Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Part 2 - The Recovery & Road to Happiness After a Toxic Relationship

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

Recovering from a toxic relationship is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to go through. There are things you can do to help speed up the process and push forth with your own healing and growth. From my recent personal experience, I hope these tips help you all in a time of need. For more content, head over to: http://sexandsingaporecity.com/ Or come say Haiiiiii Nixxxx on Instagram: @nixalina

this podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships sex and love it may not be suitable for younger listeners this is the sex in singapore city podcast and i am nick selena hey it's nick selena and welcome back to part two of the recovery and road to happiness after a toxic relationship thank you all so much for your feedback on part one I really appreciate it here we are with part two the final bit of the trilogy this is point seven to thirteen I hope it was worth the wait and I hope it helps you as much as part one did number seven the rebound replacement if you're dealing with a narc like me there will be a new narcissistic supply before

you've even finished it's a known trait it's what they do don't be jealous of their rebound once again in your research stage because like i said these are all mixed up and it's all a journey the whole thing you can research why rebounds fail listen to my episode on why you should never rebound after a breakup it's all valid points it's all pretty factually correct rebound relationships fail they don't work because people enter into them all wrong like my ex is using her for sex for comfort he's not interested in marriage or babies he's like not interested in anything long term if he is great good luck to you both just so happy it's not me at this point like I just that's all I can be thankful for like you're her problem not mine anymore but don't be jealous of

the rebound replacement I know this is really hard and when I first found out especially because I was still so madly in love with him oh my god it cut me up more than I can ever put into words I have never felt I keep saying I've never felt pain like it I haven't this is the worst pain I've ever been in and worse than physical pain because I've been punched in the face a few times I've broken a few ribs um yeah physical pain is shit but mental emotional pain is probably the worst worst pain for me because I love so hard and so I suffer so much harder and when I realized it wasn't real for him at all and I was just being used to give him what he needs and what he wants in life um that's a really hard pill to swallow especially when you can't keep food down because

you're so mentally fucked don't feel sorry for the rebound you will go through phases where sorry don't feel sorry do feel sorry for her don't be jealous um don't fixate on the rebound it is just a rebound and even if it isn't you have to hold on to the fact that it's a toxic relationship for you in my case he's never going to change because narcissists can't they just they cannot if you're thinking oh you know my ex is going to like run off into the sunset with this person and whatever or whatever are they really though and if they are is that your problem I know it's easier said than done I've just been through the worst pain of my life like I was crying a lot on a long long time and I was in a lot of pain but I've started to realize that even if he announced his engagement

to her tomorrow which knowing his timeline could legitually it could happen it's been what three months I mean he was still fucking me at the same time of course but you know c'est la vie no one has feelings as far as he's concerned but yeah he could pop the question tomorrow that would be the kind of thing he'd fucking do especially if she I don't know she's rich oh he loves that if that happens if he announces his engagement tomorrow example doesn't affect my life in any way shape or form it just makes it just reiterates for me how shitty the relationship was okay like if someone can replace you like you are nothing that is such a huge red flag on them as a human and this is the kind of people you don't want in your life for your foreseeable future so if there

is an immediate rebound that's another red flag and another good sign that you've done the right thing by getting out of this relationship so his behavior since we separated has only reinforced exactly what i have thought already and he doesn't realize he's so textbook that he's done every single thing that a narcissist would do all the while telling me constantly oh i'm not a narcissist you are you are so yeah don't feel jealous or envious of the rebound you see it as a blessing for you that he will now leave you alone and that actually it's just another sign that he's a dick Because if you move on, if we're in lightning speeds, as if the other person doesn't exist, as if the love you had never happened, you're a dick. Okay?

