Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - So, You Love Them, But The Sex is Shit. Now What?

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

I've been there my friends, I've been there. It sucks. Or doesn't suck properly, as the case may be. With love, Nixalina. ​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com. Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok @nixalina to slide into my DMs  

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hello, welcome back to another episode of me. This week, we're going to be talking about sex. Sex, sex, sex. and it's called so you love them but the sex is shit now what you know what i used to be a love conquers all kind of woman you love me i love you we can now

do anything anything penniless it's okay love conquers all um actually no sorry to rip that band-aid off pretty fucking quickly love does not conquer all and it certainly doesn't supersede a shit fucking sexual connection sadly you can find someone you you love you have an emotional connection to but that doesn't necessarily mean you have an amazing sexual connection and it's fucking annoying and it's shit across the board and you left in like what do i do because you don't want to be that person that's like, oh, if sex is shit, I bounce, because then you sound quite hollow, right? And superficial. But, big but, you can't really be in a relationship long term with shit sex either, because it just doesn't fucking work. So let's detail.

let's start off by detailing some issues which makes sex shit in a relationship and they will probably be based on my personal experiences in the past so um bear with me as we talk about that but yeah let's dive in and work out some of the issues the main issues so the first one is mismatch of libido I was left with one of my exes begging for sex right and I'm not a nymph I'm not but you know like a handful of times a week would be fucking nice and it's what I'm used to and I'm used to men who were like gagging at the bit to have it at least once a day if not more and this particular ex like I would have to be begging and he'd say no no no and it would be like you know in the morning at the weekend or even if we went out dancing together when we get

back no drinking together and I'll try no fucking mental now I have a feeling this person was kind of using it as a tool against me so actually he was doing it on purpose but many a time there is a mismatch of libido and it's a fucking problem because if one of you feels you have to always put out oh god and the other one feels they're not getting any and they're always declined that relationship is going to suffer and more likely end I've got to be honest because the one honestly the one who needs it more who's not getting any they might even cheat do you know what I mean they might look elsewhere because like fuck this and I'll be very clear with the ex of mine who was just not putting out I had about a month left right in May um I started writing

pros and cons list and I was like basically was like I'm sexually starved he doesn't kiss me properly anymore he doesn't cuddle me like honestly to god if I was trying to get a kiss it would be like I'd got like a I slap on the lips like like I was 12 or something I'm like bro what happened to fucking kissing me like a woman what happened to sex what the fuck is going on and then of course the more I'm like calling him out on it the worse it got the more he didn't want to do it. And it just spiraled. But I was about a month out of being like, just on sex alone, I'm jumping ship. I'm not a cheat. No, never. That's not who I am at all. But a part of me was like, I'm sexually starved here. This ain't normal. This is, you know, it's not like we're 10 years

in or married with kids or whatever like this is weird as fuck and something I'm not used to like I said general consensus of most of my relationships is like guys are just on fire to get me um no it's very interesting but and also I'm such a romantic so I'm like love first love love love conquers all and yet that situation yeah I had one month left in my head I'm like if nothing fucking changes i'm out the fucking door um luckily it finished before before then i got set free but yeah mismatch of libido huge major major player in shit sex during a relationship sadly and it's probably something you can't really work around right because it means one of you has to change their natural dynamic towards intimacy to suit the other one. Slippery slope, slippery

slope. Selfish lovers. So this is where sex is all about their needs. They want to be pleasured without bothering to pleasure. I've sadly also had a couple of those. One of them basically I had to beg to like go down there with me. I'm like, dude, go down there and come on now whereas every time we had sex it he expected me to give him a blowy and then we have sex and at the beginning okay yeah it was fun like don't mind a blowy whatever but when it starts to be the only thing that happens and when you start to feel like well I could you're lying there like I could be anyone he's literally fucking my mouth and then we're having sex for about three minutes and then he's done like right right okay um no when that happens over and over again you're like

then I'm starting to think why would I bother selfish lovers are shit and yeah I see it just crap it's just shit you can bypass it for a bit but if it's so fucking obvious that they have no intention of bothering to even try and pleasure you or they don't seem to get pleasure out of your body then it's like I don't see how that could be a sustainable relationship between the pair of you just on that alone they usually probably they never listen to what turns you on either so you know I'd be like I like to have this I like to you know maybe talk to me I like to be strangled and then I'd get it like once after I mentioned it and then that'd be it I'm like oh okay or I'd be like you know I like it when you say this or when you say that and then silent sex and I'm

like it's quite silent like dude listen to what I'm fucking telling you and and step up I'm not bag and a hole just so you can spunk all over me and fuck off give me pleasure back so yeah Selfish lovers, not a vibe. Also, selfish lovers, they usually entail being a fucking selfish prick in the relationship. I mean, it goes hand in hand, right? If they're like, my needs are met only in the bedroom, you can bet your fucking dollar they only want their needs met outside the bedroom and you basically are there to serve. Fucking no.

