Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Single for Valentine's Day? Here's How To Find 'The One' For You

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

Don't worry, I gotchu. With love, Nixalina.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina. Happy Monday evening and thank you for joining me again. So this episode is single this Valentine's. Here are my top 10 tips to help you find your soulmate. Now, please take these with a little bit of pinch of salt because I'm also a huge advocate for being single and loving your own life. So I don't want to put a huge emphasis on you must find your soulmate because, yeah, you don't have to. And usually they come along when you least expect it,

right? The old cliche is actually true. And when it comes to the month of February and Valentine's Day, those longing pangs to be with a partner, the pangs kind of come a little bit louder. But what I want to say is it shouldn't be all doom and gloom and dreading the 14th of February and wanting to throw eggs at couples all loved up in the street. You can make some small tweaks to how you are in your lifestyle that might give you a helping hand when it comes to finding love. So if you're starting to think, you know, I never meet anyone or I must be the problem or every day I go on never like transpires to anything more or all these guys just friendzone me or ghost me. If you're feeling a bit stuck in this mindset, if you're fearful of the 14th because you've got

no one who wants to shower you with roses chocolates and love if you're feeling a little bit like you want just some help here I am so here's my top 10 tips that I think can help you if you're in that frame of mind if you're like yo nicks I'm single I'm fucking fabulous I am smashing my life then I'm like I'm here for it girl fuck that soul mate that's the train I'm on Okay. Anyway, let's delve in. Point one, it's time to focus on the here and now. So it's super easy to spend your spare time stuck in your own head, reflecting on all your bad life choices and bad men from the past. Or you focus completely on your future. You dread the idea of living life without a man around and you're fearful that this is going to be you single and

alone forever, right? What I want you to do is instead train your mind to focus only on the present and what you're experiencing right now. So be happy with your current state, understand the past had to happen to get to where you are now, and then trust in the future to serve you what you need when you need it. For now, you are single. So be single. Your living in this moment energy will soon attract someone who wants to live in this moment with you too. And also, not just a single status, but like there's this whole idea about happiness really is truly living in the present. We're not happy if we're stuck in the past. We're not happy if we're living in like an idealized future in our head. Happiness is living in the present. So start practicing that

and focusing on the here and now. Today. What are you doing today that makes you happy? How are you as a single woman today? Today, today, today. Point two, negative thought patterns need to stop pronto. So when you're lamenting about your single status or scrolling through social media, hating and all the hashtag relationship goals images. Fuck those people. I know I used to be one. You're creating a huge negative aura about yourself and your current single state. So this negative mindset is only going to harm yourself and project the kind of negative energy into the universe, which, as we all know, means you only attract negative energy back. Oh, laws of attraction, whether you want to believe them or not they exist that bad man you're with those bad dates

that bad memory that negative whole toxic relationship that that divorce you went through all of that that's going to keep flooding back into your life if that's what you're focusing on mentally if you sit there and think oh but why me why does nobody love me why am I not you know showered with 12,000 roses on Valentine's Day? Why am I not whisked away to all these amazing holidays? Well, you're not because of COVID right now. But you know, you get the general gist. When you're focusing on all the bad parts, you in turn only attract bad. Energy is like for like. Your negative thought pattern, your negative aura will only attract more of that. You get more back of what you focus on. So you have to train your thoughts. And it's not easy. Trust me. I've been

trying to do it for like four months now. It's so hard. But you have to train your thoughts to switch back to all the positive points about yourself and about your life. Every time you find your mind wandering down this vicious negative path. I've been doing it every morning. I wake up every morning. And I think only negatively, I reflect on my past relationship, I reflect on the pain I went through, I reflect on it. And then I have to find a very active thought process to switch up that thought pattern to something positive about me, about, you know, like, well, why did he fall for me in the first place? Okay, why did he do this to me? Because I am so loving, because I am so giving, because I am so, you know, successful. And then you start to replace

negative with positive and it will definitely change your entire day. Number three, you need to learn to accept your flaws. Now I can imagine if you're single and you've been single for a while and you find yourself often in this repeat pattern of bad men, you think, why me? Why me? What am I? What's wrong with me? But have you ever stopped to think that maybe your bad points are required to make you exactly who you are. You are who you are because of those flaws and that someone out there is going to love you completely as the whole, the good and the bad. Because none of us are perfect, people will love you in spite of those flaws and accept that that's part of what makes you who you are and they love you for who you are, okay? Because when we're desperately

trying to look for our soulmate or the next big love of our life. We try and become this perfect human that we think we need to be to bag the mat. But newsflash, perfect humans don't exist. So all that happens when you're doing this is you create an ideal about yourself that you cannot sustain. And then you resent yourself when you inevitably fall off this ladder. So once you start accepting everything about yourself. No, not accepting, embracing everything about yourself, including your flaws. You'll be more open to finding someone who will also do the same for you as well. Similarly, what you need to do is you need to throw away any baggage, mental negative baggage or bad words your ex-partners or bad dates or bad men have etched into your mind.

