Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - REAL Love is Slow to Grow & Takes Long to Go

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

In case you all needed a reminder (I know I do)  

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina. Welcome back to me. Hi, me. thank you for joining me for another week of my podcast this episode is quite insightful it is called real love is slow to grow and takes long to go i come up with that one by myself by the way but cheers

shower thoughts oh yeah that sounds right real love is slow to grow and takes long to go so let's look into this we all know that um I had a whirlwind romance last year um actually it's that's not a one-off the guy before him the four and a half year guy also was extremely fast at the beginning and at the time every time I thought I'd found real love fantasy love fairy tale love movie love. I met this guy. I'd seen him in the street. Suddenly, you know, we're inseparable. Or I met this guy at a party. I go back to his. Suddenly, we're inseparable. What was happening, reality, was I was being love bombed, which is a huge, huge red flag. I am susceptible to being love bombed because I'm quite a naive genuine empath who is authentic

assumes everyone else is authentic and I'm also a high romantic you know I grew up reading all the great literature works and assumed that I would find my prince um yeah so I'm kind of like core bait for the kind of people that like to love bomb and get you in a whirlwind romance. At the time, I did think it was real love. At the time, I believe they also thought this is real love, right? Because they were so obsessed and the intensity of it. But now I've come to understand that they were, I'm going to use the last two examples. There's many more examples in my past dating history, but the last two, they were actually very toxic men. And speed is the narcissist's weapon of choice. Yeah, speed, time and speed. So what they do is they fast track

everything, you know, massive declarations of love, you know, huge gifts, like false future faking. I'm going to marry you. I want babies with you. I had it from both of them within the first few months. In fact, the four and a half year narc actually left his wife for me after know me a week yeah you heard right I'm like oh my god yeah you found real love with me and all this shit no no he just saw that I was prime narcissistic supply he also was obsessed with my like celebrity status I guess I don't know I hate I hate that word but he liked the lifestyle I had And then when I moved to Singapore, that was like gold dust to him, clung on to me like bacteria for the years until we moved here. As soon as he moved here, he treated me like utter shit and then ran off with women on the island.

Cheers, bro. But yeah, the same with the ex-fiancee. Proposed within the first six months, moved in together in three months. within the first three weeks, four weeks. It's like we're together. I love you. Here's a really expensive ring for your birthday. I'm so rich. So it doesn't mean anything. No, it does. It meant a lot. What it meant was you were fucking love bombing me and you're using your money to try and sweep in so that I'm going, oh my God, he's the best thing ever. Speed is a narc's weapon of choice. So I can objectively say real love is slow to grow. I think infatuation and lust at

first sight exists and takes over a lot with all of us. And yes, it's normal. You know, those like butterflies and oh my God, I've met someone and look at them. Look at his Instagram. Oh my God, look at the ring texting me. Yeah, I get all that. But it ain't love at the beginning. It's infatuation. It's lust. It's feel-goods. It's endorphins. It's your dopamine hits, right? Real love needs respect. It needs trust. It needs a deep connection. Real love needs a physical safe space together and that takes time time now I remember you're thinking you're a hypocrite nix let me tell you why no I'll tell you why because I know I am I remember when I got engaged after six months and it was like when you know you know I would never in a million

fucking years I've had anyone tell me otherwise about that man except that he was perfect and I had hit the jackpot. For me, I was so comfortable at home. He made me laugh. Sex was great. I mean, in hindsight, but I mean just at the time, this was my vibe. My family liked him. My best friends liked him you know like he was really affectionate at the time you couldn't have told me otherwise and yet as we all know only four weeks after he put a ring on my finger he's at the fullerton waiting for his little skank to turn up to fuck her right is that real love then is that if you know you know is it no of course it's not he pops a ring on my finger and then he pops himself into a cab and orders champagne to try

and fuck another woman you've just got a fiance mate like pick a lane pick a fucking lane you want to be single be single you want to get married get married pick one sadly bro they don't coexist together do they unless we had the conversation where you want to be in an open relationship and I would have said absolutely fucking not see you later there we go but that isn't real love love real love is not dramatic it doesn't have highs and lows it doesn't have intense feelings of highs and lows and fights and makeup it's it certainly doesn't have betrayal It doesn't have lies. It doesn't have a double life. Real love is consistent, stable, mature, kind, safe. Real love is something that you have to nurture together. It's not a thing you just get.

oh hi i've met you um should we have real love let's go for it you you have to it's a shame isn't it it doesn't work that way can i go buy some real love please i'll pick that one he's hot thanks you have to nurture it together you have to be together you have to understand that it's something that grows right and it's slow to grow how do you know in three weeks if you trust this person. Fuck me. When I was with my ex, I was saying I love you a month in. Like he was sitting at the dinner table with my friends celebrating my birthday with me. I'd known him a month and I'd seen him six or seven times. And then I've already got proof that there was another woman in that time as well, that of course he'll never admit to. But we're saying like, I love you or

whatever. How? I don't know him. I know what he's telling me. And what he's telling me of who he is, is a fucking dream. But that's what it is. It's a story he's telling. It's not him. I met the real him as soon as I moved in with him. And that actually seems to be a case for a lot of the toxic types of men where once you get locked in, maybe with moving in or maybe with a proposal or after you get married or after you have a kid, that's when they reveal who they really are. And it was like two different humans. It's like suddenly I was living with a monster. I've gone from being this hottest, like most perfect woman in his eyes to doesn't even want to have sex with me he would rather go out and get off his face with his clients or his mates

like completely devalued and I'd done nothing wrong all I'd done was move in with him and accepted his proposal that's it it just like the mask fell off real love doesn't work that way real love doesn't suddenly turn away from you in the middle of the night once you start living and sleeping together. Real love doesn't make you suddenly become sexless or mean. Real love doesn't suddenly put you bottom of the pile, having put you at the very top of the pile. That's not, that's really, really toxic, fake love from someone who is incapable of real love, from someone who has presented a false sense of self to you. They found out your wants and your needs and they sold themselves as exactly that.