Run a mile. Another issue is where porn overtakes your actual sex life. that happens frequently um yeah people masturbate to porn okay great i am not against porn i'm not i love it actually but when it becomes the only thing that they're interested in and you're now the backup like they would rather go and tug one out and watch a movie a movie makes it sound good go and watch a pleasant romantic movie if i'd rather do that than have sex with you it's a fucking issue if you've become secondary to fucking porn i'm all my relationships i'm like bro porn can be included i love it like talk to me show me what you're watching oh let me see what

your kink is this week it's fine as long as you're still fucking me as long as we still have a great sexual relationship i don't give a fuck what you watch when you masturbate but often men can't handle the fact that porn is not reality their brains get a little bit confused or they're like yeah like her vagina's perfect and yours has got hair on it yeah because she's a porn star so her vagina is a living so of course it looks spotless but women aren't groundbreaking they have hair down there bro and if you shave it you might get shaving rash you wax it you might get ingrown hairs it's called life darling so you either fuck a porn star marry a porn star and deal with having men inside of a coming all over a face for a living or accept that real women

don't have bleached buttholes your choice darling another issue is if they're sexually checked out now you may be thinking haven't you covered this no I haven't because mismatch of libido is not sexually checked out selfish lovers is not sexually checked out sexually checked out is when they are just not interested in sex end of story so like I could get dressed up in lingerie and I remember one boyfriend of mine um for the first time ever I got dressed up in lingerie I think it was Valentine's was the occasion. And you know me, I have so many beautiful sets. I've done so many photo shoots. And this particular one was extra kinky, as in they would not have made it to the Instagram grid. I remember coming out and standing there and showing him, thinking

it's literally the first time he's seen me in full lingerie. And it's a surprise. He had no idea it was coming and I expected I might be coming. No. You kind of weren't bothered. And that's when I remember thinking like, okay, this is a fucking problem. I was expecting a drop everything, fuck dinner plans, let's go straight to the bedroom kind of vibe. Grab the Prosecco on your way no no they're weird i might as well come out in a fucking telly tubby outfit just bizarre sexually checked out is someone who's not yeah maybe they're not sexually into you and that is a horrible thing to say out loud into grass but if it's reality it's rally or maybe they're sexually checked out in general maybe they don't want to they can't get hard you know like i

hear all about these steroid, roid rage. I've never been with a man who's openly admitted to taking steroids, but I have my suspicions on a handful of them. But yeah, like roids shrink your dick and make it difficult for your dick to stay hard. So that might be it. Maybe the change in sexual appetite is, I don't know, they're taking, or they're on medication, maybe not steroids, that maybe they're on medication for something else you know even like the pill the hormones in the contraceptive pill for women that fucks up your sexual appetite as well it's one of the reasons why i don't take it because yeah it messes with you and you're like nah um so yeah it could be that there are other factors at play obviously all of your um thing is all individual

but regardless having someone one of you sexually checked out it's not gonna it's not gonna last is it long term things have to change because it just affects your whole relationship and what it does is it ruins the self-esteem of the other person and that's the real shitter like that's the crappy part that I don't like um and finally moving on from say void rage I'd say finally dick issues is a reason why you get shit sex. A lot of the things I've found in the past is men needing supplements, Viagra, little blue pills, because they drink too much or when they are drunk, they take it to get hard to have sex. Okay, right. Fine if it's a one-off and you can still stay hard sober. Not fine if you struggle to stay hard sober and you're popping pills

more than a couple of times a week because you're always drinking like that is a problem I'd say dick issues in terms of staying hard and or coming too fast now coming too fast is not as much of a problem in my eyes I could be wrong for you for me it's no real biggie as long as they kind of ensure that I'm satisfied then I'm like whatever if they're not if they're just coming after like three minutes and then rolling off you i mean okay if that happens once or twice but if that's the fucking baseline narrative of your sex life like mate but at that point i just be like go watch your porn wanking you three minutes into your fucking hand like what am i here for so yeah dick issues is a difficult one because often it's not actually their fault but

it's their fault if they don't address it and change their lifestyle to correct it okay it's also their fault if they blame you for it and you've done nothing wrong you haven't changed since day dot they just decide like this event or what you start clocking on that they're taking some supplements or you start clocking on and you're voicing the fact you know i mean and it's your fault that's a problem um and finally uh finally finally i said finally earlier but this is just a quick side point. If you only have drunk sex and you don't have sober sex, that's a problem. Lots of people do only get horny when they're drinking and I get it, but it's for a long lasting relationship. And we're talking about being in love with each other.

