Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - She Said, He Said - The rules of Social Media when you are in a Relationship

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Social media can be held accountable for a lot of relationship issues and downfalls. Damn you IG.  But what is okay, what is not okay and are there universal rules for social media, for all the couples out there? With my co-host Paul Foster, we try tackle this tricky terrain!

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships and sex. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I'm Nick Salina-Watson. Hey, it's Nick Salina and I'm back with another episode of She Said, He Said. That's better. Thank you, darling. That's better. With my co-host, Paul Foster.

Howdy doody everyone, good to be back So today we're going to be addressing the trials and tribulations of social media Namely, the rules of social media when you're in a relationship Okay, cool, cool So let's start with the basics Do you have to, these days, change your Facebook status to in a relationship or engaged or married or in an open relationship? No, no, no. I mean, Facebook, at least for me, and I know it doesn't apply to everyone, but I know everyone on my Facebook, like my private Facebook account. I know everyone that they are actually friends, people I know. So if you put a picture of you and your partner up, they know you're in a relationship. So a lot of people who meet Joey, like, oh yeah, finally, nice to meet you. We've seen you on all the Paul's socials already and Facebook and Instagram, yada, yada, yada. so why why do you have to then label it on on on Facebook it used to be like my main goal in life

really yeah it was to have that in a relationship status and then I haven't had it for three years and then it become a burden because then I was like I need to get rid of it yeah but I don't want to be dramatic yeah but I don't want it to still stay in a relationship you could say you know there's two ways right where it's like it's in a relationship and it's on the just on your they have to click on your what about to open it but there's another way it's like in a relationship and you put the person's name and that's like oh that's there yeah um so that's two different things as well it's not a must what if one of you requests in a relationship with and the other one and the other one doesn't accept and makes excuses like oh who goes on

facebook anyway yeah yeah that is surely that's a red flag well one of my ex-relationships was the It was the same thing where she's finally like, she was after like so many years, she's like, can we put that as our status? I'm like, why? Why does it matter? Everyone knows we're together. What does it matter?

She's like, no, let's do it. I'm like, trust me, you do this and we're going to break up at some point when you do this. And it happens. You think it tempts fate? No, just for me. Wow. I mean, no, it doesn't because again, everyone.

Everyone will move your relationship statuses immediately. People want to do it. I guess now it's more so like if anything, let's say the people who are in this Facebook era and... It's dying out though, right? I don't know. I think maybe when you get married, maybe that's kind of nice because you put everything up and they're like, oh, I just got married. I'd quite like an engaged one. Oh, engaged, right.

Okay. No, I have one. Oh my God, let me tell you. Oh, wow. I was proposed to when I was 21, right? Yeah. because he was two years ago wow okay oh yeah oh sorry yeah okay thank you yeah um i am obviously so beautiful um but he proposed because he'd been shagging some dirt bird for four months

whoa and he proposed on my 21st did not want to get married at all he was staying with me when i was at uni norwich and it was my actual birthday where he proposed and then my facebook was on my computer and he's like oh let's change our status yeah so he then requested and they went on my computer and accepted yeah oh so I got these like what the fuck you're engaged yeah question as I was getting happy birthdays it was a nightmare and then 13 days later I found out he'd been fucking someone else was he still cheating on you after he proposed to you a week later oh okay So that's how you found out? I had a 13-day engagement, Paul.

Wow. 13 days. It was beautiful. It was full of love. So has he been one of the guys that's messaged you to be like, hey, my bad? He was still hanging out with me years later and cheating on his girlfriend with me. Whoa. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I know this so much. So this is where it comes back to you. Yeah. But at the time I was just quite like, I felt empowered by knowing I was so hurt. I was like, I'm not the woman at home. Yeah. I've been through that a billion times.

Why would you do that? I was like, bear in mind, he proposed I was 21, right? So this is when I'm like 23, 24. Because you knew you were so hurt by him when he did that. Why would you want to then do that and hurt another person? It just made me feel like I was having won over, I guess. Wow. i didn't want him back yeah yeah and also but one over who one over that other girl i know him

why he was winning he was oh i was pretty good two girls yeah at the same time he would come and see me sporadically my producer is nodding his head yeah because you're like i i got one over i'm like on who an innocent bystander who became collateral damage because yeah she was with this dickhead yeah yeah you didn't get one over him no i know yeah but 23 year old me and i like part of me loved i was with him for a year and a half before this happened so part of me really loved him yeah and obviously when he proposed i said yes yeah so and i didn't want to get married but i like the whole it all happened i mean it was real his mom sent me fucking engagement cards and whatnot so yeah 13 days it's beautiful um very auspicious

