Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Spillin' the Tea on My Relationship - From How We Met to Now

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

Who is this guy? WTF did he come from? Did you...actually...do drunk first date dirty dancing on your IG stories? Tune in to my tea-spill, I know you want to. 

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina. Happy Monday evening everyone. everyone I hope you are all doing okay and looking forward to the working week boo this episode is because I get a lot of dms off both guys and girls whenever I post about my partner and they're like oh my god where did you meet him how have you been so lucky oh my god

where do I find one what happened you know you're glowing you're glowing I love it I actually love it. I love all of you so much. You know how many of you have just messaged me and told me I'm glowing. It's fucking fantastic. So I feel like I need to do this episode, which is spilling the tea on my relationship from how we met to now. I need to do this because I'm aware you guys were on a journey with me through that really dark moment when I realized I'd had a toxic relationship with a severe narcissist and I did all those episodes about that and I then just you know suddenly on social media I was all loved up and you guys are like what what how so I want us to take us back I'm going to tell you how that's that's how I'm going to take us back to my low

moment because there's something I really want to touch upon before we start which is if you go to my episodes where I talk about the emotional damage of being with a narcissist. Then I talk about the rebound and the damage that cause and then the part one and part two recovery from a toxic relationship. A lot of the key pointers I was constantly saying throughout is basically you need to go off and heal yourself. And it's all very well and good sitting here in a studio and saying that but but going through the motions and living through it is a really fucking dark horrible time so I I had I reckon four months where I was just emotionally in hell and I knew he was obviously off sleeping his way around the island because you know that's what narcs do but

I just, I was so headstrong and I don't know how I did it, but I was so headstrong about being on my own because I knew if I can get through this on my own, I can get through anything. And that's how I felt. It's just like, what was my driving force? Because I, I was, you know, in that phase where I was just struggling to get out of bed every day. I wasn't sleeping or eating, you know, you know the score you've all listened and I was not just healing from from a breakup but I was healing from emotional damage that this narcissist had caused me personally and I had no idea how bad it was for those four and a half years and you know when I look back I just can't I can't believe how I live through it I really really can't like what he would do and say to me is just

fucking awful. And everything was said to harm me, to cause arguments, to invoke a reaction out of me so that then he can say I'm crazy. And I really, really, really suffered. But I was determined to be alone. And I knew if I went out straight away and slept with someone, it would literally just be a cover and i probably even feel even worse after and i just i'm not the kind of person that can go off and just have meaningless sex i really struggle with that i have to have some sort of like connection um well that being said wait till you hear what happened you'll be like yeah all right nicks um yeah so I stayed single and uh had no sex for for seven six to seven months yeah and after you've been in a long-term relationship where you have sex like as as

often as you want you know every week you come home they're in bed and you fancy it whatever it's really hard and to go through that no sex phase and I remember saying to like And one of my best friends was like, I'm fucking horny all the time. I just, I was like, I'm just struggling. Like, I can't concentrate. I just want to have sex again. I just want to feel a man on top of me. Like, why is that so fucking difficult? But yeah, I knew that I couldn't do it. I knew that I had to stay strong. So I purposely kept my legs shut from anyone for as long as I possibly could because I was on my healing path. What does this mean? This means I was spending my time not concerning myself with a man, but concerning myself with myself. I journaled every day. I was

seeing my friends. I was doing things that I neglected to do for myself whilst in that relationship. I did a lot of research on what I was going through. I watched a lot of YouTube videos on it and I learnt about personality behaviours. I learnt about cluster A, cluster B personality types, which I will do, by the way, because you also ask about that. So I'm going to do episodes on that for you guys. But I really kind of, I guess, focused on myself and did a lot of healing. I really did. I was in therapy and I was alone. You're like, shut up, Nix. No one cares we heard all this before it's relevant to the story okay just bear with me so there I am pretty much healed you when you leave I say pretty much because when you leave a narcissist

the wounds are so deep and the the people are so fucking dark that it takes a lot to recover and let go from I was healed in the respect that I didn't want to be around him anymore that I'd lost all that loving feeling that I had from him. I was healed in that I was actually content on my own. I was healed in that I understood my behavior patterns in that why I was attracted to someone so dark in the first place and I worked through that with my therapist. I was healed in the fact that I understood how bad he was and that actually I wasn't crazy and actually I wasn't a problem and I'm you know I'm a good person and I went for this so yeah I was I was doing pretty okay then guess what oh yeah you know I felt like the universe was just like she finally got her