You need to have a beautiful sober sex connection. And you can go and dig into the archives of my podcast. There is, I think it's a season seven episode where I basically talk about how I prefer sober sex over drunk sex any day of the week. It's fucking amazing. And if you're not getting that and you're just getting the drunk stuff and it's like, it just feels such a different superficial connection. So yeah, I'm out of it on that one. So all that being detailed, how to fix it, right? How do we fix shit sex? There's a few main things. Communication is your number one, always your number one key, key thing. You need to be able to voice that you're not sexually pleasured. You need to be able to sit and have honest conversations. You need to say,

hey, that like, you're not kissing me even anymore. You're not fucking me and you're making me beg for physical attention. This isn't right. And hopefully after you've communicated, things change. you could also try new things as in like introducing lingerie looking up I don't know tantric sex looking up different sexual positions introducing new toys you could try and spice it up that way usually it does help but of course it depends on the issues that you're dealing with of which I've already outlined. It depends which one of those is going on, to how trying new things would work or not work. And you can also take the pressure off. So a lot of the time, the person pulling away just feels pressured. And so it's very difficult then with the communication because,

you know, I try and say it once, like, this isn't working, you're not fucking me, like, I don't understand. But then I try and leave it because if I said that every fucking time I'd try and have sex or if I said that every week it's too much so try and take the pressure off and let sex basically happen organically and I know that's difficult for those like I waited organically it's been five months I get it I get it I get it and it's shit um but basically I'd say they're the three core things you can try and fix this and if they're not if they're like not working the relationship will come to a natural end and or you finish it and that's harsh as fuck to say out loud but it's the truth you can't continue in a relationship where the sex is

so shit that you're feeling frustrated and loved neglected because it's not just about an orgasm it's about your whole connection to yourself. When women and men are loved right, and the sex is amazing, that physical connection, they just radiate, you know? They're not sitting there feeling insecure, unconfident, you know? Am I ugly? Did I put weight on? Did I lose too much weight? Are my feet not right? I mean, is my vagina not okay? Is my dick too small? You're not affecting someone's like core belief about themselves and i prolong periods where sex is either shit or not happening then that does that affects you it does which leads into the rest of your all the other areas of your life your work your friends you know how you show up for yourself

so you may think it's just sex in just a relationship it's just sex i love them they love me no it's a big deal and i think we should but we should all be able to say that it's a big fucking deal it matters which is why i'm doing this episode i hope this has helped on any level um i'm sorry if you're going through this i have been through this before and so i get it and i get how shit it makes you feel and i'm sorry if the answers aren't what you want in terms of basically you try a few basic things if nothing changes it's probably the end of the relationship but I generally believe that's the case. Now, before I do check out and leave, I will say so many couples go through dry spells, then the sex picks up again, and it's external factors. Maybe

there's stress at work, there's changes, a puppy got adopted, a baby came on the scene. These are different scenarios. This is external life factors that affect the dynamic. Totally get it. Super supernormal, super, supernormal, absolutely fine. I'm talking about the moments where like there is nothing big. It's just something overnight changed or something, this happened from day dot. So as soon as you met, there was a mismatch of libido. As soon as you met, they were selfish in bed. Their dick didn't work. Do you know what I mean? Like it's a different scenario to say a couple have been obsessed with each other for five years, but just had a baby, therefore sex has waned. normal do not split up do not go around saying Nick Sedgwick do not do not do not okay on that

note I'm gonna bounce because I've waffled again I know but you love my waffle it's what you're here for and I look forward to seeing you all next week I'd love to hear from you how you feel about this particular episode and if you have any episode ideas because I'm always eager and open to covering topics that you need. Me too. You can email me. You can slide into my DMs on Insta. You can reach out to me however you want across socials.

It's at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A. And with that, thank you all. And I will see you all next week. Thanks for listening to the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast. Produced and hosted by me, Nixalina. I'm recorded in the Splice Cast Studios in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening.

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