Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - She Said, He Said - Why Do Men Only Appear Interested, Once the Girl Loses Interest?

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

It's totally a thing. A guy seems to only care once the girl stops caring. Why is that? Is it all about the chase for men? Once they 'win' the prize, is it suddenly a switch off? 

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships and sex. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I'm Nixalina Watson. Hey, it's Nixalina and I'm back with another awesome episode of She Said, He Said with my co-host Paul Foster. I think I should come in next time and do the he said part. okay next time next time i knew you wanted to get in on my intro yeah yeah you were just like she's not doing it because you went too high you said she said he said and i was like why why would you go higher why so yeah i've not learned my accents for male and female i'm terrible

you want it more like she said hey he said yeah for example or i would just say it in my voice so it'd be like oh yeah cool because that's the show yeah yeah i'll give you that one all right whatever for this episode because he's getting mouthier by the day yeah i i'm gonna tackle a really really difficult scenario and it's a lot of people experience this right and you got to remember paul that you're not the normal average man oh i know you're very you have a very high emotional intelligence right and you're old as fuck yeah exactly so but imagine the mid-20s men yeah and the early 30s men right that don't have your ei example okay so here's what we're tackling why do men only appear interested and appear to

care once the girl loses interest is that a thing 110 it's the puppy in the stick scenario okay so it's the game do you know how many girls come up to me like oh you're three months in and then basically when i eventually gave him my full attention disappears wow or when i eventually gave him like said yeah i want this no i'm not interested constantly because she took three months he got fed up and fucked off no you gotta give that from the beginning well wow what game are you playing you can't give it all at the beginning to get the three months to keep him hanging there and then all of a sudden boom everything of course it's gonna be like what the hell's going on no it's more of a guys when they think the girl is finally emotionally

invested in them they lose interest okay um that's interesting like yeah it's also very real yeah i guess maybe i could have been guilty of that a little bit when i was in my single partying days a little bit more by virtue of um career and and environment but um i think you can be very clear with some people as well like so you don't think guys are all about the chase i think both male and female is all about the diplomatic that's my nothing that's it's primal it that is human behavior 101 for guys yeah because it was caveman times right we would chase after the girl but they would just club them over the head and drag them back to the cave wait what caveman style you know just club them over the head okay drag them back to the

cave right and do what you're gonna do that's rape surely uh but not back in prehistoric times in neanderthals you didn't have rape so yeah sure back then right because that was how you start business any guy listening thinking of resurrected there was no words sure there was no communication uh no i think i think that took a lot of develop as well i think the monkeys actually had that before the um oh wait no no cavemen became monkeys and humans or was it monkeys and cavemen and humans yeah yeah okay i think cavemen lost that ability and then we got some people i think it probably was cavemen and then back to monkeys yeah i mean i actually think that's what i think that's what i think i think i actually had to go back to then come back forward

and i think probably still a bit cavemen there's no full regression there yep yep yep but uh it's it's still instinct in that sense the chase it's it's so you've never chased a girl and then just when you know she's full-on into you gone oh actually i'm not that bothered um this happened why are you not a normal man wait i haven't i haven't answered yet i'm now trying to actually think about all my all of them give him time yeah give me a second one two two i've also only got two so i i think also like i said i think you just have to be very clear i mean maybe when i was younger and you're trying to hook up with a girl i guess but you don't want to be in a relationship but wouldn't I mean it just always used to be very straightforward to be honest for me most

most if not all the times I'd just be like so this is just for tonight your choice you'd actually say that yeah fucking hell that's brutal I'd rather pretend it might go somewhere yeah well I don't see I don't like to string I don't like to string girls on in that sense I don't want to give them false hope of this could be leading on to something more but it also was again very circumstantial and it depends it just depends. A lot of men

I think don't realise that it's any sort of game as in when she's not interested she's aloof, she's attractive Oh yeah guys are dumb and then when they get her then they're like oh shit So this is probably where we very very much differ

so this is going to be probably your favourite episode because this is definitely the she said, he said part now where guys are stupid. It's not so much that they do it on purpose. Most of the time, they want to know, they want to be validated that what they're doing is working. So if a girl is interested, they're like, yes, it's working. It's good.