so you need to find your own strength and accept your own flaws whilst loving yourself fully and this means seeing yourself as a woman of worth someone of high value and understand a guy out there will treasure you head to toe and inside out and that means all your bad shit as well okay stop trying to be this perfect woman because you think that's what's going to make the guy fall for you or love you even if he does like the perfect facade and date one two and three and four at some point you will end up showing your real self right so why don't you become authentic and love exactly who you are bad points and all and then you'll find your real soulmate point four you need to accept their flaws too because perfection doesn't exist so you can't be

holding out for your dream man refuse any potential suitor who comes along just because i don't know you've got a 20 point checklist of everything you want in a partner and they don't quite match up so you want them to be taller than you you want them to be rich you want them to be sex sexful you want them to be baggage free no kids no divorce no marriage you want them to be fit you want them to be outgoing but you also want them to stay at home and enjoy cozy nights and you want them to be able to cook, but you also want them to be, isn't that exhausting? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your standards are unachievable for your potential suitors? I mean, look at it the other way. Wouldn't you be hurt if there was a possible soulmate on the horizon, but they decided

to call it a day with you because you didn't quite earn the amount of money they want you to earn, right everything else about you is amazing and they're like yeah but you know you're not rich enough for me unfortunately like when you be so hurt you're like how can you get rid of me just for something so like menial like it's just money and you know so if you try and think of it the other way around because I do know a lot of people have this tick list and they're very adamant about it like right I'm not letting this someone do this to me again or I will you know I always pay so the next one's got to be really rich or you're everything I want but you're just a bit too short you have to really chuck that tick list away and embrace that perhaps what you need in a partner

and someone to love you forever is not what you think you want let's take a moment for that bombshell I know right I ain't just a pretty face number five drop the desperate gonna be a little bit brutal with your girls and trust me i'm talking from experience i'm not leaving you out hanging there i'm in the cesspit with you even if you tell everyone you meet including the poor shopkeeper at 7-eleven that you are categorically not desperate for a man if you are in fact desperate everyone's gonna know anyway it's a vibe you give off I swear men can like sniff out desperate on women within the first like half hour of meeting you probably not even that 10 minutes this desperation puts them off

and I'm sorry but it's fact it's the same with me and men you know when I have guys try and date me even if I sense desperation just through text messages I just won't say them because I'm like oh no, you're too much. Yeah, I had that recently. I had that recently when I just feel like I had every intention of actually starting to like see him and then it just goes too much. Like I didn't, I could feel the vibe, desperate, desperate, desperate. So whilst it is insanely hard to try not to be desperate when you are in fact are, tired, bored, lonely and desperate, you need to learn to be okay with whatever outcome you receive when you're dating if he stops texting you so be it if he cancels the date okay cool you almost forgot it happened anyway does he want to friend

zone you okay let's be friends i'm cool with that i'm like chill if you take a step back from the situation take your emotions out of it and think what will be will be and once again you're now living in the present, right? So you haven't met this guy once and gone, oh my God, I wonder what our babies look like. You've gone, I had a great first date. Perhaps I'll see him again. Perhaps I won't. We'll see. When you start doing this, those desperate vibes will disappear because you're not actually desperate. You're having a good time. You're quite chilled. You're playing it by ear. And ironically, that will make you more attractive and probably make them want to see you more it's not fair it's just how the universe works so if you drop the desperate

but authentically genuinely drop it don't pretend we all know if you're pretending if you become not desperate to meet your soulmate you probably will meet your soulmate how's that for a kick in the face number six say yes to the dates say yes yes yes to the dates trust me i know it's been the whole decade of my 20s now back into my 30s dating is fucking tiring when you have bad date after bad day after bad day you're like why do I even bother like when I was in London I was like oh I can't even be asked to go on another bad day to get the fucking train back home get squeezed onto the tube like everything become a chore because I couldn't be dealing with such shit bad dates I just got so exhausted with it all but the problem that I then have is that that one bad

date that two bad dates you might then have a third or fourth date offer that you cancel and that could be the one that changed your entire world so let's put it this way true love isn't going to trip into your front door unannounced and sweep you off your sofa is it true love doesn't happen to just be some client at your workplace or a new person who joins the office you're not that lucky right it doesn't really it does happen that way sometimes but generally it's going to be a lot of effort to get there you're going to sift through a lot of shit to find the diamond say yes to dates and say yes to dates that you're not overly sure on because you never predict in real life if there's going to be actual chemistry and like i said before you don't know what you need

you know what you want, but what you need in your life might be opposite. So say yes to the dates and embrace everyone. If it's bad, it's a learning curve. If it's good, take it as face value. I had a great time. I'd love to see him again. He wants to see me again. Great. Let's see where this goes. Number seven, dating apps. Re-evaluate your profile and your match choices. So if you're on dating apps, not a bad thing. You know, COVID sucks. I'm on dating apps as well, although fuck me I'm tired of the fucking bullshit on there oh god I think I'm just going to delete them because I just the messages I cannot deal if you're feeling like you're constantly swiping and you're getting this typical type of guy then start re-evaluating what you're putting out to