I think I've been Paris Hilton like the shortest engagement time I think even Paris Hilton hasn't been engaged for that short time okay who knows I I for hell sure don't know Paris Hilton's engagement the point being he changed my status for me it made me feel quite uncomfortable at the time um i see no reason why you went back to him at 23 to do stuff everything you're saying is like get away i was still attached oh okay yeah because i'd been hurt right i hadn't willingly wanted to leave yeah yeah i didn't just didn't want him to cheat right yeah you know again i don't know it still doesn't make any sense to me anyways we're going off topic now let's go back social media relationships rules and engagement so not engagement like you were for 13 days but

the engagement of social media in the relationship for me if i was with a guy and we were together and then i did the relationship thing on facebook say it meant something to me i don't know and he didn't accept and made excuses that would give me alarm bells yeah it'd be very awkward but um i think again it all boils down to hey maybe you could like say it talk about it face to face rather than, like, going on your phone or your computer and doing it. Yeah, we live in the digital age, guys, but fucking hell, it's person A to person B. Maybe you can clear that up before you do that so it doesn't get awkward.

Because that has broken relationships. A hundred and ten percent. Yeah, which could have been easily avoidable, and everything was probably happy. It's just maybe one person doesn't like to do that, and the other person does. And if you knew that, maybe then no one would have done it, and it would all have been good.

so that leads me on to very very nice and to my next point is the fact that what it what does it mean when one partner never wants anything public on social about the relationship and the other one say like tags photos we're talking not just like early stage like two three years into the relationship and they they won't accept a tag or a photo they won't post anything of the couple is that suspicious um it depends it it depends um i love my producer's input shaking his head it again it's uh for example say with uh with me and joey everyone knows we're together um and i have a loose quota of putting a picture of us or at least her on my social media once a month she's you know an average is that your quite or hers hers right because that one

you posted of like you on the beach was so nice thank you for that's for before my birthday and for her taking care of me during my recovery yeah guys like you guys you're so wholesome yeah so i mean there might be another one maybe towards the end of the month because you know new year's so she's private she's very private so she doesn't post anything on her social media anyways um would you post more if she was not the way she actually kind of like it right actually because it does make it special it makes it really special where what i post really i put a lot of thought and meaning into it and i post something and it's really genuine and it and so she said you can only do like one a month yeah yeah that's what she's comfortable yes yes correct not to overdo it but

for the right reasons and the right thing and i would usually double check most girls would be like right you posted a fucking photo of me yeah so everyone knows we're together yeah but the thing is everyone does know we're together that's why we don't and we're very secure though we're not worried about that yeah that's really cool yeah and she doesn't she doesn't she seems very laid back she's super cool she's super cool and that's why we are very compatible because i'm also kind of super chill and i don't want drama i don't need conflict yeah um you know there's enough shit in the world that we have to deal with and you should never have to deal with all that shit when you're with someone that you that you love that you want to live with yeah yes agreed and

we've got fur babies you know it's very important oh the energy has to be good at home i'm in an open relationship with my fur babies on facebook yeah if i could create them a profile and then put in a relationship with my cats you would 110 i think facebook will i don't know if i could get two of their faces though they have to be two very different yeah yeah because they're different personalities for sure there you go that would be the best relationship as well exactly i'll keep that up forever so again what it still comes down to is um just just figure out what your partner is cool with so you don't think it's an issue that one says like oh you know what i'm not okay with this i mean does it mean that they're looking around or they're keeping themselves open not at

i mean actually there's a really scary story about there's this guy that was like like seeing multiple girls he used to live in singapore this is a story i heard from from joey said and he basically would live and i don't know how he did it because he obviously was having multiple relationships at the same time right but he would be taking the girls to like the same places he would still take them home to like wherever like sri lanka or and you go to the same holiday spots where eventually over time it would and i think he wasn't posting anything on his instagram but it was on his facebook right and they could like backtrack and see that it was exactly the same pictures just with different people at different times but at the same location the same spots that

they would go to like he had this whole because that was the life he was he had computed so that it was almost like that was his alibi it was the same thing every day so it became natural so it wasn't really lying anymore because it was it was that same life just with different girls and how does this found out um it would happen like two people speaking at brunch right and someone overhearing something and being like um excuse me is this person was this person's name blah blah blah and he's like yes and be like oh my god that's exactly what my friend's just gone through and then they find out and they established a group of like five girls that were being played out by this one guy oh my god and he got caught and he you know he got caught out like in london