fucking shit together we're gonna throw in Prince Charming YOLO so what happened was is I I think guess it was April end of March April I was at a house party um please note at this point I was on dating apps and finding all of them terribly fucking awful any guy that I actually connected with on the dating app in you know real life was not not a vibe or just never actually made it to real life it was just text text text text text and no actual date whatever I wasn't overly interested anyway to be honest so I'm on dating apps very much happy single I'm at a house party we are boozing during the day it was a house warming um by the pool drinking in the pool way life is great when the house party kind of rap was like not wrapping up but we moved upstairs from the pool

I'm like fuck I need to get cigarettes oh disclosure young people please do not smoke i'm trying to give up but yes i am i really am um so i was like oh i need cigarettes and one of the guys was like hey my mate's coming over uh just wait i'll get him to buy you some so i'm like okay whatever and then waiting and waiting and i say where's this guy where's this guy mate of yours i need cigarettes so the dude takes a photo of me and i you know i'm drunk i'm like five hours in to this boozy barbecue by the way um like I'd been dunked underwater my hair was a mess my makeup was everywhere and then I just pulled this stupid peace sign and stick my tongue out give me cigarettes right so this guy sends it to his mate his mate eventually arrives he is this

tall uh ginger head Australian guy like huge um comes in like super charismatic um and I think in about 20 minutes of him turning up we were already like sitting next to each other talking into each other he reckons I kissed him which I think is an outright lie and within about 45 minutes of him arriving we had left to carry on the party at his it is it is not like me okay let me this is why I want to tell you this story so you guys like where did he come from because I don't know where he came from I had no expectation all I wanted was bloody cigarettes because I'd been drinking all day and I was out and yeah that's what I was focused on this guy arrives I'd never heard of him before the dude at the party's never ever brought him

up to me you know it wasn't like I was aware of his existence which is weird in Singapore because it's like one degree of separation right everyone knows everyone but this yeah this huge Australian turns up and I'm like what I don't really know what happens next I only know because I got shown it and told about it on Instagram the next day so I go back to his and we are drinking more at his house and then we do dirty dancing like like Patrick Swayze at the end we're even playing the music and I'm running up and jumping into him I mean yeah what I did is I recorded this And I thought it was a great idea to put it all on my Instagram stories. So, yeah, yeah, yeah, I slept with him that night.

Not going to lie. Not proud of it, but I did. I wake up the next day in my bed. I think, fuck. And I look at my phone and I am inundated with messages. Like, my best friends, my friends from the UK, follow us like, what did I just watch? like you were practically having sex with this guy on your instagram stories i'm like what what

one of my best friends is like babe love you really think you should take that down i've got no recollection i don't know what anyone's talking about so i watch my stories and hey let me just explain i had bloody shorts and a t-shirt on and he was in shorts as well so i wasn't like prancing around in lingerie i had my denim shorts on and a top but because we were doing this like dirty dancing thing when we were hammered it was all a bit fucking weird I deleted these videos straight away if you saw these guys you're welcome um yeah so I woke up the next day did the hangover fear deleted everything I didn't I couldn't even watch them all I was filming us drinking and dancing and singing I have single-handedly ruined

to the song Torn for myself. Natalie and Brulia, Torn. Yeah, was my karaoke tune. I can't do it anymore. I just can't listen to it. So I put this on Instagram stories. I don't recall a thing. I also don't recall his name. I don't recall him. I get a WhatsApp. He's like, hey, and it says his name. And I'm like, oh, hi. Okay. I had his headphones in my bag. I don't know why I got those he's got his my earrings at his and I'm like fuck fuck I fucking slept with someone last night so for me I did some reflection that day and I was like wow I I don't recall why I would do that I've been so so headstrong about not sleeping with someone about being single and in my head I was going to be single for the whole of this year because that's just I was like I'm not

