Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Stop Wanting A Man - Because Then You'll Get One

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

Honestly, it's the law of attraction. Google it if you don't believe me. It just works...trust me on this.  Besides, I swear men can smell 'needy and desperate' 40 miles away.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina. Welcome back to another episode of me. and today we are talking about chasing men. It is called Stop Bloody Wanting a Man because then you get one. What? Say what? What are you talking about?

Are you okay? Are you drunk? Have you had too much coffee? Have you lost the plot? No, none of the above. I'm saying, and I wholeheartedly agree with this statement, that you need to stop wanting a man because then you're going to get one. Okay, every time, like in my past dating history, which is way too long to go through, every time I have just gone, you know what, I'm all right, I'm all right on my own, I'm actually really good, thanks. And I've not put any waiting to being with a man or finding a love

or being, you know, like just being like, I'm single and actually fucking love it. Every time I've had that mindset, I've met someone almost instantly that I've then dated or been in a long term relationship with whenever I have been in a state of loneliness like I'm not recognizing I'm alone I'm feeling lonely which as we know is two different things I'm lonely I want love I want a man I want something this this longing usually happens actually after a breakup because you're still wired to wanting to go home to someone you still miss the company you still want that connection, the physical intimacy and having someone that you believe, you know, is your best friend and whatever. When that all goes and you long for it and you're almost like looking for

it, it's on your mind. It's like, right, I'm on the dating apps. Right, I'm going to go out every weekend. Right, I'm going to go find a guy. And chances are that way you won't. Do you know why? because you're giving off this aura of neediness and desperation. Neediness and desperation. But you're not doing it consciously, actually. It's like people can sense your aura. People can sense when you are well, happy, self-fulfilled. People can sense when you're moody, miserable, sad. It's not about what you say or don't say. It's just like we give off the energies. We're all energetically connected in that way. So when you go out or you're on apps or whatever and you have this, you're coming from this lack mindset, I lack a man, I lack a woman, I lack a relationship,

I need a relationship to fulfill me, I need that partner to fulfill me. When you come from that mindset you rarely rarely find someone it repels people and also should you find someone they're usually not good for you you know so my last relationship I was very vulnerable coming from a place of lack and the person that kind of found me was you know a predator type narcissist and could sense that, like, all I got to do is love bomb her and she will fuel me because she'll think I'm amazing, which I need for my validation. And I'm there being fueled by him because he's making me feel special and giving me the attention that I lacked. And, you know, here you have the start of a toxic relationship. It's an unhealthy bond. So on the flip side, when I've grown into

myself and I am single and happily single. And it's not just saying, oh, I like being single. No, no. I'm really genuinely, authentically not interested in finding a guy, in dating. I'm not like, oh, please, all the hot men leave me alone. You know, I'm not like that. Like, you know, come at me still. Please, come at me. But I don't need it for any kind of like life validation. And since I've noticed that I've stepped into this mindset, oh my God, guys, don't leave me alone. I feel really bad because there's a fair few of them I just haven't text back to be fair in my defense I gave them my number in good faith but then I just thought oh nah and it's not about them it's not them it's me I just don't need it which ironically makes

them want me more right it's like always the thing with the dog right if you chase a dog they run further away from you and if you turn around and you run away from the dog they then turn around and they chase you. Yeah, it just is what it is. Everyone seems to run away from something they think is chasing them. It's very normal, right? But we don't realize we're chasing men or women when we're in this lack mindset you are. I used to have a girlfriend who was really desperate to find a guy. We'd end up going to three or four bars in one night. If there wasn't any hot men in one bar then we'd leave and go to another bar in another bar and there was never anyone and I was like oh fucking hell it's exhausting but there's the desperation element there isn't there

because you're not going to a bar to just have fun and like this is good music because like there'd be good music in number one bar but then we'd end up in number four bar just in case there might be hot men in that bar you know it's a lot it's just that kind of level of mindset it just usually means you're never going to find someone your law of averages isn't it the law of attraction that this is how it's going to be you're gonna not get what you're chasing because it's the energy you're putting out I need to make that clear you are coming from a place of lack therefore people can feel it it's a vibe and you know even if you've got like a one-night stand or whatever, they might then, it might be like, is it done? Because you're trying to make it more

of a thing. If you really, really desperately think I need a relationship, the best thing you can do to get a healthy, happy relationship is not need a relationship. You got that? I know, it's very tormenting for those of us. And I'm not, I'm not shitting on those that feel desperately alone. I've been there. And of course, there are nights I'm like, oh, I just want to cuddle, you know. And when I was engaged and planning my wedding, I loved it. Like, it was a very happy time for me. And I loved having that security. And I loved having that person, you know we'd talk all day every day I'm not dismissing that and it's hard to give that up but you can't hold on to that as a single person or have any ideals say like even if you haven't

had a relationship recently and you're like I really need it you can't put it on a pedestal in your head that that's what you need to make you whole because it won't and you have to be whole first and you have to not need it in the way that you're chasing it to actually find it. I'm annoying today, aren't I? I can tell, I can hear it back and be like, you're getting frustrated with me because it's all a bit cryptic. And you're like, well, how do I stop wanting something, Nick Salina, that I desperately want? I can hear it through, I can hear you, I get it. But this is what you need to do. You need to fulfill yourself and become whole in yourself and detach any validation on who you are as a human in regards to your status in a relationship,

right? It doesn't matter. You are you, whether you're single, married, dating, seeing, like it doesn't matter. You need to be whole in yourself. And it's not easy. Lots of people mask this work this healing work with relationships okay well I'm obviously I'm all right because I have a boyfriend okay good how is that relationship going for you how is it sure if you're looking for the healthy happy connection it needs to come when you are sorted yourself and when you're sorted by yourself you don't look for a man I you don't go out going oh my god I must find the love of my life tonight because then what happens is you go back dejected and sad and angry and bitter if you don't have a man which I've seen a lot happen like well my god

where are all the men where are they why are you focused so much on the man that's more the question isn't it and I promise you I promise take it from me I never lie once you stop wanting a man you will then get one and it will probably be a really good one and it will be someone who is healthy and authentic because they can match you in your space because you are now healthy and whole and authentic yourself feel good right no hate me today if you have any thoughts on this and any further questions you can slide into my dms as always on instagram it's at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a i know it's frustrating i apologize on repeat for

that but i'm not lying here right if you trust me trust this process and i promise you it will happen. Okay. If you have any stories where you've been through similar, where you've actually stopped looking and then you find the guy, let me know. I'd love to hear some reinforcement stories of this idea and concept that I've talked about today. That is the end of this episode and thank you for listening. I will see you all next week. Thanks for listening to the Sex and Singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give

me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sexandsingaporecity.com that's sexandsingaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a to find me don't be shy come say hi