like the one another girl that was in london saw him on the tube and was like filmed and went up him was like like a friend of a friend that he hurt and was like you're a bastard you're a dick and all this sort of stuff and when they had and they were swapping stories and they were finding out all all the stuff was all the same he had the same routine with everyone yeah it's crazy and the fact that he could do it he did it in singapore was even crazier but so that was a point of like what do you want to share what do you want to share people were obviously sharing he obviously was so confident and brave in what he was doing that he was still putting stuff up and he wasn't getting found out yeah and the girls i think were also still putting pictures of them

up on on their socials and there was no crossover so i mean i don't know all the full details i just had heard about this yeah this um he's got some balls hasn't he yeah yeah yeah super crazy yeah um but that comes down to again the same thing of like how you said oh maybe they don't want things to go up or not i mean this guy was obviously like yeah whatever like wow uh but i think as well if you said you don't want to have stuff up it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want to establish that you're in a relationship with someone because that doesn't define right the relationship and doesn't mean that you're going to look for something else although yes on the flip side i have heard of people who have done that they don't share a lot of their

relationship photos on their instagram so that they could use that as their portfolio i've been an instagram girlfriend and then three months later when i found them on facebook they were in a relationship right and i ended up but i was an actual in the relationship with him so i messaged the girlfriend yeah and to see whether how long so she basically been seeing him for a year and was like when did you meet him and i was about five months ago and shit yeah i was he had separate social medias for us there you go and that's that so for me i'm that i'm always on the receiving end in case you haven't realized of all the fucking shit of men so i'm always on the back foot that's karma for the for the girl you hurt by going back to that

guy he's never gonna let that go is it ever i was 23 i'd been karma does not give a shit about age there's no there's no period of time where he suddenly goes right you're off the hook it's karma karma is a girl karma is a bitch it's female thank you don't give it a gender male specific you heard it here she said she said okay paul look at me should you have access to each other's social media apps uh yes uh as in what like passwords to get in or like either both here here's the phone if you want to look go for it um yeah but again when you're in a stable secure trustworthy honest relationship you don't need to go and look into other people's shit that for me is an alarm bell if someone was actually like give me your password or i want

to look through your through your accounts i want to read your emails your messages you'd be like because and you're not even hiding anything it's just that's just stupid that's rude invasion of privacy that's right no matter what that that that's that's a core value of so you don't think it should be like an open phone open social media policy in relationships because i'm sure you must get girls message you on instagram uh yeah mostly actually really good especially after singapore social not like vinny vinny gets a lot of uh i just heard i heard vinny he's getting a lot of, um, suggestive messages and pictures, particularly from, um, Indian girls from Canada. Yes. So he's, he's, he's got a, he's got a market over there apparently. So,

and I'm like, well, I don't get anything like that, but because they obviously see that my relationship with Joey is good and we've moved in together. But if you didn't post photos of you and Joey. Exactly. And I see my social and I'm happy and it's all good. So you know what more or not a lot of people are actually quite respectful and it's really cool yeah so um and you know if they how do you get i get unsolicited dick pics yeah that's different though i think i think that's different i think i think the guy to the girl is very different than than the girl to the guy i get i don't even it's like let me tell you they're always unsolicited guys if you send a dick pic it's never welcomed they're not attractive and i just open up my dms

and there is this turgid ugly cock and it's from a complete stranger is that too much is that too much let's stop doing it so he's giving you everything and you're turned off you see hypocrite guys do it all the time like all the girls playing aloof and then when they give it all they run away guys just be like look this is me this is what i have do you like it all right let's do it i don't ever like it i never like it especially not when it's like a nine in the morning over coffee and there's this massive dick in my why is that in my instagram was it awful i thought you're gonna say it was in your something else but okay as long as it's in your instagram it's fine do you um do you personally think social media has a negative impact on relationships

yes and no again no it'd be diplomatic because i've had it both ways it's majority of time it's positive but i mean there's some of the time it is negative because you know i think it encourages stalking and you learn because you know you put a picture and then you didn't check with your partner and they're like fuck you i'm fat on that one you're like oh fuck really no you're not and you're in trouble so you learn you learn you're like oh okay is this picture okay yes okay and you know you you get you get savvy with things like that as as you as you as you do over time but do you not think for me i think social media actively encourages one of you to be almost stalking the other social media footprint or or both of you it like you know you put up a

say you put up your topless photo which he does you can't stop the guy just put your top on mate but you won't and then say you know as your girlfriend which might like who are these comments and what like who is it do you not think it breeds insecurity that doesn't need to be there um yes it does if that person is insecure in the first place but you can't stop other people writing stuff how do you reply to those comments is right the defining factor okay if you're kind of like oh heart eyes heart eyes heart eyes yeah thanks for the comment sweetie pie kiss face kiss face kiss face your partner has some issues of going uh excuse me what's this because that's a little bit wrong but if you just don't reply and someone's you know kind of put a sexual comment

