Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Struggling with Modern Dating & Breakups? Bestselling Author Daniel Chidiac is Here to Help

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

I had the pleasure of catching up with Daniel Chidiac, the best-selling author of 'Who Says You Can't? You Do' and 'The Modern Break-up', to talk about the trials and tribulations of writing a novel, finding career success in the unknown and navigating break-ups and dating in this modern world.    ​​​​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com.   Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Everyone, welcome back to another episode of Can't Keep My Mouth Shut. This is a very special episode for me because I finally, after years, have this awesome guy as my guest on the podcast and it is Daniel Chidiak, who is a best-selling author of two books and the most recent one is The Modern Breakup. Hi, Daniel.

How are you? We did it. It's been years. It's been difficult. I think it's because we're always out and about. We're always traveling and trying to do it and just, yeah. I actually, when I did research for this episode, right, I did a little back read on us on how, because I thought, I can't even remember how I met him.

And I slid into your DMs on Instagram in 2020. So we're chatting random stuff here or there on Instagram. And then I left. I split up with my relationship and I actually messaged you about it and was like, please help me. I remember. But weirdly. I remember. But I hope my advice is good.

Yeah, I've actually had to say this out loud. I wanted everyone to know what a gem you are. So he wrote to me and he said, you seem to have a beautiful and raw soul. Don't ever doubt that. The right guy won't take it for granted. But at the same time, this is very serendipitous, my girlfriend in Singapore, Dana, gave me your book. And was like, you need to read this book. It's incredible.

And I was like, I recognize this name. so I'd already been messaging you and then my girlfriend sent me your book and gave it to me so I obviously read The Modern Breakup and now I know after reading it why she gave it to me at that time in my life yeah well hopefully it works so I think I mean for people that haven't heard of Daniel Chidiot before um it's common knowledge really that he's he went I feel like you're my rags to riches story and you're self-made so you were a uni dropout you went into laboring and on that journey which I will let you finish he's basically self-published a book and then it become a bestseller and then he's gone done his second book and now he basically I talk about

he like you're not here he's living his own self-made life so Daniel yeah that's it I guess that if we start at the beginning because I also just want your opinion on breakups in general but give me a little bit of your own personal experience like what made you start writing and what made you like how the self-publish where did that all come from so I was at university and I was studying commerce which was obviously which is very different to what I'm doing now yeah I know it was like you know when you're finishing we call it year 12 here I don't know what um most places overseas call it but it's just the year just before you know the last year of high school and the pressure's on you don't know what you want to do in your life and I look

back now and I think we're still kids we're 17 years old 18 maybe um some people turn 18 in that year like you don't even know yourself let alone know what you want to do for the rest of your life but the pressure got to me and you know you're going to have that piece of paper you're going to have a degree so yeah I just got into something that I thought may make me happy and it didn't and then after a year I dropped out and I started a clothing business with my brother So we were in Italy on a holiday and we came across this brand that we loved and contacted them when we got back. I was showing people the clothes, all these different clothes that we bought, and everyone was just drawn to this one brand. They don't actually exist anymore.

It's a long story, but I know. Their factories have closed down. But, yeah, so needless to say, it didn't work out very well. But, no, we had stopped it before they had gone under. But yeah, it wasn't a very good financial decision, but we gave it a shot and we got, I think it was like a 70 grand loan we got from the bank, which was unsecured. We didn't even have any security and they just gave it to us from this dodgy business plan that we did. It was like, you would never get money like that these days. And yeah, so stupidly they gave it to us, but you know, we had it running for three years and we had a shop here in Melbourne and we were distributing around Australia.

so yeah it did okay but um yeah in the end the gfc hit in 2008 2009 the global financial crisis and people didn't want to spend 500 on a pair of italian jeans anymore so uh you know yeah exactly and fast fashion fast fashion was really picking up you know social media um so yeah we had to call it quits and that was a bit of a hit to the ego because being a young guy and you know sort working for yourself and doing this stuff and then having to go back and be like you know shit I gotta get a job now and I need to like pay off this debt that I've got that was a bit of a blow so you know I was um partying a fair bit I think just to put a band-aid on on things and yeah um that didn't work out too well and I guess when I was just really low is when I found myself I had

some kind of conscious awakening or enlightenment you could call it and really discovered the power of my thoughts and really found myself and I just started writing and and it was just the weirdest um phenomenon I would wake up like three or four in the morning and something would be calling me to write I would just be like I couldn't shut my mind up I thought I was going insane which I probably was everyone was like it's not it wasn't a massive drug come down was it was like probably partly I mean how old are you at this point I was 20 22 23 quite young Daniel to have this mental people especially like me we're talking early 30s where you finally hit that point you did it a decade before yeah yeah so um i'm not sure what came through me but uh yeah it was definitely

