Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - She Said, He Said - Dealing with Double Standards Between Men & Women

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

Yes, he's back.  Season 2 sees my co-host Paul Foster return to the mic for more epic episodes of She Said, He Said. His returning topic? Double Standards!  Let's see what he has to say about this shall we...

this podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships and sex it may not be suitable for younger listeners this is the sex in singapore city podcast and i'm nixalina watson hello welcome back everyone to another monday so it's a sex in singapore city podcast kind of monday and i am so happy to be back in the studio with my she said he said go host paul buster how's it going everyone it's been a long time like what eight months nine months uh that sounds about right i think we we recorded our last sessions in january yes yes yes so which is which is insane um but i guess a good thing is everyone really misses us so that's why we're back

they were like where is your podcast gone in fact i did get a message actually about yeah two weeks ago and was like um and i feel like it was a slight dig like um where's your episodes with paul yeah yeah yeah like thanks for continuing your podcast but where's paul gone uh i i like this person already i like it i like it i actually weirdly just rearranged to see paul so i was like wow it was just spooky timing but yeah that's the kind of messages i'm getting so unfortunately he's back and i'm not going anywhere if we can help it but uh shout out to uh to to splice studio as well and ken for this this epic setup here i obviously you've been in you know to to record already but it's my first time back and i i'm loving how we've got the social

distancing going we've got the acrylic screen so this is like i mean there is really no no contact here um we can still see each other from afar which is really good which is important but uh no really really cool really cool take a photo afters we'll put it on our stories yes we can people can say yeah super impressed yeah and it's um professional and means we can still talk shit yes which is the most important thing so what's the first topic we're gonna talk shit about today We ain't going to talk shit about double standards between men and women. Wow. Okay, this is a tough one.

It is. I mean, they're all tough. We engage in some serious conversations. Yeah, I don't let you off lightly. Yeah, yeah. But this is definitely going to open a can of worms for a lot of people, I think. This is going balls deep. My favorite way.

I feel like you're going to be better. See, I reckon just for people who maybe perhaps don't understand, maybe just describe what double standards means. Okay. Well, to me, my definition is, you know, you thinking and living and doing things one way. Yep. But then when someone else does it that exact same way. Yep. You call them out on it and, you know, you're not happy with the way they've done it just because it wasn't you.

Yeah. i think that's the easiest way i can i can kind of define it so something yeah so something is okay for me to do or me to say but if someone does the exact same thing not okay with that yeah yeah that's pretty much double standards yes yeah and you know for me i despise that i think you know it's just being a hypocrite is just a big no-no um yeah because i was gonna say being hypocritical is same same like yeah to have that to put that barrier down and say like yeah you're not doing that and then like i don't know two weeks later a very soft example like you know don't eat my chocolate right do not i don't know how soft that is man i mean i i don't fuck him up i know

relationships that have have been broken because of that i have to write names on chocolate bars I have to buy our own chocolate bars. I'm like, you do not cross this line. But that's another topic. So say I was like, right, dude, you do not touch my chocolate. And then he's like, fine. Like we say we have separate foods. And then he comes home and I've eaten all of the chips.

Yeah. That are his chips. Yes. And he's like, that's a very easy example of double standards. Like you don't eat my shit, but I'm going to eat your shit and it's okay. Yeah. Unless he also made the rule to you that he said, don't eat my chips. I guess that would be the caveat there.

But if he didn't say it, then it's like, hey, sharing is caring. What's up? And you guys are still together, right? Just making sure. If he keeps eating my fucking chocolate, we won't be. Fuck you. I've now just stolen Ken's M&M's. Guys, guys, you can hear the pack.

She literally just lifted up above the screen. Oh, no wonder the chocolate analogy was, the example was there. I've now just stolen Ken's chocolate. So it's just now going round and round in circles of chocolate stealers. So listeners, thanks so much. This is probably going to be our last session here because Ken's never going to invite Nick Salina back because she stole his chocolate. Oh, I can be back though.