there yeah i'm like well look i didn't instigate that's freedom of speech and choice of that person to write that i'm not doing anything to bring that on although yes i'm very sexy topless but i mean everyone subjective i mean i mean yeah but i mean then i turn foster with three r's go decide for yourself you know if you're with someone the producers guys phone out just to see our sexy boys dm me bro eggplant emoji eggplant emoji eggplant emoji water water splash emoji i like those ones let me tell you it'll be very underwhelming yeah it's been cold in singapore recently shit uh so okay uh look if you're with someone and yeah like if you're topless with your partner

and they think you're sexy and they love it and that's what it should be yeah and you put a picture of you topless and other people think the same thing what's the difference but do you think it looks like you're trying to because i used to get told off for putting lingerie photos up like you're in a relationship now why are you still putting up those photos what's your work what's your career well i'm a sex blogger there you go and i used to say that what there you go but that's my point but you when you met me i was a sex blogger three years on exactly i had all those lingerie photos when we met and you like like like exactly right but that's my point but then it's only when you're in a relationship it's not your fault no it this still stems from the other

person it's their thought their insecurities their trust issues their their low self-esteem and i mean there's so many things that are in that basket and yeah maybe they're super guilty about something they've done or they're doing and then they don't you know they i always find it that way people who usually cheat a lot like like like constant cheaters and relationships and break relationships up and do that sort of stuff it all stems from this whole insecurity thing and something's happened to them before and like you want to get the one up for whatever reason it is I was 23 and hurt and engaged and fucked over. You learned that then, so you don't do it now.

Oh, God. You know what I mean? I learned everything the hard way. Exactly. I would never, and then since then, I know. Right. You don't want to be that person. No.

Exactly. It's fucking awful. You have to have empathy. Because, like, karma is a thing. It will come get you. And, you know, being cheated on is the most horrendous feeling in the entire world. Yeah. Like, I just, it's awful.

Okay. before we go down memory lane with me let's bring it back to social media so um do you find and this is a real key issue i think especially millennials do you find as a man it's off-putting if your partner is like semi-stalking your social media if you say she leaves comments on every photo i mean i know jerry really doesn't at all right yeah uh it depends depends what the photo is if it's every if it's like you put a post up on facebook comment twitter or instagram comment comment comment like like is that like chill is it like a dog pissing up a tree like marking your territory is that how it feels that's a good one um i don't think so no no no not bothered either

way i mean it's nice to get support and be like you know at least at least like my picture you have to comment but like it come on i gotta get over a thousand likes get over a hundred it's gonna be three digits at least two digits you just get a phone and like your own phone play the game come on so it doesn't put you up what if do you what if say someone's in a relationship scenario you leave a heart comment and that gets deleted okay ah so yeah that okay that's a better scenario so on my own ones doesn't matter but um that's a good one so and it happens sure

and then they go I just don't like public affection right oh you mean but to your partner you mean yeah

that's bad but it happens yeah that's harsh say you put a heart on Joey's photo and then it gets deleted but I just don't like

public that's dodge right that's dodge yeah and what if you did it I thought like if you did it to someone else's and then Dave deleted it

like but again it could be a just you know because it's not it could be love in the nice way like i love that photo well i put hearts on your photo yeah happy birthday legend correct i think you're a cocksucker yeah it was more like what's his birthday yeah he's gonna be nice one day of the year right exactly well it was after my surgery and my birthday so i was like okay so i thought i would extend a few hearts you're not a dick every day

not every day exactly but that's but that means nothing exactly joey could have been like yes so this chick you're doing a podcast with that's right but she wouldn't but there are partners that i've had been exactly and then they give shit to their their own partner and be like who's this guy i used to be one of them i'm not gonna lie really yeah i was when i was a really insecure relationship oh wow okay and then you know they delete it and then they pm you and be like i'm so sorry but my boyfriend was really angry at that and then and now we can't now we can't talk anymore we can't be friends i was like wow wow whoa whoa whoa you're just not gonna let it go let me just scroll but really that just happened okay but that's what i mean never gonna let it go i was

like it's come on this podcast oh that wasn't your one that was just that was several several again it's happened to me many times people phase you out quite a lot paul yeah get the yeah i'm a big threat um get the hint and fuck off not to self no more eggplant emojis just stop dude and do what about um what about girls or guys that remove their social media completely to like oh do you think that's a hiding something uh in what sort of like you know get in a relationship and think like oh i'm coming off facebook i'm not interested in facebook anymore uh i don't know if i've known anyone who's done that i've known a couple not

