Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - "Once a Cheater Always a Cheater" True or False???

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

So, what are your thoughts? It's a tricky one, isn't it.  Let's discuss, shall we!

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast, and I am Nixalina. Hi, it's Nixalina. Happy Monday evening, everyone. I hope you're all well. I hope you had a great weekend and are pumped for the working week. I know I'm not.

Today's episode is thus. Once a cheater, always a cheater. True or false? Oh, this is interesting. You must have heard this phrase. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Or a leopard doesn't change its spots. that is thrown around a lot with relationships and dating and past. And basically, it's saying

people don't change. A leopard can't change its spots. I don't know why we don't say a tiger can't change its stripes, because that seems fair as well. Like, why mug leopards off, you know? Cheetahs also can't change their stripes. Spots? Spots. In fact, no animal, I could go, giraffes can't change their spots why is it leopards we mug off yes that's a question for David Attenborough I think but yeah you're basically saying if you cheat you cheat if you able to cheat then you're able to cheat now you're able to cheat in the future if you are able to cheat on your partner it's something in you that will go on and on and on and you will be reoccurring and you're cheating. This is going to be a hard discussion. This isn't a pointer episode.

This isn't a story time episode. This is a discussion one because it's a big, big discussion. Is it true, this statement, or is it false? I think I'm going to talk about my past. I like doing that, don't I? Well, it's, you know, resources, you know, it's a vat of knowledge and mistakes. My ex was a cheater. He cheated on his wife, who he married, right? Cheated on his wife more than once. I was the third person that he's admitted to that he cheated on. I, however, obviously thought it was never going to happen to me. And, you know, that was just because it was an unhappy marriage and I'm the one, blah blah blah blah blah yeah no weirdly cheated um yep yep started actually shagging a client

before I'd even moved out that once a cheater always a cheater right and I'm I put my whole life savings on it which ain't much by the way don't try and rob me I got nothing um a whole life savings, the next one will get cheated on. Why? Not because once a cheater, always a cheater stands, but because of his personality. He has a narcissistic personality disorder. He is prone to cheating. He needs the constant ego boost. He needs the constant adoration. And he yearns for this stable family life. But when he has it, it bores him shitless. And he wants more. He thrives off the stress, off the drama. He needs people constantly fighting over him. You know, narcissists do like the third party involvement, the little triangle. They love that. That's, yeah, that's all

part of it. Will he always be a cheater? Yes, because of his personality, not because of the act of cheating. You get what I mean? You know, he didn't cheat on his ex-wife and be like, oh, oh, I've got a taste for that. Love a bit of side chick. I'm going to keep doing that because it was so great. The actual act, so he pretends, really, you know, upset him. But as I said to him on more than one occasion, one drunken night is a mistake. Two of them is a choice. Three of them is you're fucked. But you're like, yo, why did you fucking even entertain this cunt in the beginning? Because I believed that a leopard can change its spots in that it was the circumstances, right? The circumstances was he was in a very unhappy marriage. This is what I believed because

this is what I was told. I was lied to about the situation. I was told that the wife is the toxic one that, you know, she had previously cheated, you know, all this shit. So I'm fed a narrative that states that it was circumstantial, the cheating. And now he's met me. Oh, my God. It's the best thing in the world. The sex is so much better. You know, I get him in bed because I'm a freak. He, you know, is so in tune with me. It was, of course, bullshit. But his personality depicts he will always cheat, right? So it's not his attitude towards his relationships. It's not the partners he's been with. It is him. He is going to be a cheat. On the flip side of this, I've cheated. When I was 21, I was engaged, done a podcast episode about that,

13 days of engagement, go me. And I found out after 13 days that he had in fact cheated on me for months. We were young. He was like this blue eyed baby boy, thought he was a lad about town and discovering going up to London and nightclubs and whatever. He cheated. He was getting off with some loser. So I didn't leave him because I was so in love with him, running fucking theme of Knicks, and I forgave him. However, I decided in my head that I was going to cheat on him

to put him in his place, I guess, put it to bed. you know, like, I will forgive you. I didn't tell him this, of course. I didn't sit down and say, hey, I'll forgive you. But guess what? I'm going to go and fuck someone else. I wanted to make it work with him. But I was like, part of me wanted to have sex with someone else and then just turn around to him and say, now you know how it feels. Because guess what? I fucked someone last week. How do you feel now knowing that? Knowing that someone else's penis had been inside of me. and I just wanted to like I guess revenge or you know it's all awful in hindsight like what a waste of emotion and time I should have just said now I'm not getting back with you but I was so fucking

young and stupid so I that was a part of the process of me cheating on him it was a very like pre-meditated idea but then I also started working for a magazine in London met the boss Hashtag Lolly. It's still not written. All right. It's still not written. I hear what you're saying. I promise 2021. Let's be honest. 2021 really has fucked us all up. And, you know, it's gone all around the houses with what's going on. We take five steps forward with COVID times and 20 steps back. So forgive me for not feeling motivated to write. However, I digress. So Lolly is my boss.

