Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

Is it ever a good idea? How do you know if it is just loneliness driving you back, or if they're 'the one' and you made a big mistake?  Can trust be re-built?  Is there an option of a reconciliation and happy ever after? Let's discuss shall we?  For more content, head over to: http://sexandsingaporecity.com/ Or come say Haiiiiii Nixxxx on Instagram: @nixalina

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships and sex. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I'm Nixalina Watson. Hello, it's Nixalina back with another episode. And this time I am discussing How do you know if you should get back together with your ex? Hmm. Let's have a moment to ponder.

The reason I believe that this needs to be discussed is because lots of people message me asking me, you know, Nix, I just want your opinion. I was dating this guy, but then he said no, he wasn't interested. And then six months later, he's come back and I don't know what to do. and I still like him, but I don't even, blah, blah, you know, like that drill. So I get a lot of those. I also personally, as we all know if we'd stayed in keeping with the old podcast and blog, I got back with my ex and then it didn't work out.

So I kind of remember all those feelings like we had about five months apart and then we got back together and then now separated for good. so I was just wondering to myself and thinking about all these messages I get how do you really know how do you know if you should get back together or it's just a bad fucking idea leave it well alone so I'm just going to ramble off some ideas you know this isn't like a definitive guide because it's such a subjective idea and everything is case by case and like myself I believed with my whole heart that I was doing the right thing that I was getting back with him because I love him and he loves me and we'd worked through our shit and we're

going to be amazing and we didn't last you know so even when I think I have all the answers I don't so it's this is more of a guess or just a conversation but it's one-sided because I can't hear you guys but please talk to me in your head at least the first thing I wanted to talk about is pain, pain and wounds. Is the past pain truly forgiven? Are your wounds really healed? This is one of the first things I think when you think, do I get back with my ex, obviously male or female, this is very unisex episode. Is that pain that caused you to split up, is it genuinely forgiven? Not just, oh, well, I'll get over it or I love you so much, I'll move on. Have you really healed? Right? Because if not, getting back together is going

to be putting a plaster over a fucking bullet wound. You might feel like you've done a good job for a bit and not long, that wound is going to seep and open up and blood's going to be fucking everywhere. And yes, that got dark, but let's roll with it. You need to know in your whole heart don't try and kid yourself that you too have forgiven that pain and those wounds are healed it's not going to be like a quick one month off like this get back together thing if you've had some seriously painful damaging experiences which have led to the split in the first place you need to really address it both separately and then in conversation together if you can so that you know that you're both on the same page with this you know reconciliation and you go okay

I can feel I can sense and feel that we've we've both really let it go if you haven't do not get back together if you believe there is no way I can forgive that there is no way I can ever let go of how they treated me and there's no way I will ever understand what they did or be okay with it, don't get back together. Trust me. Don't. My next port of call for this was thinking about have you really wholly embraced a life without them? And what I mean by this is have you really accepted your single status or are you still clinging on to this idea that you will rekindle your flame. Because to get back together, you really have to be single. You have to embrace your life without them, your goals without them, your future without them. You have to

understand that you are single now and be okay with it. Nay, love it. You need to love it. You need to love your life the way it is. You need to properly disconnect and cut off from this person, even though you love them, even though you believe they're your soulmate and you believe with your whole heart that something will happen in the future or you're mentally begging for them to come and knock at your door, you have to disconnect and cut off because the only way you know for sure if you belong together is living a life not together. You've broken up for a reason, whatever that reason may be. Could be a family have intervened or one of you's cheated or you argue all the time. You maybe have broken up because you're doing long distance or because

of COVID. Whatever the reason, you have to disconnect and cut off and really embrace being alone. Cannot stress that enough. Then I want you to think about, is it just jealousy? Are you jealous because you don't like the idea of them with someone else are you jealous because that's you know in your head your your partner your property your other half you don't want anyone else touching your partner you don't want to share your partner is it just this jealous emotion you have over this person for your memories and your past history that makes you think that you should be together again. Because if it is, if that's your driving force, well, I don't want anyone else to have them. So I must still love them. That's so not right. It's a completely normal

reaction. Don't get me wrong. Like if I think about my ex or someone else, I want to rip his face off, I guess. But rip it off nicely so I could put it back on again and make him look pretty. but yeah obviously that emotion is normal but if that's the only thing the main factor that you're holding on to then no that's not a good enough reason the same goes for loneliness are you just lonely being alone is not the same as being lonely and I think that's a really important distinction to make in fact I'm going to write a blog about it because I love being alone being alone is a fact but being lonely is a choice and believe it or not you're making that choice if you can't handle being lonely and that's a driving force to get back with your ex that is

also not a good enough reason once again very normal emotion you've gone from this relationship whether it was six months three months five years however long it was to nothing it's yeah fucking lonely it really is but you can choose not to be lonely and you can be happy being alone and that is one of the most liberating mindsets to have is when you're happy being alone it's fantastic and um yeah I've honestly I've rocked that I fucking love being alone no fucking stress another thing to think about is have you dated other people so obviously I understand this isn't being alone this is you dating other people but what I mean is have you explored the idea with other people in your life how are you going to know if this person used to be with is your soul

mate unless you've dated other people and realized that they are or they're not your soul soul soul mate could be just around the corner but you're not going on dates or meeting anyone because you're still lamenting about your past love you know and stuck in your memories I'm not saying you should you know go and get on tinder and go and date every single bloody man that you can swipe to you match to but don't rule out the concept of dating other people of course if you do get back together this is going to really fucking hurt both of you like oh hey I actually went on a date with this chick or this chick and I went on a date with this guy but if it means you've both got such clarity now to say fucking hell you and I forever like there's no way I want anyone else