That means something's happening. right and if the girl is not then you're just kind of like oh maybe am i doing the right things and you're and then some of them will still try for a while but i think after like second third date i mean i tell the guys to just cut and run if if if the girl's still playing a game like that and and not being interested because he'd be like now is she playing the game is she not interested so why are you wasting your time for and some girls and again flip side some girls do it on purpose because they just want to go for free dinners and get the attention and all that and then i wish people could see my scour at you right now all of a sudden the girl's like oh actually

and then they lose interest and they they leave or they go oh actually maybe i do like this guy and then it changes and the guy's at that point like well the hell i wanted that from the beginning but some girls darling some girls don't give full-on from the get-go i don't get full-on But I mean, like, as in give, like, okay, I really like this guy. Every guy that I've really liked, I've gone, I really like this guy. If I just be very honest on that front from the beginning, they're like, whoa, this is like too much. Or let's take it slow or all that. So I've held back a lot often at the beginning because I didn't want them to know I really liked them because it never ended well.

And every time I held anything back, the guy would chase, chase, chase, chase, chase. do you want to be with someone that's like that anyways at the end of the day would you have wanted to really be in a proper relationship with someone who has that i think guys do it subconsciously yeah okay well then they can bugger off and then you go and you try and meet someone that fills that criteria better i think you it's a 20s thing i think it's a young guy thing Oh no, it's not, it's not. It's a, it's, it disbands all ages. It's just a, I was trying to give you guys some help there with age. It's everyone, everyone matures at different stages, but I've seen guys do that across the board at many different ages. But I think when you genuinely

like someone and want to be with someone, that's when you can kind of, you adapt and you change because you're like oh shit there's some feelings here that i really like and if the guy or the girl can't do that straight off the bat with with someone then maybe they're not supposed to be together in the first place if i look at it that way and are you just having fun with each other you just want to be like a couple of dates and you know or do you want more and man if i ever told someone like i actually really like you and i think this is really good and they're just like whoa, I'd be like, I'd be hurt, but I'd be like, well, okay then. Bye-bye. Cause I will, I don't want to be with someone like you. If you can't accept what I'm telling you now, and

I want more, then I'm not going to waste my time. I move on. And you know, I move on very quickly. He really does. I don't harp in the past and waste my time on it. Once I've, once I know someone has hurt me or let me go, or doesn't want me for me and want something. Okay, fine. But that's not the norm, my darling. The norm is people get hurt and they're sad and they dwell and they go, why wasn't I good enough? And I have been through all that in my life, obviously.

But I think everyone, and I think that's the thing. You do this. You go through these relationships and people and phases to learn to get to this point of no more bullshit. it let you know let's just i like you you like me great let's let's be official let's let's commit to each other do you not think there is an element though of humans do want what they don't have slash can't have that yes it becomes much more appealing if it's not quite yours and i think girls that and guys but i have to do it from a girl's point of view that girls that like give

everything from the get-go like this is me this is my life welcome into my life or it's not quite as fun or exciting or feels like a prize as much as it is if the guys had to earn it and this is one of the things I like found and slash discovered in my 10 years of London dating and talking to men and boys and whatever um most of them boys I mean men's really strong word to use right but it was that if you hold a little bit of you back then you keep that appeal and it's not such a game it feels like a game it's not quite a game it's more like just a little bit of self-preservation yeah that you don't offer yourself on a plate from the get-go because it is appealing to try and get something you don't have and there's always an enigmatic allure

from someone who holds a little back totally and i think guys do lose interest if someone puts it all out there from the get-go and i don't mean sexually i just mean like i'm gonna like you let's go yeah yeah yeah yeah right i mean i've had guys say to me before that like yeah it's almost a turn off like i i liked her but she's just just so available all the time there and then and you know and i don't i haven't earned her so how so how many guys is she like this with i.e like why should i think i'm special because i haven't earned it from her that make any sense yeah it does totally i mean me and joey are the total opposite we were very upfront and straightforward with from the beginning but that's also why we connected so

well and that's why we work i think again everyone's different and you just need to find that one person where the game inverted commas works so you don't think it's normal it goes always right it goes always some guys like you said like that chase and don't want the girl to to isn't that every guy at the beginning no i get it it totally depends i think it does totally just need a new co-host i need one of those really awful prickish men on here oh just call your ex or all the other countless guys in london i mean we'll cut that okay we'll cut that you don't need me if you want to get a guy like that i mean sheesh you obviously have a long list already from what you've been uh sharing it's not that long right it's below five yeah oh yeah okay