interesting and yeah just was i was writing and writing and writing and then about a year later it was like this light bulb went off in my head and it was a bit weird that it never had i'd never thought about that this whole time that i'd been writing but um it was like you're gonna write a book and it's gonna be big and I remember like ringing everyone up and they're like I'm gonna write this book and it's gonna be huge and people like what the fuck are you talking about he's really really what are you yeah yeah he's really he's really messed up they're like what did you have I want some of that they're going okay Daniel sure yeah yeah yeah yeah people supported me but I'm sure they thought I was crazy like there's I look back now and think how I would look at myself

if I was looking from the outside and you know I did have a few people pull me up on it and be like yeah but man like you've never you've never written you've never written anything like you're not a writer and I just I remember feeling like it was my calling and I was yeah I mean you know writing books now is is quite a daunting task but back then I was ignorant because I had no no idea what I was doing so it was just like I would just go with it and yeah before I knew what I had about probably 200,000 words written out and then I had to cut the book back because it was just way too big and released it and self-published it I was going to go down the traditional publishing route but I didn't want to do that just yet because I was like

I want to get it out to market I really wanted it to be my voice so I found an editor and that was another story no editor wanted to edit it because they're like basically telling me to choose a different career they didn't think I was gonna know like did you leave your job to do this and I was like oh I sorry I told them I left my job to do and they're like oh we sort of advised that maybe you yeah so like people were really like this guy's nuts um but they they yeah I know but they pushed me to make it better and I remember one one editor rejected it and she was like one of the biggest in my state and that really hit me I remember I went to the park and I started crying you know I was like I spent three almost three years on this thing I was like nearly

25 then or I was 25 and I was just you know it's a massive blow and uh I remember just something just just came inside me and i was like no this is this is my calling this is what i was meant to do i didn't shoot i didn't i honestly felt like i didn't choose this it chose me and i just ran with it so yeah i went home i restructured the whole book and then i ended up finding an editor released it and then a year later i got signed by penguin in new york and now it's in 13 languages and uh everyone's like did you send that did you send that editor an email and tell her and funny enough i i wouldn't do that anyway because i'm just not that kind of person but i can't find her email and it's it's strange i just i couldn't find it um so yeah but anyway

regardless if you're watching he wants to say something if you're watching you're watching i'm doing okay and this book i know you're very concerned about me but i'm doing okay it's probably blocked you like i'll do this job and then i'm i'm off so this book was who says you can't you do so this is your self-help novel that was that was my self-help book and i was so i was so like against even coining it at the time as anything that they you know when they release it they want you to sort of push it in a direction which makes sense to me now but i was like it's just my thoughts on paper i don't see it as a self-help book you know i'm no i'm no no one's guru do you know what i mean i'm like no i'm not an expert on people's lives and this is just what

i feel and what i went through and it worked for me so yeah it's interesting a part of me hates you a little bit already because i actually went to uni to become a writer um i finished three years racked up a shit ton of student debt and then spent most of my 20s um not having the like enlightenment you had but then I did start writing my novel which I bang on about it's been it's 2015 I started it I still haven't finished it and it's about a relationship I had when I was 21 and um yeah I keep in my head I'm like it's a bestseller in my head yeah well that's where it starts it's still it all starts and it all starts as a yeah but i'm like i and the thing is is i know it's gonna be but like even last year i went 2022 i'm single now i'm gonna finish the book and

then i'm like oh how have i made it to 2023 and it's still not done so the fact that you've already got two books out and you've had that motivation because i know personally to sit and write a novel it's fucking graft it takes a lot of work it's it takes everything you've got patience and persistence is um a must and they must be in balance as well commitment that's what i like because weekends everything everything it takes it's a journey it's a journey within everyone as much as it is without beaches and partying and i'm sitting there thinking i should write the novel i need to write the novel but then i my insight goes go and enjoy yourself for a few hours well I'm to be honest I probably could have finished the book in half the time if I didn't

do that stuff as well like I've I've I think I've been quite lazy in how I've um in what I've achieved so far which is just a grain of sand in the ocean I've I feel like I've you know I feel like I've got so much more to do but yeah I mean I could have probably finished it way sooner if I had have knuckled down more but I've enjoyed my life in the process I've gone away a lot you know the beach is like i'm a sucker for the beach any hot day i'm like out of there and i'm the biggest um procrastinator going around any any excuse like my mates like let's go for coffee i'm like yep bang laptop down let's go let's play tennis yep daniel you'll look i'm clearly a bigger procrastinator because i don't have a book you've got two out at least i go i know maybe i write for