I'm allowed back so far, I think. So we'll figure something out. That's almost doubles it up. so when it comes to doubles all right i'm gonna give a scenario of which i am well aware that i have a very high double standard hypocritical nature and it's not something i'm proud of okay hey first step is acknowledging that so that's i'll give you that and i have some issues with my double standards lifestyle so say it comes to um uh phone reading example i'm like you know i want to i want a phone reading household where we both feel we can be honest with each other and

just pick up each other's phones and like there's no oh my god you're touching my phone because i know lots some there's people out there that are like you never go through my phone some guys have this like very recent guy has this boundary you don't go through my phone whereas i want a very open also but then if he picks my phone up i'm all like what are you doing right whereas i'm saying it probably just to give myself leeway to be able to read his fucking phone right that's serious double standards that's that is a serious one yeah definitely i'm looking at you now i know straight in your eyes and i'm yes but i'd never take my phone off him or anything but i'm not oh it's fine you know i'm always like why why what are you doing you know yeah so i guess it's

that so you wouldn't you wouldn't get angry and upset and you wouldn't snatch your phone back but you'd still be like hey buddy you you shouldn't it just puts me on edge yeah you shouldn't really be looking through my phone not that he to be fair he doesn't actually oh yeah and not like you're hiding anything no it's just like no there's still some also there is some privacy boundaries still but which of course and I always find reasons to break them but then try and demand them back you know I'm being generally honest here because I love it I love it I'm selling myself as a really shit girlfriend but it transfers into like like colleagues at work you know or or friendships I'm like I can have guy friends you know why don't you trust me I

can have guy friends I can do not that he ever moans but that's like you know you should let me have friends with with males and females it doesn't matter about the gender yeah if he has a fucking female friend that i think gets too close really oh yeah yeah is he okay with me now yeah yeah okay good in fact you're actually a very good example because the fucks he doesn't give right yeah whereas if this was the other way around yeah i'd be like i'm not cool with that oh that's that's interesting yeah i i would be like no you nah i didn't pick that i mean i thought you were open enough um that and confident enough and you know like comfortable open confident that you just be like yep sure whatever but no but if you do have a feeling that it's not there's a

that's not sitting quite right there has to be some sort of reason and it might not be from him like you said it could be from the the the girl yes the third party involved right right right um yeah okay fair enough though yeah but at least i'm honest about it yeah because like there are so many scenarios and i'm like oh my god if this was i always say if this was the other way around you're like yeah you'd go fucking ape shit fair enough fair enough fair enough but that i think that's a really really good example because living through my life i've experienced that a lot right but not not from me again i don't i do not care you can have as many guy friends or girlfriends as you want it's it's all good um but i've experienced it where i've

had a lot of friends who are girls that would start dating a guy and that guy would not want them to have a guy friend i'm just like so i would actually lose friendships that way um or uh i guess another example would be say you start dating someone and they're like oh i don't want you to be friends you can't be friends with any of your exes yet they are still in touch with someone their exes and i'm just like that does not you can't do that that doesn't make any sense that's wrong yeah so you yeah you either you can and then to be fair also you get the ones that say no because i hate all my exes and i don't want to be friends with them because of whatever the past so you can't that's more plausible but i still don't agree with it because also i'm still friends

with a lot of my exes in fact almost pretty much all um just because they are exes there is nothing left i hate them all yeah and i think everyone is blocked on every channel and if you're not it was a mistake and just know if i find out you should be blocked so if you're an ex of next year please message her now so she knows that she hasn't blocked you so she can block you that's probably why my partner's so chill because he i'm like oh i hate him feels like i've got no worries yeah yeah fat asshole yeah i'll tell you a story but like do you when so when you just said for example the ex is saying like you can't be friends of any of your exes but actually i'm going to still keep in touch with some of my exes

how do you think these double standard mindsets come into play and do you think there is any situation where it's it's okay okay great question again man you're good at this yeah um okay so this is my take again as something as serious as that with the with the x issue yeah um i firmly unequivocally believe that if they say it that way they have trust issues they they are the ones that has have the issues yeah but i also think it stems from a lot of other things like maybe they were cheated on by by their exes and their ex relationships yeah or even they have cheated so again they don't have that that trust there so if they keep spilling that out and being like no you can't be you can't i i cannot believe that you can have a platonic relationship with