we're getting there we're getting there guys she's she's expanding this number every every every day these are not my personal am i flushing these are not my personal experiences yeah it's like i'm asking for a friend yeah yeah yeah always man your friend asks a lot hey right she's been for a lot poor girl uh but i again it you're right though it's so different you kind of need to you need to play the game to get to a point where maybe you don't want to play the game anymore or the game's just over and that's what i mean by when you meet someone you're just like oh cool this really works did you think there is a game you have to but you have to get to that point right yeah there's i always believe every relationship you're in no matter how long it

lasted no matter how casual or how official it is it you take you're learning you're learning and you're adjusting and you're going and you're figuring out oh this is what i want this is what i don't want this is what i like this is what i don't like and it gets to the point where you meet someone and you kind of roughly know already if that that person ticks most of the boxes in your list man if you ever find that person that ticks all your boxes shit you're you're one lucky person but i've always come to the point where i've looked at it and it's like as long as they tick most right 80 yeah whatever it is everyone has their own magic number as well um i'm like If you tick 20% of my boxes, that's great.

If you're taller than me and a nice human, we're on to a good start. Wow, shit. You've got hair on your head, it's nice. Guys, DM me if you need any advice and I can potentially hook you up with Nick Salina at paulfoster3rs, that's my Instagram handle. Just give me a shout.

I'll give you some intel. They've probably listened to the previous episodes she is a fucking handful yeah yeah no thank you mate they rested in you saying how are you even friends with her dude yeah yeah yeah why are you doing does she have something on you is she making you do this she must be paying you a lot yeah i wish shit no i'm not i've just i've just forced you to give me all of your emotional intel which apparently isn't good enough for you because you want more of a prick to do this i'm telling you right now guys play a chase game and you're saying they don't and i'm saying they

fucking don't uh three months is a boundary always three months they hook you in three months and you're like oh maybe you want to meet my mom or something and then they're like whoa and before that you're the best thing in the entire world yeah so look it goes both ways i know many guy friends who've been played out by girls and i've not many girls have been played by guys but like that's a perfect scenario i mean you know until very recently i was still taking care of my my family home so for so many years i've had a girl over wake up the next morning and they'd have to walk through my my living room to get out and they'd basically meet my whole family and i'd be like here you are here's my sister here's my niece here's my mom would you like to stay for breakfast

no okay see ya you know and i walk her down and put her in a cab and buy or stay for breakfast okay great no worries and what do you have to do to it depending on what they have to do for the day i don't care i love i told you this before i love pushing people into situations to make to see how they react got to eat with your hands do it let me see oh great pass you will never ever ever and i i just love it and so for me again maybe i've just always i've just always been different in that sense um and I'll I just I don't know I just like real people and and when you do that in real situations you really see the person so do you think then that when if people are going through this and that they feel like someone's pulled away from them that they

thought was really interested do you think it's best to just let it go yes absolutely right and and this is this is probably the best advice I'll probably ever say it's not you it's them if they run away because you were being honest and you've told them that, yes, I like you, that I could see this going somewhere or should we take this to the next level or something? And if they don't, fuck off then, bye-bye. Can I just say?

And it's not you, it's them. I had a guy that I was so into, so into for three, four months. We went to bed at my apartment in London And then I was like, I really like you. He was around my house like four or five times a week, every week, right? Wow, that's a lot. Yeah, talking to it, seeing, like, calling me when I was with my family.

He went, I can't do commitment, got out of bed at one in the morning and left. Wow, well, there you go. And I was like... And? No, that was it. Okay, but I mean, obviously you were hurt because you're like, what the hell's going on? Well, fucking hell. because I dared I was so scared as well it's that fear of like I really like him and I can't

aside from my last relationship I can't meet a guy and be like you're the one it usually takes a while so it's a build-up so come three months I'm like oh my god I actually like this guy but see that's what I mean if that guy couldn't return that I like I like you back after three months and spending that much time together or four months he's it's him he has the issue He's not ready to have committed And that's why he got up and left I mean, actually, bless him At least he got up and left

You know, I mean, shit At least he was like, yeah, yeah I like you too And, you know, get that one last night in And then at 6 a.m. creeping out when you're asleep You know, kind of thing And slams the door as he's running down the road And you get up and you're like, oh, wait, where's he gone?