a few hours right and i write this great sex scene and i'm so proud of myself i'm not gonna have a beer yeah exactly one beer one beer leads to ten so okay so we've got to who says you can't you do so that's this self-help book that basically wrote itself as you went through this 20s journey that you were on inside and outside so you you self-publish on amazon what did you just go to amazon self-publishing sign up like did you or like who designed your book cover did you do everything yourself i i got no no i i like hired people to do all that stuff um i didn't have much money at the time so that's why i was working to sort of fund it right and uh yeah i went through a distribution company and yeah they're called lightning source which they're quite good um

and yeah just just went through them and they sort of put it up on all the platforms and then penguin found you apparently it's very hard penguin found me and within that same week i got uh approached by Hachette in the UK which is yeah the second biggest publisher and they they got into a little bit of a bidding war and I thought geez I better get an agent at this point because I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I'm gonna get screwed um so I hired an agent and she's in New York and uh well she's the agent for the first book not for my second book because I went down a bit of a different route for that one but um yeah and that's that's how it happened so they so they both approached me within a week which was quite strange and something similar happened

with the modern breakup I had two Greek publishers approach me within the same week as well so I don't know if there's a bit of a thing with these publishers where there's like a mole in the companies and they're like hey there's these bookers I just found it so strange that it was out for a year and within one week I had two of the biggest publishers reach out to me it was like yeah and they're from both different so I don't know what what happened there but I was like whoa okay the universe is like really throwing everything at me now Absolutely. So you've transitioned from self-help to fiction and you've gone into breakup. So the modern breakup, where is that inspiration come? Because like, honestly, I've got lots of thoughts about this book, but I want to know from you, why did you go, I'm going to write about breakups? um well i i've been through a couple of my own um but i didn't start which is funny because people

ask me this all the time i didn't start writing the actual book until three years after a breakup that i had the most recent one so i wouldn't say that it came from an extremely emotional place or anything like that it was more just talking to people about these things and dating in the modern world and the book is so much more than breakups as you know because you've read it it's very much about I'd say even more so about dating and just how we feel about ourselves and how we all view the dating world and relationships in general and how we compare them to our parents and grandparents era um so yeah I mean look as much as it is about a breakup I feel like it was just conversations that I was having people about dating in the modern world and and breakups as well as you

know being there being social media and so many different ways to for people to let you know what your ex is up to and all these things it's almost like a lot harder to get rid of someone out of your life these days um so it's yeah I mean it was all a combination of things that sort of spurted the book I guess so I it was uh definitely conversations yeah that were a big one I'm trying to talk about the modern breakup but not spoiler alert it because I want like yeah yeah so I'm like how much do I say because it's so good I can say a bit I mean there's two female protagonists it's Amelia and Zara right Amelia is the main one Zara's the bestie and um it begins the story begins where Amelia is basically just being like dumped or ghosted by this guy Jay right who

is clearly an asshole well that's what we that's that's what we think right because we're hearing her side of the story right so she's sad Jay's an asshole Zara like is very bolshie chip on her shoulder very like aggressive assertive strong Amelia's very wounded at the beginning vulnerable and then the book goes through conversations between these two you have the introduction of Amelia's mom um Zara then gets her own space to talk about her dating um and then you get this friend male friend who comes along for Amelia right who helps her realize what men actually think yeah yeah there's now that's good that's we're not doing we're not giving away too much it's all it's all surfaced information at the moment no it does go very deep but yeah so i think

um yeah nick was definitely a big part of the book and a big a big plus i think for girls to get a bit of an insight and that was one thing that i wanted to do with the book i was like all right i want nick and jordan to be that they need to be honest and they need to just say how it is and i that's why i sort of had those conversations with just them two in the room um so girls could get a bit of an insight as to how guys speak and i think that you know i've even had a lot of girls reach out to me and be like oh my god i didn't think that guys actually speak about girls as much or they go they they think so deeply about even the text messages like oh why did she text this and why did she not put this in front of the text and what like guys do it i don't know

is if it's as much as girls but we do it we do it a lot we just don't show it so guys are definitely um you know because obviously we need we need to keep up this macho look so we can't be showing that we're doing that too much but we're definitely doing it with each other and we're like you know why the fuck would she do that and you know she's just messaged back asking if i want to catch up and then she's not texting back like what's wrong with these people and yeah we're having all these conversations just like you know i hear my girlfriend speak so it's um yeah i think the book really touches on those things and it's it's uh it is what it is it's modern which one are you which character which character is based on you i'm going to give you a very complex answer all