I started having this affair with him. I say affair, it wasn't even the kind of relationship I'm having an affair with, you know. We'd only been together 10 months. He proposed because he felt guilty for cheating. He'd been cheating for three of those months, like whatever. And so I slept with my boss. It kind of went away because I didn't just sleep with him once

and then say to my current partner, guess what? Here you go, slept with someone. how do you fucking feel when someone does it to you didn't happen like that I couldn't release my current relationship I couldn't let go of him but then I actually fell in love with the boss as well um it was only about five months in total where I was with the boss and my partner at the same time um and then me and my partner yeah left each other in fact he said to me he was in Ibiza and said, you are as good as dead to me. I thought, yeah, that's quite clear, isn't it? That seals the deal. But yeah, I cheated. Hello, I cheated. I am a cheater.

Am I a cheater that's ever going to cheat again? Absolutely not. Did I cheat on anyone past that? Nope. Did I cheat on my boss that I was then with for two years afterwards? No. Did I cheat on my narcissistic cunty ex who deserved it no I didn't I cheated once um as a revengeful it came from a place of pain I was in so much pain and hurt that he'd done that to me um especially with the whole proposal blow up so I just felt really really fucking hurt am I proud of it no do I even recognize that girl now? No. Sadly, I was a lot skinnier as well. Would I cheat on my current partner? No, not, not for a million dollars. So for me, my story is, hey, we're all humans and we make mistakes, right? We are all just human. We don't have a rule book for life. We don't.

we don't we don't know what's coming around the corner and we don't know when we're going to meet someone and the spark happens they're having a crossover in relationships is quite common obviously most famous one was brad pitt jennifer aniston and angelina jolie um we had justin timberlake and cameron diaz and jessica bill overlap i believe um there's just like it's it's a common thing of an overlap does that mean the future relationship is screwed no it doesn't does it mean that the past one was terrible no it doesn't um i'm sure if you sat down brad pitt um if casual just gonna sit Brad Pitt down in it for a coffee you'd say you're asking about his

you know relationship with Jennifer Aniston he would have nice things to say and I'm sure with Angelina he'd still have nice things to say it's why he married and you know had babies with her so these overlaps of yes it was cheating is once again related to the circumstance okay so does that mean you will always cheat no I cheated yes that doesn't mean I will always cheat I haven't since and that was the one time I did it and I felt sick I felt so sick doing it but I was sadly in love with two people at the same time is that possible yeah because I loved them both at the same time and I just struggled to do the right thing which was end my current relationship I was young and foolish so there's two scenarios just there of yes they will definitely

always cheat no it's circumstances only and my mistakes so it's hard like once a cheater always a cheater is it true or false it's it is true but it's also false right because if you look at the person in question, the person in question's personality, that determines whether it is true or false or not. If you look at the reasons that led to the cheat. So for me, I had been cheated on and I was in a lot of pain. That doesn't excuse what I fucking did. But that's the reason why I did it. If you look at the reason for my ex, he claims he was very angry and pushed into a lifestyle oh, he didn't want and that's why he did it and stuff. But, you know, after I've seen his repeated patterns, there comes a time it's like, you're kind of lying to yourself. The reasons he cheated

was because it's ingrained in him and it's what he needs to function. He needs narcissistic supply and he gets that from other women at all times. So you need to look at the reasons that lead to the cheap I believe there's a big difference to like a one-time drunken mistake or a secret long affair like if my partner came to me now and said I got drunk last night and I fucked someone firstly pour myself a drink no I would um I would leave him I would leave him because for me the trust is broken I can't trust him it would be hell afterwards trying to move on together because I've done it. I've already done it. Trying to rebuild from broken trust is impossible. However, if he came to me and said, I got so drunk last night, I fucked someone. Oh my God,

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Or he came to me and said, I've been seeing this woman for 12 months. It would have a completely different impact on me. Because for me, the premeditated part is worse than the drunken mistake part um I would I still wouldn't stick around but I know lots of people that do manage to get through that drunken mistake and have a generally happy relationship together I'm obviously not well equipped to be okay to rebuild trust in that way um I think I've just had way too many incidences myself with past shitty partners for me to even attempt that But I also know my partner wouldn't do it. I really generally know he wouldn't cheat on me because he's not the type of person to do that. He's never cheated on any of his ex-girlfriends. He's admitted there has been some overlaps. Maybe he's been like seeing someone but not that interested. And then a girl comes along and like he wants to be with her and there's like some mild overlap. But I think that's quite normal as well. I don't do overlaps I did that once as I the story I just told but since then I don't because

