Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Nix's 13 Rules to BUM FUN

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

Just because she has a big juicy ass, does not mean she has a big ass-hole.  Did you learn nothing in Biology? 7 seasons in, I've finally opened up the can of worms that is - anal sex. ​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com. Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina. oh I know you've all seen the title seven seasons in and I have avoided talking about anal sex and here we are back the back the back door talking about bum fun specifically my 13 rules of bum fun. That's right. Oh yeah. 13 damn rules that I made up myself. A bit like my six Ts to blowjobs really. I'm just helping everyone out, what can I say, to have the

best sex life ever. Hey yes, we're going to dive right in today with some chat about anal. So strap yourself in, motherfuckers. So, do me a favour, dearest gentlemen. Close your eyes for a moment. Now, imagine that you're lying on your front, relaxed and happy. Got that? Okay. Now imagine, out of nowhere, someone comes along and rams a vibrator up your anus the vibrator is say directly proportional to the size of your dick no more no less okay you got that now imagine if you can the feeling that offers i think it's fair to say it feels like someone is ripping open your insides and you've got instant pain burning pain and the only release is when that foreign object is removed from your back passage does the pain stop there

no no no no because then you get to endure the aftermath burning sensation also depending on how hard they rammed that vibrator up your bumhole you'll potentially have pain trying to walk too, let alone when you next need to use the loo to do a number two. That, gentlemen, is your welcome to bum sex. For a reason that I will never get to grips with, men consider the back passage as some uncharted, forbidden fruit that they simply have to stick their dick into. It's like every orifice needs a welcome mat, doesn't it? Like mouth, bum, vagina, every orifice needs a little, here lies your welcome passage to your manhood. And I am sure it feels fucking great, right, for your penis. I get it. I totally get

it. Because it's tight, right? And you guys, you love tight, wet holes. But I believe these are the three main reasons why guys really go for the bump. One, they want to get a part of you that other guys haven't. You know, have you ever tried anal? Oh no, right? Game on. I'm going to be the first to get her arsehole. Two, it does feel better because it's tighter than some loose vaginal passages. Three, they just love that element of control slash knowing that they've had every part of you, really. It's a male pride thing, I guess, a penis ego. You've won at life. You did up the arse. So, can it be enjoyable? Are there women out there that do like it? You know what? Yeah. Because I'm one of them. I am. But let me

explain I'm not one of those women that can just happily let a guy enter her rear whenever he chooses I have no idea how these women do that because the pain I can only imagine she's either clenching her teeth pretending there's no pain or really drunk um I know that obviously porn stars who regularly take up the arse for their job, like kudos to you. I don't know how they do it. The pain is, oh, it's fucking so painful. But I do enjoy it. So allow me to give you my 13 rules to bum fun because I enjoy it when it's with the right person and it's done correctly here's one example where it wasn't done correctly I'll smash him in the face I was at home with a guy that I was seeing back in the UK years ago only casually seeing I think it was a mistake

But basically, I'm bent over the kitchen counter, and he rams his dick, and he went small into my bum hole rather than my vagina, and the pain rendered me on the floor. I collapsed. Oh, I actually feel sick thinking about it. No lube, no wetness, no, I wasn't aware. I wasn't like, oh, my God, let's have bum fun. I wasn't prepared for it I'm bent over expecting this pleasurable dick in my fucking fofo and he puts it in my bum I felt sick the pain I couldn't I actually had to take paracetamol to try and sleep and I was like oh my god I feel like he's split my arsehole open because I wasn't prepared for

it because they're what he hadn't followed the 13 damn rules to bum fun so if you do that with your woman get fucked well or not as the case may be because that is not how it goes okay and yet I've had other relationships where I actually enjoyed anal because they knew what they were doing because I trusted them and honest to god and I'm not just saying this after like the first five or so depending what five to ten minutes five minutes of pain what happens is is if you get if you get used to it and you relax you go into it then you're like oh hang on a minute this is kind of pleasurable what oh wait the pain's gone and and and he can push a little harder now and a little deeper and i quite like that and the next thing you know there you are

enjoying fucking anal anyway 13 rules this is where we're at today I'm sure you're gonna want another anal episode you guys let's stick with this shall we let's start off at the beginning so point one if she's a one-night stand I doubt she wants bum fun you can feel free to ask her but the chances are you're gonna stick to the one whole goal only okay because for me bum fun requires trust good bum fun requires trust and if you just met her how can she not trust you in the slightest so honestly one night stands i wouldn't even fucking go there unless of course she does explicitly ask you to stick it up her ass given that's the first night you met i'd definitely reconsider that one if i were you do you get what i'm saying you just met her and she's gagging for

some bum fun. I'd say when it's a one night stand, let's swerve, shall we? Point two, if you're in a relationship and you've got the trust established, that's great. When you enter the arsehole conversation, I would say give it like three months of decent loving sex with that person before you approach the back end chat. Because what we want to do is we want to establish really fucking great sex first right you want to have that amazing connection together like you've nailed fucking all the positions and like yeah great great sex is key because that usually is a prelude for really nice good anal sex as well also if i'd like just got with a guy and we've been like the first four weeks he's like can i stick it up your bum i wouldn't consider him as

someone that i want to marry savvy point three standard really find out before her hand her stance on anal so if she says her bum is off limits like that's it never like then respect it right don't ignore her and then shove your dick in there anyway because this will cause you to be hated by her i mean hated to her core if she says it's a no it's a fucking no and really that's not just for bum sex is it that's for all sexual antics across the board right the fact that i have to even say that out loud concerns me somewhat point four if you've asked her about bum sex right and she's somewhat open to the idea okay we're then we got it we got an open channel a wide funnel oh stop we're now going to continue to the below so we're going on

