Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Storytime - It's all just "Tampons n Tweezers" really

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

If you can get through this episode without clamping your legs together, I salute you. 

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I am Nixalina. Hi guys, it's Nixalina. How are we all doing? Should I change it up? Like, I used to be Nixalina. No, it's Nixalina. I could just be like, yo, Nixalina, what's up? Anyway, move on. Today's story time is very squeamish, and I would say don't listen to it if you are squeamish. it's called it's all just tampons and tweezers really

i promised myself i wouldn't do this but the more i think about it the more i'm like this is gold i have to say this because you know it could happen to other people but then on the same score i'm like ill but then on the other score i'm like you know i told you the story of when i punched someone else's intestinal flukes to death on the toilet and took them to a doctor that was a real low point in my life I think okay yeah it's all just tampons and tweezers really okay let's let's get going please tune out if you are squeamish because this is fucking disgusting okay let's go so there I am with my best friend going back up to my university days in Norwich which is a four-hour drive up from where I live in the south of London, Kent.

We were going to stay at a hotel or B&B together and partying in Norwich because we both loved it when I was a student there. This was, say, when I was 22, so I'd left, you know, for a bit. I'm like, yeah, let's go back and, like, recreate that fun party memories. So we were all buzzed up, like, driving up there. road trip me and my best friend um like yay you know get to the b&b pretty instantly open a bottle of rose um getting ready um yes I believe I had dinner from what I can remember this is like 12 years ago now um we head out party party party we drank a lot obviously I knew most of the people

I knew some club owners in Norwich City Centre. So we were here, there and everywhere at the university bar. Cheaps were drink. Cheaps were drink. That's when you know you're drunk if you say cheaps are drink. Drinks were cheap. And yeah, we had a great night. I think I ended up at a dubstep rave.

Don't even like dubstep or raves. neither is on my list but there we were we crawled back to the b&b at 5 a.m so yeah level of that 5 a.m been drinking for a while probably ate a little bit you know been in a rave been cheap cheap drinks snake bites snake bites is cider um and blackcurrant juice it might have a bit of beer in it as well. I can't remember. It's cider, beer and blackcurrant anyway. If you're interested in making a snake bite, they are the epitome of a British university student's lifestyle cocktail. Do Google it. Yeah. Great night. Great night. However, there's always a however, isn't there, to my stories. I was on my period at the time. And somewhere in between me out, out, out, out,

and 5am, I must have gone to the toilet and removed my tampon. Now hear me out. The reason I do that is because I have this like anxiety worry about toxic shock syndrome, TSS. Please Google TSSS tampons if you need more research and understanding on this. But it's basically something that you can get if you leave a tampon in for too long. And it sounds fucking awful. So I always have in the back of my mind that, okay, it's maximum eight hours, maximum eight hours. And it's obviously something even when I'm drunk, I'm conscious of. So at some point, I must have gone to the bathroom, removed my tampon, woo, carry on, rave, dubstep. I don't like it. I don't like it. So I get back to the hotel with my mate. We were drunk.

I go into the bathroom and there ain't no tampon, is there? But I don't recall on any level removing it so I'm like fuck fuck it's got stuck up there yeah yeah are you with me now are you with me stay with me guys and girls so I'm I'm concerned I'm concerned my tampon is now I've lost the string right and it's now stuck up there this is 5am drunk drunk nix's mindset it. So I'm trying to fish it out. I am trying to fish it out. I am squatting on the floor. I guess in quite an Asian squat style, actually. You guys would be impressed with me. Squatting on the floor, sticking my fingers up there to try and pull this tampon out. Because I knew if I passed out, I'd wake up like, I don't know, lunchtime, whatever. And the tampon would have

been in way too long and you know TSS scares the crap out of me so I'm in the bathroom for a really long time fishing around for the tampon I feel I feel the end of the tampon okay and I am feeling it and trying to pull it out but of course as I've disclosed already I already had taken it out so What am I feeling that I think of a tampon? I don't know. My insides? I am adamant it's a fucking tampon. The strings got lost and I'm going to get TSS.