of them exactly no i want you to say your nick i'm i'm you know what i am i am no no really i truly believe and that's the honest answer if you want the honest answer the honest answer is i'm all of them combined that's how fucked up i am i'm all of them that's how many characters i am no it's seriously that's the only way i could describe it is that i am literally yeah they're all a part of me and i think they're all a part of all of us to some degree and i think that's why we can find a connection with all the characters when i started reading um amelia i was like oh my god that's me that's me and then she said so i'm like that's how i feel and i just couldn't understand it and i was like i've definitely done that and it's like reading your

own thoughts about when you especially just after a breakup and then when i went on to zara which is like Zara's more what I am now so now I'm over the breakup I'm over what I went through so I'm now in like a Zara space and I know a lot of hers is like there's a defense going on but her thought processes like so I was just mesmerized but it's like how you've written it in such a way where everyone goes oh my god that's me I think that's why the book is such a bestseller because somehow you connect you've tapped into especially females the way we think and feel and and I'm like I don't know how did you do it as a guy you're a male writer and your protagonist is female and you're coming from the female perspective of a breakup but yet you capture us so well how how how well

that's actually funny you say that because I've had so many people question whether I did write the girl parts and uh yes i did i wrote all of them and i actually didn't get help from any girls besides maybe sending a few paragraphs to like my girl cousin or something sometimes like hey do you connect with this you're as an it's just like oh my god yeah so that was really it i the book came from an observation i really try to tap into i did have to tap into feminine energy at the time but i don't i would sort of question whether it's even feminine energy because i think guys feel this stuff too like i said we're just not as vocal about it um so we'll go through all these different emotions and thoughts so you know writing maybe i just wrote from more of a human

place and raw and organic which is what i wanted because i felt like there were so many books and romance books or whatever you want to call them contemporary romance that sugar-coated so much of what people actually feel like you know sometimes when we get broken up we do we do have that ego overtake us and we're like we want them to come crawling back and i want them to be up my ass so i can have the power and i can feel better about myself and like whatever it is i wanted to capture that i wanted to capture that and not just overlook it and say oh you know we should forgive them and we should be you know like we don't that's that's stages yeah you know there's stages of that stuff like so it's like why should i why should we overlook everything that's so real and that we

feel even if it is a surfaced emotion or thought it's still real because we still feel it and it's still part of that process so I just felt like people weren't actually capturing that and that was something that I was like you know the world needs because people need to know that no they're not wrong for feeling that no and they're not they're not they don't they shouldn't feel alienated for you know having those negative thoughts about someone after a breakup or anything like that because that's reality and negative thoughts about yourself like you know Amelia's negative even more so even more so real and I I that's I remember feeling like that a lot last year um with when I had my most recent breakup and it's very strange to then come out the other side but

I don't know how healed I would have been if I hadn't gone through that process so you that anger the revenge the questioning the wanting to see them but not wanting to see them the stalking of the social media the calling and hanging up and all that stuff i feel like people try and bypass that because they just want i'm healthy i'm happy i'm over it but you can't yeah you can't you're not going to get i don't think you can heal that way i'm a big believer in no matter what it takes or how long it takes you'll get there and it's um you know i mean we can try and put a band-aid over things, but it's not going to heal it. So I think go through it and everyone's going to be like, go back. You've got to get back to the gym tomorrow and you've got to get back. But they

forget how they were when they went through it. It's so easy for people to give you advice from the outside and say, just get on with life and just do those things. But when you feel like your whole world's crumbled or like I explained in the book, the future is sort of broken into a million pieces because you've created this. And sometimes we create these future in our minds stupidly as well like we just meet someone and we're thinking of all these scenarios of yeah I think we're all guilty of it but you know I think that we do really need to um and but I also believe that that you know like I look at things like that and doing that as well and I as I'm getting older now I'm realizing that that's actually maybe coming from a quite an insecure space and it's coming

from a place where you know we we are trying to fill ourselves up with something and um you know like yeah so i sort of question where those why we let our imagination run with us with someone so quickly when we don't even know who they are and i do think we need to take a step back and be like well you know we like just slow down calm down you don't even know this person they could be an absolute arsehole you know i feel attacked well but you know what you know and you know what as well and you know what actually you know what maybe i should even i should um reword that maybe not even an asshole maybe just at a place in their life that they're not really you know secure and whatever but that's why you need to be on you need to stay vigilant i think no matter

and i feel like when you're in a really good place in your life and i was saying this to someone recently when you're when you're in a really good place in your life i feel like that's when you're the most vulnerable because you feel like you've got it all sorted out and that's what you're like oh i know myself and i've got it all sorted out and i and it's almost like you're not you're not staying vigilant and then when you find someone you're like oh well this is just flowing and this is just how it's meant to be and it's all working out because the rest of my life's in place and I'm feeling good and then it's like bang when it doesn't work out and it's such a shock because you haven't you haven't come to terms with the fact that it's life and anything can be around