fucking jumping into another relationship I'm not doing it I don't want it and I don't find anyone you know on the dating apps even like remotely interesting and yeah I'm still doing me I'm really I was very in a really good place and I think that's why he came along because I was in a really good place because I'd done all my healing and then bam organically this guy just shows up at a party that all I wanted was cigarettes and I just thought it'd be another guy to chat to and whatever and go home and no it was a thing so yeah what happens is he then tries to see me text me and I'm like not that interested however in my mind and he knows this by the way I've told him on this in my mind I was like I'm gonna go on a date with him because I have slept

with this guy so I really want to know like I can't even remember what he looked like honestly it was that bad um I just yeah I was drunk don't recall obviously had a good time but that was it I knew I knew nothing about him so yeah he wants to take one day and I like I was like now I can't now I've got netball busy so I eventually say like a week later that I will see him and we go to Spargo and I remember saying to my girlfriends like I'm gonna go on this day it wasn't a pity date but it was more like you know I've clearly broken my rule of not having sex with you know and it's now a one-night stand so I at least want to see the guy like this is not my behavior I don't do this I've never really been a one-night stand kind of woman it just does

nothing for me so it was all very odd that like you know like that's that I was so uncharacteristically me that night yes I'm aware I was blind drunk but also I've been blind drunk before and still went home and didn't have sex so I'm like going on this date just to basically see this guy verify my mind like okay it was a drunken mistake um great sex but whatever thank you for dinner see you later was my plan and as I walked into MBS I even walked past this coffee place and this my girlfriend was like next and I had a girl there I was like she's like what are you doing I remember saying to her oh I'm going on this fucking date with that there's this guy I saw last week and she was like oh my god is it the one who was dancing in your stories oh okay so

literally the whole island saw that did they cool um yeah so that was even my mindset going up to bar guy I was like I get there he's sitting there as soon as I see him I'm like now I know why I did what I did because hot damn wow yeah this this boy is handsome as fuck like charismatic charming tall muscly big build and we're sitting there and we he's like ordered best champagne and it's like you told me you like champagne so i've got this for you he's like taking charge and ordering stuff off the menu of the chef's menu and like we're trying it all out together and i just had the best night and i remember a changing moment for me right was when I was sitting with him at Spago and I was like oh I just want to go and like look at all

the ships in the night sky it's like I think they look really pretty and he was like you do you darling that was it you do you you do you darling like you go and film the ships if you want to and he just didn't care so I got off my little stool went around the side and filmed all the ships and stuff I was like oh they're so pretty and he just he was just super easygoing I confessed to him that night. I didn't even remember him being Australian. I didn't even remember his accent or anything. In my head, he was British because the dude who connected us was British. And he was like, no, darling, I'm from Sydney. I was like, oh, OK. Yep. Went home with him that night. Do you see a pattern forming? And then say to his again.

this was when I started to like soften up to the idea that I wanted to actually like see this guy he asked to see me again after our first day and you know basically it was as awesome as it was at the beginning I was a bit like okay yes but still trying to keep my boundary um because I was so afraid to drop my healing routine and process to actually let someone in and I think anyone who's gone through what I like I've experienced what I've experienced will understand what I'm saying with that it's like I really liked being around him but I just couldn't drop the ball so I was trying to keep it to like only seeing him once a week we'd go on date nights that he would organize and he like did things I've never had before so even just organizing date nights like right I've

booked somewhere beer at seven like or we're gonna go to the casino then we're going here them and going here like dress up can't wait to see you uh get to mine an hour before gonna have bubbles waiting for you he's just so proactive and stuff like that and I've never ever been treated that way so it was a complete whole new world for me so I was trying to keep him I guess at arm's length which he was also aware but also really enjoying his company and I think it was probably by week three that we were both in it that's how quick it was um yeah because I'd only like I'd only known him a month when it was my birthday and that's when like he came to meet my friends and bought me this gorgeous um Cartier ring for my birthday

present and basically it was just it was just like we were together um and I think pretty early on like around that time it was also said I love you as well so it's been super quick right by this point I'm trying to keep my distance I'm trying to hold off but then at the same score like I let my guard down by like week three I'd started to see him more than once a week I was you know yeah dropping dropping the ball and he yeah he was just fucking great it was incredible and I think since my birthday that basically cemented us and we've just been inseparable ever since we moved in together in I say moved in together it's a question mark because I do still have my condo. So we kind of live, I like live between two places. We kind of moved together