with anyone any anyone of the opposite sex whether it's an ex or whether it's yeah colleague yeah an old high old friend that you've known for 25 years i mean them bastards yeah yeah exactly close are you yeah yeah uh yeah actually we we are yeah well if i kind of grew up together yeah you can take that coffee and shove it up your ass yes so i i and that's when i think it's it's a personal issue that they have problems now the chocolate ones yeah that is a double standard yes but it's a much on the much lower scale of things and you got you know you could easily solve that and get past that in a way if if shit did hit the fan yeah um so there's a spectrum there always is a spectrum but like i don't know i found that if i was ever with anyone that gave

me those kind of double standards i just be like listen man i you try to make it work right but after a while it just doesn't it it's it really is a problem and issue yeah that never it will never go away no and it actually gets worse because technically the longer you're together you're still you're still going to meet people and you're still going to be doing stuff and well even if it's not even if it's something like double standards like um you can't go clubbing until like oh i want you home by 1 a.m but then that person you know has the occasion where they go and get fucked off until 5 a.m right yeah so it doesn't even have to evolve like cheating on other people double standards can be any kind of you know exactly like or like you must always text

me good night right but then they'll be like oh i forgot yeah yeah because um i was out or i fell asleep or i was knackered right so it doesn't have to it double standard can be across all types of spheres but what i find is if one person is fervently always in that double standards mindset the other person will get resentful because you just build up guaranteed because it'll be like right so you come in you know you come in at that time all right fine and then stupid stuff like the chocolate that will add on yeah and it's taking it's taking the piss yeah it literally is you know like all jokes aside just like it becomes so trivial and like you said so the one partner has to always walk on eggshells yeah because it's like oh shit if i do this it's wrong

and if she finds out or he finds out i'm in trouble yeah so that and then that's when issues that happen okay maybe you start doing things and you don't tell there's and it just keeps it's just it's just a big snowball right it just it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and you're doing things and then that's when trust starts to become an issue and you're starting to hide things you're doing things because you're like oh well you know oh well you know it's just a little white line just come on because i'm not gonna because i know it upsets that person so i'm not gonna do it it's like that's just not healthy um but how do you confront that then so if someone's really noticing like okay this double standard shit right how do you have that discussion where it doesn't turn

into a huge row because i feel like the person who lives the double standard life hi yeah ladies and gentlemen hands up her hands she's proud of it it's good it's good she's proud of it we will defend it to the nth degree because it would be like well no you know the reason i have for not liking that person or the reason i have for this and and you you justify said double standards yeah so how do you as a couple get past that it's really hard it's really hard um man again i'm gonna be honest here like i think with double standards it's almost impossible to change someone's mindset on that like you said they that person will always find that reason to justify it there's always something and then the other person will be like obviously if they don't see it as a

double standard it's not wrong so it's always going to be a right versus wrong both ways yeah yeah it will never it will never ever meet in the middle and there's it's so frustrating arguing with someone with double standards as well right i've had it recently with a friendship and uh and to try but it makes no sense so i'm like right so you're telling me and i have to make that very clearly this is what you're saying you're not okay with but two weeks ago you did this to me and rather than give it address it head on it'll be like oh you just don't understand how i feel it and it's a swerve around it's like no but it's the same you did exactly the same thing yeah i'm like you're throwing logic at me i'm giving you some logic back and when i meet you

head on i'm like and then i ask for examples you know it'll be like oh you always do this i'm like give me an example yeah all right give me an example nothing nothing right i'm like right but okay so apparently i said this two weeks ago do you remember saying this it's the same same you You know, and it will be almost, but because I don't react, because I'm not emotionally reactive. It's not your, it's not your double-sided issue. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, whatever, you know, but now I have to be petty back because I'm like, this is the only way I can try and get you to understand is, okay, you said A and I said B, but it is the same, but you're kicking off A.