to the rules of the art of actually having bum sex so this is was all a prelude right point one to before on how to get to bum sex era. So now we're at bum sex era. How many times do I say bum sex in one episode? Oh, Spotify, please don't ban me. Let's move on to the actual art of bum sex. Here we go. Point five, use lube. Use loads of fucking lube, right? This area is not made to be entered and does not have any natural lubricants whatsoever and if you don't use anything and you ram it in dry it's going to be so fucking painful that she'll most definitely crumble collapse cry hit you and or run away i can't stress enough you need to smother it in lube smother your dick in lube bum in lube, curtains in lube, bed in lube, bathroom in lube. I want a lube coating on

everything. Right? Lube. Did I say, what? Yeah? Lube. Point six, be gentle. Okay? I can't fathom why you think you can use the same amount of force as you would in normal sex with her arsehole. Please learn the art of the body, right? It's going to hurt whatever way. It hurts with lube. It hurts dry. It hurts. It hurts, okay? Let alone if you have the finesse of a rhino that's been injected with speed. Can you not? Stop, take your time, consider her rectum and start being gentle this is a very different process to normal sex point seven don't shove it all in at once you do it slowly if you ease yourself in and then you ease yourself back out then you go in a little bit further then a little bit out and it's all very very slowly what's

happening is you're getting her body used to accommodating your member in there right so you go really slowly in really slowly out in out and each time you put it in a little bit further then you pull it out everything's very slow you can repeat that process until you're fully in and she seems okay so if she says no no no no no no then you wait pull it out and put a little tip in again she needs to relax and what's gonna happen is she's gonna clench the fuck up as soon as that fucking tip of your bellend enters right so let's not push forward like we're the charge of the fucking light brigade okay slow slowly slowly slowly point eight if she asks you to stop or pull out you do so immediately immediately if it seems like you respect her

wishes and she can control that level of pain and she can control how much or how far like she might even just want the tip in for like the first few weeks even she feels like she's in control she is so much more likely to allow you guys to give it another go down the line also just be like that's just respect right if she says no i've tried it no we gotta stop now you stop just go for the vagina or spunk in her mouth or whatever it is you gotta do and accept you didn't get bum at that time like just deal with it point nine as i said before appreciate that it takes a good five to ten minutes of pain before the girl can actually start to relax and it becomes somewhat enjoyable right so you have to be patient within those first 10 minutes because also after all this is your idea

right or even if it's her idea it doesn't stop the pain so five to ten minutes window that doesn't mean that you can be like oh give it 10 minutes and you'll love it no don't do that you just got to allow that five to ten minutes window of pain slowly in and out in and out and then you know you'll be able to tell by her reaction when she's starting to relax and the pain is starting to subside point 10 don't assume that once you've opened up the back passage you have uncharted access if it's a one-off it's a one-off deal with it you were lucky you got any bum fun, mate, as far as I'm concerned. Point 11. Don't go from normal sex to bum sex to normal sex to bum sex in the same session without changing condoms. Cringes me out.

Listen, you'd be transferring bacteria that should not be transferred and can potentially cause issues right like think about it let's just think about it and please if you watch porn ignore porn from your head for one moment just imagine the bacteria in your rectum and the bacteria in the vagina or even in the mouth if you're going from one to the other and one to the other and one to the other oh it's it's not good okay please no but you're gonna cause their problems and potentially yourself it's not worth it switch your condoms up in between different holes that's all i ask it's bare minimum at this point point 12 just because it does happen in pornos like i just mentioned doesn't mean it does happen in real life um go date a porn star is all i can say if that's

what you want like i said we see stuff like them going from different holes and it's all fine it is a porno it's people are paid actors here this isn't like please don't think you can just replicate that and we're all good no and finally point 13 just because she has a big juicy ghetto ass it's all big and plump and, oh, you just want to grab it, clap those cheeks. Don't assume she then has a big arsehole. Learn biology. The chances are it might be the opposite and her bumhole is tiny. Tiny. Yeah, big arse doesn't mean a big accommodating butthole. okay so just don't make those assumptions bonus point before I sign off if you are thinking about anal sex together and you're still quite

tentative or she's a no whatever you can explore butt plugs so I think these are really good as a stepping stone to get to bum sex goals and it also like she's still getting the pleasure of normal sex but there's now something up the bum that she can kind of get used to obviously start with a very very very thin small butt plug if you're beginners but there is that alternative and it is a nice stepping stone to your ultimate bum fun goal and there you have it dudes and dolls if you follow all of my rules you are set for a brighter bum fun future if you ignore any of my suggestions which I'm sure you will this is the inevitable result she's in pain potential tears probably doesn't even want normal sex now and she may also hate you so really if you think

about it I'm actually delivering this message to help you get that forbidden fruit so really you should be thanking me you should all be thanking me for my pearls of wisdom so you can get anal what has my life become and let me just say before I do run off I know I said I do like it and I do like it but that doesn't mean I've done it in the last few years you know like it's not like oh once you love anal can't stop loving anal no I don't I do it with the men I want to do it with when I want to do it and if they try and they ignore any of those 13 points and they fuck it up the first time that's it bye you're not trying it again and that is the end of this episode thank you so much for listening to me talk about bum sex what a laugh we've all had

oh my little witchy cackle as always you can slide into my dms or my butthole at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a i'm on instagram tiktok and all social media platforms and i will resume next week with a less anally charged episode i'll see you all next week Thanks for listening to the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina, and recorded in the Splice Cast Studios in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google, and all major podcast listening apps.

Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. for more content and features to read you can check out my website nixalina.com that's nixalina.com i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-m-a to find me don't be shy come say hi