into this gorgeous penthouse in July. So that was only what, three or four months into the relationship. But I still go back to mine every now and again for some peace. Obviously the cats come with me, obviously. But yeah, we, in terms of this relationship timeline, you could say we were whirlwind because it was also very quick but on the same score I don't know if anyone's felt this it just didn't feel quick it feels like he's been in my life forever and I was so open and honest with him from day one he knew what I'd been through he knew that I needed like time and he'd always say to me like this is your process you know you do you like you work through what you want to work for I'm here for you just the nicest fucking man honestly just the nicest

nicest guy and I love that I was open and honest with him and able to say this is what I've been through this is how I feel I'm really hurting and all this stuff because you you set a grounding for honesty for open communication this way I love the fact that I didn't meet him on a dating app and honestly in hindsight I love the fact that our like first night together was like horrendous dirty dancing my best friend like she's video recorded on her screen that video and shows people when we're drunk she's kept it because she just loves it on her phone she loves to whip it out um I still can't watch it because it makes me cringe but yeah it's just like I guess in reflection it's such a moment for us because it shows how much we connected so very early on

you know what do I believe in love at first sight and was that what it was I don't know because I was blind drunk all I know is when I saw him again I was like what you are incredible and I was able to be myself from day one with this guy and that's really important it's just been so authentic and so easy so like when we were looking to move in together it wasn't it just didn't feel like oh my god are we rushing this or anything um it just everything's effortless in this relationship and just wonderfully effortless and i i never thought i would say this but i do trust him to be faithful to me and i've always said like i would never trust a man every guy has cheated like men you know aren't trustworthy especially in relationship no I

trust this one um because he's just so genuine and so in love with me and vice versa and it's just wonderful why am I telling you this well one because you're asking but two because I think what I want to get across to you is okay so dating apps suck right and there are few and far between stories of them working out. It can happen organically, even during, you know, a pandemic, even during a moment where you think you've hit ground zero, and you're at the bottom of what you can cope with. I think what you need to always remember and do, which is what it's not easy, but what I did is really, really focus on yourself and make yourself complete and whole as person and then your person will turn up when you least expect it I had no plans for this guy

I never expected my partner to come along I honestly I think I probably thought maybe in a few years time I'd move back to London and meet someone there and he said the same he always assumed he'd move back to Sydney and he'd settle down there and you know now like everything's changed and we are pretty much inseparable and like it's easy for me now to say yes I'm like this is going to be my husband I will marry him because I do I will and I think it's going to be this is a very happy healthy loving relationship of which I was not prepared for or planned for and don't get me wrong there has been a few bumps in the road mainly along the way people have not really taken to it as positively as I would have expected I think people were wary of how quick it

was and you know like he just came out of nowhere and suddenly like you know he's in my life and I completely understand that point of view but I'm thankful that it was I trusted my instinct with this one and it was authentic and real for both of us he could have easily have been a jerk let's be honest and like fucked me and left or played me off for like a month and gone nap see you later and by all accounts before we met he's had a lot of girls on the island he's you know never short of a woman which you know sucks no I'm fine with it honestly he's very very handsome charismatic man of course he's gonna have had women but he's he was also like never interested in anything long term and he did bless him you know get rid of a lot of them very quickly and which sucks for

the girls and I'm sorry to hear that but I'm you could have done the same to me you know I opened up and I could have been shut down I'm so glad that I wasn't and that it's turned out the way it was I would like everyone listening to you know stay I guess faithful to the idea that your person will come along. And I know through the messages, everyone's like, I can't say how glad I am to see you so happy. And the change in my life seems to come through in my content because everyone's like, you just look different. Whereas before, just the way you are and the perception, you're just different and better and glowy and happy. And that's the impact he's had on me. I don't think I ever really understood how dark and horrible it was until I guess I'm in the light

with him. And it's just amazing. Yes, of course, we argue. Every couple argues. If you say you don't, you're lying. But it's arguments that we work through in a very, very, very different way to how I have before. So, yeah, that's the spilling the tea on my relationship. How we met now. We are very, very happy. We are, you know, discussing weddings. We are discussing children. we just yeah it's great everything is great and it all started from one drunken night of dirty dancing on my instagram and that is the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify

apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and sexandsingaporecity.com. That's sexandsingaporecity.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.