the corner and I think you do need to be on guard a little bit you know as much as people might say that's a pessimistic view or you know it's a negative to to think like that I don't think it is anymore i think we've probably all been through enough experience to know that a lot of things don't work out and you can have the best intentions with people and they're completely different to what you thought and um maybe you created that story in your head about who they were maybe maybe they didn't even really have to show you much for you to do that oh yeah so i think it's like yeah so stay vigilant yeah stay vigilant take things slow you know um i think in the book she Amelia says I ran when I should have walked and that's um you know that's something

that I think we all need to just learn we've had enough experience and it's okay to go in a bit weary and have your guard up a little bit it's okay I have thanks for the quote for Amelia because I have some favorite quotes I have of Amelia and Zara so people listening can see the difference in like mentality and where they're at um I'm not going into the deep in the books this is just the early stage right so I'm because I just don't want to spoil it up but Amelia when she first has a proper uh like monologue section she says these are my favorites um when it comes to dating I seem to be going in a circle the ones I want don't want me and the ones who want me I don't like I was like I swear we all have that feeling all of us have that she says um I shouldn't

want someone who doesn't want me, but my emotions keep getting the better of me. She says, I feel like all the guys I've ever truly desired are willing to give it to another girl, but never to me. It makes me feel unworthy and that vulnerability does lead to the new people I meet. When I'm not at peace, I find myself latching onto people I like who aren't giving me the same attention. we're part of a generation that can have anything at the click of a button clothes movies information and we expect that from love and i'm just like yes yes yes yes this this is exactly what you're talking about and exactly what i feel like if i look at my own example i was still vulnerable when i let the narcissist love bomb me and in hindsight it was clear love bombing but

that vulnerability I ran with it with him and yeah I just soaked it all up and didn't take a step back and and that's you know I not blame myself but I appreciate the part I played in it all yeah yeah for sure I mean we've always I think that it's so easy when things don't go the way we plan and and I think that plays a part as well to blame the other person and to to put the blame on them but i think it's more beneficial in the end at least to face what did i do to get myself in this position you know what you know and it couldn't like i'm not saying that what you did was wrong in the relationship to make the relationship go um go south no i mean should i have left earlier you know could were there were there things that you know that i that i

allowed to happen or did i you know like i said before did i run when i should have walked did i really take a step back in my mind and say i don't really know this person i'm going to take it a little bit slower i want to stay vigilant i'm going to have my guard up a little bit just because i don't know what they want from me and i don't know their intentions exactly and i don't know who they are i want to you know an action speak louder than words people can say a lot of things but i think that we see a person's character through their actions and um you know did we listen to that so like maybe i'm in this position now and maybe i'm brokenhearted now because i didn't and i think that's how we learn it's so easy for us just to turn around and say oh it wasn't meant to be and

and I guess in some weird way it wasn't because you were still learning right to get to this point but I think life is about learning and if you're still going to go around the circle and do the same things over and over again then who's to blame so I think there is that that part where we do have to take accountability for our own emotions and our thoughts and how we got ourselves into this situation and what can i do next time to avoid that and to you know actually maybe choose someone that is um right for me even if i don't feel that spark at the start and i know that we everyone wants it and it's and it's such a it's such a beautiful thing but um jeez i wish i found this quote someone sent me a quote the other day i think it was like an old japanese proverb that

had something i'll send it to you when i find it but it was something about like when something starts so quickly like it just it fades you know whatever as quick as as quick as a candle that burns twice as bright lasts half as long something like that is that what it is yeah maybe maybe that's yeah maybe yeah maybe that's what it is so it's like yeah yeah i mean like my parents have been married for over 40 years and they still tell me that they're getting to know each other you know it's like like do you have to be able to see things through and i think you know when you read that part from the book about you know we want things and we want things now and i also think that that also is on the flip side when it's like when we don't want something we don't want it

anymore right there and then like and it's such a you know it's it's both sides you know we want it when we want it we don't want it when we don't want it and it's like that's that's not going to lead you to anywhere but a dead end and i think a lot of people are unhealed or unhealed from previous wounds or unhealed from trauma from childhood and there's still this idea that someone else will fix it so I definitely I personally not just the the last relationship the ones before that ignored red flags at the beginning because in my head I had the I'm in the fairy tale he's my partner he will I'm whole now he will fix me we're gonna get married and have babies so when when I started finding photos or miscall some other girls whatever