So I can't get it out with my fingers, right? I can't get on to the end of what I think I'm feeling inside. So I go and get a pair of tweezers. Yep. yep i go and get a pair of tweezers my friend's like way still in the in the living room area of the b&b um what are you doing i'm like oh get my tampon out it's stuck like bear with me fish through my beauty bag pull out my tweezers and go back into the bathroom put the tweezers inside to try and tweeze out the tampon that doesn't exist

do you see now it gets worse as well you think this could this story can't get worse it fucking gets worse so you see no i just didn't want to talk about it imagine just picture what's going on here. There's obviously a lump or something inside of me, which feels in my head like the end of something, right? Granted, I remember it was quite squishy and I thought, oh, this could be flesh. But nah, in my head, it was a soaked tampon and it must come out at all costs. So up the tweezers went. I was sitting there in a B&B toilet, crouched down, tweezering my inside flesh, trying to pull it out because I thought it was a tampon. It did not come out, did it? Of course it's not because it was attached. It's my fucking insides. So this goes on for quite a

while, right? Eventually, my best mate's banging on the door like, what the fuck are you doing in there? And I was in such a panic. I opened the door and she said it looked like a murder scene. There was blood all up the bathroom walls, on the tiles, on the floor, on my hands. And I'm standing there holding a pair of tweezers. Like, I can't get my tampon out. So she did what any best friend would do. And she stepped up. And she felt around herself to see if the tampon was in there. I kid you not. That, my friends, is a level of friendship you never want to lose, okay? She was like, I've got to sort Nick's out. This is ridiculous. The only way I can convince her that there's no tampon anymore is if I feel myself that there's no tampon. So

she did she put her fingers inside of me yep yep yep yep and um there was no tampon even recalling this story I clamped my legs together there was no tampon so the only way I managed to stop tweezering my insides out was when she came in and did that and felt her out and convinced me there is no fucking tampon and then convinced me to go outside and have a cigarette and and calm down and talk about it rationally and then we both washed our hands a lot and then we went outside had a cigarette and I kind of completely got over the moment I was in of panic and I think probably because she did what she did we have someone else's reassurance saying there's nothing up there's nothing up there there's nothing up there help to calm me down

and yeah we went to bed woke up the next day hung over as shit as well by the way and my my insides were like bruised I think probably from the tweezing I I it was every time I went to the toilet it just went I weren't okay I was not okay fucking awful and we just sat there and every time we were we just couldn't talk to each other I was like we need to give our friendship five to six weeks I swear to god like I couldn't look at her she couldn't look at me and we just like thought about what I was doing made us both like just clamp our legs shut and feel sick and I threw the tweezers away I couldn't even look at them but um yeah yeah kind of ruined the whole vibe of the weekend not gonna lie and um yeah that's

that's pretty much the end of this story time i'm not gonna carry on because i feel like we've really gone through the worst already there what's the moral to it i don't know because i try and find morals but this one i've got nothing don't get that fucking drunk don't get blind drunk don't go and get drunk when you're on your period wear a sanitary towel not a tampon don't put tweezers up your vagina is that it or always have a best friend around willing to to finger you to calm you down well i don't know the moral here okay i mean all of the above right let's just be facts about that all of the above is applicable ah yeah yeah what did come from it though is you know we would say oh just tampons and tweezers

isn't it like you know the saying it's just swings and roundabouts oh you know it's life it swings and roundabouts we took that to the next level it's just tampons and tweezers isn't it become like a saying like it's life it's life it's tampons and tweezers feel free to adopt that if you wish. I've elevated swings and roundabouts. I sold, you know, tampons and tweezers is the better version. Anyway, I'm so sorry you've just listened to this. And I hope the image of me tweezering out my vagina on the inside outwards stays with you forever. And the image of my best friend having to finger me. I hope that image stays in your head as well, you know, because guess what? It stayed in mine. And that's the end of this episode.

thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick Selina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A, to find me. Don't be shy.

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