I'm just very one one person focused um I don't date multiples and just one person and that's it um I also think when we talk about cheating and um once a cheat always a cheat it your attitude does change as you grow up you know so say you cheated at the age of 17 will you cheat at the age of 35. I don't think so. I don't think that means at all that I'm going to cheat because I cheated when I was 17. Maybe you cheated in your mid 20s. Maybe you thought you were in love with someone and the relationship sucked and you wanted an outlet and fuck someone. I'm not condoning this at all, but I'm saying, does that mean then when you eventually meet the person you're going to marry, the person you love, like, oh my God, I can't believe I found this person. Does that

mean you'll cheat on them because you did before? No, I don't think so. Your attitude towards sex and relationships change as you grow the fuck up. Newsflash, everyone in your early 20s, you think you know it all and you run the world and you're an adult. You are not. Sorry, you ain't. I am not even the same woman that I was when I was 29 I'm really really not um I think I was still a girl my old especially my early 20s fuck me my just my whole ideas and what I want and how I view people and men it's just completely changed this will constantly happen so as you grow up and your attitudes change towards sex relationships etc of course your ideas around cheating will change. Not only that, I think your partner is a big factor on whether you cheat or not.

So I'm not blaming the partner, everyone. But what I'm saying is, could I have cheated on my narcissistic ex? Yeah, I could have because he treated me so badly. If I'd gone out and got attention from someone that I was like, oh my God, this is what I want. Yeah, I probably could have done it. But I'm not saying I went four years without attention. Of course, guys try to chat me up, but I was never interested because I was so in love with my ex. But I could have, I know, I understand it would have been there because I was so unhappy. I was so unloved and neglected, emotionally neglected and put down and miserable at home that I could have met someone that just made me feel alive again and cheated.

There is the option there. My current partner, I would never, ever do that to him. He is the nicest soul I am just so lucky to have met. Just his soul I love. Also, he's fucking huge. It'd probably do some damage to me or the guy. Just, you know, even just cuddling me is like a chokehold. yeah I know when my bread is buttered but yeah I just would never do that and I think the partner

that you're with it is it does play a part it really really does it doesn't excuse it on any level but it does make you I guess consider it as an option if you are that unhappy at home or you're with a very toxic person um they these are also excuses used by people who just cheat i understand that you know like my ex oh my wife was toxic oh nick selena was toxic oh so unhappy and everyone around him's like oh poor you and no one really understands that the root cause to all that pain is in fact the person they're talking to um yeah that's life of an art Okay. But what I'm getting at here is it's such a, you understand, like this whole episode feels very jumpy around because it's such a, it's a discussion and we go back and forth, back and

forth. And it's hard to come to any concrete conclusion because it does depend on so many factors. It depends on, I think, the age and life experience of the person. I think it depends on the personality are they you know do they have a personality disorder are they prone to needing outsourced adoration you know does their insecurity lead to them needing a constant ego boost you know this always happens when someone's a very broken person inside okay that they can't fulfill themselves and fill the hole and they need that sexual gratification that energy of someone else to make themselves feel better. Does this person have this person had past trauma? Maybe this person has actually always be cheated on themselves. So they don't actually respect

the trust in relationships because they've never had it. You know, that's also an option. I cheated because I've always been cheated on that kind of bitter. I want to get in their first vibe. maybe the person cheating is just young and stupid maybe there was alcohol involved maybe the person cheating has been in a lifelong unhappy relationship and it's found someone that sparks their soul so they cheat it's not okay it's not okay but what i'm saying is there's so many different reasons that can lead to cheating once a cheater always a cheater true or false fact or fiction guys girls I don't know me personally my personal opinion it's false I believe it's very circumstantial I believe there's

so many outside factors into cheating I believe that all humans make mistakes at some point in our lives. And I believe that the desires and sexual gratification for a lot of people is a very strong pull, very strong sense in their life that they need. I also believe as well that there are people out there who will always cheat. There are personalities that are always going to be prone to cheating. And I believe that honestly, once someone like that can cheat and get away with it it does give them that open book to carry on oh I got away with it once or she forgave me once so why wouldn't I carry on I know I can talk around that kind of attitude I believe that it depends on the upbringing but there are some people that you know have had I guess some trauma

or any kind of experience in their life where they failed to trust someone and that causes them to cheat. We could just go on here. Oh God, isn't it so hard, right? I'd love to know your thoughts on this. Do you believe once a cheater, always a cheater? Do you believe leopards can't change their spots? Hang on, flash here. Actually, leopards can't. I believe that. They genetically physically can't change their spots. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. They can't. We believe that. That is fact, isn't it? We got hit up David Attenborough again, but I'm pretty sure like if I said, can a tiger change its stripes? He'd be like, no, Nix, it can't. So yeah, well, ignore that. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Can you change? Do you cheat once

and forever become a cheat? Are you labeled a cheat because you did it once? Do you cheat often because you can or because it's part of your makeup is your mindset you know I want to know what you think please hit me up on instagram at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a if you have any cheating stories especially reoccurring cheating stories come at me share let's talk it out and maybe i'll do a follow-up episode about the stories that i get of course it will be anonymous but maybe we can talk about this more and perhaps come to a more concrete conclusion with all of your input and that's the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me

nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and sexandsingaporecity.com. That's sexandsingaporecity.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.