like he gave me I chose to believe and this was in the first few months because I didn't want to give up the fairy tale of what I found because I thought I needed that to be worthy yeah that's right that's right and I mean you know like I said that's it comes from I think that it it does come from that as well and I think that in today's day and age with social media and the way we are i think we've all got a level of insecurities and you know i think it changes with person to person and i think we have a uh um a desire to control uh more than ever especially our dating life maybe because things are so sporadic and we're meeting so many different people and and i think dating apps have you know i i think there's a yin and yang in everything it's like you know there's

positive and negatives and that's only how you want to look at it but i think a con of of the dating the online dating world is the fact that things that have like you're meeting so many different energies so often it's it's bombarding your mind and you you're not really allowing the space and the time to reflect on yourself because it's like oh you connect with that person that's cool but then oh hold on he's another hot person but they're not into me and then you sort of want them so it makes you like not think about the other person it's like you're just constantly asking for people to make you feel insecure because it's it's gonna happen that's it's the way it's you're playing numbers you're playing those numbers so it's going to happen it's going

to continually continually happen where you know it's you're going to feel good then you're going to feel bad then you're going to feel good going to feel bad that person's responding and that person's not then that one is and it's just it's this ongoing thing that's just a barrage of um you know yeah self-conflict i think so do you think and we're going to enjoy our life do you enjoy our life with modern breakups then is the problem social media and dating apps is that is that the big issue i don't know i think that there's so many more issues i think well that's not even an issue i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing either like the way the world's changed um you know it's like we're taught to have so much more freedom now and you know

what our parents and grandparents were growing up it was you get married and you have kids and that's what it is i mean how often are we taught that now it's like everyone's doing their own thing no one wants to be controlled no one wants to live in someone else's shadow we all want to have our independence and our freedom but yet this word relationship what does it mean and what is it and what does it entail and i think that's where we really need to work it out because if you're going to look at something and say well you know this word relationship is this this and this but yet i want to still have all these other things that i can do when i'm single and that's subconsciously in the back of your mind and you don't want to you don't want to make those

sacrifices then that word relationship and what it means doesn't actually add up so i think it's either looking to see what your interpretation of relationship is and if that's your interpretation of a relationship then you need to find someone who damn well has the same interpretation of that relationship because if they don't you know then that's um you know if they're a little bit more old school gentlemen like if they're if they're a little bit like well no i don't want you having guy friends or the girls like i don't want you having girls as friends well that's something that you might be like well no i'm not going to give up my guy friends or i'm not going to give up my girlfriends just because and it's like well okay we don't have the same morals and values

this is never ever going to work and see you later you know so i think it's like what you see as like i look at my parents and stuff like that and grandparents and i don't think that they were you know going out for coffees with other the opposite sex all the time like when they're married they're married you know whatever it may be and it's like you know so that's just one example and i don't think that either way is you know it's whatever you want i mean some people have open relationships and they're happy like whatever whatever is your thing is your thing whether i think that's functional or not if you've got kids that's a different story and and whatever but you know like every each to their own and however they want to live their life that's

that's up to them. But don't complain when you're not getting those traditional aspects of a relationship that you saw our grandparents or our parents have, when you want to do things that are so far from that and you want to live a life that's so far from that. You know what I mean? It doesn't add up. It doesn't add up. And that's where all the confusion's coming from. And it takes me back. This is a quote from Amelia's mom, which I think is fantastic. she says to Amelia you have to stop expecting people who don't love themselves to love you the way you love them exactly slow clap for Amelia's mum because it's so true and I think that's what we do a lot we we give all the love but if that person doesn't love themselves then

you can throw it at them all day long it won't change of course yeah yeah of course and like you know i've met people who i go in with a positive attitude and an open mind and you can just tell that they're just sour you know sour on life and nitpicking everything and and you're just like you know like what's what's going on inside of you what's this internal struggle this is more about you than it is me and like i just feel like there's so many people as well in today's society they're going for external things rather than being open to an actual true connection they're like you know and i think that the social media definitely has a part to play with that it's you know like the money aspect and people like yeah i believe that you know in providing and

protecting and all that but you know there's this also this other thing where it's like i've had girlfriends ring me up and be like okay i just i just want to go he's like you know he's got those old school that the old school chivalry and he's a provider and he's a protector and like you know i can provide for myself but i want to feel like you know he's he's got that and you know that's something that they want on a personal level and they want to feel like that but then i'm like okay but like are you showing him that you're a carer and a nurturer like are you showing him from that from the start because you want him to show that he's a provider and a protector from the start but if he doesn't see that you're a care if you want that and he's got that same sort of thing