I know there's no way I want anyone else because I tried other people I went on dates it was nothing it felt flat and muted and futile and all I do is think about you that's what we want so open up your mind to dating other people meeting other people and just seeing where it goes and allow that space to perhaps be a positive space perhaps you might meet someone who's a little better for you have you given it enough time since the separation i want you to think about that as well if it's been two or three weeks and you're like no no i gotta get back with them i should get back with them it's it's been three weeks you shouldn't be doing fucking anything in fact you should give yourself three months is what i would suggest minimum three months a good six

months would be fantastic if you can before you actively try and get back together you've got to give yourself enough time to heal over the pain of the breakup because all we do is we're all with our emotions we're in so much agony and what makes that agony go away is that person but they also were part of the problem they're the cure and the curse right they're part of the reason you feel like this so you automatically want to go and get the comfort and go and cuddle them and and have that oh my god i love you too that that security that won't last you will then slip back into our ways all those past trauma and wounds will be unhealed still you've got to give it time you really have don't jump as soon as you can back into the relationship what you also have

to do is reflect on both the good and the bad not just the good so i don't want you idolizing your x because we as human beings we tend to do that right so you you you tend over time to like slowly forget those that pain you forget the bad stuff you think oh actually you know remember when they did this remember that and suddenly every photo on your facebook or your instagram is a really good memory and it just floats all the way up and all that pain that you've now buried starts to go away and we forget what happened and we then idolize the past person we idolize that relationship oh my god how could i have let it go it was amazing it fucking wasn't amazing because if it was you'd still be fucking together and this break wouldn't have happened right be realistic with how

you reflect mentally on this and i'm not saying by any stretch of imagination that it wasn't amazing or that you two aren't destined to be together I just don't want you leaving the relationship and idolizing your past partner because that is not healthy and it's not helpful either and it's actually counterintuitive to getting back together because you shouldn't get back with someone that you're in this mindset of putting them on the pedestal again because that's that's not a partnership that's you putting someone on a pedestal I'm talking about them on a pedestal have they grown up? Have they embraced and amended their ways? This isn't all just on you. I believe you also need to see and hear and think and feel that this person, who is perhaps trying

to get back with you too, has addressed their shit. It's no good you going through like everything I've said in this podcast, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, amazing, yep, yep, yep, yep. And the other person's like nah but I still love you so let's do it you have to both grow he and she you know both parties here they have to also step up and they have to agree that whatever happened in the past you know with you is healed they have to forgive whatever they need to forgive their end because perhaps you weren't quite the same either and they have to say hey yeah I've I've spent my time I've looked inwards I've reflected I understood that I should never have said that and done that I'm never going to disrespect you like that again that's for sure I have been on

dates yeah and the dates were awful and I was just thinking about you it's been six months it's been 12 months it's been two years and I just don't want anyone else and I know for sure that it's you that's what you should be getting if you both have that growth and healing and time and mindset then I genuinely believe you can definitely make it work and that's what I want to end on a positive note because if this sounds like it's a negative episode where it's like oh if you're going to get back with your ex you need to do this this and this and this and this and this and this first. But getting back with your ex-partner is like something amazing, right? And it can be like lots and lots of couples have a break. It's not uncommon. And then after they've

had a break, they get married and have babies and live forever and a day. But that doesn't necessarily mean that's the same in your case. Obviously, this is all case by case, but there is a huge positive option there for a happy future. Yes, I do love a good love story and people finding each other again makes me very happy. And people healing and moving forwards and learning and growing makes me very happy as well. Sometimes, unfortunately, it does take you to lose what you've got for you to realize what we've got. As the cliche as it sounds, you know, you only realize what you have until it's gone. And I believe that's, you know, it's a human condition that's applicable to all of us. So, you know, don't be too hard on yourself if that's the case.

that kind of mindset leads to a lot of breakups a lot of people thinking there's bit off out there which is why I'm so strong about encouraging dating because you got to go out there to realize that the grass is not greener so yes I hope that's helped if you are considering getting back with your ex please do listen to what I said because I wish someone had given me this advice back when I did it unfortunately no one did and it was a shit show and I'm still living with the consequences so yes imparting my knowledge personal experience unto you to hopefully help you guys out and yeah if you do get back together i love a good love story so let me know send me your stories please of happiness um on my instagram at nix leader n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a peace out

thanks for listening to the sex in singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena watson and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore we're available on apple podcasts spotify google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe for a new episode every single week please do give us a five-star review it helps other people find our podcast we're also on social media with facebook and the gram don't be shy send me a message and come say hello for more information and to read more articles please do come over and say hey at