Darling You see, yeah He's making coffee. Do you know what I mean? Like, he could have got one last session in and he didn't. So, you know what? I kind of respect that. No, he did before.

No, he definitely got one last session in just before the comeback. Right. Oh, well, there you go. See? I didn't even know it was going to happen. That is one example, Paul, of many. Right. And many women in that situation, like myself, will do whatever they can to get that guy back.

Right. which means going overboard and trying to be like no more chase now okay okay i'll give you everything i'm yours i love whatever whatever whatever whatever yeah but you must realize that's never gonna work because they've already gone from that first point because they're not ready they didn't want anything so the more you do that that's that's why the more they're like oh shit you're psycho and which has never been said to me by the way no weirdly everyone says you're a very lovely normal person i know yeah i know that's it open another bottle of champagne thanks okay then i have to ask this really big question and don't say this doesn't happen because this is

every single one of my exes every single one they've called me all the names under the sun it's ended well it's ended badly whatever happens six months or a year down the line they fucking come back they all come back they slide into my dms on my facebook all of every single one everything and then they're like hey baby and i have to have these really awkward conversations i even had one who when i was 16 he's been messaging me for the past 10 years he's married and it'll be every other year hey baby i'm so sorry how we ended there'll be a guy i dated like at 16 yeah he's saying 16 to 18 he's still so guilty about how it ended then i mean he was great a**hole you want to know what an a**hole is it was this man oh my goodness but

i've even seen him in that time and i said like it's okay yeah i forgive you yeah slide in i've had guys disrespect me so badly that like send my nudes around to their friends that's another story and then they've slide into my DMs they're in it and they're single in a relationship doesn't matter

and it'll be very much like oh I'm really sorry for how it ended or just thinking about you and why do you guys do that because for me

and I said it very clearly since day one to every one of them not that there's many there's five five or six definitely under ten we're getting there

yeah definitely under ten I said like I will have so many like huge feelings for you until you make me snap and then I get to that breaking point and the hounds of hell will not take me back I can't

look at you in the same way and it's just how I operate I give give give give give and then I snap like an elastic band yeah right yeah so I have already snapped yeah whether it's six months ago a year ago years ago and why do the guys still reach out well is it a tension yeah well maybe maybe that they've whether it's a guilty conscience and they want redemption and they want to just be forgiven or they've realized they have made a mistake because well i am awesome that's it yeah they've obviously tried to replace me yet find other relationships and realize oh my god yep nick selena crazy bitch was actually really awesome that's it yeah and there you go so and maybe perhaps that um or you know they see the work you do and the pictures you post up on

your social and which are awesome by the way yeah yeah yeah um you can you can check her instagram out as well she actually has two accounts maybe so that's for another episode yeah i'll bring that up again later i'm still waiting for the confirmation on that one but um so it's maybe jealous or like oh she's done really well now yeah you know because it's never just nice friendly i want to see how you are i think it's more that i think like i said they've seen you now take your career to the next level they're saying shit she's actually moved out of the city of the country she's gone halfway around the world and she's she's doing things and they're going fuck i'm still holding my cock in my hand in my living room in my pajamas with a cup of tea

You know, looking out the window thinking, oh, my God, when's the sun going to come out next? And they've got nothing. And they're just maybe thinking, hey, you know, maybe you should send me another nude. I don't know. Which I'd never do, FYI. Yeah.

You know. You can do the one with the exploding bomb on your Instagram so they can see it and then it disappears. So, you know, you could be a real dick about it and be like, hey there, and then send them something. And then they'd be like, woo-hoo. And then three seconds later it's gone. And they'd be like, oh, my God.

And you could just completely play them out. I think this whole scenario, and I think it completely relates back to the topic of when she loses interest, that's when they give a shit. But it can't be. I think men don't like losing anything. This guy dumped you at 16 and 10 years. 18. 16 to 18, yes.