It's fucking insidious and it's vile. And when you realize it, in hindsight, you're like, Jesus Christ, you are like a bad human. Real love is slow to grow. It takes time. It takes trust to be built. you don't just trust a stranger do you you don't go I've met you you're cool everything you say I trust no because I mean I'm very naive sadly I do trust a lot of people on their face value but once you get burnt a billion times you start to realize that not every human is genuine or authentic

and with the final part of my episode title it takes long to go I want to touch on this as well So with like real love, with a breakup, you don't suddenly see your partner out the following week, like on social media, happy in a relationship. They don't suddenly go out for drinks and meet all these women or guys and be living their best life. That's impossible. When that happens, and it happens often, usually that means they weren't really in love with you. It wasn't real because real love takes long to go. because real love is painful when you've got to let it go and it gets you every day. Real love isn't I'm going to go off and suddenly be in a relationship next week.

That usually means you're dealing with a very toxic person if you're witnessing this. Often they'll do it to cause you damage, to cause you more pain, they'll do it out of spite, but they'll usually do it because they need validation from other human beings. sex give me more sex I need sex I need someone else to adore me I need narcissistic supply all of it I need every girl to want me I need to fuck them all that's really great right that's usually the angle after a breakup because you've caused them an ego dent and you've caused them injury by saying hey you're not good enough to be in a relationship with me they this we are breaking up they can't handle it so if that's the case and that's what your ex is doing as soon as you

break up it's it wasn't real love real love is when you have to like heal and it takes time to go and you suffer and you think I just don't want to love this person anymore I wish I could wake up and just let go of this pain it's so much pain but it takes time it takes a long time to fall out of love with someone, you don't do that in a week. You don't do it overnight. I'm four months, five months in now. And I've only just, just got there where I'm really awesome by myself and happy and I'm dating and I'm dating authentically. You know, half the time when you break up with people, if they run off into the arms of someone else, that ain't gonna last. It's a fucking rebound. and not only that it's not genuine they're literally going for the first person who will

spread their legs for him or give him a cuddle when they want to cry and play the victim that's it that's all it is i've watched it a billion times i've heard about it from you guys a billion times i've experienced it more often than i wish for and yeah every time i weren't wrong nope so yeah it takes a long time to go sadly but if you're in that phase just know just be thankful for you it was real love it's very disconcerting mentally when you're going well hang on a minute it was real love for me then because I'm sitting here in a lot of pain I can't get out of love with them or whatever I do or don't do they're running off the next breath with someone else. So what does that mean then? Does that mean that it was real love for me

and not for them? So if it was real love for me, was it real love? I get it. It's a very confusing concept. We can trick ourselves many a times into thinking something is real love when it's not. And I'm just explaining the different circumstances and situations where you can look back and be like actually was not real love. And this is why. Do you know why? Because real love is slow to grow and takes long to go. And I don't care what these people, like whoever they are, female, male, oh my God, no, this is it. This is us. No one gets us. I had this. I was defending him three months in because we're moving in together and people in my DMs like, babe, just take it slow, I'm like, no, no, this is it. I had no fucking clue that I was being love bombed again by a

narcissistic asshole again. But now, thank God, not only am I out the relationship, but I'm also doing the healing that I need to make sure this doesn't happen again. Because obviously going from narcissist to narcissist is something that I need to fix. And I am going to do an episode on that because mostly people think like why did you go for it again actually it's the most common pattern of behavior ever um so yes stay tuned for that one but yeah when it comes to me i at the time i defended them to high heaven i had no idea and it's only in hindsight where i realized fuck it was all it was all bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit it wasn't real love it was infatuation and it was lust and it was narcissists realizing they've got a grade A supply in me and then once

we got together and we were living together the devaluation phase happened and the only reason the narcissistic rage came out on me was because I discarded them both first. Usually it goes devaluation and then discard and they get rid of you and move on in lightning speeds but with both of them, I actually got rid of them first. And then I got full hell of rage because of that. So yes, if you needed to hear this, I hope this has helped. Always step back. I know emotions can get us sucked in. I am purveyor number one of that. Step back and go to yourself. Is this real love? How well do I know this person? How safe do I feel? When I say I trust them, have they proven and they're trustworthy, how will I know? Do I feel relieved with them, at peace with them?

Do I feel consistent with them? Are my ups and downs, is there fights where there shouldn't be? Am I on edge? Is my anxiety high? Do I fear this is going to end? You know, sit and talk to yourself about all these kind of things if you're concerned. And yeah, hopefully you'll find your answer. slow to grow long to go that's all i have to say thank you for listening this is the end of this episode please please join me next week so we can discuss more awesome things about sex dating and love peace out thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina, and recorded at the Splice Car Studio in Singapore. I'm available to listen

to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google, and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more awesome content and features to read, you can check out my website, sexandsingaporecity.com. That's sexandsingaporecity.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.