your dating universe for your apps take a look at your photos that drunk photo of you pissed out your face does that say girlfriend material that one with the low-cut top and the high dress is that look like you're up for an easy time or does that look like you want something more like and I this is hard for me to talk about because I think girls should be able to feel sexy and sexual and express that with no pre-judgment but then I worry that there is always a pre-judgment what I'm saying is it doesn't like I'm not saying don't post you and your sexy bodycon like I'm pretty sure I got lingerie pics on there have I I don't know anyone who's matching me on tinder I can't remember what my pictures look like but I also have them all over my instagram right so I'm

like it's part and parcel of me as a package if you get offended by that or you think oh that makes her a slut you know that that's on you that's not me if I do look at my pictures I'm like right what does if I was a bloke what would that say to me as a woman and the stuff you write as well what does that say, you know, you can just write them after fun if that's all you want. No judgment. As always, judgment-free zone here. Just take a look at your profile, the pictures and the words, try and re-evaluate as a guy's point of view, objectively, then re-evaluate who you're swiping to. Is there a common trait of man that constantly leads you down the same messages and the same bad date? If so, why don't you start addressing your type and start swiping to other options that might

lead a different way number eight you need to learn to walk at the first warning sign so given how much you now want to be loved you've been single for a while you are not desperate but very on the edge of wanting to be in a relationship and that seems to be quite focused for you and you know everything else in your life you love except that you want to be loved that will probably mean it's very easy for you to ignore certain warning signs in light of keeping a man around so okay he has a short temper well we all snap sometimes right okay so he cheated on his ex but that's not you he's not going to cheat on you oh okay so he lied to you at one time but he said sorry for it and you know that was early days anyway right okay stop you need to start

seeing these red flags when they first appear and learn to walk away there and then the reason you've had such a bad run previously is often to your own submission to keeping bad men around you right so if you struggle to see it for yourself maybe try and picture your best girlfriend telling you about their partner behaving this way and seeing what advice you'd give her so if i think about to say my own thing. My girlfriend saying, look, I've met a guy. He's married. He told me he cheated on his wife. He then lied to me in the first month. He then told his wife he still loved her when he was living with me still. You know, if I look at this story, if that was a girlfriend, I'd be like, fucking run, run. That was the first few months. But I didn't because I was

this single 29 year old girl desperate to be loved right so what i'm saying to you is don't make excuses for issues and warning signs and red flags because you want to be loved don't do it you have to have to have to walk and start putting a value on yourself and start seeing things for what they are not for your emotional haze once you're able to dispel the bad as soon as it gets spotted and comes out, you'll then be able to find yourself able to spot the good and keep hold of it. Number nine, give yourself a little pampering and a makeover. Okay, I'm hearing you loud and clear, superficial isn't going to help you find true love. What it does is give you self-love and confidence, which is the first and foremost starting point to finding love. You have to

love yourself before anyone can love you. You have to love yourself unconditionally before you then enter into a loving healthy relationship so make yourself feel good you're getting rid of your negative energy your negative thought pattern we've already gone through that you've accepted your you know flaws as a person and you love yourself then let's do something for ourselves even even if it's a pampering day at the spa give yourself a mini makeover perhaps go and buy some new products perhaps get your hair done you know like even if it's just a beautiful blow dryer you don't want a transformation. Whatever it is, give yourself a little bit of self-love on the outside, some pampering that gives you the self-confidence, even if all it is is going to buy some sexy

lingerie just to put on for yourself. Why the fuck not? Love you on the outside and the inside. Finally, point number 10. Stop considering bad dates or short flings as failure, okay? so if you're continuing to date into this year maybe they all end up horrendously wrong learn not to consider this as a failure or worse blame yourself for the outcome everything is a lesson to learn even if it's a painful one so just keep on going keep being positive about every new experience try and find something to take away from it like even if it was horrendously bad you're like right well i'm not going to put myself in that situation again that's a lesson to learn that's still a positive keep an open mind to every new man and i think

trust in the universe to deliver what you deserve and need exactly when you need it so perhaps these bad men and bad dates and short flings or relationships that have turned so toxic and perhaps this is all what you need to discover who you are right now and become who you need to be for the future and I think if you keep an open mind in this space and an open heart and start with self-love external love from your soulmate will soon come flooding in and that is the end of this episode so happy valentine's day everyone if you're in a relationship enjoy it spoil each other make sure you tell each other and show each other how much you love each other if you're single give yourself all the self-love you deserve hang out with your girlfriends or you know just

pamper yourself and understand it's just one day it doesn't dictate who you are or how you failed in life you failed nothing single isn't status is not a failure it's just a state of being and with that I love you all so thank you for tuning in and yes happy valentines thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and

singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at Nixalina N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.