And how old are you now? What, 10 years later? He's like, oh, hi, I'm married, but oh, how are you doing? like you lost interest at 18 or let's say 18 and a half because it took you six months to get over him then why message me what it's all of them it's not about losing interest that was long gone it's just about whoa shit she looks good i think she's doing well i want some of that i think men don't like when they've had a girl's attention and then the attention's gone and it's elsewhere I think guys really feed off attention.

But you weren't in touch with these guys after you broke up with them. No, no. That's my point. So how can they all of a sudden be like from no attention to now no more attention to really no attention so I need to message her. There was no attention anyways.

It's constant. I'm telling you, I've got like a backlog of so many guys that do this. And even like I say to my friends, if I break up with someone, like he'll message me in six months. Wow. 110%.

we need people to to tell us if they have this yeah because I don't really no I don't have I don't have um like exes I'm friends with most of my exes there's a couple there's a few or a couple that have chosen not to be friends with me but I'm friends and in touch with like all my exes and but we don't they don't out of the blue like you know randomly be like hey baby I just you know I really miss you and I think we broke up the wrong way and what are you up to and all that. I get that all the time. Yeah, wow.

That's crazy. Not in that weird voice, not in that sultry that made my goosebumps go up. No, not in a good way. And then please stop talking. The hair in the back of your neck. Ooh, ooh, that was gross. Okay. Well, I'm telling you it happens.

But again, different time now. Maybe when I was younger, so maybe when I was your age, there was a couple of i guess messages like that but i i think you just uh man it's can't you just tell them to fuck off oh i do okay but i just trying to work out men's psychic because i think and it's guys it will be guys as well it'd be like one of the guys that gets out in the middle of the night and says i can't do commitment it'll be that guy that slides into my messages may i ask like have you then like checked on what they're doing and are they successful have they progressed in life are they still are they stuck in a rut that kind of thing

because i'm trying to think that that's the people that maybe the most recent one is in a relationship and like re-added me on facebook and wrote to me on facebook and his partner is absolutely stunning right and he's moved away from the uk and and he's reconnected with you just to be friends or is it kind of what's the like just message yeah messaging random crap on facebook and then like oh i'm sorry what happened i was a real dick move and i'm like it's well maybe that's something to just to get cleanse the soul just like look i'm sorry you know everyone wants to go to heaven you you got your hounds in hell holding you back but you know the guys want to fucking love them yeah escalate up to the to the heaven so maybe they just want to you know as you get older too your conscience

grows you don't like living with guilt or negativity and maybe maybe they just want to clear out they don't know what guilt is not then and now maybe they do realize and now they just want to be like hey look my bad i'm sorry yeah i was a dick i feel like we need to agree to disagree on this topic entirely because i 110 think men want the attention on themselves they lose interest when the girl pulls away or pulls in sorry then she pulls away and then they finally fancy her again and it's the chase it's a game and uh yeah you're giving me a very different scenario of the of the mankind but it goes both ways and i think it all depends on what stage in your life and what you're doing what game are you playing which which mode are you on which player have you chosen to

to take on your quest what's your quest one night stand something a little more casual something a bit more long term are you ready for this you know purposely jumping off the edge so it's game over that's all i'm doing till it stops that's it is there a drink down there is there a drink down there yep there's no drinks down there don't stop jumping i'm not insightful no i mean i hope this episode has helped everyone but i'd be really interested actually if people could let us know me too i i think this is probably the first episode where now it'd be really cool to have people let us chime in on this particular topic like 100% have you what's their take on it have they experienced it had they been the dick or had they been the on

the receiving end of a dick yeah most girls have five yeah yeah um I just want to know who's on the foster camp who's on the Nick Salina camp interesting because you you seem to think that the game in that manner doesn't really exist and everyone's up front i don't think it doesn't exist i just said it's it's it's played differently by different people at different times it's just the game the game the game changes that that's what happens so i think you're in your phase where you got played out a lot in your younger days and you progress nice recovery you progress to your older days like when you get to my age no not far off from that far off exactly and um you know you'll you'll find the one oh what a beautiful sentiment to finish this episode

Exactly. He's out there. Don't stop looking. Guys, message me if you need help. Peace out. week please do give us a five-star review it helps other people find our podcast we're also on social media with facebook and the gram don't be shy send me a message and come say hello for more information and to read more articles please do come over and say hey at sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and a-n-d singaporecity.com We'll see you next time.