Point eight. No contact. This means no social stalking. This means no messaging to any of the flying monkeys. If you're a narcissist, listen to the story, the episode about that for the flying monkeys. Don't contact them. Did I manage to do that? No, absolutely fucking not. Do I wish I'd done that? Absolutely. Because if I'd done no contact, like what my research told me I should do, like what all my friends

and family told me I should have done, I wouldn't have still been sleeping with him. I wouldn't have still been seeing him. I wouldn't have found out about his stupid little rebound twat. And I would be better off now. But all I did with contacting him was allowed him, because he's such a spiteful man to cause me more pain the stuff he told me about her is diabolical like he told me oh yeah she's all right at sex it's not it's not the sex between you and i but it does the job oh the sex was really awkward at first one because i bought the wrong size condoms and it was really really awkward and weird oh yeah no she's all right like she's not you though i've tried to move on I really really tried I can't I think I don't know what to do I'm so conflicted I'm so

confused I let him torture me mentally by triangulating me with the new girl because I was still in love with him if I'd gone no contact I wouldn't really know about her and I would be in a very different place very very quickly you know this episode would have been done like two months ago. I didn't. So learn from my mistakes, okay? Because all you end up doing is causing yourself way, way more pain than you should have. And yeah, it fucking hurts. And you don't need to know. Why do I need to know that, you know, he went rounders on Christmas Eve because he had nothing else to do. I don't need to know that. I don't need to know he calls his little sweetheart and his angel. I don't need to know what their first time sex was like. I don't need to know that it

does the job, but it's not our sex. I don't need to fucking know any of that. All I did was open up channel of communication between him and me so he could carry on mentally torturing me because causing me pain seems to get him off. I guess that's the crux of being a narcissist. Whether it's a negative or positive reaction as long as you get a reaction you feel in control and we split up so you're not going to get a positive reaction so you're going in for the negative because that makes you still feel you're in control yes no contact please don't stalk looking at the photos won't help i'd know i tried it doesn't change anything don't call them up drunk i know i did it doesn't change anything don't message their mates don't reach out don't do anything on social

like please dear god learn from my fucking mistakes and go no contact you have to bear in mind this episode is called a relationship a toxic relationship this isn't a normal breakup and in a toxic relationship you have to go no contact number nine get a support system in place I had my friends and family talked it out talked it out talked it out one of my best friends talks me every single fucking day about it and any moment where I feel like I am on death's door emotionally she just bowls on in and like look this is the facts this is what he's really like this this this is this and she really brings me around I don't know where I'd be without her and the rest of the gang like I've got such a strong girl network now it's I feel so lucky and they

just support me every damn day so yes please talk it out get your support system in place and be open and vulnerable because you need to experience your vulnerability and your pain with people that you can trust because that's part of the healing process for you is to talk about it accept it get it out there have conversations and yeah you will start to heal number 10 I'm going on the above therapy and coaching love my therapist she's been with me since March love you babe she's heard all about me and my past she was obviously with me when I was still in the relationship and then with me when it ended yeah love her literally love her so much I will have her in my life for evs sometimes I'll probably just turn up and be like

yo got nothing to talk about I just wanted to see you for an hour let me pay you loads of money yeah get a therapist um also like for me there's a thing called a narcissistic recovery coach or narcissistic narcissist abuse recovery coaches and recovery therapists as well there's a whole spectrum of those if you don't want to pay for anything you can find online support groups you can research your particular you know thing of what's going on with you and get people that can help you or talk to you who've been in a similar situation for free or message me because I got time a day for everyone and anyone who's been through this like you yeah I'm here for you for sure never never not message me because I will respond and I will help I promise

number 11 being alone is not the same as being lonely say that louder for the cheap seats at the back being alone is not the same as being lonely you are not lonely you are alone and let me tell you this right now you being alone is in much better place than your ex in a rebound relationship or fucking his way around the island trying to fill that void which will be there forever you are not lonely lonely is a choice alone is a fact I was feeling very lonely as soon as we broke up and that's normal and you guys will as well because you're used to having company you're used to having someone to hold my you know your hand at night in bed like I loved having him around well when it was nice um I loved having him there as you know to cuddle too I'm so