where he's looking for that kind of woman are you showing him that you're a carer and a nurturer well no i want him to like actually prove first that he's this before i open before i show him that and i'm like but can't you see the problem here like maybe he's looking at it and being like he's changing the way his attitude is because maybe he's he's feeling that you're just sitting there and expecting things from him or that you're feeling self-entitled and guys don't like that if a guy does want to be the provider and the protector and all that and he you know there's that it does that that balance of energy in a relationship he's not gonna he's if he feels that there's a self-entitlement or that you just expect this from him he's not going to want to give it

like guys if they're doing that like even a girl just being like you know like offering for something you know like i'll just offer they're like no no no no no no but guys deep down they love that like that that's something that that's like such a plus you know and they're like you know guys talk about all the time like we're like we want to we want to give everything to the girl that doesn't expect that and then you'll be like i want to get her everything and you want to work like and you want to do all these things because you know that she's she really appreciates not she can't do it herself she can but it's like it's something in our dna that makes us want to do that for her and provide for her and and that because you know we feel that care and that

nurture and there's so many ways to make a guy feel appreciated um you know without you know doing even much just little things you know and and guys like you know that's that's i feel like i've known a lot of people especially in singapore and in london these these women were like oh he will have like every first day i expect the guy to pay and i'm like but why i don't i think yeah no i you know i always offer i always offer to go home yeah no no look like i think the first i think yeah look i think it's it's a it's a blurred line i don't like for me i'm a little bit also like that my ex didn't pay for anything she's like she wanted to pay she's about she but I knew that it came from her heart she's like no no no and I'm like no no no you're like go spend

your money on yourself whatever like but when I've so I think that no a guy should definitely I don't think I think a girl like the first couple of dates she's there being like you know we've wanted to take her out we've asked her out she's gotten ready she's she's got herself dolled up she's like you know she's excited I got I don't think that she should be expected at all to even offer for those first two days I think it's great if she does but I wouldn't take it I wouldn't take it personally it's when things are happening constantly and then you're like and you know what i'll tell you it's it's really not even about it's more about the energy as well it's it's very much about the energy that you give off so like well because i speak to guys about this all the

time and it's conversations that guys have it's like the girl like the girl could be like oh you're like expecting like to pay or something like that and you can sort of feel that she's not like a like i don't know it's so hard to articulate but you can sort of feel that she's not that kind of girl that's really appreciative or that she's just used to this happening to her all the time and like a guy that's wise a lot of guys that are insecure will want to keep doing that for a girl and be like oh because they they feel like they've got to you know keep pleasing her and whatever else but i mean that's a really insecure guy a guy who's got his shit sorted and it's wise and you know he wants a healthy relationship and he's looking for that he'll notice when a girl is like

truly appreciative and being like oh you know thank you so much or whatever and it's coming from the heart you know and i feel like that's when a guy's yeah more more open to you know having that sort of feeling for her whereas you know like the first couple of dates now i don't think so but i think it's it's more of an energy thing it's like you know if a girl if a girl's going to be rude and disrespectful and yet when it comes time to pay the bill she's just like it's like hold on it's like hold on something's in a guy's mind it's like click like something's not adding up here something's not the energy's not right because when you're when it's coming time to pay and all that you're just you're letting me be the man it's like you know letting

me be the man you're okay you can pay now but then when everything else is like i'm going to take charge and i'm going to be doing this and i'm going to be doing that and it's not like we expect anything by paying like you have to be submissive or anything no way i would never want a woman like that I want a woman who's got her shit sorted and like you know has got ambitions and I would love to support her dreams and everything like that so there's no this old school thing of you know you stay in the kitchen that's you know whatever yeah yeah you know what I mean like that's that's that's like that's I don't even know that's like village shit but like you know you want to go and have you want to go and have fun and you want to go and do stuff

together and whatever but I still think those basic dynamics of a relationship and that balance of energy still exists and if a guy doesn't feel that and he's an alpha male and he does want to he does want to protect and provide and stuff like that then i feel like that's something that we definitely we definitely look for and we feel it we feel it pretty quickly and it's a big turn off you know a girl that's like really self-entitled it's it's a massive and a guy a guy will like turn i will turn and even if he doesn't it could just be because he's insecure and he's like oh I feel like I think I want you but it went when it actually settles again and he had he would like he'll leave yeah even like friendships if I feel women are that entitled

way I'm just like I'm I don't like that yeah I mean even as friends it's not a good thing you know it's like but it's it's just yeah I mean I guess it's just um a dynamic so like yeah the pain thing is just you know like like I said even just offering but it coming from the heart not feeling like it's a transaction yes guys don't like to feel like it's transaction I always I like to offer because I think we're both we're both at the level playing field like you know I'm successful career whatever and I want to meet someone who's halfway with me and it's our first date so sure I usually expect them to say no like I've got this of course you can be honest you know I think it's a turn off.