But so I'm like, I don't know what the problem is. And when you try and argue or at least justify someone who is so double standard, you feel like you're arguing with a fucking brick wall because logic doesn't exist. At best, yeah, yeah. And again, I admire you for trying to open up the conversation and actually discuss it with her. But if they can't even acknowledge it, if they can't even go,

all right, fine, and all she had to do, this is your friend, all she had to do was like, okay, fine, my bad, fine. yeah i take back that in this situation because i did exactly yeah now you've put it out so fine yeah and i would have been like cool but no it just escalated and escalated and escalated because i'm not backing down on this one yeah yeah yeah because if you do it it will forever be a problem it will happen again yeah in some other instance and uh are you guys still friends no there you go and you know what and again i know you're laughing i'm actually not i wasn't gonna i'm not even taking it lightly as a joke but that's the way it has to be yeah no that's like i got pushed into a

corner it's really difficult to be yeah a part of someone's life when you guys aren't aligned on and i'm i'm sure this wasn't even a big thing oh no it was ridiculously small it was like i even got i can't believe this is kicked off because of this are you fucking kidding me there you go but and i said guess this is a good point so it brought up it's not just double standards between relationships is double standards in friendships in the workplace or family oh family's the worst my mom always says do as i say not as i do yeah i'm like what the fuck yeah do as i say not as i do means i can do what the fuck i want right but don't you try and do it yeah yeah yeah and if you ever question why i'm doing it and you're not doing it i just come out with

that well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree obviously so disclosure I'm not that bad a girlfriend I'm just very honest with my own shit no she's just a horrible friend oh oh man no but I look you're right it I think also once once a person has double standards that will seep into any relationship they're in like is it whether it's yeah with a family member a colleague a friend or a partner because that's that's how they live that that's like their mantra and their their compass right is it is it because they can't see past themselves maybe to a certain extent i'd say yes is that because this is another idea i was thinking is perhaps sometimes with people with double standards perhaps only until they're in that situation themselves maybe do

they then go oh now i understand how it felt maybe they have to always go for it personally first oh you've been being the receiving end yeah yeah so like yeah like but your friend was a perfect example where it's happened two weeks apart you brought i mean she still or he still refused to acknowledge it and was like no so i i think it you you could be right i think they just it's a mindset and they got the blinders on yeah and maybe it's being naive maybe it's just being arrogant maybe it's playing dumb or is it quite could you be calculated on purpose like a manipulative mindset totally but but i i have more respect for at least a person who calls it as they call it and admits it and admits it and just says yeah okay this this is how i am

this is it because um well i feel like we've all got a lot of fucking growing up to do right so yeah of course i like oh i sit down with myself and i'll be like okay i kicked off about that and bless him he probably didn't deserve that and if he had the same sensibility as i did he would have kicked off at me three weeks ago sure but you know but he didn't yeah so um but that's also i guess part and parcel with the things like opposites attract because if there was like two hit him it'd be a nightmare and if there was two of me i'd be dead because we would have killed each other for sure or fat on chocolate but you know so like i think it is it doesn't you know if you have a double standards mindset like i obviously given a few examples of where i'm like

fucking hell you know i clearly do on certain things you you can acknowledge that and it can be changed it's not just like this is who i am this is my beliefs yeah fuck off if you don't like it and that's you know i've always said it right it's all about communication so at least if you can have a have a mature discussion and get it sorted and put it all out on the table and just like this is it you can grow together or you can grow yourself at least and yeah that that's huge but you're right i mean most people when it comes to that stage for these kind of things they're just like no i'm right and you're wrong and it's like fuck okay it's you're never going to solve it um it's even like a work case like so i get in a lot of arguments i feel because

i don't deal with injustice very well so like at work that's a good thing yeah yeah it is but um so like example when i was at my last job i would be sent on an event trip and i'd be told i had to write this I had to do this I had to do this I had to write this I had to do this so I come back with all of my um content actually great then my colleague goes on a trip three months later and makes someone else do the work you know like oh I'll get the intern to write it wow right that is double standards you know like because I was worked to the bone as if as if punishment for going on a nice trip right and they go and then they just come back and like pass the buck but was it also that you didn't have an intern no no okay no see but also i think that's that's