affectionate like so affectionate you think my cat is needy physically oh my god I'm so much worse so to go from having someone there that I cuddle up to the whole night hold his hand you know wake up and I run out to see him used to run out into the living room like I'm awake now naked obviously yeah I just want to every time he got home from work I just wanted to cuddle him on the sofa, even though he wasn't fucking interested because he was on Instagram looking at women. Obviously, it's way more important than your relationship, right? But yeah, that all goes. So you are struck with, oh my God, loneliness, right? But what you need to do is reframe that to I'm alone and that is okay. Because when you're alone, you're peaceful, you're stress-free,

you're relaxed you're not burying yourself in another human but like it's just not getting complicated you are healing you're doing your work you're doing your inner work right now you are not delaying the process you're not delaying the heartbreak you're living for it you're suffering for it and let's be honest the way you are now you're such a fucking mess you're no good to anyone anyway you you need to be alone because yeah you have to you've got to get through this shit on your own honey and when you get there which is what I got to oh my god you feel like fucking Wonder Woman I can't tell you how different I feel about myself about my life I've gone from fearing Sunday nights on my own to loving Sunday nights on my own I've gone from

fearing you know like going to bed crying my eyes out to like oh my god I want to go to bed early tonight. YOLO, 33 years old. I'm old now. But yeah, it's not the same. Don't make it the same because it's not. You are not lonely, honey. You're just alone. Number 12, don't play the victim, play the conqueror. This is a difficult one, love, because you are a victim, but you don't need to act like one anymore. You're a victim of a very toxic relationship. You're a victim of a very abusive emotionally, like, or even physically abusive. I don't know what you guys are going through. So of course, that's an option. But wherever you're on the receiving end of, you are a victim. But if you stay stuck in that victim mindset, you're perpetuating the cycle. So you

have to do your research. You have to do your healing. You have to cry out. You have to embrace the sadness, the, I was going to say loneliness then. I mean, yes, you have to embrace that as well so you get okay being alone but even probably mild depression or panic attacks you have to get through all that yes you are the victim but there comes a point where you are now only harming yourself you are only hurting yourself you've got no contact you're on your own completely you've got to get out of that victim mindset now and say like i am gonna be the survivor the thriver the queen of life you've got to get yourself out of this like trapped victim mindset because that will then carry on into your next relationships and there comes a point when you go enough is

enough right I've lamented over this c-u-n-t that's the first time I stopped myself swearing by the way I feel so grown up I got myself over this bad bad man and now I'm I'm not his victim anymore because I don't want any attachment to him. He doesn't get to be the person who victimized me. He gets to be an ex that I'm so thankful I got rid of. That's it. And now I'm pushing forward with myself. I am the conqueror, not the victim. And final point, number 13, unlucky for some or all of us, you can now start dating again. So when you've done all of this work, you can get yourself out there you can start dating again and you know that you're not dating because you're so needy and lonely and broken like this isn't a rebound you're not after just having

sex to fill the void of your ex you're not after a man to put his arm around you because you're desperately soulless you are you healed strong happy you're happy alone which means any guy you now let into your life is going to be there because you want them there and because they're an addition they're not filling any hole well let's hope they are honey you can fill any of my holes any day okay you know who you are that little comment for um yes you can begin dating again you can begin having like fun again and you'll realize when you start dating and you meet some amazing men, you're like, fuck, what was I even doing with that douchebag in the first place? But get your healing done first. This is the recovery and my road to happiness roadmap

I've listed out here. And I'm on the other side, as you can probably hear. So yes, please do take my advice on board. It's from very, very personal experience and a lot of research and not just one breakup many breakups so I'm not saying this lightly I hope it has helped please message me if at any point you want more info on this but this is the final in my trilogy happy Monday guys and thank you for listening thanks for listening to the sex and Singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new

episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and sexandsingaporecity.com. That's sexandsingaporecity.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A, to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.