not on the receiving end for me but i've heard of people like yeah just not interested anymore and i'm like i don't know no that doesn't smell right yeah yeah i don't think that's right if you had it before i mean i have a lot of friends who aren't absolutely active on their social but they're still there um you know and they still use it to a certain extent yeah but to cold block like just to be like yeah suspend the account or i just want to time away or leave it there or the worst is actually leaving it there but not being active on it then people are still writing on your wall people are still trying to message you and i'm like fuck if you're gonna do that just delete the fucking account or suspend it then at least so it's not it's not there um

i do have one friend actually um who's also an ex but a friend she has actually gone off her social right and she had developed it quite nicely i mean she's a very sociable person and her instagram she was using it quite actively especially and she just one day decided she's off it um and she's more in touch with like it's email or whatsapp and and stuff like that and i asked her why she said oh it's just it's just taking up a lot of my time yeah yeah um so i honestly wish i could yeah i don't i do but i don't but because some days i'm just want to chuck it in the river yeah you know i i love it i enjoy it i enjoy keeping in touch with people and and and seeing what's happening it's pretty cool i like that so i would think

it's dodged though someone all of a sudden just kind of decided to go cold turkey and and i mean there has to be some major excuse or just never accepts your requests in the first place like say private instagram that right and you've seen each other that's super dodged because you know that they're doing stuff yeah that they're still on it and yeah they haven't accepted for you to yeah that's definitely weird yeah like oh i have an instagram i don't use it often and it's private and then you request and like months weeks months and you're like yeah then you have to get someone else who then you've got a great fake account it's all a lot of hot work yes share share share how much work it really is quite tiresome because then you need a different email to get the new

account then you have to remember the password and you can only have five accounts on your phone at one time and that's for another episode yes my final question then in the complete opposite of the social media hiding is when is it too much information on relationship bullshit that gets posted to social uh that is there a complete overshare level i think that that igtv sex clip that you put up oh yeah no that's that's definitely no no i think that's yeah that's not good well you're the first person to have said that oh really everyone said it was wonderful no wonder you're gonna go those dms from all those exes yeah yeah and then the dick pics yeah exactly and you want you mystery solved i just i thought i should share with my followers

you know real life yeah you're your sixth lover in life what's happening with you in you're painting me as such a bad human um yeah look i i think that is my man yeah i think there is a gross constant over oversharing it's like almost an overcompensation like i'm in a relationship and you're all gonna know about it yes yes and true friends will let friends know when it's too much same with babies stop the fucking baby photos yeah yeah they're all the same and there's 11 photos yeah yeah one it just spit up at the end yeah i mean that's the same that's the best one just put that one that's perfect because that's what babies do yeah fine otherwise i don't know i don't need a daily recap you're right i mean look but also the same token right

isn't too much of anything also kind of just yeah a lack of something that you're making up for in general yeah so again maybe everything with a pinch of salt um it's nice if joey was like no i want like every other photo of you and i want every other photo of me yeah what the fuck i mean it has to be in context right how do you even have that combo because she'll imagine she's that type of woman she'd be saying that's the 1am I'm out the door I can't do commitment but bye

that's too much there was not any social media back then yeah I was not an Instagrammer I was just a woman no I think I did have

a handle by then actually to be fair okay but I'm sure I'm just digging myself a hole I'm sure there are some women out there

that would have that and how would you how would you even have that convo like it's too much again I think I

I think it's not too much to have the conversation. The conversation needs to be done to know what's too much or too little. I think that's the correct way to look at it. There has to be a level of privacy, right? Oh, absolutely. With relationships and social media. My rule is, and I used to be the worst, and now I have to pull myself back. Every thought process you have doesn't have to be shared on social media.

Yes, agreed. albeit this is the love of my life or i fucking hate his guts or oh my god i've got thoughts about my life in the future like not everything has to go on social yeah yeah totally agree like we should not be allowed to empty our minds onto our fucking phones for everyone to read it depends but yes but yes in general i'd rather not read too much shit about whether it's good or bad in general I'm just like, there's some things you can just keep to yourself. It's all good. Yes, yes, yes.

And that's a perfect way to end this episode. There's some things you should just keep to yourself. That's it. That's it. Lips are sealed. Thanks for listening. Thank you, Paul. Thanks for coming in again.

Thanks, Xelina. Ciao, ciao. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Sex and Singapore City podcast. This episode was produced and hosted by me, nick selena watson and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore we're available on apple podcasts spotify google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe for a new episode every single week please do give us a five-star review it helps other people find our podcast

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