ability than you, you actually end up dropping your gameplay to suit them. It's really weird. You don't show up as well as you would. When you play a team in leagues above you like they look like they come from the amazon that's how bloody tall they are right you really go ball steep trying to win that game and you up your own game so see life that way if you've got competition a film is better than you they're really going to help elevate you to the best of your own abilities and if they're still better that's okay these girls were in the prem league of netball they like they played for kent

and they played for southeast england and wow i wish my legs were that long motherfuckers but yeah legit you are a better netball player than me you still made me play my best game though and i'm cool with that and that makes it really healthy happy competition number 10 don't shy away from confrontation okay this is a difficult one because it kind of borderlines into being you think you're going to be aggressive or assertive you think you're going to be over the top you're going to be perceived as a bitch you're going to be as perceived as too opinionated I don't mean I don't mean go out and start fights and arguments like yo you look like shit today

what I mean is to be authentic to yourself right to be your own leading female in your own life and to be authentic to yourself you need to learn to hold your own and deal with stuff there and then this is particularly true in the workplace okay you don't have to be loud you have to be mean. You don't have to be spiteful. You don't have to be cruel. You don't have to be bitter. You don't have to say nasty things. You just learn to hold your own and accept that throughout life, there might be confrontation. What I love at the moment is suits. I'm late to the party, but the Netflix series suits. Because every confrontation that they have on that program, no one really raises a voice everyone's giving their opinion and it gets tense and then they

walk away and it's just very dramatic but but not like you know I mean obviously there's like cases where they're smashing stuff or screaming at each other and I think even punch each other at some point but the general day-to-day convo you've got all these people with their very intelligent strong opinions but the way they pitch it is just very I am me this is how I feel I'm not scared of this confrontation okay you might think that I don't I shouldn't work on this case I'm gonna work on this case and that's it like being being able to be in a confrontational situation and hold your own space is so important to making sure that you are authentic to who you are and you'll have that self-confidence in yourself if you keep making sure in all these

situations in your life that you don't then just bow down or go okay fine fine and then you know you're stressed and annoyed i should have said this i should have said that i should have said this that causes you more angst leave it drop it deal the confrontation there and then hold your own be very calm and accept that confrontation happens in your life like again like it's something we can't really avoid. Number 11. Very important one. Forgive yourself for past mistakes. You didn't know any better back then. I have made more mistakes than I possibly dare to recall. I, oh God, career, men, family, you know, like, honestly, we all fuck up. And I feel like sometimes holding on to that past pain of mistakes that we've made just really affects our future and

our present. It makes us fearful of making any decisions again. It makes us fearful of making mistakes again. It makes us, you know, blame ourselves in our head and be negative about ourselves. Forgiving yourself for any past mistakes is such a massive healing tool for you to move forwards in such a positive strong light because you are only human self-growth has to happen out of situations that didn't go you know perfect or weren't always positive self-growth comes from the reflection so okay you know what at least you've admitted you've made mistakes it could be worse you could be like my ex a narcissistic arsehole who can't see you've done anything wrong. Anything he did was blame free. It's a very dangerous mindset to have. The

fact that you know, you made mistakes, actually such a good thing. You're like, do you know what fucked up there? I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have said that. Okay, I think I made the wrong choice. Go around what happened if you have to, but then forgive yourself and let that shit go. As long as you learn moving forwards from that episode or that situation or that relationship, as long as you take away some learning curves, that means that perhaps next time if the same situation happens, you handle it very differently. And that's fucking great. But don't hold on to it. Honestly, it ain't worth it. It really ain't worth the mental anguish. You've got to learn to forgive yourself. Honestly, forgive yourself.

number 12 moving on from that make the inner voice in your head kind not critical I spent many years in my early 20s being so so self-critical oh and then I got to a really good place with who I am and then my most recent relationship twisted me back to being very self-critical again because he was very critical of me as a person and I'm this and I'm that I'm this and I'm that and you know when someone's around you every day telling you how fucking shit you are yeah it's really hard not to let that sink in but what I've learned since the separation is like I'm coming back to my true self that confident loving woman who I was before I am realizing that actually when I follow what I want who I believe I am when I create content that I'm

proud of, then I really, yeah, I'm a very confident, happy, leading female in my own life. That inner voice in your head, that can really impact every fucking decision you make. Try and speak to yourself the way you speak to a girlfriend or your sister or your mom. Make you your first priority in being kind, compassionate, loving and proud of you. It's not easy, is it? Let's be honest. We all have those thoughts. They come and go and you're like, what? And then, you know, 10 minutes later, you're thinking how shit you are and how crap your life is. Where did that even come from? Make it a real positive, active habit that whenever you go into these thoughts about yourself, you actively change them. Okay, fine. So me example, I'll be

extremely truthful here. I did and said some really shitty things about my ex's ex partner when we first got together. So not proud of myself. I hate it. And then I feel like I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I said that I must have really hurt her. And then I think, hold on, hold on. That was me four years ago. I'm nothing like that anymore. I was lied to and gaslighted by my ex to not like the ex-partner. He did and said stuff to make me think that she was the problem. So I had been painted a picture in my head that wasn't true. So I was reacting to the stuff he was saying rather than the reality of who she is, right? Okay. I didn't know any different I didn't know about narcissism I didn't know the man I was dealing with so then I twist

it and go okay okay so I fucked up but that's okay because I'm not that way anymore because I understand why I did what I did and why I said what I said and it's so wrong but there are reasons that led to those things and you know like it doesn't reflect me as a person and it doesn't reflect me as a woman. That's how I then retrain my inner critic. And it's really important for all of us to really practice to do that. You need to make your inner voice kind and loving and compassionate, not critical. And finally, point number 13, embrace the lows, enjoy the highs. As with editing in life, I think if you've listened to my podcast, you know this is something I talk about, there is a half-half, 50-50, dual aspect to everything. There is the highs and the

lows, the good, the bad, the ying, the yang, the young, the old, the rich, the poor, the hungry, the full, the poison, the antidote, cure the curse. Should I go on? I think we got the drift. you will not live your life without any lows right so what you need to do is embrace those low moments accept it sit with it don't try and push it away okay this is shit this is a real shit time for me but it's gonna get better it's gonna get better it's not gonna be like this for forever everything changes everything passes and that includes the high moments as well so when you're really high and you're like oh my god i have never felt so good in my life right that won't hold forever either so you don't try and desperately hold on to that but to the point

you know like you're burning your hands holding on to the piece of rope just wanting to be high all the time ain't gonna happen you need to accept both the lows and the highs you need to embrace both and you need to understand that that will always happen because that is life and we are only human and we have to deal with these kind of situations and you've got your own emotions your own hormones and I feel like the way to understand and make it less painful is to embrace the low moments breathe through it and focus on better days to come and I think once you can do that you'll be you just be very calm and authentic and a badass to who you really are okay sorry for rambling i hope that's helped i hope you feel very empowered i hope you feel like

yes nicks um really love all the advice feel like i'm gonna get somewhere with all of this and please bookmark it and listen to it again and again this is not just applicable for international Women's Day. This is something that we can all listen to, churn over in our minds and really get to grips with through every stage of our life. And on that note, I love you all for listening. And yes, thank you, everyone. And happy International Women's Day to all of my strong, authentic, badass, leading females. Thanks for listening to the Sex and Singapore City podcast. This episode was produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina, and recorded at the Splice Car Studio in Singapore.

I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sexandsingaporecity.com that's sexandsingaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a to find me don't be shy come say hi