But I wouldn't ever sit there and when the bill comes and then just be like, because I don't like that either. Or if he pays for it, I go like, let me get the next one. And I genuinely want to get the next one. Nine times out of ten, they don't let me. But I think because there's no entitlement with me and it's authentic. And if I did split the bill, I wouldn't be like, oh, my God, you actually made me pay half.

you know well yeah because we're both meeting up the same thing but it also depends like i think where you go like who who planned what because if he plans this massive expensive thing or restaurant then i'd be like well you you know i never wanted a 600 lobster that was on you you know yeah yeah exactly exactly and like i said before i think it's about energy as well more so than anything and i think it's like well you know you want me to be masculine and pay like for these people that are south of total expect it that's cool and you but you but how are you showing up you being are you being feminine you know like what is masculine oh it's a masculine to you is that i'm paying for everything and that i'm providing but what's do you know what feminine to me is and are you being

that i got i got these i'm like is that is that working that's that's that that can work for a short time oh damn it yeah but i know what you mean like the feminine energy like there's i know yeah it's like if you like you want me to be masculine you like you're you've got this this thing in your head about you know masculine energy and what you want your man to be and but it's like Are you reflecting on what you are as a woman as well and what you're bringing to the table? Because men speak about that stuff as well, just as much as you girls are speaking about the man and the man that you want and the man that you think. Guys are equally speaking about the girls. Yeah, we're much more open about being open, about talking about it all.

Yeah, we guys are a bit more in the dark. We talk about it with our friends. I feel like, Daniel, I could literally sit for hours and talk to you for fucking hours about dating. because we've gone from breakups to now like dating, but I'm so invested. I just want to keep talking to you. But sadly, I do need to wrap this episode up. So I guess, so is there anything else you want to say

about the modern breakup? I mean, I've obviously not given away the ending or anything, but like, do you have still people giving you feedback on it? Yeah, it's still going really well. It's still really popular. We've got an audio book out, which has got two narrators. it's got a girl and a guy so a guy narrates the guy parts and the girl narrates the girl parts so yeah i mean that's been quite popular as well it's on ebook and um yeah it's like a sort of

it's i'd say it's a it's a self it's a fiction book with a self-help tone like people are still learning and growing from it so much and they're like i've never learned so much from a novel you know so it could be beneficial is there a third book anywhere coming well yeah i guess there could be i've just written a movie script but it's a sci-fi drama it's completely different but um yeah but the modern breakup part two could potentially be on what about a dating like i know this one is about data but it just you have such dating knowledge like yeah i feel like you definitely need to impart more to us all yeah well we'll um maybe next time i'll get you on i'll get maybe i'll have to start a podcast and get you on it next time

I feel like, given what we just spoke about today, when you say modern breakup, self-help done, modern breakup done, sci-fi script, people are like, what? Yeah, I know. I'm crazy. I'm just like, I'm just creating and being artistic with whatever the hell I want. Dude, pick a lane. You know what you're good at, right? We've got loads of other now.

Pick a lane. No. Oh, I haven't even done anything with the script yet. I just literally have just written it. I'm like, what am I going to do with it now? I'll just get back to the modern breakup obsessive it but yeah I'm just create I'm creating it will

I'm creating it and that's always the best way to let it out when it comes yeah that's it you've been such a pleasure you are worth the years years wait that I have waited to do this with you but I feel like now is obviously the perfect time to have had this conversation

do you want to drop in your insta your socials where people can buy the books yeah yeah the books are available on amazon and uh bookstores actually books kinokuniya i think there's one in singapore as well so like they can get it there i believe um but mainly online so yeah amazon book depository probably every other major website you can think of and uh socials is at the modern breakup book i've got a bit of a following it's become a bit of a social media media thing on its own it's quite popular it's more popular than bloody me that that page it's uh if everyone's

forgotten about the author like forget the author it's just yeah so it's got its own life and uh my my page for my writing is daniel chidiak there you go everyone um i hope everyone who watches these and listens to this podcast then runs off and buys a book i actually have a girlfriend i'm gonna hand it to now i've read it because she's on she's the amelia puff i'm like here you go honey yeah okay best gift definitely i'm a zara now so we all get yeah yeah that's it gotta be a zara sometimes thank you so much for coming on and i can't wait to see what you do next um it might be like i don't know you decide to build a rocket ship or buy a zoo yeah exactly that's it's only the beginning only the beginning who knows thank you so much daniel and take care bye

Thanks for listening to the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina. I'm recorded in the Splice Cast Studios in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google, and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast.

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