you love your job and when you for you as a writer if you if you're going to go and do go to a work event or a trip and you've experienced it you're going to write it because you're a professional and you love what you do whereas other person like he says like well fuck this i got a free trip yeah which is awesome yeah i'll get all the i'll write all the notes down and take the pictures and give it to someone else and they can write it because you know what i don't need to and there you go take the double standard take the piss i just said that earlier too that's just like i think they have less of a of a grounding to like be also maybe the best they could be in that sense like it's it's like i am already awesome this this is exactly how

every human being should be and if you can get away with doing certain things go for it like yeah but that same colleague i'm very sure if you did exactly that oh he would have gone to the boss and be like hey boss yeah nixalina she go and ask her intern to write that that article you know she never wrote it you know they'd be right there no accent by the way was it was it accurate of your colleague ex-colleague okay you just switched into it i love it yeah because that's like a very brown nose like his nose was so far up there you know he's had to he's wipe the shit off his nose because he's like he's almost talking like this it must I must must that that one uh she she she cheat you like she go and ask the internet you know

because the nose is so far up his ass like you know so do you think then is there any way to deal with double standards is it always going to end in some like explosive row or is that especially at home do you just sit down and go listen you know if you get in at 3 a.m it's only fair i should get in at 3 a.m if you go through my phone it's only fair that i should go for yours do you have to almost sit down and list out i guess these is that possible you probably have to i i i'd like to say that you that not every argument discussion after shit hits the fan will be so explosive i mean definitely don't have that conversation if they've come back at three or five a.m drunk and you in bed going uh-huh so you can

come back piss as a fucking bat this late and i can't because that will that will definitely kick off that you'll be in trouble so maybe maybe wait till the next day okay and and bring it up but i guess yeah i always say if you're gonna if you're gonna and this is people always feel if you're gonna bring stuff up like that you're gonna they're gonna be backed into a corner so they're always going to get defensive yeah yeah so i always say that when you need to breach a subject that's obviously annoying you or a problem to happen and you need to acknowledge it always get your facts in order so evidence it's like you're going to trial and you're you're a lawyer you need to have some sort of evidence and some sort of logical you know way to be like

listen but it's this has happened like it literally has happened so can we fix this can we resolve this are you gonna let go of your double standard because you know that would be the most ideal way you have a discussion they go okay fine you're right so either i stop i stop it as well because yeah you can't do it or you're allowed to do it now because i have or i i have i am doing it so you're allowed to best compromise ever right but that would be the best yeah they give up that double standard because or at least even acknowledge it oh yeah okay fine acknowledge first is the best because i feel like a lot of double standard people are like yeah no and then they're just like i said swerve the convo or whatever so acknowledgement getting me and going

fair enough actually you got a good point yeah i think it's step one yeah and then to come to an agreement some sort of agreement yeah like me and my partner did this thing a few weeks back where we talked about our non-negotiables okay it was a really good exercise his idea not mine And I was like, I'm not fucking doing it. And then he comes and he's like, I'm making us. And I was like, okay. So he gave me a list. And because of, you know, you're dressing stuff with each other

that you don't like or, you know, he's like, I don't like it when you do this and whatever. And I'm like, don't touch my fucking chocolate. Number one, non-negotiable. So it's going to get a bit heated. But what happens is, say you did this with your double standards. You'd go away. You'd cool down.

And then the next day, you're more likely to be like, oh, actually. Yeah, I was being a bit of a dick. He's got a point. Yeah, yeah, you know. I'll buy double the amount of chocolate next time. Yeah, or like, okay, so once in the blue moon, I might get pissed out my face, but I promise I will text, you know. There was a friend of mine who always had an argument with her fella

because he was always going out, and she was like, please text me, please text me. And then he would go out, and obviously not, because lads, lads, lads, lads. And I'm like, you know what? Once you get drunk, babe, and you get the flavour, well, you can't really blame it. I've gone on all sorts.

But this is another double standards, actually, while I was thinking of it. I had girlfriends come and stay in the UK. At the time, my partner still lived in the UK, so still long distance. We went out and got so drunk, I don't remember coming home. You got home. Yeah, they dragged me.

Yeah, that's a good start. You got home, yeah. And I didn't look at my phone or respond to him until 6 p.m. the next day. Not because I was out having the time of my life. I was throwing up. Sure, sure. And do you ever have one of those hangovers where I get really badly affected? So the hangover where, like, you can't look at a screen.

You're lying in, like, dark pain. You just feel like death. Yeah, of hell. Food's not staying down. Water's not staying down. So bless him. he hadn't said anything but he was when i eventually checked in he was like i was getting really worried yeah a bit there yeah and he was like i was like don't worry i'm not i wasn't

anywhere norway i mean like i literally just on my bathroom floor like the wrong end of a fucking baboon by this point if that had been the other way around you would have been i would have been calling texting like you know like i would have probably said had a good night baby or whatever and left him to go out because i'm cool with nights i mean i there's no way i can be that double standards but by like 10 the next morning i might be like baby you're right if i didn't hear from him till 6 p.m i probably would have had like back-to-back fucking anxiety attacks you know like oh my god you're with another woman yeah how dare you i know you're with another woman you know yeah and that look i think that's happened to the best of us yeah yeah look i mean i'll put my hand

up and that's it and you're right though you you i guess you can't again still this all comes back to trust and story is like okay if you said well look i just got really really wasted yeah but i got home the girls got me home i just been in bed all day or on the toilet basically and that's it so and you know if your partner can be like okay that's cool yeah that's totally fine um just you I hope you feel better and all that. I'll send some chocolate to you. And then that's it. That's it.

But if you have a partner that doesn't have that trust, that's like double, double game over, like a double, double standard because they're going to be pissed off already that you didn't get in touch with them. Then they're going to be even more pissed off because they would have thought that something, they don't trust you and something's happened.

And I think that's very hard to come back from, if that happened. but can you i mean it might not happen again in the relationship because maybe you learn but i don't know i think you should be a little bit more open than that like even with me and and my girlfriend my partner um when she goes out she goes out she she will rarely she goes radio silent really yeah that's her but it's all good like it's okay yeah but also then when i go out she wouldn't expect me to always be like replying back to her yeah they'll do a couple check into in there just to make sure and then that's it but i know that when she's out with

the girls when she's out that's i i don't i i shouldn't expect to hear anything from her until she's in the cab on the way home or or when she's walked through the door um and bless her because she doesn't give me that shit like if i'm am out exactly yeah when i come back she doesn't give me the shit of like why don't you why don't you message me why don't you call me because she knows like that's what i do you're out with your friends yeah have a great night as long as you come home at 10 30 at 10 30 as long as you come home at a respectable time you know i mean there is no going out anymore so that's all you got that's it lads lads lads until 10 25 p.m and then all the cabs are double the price they are wow i know yes yes that's a double standard

and i go between grab and gojek and grab and gojek and they're still both double the fucking price yeah yeah yeah oh i just got to see i'm you know happy to see some people are making a good living during this time anyway we better wrap this one up yeah so to conclude double standards ain't fun it ain't easy and it's gonna be a very uh of a difficult conversation i think i think so and look i've said it before and i'll always say there's always someone for someone so you just gonna you gotta pick your battles yeah and you gotta decide whether you want to be with someone that you you really click with or half of the time click with because of certain issues because you might you might decide you're cool with some of it exactly like i can let it slide yeah i mean

again the chocolate thing for you i mean yeah it's it's it is another standard but it's very low on the spectrum yeah where you guys are still really happy together and yeah it works so it's not you don't have to acknowledge a double standard in your relationship and then go right we're fucked see you later yes that's uh yeah that's not what we're saying but if it gets to the point where it's becoming resentful it's building up and this is remember friendships as well like we said or calling stuff it it does require conversation correct at least at the minimum yeah and it's not gender specific either like women can have double standards as can men as well it's just how we are formatted yeah how we're wired unfortunately but uh yeah good advice

there, Nixalina. Solid, solid advice. Thank you for coming. I just much prefer it when you're here to chat too because otherwise it's just me moaning about men and chocolate and that's not quite You always give me a half-decent grounding response as well.

Good. That's what I'm here for. I can't wait for our next episode. Bye everyone! Ciao! Ciao, ciao! Thanks for listening to the Sex and Singapore City podcast. This episode was produced and hosted by me, Nixalina Watson, and recorded at the Splice Car Studio in Singapore. We're available on Apple

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